Professional Troublemaker Quotes

“When we go out of our way to people-please, it feels like a trauma response. It’s as if we are placing our value on being as agreeable as we can be in order to be loved or accepted. It is often self-betrayal. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be “nice,” but I don’t think that should be our goal. Granted, I’m not saying walk around with the intent of being an asshole. Nah. But being seen as cordial should not be the main motivator of our behavior. Instead, I think we should aspire to be kind. To be kind is to be generous, fair, honest, helpful, altruistic, gracious, tolerant, understanding, humble, giving, vulnerable, magnanimous, service-driven. To be nice is to smile a lot and be chatty with random strangers. Nice is talking about the weather. Kind is caring about whether someone has an umbrella in case it rains. People have niceness and kindness mixed up. Niceness might mean saying positive things. But kindness is doing positive things: being thoughtful and considerate, prioritizing people’s humanity over everything else.”
― Luvvie Ajayi Jones, Professional Troublemaker: The Fear-Fighter Manual

“When I wrote I’m Judging You, some people said: “You wrote a book admitting that you’re judging people?” And I said, “Yes, because I am.” We’re all actually judging each other. The problem is we’re judging each other on the things that make no sense: what we look like, who we love, the religion we practice, the color of our skin, the gender we say we are. Instead, we should be judging on other things: Are we showing up in the world in the best way possible? Are we being kind? Are we making sure that we’re holding ourselves accountable for other people too? When I say I’m judging you, I’m not judging you because of what you look like; I’m judging you by who you actually are.”
― Luvvie Ajayi Jones, Professional Troublemaker: The Fear-Fighter Manual

“In the meantime, I hope you shed the guilt of not being able to get everything done all the time. I hope you are gentle on yourself when you drop a ball. I hope you give yourself grace when you cannot handle everything facing you. Fire yourself from the expectation that you should be Superwoman or Thor.”
― Luvvie Ajayi Jones, Professional Troublemaker: The Fear-Fighter Manual

“But my mother knew her mother’s gratitude, because she heard it herself. This lifelong soldier had dropped the reins and allowed herself to be fully in the hands of someone else. It was a show of strength, in her moment of weakness, to surrender herself to someone she knew would not let her fall. If love is a verb, is there a greater show of love than to abdicate your very being to the person you raised well enough to hold you up? What is pride when we can have love shown to us instead? I hope that one day we are surrounded by people who we trust enough that we can let go of our control. I pray that I’ll have lived a life that’s so good, I’ll be blessed with people who are a reflection of it. And those people, if needed, can be entrusted with my very life. I aspire to live in a way that I attract that favor.”
― Luvvie Ajayi Jones, Professional Troublemaker: The Fear-Fighter Manual

“Imagine waking up in the morning and not feeling shame because your friend knows change looks like us not having the same time we used to have on the phone together, or it means we might have to schedule the next time we see each other. Imagine not being worried about who we are offending with the change that is required of us. It gives us wings. We can now do the best work of our lives. We can be the best people possible without constantly being afraid of what we’re leaving behind, who we’re leaving behind, or who’s feeling small as we’re trying to be big. When the changes that I need to make aren’t met with eye rolls of inconvenience but are met with affirmations of understanding, I have the room to stretch as I need.”
― Luvvie Ajayi Jones, Professional Troublemaker: The Fear-Fighter Manual

“What people see as you changing is really you doing what is necessary to meet your goals. It is you doing what is needed to honor your own boundaries. It is actually you trying to ensure that you aren’t placing everyone’s needs over your own like you used to.”
― Luvvie Ajayi Jones, Professional Troublemaker: The Fear-Fighter Manual

“As we are going through life, and people who know one version of us see us grow, we might hear them say, “You’ve changed.” Sometimes, it will hurt our feelings to hear, because that’s the intention behind the statement. They’re saying that we are no longer the old us and that they don’t recognize who we are. But what they’re really saying is THEY haven’t changed. They might be thinking we aren’t on the same level as them anymore and are projecting that onto us. And yeah, it’s really easy to be offended by it. We might be tempted to make somebody else feel better and say, “No, I haven’t changed. I’m still the same person.” We are wrong. We did change. We tried something new. We got new results. We changed our worlds. Maybe we’re not on the same level anymore, and that’s okay. It doesn’t mean I’m better than you. It only means I’m different. Not changing is a detriment. What if we are supposed to spur positive change in everyone else? What if we are supposed to push everyone else out of their box? Instead of taking affront to the notion that we’ve changed, we should simply say, “Thank you for noticing. I’ve been working hard at being better.” Because to change is to adapt to challenges we’ve faced. It means we are adjusting to what life has thrown us and doing things differently. If the change they see is us being more cruel, hateful, and thoughtless, then maybe we can say, “Hmmm . . . I should adjust.” Otherwise, NAH.”
― Luvvie Ajayi Jones, Professional Troublemaker: The Fear-Fighter Manual

