Category: influence

If I can’t have it, neither can you!

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Today I had pretty interesting phone call. It was an international call with one of my peer. We talked about qualification, certifications, and many other random things. I shared with her my ideas about traveling, internships. And how is nowadays, to have an international real life experience, brings you move value as a specialist on a “market” than a bunch of diplomas on your wall.

I told her that is an amazing thing to have a cosmopolitan life and be able to meet new cultures, peers and exchange experiences. Try things you’ve never tried before! Come up with your own methods and techniques in your work! Get new mentors! At the end of the day, you can see new opportunities for business if you are interested. Isn’t it’s great?

But she didn’t share my excitement. In fact, she told me that she is already reached her “higher level of self-development” as a specialist and she is able to teach everyone else. That to “go global” is a waste of time, extra stress, and a possibility gets diarrhea…

I didn’t start a fight with her. But it made me think. How many people around us just sitting on their buts to get their check paid? Seriously! They don’t need anything! They don’t care how they are influencing your life. They don’t care will you get a real knowledge or not? Will you become someone and grow? Will you reach your dreams? They against every possible change, because being out of the comfort zone didn’t guarantee a paid check for them! After all, such people will use their best efforts to make you think that you are ” such a dreamer” (in the very best polite way).You know… I’ve been upset after talking to her, to be honest. But then I remember one story.

There is such a wonderful thing called the crab bucket theory which literally means a short-sighted way of thinking or myopic thinking. In short, it says that the crabs are such a stupid animals that individually each of them could easily get out of the bucket. But when one of them is trying to get out, the others is clinging to his back and tightened him.

So as people, when you are trying to quit smoking and someone will say, “I tried for a few days and it didn’t work. You are gonna fail too! Haha” and you’ll take it. And later will smoke without feeling of guilt… It’s a crab bucket! When you are trying to follow a healthy diet someone will tell you, “Dude, it’s just a question of a time, you’ll still keep dream about it! Eat some donut! You’ll start your diet tomorrow. – yes, crab bucket!

Unfortunately, it’s a human nature… We can’t do anything about it, except for one thing! We have to be stronger than the bucket and push forward, even when a hundred people are pulling you back!

Top 5 simple rules to improve engagement of your listeners

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As a teacher, I find top 5 simple rules that may help you improve your engagement of your listeners. Take a look.

1. The time-limitation law. Witch says that first 10 minutes of presented information we perceive as actual 10 min of our time. Second 10 min we are perceiving as 20 min of our time. And the third 10 min as 30 min of our time. The more time you spend on talking non-stop, the faster your listeners will be tired and bored. So, all my lessons built around this low. All the important information try to put in the first part of your presentation. Also, do some breaks between the key points. Not necessarily it would be the actual 10 min and then break, sometimes it can be a bit longer, sometimes shorter. But try to stay in this limitation and you will see that you have a better engagement from your listeners.

2. Recall. All of my lessons starts from a recall of information my students already know. And then I can look for it in the middle of the lesson or by the end of it. Before presenting your ideas, try to get to know your listeners. Maybe they already familiar with the topic you will present. When you having interaction with your auditory it always helps to break the ice!

3. Feedback. I have to be focused on students engagement. The lesson is not about me, it’s about students and what they have learned. So, when I gave them a rule or new vocabulary I ask them to make an example from it. And I am trying to understand which way to present the information because every day is a different day. Always seek for a feedback. It’s important. Even when you being a speaker or a host follow your auditory reaction. Nothing can’t be worse than a speaker, who creates a stand-up comedy show for yourself when he trying to be funny. It’s not about you, it’s about them!

4. Content. To make things interesting for my students I am bringing visual aids, cartoons or short movies, songs, toys e. t. c. Even if I am making an example, I follow their interest and trends. Don’t be afraid to use some extra materials or examples in your presentation/speech. Content is the king!

5. The possibility of using the information in real life. Most people could have a high rating scale in a classroom but stepping out could be challenging for some of them. I have to give them this challenge. I have to give them lots of communication. Speaking of motivation, sometimes I do open lessons. Which means we go out and we try to discover things via different things. I like the idea when my students can express their thoughts in a public. I am not always will be with them, so it’s good if they learn on their own. Thinks about value of your content. People are spending the time to listen to you. Respect it. Don’t talk about your company/products/services only. Give them some food for thoughts. Bring them some value. If you will help them with something, if they can learn something to increase their life or make it better… and because they spend time on you… You can be sure that they will give 200% of their attention to you.

