Debrief Techniques That Encourage Honesty

"𝐎𝐧𝐜𝐞 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐜𝐡 𝐚 𝐜𝐞𝐫𝐭𝐚𝐢𝐧 𝐥𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐥, 𝐩𝐞𝐨𝐩𝐥𝐞 𝐰𝐢𝐥𝐥 𝐬𝐭𝐨𝐩 𝐭𝐞𝐥𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐭𝐫𝐮𝐭𝐡." When my friend and mentor Brian Boland first said this to me years ago, I didn't understand what he meant. At the time, I was still an IC, early in my career, and people gave me plenty of feedback. But years later, after a few promotions, his words came back to me. As you become more senior, fewer people will tell you the truth. Some worry about how you'll take it. Others don't know how to give feedback because they've never done your job. And some are afraid that being too honest could have consequences. Years ago, I watched a senior leader ask for feedback after a big event. When someone gave her a constructive comment, she looked mortified. That person never gave her feedback again. That moment taught me two very important lessons: One, if you want feedback, you need to make it safe for people to tell you the truth. Two, don’t ask for feedback if you aren’t ready to hear it. When I became CEO at Ancestry, I understood I needed to create a safe environment for the exchange of feedback. And I needed to adjust my approach to feedback when the role was something I hadn’t performed myself. So, I started asking, "What's one thing I could have done differently?" after every talk or interview. It allowed colleagues to feel safe in telling me the truth. Instead of a risk, it felt like an invitation to connection. I also created "magic wand dinners" where everyone shared one thing they would change if they could. We fixed bugs and surfaced ideas that turned into successful products. And for colleagues performing roles I had no experience in (like our incredible General Counsel), I focused on helping them develop as leaders, since I could not offer feedback on specific aspects of the job. I watched our GC thrive and become an integral voice on our executive team, not because I knew how to help him be better at law (I couldn’t), but because I supported him in his overall development. The truth is, if people have stopped telling you the truth, it’s not because you’ve reached a point in your career you no longer need it. Rather, it is either that afraid to afraid to tell you, or you aren’t receptive to hearing it. If you want genuinely helpful feedback, here is what I suggest: 𝐀𝐬𝐤 𝐬𝐩𝐞𝐜𝐢𝐟𝐢𝐜 𝐪𝐮𝐞𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬: "What's one thing I could do differently to be more effective?" 𝐒𝐡𝐨𝐰 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐡𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐝 𝐢𝐭: Let people see you put it into action. 𝐂𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐭𝐞 𝐬𝐚𝐟𝐞𝐭𝐲: Remember, feedback only works when trust exists. Without trust, honesty sounds like judgment. With trust, it sounds like care. 𝐌𝐨𝐬𝐭 𝐢𝐦𝐩𝐨𝐫𝐭𝐚𝐧𝐭𝐥𝐲: only ask for feedback if you're willing to use it to grow. Feedback is one of the greatest gifts in our careers. But it only works if we make it safe to give and possible to hear. The higher you rise, the more you need to seek out the voices that make you better.

"I only tell my boss the risks when I’m 100% sure, otherwise I’d rather keep quiet” - a manager recently told me during a workshop: Other managers started nodding - highly relatable. This is what psychology calls the MUM effect - Minimizing Unpleasant Messages coined by Rosen & Tesser (1970). It’s the deeply human tendency to avoid delivering bad news or to soften it until the truth is barely visible. - We do it to protect ourselves from blame. - We do it to protect others from discomfort. - And in the moment, silence feels safer than honesty. But here’s the cost: - Leaders make decisions without critical information. - Teams repeat the same mistakes. - Opportunities get lost. But here’s the paradox: what feels safe for the individual is unsafe for the team. Neuroscience explains why: when we prepare to share uncomfortable truths, the amygdala - the brain’s threat detection system - activates. It interprets honesty as danger: the risk of rejection, conflict, or loss of status. So silence feels like self-protection. How can leaders mitigate this effect? 👉 1. Redefine what “good” means in your team Say explicitly: “Being good here means raising risks early, even if you’re not 100% sure.” 👉 2. Reward the messenger, not just the message Thank people for speaking up, regardless of whether the risk turns out real. This rewires the brain to see honesty as safe. 👉 3. Ask better questions Replace “Any questions?” with “What’s the toughest risk we might be overlooking?” or “What would you challenge if you were in my seat?” ✨ This is exactly what I work on with leadership teams in my Safe Challenger program and workshops, helping leaders unlearn compliance-based leadership and build cultures of courage. Because the biggest risk in teams isn’t mistakes. It’s silence. P.S.: What’s do you think is harder: speaking up with uncomfortable truths or hearing them?

