Writingbolt's Creation

*****

A Letter to Psyonix and the other makers of the “free edition” of Rocket League, capable of being played with the Nintendo Switch (provided you have a decent controller).

To whom it should concern,

Folks, let me be blunt. Your gaming universe sucks. You’ve created one more lousy internet-crashing space full of jerks, losers, cowards and posers. Most of your music catalog is absolutely annoying. And, your award system is the worst.

How do I justify these statements? Well, let’s see…

I’ve invested more time than most players to complete every goal of the 3rd season, just as I did last season. And, I came very close to completing “gold level” the first season, back when Slushii was a decent guest DJ, providing the first song I would have liked as a player anthem…but nooo…I couldn’t get that song as my anthem. And, just because I’m not a paying member of your “premium” customer base, you’re going to deny me a decent song when I find one? Instead, you’ll feed me a billion dumb blueprint copies, ugly wheels and hideous decals? On my best day, I get a “finish” or “trail” that looks half-decent. Maybe I’ll craft a new preset to improve my furious mood. But, not today!

So, people are astounded when they see my high-level picture frame. Gee, is it because I put in the hard work for such little gain? It’s not like I am a great player……buuuuuut I sure am better than many of those boasting “Season 3 Tournament Winner.” Which brings me to my next point…

Learn how to group players by rank! You create this lengthy road to a rating system and provide numerous tournaments. But, people who cannot clearly play somehow become winners and appear in games with rookies and actual “noobs” (not those champion hotshots who just call themselves NOOB to be cheeky). Only the real champions ever show any skill, and, when I see them, it seems to always be an unfair game, me and a couple of newcomers or some lousy AI against 1-3 guys half my age who can spin their car in the air like a wand of cotton candy.

Let me tell you about my latest tournament experience. In my first tournament, just this season, I made it to round two before being crushed by a team of “S3 Tournament Winners.” There were no such winners on my team. How did I get put up against a team of winners? [Actual winners; not posers.] Fair enough; that just seems to be the norm with your lousy setup; it has happened far too many times in ranked matches, like those Rumble and Snow Day variations. I powered through. Oh. I earned some sort of tickets or credits to spend on some kind of trophy package. Hmm. Lots of possible items to get. Oh. I just get one? Ookay. Oh, wow! Goal explosions and some of Julie Buchanan’s music! Maybe I’ll. Okay. No goal explosion. But, I did get the better of two Julie B. songs. I’ll save the rest of my credits/tickets for later….maybe I’ll earn enough to get a higher prize. Next tournament, I am put up against three more pros with two rookies at my sides; we’re wiped out in round one. I have just enough credits/tickets to get two prizes. Maybe I’ll be lucky this time and get–nope! I got some lame wheels and a really ugly decal. Okay. Let’s save some credits for next time, again. What?! The week turned over, and my saved credits/tickets are gone? Is that how that works? What a load of–! Okay. Stay cool. Let’s just try one more tournament and get some more credits/tickets to spend. Okay, my team makes it to round 2. And, we are supposed to be facing some “Mantis” team. But, the game isn’t starting. I clicked “Continue” and was faced with the “bracket” while my teammates, for some reason, retreated to the main menu. Now, I don’t see them on the list and I am not in the game…and the Mantis team is up 2 to 0?! What is going on?! Suddenly, I’m ejected from the team and seeing results for the team’s loss. WTF?! Okay. Calm down. Let’s just spend some credits/tickets to improve our sour, confused mood. What the–?! A duplicate of the same song track I got the previous round?! Son of a–!! Okay, let’s not lose those other credits, again. Let’s spend them and get–more crappy wheels?!

And, ya know what else grinds my gears about team-ups? 9 out of 10 games, I am put up against a “club” of two or three who clearly have a means of communicating with each other. Forget your crappy chat system no one but me seems to want to use other than to slander and beg for freebies (trades and shots they won’t earn themselves). These players must have headsets and internet voice-chat services running to be so coordinated. And me? I’m just trying to silently convey how to work together, passing the ball in front of the other team’s goal (called clearing) so one of my teammates can score. No. No one really gets that move, other than the other team who does it so flawlessly and skirts around me and my team almost every time. And then, my team has the nerve to criticize ME! And, if one more “floater” tells me to “take the shot,” I will snap and shove my foot up his or her– Well, you get the idea. What’s the use in having my fierce language filtered?

And, how lousy is it to enter a ranked match and either have your team vote to forfeit after one goal or have some internet glitch lose connection, knock you out of the game and get a penalty for leaving the game? Extremely lousy! How many games have I entered in which my team bails and leaves me to rot with the full other team for another few minutes of humiliation? How many must I endure? And, if I feel the urge to leave, heaven forbid! I will be burned at the stake and banned from play! As if! Do that and I will unleash a wrath so scathing, you’re grandkids will scream in pain.

