Balancing Assertiveness and Respect

I was shadowing a coaching client in her leadership meeting when I watched this brilliant woman apologize six times in 30 minutes. 1. “Sorry, this might be off-topic, but..." 2. “I'm could be wrong, but what if we..." 3. “Sorry again, I know we're running short on time..." 4. “I don't want to step on anyone's toes, but..." 5. “This is just my opinion, but..." 6. “Sorry if I'm being too pushy..." Her ideas? They were game-changing. Every single one. Here's what I've learned after decades of coaching women leaders: Women are masterful at reading the room and keeping everyone comfortable. It's a superpower. But when we consistently prioritize others' comfort over our own voice, we rob ourselves, and our teams, of our full contribution. The alternative isn't to become aggressive or dismissive. It's to practice “gracious assertion": • Replace "Sorry to interrupt" with "I'd like to add to that" • Replace "This might be stupid, but..." with "Here's another perspective" • Replace "I hope this makes sense" with "Let me know what questions you have" • Replace "I don't want to step on toes" with "I have a different approach" • Replace "This is just my opinion" with "Based on my experience" • Replace "Sorry if I'm being pushy" with "I feel strongly about this because" But how do you know if you're hitting the right note? Ask yourself these three questions: • Am I stating my needs clearly while respecting others' perspectives? (Assertive) • Am I dismissing others' input or bulldozing through objections? (Aggressive) • Am I hinting at what I want instead of directly asking for it? (Passive-aggressive) You can be considerate AND confident. You can make space for others AND take up space yourself. Your comfort matters too. Your voice matters too. Your ideas matter too. And most importantly, YOU matter. @she.shines.inc #Womenleaders #Confidence #selfadvocacy

🗣️“You must be more assertive.” Last year, those five words burned into Amy’s memory. She’d walked out of her 2023 review at XYZ Global determined to “step up.” Speak more in meetings. Push harder on decisions. Stop softening her tone so she wouldn’t intimidate anyone. She did exactly that. Fast forward 12 months. Same conference room. Same 2 VPs across the table. 🔇“You’ve become too intense, need to work on softening your approach.” 😑 Amy stared at them, speechless. Wasn’t that what you asked for last year? Which version of me do you actually want? She thought about the past year: 🤔 The time she challenged a flawed budget forecast in front of the CFO, saving the company $3 million, but earning whispers that she was “abrasive.” 🤔 The time she stepped in to rescue a failing project, praised for her “grit” publicly, yet privately told she “dominated the room.” 🤔 The time she finally got invited to an executive offsite, only to overhear a VP say, “She’s great, but can be… a lot.” This is the tightrope trap senior women walk daily: • Be assertive, but not too assertive. • Be collaborative, but don’t fade into the background. • Be visible, but not “hungry.”    The same behavior praised in men (decisive, strong leader) gets women penalized as abrasive or too much. Until you set the narrative yourself, you’re trapped performing for a moving target. If you’re exhausted from balancing on a wire men don’t even see, here’s how to step off it and still rise. 1. Audit the pattern, not just the feedback • Track every piece of feedback, especially contradiction. Patterns reveal bias. If the goal keeps moving, it's not you! • Phrase to use in review: “Last year I was encouraged to increase my presence; this year I’m told to soften it. Can we clarify what success really looks like?”    2. Control the frame before the room does • Pre‑set the narrative in 1:1s and emails leading up to reviews. I.e., “This year I focused on driving results while bringing the team with me, you’ll see that reflected in project X and Y.” • This primes leadership to view your assertiveness as an intentional strategy, not a personality flaw.    3. Build echo chambers, not just results • Secure 2–3 allies who reinforce your strengths in rooms you’re not in. • Promotions happen in the absence, you need people echoing your narrative, not someone else’s. • Phrase to brief an ally: “If my leadership style comes up in review, can you speak to how I challenge decisions but still align the team?”    Women aren’t just asked to deliver results. They’re asked to perform, decode, and reframe, all while walking a wire men don’t even see. If you’re exhausted from balancing between “too soft” and “too aggressive,” stop walking the wire and start controlling the narrative. Join the waitlist of our next cohort of ⭐ From Hidden Talent to Visible Leaders ⭐ https://lnkd.in/gx7CpGGR 👊 Because leadership shouldn’t feel like an impossible balancing act.

