The > The's Quotes

“Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.”
― George Carlin

“Some people see things that are and ask, Why?
Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not?
Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.”
― George Carlin

“Meow” means “woof” in cat.”
― George Carlin

“If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?”
― George Carlin

“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
― George Carlin

“I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It's so fuckin' heroic.”
― George Carlin

“People say, 'I'm going to sleep now,' as if it were nothing. But it's really a bizarre activity. 'For the next several hours, while the sun is gone, I'm going to become unconscious, temporarily losing command over everything I know and understand. When the sun returns, I will resume my life.'

If you didn't know what sleep was, and you had only seen it in a science fiction movie, you would think it was weird and tell all your friends about the movie you'd seen.

They had these people, you know? And they would walk around all day and be OK? And then, once a day, usually after dark, they would lie down on these special platforms and become unconscious. They would stop functioning almost completely, except deep in their minds they would have adventures and experiences that were completely impossible in real life. As they lay there, completely vulnerable to their enemies, their only movements were to occasionally shift from one position to another; or, if one of the 'mind adventures' got too real, they would sit up and scream and be glad they weren't unconscious anymore. Then they would drink a lot of coffee.'

So, next time you see someone sleeping, make believe you're in a science fiction movie. And whisper, 'The creature is regenerating itself.”
― George Carlin, Brain Droppings

“May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.”
― George Carlin

“Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”
― George Carlin

“I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.”
― George Carlin

“The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, 'You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.”
― George Carlin

“Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.”
― George Carlin

“A good motto to live by: 'Always try not to get killed.”
― George Carlin

“Now, there's one thing you might have noticed I don't complain about: politicians. Everybody complains about politicians. Everybody says they suck. Well, where do people think these politicians come from? They don't fall out of the sky. They don't pass through a membrane from another reality. They come from American parents and American families, American homes, American schools, American churches, American businesses and American universities, and they are elected by American citizens. This is the best we can do folks. This is what we have to offer. It's what our system produces: Garbage in, garbage out. If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you're going to get selfish, ignorant leaders. Term limits ain't going to do any good; you're just going to end up with a brand new bunch of selfish, ignorant Americans. So, maybe, maybe, maybe, it's not the politicians who suck. Maybe something else sucks around here... like, the public. Yeah, the public sucks. There's a nice campaign slogan for somebody: 'The Public Sucks. F*ck Hope.”
― George Carlin

“When you're born into this world, you're given a ticket to the freak show. If you're born in America you get a front row seat.”
― George Carlin

“So I say, “Live and let live.” That’s my motto. “Live and let live.” And anyone who can’t go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfucker. It’s a simple philosophy, but it’s always worked in our family.”
― George Carlin

“Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.”
― George Carlin

“Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?”
― George Carlin

“If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff? ”
― George Carlin

“I think I am, therefore, I am... I think.”
― George Carlin

“It's important in life if you don't give a shit. It can help you a lot.”
― George Carlin

“It's never just a game when you're winning.”
― George Carlin

“People always tell me "Have a nice day." Well what if I don't want to? What if I want to have a crappy day?”
― George Carlin

“Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.”
― George Carlin

“I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?”
― George Carlin

“The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.”
― George Carlin

“Everyone smiles in the same language.”
― George Carlin

“One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.”
― George Carlin

“Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”
― George Carlin

“I have lots of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck. ”
― George Carlin