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Do you suffer from jealousy?
Do you crave what others have and vow to take it for yourself?
Do you experience uncontrollable urges to dominate the world and/or cause trouble?
Do violent thoughts cloud your judgement, putting others at risk of your restless heart?

Then, you might benefit from a prescription of…

MONEY

MONEY restrains thoughts of violence and rebellion by injecting concepts like expense, insurance, financial security, cost, loan, debt, poverty, bankruptcy, discount, dividend, rainy day fund, hole burning in pocket, retirement savings account and wealth into the primitive human brain.  Tests show MONEY has a high rate of curbing otherwise incalculable damage to lives and land from those who cannot negotiate diplomatically, barter and/or survive with what they already have.  MONEY limits resource disputes because MONEY contains “Idonthavetodestroyewol” which alters the mind’s value of things and can significantly reduce death and property damage.

But, don’t just take this narrator’s word for it.  Listen to these satisfied individuals acting as customers…

Grey-haired older person happily sharing a meal with grand-kids in a well-furnished dining room:  “If I didn’t have MONEY, I don’t know what I’d do if neighbors damaged my property or hurt someone I love.  I don’t have the physical strength to fight anymore.  But, with MONEY, I don’t have to fight.  I can sue the offender and take everything they have in court.  Thanks, MONEY.”

Single mother of two and a half kids pouring her son a big glass of milk in her humbly furnished kitchenette:  “My life has certainly become more complex and restrained having to calculate the cost of everything I do with my family.   With MONEY, I don’t have to worry about what my kids will do with all of their free time.  Now, I have control over what they play with and where they get educated.  Even if it leaves me in debt, begging for financial aid and cheating the system any way I can to save a buck.”

Scrawny, scantily clad prostitute–with a hair color not found in nature–standing on a street corner shortly before sunset:  “I used to feel inferior because of social anxiety and disputes with my parents.  But, now I can trade sex for MONEY, buy things my neighbors would kill for with ease and enjoy going to work every day.  So what if I get abused by bigger men now and then.  At least, I have a social life and not some lousy marriage or failing business dragging me down.  Who needs a nine-to-five job, anyway?  Just drop your pants!  And, let my manager take care of the rest.”

 
Visibly wealthy older man with twenty-something “trophy wife” in his arms beside the pool of his large estate:  Before MONEY, guys like me probably didn’t have a chance with women like this.  We were far too out of shape and…old.  But, thanks to MONEY, you can have any beauty you desire for the right price.  I laugh at people who use dating websites to find love.  Get a real job, you hippies!  She’s all mine!  [Young wife says:]  Yea, I am!  Just look at the ring he gave me!  It’s huge!

Non-white, United States immigrant shopkeeper closing cash register after giving change to a departing customer with a nod and a wink:  “Now, I don’t have to wait for medical care when I or some member of my family is sick or injured.  Even if all I have is a simple cold which could be treated with a healthy diet, liquids and rest, I can see a doctor at any time of day or night, have him tell me what I should already know and let someone else pay the cost.  Thanks, MONEY.”

Wealthy-looking woman caressing a large urn on a pedestal while a maid behind her dusts other large possessions:  “This might not mean anything to you.  But, thanks to MONEY, my clay pot–reproduced by poorly paid laborers after the original was stolen from slain natives–and my ridiculously huge house are worth a fortune which can keep me financially secure well into early retirement.  That’s good news for my legacy.”

Sloppy-looking man with a paint-spattered apron painting a vase of flowers in his private studio:  “I may not make more than a few hundred bucks selling this month’s work of art today.  But, someone who finds it decades later in the garbage can turn around and make a fortune at auction by selling it.  [Chuckles]  How’s that for investing in your future?  Now, if you don’t mind, I have to get back to work so I can keep a failing businessman or con artist off the streets while I struggle to keep my refrigerator stocked.”

Single overweight woman–who hates to cook for one–buying lunch at a fast food chain:  “My ancestors used to worry about how to keep their meals from spoiling and crops not growing.  They only lived to be thirty if they were lucky.  Now, I can go to the grocery store or my favorite restaurant and have previously frozen foods injected with all sorts of unsafe chemical bi-products waiting for me any time I want.  Even if the stores throw out tons of unsold products to rot, I’m sure to live well past a hundred if some man-made disease doesn’t take me down.  And, it’s all thanks to MONEY.”

