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I’ve been occasionally discussing and hearing about introverts and extroverts. And, upon hearing something about restaurant service, particularly how introverts seem bothered by waitstaff who ask questions too hastily/often, it hits me. It’s the waitstaff gambling with their customers.

The game is sorting the introverts from the extroverts. If they get it wrong, the tip should suffer. If they get it right, the customer will not only welcome the social interaction but be more willing to give a decent tip. But, the game only pays off with extroverts.

I get it, now. Yet, if it was me, do I want to take that chance? ‘Probably not. I’d like to think there has to be a better way to satisfy the curiosity and both types of customers…because, seriously, I’m with anyone who gets annoyed when the waiter/waitress asks how you’re meal is before you’ve had time to digest any of it. Ask me if I need more drink or anything before I have an empty glass or plate?…you’re crazy to me, and I won’t feel good about tipping.

–For those of you with short attention spans, class dismissed. You can go on your way. But, if you are open to deeper discussion about restaurant/customer service, continue.–

I’m not comfortable with the concept of tipping, regardless, because it feels forced/expected, rather than something to show gratitude for good service. I feel like I’m at gunpoint with a risk of leaving someone homeless if I don’t tip well. But, if you want a really good tip, I require or hope for a few things:

In short order: reliable friendship (even better if you can pass a welcome note), observant courtesy (not a forced act that fails to notice my status) and, when I have the appetite, something chocolate (but not just any chocolate).

1) Establish a friendship with me (so I’ll be happy to come back and/or see you, again, someday).

I know it’s not usually (if ever) recommended for/at a job, but I am too often starved for friendship. So, if you can be someone I can count on when I visit your workplace, I will be more inclined to offer a (good) tip or, maybe, something else that still benefits you (which might be better than money). Word of (my) mouth can work wonders. You might think friendship would remove the desire to tip someone, but that’s not guaranteed. I think, once I feel at ease and realize a tip would be a nice gesture, I’ll give one. A tip shouldn’t be a hoop I jump through. I should feel you deserve it.]

[I guess I need to feel comfortable and relaxed to ease the grip on my wallet. Don’t toy with that feeling or put on an act.]

It’s okay to be uneasy or nervous, but don’t infect me with your anxiety. If you feel unsure about something, it’s better to joke or admit it without using the word “sorry.” [Sorry will raise my eyebrow and put me on edge because now I worry something is wrong with the food or my money.] If you tell me you are nervous, I’ll be more considerate…and maybe ask why.

[If you’re in need of money, for any reason, I am not the sort who responds well. I don’t mean to sound stingy/cheap, but a beggar doesn’t bring out my generosity. When I see someone in need and know I can help, I will hopefully feel compelled (to help). If your toilet is clogged, and we’re friends, I’ll probably go buy a plunger if you don’t already have one. If you’re hungry and I know I can fetch you something, I will. That doesn’t mean I’ll be able to bring food every time to every person who happens to be hungry (unless I’m a waiter with access to that food).]

As your friend, if I notice you are in need of something, I’ll be more inclined to offer money/help. [Doesn’t that make simple sense? ‘Versus putting your hand out and saying, “Give me more/your money.”]

If we can’t be friends, so to speak, at least show good manners (which will be further discussed in my second request). But, understand, if we don’t “gel,” I’m not happy to tip you (if that’s what you’re seeking). As long as you don’t annoy me, I’ll still respect you, though. And, some days, that’s just as good as a tip, to me.

Friendly interaction does not mean we get into heavy conversation…because that means you either have too much free time (not enough customers and a chance the boss will take that out on you) or you’re not letting me eat on my own clock. If you want to talk–and, sometimes, I do, too–be smart and invite or offer a means of contact outside the restaurant.

**Hand me a phone number or email address with your first name, and you’re likely (not assuredly) golden. Personalized notes are usually a treat for me (occasionally creepy). [I like passing notes…though I never got the chance or nerve to do it in school. I can’t say I’ve had much good luck with passing notes, though…no…I cannot.]