Too many teams leave their best ideas in the hallway after the meeting. You’ve been there. So have I. The meeting ends, and suddenly two people peel off, finally saying what they really think because the room didn’t feel safe enough, or small enough, or structured enough to surface the real conversation. This is where one of our most effective and underutilized High Return Practices comes in, what we call the Power of Three. Here’s how it works: Next time you're in a group meeting, whether it’s 5 people or 50, pause before opening the floor to broad discussion. Instead, break the group into trios for 5–8 minutes. Give each group one key issue or prompt to wrestle with. The purpose of this is to create psychological safety in small pods, so that truth has a better shot at surfacing. Why it works: In smaller groups, people self-edit less and speak more honestly. The act of writing down insights reinforces accountability and commitment. When trios share back to the whole team, they’re less likely to dilute or dodge hard truths because their pod is counting on them to carry the message. Here’s your quick-start guide: Step 1: Choose one key issue that requires input or debate. Step 2: Break the full group into triads (in person or virtually). Step 3: Give 5–8 minutes for open discussion. Prompt candor. Step 4: Ask each group to share one key insight or unresolved tension. Step 5: Capture it in a shared doc so the truth isn’t lost. In Never Lead Alone, we call these HRPs, High Return Practices. Not because they sound smart, but because they help teams operate smarter, faster, and with more courage. Try it this week. One agenda item. Three people. Eight minutes. It could be the difference between alignment and assumption.

Ever been in a meeting where the leader asks, “Any questions?” … and silence fills the room? 🤔❓ It’s NOT always because people understand everything. Sometimes, this happens because, despite the leader's best intentions, the question itself doesn’t necessarily invite genuine participation or open & honest discussion. To me, this highlights the point that feeling psychologically safe isn’t just about being willing to speak up – it’s also about feeling comfortable enough to do so in different contexts and environments. I believe that the way we 'frame' our questions can play a huge role in that. To share a few examples... “Do you agree with this plan?” ➡️ Can imply that the ‘right’ answer is "yes". “What concerns or gaps do you see?” ✅ Makes it feel safer to offer a different view. “Is this clear?” ➡️ Might result in people feeling reluctant to admit if it’s not. “What’s one thing we should clarify before wrapping up?” ✅ Encourages participation. “Is everyone comfortable with this decision?” ➡️ Hmmm... Does anyone really want to be the lone dissenter? “What would make this decision stronger?” ✅ Encourages constructive challenges. Don't get me wrong - I think all types of questions have their place and can be effective. But in my experience, there's real value in considering which questions are more likely to elicit REAL answers by encouraging people to think, share, and challenge ideas openly. What’s a question you’ve heard (or asked) that didn’t quite get the input you were hoping for? 🤔 🔧 P.S. In the Psychological Safety literature, this often falls under the categories of "inviting participation" or building "contributor safety". If you want to help leaders strengthen these micro-skills, let's chat! 🚀 #PsychologicalSafety #LeadershipDevelopment #LeadershipSkills #WorkplaceCulture #HighPerformingTeams