Don’t crush your ideas! Make it right!

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In 1957 C. Northcote Parkinson (British naval historian and author of 60 books, the most famous of which was his bestseller Parkinson’s Law) came up with the law of triviality. This is an argument that members of an organization give disproportionate weight to trivial issues.
He writes about a finance committee meeting with a three-item agenda: The first is the signing of a £10 million contract to build a reactor, the second a proposal to build a £350 bicycle shed for the clerical staff, and the third proposes £21 a year to supply refreshments for the Joint Welfare Committee.

So the first item, which is £10 million contract, passes in two and a half minutes.

Parkinson describes the second item as – “Discussion goes on, therefore, for forty-five minutes, with the possible result of saving some £50. Members at length sit back with a feeling of accomplishment.”

And the third item he is writing: “Every man there knows about coffee – what it is, how it should be made where it should be bought – and whether indeed it should be bought at all. This item on the agenda will occupy the members for an hour and a quarter, and they will end by asking the secretary to procure further information, leaving the matter to be decided at the next meeting.”

As we can see people are more willing to talk about minor issues and give it more time than talk about something big and important! This desire is connected to the point that we all have an opinion based on our knowledge about something wide and little, like coffee. And we are pretty confident to talk about that. But if we talk about something big/specific we feel insecure. Cause we may not be specialists on the topic. And we can’t share our thought freely about that. So most of us will think: I don’t have experience on that, I can’t talk about that freely, I don’t understand in detail, so I will agree with someone who looks more knowledgeable than me.

And before you represent yourself/your idea to another person/company you must be carefully prepared what you will say. Work on your content, do a lot of research, use a simple language, give a proof to your words, make it visible, so they can see it. They can understand it. Follow their reaction and give the other side time to response. And that’s really important because you if you see that they are focusing more on something little, that your content is blurred to them. That’s a lack of understanding. And a lot of people fail on that.

Be clear about your big things at any levels. And always give a solution for something little, so no one spent time on that.

Good luck! 😉

The material has been written for this course.

James Borg and his types of conversationalists… Part 2

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In our previous blog, we start to discover the types of people according to James Borg theory. He explains that all people can be divided into 5 main types. And each type needs his own method of communication. We also taught how critically important for the great first impression the process of adjustment to your partner.

Not a secret that we are more open and respective to the people and information that we like. Subconsciously we always will choose people who are similar to us. And information which is sounds familiar. This choice is connected to the point that when we relate to someone or something we feel confident.

To be on a friendly footing with people you’ll need to take their own unique method of communication. So they will feel connected with you from the very first moment.

S0, let’s continue…

3. “The cool guy”.

He would listen to you carefully on the phone and ask you to meet him in person. He will be fun and easy to talk with. He would ask you to be informal and to call by his name. If he interested in you or your ideas he won’t play with you in cat-and-mouse! He will let you know immediately.

Сommunication tactics

With this type of individual, you always will feel nice and beneficial. So try to be as honest and open, as you can. And don’t abuse his sincerity and hospitality.

4. Meticulous type.

He usually thinks and talks slowly. By the moment when he is ready to communicate with you, he gathered enough necessary information about topics of negotiation, you and your company. He likes to dig into the topics before he will talk. And he takes things literally. If you said that your meeting will last 30 minutes, he will listen to you exactly for 30 minutes. Any extra time will be just waste of a time and the reason to complain about. When the meeting is over he will ask you to write and send a list of the issues which were previously discussed. Make a note that all the things you said, he can forget. But the contents of the letter will be remembered for a long time. Before making a final decision, take some time to think about these issues … and get the approval from a third party. This can require a few meetings more. So please be patient.

Сommunication tactics

Be completely opposite to him. Speak an average pace, and only when it’s necessary. Be clear and answer to the questions without doubts. Never interrupt him and never be late. After negotiations, pay particular attention to the final summary letter!