Being told you’re “easy to work with” is the worst compliment you could receive. Here’s why: Nine times out of ten, that “compliment” isn’t about your skills or leadership potential. It’s about your ability to shrink so that everyone else can be comfortable. How smoothly you silence your preferences, your truth, your self. How quietly you take on extra work and stay in line (whatever that means). If you're not careful, you'll mistake it for a badge of honor when in reality it's a receipt & proof that you've been paying the likability tax. The likability tax is the unspoken toll women—especially Black women and women of color—pay to be seen as non-threatening, agreeable, and palatable in the workplace. It’s the cost of downplaying your voice and muting your truth in exchange for being “liked.” And it’s expensive. It’s when you smile and nod, even when you disagree. It’s when you say “I’m good either way” when you're actually not. It’s when you edit the deck, run the meeting, take the notes, follow up, and still don't ask for credit because somewhere deep down, you've learned that being liked is safer than being loud. And don’t get it twisted—this isn’t about being a team player. This is about self-erasure dressed up as professionalism. Because we know on some teams, when a woman has a strong opinion, a clear boundary, or ambitious ask she's labeled. Either she's too much, too difficult, too assertive, too entitled, too ______. So instead of speaking up, she's always agreeable, pleasant, and quiet - trading her voice for job security. And what does she get in return? Praise but no promotion. Thanks but no pay increase. Titled "low maintenance" and applauded for her invisible labor. This is how women, especially Black women and women of color—get underpaid, underestimated, and overlooked while being told how “nice” they are to work with. But let’s be clear: Nice doesn’t build equity. Agreeable doesn’t close pay gaps. Being “easy” to work with won’t get you in the rooms where decisions are made. It just ensures you won’t be seen as a threat. So no, you're not thriving sis. You're surviving. And you're tired of downplaying your contributions so that others feel comfortable. Tired of working twice as hard and getting half the credit. Tired of claiming it's “teamwork” when it’s really just a masterclass in self-sacrifice. When you're as good as you are, certain people benefit from you being quiet than they do from you speaking up. You don't need to be easier to work with. They need to be better at working with women like you. The next time someone says, “You’re so easy to work with,” ask yourself why. You just may be paying the likability tax. — Found this valuable? Make sure to ♻️ repost because friends don’t let friends miss out on helpful content! Want to work with us? Book your Fulfilled Career Clarity Call here - isimemen.com/start

I am (not) your mother, Luke.   Or your sister. Or girlfriend. Or your wife.   I am your boss.   And yet, as a female leader, I often found that my team members unconsciously placed me in a caregiving role. Which triggered in me a need to nurture them, which undermined my authority, and was no good for any of us.   I’m not alone in this. Many of the women leaders I work with in my role as mentor say the same thing. That when they have to make tough decisions, they get reactions that their male equivalents simply don’t have to face.   👩👦 The ‘mother’ role. You’re expected to be nurturing, to provide emotional support and protection. And any criticism may be taken as harsh, like being told off by mummy. 👩 The ‘sister’ role: You’re expected to be friendly, collaborative and fun. Assertiveness can be misread as aggression. 👰♀️ The ‘girlfriend / wife’ role: You’re expected to take on emotional labour, be a supportive ear, or even hand conflict in a soothing manner. These roles are a trap for women in business, where they feel that they have to balance warmth with authority, competence with compassion. And it’s exhausting!   The struggle is real ❌ Women may struggle to progress if they don’t conform to caregiving expectations ❌ Feedback from women leaders is more likely to be taken personally, rather than as professional guidance ❌ Women leaders may try to do it all, fulfilling both emotional and professional expectations – leading to burnout   To avoid this trap, women often try to take on what they perceive as a male archetype – becoming cold and harsh. But that’s not the best way forward. The answer is authenticity. How to be just you ✅ Educate your team and yourself about these biases – knowing about them is the first step to avoiding them ✅ Set boundaries – be clear about professional expectations versus personal involvement ✅ Communicate honestly – don’t feel you have to soften your message, be direct and clear ✅ Support other women – advocate for structures that allow women to lead without having to take on caregiving expectations. It’s time women stopped trying to be everything to everyone and focused on being just the very best version of themselves.   What about you? Are you a female leader who finds herself being put in these boxes? Are you a man working with women who expects them to be the caregivers? Let me know! ⬇️

