Writingbolt's Creation

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It’s the latest thing in sampling wine; vending machines….or, rather, crowded tap stations lined with tiny faucets which are supposed to bring you the same joy you get from having someone who knows their wines (and hopefully won’t rub that knowledge in your face) serving one properly to please you. That is the point of all this wine. Right? To please people? But, where is the joy in sharing wine from a vending machine?

Let me get right to the bullet point of this piece. If you’re going to put wine in dispensing machines or cabinets, you might as well sell it in individual-portion bottles and cans, like every other commercially sold non-alcoholic beverage. You might as well lump beer makers in with your plan, too. Let’s give everyone a soda-can machine and be done with it. Spare us the long road through attempted bottle suicide.

If you need more information to convince you of what I just said, continue reading. ‘Better sit down and pour yourself a tall one; this is going to a long rant.

How stupid and anti-social do we people have to be?

Why haven’t wines been sold in cans and/or plastic bottles like soda and beer? Maybe because it’s not typically enjoyed that way. Maybe because you don’t let your soda breathe unless you want it to go flat. And, maybe because wine would lose all of its charm if you bought it for a few bucks from a humming, glowing, filthy box a short distance from where you parked your car.

Do you have to breathe or swirl beer or soda in a glass before you enjoy it? No. You also don’t need a GLASS to enjoy soda or beer. But, when you talk wine, people suddenly need fine glassware and a means to twirl their wrists every which way. I don’t see that happening with a vending machine that spares you the humiliation of mispronouncing wine names.

[I read an article, recently, which prompted this soap-box rant. And, it was littered with timid, anti-social stupidity bound to create some bacterial infections.]

Anyone who offers tap beverages knows they have to maintain those taps. You have to clear and clean them, all of the time (unlike a wine bottle which you just…cork). [And, if a wine bottle only lasts so long before you have to finish or dump it, what happens with those tap stations in the hands of modern staff who “just work there?”] So, just keep that in mind as I continue.

You know wine isn’t just something often hard to pronounce by name; it’s also the only alcoholic beverage that you can’t simply consume or mix with something else to improve the experience. You have to treat each wine like a fussy pet to get the most out of it…or so I’m told. If you feel discouraged by wine because you are not fully educated, join the club. And, news flash, having easier access to wines via a tap isn’t going to improve your knowledge…unless you are Adam or Eve and willing to risk being cast out of the vineyard of Eden.

If you have access to a food or drink of any kind and do not know it comes with rules for proper enjoyment, you’re going to mess yourself up, somehow, without that instruction when you access it from a tap. But, certain vendors of wine, including coffee houses (which I think should be content focusing on being the experts in coffee and coffee-based products), trying to increase their customer base, are turning to vending taps and claiming consumers won’t have to suffer the same difficulties they had in the past with becoming part of the wine-loving community. [Yeah. Right.]

One key line I read mentions avoiding the embarrassment of mispronouncing wine names by drinking them from taps. But, here’s the kicker; the same article mentions you may have to go to the bar/service counter to request a certain wine (to have it supplied to the tap station…because there are so many varieties, even in what seem like the smallest of facilities). So…if you cannot pronounce the name, how are you going to have better luck asking someone to supply it to a tap on the other side of the room? [Morons!]

In the spirits of improving your interest in this latest vending enterprise, the informants of this recent article say not to worry about tapping cheap, “boxed” wines; they want you to have access to some of the finest wines available, as if that will make you come back to get more…from a crowded tap station…because nothing says I am enjoying a fine beverage crafted by human hands (or feet?) than standing next to a half-dozen other crazed wine seekers, pouring my own glass from a tarnished and/or stained spigot. Don’t give me that Pepsi or Miller wine; no. I want the finest from Italian vineyards…poured from a faucet.

Come on, people!

You’ve turned what has always been something unique from other beverages into a game of rock, scissors, paper. There is no finer selection and distinction of a beverage other than maybe tea. But, you want to make it more convenient to a wider audience. You might as well just leave out bottles and let people go to town on them in alleys and streets. You might as well put out dog bowls.

Wine is like intimacy, but some people treat it like orange juice or coffee. They can’t get through a day without a big ol’ swig (or gallon jug). [I suppose some people get sex the same way; they can’t get through a week without it.] You don’t buy personalized affection or love from a machine. You might pay a prostitute for some form of sex, but you’re not getting the pinnacle of love from that experience unless you actually love the prostitute. You’re just one of many customers, and you’re on the clock with someone being managed. And, getting sex from a prostitute may be dangerous…like getting a fermented beverage from a poorly maintained tap station, situated in a coffee shop, where the staff is educated in coffee while they still need an encyclopedia and manual to explain the wine machine.

Do you want tainted wine? Will tainted wine bring you the same pleasure as un-tainted wine? What happens if your tap malfunctions? [You’re going to point at the label, mumble like a fool and hope someone can help fix and refill the damn thing.] Will you know the true potential of any particular wine without someone there to show you how it is to be enjoyed?

You may be uncomfortable with know-it-all wine salespeople and waitstaff, but throwing money around just to do as you please with something crafted by a budding artisan isn’t helping anyone do anything other than be lazy and careless. If 3-D art, which you just bought, requires special glasses to enjoy it but use the art as toilet paper, what sense does that make? If you cannot identify what you just drank (because it was stamped with a name you cannot pronounce), how will you identify it the next time you want to drink some? That one with the what taste? What color was it? [Yeah. Good luck, you idiot.]

If you are already educated about wines, then, sure, it’s a convenient way to go somewhere for a glass of a wine you already know and bypass the ceremony. You know what you want and can operate a tap with the best of them, as long as you don’t mind bumping elbows with some giddy fool who just wants to get drunk or experiment. I could also buy a boxed tea similar to one served in a real Chinese tea house and believe I am getting the same benefits.