“Growing wildly is sometimes not a choice but a need, because life will give you no other slot. In these moments, we have to know change is as much a part of life as breathing is.”
― Luvvie Ajayi Jones, Professional Troublemaker: The Fear-Fighter Manual

“There’s me getting married and realizing that I have to be less selfish and less me-me-me, and that I also have to work through my own trauma to make sure I’m not passing it on and projecting it onto my partner. Each one of these cataclysmic moments was deeply uncomfortable, agonizing, with tears (snot bubbles included), and shrouded by struggle. They had me doubting everything I knew to be true. I could feel my emotional bones stretching, and the growing pains felt physical at times. But each one of these incidents also led me to becoming the person that I am now. Even if I didn’t understand it in the moment, change always leads me to something greater. My life is a testimony to the instances when I’ve been forced to change, and the lessons that I’ve learned have always been greater than anything I could have imagined. And those lessons were stairs to the person I am now, and who I am now is another step to the person I’m going to be.”
― Luvvie Ajayi Jones, Professional Troublemaker: The Fear-Fighter Manual

“I’ve found weddings are the event of the world where people will most test your boundaries. If you are not used to drawing lines, you might not be ready to have a wedding. Consider going to a courthouse and calling it a day, because people will TRY YOU during weddings. I don’t know what it is about folks and that day. All types of randoms allasudden feel entitled to everything in your life. From the folks asking if they’re invited (if you have to ask, odds are the answer is a swift NOPE) to the kinfolk who wanna bring plus-four. You got plus-four money? WHO IS PAYING FOR ALL THEM PLATES?!? (Low-key, I know if my grandmother were alive when I got married, she’d have wanted to bring a whole posse of the village plus ten. And I’d have given it to her. I thought about her on my wedding day. She would have had an amazing time. She would have had her own entrance moment, like her church one. She would have worn ALL GOLD EVERYTHING with matching shoes and bag and dripping in at least five gold chains. She would have loved the man I married.)”
― Luvvie Ajayi Jones, Professional Troublemaker: The Fear-Fighter Manual

“We’re so afraid of charging what we’re really worth because we fear that people will walk away. I say good riddance to bad rubbish. People who want to pay us pickle juice for champagne work have to get used to hearing no. Don’t come to undergrad with elementary expectations. Don’t come to this rice party with a kale dish. I’ve bent over backward for the opportunity to work with some companies before. I’ve charged what I knew was less than my value just to “build relationships,” and in the end all I felt was cheated. And THAT is the greatest suck of all. When you realize that you were taken advantage of and you let it happen, that’s also when you decide you don’t want it to happen again.”
― Luvvie Ajayi Jones, Professional Troublemaker: The Fear-Fighter Manual

“It’s a great lesson in knowing your worth, standing in it, and demanding it, even in the face of people telling you you’re supposed to accept less. She knew her value. DO. NOT. ACCEPT. PICKLE. JUICE. Because again, people will do and give us the minimum that we accept. We’d love to think they will be virtuous, but people are selfish.”
― Luvvie Ajayi Jones, Professional Troublemaker: The Fear-Fighter Manual

“Say the number with an exclamation point, not a question mark, and shut up. What I mean by exclamation point is when you are asked what you want, say, “I’d like $50,000!” Don’t say, “Umm . . . I’d like $50,000???” ending with your voice becoming high-pitched so it sounds like you’re asking a question. If you’re asking the question and not telling, it sounds like you’re not sure you’re worth the money, so why should they be sure? Say your number with confidence and then say nothing else. Sit there and wait for their response. It is not your time to say more because it will look like you’re overexplaining. Before the number comes up, you’ve already talked about the value you bring, so now is the time for you to kick the ball into their court and wait for them to pick it up.”
― Luvvie Ajayi Jones, Professional Troublemaker: The Fear-Fighter Manual

“And before you say, “Why don’t people just pay us everything they have? Isn’t that what’s fair?” Eh. If only business was about fairness. It’s not. You have to play the part of the game where you tell them, “This isn’t enough. I want more.” And then they come back with, “FINE, we found more.” I was never given permission or told to ask for more at a job. I found out somewhere along the way.”
― Luvvie Ajayi Jones, Professional Troublemaker: The Fear-Fighter Manual

“When we don’t ask, or we don’t receive well, we might be blocking our blessings. This goes beyond the times we need help. When we do not know how to ask for what we need or ask for more, we end up receiving less than we should. The truth is, people will give you the absolute minimum if you let them. Sometimes we aren’t even “letting” them. We are afraid of being TOO difficult or demanding (hey, chapter two), so we accept the first thing they offer us.”
― Luvvie Ajayi Jones, Professional Troublemaker: The Fear-Fighter Manual

“We gotta check our motives when all we do is give without knowing how to receive. How can we allow people to fully show us love if we don’t allow them to be generous to us? We love the feeling that we get when we’re like, “Hey, I just did this thing for somebody.” So then why don’t we allow others to get the same feeling when they give something to us, whether it’s a compliment, a gift, or their time?”
― Luvvie Ajayi Jones, Professional Troublemaker: The Fear-Fighter Manual

