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Ask Carolyn (Hax) column originally titled “Relentless sister won’t stop constant criticizing.”
–Wait. This sounds like the last column to elicit my response; something about someone not stopping what they are doing? Ah. Yeah. The unwanted hugs laced with taunting; that was…two weeks ago? Now, it’s just plain unwanted advice and criticism from a sibling.
Standstill is the frustrated child-bearing sister of a woman who has no children of her own but plenty of words that only jab daggers of discomfort and frustration into a sibling who doesn’t want to fight or be told how to live her life by someone who lacks experience…and she wants to mend fences so she doesn’t lose a sibling.
But, Carolyn…oh, Carolyn Hax…only offers the immature solution. The only direction she failed to give was for Standstill to stick fingers in her ears and chant “LA-LA-LA!” at her finger-pointing sister. Oh, and wear her hair in those cute little-sister pigtails, so the whole little-rebel image is complete.
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Standstill, Carolyn is right about one thing. You need to bolster your own defenses to avoid SOME of the pain associated with this conflict. You cannot expect your verbalized or assumed “fences” to keep that sister from trashing them. You cannot control your sister’s responses or contributions, but you can filter them by restricting her. Make it understood that if she wants–if SHE wants–to remain a beloved sister, you won’t continue to stay in her presence if she’s going to prod you with unwanted advice and/or criticism. You have the control and right to walk away from a fight. Have control over where you are with your sister and transportation should you feel the need to leave (just like bailing on a bad blind date).
Now, I have a few shades to cast on the matter.
First, as I just said, your sister has to understand how her approach is upsetting you and alter her course of action IF she plans on remaining a beloved sister. You do your part, and she will have to do hers. This mending fences isn’t just about you solving the whole problem. It will take the two of you to work this out. Just as you have control only over what you accept and provide, she controls what she accepts and provides. It’s…as they say…a two-way street…except now when it feels more like a roadblock or protest.
Understand, if the two-way street doesn’t come together, there WILL be distance between you two. Sadly, I fear we all must get comfortable with living…alone. Good relationships with siblings and other family members might just be a perk to life instead of a given.
Second, is there any chance anything your sister is saying DOES make sense but still hurts your pride and/or feelings? Is there any chance you simply refuse to take good advice because you don’t want someone else to “solve” your problems? Sometimes, certain people acknowledge their flaws and faults but don’t take action to correct them, for whatever reason. It’s like a depressed lack of proactive behavior. You know you should clean the room but don’t want to make the effort; that’s depression.
HOLD IT! Sit back down, Carolyn. Just because I suggest Standstill may be depressed doesn’t mean we send her to a psychotherapist. Just…SIT!
Sure, you could take a stand and say your sister has no right to talk because she doesn’t have kids. But, does not having kids mean a person cannot still have good ideas? I don’t think it warrants your sister becoming some legal representative or spokeswoman for parenting. No. She’s no expert and should never claim a medal for her input. But, if you love your sister…and if she’s not…ya know…crazy…she COULD have good ideas; ideas, maybe, you just are not in a mindset to adopt…ya know…like a child. [‘See what I did there?]
Also, understand–if you don’t, already–that sometimes that unwanted advice comes from a person’s unhappiness with their own life. A dad might get drunk and unleash unholy heck upon his child simply because he is dissatisfied with how the appeal of his life has declined. Your sister might very well be unhappy with some aspect of her own life and taking it out on you. [If you have the courage, you might try probing the matter…but I suspect she will retaliate like a wounded lioness.]
Aside from all of that (third), do NOT take the equivalent of the immature approach (as suggested by a certain C.H.) and merely continue deflecting your sister’s voice. That won’t mend any fences. You understand that much. Right? I hope so. All that does is cut off blood flow until you lose contact.
If you are open to suggestions (suggestions I have yet to enact well myself)…
1) Try scheduling a “peace talk” and test your own filtering system. When she comes at you with something you don’t want to hear (again), remain calm and say you don’t want to hear it. [Or, if you feel “gutsy,” try offering her some equivalent of advice…but that isn’t likely to work and will probably make someone feel immature.] During this peace talk, you can discuss a truce and lay out the terms of that truce on paper, if necessary. This is what you both expect, and here is what happens if one or both of you fail to follow the written rules.
2) Take a vacation. Understand you are risking putting greater distance between you and your sister. But, sometimes, distance makes the heart grow fonder (“they” say). Perhaps, time apart will allow your skin to thicken a bit so you’ll be more prepared to interact with that sister. And, maybe, the next time you see her, she will be more understanding of her own unpleasant reflex and not pester you. During this vacation, you must have zero contact with the frustrating sibling (not even email or text messages) to purge the “infection.”