Oh yea. And, “friend lists?” What a joke. The people I befriend seem only interested in winning, not being actual teammates who tolerate and learn from loss and actually communicate with each other! I have actually deleted and blocked “friends” because they only want someone who can win games for them, as if it’s magic that just graced their doorstep like some blue fairy visiting a wooden boy. When I’m not dazzling them, they want nothing to do with me. Screw friends.

I thought chatting outside games would be beneficial to all. I guess not! People have no patience for chat. They just want to play, rank up and win, win, win more stuff. But, if they are going to be “friends,” why can’t they be more friendly and enduring?! No. Friends suck. Your friend list and chat service with all of its excessive filtering sucks. You’re worse than Ned Flanders; ohgly dohgly.

Now, let’s talk about those “rare drops.” How many of those damn things do I have to earn to get something I really like?! Well, so far, I’d say the odds of getting a favorable reward are about 1/20. 19/20 include lousy duplicate wheels, paint finishes or decals, even if the drop is an extra special one. Last season, when I completed the big list of chores and got the three special prize “eggs,” did I get anything great out of those? Nope. I got a duplicate of a car I had already unlocked/earned elsewhere and more wheels and, I think, a new finish or decal I was lucky I could even use on some cars. THAT was what all of my hard work earned?!

Of course, there’s always trading. As if! If I don’t “buy in to trade,” I see only the option to “trade in,” AND THAT SUCKS! How many things have I traded in just to get another lousy set of wheels or duplicate finish? Too many. Blueprint trading is dumber than dumb!

If people could actually trade with me, MAYBE I’d actually find someone willing to trade for what I have in duplicate. But, probably not, because what I think or see labeled as RARE, UNCOMMON and/or IMPORT are actually quite common and already showcased on other players. I don’t see much sense in trading anything. Any good items I have or want seem only one-of-a-kind.

Do you realize I have worked my arse off through three seasons/years of lousy team-ups and brutal thrashings by pros thrice my speed, and I still haven’t earned ONE lousy goal explosion? What is the fricken elite deal with those, anyway?! And, why can’t I get the one Julie Buchanan song I actually like without “going premium?” Haven’t I earned that track? I think I have. Last season, you had tracks available as prizes along the journey to completing a season level. Why not this season? Someone actually wants one of your better songs. LET ME USE IT, ALREADY!

I am so furious at my lousy luck after three years, I am reluctant to even open any more “prize eggs” much less play any more games, at all. And, I’m sure some if not all of you would say, “Good! Get lost, you cheapskate!” Well, isn’t that just a fine kettle of fish. What did you expect? Every person who plays without paying to eventually give in and spend the bucks? Ya know, I bet I’d cave, spend the money and STILL get screwed with the lousy prizes and teams. I look at the “premium” list of items I am missing out on…and only 5 of the lot are remotely appealing. The rest are–ooooh! fifty colors of the same prize from several levels ago! Oh, I just have to have that prize in every color! NOT! I’m not going to put out my hard-earned cash just to get paired up with more wimps who cannot communicate or endure a loss and get creamed by more pros and sweet-shot weasels who sit at their goal just waiting for my team to make a mistake so they can race across the field and score the easiest of goals! I’m not going to pay to earn duplicate items only to feel worse than I do getting useless furniture in Animal Crossing. You can take your financial demands, turn them sideways, polish them and then shove them up your candy–

You want me to reconsider? Tell ya what. Just give me the Julie Buchanan soundtrack, all of her songs, so I can pick and use them in the game…or, maybe, just send me a CD I can play at home when I don’t need to be raising my BP to the limit in your game, late at night. Do that, and I’ll likely shrug off my complaints. Or, even better, throw a decent goal explosion my way. Give me that “overgrowth” with the birds flying out of the tree; any color but pink or green will do. Give me the dancing rabbit girl (without me spending 20 bucks to buy enough credits). Or, give me that checkered flag or mic drop. For crying out loud, how hard is it to earn a goal explosion?!

But, if you’re anything like the average player I encounter, you’ll probably be happier just to see me storm away and never play your game, again. Whatever. There aren’t enough foul words to satisfy the bile in my throat, the venom I want to spew at you before I drive my fist into your faces like your obnoxious Octane speeding into a goal explosion; you know, that thing you refuse to let me use.

Sincerely,

One furious customer who regrets ever getting sucked into your world, Junk Sleep

P. FRICKEN S. Is there a contact service line I could use to speak with some of your illustrious staff?  Email?  Phone line? [Cracks his knuckles in anticipation.]