5. Pig in a poke.

This “character” will try to use you by wearing the mast of a “nice guy”. He is interested only in his personal gain, and what can you do for that. He will use the ostentatious friendliness. However, he would not come out of his desk. He will scrutinize your business card, trying to determine the status of its owner. Most likely, he’ll ask some general questions to make you arrange for a frank conversation. If he decides that you are an important person and can feed his request for a personal gain, then you will be offered not the only cup of tea but even the cookies 😉 Otherwise, your conversation will be very cool and short.

Сommunication tactics

Be careful with what you are saying and don’t trust a pair of pretty smiles. Don’t gossip and don’t say too much. Do not lose self-control. Remember that he is watching you and waiting “the moment”. Stand up proud and know your worth. Usually, this type of people respects this quality.

Now you know all 5 main types of people according to J.Borg theory and your communication tactics. It should help you to make the process of adjustment to your partner easier.

Good luck with trying and take care!

Let me know how it goes 😉

James Borg and his types of conversationalists… Part 1

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James Borg, in his book “The Power of persuasion. The Art of Influence People” identifies five main types of conversationalists. He explains that all people can be divided into 5 main types. And each type needs his own method of communication. Let’s look at them.

1. “Hurry up! Make it short! Come on!”

He is afraid to miss new opportunities, so he is willing to give a chance to anyone who get his attention and make him listen to you. But don’t expect that you’ll feel “special” in that moment. The motto for this type of person – Time is money!

Don’t even try to get the initiative in the conversation. This type of individual loves to take control of the situation. He will speak quickly and clever. He will observe a lot. And he won’t stop to remember you that he is spending time with you, by looking at watch once in a while.

Your tactics:

When he is inviting you to a meeting, he is expecting the positive ending. So go direct with your idea. Speak briefly and be on point and don’t fall to the law of triviality (we will talk about this law in our next blogs). Know exactly what you will talk about and avoid “the water”. Be clear about your big things at any levels. And always give a solution to something little, so you won’t spend time on that.

2. “What benefits can I get from this?”

They will accept any proposals in writing form only. They prefer to communicate through their secretary. When they confirm the meeting you definitely will feel like they are giving you a fever. Your dialogue will be nothing but the pure work with objections and criticism. Every your statement will meet a hundred and hundreds of arguments.
“You are mistaken”,” This is not gonna work”, “You not enough experienced to do that!” e.t.c.
But don’t take it personally. This is just a tactic to put you in a place and show that they are the one who has authority and knowledge.
The reality is this, often they don’t know much. They just don’t have enough time to cover everything, so they work with preconceptions on a regular basis.
However, it is not necessary to expose it! Work with it!

Your tactics:

You are dealing with superiority. Break his model of negotiations and power. Ask him to sit next to you on the sofa. Say that it’s necessary. Just find any excuse: you have a back pain, you need a socket for your laptop and the power cord is short, e. t. c. Be assertive and don’t take your opponent’s attacks too personally.

To be continued…

Does your speech infected?

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Studies show that almost 99% of people use words-parasites. Such words as “um”, “well”, “so”, “by the way” e.t .c are infecting our speech on regular basis. We don’t even recognize that we use it. And starting to feel insecure when someone put attention on that.

But every situation can be viewed in two ways. If you patient enough and able to notice every tiny detail about your partner you can learn from that a lot. The parasite-words will be an indicator for you that will tell about the character of your partner more that you think. So, watch him carefully. If he uses such word as:

“Actually” this word will often use an insecure type of people. These individuals can throw such a scandal out of the blue. And they act like that because of their uncertainty.

“It’s just”/”Just” is more often used by people whose opinions can’t be independent. They are highly dependent on their environment and afraid to take any kind of responsibility.
These people will find a million ways of excuses before they will “fall down” in front of the eyes of public completely.

“By the way” – this word used by people who really needs attention. They usually feel uncomfortable in the new company, and trying to cover their shyness in words. Next time when you will hear that someone will use this phrase “by the way” pay attention on how strongly that attract the attention of the audience.

“In fact” is often used by people who don’t want to do their job. Perhaps they are unreliable and impulsive, so it’s not necessary to them to try hard. Also, such people are very good at avoidance of any punishment. They will easily blame those who are close to them at the moment.

“Whatever” this word is used by creative natures. Such people are often spending their time on their own. In their fantasy world. It is an expression for these people who unknowingly emphasize their essence. Their isolation from society. Their attitude to life.