But, if a consumer is uneducated and simply samples at will (and cost), that’s foolish and haphazard. They spare themselves nothing more than a quick “Tsk” from a more educated person over their shoulder, which they will still likely receive when they decide to investigate what they just drank. That’s a heap of machinery installed just to prod more people into sampling wine; and, if they are turned off or sickened by the experience, what did you vendors gain? There is a reason we get educated. And, the only education you may get from a tap station is how to operate one and what will or won’t make you sick, if you can even remember what you ate or drank.

I remember being a little kid at a funeral that had a coffee-dispensing machine. It wasn’t even electronic. It was just a simple plastic? box divided for each type of coffee…and creamer, sugar, etc. I didn’t know what I was putting in my cup. I just saw adults doing that and wanted to try it. That’s about as dumb as what is being done with wine, today.

Is this how we get more people interested in wine? Handing out bottles would make more sense. At least, the drinker would have a label they could take with them and show someone when they want to know or sample more.

I think there was so much buzz about making your own wine that too many people started doing it and then failed to figure out how to get people interested in their own varieties. It’s like that sour-dough craze that started with the quarantine of 2020. If you get everyone around the world to believe they can be artists, they will all fetch the tools they think they need and craft something for sale. But, if everyone is an artist interested in selling their work, how many will buy artwork from another artist? If everyone is grilling burgers and brats, who is buying and/or eating them?

[Personally, when I go to art fairs, as a capable artist, I ask myself…couldn’t I make what that person has for sale?]

On that note, would you spend money on a wine you cannot pronounce, which was made by someone local yet unknown to you, and enjoy it? There is a chance. There is as much chance drinking from a bottle, in the dark, not knowing what you are consuming and caring about as much. Are you such a risky gambler?

Which sounds better? You know who made the wine you are drinking, like everything about them and their product (personality, morals, taste, packaging, advertising, etc.). Or, you know nothing about who made what you are consuming other than a name you fail to pronounce and a possible location from which it was made. If you eat cookies, like I do, you might be compelled to ask, “What is in these? And, who made them?”

Now, if, for any reason, there was concern about consuming said unknown/unfamiliar food or beverage, something that would impair your health, wouldn’t you want to be advised? In recent decades, we started putting more and more informative yet equally intimidating labels on products to inform consumers what is in store for them. But, the way wine is being promoted; you’d think labels be damned. Who cares? Drink up. It doesn’t matter if you have an allergy or develop a skin condition no one in your budget range can explain.

With so many making their own wine, selling and distributing it has become a tedious game of Monopoly. Everyone has a small property and is just trading rent. Maybe someone is profiting from the “parking” places. The jails are probably buzzing. There’s no sensible business left in it. You might as well stop trying to make a buck and share your creations at friendly gatherings.

Here’s to ending the economical madness we’ve endured so long. Here’s to free craftsmanship and sharing of creations.

What separates one wine maker from another and limits the field of competition? Presentation, story and, quite simply, quality. The same goes with many artistic creations. When you have the story behind a product or creation, you give it greater value; your enjoyment exceeds that given by something you just picked up at the store. You return to the place where you acquired the product to get more of that warm feeling, more time with the makers of the product. Nothing replaces that feeling, not even memory. I could chug a hundred beverages and barely remember what separates one from another. And, if they all taste alike, simply because one is red and the other is white, what difference does it make what I consume?

Oh. You say there is a difference? Well, you’re not going to prove it by having me sample from a faucet.

Why do I get this feeling the wine crowd is somewhat jealous of what may be called the beer or other beverage crowd? Have wine fans become the preppy snobs in the school of hard chugs? Are beer fans the jocks giving the wine nerds a hard time? Have the “snobs” finally lost their pride and started cowering? This is not a reason to turn wine into a raging kegger. I don’t want a wine bong at my party.

[Heck. I don’t want wine at my party unless it’s a quiet gathering of a few trusted friends, not casual, superficial acquaintances you call friends.]

If I understand anything about wine, it’s not something you just buy in a six-pack and chug til you burp or puke. You don’t smash a wine bottle on your forehead and chest-bump your pals. Nor do I want to put wine in a paper cup, like a sample serving of snack mix at the local grocery store, and simply wonder what makes it taste so strange (because I’m too cowardly and anti-social to ask about something I cannot pronounce, anyway). Or, is that the future of wine?

If the latest wine taps were something harvested from inventors in the Far East or parts of Europe known just as well for favoring tea, I’d say this was a clever ruse to improve the customer base of tea shops and ceremonial establishments. Make all those wine-chasers so stupid and sick until they desperately seek an alternative and turn to the “healing power” of tea. Talk about a religious conversion tactic.

[But, remember, your targets are fools, in part, because you added to their foolishness. And, what goes around wine will then come around to tea. Eventually, no beverage will be safe from the trending consumer madness unless we stop the cycle somewhere (break trend).]

Bottoms up, you fools. But, I’ll be over at the can-dispensing machine and walking far away from you. I never was a fan of wines, and, now, if this is the way things are going, I’m even less interested. All that talk about the proper treatment and serving of wine, and you turn it into a circus of experimentation, anyway. All that craftsmanship wasted on making fruit juice that tastes a little strange and makes you sick if you drink too much too fast. You could do as well serving it to toddlers. Maybe some of them got their allowances early and can spend it at your establishments. Whatever.

Hey, Orson Wells! I guess it’s time for wine. Or, if it’s not, you’re not around to stop these idiots. [Burrrp!]