Writingbolt's Creation

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Find me someone who actually LIKES carbonated (canned) seltzer water, and you’ll likely find someone with a very unique sense of smell or me walking away in a foul mood (because I will not be comfortable around that person).

I don’t get it. I don’t understand why it’s even sold in cans other than to have a small, portable supply of what should be added to syrups to make sodas. Claiming something as plain and bitter as seltzer water (carbon-dioxide-injected bubble water) is flavored does not register with me; but (note) I currently do not have a sense of smell. So, I can only deduce the “flavor” in flavored seltzer water must be an aromatic thing.

If it’s not the aroma given off by a freshly opened can, then I can only assume the flavor is in the can….

I mean that, literally. So, take a can of Michael Buble’s Bubly, for example. Blueberry Bubly; it doesn’t taste anything like blueberries, but, if you look hard enough at the nicely made aluminum can, you can imagine fresh blueberries melting in your mouth…as you sip a mildly refreshing yet slightly sour/bitter mouthful of tap water. Mango flavor is similarly delightful…to look at (the can). Now, let your imagination drift as you sample what tastes the same as the Blueberry variety.

I’ve sampled a few seltzer waters in my lifetime, thus far.

Black Bear was probably the only one that had a remote flavor I could taste. I only drank it, as a kid, from small bottles.

La Croix (or as some refer to it…Le Crotch) is by far the worst; you will crave clean tap water after some of this lead-flavored poison…unless you’re that special sort of person who actually lives on the stuff…in which case, I will be avoiding you like the plague. You probably think well water is nature’s champagne. Lead-tastic. I would rather use the name as one of those 1960s Batman exclamations. LE CROTCH! I kick your privates!

Most recently, I sampled a few Bubly (as I previously mentioned). And, while not impressed…not even satisfied…I can say it, at least, gives a sort of refreshment to the tongue, cleansing the tastebuds between flavors (as any good water should do). Better yet, adding it to fruit juice works wonders; including grapefruit juice, which I normally do not like.

[Do not worry about mixing Blueberry Bubly with grapefruit juice; there is no flavor confusion…unless you have a problem mixing something from a blue container with something from a pink container. The end result will still taste like grapefruit…actually, like a weak, less-sweet Sierra Mist (now called Starly?…isn’t that a Pokémon?) or, maybe, Sprite.]

The cans are cute (which is probably the only reason why I dared to give seltzer another try) and colorful (and it’s sad that other less healthy beverages don’t have such nice containers). But, flavor? I laugh…and then think about punching Michael Buble for attaching himself to such a silly product at a time when recycling is questionable and contained water is out of control.

[Maybe if he took away the flavor labels and just called it canned water…I would restrain my frustration…for a while…and then punch him. What a crazy fad people will laugh about 40-50 years from now…if we’re not dead. Bottled water makes more sense…sadly…than to put (plain) carbonated water in twelve-ounce cans. This whole beverage concept makes me think of that D-movie Tank Girl and the war over water.]

If all he is selling is a soda supplement, wouldn’t it be just as efficient to sell soda? If I have to buy the Bubly and something else to supply the sweetness and flavor, I might as well buy soda (or one of those machines that injects carbon-dioxide gas into flavored water). And, if you counter that with talk of calories or sugar intake, I will strangle you and the whole beverage industry for being so infuriating. Considering all of the acidic, over-sweetened beverages, alcohols and fast food, including the wanton greasiness of modern pizza chains, we are dooming ourselves to a fate worse than natural death. But, if you’re going to eat or drink some, you might as well not fret over calories and/or sugar (cuz the “light,” “zero” and “diet” alternatives are not more healthy).

So, where to end with this rant…

In short, if you happen to favor seltzer water, I first ask you to give me your thoughts on the flavor aspect. I ask you to give me an example of a brand that actually tastes like something in MY mouth. And, finally, if you are particularly enamored with the stuff, I ask you to stay as far away from me as possible (because we will only clash). And, if I see you order it, anywhere, or add it to your shopping basket, especially La Croix, I will make a mental note to never speak with nor help you in any way I can.

Enjoy your commercially sealed tap-water products, if you dare.