***
Ask Carolyn (Hax) column originally titled “Did world’s greatest aunt give up on love too soon?”
Happy? is a matured single woman who divorced once (20 years ago) and was denied the chance to have kids (genetically, I presume, though I am inclined to think anyone who appears “sterile” or otherwise incapable is a Mary who just hasn’t found her Joseph and messenger angel). After a few other disturbing relationships, which shattered her confidence and endangered her personal security, she became a content aunt, sister-in-law (somewhat forcefully) and working woman. She claims to be ninety-nine percent happy with her lifestyle and only bothered by the one pecked at by her so-called friends who want to pair her up with someone.
Carolyn, somewhat surprisingly, does a fine job of answering this letter. So fine that I have little to say about it. Yet, I feel, at least, one percent agitated by the question Happy? presents.
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Happy? If you are, indeed, content, and can list all of those assets, why do you have ANY doubts? Why does it seem like people who claim to have everything don’t? I suppose, if you were really content, you wouldn’t have to say anything; you’d just be…happy and living your life. When people spit out lists of badges and such, it seems they might be pulling out the emergency kit and throwing everything inside at a recent wound.
I cannot believe I am saying this…but Carolyn is right when she says, “What kind of friend corrects her?” A good friend shouldn’t vote against you; they should vote with you and support your decisions. BUT…if that good friend knew or sensed something that cannot adequately be conveyed in a letter to an advice columnist, who you wouldn’t need, at all, if you were truly 99% confident in your happiness…right?…then that friend SHOULD be free to say something about what is somewhat secretly upsetting you. If that good friend senses you are putting up a good defense yet suffering quietly when you finally take off your social disguise…is that so wrong?
A good friend isn’t always going to agree with everything you say or do; not when they have experience or higher wisdom to know you are in denial or need something you’re not addressing/getting yourself. A good friend shouldn’t put you in any range of harm or danger nor come to blows over any disagreement; nor should they ever say anything that makes light of what you take very seriously (as if they think you’re a fool). But, if they try to nudge you out of your comfort zone with good intentions, that’s not always a bad thing. Sometimes, a good friend knows you better than you care to admit (yourself). [However, personally, I draw a line at “let me hook you up with someone I know.” That just hits a nerve. Bad family history.]
I’ll nod in agreement when Carolyn shuns the “blind-date vending machine.” Set-ups have personally troubled me since I learned how my parents met. Suffice to say, that has given me fear similar to the sort you seem to be projecting. And, yes, you may be suffering from bad-relationship trauma. You’ve had some rough luck with men, the sort of luck that would turn some women into lesbians or bisexual experiments.
The way you describe being close to your brother and his wife’s family…concerns me. No in-laws that I know enjoy a sibling that much. I, myself, have been a source of resentment to one branch and agitated by another (which keeps me at a distance in more ways than one and weakens my sibling relationships). My brother has injected agitation into the lives of some “friends” who are married, one who recently had to divorce and relocate. [I seriously suspect my brother was key to that divorce, the friend getting in the way of an otherwise busy couple/marriage (with kids).] When a sibling/friend spends enough time within the tender environment of a couple, it seems to stir negative feelings. The sibling/friend is no longer a welcome guest paying a rare visit; they are a growing distraction and unwanted audience to what may be a marital spat or other relationship challenge. A couple doesn’t want or need an outside party taking their emotional upheaval with them (or to other parties not involved, in the form of gossip).
You also state that “zero tolerance” with conviction, which, to me, suggests you are DEEPLY troubled (and, sort of, in denial…yet on the brink of confessing something). You wouldn’t have to confirm zero tolerance if you were zero tolerant. You see what I’m saying? I claim to be zero tolerant about certain matters, and, when I do, I feel just the slightest bit concerned I’ve only alerted the “gremlins” to come pick on me, again, because I am admitting my fear. I could, instead, say nothing and keep the concern completely (zero) out of conversation. Let the violator cross the line before you tell them to hush.
You taking relationships “off the table” to work on yourself…which became a lifestyle…is like me going back to school to get a degree. I put it off for a reason, or reasons…and, to turn back and face that old worrisome decision, again, seems like a huge stomach upset neither of us want to face…but something is telling us we should or need to face it.
I still cannot see myself confronting another year of school work, especially at a college level. And, I have those old reasons…and I have a strong desire/demand (my own “tolerance”) for a better support system, if I ever dared to try. Without that comfort zone and support, I would just be prone to some old demons who ruined my school years…and, possibly, my whole life.
Likewise, you know what went bad before and have intense fear of facing the risks, one more time. Why take that gamble? Why does everyone afraid of haunted houses have to go through one? If you don’t like burning your tongue until you’ve gone numb, why punish yourself with spicy foods (just because “everyone else” is okay with experimenting)?
For you, it’s not as simple as your “friends” wish to make it. Maybe they are the casual dating, bar-fly type who seem like fun pillows to keep around you but aren’t exactly the best counselors or supporters, even if you swear they are the best of friends. They may make getting out of your “sanctuary” less daunting, allowing you to loosen up and do things you’d likely never try alone…but they’re not so in sync with your “tolerance” that they also make you entirely comfortable in your solitude. [I’m just being honest without more information on who these people are.]
