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Hi! Welcome to the Covid 19 Auction 2021. I’m your host, Lazy Spender. The auction has already started. I can hear a few people coughing and sneezing. Most of the bidders are seated apart at the recommended distance. I see two gentlemen with oxygen tanks. Not everyone is wearing a mask. AAAnd, someone just puked in that corner. Let’s check out what’s up for bid…
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Auctioneer: Our next item up for bid is a dose of the latest vaccine. It is NOT guaranteed to make you immune to the latest deadly variant. But, it will likely spare you from a large hospital bill.
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Lazy: Now, for those of you who are new to this venue, bidders voice offers they are willing to accept if they are granted the item up for bid. Auctioneers begin the bidding with the first offer provided by a particular sponsor who is prodding bidders to take the deal. The actual number of items available to distribute to the bidders remains unclear. Let’s get down to the action.
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Bidder 1: I’ll take a free donut–No! Wait! $100 and my *free* shot!
Bidder 3: Pfft! That’s pathetic. I’ll take a Subway gift card and let my barber give me the shot when I get my next haircut!
Bidder 5: Good luck. Like I’d trust a barber to give me the vaccine, while other customers sit around you in a cramped barber shop. I’ll take a Toyota Rav 4 and my shot!
Bidder 7: Are you here for the Oprah Auction?
Bidder 5: Yeah. Why?
Bidder 7: That’s in the other warehouse. Number 25.
Bidder 5: Oh! Whoops! Gotta go. Twenty-fiiive…
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Lazy: It looks like there are plenty of shots to go around. This could go on for a while. But, there are other tables with items up for bid. Let’s move to the next one where it appears jobs are being offered to the unemployed, including those who were hastily stripped of their sole source of minimal income when quarantine began. Any bidder who accepts the offer is welcome to claim their prize…because these companies are getting desperate for staffing.

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Auctioneer: I have a low-rank warehouse job with the promise of steady hours, insurance buying options, minimal sick-leave pay, vacation time to those who survive a trial period and a starting wage of $10 per hour.
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Bidder 9: *Cough*
Bidder 11: *Sniffle* *Cough* [Clears her throat.]
Bidder 13: …… [Cracks his neck.]
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Auctioneer: Uuuuh, I have the same job but with a starting wage of $16 per hour and a signing bonus of $500. Of course, with gas prices on the rise from devasting storms and warfare…and the remote location of the warehouse, there will be a bit of a drive, getting to work. I’m sorry, affordable electric cars are not yet a thing in this world.
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Bidder 15 (whispering to her neighbor, a fellow single mother): Is he serious?!
Bidder 17 (the other single mother, sitting with her brother from another mother): I wonder how much he’s being paid to run this thing. And, why isn’t HE wearing a mask?
Bidder 19: Unless it’s a posh Google job with a company car, I’m not budging. I heard someone got a job at McDonald’s with a free trip to college. Hmm! I’d say sign me up if I wasn’t sure I’d die from wearing a mask while working over a hot grill. And, NO one wants a burger made by someone who might be a carrier. Mmm-mmm. No, sir, ma’am or the other.
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Auctioneer: Alright, forget that one, for now. I-I have a position at Google…(looks directly at the bidder who said she wanted such a job, because there is no privacy at this auction)…with a starting wage of $25 per hour, access to a free workout room, cafeteria pass and use of a company car. It looks like someone just lost this cubicle when the quarantine of 2020 began. So, it hasn’t been certified as sterilized. But, we can look into that for you.
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Bidder 19 (projecting beams of hot red light from her eyes at the auctioneer): …..Still not good enough. I’m not boxing myself in a place like that when I don’t know if the fifty other people in the room aren’t fully vaccinated and wearing masks. And, even if they are vaccinated, there’s no guarantee I’m safe from getting terribly ill. Also, I don’t like needles. So, I’m tellin’ you all, right now. I haven’t gotten the shot. Not one, two or the other. So!
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Lazy: I-It looks like we have a tough crowd. And, bidding is stonewalled by a lousy healthcare system. Well, we’ve run out of time. If there IS a next time, join us, here, at the Covid 19 Auction 2021. Thanks for watching. Even if you didn’t enjoy this program, be sure to hit the LIKE button, below, on your screen. I’m your host, Lazy Spender. Goodnight and get vaccinated. Don’t wait.
(whispers to camera operator Glen) Cut the camera! Get me OUT of here. I haven’t gotten MY shot. And, this place is making me SICK!
Camera operator Glen: Uuuh. How do you turn this thing off, again?
Lazy: It’s a smartphone, Glen! It shouldn’t be that–! *groan* Here. Give me the damn–!
Pfft! [TEST PATTERN AND SILENCE, FOLLOWED BY A NUMBER OF GIF VIDEO LINKS TO OTHER LAZY SPENDER APPEARANCES, INCLUDING A PIE THROWN IN HER FACE AND A SUPPOSED SWIMSUIT MODELING SESSION, ACCORDING TO THE CAPTION, THOUGH THE IMAGE ONLY SHOWS GLIMPSES OF HER FACE FROM DIFFERENT ANGLES.]

gas pump restoration auction


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