As a therapist, people literally paid me to make them uncomfortable. That might sound backwards, but any good therapist creates a safe space for people to process the most uncomfortable things—shame, fear, failure, grief. We earn that permission by proving we're trustworthy enough to handle it. The same dynamic powers high-performing teams. Most teams confuse psychological safety with comfort. They think it means avoiding hard conversations or softening feedback. (Spoiler Alert: that's just conflict avoidance wearing a name tag.) Real psychological safety means people can challenge ideas, admit mistakes, and disagree openly—without fear of humiliation or retaliation. It's not about protecting feelings. It's about protecting truth-telling. 𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐫𝐞𝐬𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐜𝐡 𝐢𝐬 𝐜𝐥𝐞𝐚𝐫: Google's Project Aristotle found psychological safety was the #1 predictor of high-performing teams. Not talent. Not resources. Not the number of whiteboards in the conference room. 𝐇𝐞𝐫𝐞'𝐬 𝐡𝐨𝐰 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐛𝐞𝐬𝐭 𝐥𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫𝐬 𝐛𝐮𝐢𝐥𝐝 𝐢𝐭: 1. 𝐂𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐭𝐞 𝐞𝐱𝐩𝐥𝐢𝐜𝐢𝐭 𝐩𝐞𝐫𝐦𝐢𝐬𝐬𝐢𝐨𝐧 𝐬𝐭𝐫𝐮𝐜𝐭𝐮𝐫𝐞𝐬. Start meetings with "What are we missing?" or "Who disagrees?" Don't just tolerate dissent—make it part of the culture. 2. 𝐑𝐞𝐬𝐩𝐨𝐧𝐝 𝐭𝐨 𝐦𝐢𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐤𝐞𝐬 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐜𝐮𝐫𝐢𝐨𝐬𝐢𝐭𝐲, 𝐧𝐨𝐭 𝐛𝐥𝐚𝐦𝐞. When something goes wrong, ask "What can we learn?" before "Who's responsible?" Your response to failure teaches people whether honesty is safe. 3. 𝐌𝐨𝐝𝐞𝐥 𝐯𝐮𝐥𝐧𝐞𝐫𝐚𝐛𝐢𝐥𝐢𝐭𝐲 𝐟𝐢𝐫𝐬𝐭. Share your own uncertainties and mistakes before asking others to. Leaders who admit "I don't know" or "I screwed this up" give everyone else permission to be human too. 4. 𝐒𝐞𝐩𝐚𝐫𝐚𝐭𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐢𝐝𝐞𝐚 𝐟𝐫𝐨𝐦 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐩𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐨𝐧. Challenge thinking aggressively while respecting people completely. "I have concerns about that direction" opens dialogue. "That's a stupid idea" opens LinkedIn job searches. 5. 𝐑𝐞𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐝 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐛𝐞𝐡𝐚𝐯𝐢𝐨𝐫 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐰𝐚𝐧𝐭 𝐭𝐨 𝐬𝐞𝐞. When someone speaks up with bad news, thank them publicly. When someone admits a mistake early, celebrate the integrity. What gets recognized gets repeated. (I need to remember this with my kids) The uncomfortable truth? Building psychological safety requires more courage than avoiding it. It means having harder conversations earlier. It means tolerating short-term discomfort for long-term trust. It means being the kind of leader people can be honest with—even when that honesty stings. That's not "being nice." That's being effective. Q: What's one way you've seen psychological safety (or the lack of it) impact team performance? #psychologicalSafety #leadership #workplaceculture 💡 Emotional Intelligence (EQ) is the most overhyped, underutilized, and misused skill. I partner with leaders and teams to do the deeper work that elevates their EQ to create psychological safety and agency. Because every day we’re peopling—and we can people better.

