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Ask Carolyn (Hax) column originally titled “That hopeless feeling is the depression talking.”
Depressed is someone (not sure if they are a man or woman and don’t want to presume too much) married to a woman who they fear will throw a fit if D. confesses to being overwhelmed and depressed, as the spouse previously did (presumably from what D. says). This isn’t the first big bout with depression (and anxiety, I’d wager).
Carolyn covers most of the bases and provides an outlet for seeking therapy. And, for once, I am not totally opposed to the suggestion(s).
However, one little bell keeps ringing in my head, a familiar sound that I think I’ve heard in my own life.
There’s a second letter regarding a Show Stopper, who has earned a lucrative job upgrade and is at odds with less wealthy friends who miss their nose-bleed-seats companion at various events/shows. I don’t have much to say about that, but I’ll address it, briefly, in the end.
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Depressed, your wife is an emotional loudmouth. Am I right? When she reacts, she gets LOUD and rubs your delicate nerves the wrong way. But, instead of being confrontational, as some would do, you withdraw and whimper. I know that sounds bad…but just be honest with yourself. You cower and withdraw rather than bark back and defend yourself. You don’t want an argument/fight. If your wife “worries,” she is going to make you feel worse when she starts stuffing her face and making a bigger, scarier picture out of everything you wish wasn’t so troubling. She sounds an alarm when anything “bad” happens. She’s like salt in a wound when you “worry” her, not a bandage or cooling solution. Right?
It’s possible you’re being overly sensitive and doing what Carolyn says, letting the depression speak for you. [That was a pretty darn good metaphor she gave about the depression being like an organism or entity possessing you, directing you. Ooh, that felt good to read (for this metaphor guy).]
[I just saw a case of a “hoarder” on a reality-TV show in which his wife hasn’t been in the space occupied by his cluttered collections in 14 years! She has left him to his habit and avoided part of their home for more than a decade. Talk about not touching a tender matter with a ten-foot pole. Now, there’s a couple avoiding a time bomb. I guarantee one or both of them is afraid to talk and overwhelmed by something. The reality-TV show don’t care much about the reality…just making money on TV spectacles.]
However, IF it’s not JUST the depression talking…if your wife is of the “tough-love” and “independent” mentality that wants each of you to pull your own weight…if she doesn’t feel any need or desire to be the nurse in your times of need…what kind of a partner is she? [I mean…we just determined if she was one or the other. I’m just spitting out words as I breathe to relief my own internal stress.] And, did you know all of this when you married her?
You’d like her to be more gentle and comforting. Am I right? But, she’s not like that…for whatever reason. [I could be here all day analyzing the possibilities.] And, she wants you to “man up.” Right? But, you currently cannot “man up” because you’re stuck in quicksand, sinking into despair. You want her to throw you a vine and help you get out…but she’s the sort who is inclined to say, “You got yourself into that mess; you gotta get yourself out!” She’s willing to go “halfsies” with you, but, right now, you’re not even close to half. And, you cannot entirely blame yourself, unless depression and anxiety are crimes of neglect on the part of the possessed party.
You’re in a tough knot, D. I’ve felt like you when dealing with my own “friends” and family. I’ve been down your dark, troubling road so long, I still feel like I’m stuck in the mud and flailing to stay afloat. No one is really free or willing to come to my aid. I have to get myself out of my messes. And, while I cower and fail to do that, my body and health in general is suffering.
When you say she will be upset because you don’t tell her sooner…exactly how SOON are you supposed to inform her of your condition? The first moment you feel glum? Are you two not openly communicating about your daily feelings/state of mind? Is that so strange or wrong? Well…not strange, because plenty of couples seem to be failing at communication. And, that…is definitely wrong. It’s not good. But, it’s sadly common.
If you are not quick enough to convey your distress, that is a “step” you COULD work on…like right now. Face that fire she throws at you, one more time. Why not? You’ve been through this before, right? So, “man up” and take one more hit from the fire dragon you married. Then, once you get past that battle (and, surely, you can survive the fight), be quicker on the trigger the next time you feel crappy or troubled. If you’ve never done it before, try telling her the first day you feel uneasy about something. Say, “Honey? I’m not feeling so good about ___.” And, if you want to talk about your feelings (you should), invite her to talk somewhere comfortable.
