Posts Tagged ‘reporting

16
May
25

Can We Ban Bad News on Holidays?

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I understand “news happens daily” and that there are “things you need to know.” But, does that include reports of crime, murder and other violence…on a holiday?

Well, to be fair, if you’re watching the local or international news on a holiday, something is probably wrong, anyway. I mean…why would you?

Who am I to judge? Some people like their news the same way some people like their coffee or soda…daily…maybe even more than one time each day. That’s not me, though. I would rather go without it, most of the time, because it just upsets or rattles me. Hearing about every crime or damaged property in town isn’t exactly helpful news. I’ve said it once and will say it, again; that sort of reporting is for private communication and police reports. If you need to get in on police action, I think there are radios for that. If you are involved in a crime or disaster, do you want it plastered all over every TV screen and network? I wouldn’t…most likely. Give me a case when it’s a good idea to be a disaster or victim on TV.

I know some people who will watch the news any day on TV and come away from that with a head and heart full of discontent and/or grief. Who needs that? And, who needs those viewers to pass on that unpleasant feeling? Not me. Don’t throw your anger and tears at me, after you wasted your time absorbing all the bad news. That’s just…foul.

Now, to consider the above on a holiday…you might as well cancel every party and not sell any supplies or food. My stomach is already turning for the next holiday. It could be weeks or months away. But, if I’m going to turn on the TV and see bad news or hear about it, second hand, screw you self-proclaiming news networks. You’re sick in more ways than one. You’re puppets in a warped system. You’re bleached smiles are more unwelcome than a snarling guard dog who doesn’t know when to be quiet. You sicken me. And, every time you feel the need to fill a commercial break with one of your “this is me, part of the local news team” ads with some corny song, I’m just going to like you a little less. So, you’d better hope I DON’T watch you as regularly as you advertise or hope.

On that note, if there is ANYONE who actually longs to meet their local news reporting team after being exposed to daily disaster and tragedy, those people are also very warped…or oblivious…or both. Yes; let’s kiss the hands and ask for autographs from people pressed to pour out daily tragedy and misfortune. Even certain meteorologists get on my nerves with how they deliver bad weather with a smile…as if they get a little sick pleasure out of telling you roads will be a hazard tomorrow.

I vote no news–other than weather reports, methods of transportation, possible public activities to join and discount offers–on holidays. The world will be just fine without you…I’m pretty sure.

Mic drop.

Picking the microphone back up, once more.

Oh. And, no horror movies/stories on holidays, either…except, maybe, Halloween. You want frights and gore? Go find a secluded space you can enjoy your sick interest. I don’t need to turn on the TV for enjoyment and find some twisted nightmare during my holidays. Flipping channels on a holiday, just to find crime stories, “shocking news reports” and horror movies…is enough to make any lonely or stuck-at-home person want to do something very unpleasant. And then you hit those people with anti-depressant and other drug ads (not to mention other unrelated ads which are equally distressing and/or unsettling). That is a crime so foul that I cannot adequately put it into words. I just want to go on a TV-smashing rampage…and then go trash some drug labs.

Can you fashion a drug that helps YOU deal with my rage when I unleash it upon your sick skulls? Good luck with that. [Actually, I’d probably just destroy your equipment and only leave you with a headache bad enough to make you regret your life choices.] I’m not ill. YOU are.

Mic drop.

25
Jan
25

Making “Local” News Out of Nothing

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[After watching enough local news to see how reporters are grasping at straws for something to report and are being stuck so often in hazardous scenes, I am motivated to craft some of my own “local news reports” to show just how pathetic and/or ridiculous TV news can be. I considered making a series of this, but, even in an attempt to parody, to joke about local (and other news) reports, I cannot even process enough of the proper dialogue and find myself drained just trying to turn “nothing” into something. I don’t know how they do it…I just know it’s annoying and deflating, which is why I usually don’t watch (any news reports).]

ALWAYS: Good evening and welcome to Thunderhead News, your local news leader. I’m Always Here, filling in for Never Around, who is currently on vacation in the Bahamas with her family.

We’ve got Alexis Keravnos in the weather room with the latest on mood swings and some hit-or-miss disappointment. Jersey Shore has the latest on wastebasket ball in sports news.

But, first, tonight’s top story: Someone left lint in the dryer filter, and it nearly started a fire, today. We go live to Mom in the laundry room. Mom? What’s happening in there?

—–

MOM: Well, Always, it’s the same story, every day. Someone doesn’t properly clean this dryer vent. And, it could lead to a costly household fire. Luckily, the family here has been able to avoid that. But, anything could happen in a powder keg like this place. I will keep you informed as details unfold. Back to you at the main desk.

—–

ALWAYS: Alright. Thanks, Mom.

In other news, local police were summoned to the scene when three young boys couldn’t get along and their father, who is almost always glued to a screen, was incapable of being an adequate parent. Sources say it got very loud at the house until neighbors complained. It turns out police were not necessary. But, with wealthy neighbors on watch, it was inevitable someone would be sent by to have a look. And, although none of this makes sense–and we can only show you so much–we’re going to show you some shocking imagery, repeating the images as we fill time with more words, and make pained faces before we call this a wrap and move on to our next segment.

Now, let’s check in with the latest mood report from our own Alexis Keravnos. Alexis? What can you tell us?

—–

ALEXIS: Well, Always. We continue to live in a temperate zone with all of the seasons constantly in flux. So, it’s unpredictable, as usual, though the growing trend is perpetually discouraging. But, I’ll be checking back with you, periodically, to inject recycled words when you need to pause from the other pressing stories for the week. Back to you.

—–

ALWAYS: Yes. Okay. Thanks, Alexis. Now, let’s go to Jersey Shore with today’s sports. Jersey? What have you got to say?

——

JERSEY: Good evening, Always. We’ve got a heck of a game going as our writers compete for the most crap shots into this central wastebasket, here. All two of our staff have been at it for a while, considering neither has come up with anything more exciting to report, though excitement shouldn’t be as important as what affects the general public. Yet, we will continue to talk about every situation that involves police and fire departments, as well as legal cases that are all restricted on how much they can disclose to the public. I have no idea what that has to do with sports, but I’m saying it, anyway. Back to you, Always.

——

ALWAYS: ….. I’m sorry. I think we lost contact with Jersey, there, for a moment.

—–

JERSEY: No. You just stopped listening and zoned out after a wh–

—–

ALWAYS: Well, that’s going to do it for now. We thank you for– What? We still have five minutes? Well, we’re going to go to commercial. We’ll be back in a bit with final thoughts. [Can I just go now? Have Alexis wrap this up for me. Okay?]

—–

WordPress thanks you for watching this broadcast of Thunderhead News, your local news leader with an audience of one. We don’t look anything like those other stations, which don’t really exist except in your imagination. Just continue to look at the faces of this station and listen as they fill commercial time with ego-inflating nonsense. Continue to wake up and love your day…with us in your face, along with that annoying lawyer-vulture and his mashed-potato hair.

And, in other world news, which is really just USA news, while fires rage across every part of California except the wealthiest bubbles, including Anaheim, home of Disneyland, which is still open, running just fine and welcoming all to the happiest escape from reality money can buy, and while hospitals struggle to stay afloat with so many diseases running rampant, the wealthiest men among humankind are competing for who will send the biggest metal penis into orbit and who will lay claim to a satellite-based internet service. And, in government news, the entire US staff is being replaced with people of questionable credentials. Yes. The world is doing just fine and is in good hands. You can all sigh with relief.




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