Brushing all of the above aside, you ultimately decide for yourself when and if you are ready and willing to start another (romantic) relationship, not your friends, not your brother, not your brother’s wife’s family, not your potentially curious nephews or nieces who may ask why you’re not married like their parents. You.
But…if you are having even the slightest doubts or concerns about remaining single and somewhat solitary…..
HUG
You’ll get through this. You’ll get over it and go back to your habits, good or bad. “When the time is right,” you’ll hopefully NOT pass up a good thing. And, even if you do, hopefully, you’ll get another chance. But, when YOU are ready (and when the Fates allow, just like motherhood).
Oh. AAAnd, one more thing. Even if you were “lying to yourself,” you’re human. But…shouldn’t you have more faith in those “good friends” than an advice columnist you’ve never met? THAT is the clincher. If they were so good to you, why would anyone need the input of an advice columnist? [Have you no faith in your friends?]
Have a nice day.
Writingbolt's Creation 
The Poor Mental Health of Male Soccer Players
Tags: aging, commentator, distress, football, futbol, health, mental health, opinion, physical, players, PTSD, soccer, sports, stress, stressed, trauma, world cup
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Let me start by saying I take no pleasure in pointing fingers at other people, in “judging.” But, when you make a cowardly, crazy suggestion for how a team should win a soccer game, I am prodded to speak (and maybe sling a few arrows)!
In my rare experience with watching professional soccer on TV, I’m watching the World Cup and seeing at least three American (USA) candidates for PTSD as well as hearing talk that suggests a psychological disorder during gameplay. Two out of three non-black, male commentators look like they suffer from some mental trauma (which has also impacted their physical appearance and behavior); the third looks as if he’s not quite human, from Krypton. And, a particular soccer coach looks perpetually uneasy with himself and the sport.
One guy is shorter than his companions, balding, has a (slight) crush on one of the women on the panel and occasionally makes no sense while blinking somewhat rapidly. The latter reaction could be a side effect of the studio lighting, working late (when Qatar is dark outside) and his crush.
The taller guy almost always has his head tilted down, giving his big eyes that sad-puppy-dog look. He shifts in his seat in an uncomfortable way and speaks in bursts, trying to sound confident and assured but not looking the part. It’s a bit unsettling.
Then you see that one bald coach blinking and frowning consistently… I’ve seen that behavior before. You may call it a nervous tic. I say the guy is distressed! He’s one step from the crazed soldier in that old acid-drooling-alien film, the guy who cries, “Game over, man!”
They are all former soccer players. And, unlike other sporty windbags who comment on games, these guys are not arrogant and/or aloof. It’s like watching soldiers try to hold a casual conversation after a “tour of duty.”
It’s PTSD. Their history with soccer has turned them into psychological messes, and, I guess, commentating is their therapy group. One is lucky he still has most of his hair; maybe he has a yeti in his family tree.
The way they talk about how to spend ninety minutes and scoring goals…it’s cowardly! It’s insane. You are suggesting a team wastes eighty-five minutes, deflecting their opponents, before trying for one vital goal? Are you out of your minds? Of course, you are. You are traumatized.
Are you suggesting the team cannot score more than one goal without exausting their energy? Are you saying they are lucky to get one goal…while other teams are capable of scoring as many as seven in one game? Even if the odds are against them, why wouldn’t you encourage them to try harder, to go for as many goals as they can?
Maybe saying less and letting the games unfold would be better; let the team be as big or small on the field as they can be. You might be pleasantly surprised. But, that might take away your stage. What do you do then? Yeah…I think there’s anxiety in that question.
So, what is it that causes this? Why are these guys losing their hair and stressing out? I could toss up a few possibilities. But, I’d rather hear from someone who’s been there. I’m just stating my observations and don’t want to make too many assumptions.
Blame the sport, maybe. It’s understandable. The rules are more obnoxious than American football. There’s overtime but no ensured chance to score and clarify a winner. There is more time wasted on questioning penalties, but the potential for referees to unfairly favor one team over another is about the same. Sometimes, I’m not sure if players are getting away with something or not seizing opportunities. The game seems long but goes by quickly; either way, players seem driven mad by time management. It’s like taking the SAT in high school; you have limited time, but, when you start, you’re not quite sure how much time is passing as you stress over the task at hand. It’s a career that can quickly leave you injured both physically and mentally, not unlike a military role. You’ve got older guys in suit jackets–not team hoodies or windbreakers–standing on the sidelines with their arms crossed, flashing gold watches and expecting you to deliver for their benefit. Achievement, action with a sense of purpose, is diminished by the incessant passing of the ball, not knowing if you can count on your own teammates to (help) score. If a game ends in a draw, you’re left with a horrible empty feeling, despite what some might say to pass the time. Talk about excessive distress. [‘No wonder some players bleach their hair. :P]
[There is also the slim possibility these men feel uncomfortable in a foreign land. The conditions (environmental, political, gender-related, etc.) could be impacting their behavior. Perhaps, a past incident, involving clashing with a foreign culture, has scarred them, made them wary.]