But, you’re right. If you go find a therapist without talking to the wife, first, she is bound to throw a fit, again. You’re in that position where getting care is just as troubling as sitting with the problem, not because care is necessarily too hard to find (and we haven’t even touched on your financial/insurance status, which is sure to play a part in this situation), but because the people you have to live with are like pets that don’t want to go to the vet. She will kick up a fuss, tear the house apart and rattle your bones as if you can do nothing right and she cannot stand the fact you’re less than half the person she married, right now.
But…you have to tell her SOMETHING…eventually. So, if you DO seek therapy, tell her that’s what you feel you need to do, and have a little courage in yourself to admit that. You’re not her child. You’re an adult, her partner, her equal (even if you’re not feeling or acting the part, right now). If she cannot respect you for admitting a course of action, even if you could have had a better track time (as if you were a runner in the Olympics trying to shave tenths of seconds off your record time), then assess the relationship. Right now.
I suggest group therapy over single-person because then you don’t have to feel alone with your concerns and just might find someone else going through the same despair, who can then compare notes with you to reach a solution you both can appreciate. Also, group therapy might be more convenient if one-on-one therapists are “booked up.” I suspect the more clients a therapist can see, the better; so why wouldn’t a group dynamic be more convenient/available than one-on-one, in which the therapist has to schedule individual hours for a dozen? clients.
If you can stomach it, bring the wife along and see what the others, including the therapist, think of your situation with her. You might want an outside perspective on the relationship…even though, truly, you two should be working all of this out on your own. If you two were a well-oiled unit, situations like this wouldn’t break the bank or rock the boat; you’d face them together and get through this. So, what is preventing that teamwork?
Food for thought. Don’t let my words add to your troubles. Hopefully they help, somehow.
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Now, as to the second letter of this column….
I’ve written my thoughts, twice, and they already feel too long/wordy.
Carolyn pretty much said all of it, in as many words.
Show Stopper, if you value those friends, you’ll compromise and take turns with “posh” and “poverty,” if they are so poor. Isn’t that obvious? What other solution did you expect? Someone telling you to dump those friends or expect them to come up to your level all of the time?
If the “cushy” job costs you your friends, which is worth more? Which is easier to replace?
Yet, if those friends are truly “offended” or otherwise so strongly bothered by you offering to upgrade their accommodations, once in a while, how are they ever going to be comfortable with you, ever again, if you remain at this new financial status? You could take a “lower seat” with them and be unable to control yourself when you say something “posh.” That might bother them, too. What then?
[I know myself; I am not comfortable when someone wealthier than me says or does something that makes me feel poor. Nor do I want to feel pressured to “tip generously” or otherwise spend more just to come up to another person’s level. It might not even be a financial risk, but I feel endangered by spending more than what feels comfortable and/or fair.
And, once it happens, the rest of that time together is a wash. It’s no good. I want out and to get back to my comfort zone…and probably never speak with that person, again. I don’t want to feel like a miser/penny-pincher or penniless bum, especially in public, where the slightest glance or raised voice can paint me a spectacle.
Yet, if I go into a meeting, knowing the person is wealthier and choosing to be with that person, I must accept that, once in a while, the difference will arise, somehow. I have to make myself comfortable with that…or choose not to be with that person in that particular situation (not always, because there may be more private instances in which we can cohabitate and be near-perfectly comfortable, together).]
One might also ask…has the new job had any impact upon the person you are and/or have become? Are you different, now, when among those friends?
If you are comfortable where you currently are at and cannot get any “lower” because it would mean breaking off your angel wings, then, by all means, wish those mortal friends well and find solace in your new heaven with fellow angels. You’ve…er, evolved. And, surely, you can find fellow evolved individuals to call friends? [There’s always the chance one or more of your “lower” friends could find a financial lift, too, and rejoin you.]
If, down the road, you find yourself looking back, wondering what happened to that lot, well, then you have a tough choice, a sacrifice, to make and a road of atonement to pave.
[Oh. Gee. I still feel wordy. But, I’m stopping here…now. Knowing me, I’ll come back and edit this a few times, anyway.]
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