13 ways to disagree, Without damaging relationships: Disagreeing can feel risky. You don't want to seem difficult,  Create tension, Or burn bridges. So a lot of us stay quiet -  Even when we see a better way. But disagreement doesn't have to be destructive. And the words we use can play a huge role. Start with language that builds trust, Shows respect, And invites deeper thinking: 1) "That's an interesting point - can I share another angle?" ↳Shows curiosity and invites dialogue 2) "Can you walk me through your thinking a bit more?" ↳Invites them to expand, showing you value their reasoning before responding 3) "I think we're aiming for the same outcome, but I'd take a different path" ↳Highlights shared intent 4) "I agree with you on X - where we might differ is on Y" ↳Starts with common ground to reduce defensiveness 5) "What if we looked at it this way instead?" ↳Keeps the tone exploratory and positions disagreement as thoroughness 6) "Let's test both ideas and see what works best" ↳Makes it about outcomes, not egos 7) "Can I challenge that assumption for a moment?" ↳Frames disagreement as critical thinking 8) "I understand your concern, but my experience has been different" ↳Grounds your view in personal insight 9) "I'm not sure I agree - can we walk through the reasoning together?" ↳Invites collaboration rather than confrontation 10) "I think we may be prioritizing different things - can we align on that first?" ↳Focuses on clarity and common goals 11) "I hear what you're saying, but I have a different take on this" ↳Acknowledges their view before stating your own 12) "That's a fair point - my only concern is..." ↳Validates their perspective while introducing a new consideration 13) "I'm not sure that's the best approach - can I explain my thinking?" ↳Opens space for rationale, not rejection The strongest teams, partnerships, and friendships are built on trust - The kind that welcomes challenge, not just compliance. Use these phrases to disagree respectfully,  While keeping conversations open. Any you'd add? --- ♻️ Repost to help others speak up with confidence. And follow me George Stern for more content like this.

Conflict is inevitable. How we manage it is both an art and a science. In my work with executives, I often discuss Thomas Kilmann's five types of conflict managers: (1) The Competitor – Focuses on winning, sometimes forgetting there’s another human on the other side. (2) The Avoider – Pretends conflict doesn’t exist, hoping it disappears (spoiler: it doesn’t). (3) The Compromiser – Splits the difference, often leaving both sides feeling like nobody really wins. (4) The Accommodator – Prioritizes relationships over their own needs, sometimes at their own expense. (5) The Collaborator – Works hard to find a win-win, but it takes effort. The style we use during conflict depends on how we manage the tension between empathy and assertiveness. (a) Assertiveness: The ability to express your needs, boundaries, and interests clearly and confidently. It’s standing your ground—without steamrolling others. Competitors do this naturally, sometimes too much. Avoiders and accommodators? Not so much. (b) Empathy: The ability to recognize and consider the other person’s perspective, emotions, and needs. It’s stepping into their shoes before taking a step forward. Accommodators thrive here, sometimes at their own expense. Competitors? They might need a reminder that the other side has feelings too. Balancing both is the key to successful negotiation. Here’s how: - Know your default mode. Are you more likely to fight, flee, or fold? Self-awareness is step one. - Swap 'but' for 'and' – “I hear your concerns, and I’d like to explore a solution that works for both of us.” This keeps both voices in the conversation. - Be clear, not combative. Assertiveness isn’t aggression; it’s clarity. Replace “You’re wrong” with “I see it differently—here’s why.” - Make space for emotions. Negotiations aren’t just about logic. Acknowledge emotions (yours and theirs) so they don’t hijack the conversation. - Negotiate the process, not just the outcome. If you’re dealing with a competitor, set ground rules upfront. If it’s an avoider, create a low-stakes way to engage. Great negotiators don’t just stick to their natural style—they adapt. Which conflict style do you tend to default to? And how do you balance empathy with assertiveness? #ConflictResolution #Negotiation #Leadership #Empathy #Assertiveness #Leadership #DecisionMaking