Most teams don’t get better because they don’t take time to debrief. Last year, I had the honor of doing a bunch of leadership development work alongside my dear friend and amigo, Michael French. He’s a multi-time founder with successful exits, a fantastic family, and a heart of gold. One of the most powerful tools we taught together (really he, Michael O'Brien, and Admiral Mike McCabe taught, and I amplified in my sessions) was the concept of a Topgun-style debrief — and then we practiced it ourselves after every single session as a group. It’s a simple but transformative ritual. After every experience, we’d ask each other: What went well? What could have gone better? And what actions will we take to be even better next time? That’s it. Just three questions. But when asked in a space of trust, it opens the door to continuous improvement, honest reflection, and shared learning. The coolest part? Michael started doing it at home with his son — and now his son comes home from school excited to debrief the day with his dad. That’s when you know the tool is working. The origins of this approach go back to the Navy Fighter Weapons School — better known as Topgun. In the 1960s, Navy pilots were underperforming in air combat. So they changed the way they trained. But more importantly, they changed the way they debriefed. They created a culture of constructive, positive, inclusive performance reviews — grounded in trust, openness, and the pursuit of excellence. Led to a 400% improvement in pilot effectiveness. The philosophy was clear: the debrief is not about blame or fault-finding. It’s not about who “won” the debrief. It’s about learning. It’s about getting better — together. The tone is collaborative, supportive, and often informal. The goal is to build a culture of reflection where people feel safe enough to speak, to listen, and to grow. Most organizations only do debriefs when something goes wrong. But if we wait for failure to reflect, we miss all the micro-moments that help us move from good to great. Excellence isn’t a destination. It’s a mindset. It’s the discipline of always being open to improvement — even when things are going well. Especially when things are going well. So here’s my nudge to you: give this a try. Whether it’s with your team, your family, your partner, or just yourself at the end of the day — ask those three simple questions. What went well? What could have gone better? And what actions can we take to be even better next time? Let me know if you do. I’d love to hear how it goes.

If honesty feels risky, silence becomes survival. That’s not safety. That’s a signal. ⤷ People overthink simple replies ⤷ Honest feedback stays in drafts ⤷ Small issues turn into silent exits ⤷ Meetings end with “fake” alignment ⤷ Team members agree just to exit the call ⤷ Everyone says “yes” but means “not really” ⤷ People don’t ask questions, they play it safe ⤷ Small problems grow because no one speaks up In quiet cultures, performance looks fine. But under the surface? ≫ There’s fear. ≫ There’s distance. ≫ There’s guessing. Psychological safety isn’t a buzzword. It’s what allows real work to happen. Here’s what actually helps: ➤ Thank people for the truth, even when it’s hard ➤ Ask, “What do you need from me right now?” ➤ Ask for honesty and listen without defense ➤ Fix what’s raised, not just “who” raised it ➤ Act on what’s said, don’t just collect it ➤ Give calm feedback, not loud fixes ➤ Make it safe to say, “I don’t agree” ➤ Protect people who speak up People stop trying when honesty costs them too much. The fix isn’t a new tool. It’s safer conversations. And your team’s future depends on them. P.S. When was the last time someone gave you the truth and it helped? 👑 Follow me if you’re building teams where real talk feels safe. ♻️ Share this with someone who listens to understand, not to react.

When the team is working in extreme conditions (cold, heat, fatigue), and we ask how they are doing, we only get one answer - "Good to go!" This is rarely a helpful answer. I heard a debrief once about a team in the southern US who were at a hostage call for something like 16 hours in blistering heat. Every time the commander checked in with them, he got the same answer. "We're good!". After 16 hours, they called in a replacement team. They had to literally peel guys out of their positions. One guy went to the hospital from heat stroke, and other guys took hours to recover on IVs. They were nowhere near "good to go", and would not have been able to mount an effective rescue in that condition. At yesterday's SWAT Commander Course, we were discussing how leaders need to recognize the "we're good" answer as A STATEMENT ABOUT THE TEAM'S ATTITUDE, and not necessarily an accurate self-assessment of abilities. Some things we do to address this on our team: 1. We look at communicating limitations as a way to provide the commander of information they need to make decisions. If the environmental conditions are eroding capabilities, then the commander needs to know that so they can decide the pace of interventions. Saying something like, "we're good for another two hours, and then we will have to rotate guys off to warm up, but that will deplete our containment and increase the chance of the suspect escaping" provides a ton of useful information to the commander. 2. We have a culture where asking for help is encouraged. This goes to the core of humility. Someone who doesn't want to ask for help will have difficulty operating in tough situations that you just can't do by yourself. I find people who are willing to admit their limitations are more coachable and, as a result, will achieve much higher performance over the long term than the guy who doesn't want to admit where he has limitations. 3. We watch for "escalation of commitment", which can take you past the point of no return. For example, if getting a relief team takes 3 hours to get on scene, then you need to ask for help 3 hours before you actually need it. But how many times do we think "nah, this will be over in 3 hours." And then say that again in 3 hours time, and again in 3 hours time. Now you've blown way past your turn over time and you still have to wait 3 hours from the time you make the call. All because you didn't want to risk calling for help and then having to cancel the request. Great class with the National Tactical Officers Association. Looking forward to Hostage Rescue discussions on Thursday.