It doesn’t mean I’ll respond to everyone who does this…but it’s better than heavy talk while I eat. Talk and eating do not get along. Not to mention, talking while eating means I eat/enjoy less food/drink and thus am less satisfied, in the end.

[A business card isn’t as nice as a hand-written note. And, if the card is offered prematurely or too casually, I won’t approve it (though I am an artist who may approve of a nicely crafted one). I’ll probably hold onto and dispose of it, later. First, you have to be sure I’m happy (not forced) to talk with you, which usually means I feel awkward for being too chatty while eating (and that’s actually a good thing). That’s your window to offer a means of contact.]

[If I am the waiter and talk too much, I can almost guess when a customer will turn against me. I’m already using too many words for this topic. I have to discipline myself…more than I actually do…because it’s too easy for me to slip, sometimes. And, that’s me not being a very social guy…a borderline introvert.]

[When my job is customer service, regardless what the business is, I make it my job to observe and learn from the customer, not enforce or expect based upon company policy. Good customer service is not dictated by one person who is not present in the moment; it’s not a standard you set or advertise. That sort of service is more like a souvenir or swag you come to buy than something that makes you comfortable and content. I enjoy customer service when I can read a customer and satisfy them without being a doormat and, ideally, without wounding my employer/business. If I don’t feel up to being that observant and/or courteous, the least I can do is maintain a respectful distance and let the customer request something of me; be available (but still not a doormat). Any employer who makes me feel pressured to be their doormat can rot in bankruptcy, no matter what you pressure me to say in an interview.]

[In my experience, friendship is better than a tip. But, I have yet to work a job that made me feel dependent upon tips. And, when someone, rarely, offers me a tip, I feel a little uncomfortable. If someone offers me good food (food I like) or something like clothing I would wear, as a “tip,” I’m more inclined to be grateful (if not a little speechless). I once had a customer bring me bakery from his daughter’s shop, and, even though it wasn’t food I particularly liked, it made me feel like a friend. A bonus or extra money for something I charge a fee (ie. a commissioned piece of art I made) is appreciated. But, if I’m not the one charging the fee for my service, if I’m not my own employer, so to speak, I’m unsure how to respond to a tip.]

[However, if I see someone working with me get a tip (and I don’t get one, too), I’m certainly agitated…and that has happened to me. I recommend discreet tipping versus overt tipping unless you have good reason. I’ve had moments, myself, when I felt someone deserved a reward/tip and made a minor public scene to deliver my offering (while casting a leering eye at those who did not deserve the same).]

2) Read the room…or, table, I guess.

This is not required in addition to #1. If you can adequately read the room/table without becoming a friend, I’ll still be inclined to tip you for being so intelligent and courteous. [But, a reliable friend would be nice.]

Reading the room/table shows you are being a conscious and, ideally, courteous server (though assistant would be a better word). That’s what gets tips (when a tip is a bonus for exceptional service). Any other type of behavior is some company enforcing a routine; you might as well be a customary hand towel or mint on a pillow. I don’t tip mints on pillows.

I’d throw in reading me like a book as a good thing. I fantasize about women being able to exhibit this skill (just as I get a little enjoyment when I feel able to read a woman’s thoughts and say something before she can put it into similar words). But, if you read me too well…and I detect that…and you seem to be enjoying yourself more than you’re making me feel comfortable (being so obvious)…I’ll turn on you. And, you won’t get a good tip from me. It’s great if you can figure out what I want or like, but don’t make it look so easy or amusing. Remain modest and polite. Reading someone is enjoyable, but when it’s too easy, someone may get hurt.

A good job of reading someone is knowing when a person is visibly stuffed or satisfied…or not stuffed or not satisfied. There should be visible clues. And, if you don’t get that much, don’t bother asking until the customer has emptied their plate(s).

[If I am sweating at my table or see someone sweating at their table, that is not the cue to get more anything. That means someone is overheated and/or bloated. So, if you ask that person about a refill or add-on, you’re stupid. If you’re going to offer a sweating customer anything, ask if they need water and what temperature they’d prefer. Water helps with digestion. You can’t exactly alter the air conditioning of the place to accommodate every customer, but you can possibly help them become more comfortable with clean, safe water at the right temperature. Maybe a handfan would help some customers, too. But, that isn’t something I expect any restaurant to offer; I’ve never seen a restaurant do that.]