“Because you look pretty and kind, I didn’t think that you would be good at building a business.” Just recently a follower from my LinkedIn told me to my face, she did not join my community because of the way I looked (ie “beautiful, warm and kind”) and in turn she did not believe I could actually successfully build a business and be good at leading a community.  It was not until her close friend brought her to an event and hearing through her friend the huge value we brought, that she was able to fight the negative stereotype she had of me and negative impact my “look” had on her impression of me and my company.  This is a tragic realization: If our own race and gender agrees to perpetuate, encourage, and confirm these stereotypes, then how do we have any hope of breaking them within greater society? According to Harvard research, if an Asian woman is perceived and works to build her warm charisma, kindness and compassion, she is perceived as incompetent in her work.  On the other hand, if an Asian woman is perceived not as that— cold, aggressive, assertive— then she can be perceived as competent but at the expense of not being able to have warmth and kindness.  In sum, as Asian women, we’re navigating and walking an impossible balance beam of negative stereotypes forced upon us by society. The question is: how can we combat these stereotypes? Here are some first steps: 1. Name the bias out loud. Stereotypes only grow stronger when they remain unspoken. Acknowledging that these perceptions exist — even within our own communities — is the first step toward dismantling them. 2. Celebrate multidimensional leadership. We must normalize that leaders can be both warm and competent, both kind and strategic. Visibility matters — when we showcase Asian women who lead with empathy and excellence, we challenge the one-dimensional boxes we’ve been put into. 3. Hold each other accountable — with compassion. Bias isn't just external. As your story shows, it can come from peers and even friends. We need to call in, not just call out, our communities when we see these assumptions at play. Education and exposure shift mindsets far more effectively than shame. 4. Reclaim the narrative. Whether in media, business, or leadership, Asian women deserve to author their own stories. Research from the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology shows that counter-stereotypical role models can significantly reduce implicit bias. Your presence — visible, vocal, and leading with both warmth and skill — is resistance. 5. Invest in spaces that reflect and reinforce our full humanity. Whether it’s communities, teams, or networks, choose and build spaces that allow Asian women to thrive as their whole selves — not just what fits into society’s narrow expectations. The Authentic Asian is a great place to start 🙂 Only 7 spots left before enrollment closes. If you’ve been searching for your community apply now: https://lnkd.in/exy_2y63

What Professionalism Penalizes From Chapter Two of I'm Not Yelling In organizational settings, professionalism is often presented as a neutral guide for conduct. In practice, it functions as a disciplinary mechanism. Across sectors, consistent patterns emerge: • Assertiveness is recoded as aggression • Directness is classified as a communication deficiency • Confidence is reframed as attitude or lack of collegiality • Disagreement is treated as disruption rather than contribution These interpretations are not applied uniformly. They disproportionately affect individuals whose communication styles diverge from dominant workplace culture norms, even when performance outcomes are demonstrably strong. Over time, employees internalize these signals. Credibility becomes conditional, not on effectiveness or results, but on restraint and conformity. The issue is not individual behavior or isolated misjudgments. It is the enforcement of standards that appear neutral while operating unevenly. This analysis forms the core of Chapter Two, which examines how credibility is constructed, policed, and rewarded within contemporary workplace systems.

Avoiding hard conversations today leads to big problems tomorrow. It’s a skill every leader needs to master. The ability to: Navigate tension Deliver feedback Speak the truth (without creating drama) It’s not about being fearless. It’s about being skilled. The best CEOs turn awkward conversations into alignment, momentum, and trust. Here’s how: ✅ They prepare intentionally, instead of reacting emotionally. → They stay calm, gather facts, and enter with purpose (not with pressure). ✅ They open well, so things don’t spiral. → "Can we talk openly for a minute?" works better than "We need to talk." ✅ They speak clearly without judgment. → "Here’s what I noticed. Here’s how it impacted the team." ✅ They listen like pros. → They use silence, repeat what they’ve heard, and name the emotion underneath the words. ✅ They find common ground, not just common complaints. → "What do we both want here?" is a breakthrough question. ✅ They co-create the next move. → Not "Here’s what you’re going to do." But: "Let’s figure out the next step together." ✅ And they close with connection, not control. → They clarify what’s next, acknowledge the effort, and leave the door open for future progress. Want to be the kind of leader people respect? Even in hard moments? Learn to have the conversations others avoid. Because when you master that skill, everything changes: → Trust goes up → Departures drop → Performance improves → And your team starts solving problems with you, not around you Save this for your next 1-on-1. Share it with your leadership team. The conversation you’ve been dreading? It’s your next leadership win. P.S. What’s your best tip for handling tough conversations? Want a PDF of my Difficult Conversations Cheat Sheet + 100 more leadership resources? Get them free here: https://lnkd.in/e6NvKDdT ♻️ Repost to help a leader in your network. Follow Eric Partaker for more leadership insights.