Smiling married couple sitting together in front of their rather large entertainment system on a white sofa in a room of all neutral colors:  [Wife says:]  “Long ago, people like us used to take home entertainment for granted.  We went from listening to every commercial and subliminal message to hating the sound of electricity.  But now, thanks to MONEY, we have ever-changing technology which keeps us replacing our equipment to keep up with the neighborhood and tuning our brains with increasingly powerful invisible radiation.”  [Husband nudges wife and says:]  “Even if they replace intelligent and/or comical shows with dozens of channels containing nothing but cute pets, repeating advertisements and people’s private lives captured on some hard drive, we’ll keep watching.”  [Wife nudges husband back, smiles and adds:]  “We’re paying for our entertainment every day without having to go to the store and buy unnecessary test products.  And, in a few years, we’re sure to be paying double.  That oughta make some smart businessman rich.”  [Husband says:]  “Just not us.”  [Wife laughs:]  “Yeah.  Not us.”

Visibly distressed square man with equally square eyeglasses sitting beside his computer with a stack of papers on his lap:  “Sure, doing business online is risky.  I could lose my shirt in a blink if some hacker discovers the passwords to my accounts which I change every six months just to stay sane.  But, it beats having to go to the bank, waiting in line and killing some poor, defenseless trees just to transfer funds.  I no longer have to deal with people who might hurt or disturb me.  I can stay at home where I’ll likely never see the light of day, have human contact or get regular exercise.  Without MONEY, I’d have to get off my butt and fight off both man and beast to get what I need.  Survival of the fittest?  Who needs that?”

Sooty future man wearing military apparel and dodging search lights from remote control drones flying over a city street ravaged by robots, missiles and lasers:  “Just think.  I could be sitting at home doing nothing but talking and stuffing my face with people I no longer like.  Instead, I’m staying fit, staying hungry on the run from machines programmed by people just like me who worked for decades to create these robotic menaces while believing they were sustaining themselves and making the world a better place.  Long ago, we encouraged childbirth to amass a large workforce.  But, that became too costly and annoying.  Then, we made people dependent upon what was pitched as ‘social media’ and created computer jobs to eliminate ourselves and make life easier for a handful of wealthy individuals who used their financial leverage to control everyone else.  Now, that’s smart MONEY.”

Balding married man in his late twenties with hair transplant and “successful” wardrobe getting out of his polished two-door car on a quiet suburban street lined with identical houses:  “MONEY doesn’t leave me wondering why I shouldn’t punch or shoot the person next to me for making me mad.  Now, all I need to think about are penalties, lawsuits brought upon myself and how I’m going to cover the cost of living which used to be free from Heaven.  Thanks, MONEY.  You’re a lifesaver.”

WARNING:  Side effects of MONEY may include:  Sudden lapses in moral judgement, preoccupation with spending and/or hoarding, bitch-slapping those viewed as inferior, depriving others of necessities, overflow of landfills due to hasty mass-production and wasted resources, lower self-esteem when comparing one’s income to that of another (especially when seeking a romantic relationship and/or commitment), imprisonment, competition for resources similar to that involved in general warfare and internal upsets which could result in more serious medical and mental health problems.  MONEY may cause “Midas” or “Harod fever” which significantly puts you at risk of destroying everything you previously valued for what you think is the love of MONEY.
If you suffer a four-hour erection with visions of gold dancing in your head or experience increased thoughts of jealousy, fear of poverty, greed, theft, cheating, violence and/or disrespect for others (which may include “pimping” and/or slavery), tell your government to stop manufacturing MONEY and seek a better alternative immediately.

If you are seeking an alternative to combat, feel your livelihood is threatened by violence or if you’d like to keep bothersome squatters off your property…don’t just sit there sharpening your weapon(s) and/or worrying about someone taking everything you think you own by force.  Ask your government if they can supply you with a prescription for MONEY.

MONEY.  It just makes life…easier…

…for everyone but you.