“I think of my grandmother, whose prayers I know cover me every single day. Those three-hour middle-of-the-night prayers gotta be responsible for some of my success, because I’ve made it here in spite of and because of myself.”
― Luvvie Ajayi Jones, Professional Troublemaker: The Fear-Fighter Manual

“Another lesson for me? The judge will be judged. I often challenge people to do better. This also means I will be challenged to do the same.”
― Luvvie Ajayi Jones, Professional Troublemaker: The Fear-Fighter Manual

“We are flawed people whose jobs make us seem grander than we are. I know I can be trash and have garbage ways. I am not infallible or smarter than someone just because I have the platform. Nah. I got kicked off my pedestal and I hope people didn’t put me back on it, because I don’t deserve it. Leave me down here, because I can’t live up to the standards folks often ascribe to personalities they follow. I will disappoint you. I will let you down. I will fuck up. But I will hopefully never stop learning how to show up in the best way I know how. I will not stop growing. I will not stop holding myself accountable to who I say I am.”
― Luvvie Ajayi Jones, Professional Troublemaker: The Fear-Fighter Manual

“I began to realize the girl from then was necessary because she became the woman from now. And I had to thank her for the work she did and the person she was, because she led me here. Then I had to thank the me now, in her thirties, who is more aware of herself, the strength of her voice, and the world. I couldn’t be me without her, so my shame was not needed. I needed to give myself grace and forgive myself for my mistakes.”
― Luvvie Ajayi Jones, Professional Troublemaker: The Fear-Fighter Manual

“The greater version of ourselves is the version that is willing to be courageous in the very tough moments. Because those are typically when we need to be most courageous. When it’s that scary, when you want to go hide under a blanket, when somebody is telling you that you should be more quiet, do not be more quiet. If you’re compelled to do or say this thing, then you’re probably supposed to do or say it.”
― Luvvie Ajayi Jones, Professional Troublemaker: The Fear-Fighter Manual

“My disappointment in myself is a much greater consequence to me than other people’s disappointment in me.”
― Luvvie Ajayi Jones, Professional Troublemaker: The Fear-Fighter Manual

“There is certainly risk to speaking up. However, I would rather risk that than risk regretting my inaction or my silence. I think a lot about the poet Audre Lorde asking, “What are the words you do not yet have? What do you need to say? What are the tyrannies you swallow day by day and attempt to make your own, until you will sicken and die of them, still in silence?”
― Luvvie Ajayi Jones, Professional Troublemaker: The Fear-Fighter Manual

“it is important to continue to dream, even in the midst of disappointment, because it opens up our minds and lets us see things bigger.”
― Luvvie Ajayi Jones, Professional Troublemaker: The Fear-Fighter Manual

“Here’s the thing. Life can absolutely be a filth bucket, even for people who TRY and STRIVE and DREAM. The difference is that those people can go to sleep at night and wake up in the morning knowing that they at least tried. They can take some small solace that they did what they could. Life’s shenanigans can be off-the-chart levels for them. But they blame life, not themselves.”
― Luvvie Ajayi Jones, Professional Troublemaker: The Fear-Fighter Manual

“And there isn’t anything wrong with you. I am encouraging you to examine the times you have downplayed yourself for the comfort of others. I want you to reflect on the times you have been made to feel like you do not belong or you do not measure up or your presence is somehow a nuisance because you are a highlighter in a sea of pencils.”
― Luvvie Ajayi Jones, Professional Troublemaker: The Fear-Fighter Manual

“Those of you who have to go to work and talk to your coworkers in compliment sandwiches so they don’t feel like you’re being too aggressive. Those of you who learned to bite your tongue even when you wanted to tell that douchebag in the cubicle next to you to go straight to hell. Shout-out to the ones who know their boss is incompetent, yet manage to get work done in spite of them. You have to do your job and theirs, AND perform the politics. I see you. I salute you. I pay my respects to you.”
― Luvvie Ajayi Jones, Professional Troublemaker: The Fear-Fighter Manual

“Many a kinfolk have created inferiority complexes in people they love with their declarations that we’re TOO something. And instead of rejecting their callousness and letting their lack of chill slide off our backs, we take it to heart, blamelessly. Because the people with the ability to hurt us the most are those we love the most.”
― Luvvie Ajayi Jones, Professional Troublemaker: The Fear-Fighter Manual

“What we can control is our own image of ourselves, and how surely we are worth loving, defending, and redeeming. In all of our messed-up, scared glory.”
― Luvvie Ajayi Jones, Professional Troublemaker: The Fear-Fighter Manual

“When it is my time to leave this earth, I want people to say, “The world was better because she was here.”
― Luvvie Ajayi Jones, Professional Troublemaker: The Fear-Fighter Manual