If your team isn’t telling you the truth, your business is already in trouble. Alan Mulally saw this at Ford. The company was losing billions, yet every leader reported “all green.” Why? Because under the old CEO, red meant you were out of a job. Mulally changed the culture. He praised candor, not perfection. Red became a chance to rally support—not assign blame. That shift unlocked the truth and helped save Ford. Great leaders don’t demand good news. They create safety so their teams can tell them the truth. Here’s how: 1️⃣ Create safety for honesty. 2️⃣ Keep reporting binary: on track/off track. 3️⃣ Reward the truth, even when it stings. 4️⃣ Rally the team to solve problems together. 5️⃣ Set ambitious goals—some red means you’re pushing hard enough.

Your team is lying to you. And you taught them how. You've just lost one of your biggest clients. Your team already knew, but they chose not to tell you. You can't even blame them. You're the one who taught them. Here's how leaders accidentally train their teams to lie: 1️⃣ You Shoot the Messenger ↳ Someone brings you a problem ↳ You immediately ask: "How did this happen?" 👉 Lesson learned: "Bad news gets me interrogated." 🛠️ Try this: "Thank you for flagging this early. What do you need?" ❓ What message are you sending when people bring you transparency? 2️⃣ You Defend Your Ideas Too Hard ↳ You pitch a strategy in a meeting ↳ Someone raises a concern ↳ You counter every single point 👉 Lesson learned: "Disagreement isn't worth the fight." 🛠️ Try this: Pause for 3 seconds. Then: "That's worth exploring. What am I missing?" ❓ What does it cost someone on your team to challenge your ideas? 3️⃣ You Ask for Feedback You Won't Use ↳ You ask: "Any concerns with this approach?" ↳ Someone starts speaking ↳ You cut them off: "We're committed to this direction." 👉 Lesson learned: "My input only matters if I agree." 🛠️ Try this: Don't ask if you won't listen. If you're committed, say so upfront. ❓ What happens when the input you receive doesn't align with your decision? 4️⃣ You Penalize Uncertainty ↳ A team member says: "I'm not sure. I need more time to analyze." ↳ You respond: "Come back when you have an answer." 👉 Lesson learned: "Confidence matters more than accuracy." 🛠️ Try this: "I appreciate the honesty. What would help you get clarity?" ❓ How do you respond when someone admits they don't have all the answers? 5️⃣ You Remember the Person Who Brought Bad News ↳ Someone flags a risk that becomes a real problem ↳ Months later, you still connect them to that failure 👉 Lesson learned: "Stay quiet. Don't surface problems." 🛠️ Try this: Track who surfaces risks early. They're your most valuable people. ❓ What reputation do truth-tellers build on your team over time? Your team has information you need to succeed. But they'll only share it if your reactions have trained them it's safe. Every response is training. Make sure you're teaching the right lesson. ♻️ Repost this to help leaders build truth-telling teams. 🔔 Follow Dror Allouche for more practical leadership insights. 📩 Accelerate Your C-Suite Path? Join My Newsletter: https://lnkd.in/eAQnNsWB