“That means” will often use real conservatives in their speech. They are against everything new and unknown to them. Their opinions also can be proved by resorting to an aggressive style of conversation.

“In short”/”Long story short”such words and phrases is a measure of haste, aggression, and nervousness. Most likely, the person who uses it has a choleric character. Some of these people can be considered as people with the unbalanced nervous system. You also will find them very chatty.

“In reality”/”Reality is this” if you hear that phrases, that will signal that you are dealing with self-confident and self-centered human individual. He/she will trust only themselves, their experience and their opinions. Is not easy to make a friendship with them, because they usually consider themselves as a unique and unrepeatable type of people. You will see that they surrounding themselves with the same people.This is just an audience. Faceless mass for their life performances.

The process of adjustment to your partner

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Researchers show that today the work experience is in the fifth place of importance for employment. Your education is in seventh place, and the first place is taking by the first impression that you make at the first meeting.

When you meet the person for the first time, 90% of the important information you’ll get in first 4 minutes of your communication. This is enough to understand whether you like this person or not.

That’s why the process of adjustment to your partner is critically important!

The process of adjustment to the partner provides 3 steps:

Identification.It starts with the postures. Where you and your partner just meet and see each other for the first time. So pre-judgment will happen from the visual aids. Then, gestures. You will discover him/ her. You’ll probably shake hands or start moving around. Then, vocal variety. You will do some greetings and start to talk about something. And from that warm up, you’ll understand the preferred communication style for your partner.
Collecting and discovering information.On that step, you become an active listener. It’s really up to you how fast you will go to the next step. Basically on this stage you collecting the image of your partner more and give him/her sense of importance. You look for the moment where your partner is absolutely relaxed and greedily talk about himself/herself or their experience about something.
3. And finally the last step, the test of your adjustment. On this step you will understand, can you influence your partner at the moment? Can you lead him/her?

So, how will you know it?

“Leading your partner”.This is the method of interaction when your partner is taking your side without resistance or criticism. This is a type of reaction when you want to switch his/her attention from the outside world to the inside.

What does that mean? If your partner reflecting YOUR body language, postures, gestures, speech patterns, he emphasizes his agreement with your behavior. And if he does that unconsciously, he would agree with your words eventually.
How will you do that? When you see that your partner absolutely relaxed and greedily talk about something when you feel the right moment, stop support his nonverbal communication. And do something different. Something your own. Watch for the following reaction. If he/she reflecting on you that mean you succeed. You get the right first impression and this is the best time to keep it, start building a new strong relationship, share your ideas or ask for some fevers.
If you are not sure, just repeat the process from step 2.

“Hypnotize him”.Make your speech flow as water. Use transitional words such as “when”, “if”, “then” e. t. c. Make your voice smooth and easy. Breathe deep and make a tone of your voice a bit lower than usual. Just a little bit, nothing crazy. You should look calm and relaxed. Spread the nice energy. Use conjunctions. They will give your speech flexibility and will help slightly hypnotize your partner. When you don’t make sudden pauses between sentences your partner stop controlling your information and reduces his level of criticism. But don’t rush when you speak. And do not build your whole communication line on that tool. Use it only when you partner is absolutely relaxed and you have this quick time frame. Your voice should sound smooth and flowing. When you use this technique in a right way, it doesn’t really matter what you are saying. Your voice hypnotizes your partner and making him trust you.

The material has bee written for this course!

The rhythm of communication

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The ratio of speaking and keeping silence in our daily life is constant. This means that every day we need some time to talk and a certain amount of time to be silent.

This law works clearly enough for us. And we have to follow our natural or familiar to our own rhythms of communication – otherwise, we will start to feel anxiety, stress, and worsen mood and general health.

We actually can say that each of us has something like a counter in our brain that indicates the moment we over talked and need to be quiet, or if we are silent for too long and it’s time for us to join the conversation. It’s very important for us to have a balance between the moments we talk and being quiet.

If somebody around you over taught, you will see usually this person cutting off himself from communication for a while. To get this balance back. It happens because we need to feel psychological defense for ourselves (we get tired of communicating with other people, we need to follow and respond their behavior, we need time to process information, we need to answer their questions e. t. c.)

