Tag Archive | emotional

First Rejection & Snow

Jan8

Of the year. And it’s fine, it’s part of the process. It’s fine. I read somewhere once that being rejected just means your story has not found a home yet.

What hurts is that in the midst of the s**t show of the last few years, I lost both my physical log and the computer log of where I had submitted which stories.

In the rejection letter they were absolutely both extremely professional and kind. Especially since I had apparently submitted that story to them in 2021.

Sigh.

So many emotions are swirling in me right now. A morass. Not because of the rejection of the story. It will find its home.

And it hit hard because I’m trying to find my footing in my new home. Most of that is working through the mental state that I arrived in. My home is still in disarray, and when I lay in bed and close my eyes I see my old room. My old life.

Friday night & Saturday morning we experienced our first snowfall that stuck. My son still calls California home. Sunday we went to lunch with my niece & her family, and I borrowed a shirt for a wedding next weekend. Wednesday I put my kid on a plane to our old home to visit– and I’m hoping he gets on the plane back 12 days later. I’m hoping he doesn’t get into trouble.

I’m also looking forward to time without him. Time to make a freaking mess of the house so I can put it together the way I want to.

My words are messy, but they are coming out. I’ve got 2 stories I’m working on because well, messy. I wrote a poem.

I talk to my bestie on the phone everyday. She’s still in Cali, and is my backup with the almost adult boy I’m sending out there. I miss her. I have family here but haven’t made friends yet. I also don’t really go anywhere– haven’t even been to the library yet. I do recognize the cashier at the Dollar General, but I’m sure I’m just another face in the day to her.

Well. This has gotten a lot more personal than I thought it would. Hope you don’t mind. My brain doesn’t feel as messy.

Until next time, my lovelies!

Happy Mother’s Day

May11

The church hold’s a Mother’s Day Tea the Saturday before M-Day every year. This is the fourth year I’ve attended. The first, I attended with Jane, very pregnant. The second, Ray was growing, and Jane and I were there together again.

Last year was rough. I ended up a neurotic, crying mess. Jane didn’t come because she wasn’t feeling well. Of course, Dad was home with her. Brian was in the kitchen helping the other men cook for us, Ray was in the nursury with his Auntie Gacca, and I sat alone and miserable. Someone else even snatched Ray’s high-chair, so I couldn’t even have him eat with me…..

I was feeling pretty sorry for myself.  Like I said before, I ended up crying. Missing my mom, Elaine, with a fiercness that shocked me. I was an emotional wreck.

There was one, bright, shining moment that made all the emotional mayhem worth it, though. Carol sang the Etta Jame’s song, “At Last.” I ran back to the nursury, grabbed Ray and brought him out with me to watch her sing and sway and dance to the music.

His jaw dropped when he first heard her singing. He has always loved music– classical, country, rock, pop… What ever I’ve thrown at him. But he had never heard a person singing like that in real life before.

This year, I had lower expectations for the tea. I didn’t expect to really have fun, make any connections… Just maybe a little fellowship, a little break from the day to day. And at first, that’s exactly what I got.

I sat in-between two groups. At first, I felt… out of place. Like I didn’t belong. Even though I am a mommy, everyone else was paired up. Except for me. Then I caught M.E.’s sense of humor, and it is so like my own that I nearly wet myself a couple of times. And I talked with G, a lot. More than I ever have before. So much so, that I ended up feeling as if I had come to the tea with her and Y. Connection made.

I shared the story wof “At Last” with Carol a few weeks ago. This year, as some of the door prizes, she made CD’s of her music, and THE SONG was on it.  But even better, she sang it again. And once again, I went and grabbed Ray. His jaw dropped. He ran up and grabbed her hand and danced between us, her holding his left, me his right. He was entranced. Mesmerized.

At last, I’ve found my way.

Happy Mother’s Day Mommy, I hope it was a grand one.

Wyn