Another suggestion might be finding a different choice of words, something other than “How’s everybody doing?” “How’s everybody doing,” to me, sounds like “How soon will you be done, so we can replace you with someone else.” It makes me feel like I need to get moving. I’m not eating fast enough to please your boss.

You pass by the table…you see what’s eaten or not fully eaten…you make an assessment and then decide if you need to say something. If you want or need to know if someone needs something, ask, “Does anyone need anything?” If someone at one of your tables doesn’t make eye contact, you don’t need to address them. You don’t have to go any further by mentioning an item (unless you’re good at reading the customer and thus can tell they want more). Let the customer fill in the blanks. You already said “anything.”

[A good sign of a customer needing or wanting more of something is when they smile and/or lick their lips after either sampling or finishing something. If you can notice that much, there’s a chance the customer will respond well to asking if they want another/a refill. Better yet, if you can offer one “to go,” the customer will probably–at least, I would–feel better about not only leaving your workplace but coming back to it, another time.]

[For me, personally, a chocolate dessert is almost always a good move unless I’m already bloated and/or sweating from what I ate (and probably need a “doggy bag” to finish at home). So, if you see me coming and offer something chocolate (not the dark or white kind), you’re on the right track. If I have enough room for dessert, I will reach out to the staff before I pay the bill. I don’t need to be asked about dessert…but I also won’t mind if you can tell I’m, at least, still hungry. But, more often, I will go to get something solely as a dessert rather than tack on a dessert to a big meal. Being stuffed doesn’t make me more generous with tips, either. That feels more like someone is inflicting pain on my body for money. And, if I am not visibly happy about my dessert, if I don’t lick my lips and flex my eyebrows while smiling, we both made a mistake…but it doesn’t mean I will tip more while feeling regret.]

[Why does anyone ask before the customer is done with eating/drinking something? I blame “the game” and businesses driven by this odd pressure to engage customers without courtesy. Forced courtesy is not courtesy. Conscious attention to a customer’s needs and/or reactions is. Or, at least, be observant of the table’s status before you engage a customer. A half-finished item is not the time for a refill or add-on, no matter what anyone says. All-you-can-eat pressure helps no one, in the end. I’ve seen enough places file bankruptcy to verify my opinion.]

On the opposite end of the scale, if you wait on my table with either a cold or overly cheerful presence, I’ll be uncomfortable and wary. Overly cheerful staff, people who seem programmed to smile and make everything sound “super,” are an immediate red flag to me. I don’t tolerate phony well. And, I hate the “act.” I don’t like waitstaff doing it, and I don’t like places that enforce it. So, if you don’t get a good tip/response from me, it may not be your fault, alone. It’s just the (way of that) place. I’d rather you be unfriendly and lost in your own head…but that won’t make me want to tip you.

[Phew! That was a long one!]

3) That should do it. Just two rather roomy expectations. Though, the thing about chocolate desserts could be considered a separate third and a perk/gamble. [If the dessert, or any part of what I order, doesn’t satisfy me, you can forget about the tip (even if ordering too much or lacking food/drink is my own fault)…unless your personality is so stellar (in my opinion) that the food doesn’t matter.]

[I saw an interview with Daniel Dae Kim in which he said some part of Korea had buttons at restaurant tables to buzz for service, versus waving your hands in the air or waiting for someone to come to you on their own. I understand the minor introvert comfort in that button. But, being empathetic to the waitstaff, if I was one of them, I wouldn’t exactly want to hear/feel the “buzz,” especially if multiple tables did that. And, to be honest, I’d expect some fools at the wrong time of day to abuse that button, just for a laugh. It might help light which tables need something, but it could also put staff on edge. And, no one needs an edgy waiter or manager. But, maybe a button that just lights up something at each table would be enough for a waiter/manager to notice and investigate. Or, maybe have the accent lamp for each table change the color of its light when a NEED button is pressed.]