There are many professions that ruin the natural rhythm of communication. Such as teachers, leaders, journalists, doctors, lawyers, guides, sales managers, e. t. c. For leaders, communication takes up to 80% of their time. These people need a break from their communication routine by the end of the day to recover.

To make your partner feel comfortable and relaxed you want to find his/her unique rhythm of communication and follow it. On this case, this person will think that you are on the same wavelength with him/her. Listen when needed and talk when you are allowed and most likely your partner will feel extremely positive about you.

The material has been written for this course

Things that the good conversationalist do

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The good conversationalists are always:

Know your name. Psychological studies show that to call a person by the name is extremely important! The most pleasant combination of sounds for us it’s to hear when someone calls our name. By hearing our name we hear the confirmation that we exist and meaningful. And we start to experience positive emotions and become more genial to the person who use this little trick.

“Bill, I heard you are very qualified on that topic, can you tell me what you think about …….?”

“Chris, could you do me a fever? Guys told me that you are one of the best who can fix…..?”

Follow the rhythm of communication. He listens when it’s needed and talk when you are allowing it. He is never interrupting you. The ratio of speaking and keeping silence in our daily life is constant. This means that every day we need some time to talk and a certain amount of time to be silent. This law works clearly enough for us.

Know what to say and use the right language. He thinks before he talks. The good conversationalist is always clear and easy to understanding. He uses the right language and vocal variety. He always follows your reaction and gives you time to respond.

Mix open-ended and closed questions. And they seek for the agreement from the other side. They want to hear three or more “YES”. Studies show that when people say “YES” on a three following question, they tend to agree with a next question before you even ask. So there is a high possibility that next question they’ll ask, they’ll say “YES”. And be sure, they’ll ask you the right question.

Make you feel good about yourself. They will listen carefully and smile. They will show how impressed they are with you knowledge and experience about something. They will ask you a lot of questions. And they will use psychological stroking over and over so you will feel meaningful and important even after meeting.

And one little hint here.* little presents or souvenirs works great if you use it smartly. For example, if you go to a business meeting you can bring some samples of your brand, sort of gifts from your company. Or you can show appreciation with buying coffee or tea after your meeting if the moment is required. If you work in sales you can give something for free. I had a great experience during shopping in one of my trips. The store I’ve been never given discounts or bonuses but they gave you some free goodies. And you can actually choose what you want. It was great!

Keep things in its own places. Your space should stay untouchable. The good conversationalist knows that, If your door was open before the meeting, he/she will keep it open after they leave. They understand the importance of personal space and its harmony. So they will never play against this rule.

Psychological stroking

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Psychological stroking (don’t be confuse with this!) is an effective technique at any levels of communication. This is an interaction with other people, where you give all of your attention to the partner. It’s when you gave signals to your partner that you recognize him/her as an individual.

Strokes can be a smile, compliment, support, affirmation words that can show the sense of the importance of your partner. This is not necessarily a physical contact between two people.

But don’t be confused with flattery. Psychological stroking is one of our vital needs. We need it as much as we need food, water, oxygen, and heat. It’s our thirst of incentive if you want our need for physical and mental stimulation.

Types of stroking: positive, negative, and internal (those you give to yourself as a reward for something or feel better), social (those we give to others). Physical (the actual physical contact), unconditional (you get it just the way you are) and contingencies (for doing or not doing something).

People get stroking from a lot of different ways. Someone get it from being hardworking and responsible employees. Someone fights for that with their mischievous behavior. Someone gets this type of attention from the way they look like, and someone just uses manipulations.

And those who don’t have it, or have very little become emotionally week and receptive to manipulation.

For our well-being, it is very important to be able to give, to receive, seek and reject (if it’s negative) strokes. It seems easy, but sometimes it takes a lot of efforts. People in general often prefer to give negative strokes (criticism), in other words, they say that they don’t like rather than things they like.

In conclusion: Give all of your attention to your partner. Just listening and reflecting him/her is not enough. You really have to show your interest. Be generous on smiling and affirmation words. Support is critically important. All people have problems or buzzing thoughts. Just find what it is. Most of the times people will start to talk about it without even ask. That means that they very comfortable and trusting you. And you don’t have to run and solve their lifetime problems (of course, if you don’t want to). Show them your participation, your sympathy that will be enough. Problems and buzzing thoughts become less offensive when you retell it several times.

The material has been written for this course.