3) Engage your sister in playful combat. When we lack circulation in the body, we sometimes beat ourselves to promote blood flow and warmth. Perhaps, you two are cutting off blood flow, yourselves, and need a little playful combat to stoke better circulation of thought. Try foam-rubber bats, paintball, one-on-one video games or anything else you feel would appeal to you and your sister. If you don’t have much interest in any of those, try something new! Get interested.
4) Suggest a creative bonding activity to heal the relationship. Offer to work with your sister on a gardening or painting project. Maybe a room in your home needs re-painting. Offer your sister the chance to help with that. [And, keep those personal boundaries in check. If she crosses a line, I suggest option 2. Vacation time.]
On a personal note, I am facing a similar situation in my own family. And, it stems from a seemingly chronic problem in my family’s history. One day of dispute causes an eight-year rift and silent treatment; a family member is banned from communication with another for an uncertain length of time until the supposed victim comes out of their rabbit hole to offer a chat. Most personally, I am seeing rising tensions between me and my own siblings. There are cracks showing a lack of attention, poor listening skills and everyone wanting things their own way. It’s not remotely the sort of warm, supportive family behavior I think we both want.
I never was the best of friends with my brother. But, we used to share nerdy interests…before he became Mr. Trending and started chasing every fad someone threw at him. When he stopped being my bigger twin and started looking like a NASCAR contender covered in logos, I lost interest in trying to be like him and started finding my own way.
[I don’t support chasing trends/fads and wearing promotional clothing. It makes me feel like some company’s cattle. I’m no token cow for anyone or any business that I don’t fully understand and support. And, so far, no company has earned that support from me. I also don’t follow my brother’s trend of being pro-whatever is the color of the moment and then turn to trashing it relentlessly when, blindly, I get cut from the staff. I’m at least partially aware of the possibility of losing a job and don’t give one-hundred percent just to take it back and piss one-hundred percent on the ones who “backstabbed” me. If I am pissy, it’s because I knew I couldn’t fully trust someone and am now letting you hear about it…and why I never wear the company banners with pride until they prove me wrong.]
As I started distancing myself from him, he began pestering me for being “weird.” I wasn’t as coordinated as him. I didn’t dress or walk “correctly.” My behavior was just going to alienate me from the rest of society. He knew better. And, for a number of years, I still put up with that just to be with him. But, I’d say about a decade ago, I finally had enough. I stopped accepting invitations and started rejecting offers. I never was in a position to feel good about offering HIM anything, so I didn’t have any ground to hold in that regard. I had nothing to offer and less left to give. Only when he needed help moving from one life mistake to another did I (foolishly?) lend a hand. It was the least I could do as a considerate brother. But, the tension remains. And, it seems to be hurting both of us, deeply. I don’t like how, every time he draws near, I get the impulse to criticize or snap at him. I feel like a wounded/abandoned dog that barks and bites anyone who gets too close…when I’m near him. We are both riddled with anxiety, depression, resentment, etc. Like you, we want to make a mend. He’s a sad puppy dog without his little brother, and I’m a sore rabbit still licking and sorting out my childhood wounds. There is no solution in sight.
My other siblings are not prize examples of good family, either. It seems we all are struggling to find contentment and getting by on rather solitary obsessions which are not exactly healthy. It does not bode well for our future as a family. And, honestly, it’s not entirely our fault…that is…if we can say our parents and relatives have equal blame for acting the way they have, instilling negative behavior in us, their “kids.” It makes you wonder if all there is to life isn’t some ensuing shockwave of circumstance. One bad relationship spawns countless others as the gene pool births generation after generation of failing egos, egos of quitters and immature people who cannot adequately process sound advice as well as unwanted criticism, people who struggle with bullies and smell like fear.
Not all of us seem meant to be tigers or lions. Ya know? Some just happen to be more like…prey. And, there are so many commercial voices thrown at our heads that try to convince us we are leaders of the pack or dominating forces in some pursuit of greatness as a species. But, it’s all commercial hype, and we need to filter that junk out of our heads so we don’t live in disappointment, fear and shame.
So, I have no other solid answer or advice for you. And, honestly, I am not sure you’d be receptive to what I have to offer. If you are, then what I’ve already said should help. The only reason I see you accepting advice from myself or Carolyn is because our voices are not the one giving you the most frustration, right now…even if we might talk like her, at times…just not with her “a-parent” tone. [‘See what I did there?]
I know, myself, I could be more pro-active in initiating activities with my siblings and putting up with their “quirks,” much the way I have begun to expect them to put up with mine (instead of pointing out every little thing they think is wrong in my lifestyle). Remember the Golden Rule. I just don’t have the willpower, right now, to take that action. I might feel it tomorrow, but it could evaporate just as quickly when I take that step and suddenly feel humiliated by something one of them says in public. It’s a sensitive time and space.
You can heave a small sigh of relief, though, for knowing I share your frustration and concern. As people like to tell me…you’re not alone.
And, if you need a group-therapy session (a group of two, I guess), my mailbox is open.
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