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OOPAS: the comic strip
The Sketchbook Project 2011
I have sent out my entry to the Sketchbook Project 2011. Here’s the pdf of my submission. If you wish, do let me know what you think…
Zombapocalypto: Coffee and Cigarettes
Buddy relaxed. He moved to the source of the voice, warily scanning the premises. He found a middle-aged man seated at a table with a pot of coffee, a pack of Farbolos, and some uneaten cake. The table afforded a good view of the intersection of Guppy St and Canary Blvd.
“It’s safe. Here, have a seat. I’m Nigel.” Gold-rimmed glasses flashed as the man leaned over the table, extending a hand.
Buddy took the hand and exclaimed,”Christ, you’re cold!”
“I’m afraid my constitution isn’t the same. Age and disease, you know.”
“Disease?”
“I was dying of cancer before all this happened. Ball cancer!” Nigel made a face and laughed. It was a rueful sound. “Well, sit down, already! Coffee? Cake?”
Buddy nodded as he sat down. He was ravenous. Nigel poured another cup of coffee and pushed the cake at Buddy. He asked, “Who are you? What’s your story?” Buddy shrugged. He was new in town, fresh off the bus. He knew nobody here. He said so.
“Then it couldn’t have been as hard on you, this whole thing happening?” mused Nigel.
“I worry about my parents, my sister back home. I don’t know if this is happening everywhere else too,” mumbled Buddy through a mouthful of cake. He rinsed his palate with a sip of coffee.”It’s unbelievable.”
Nigel nodded. “Hasn’t it occurred to you that we might be characters in a b-movie or a bad novel?”
“That’s a thought!” snorted Buddy. “But we’re real. Aren’t we?”
“Authors,” Nigel continued, “are the worst sort of people. They’re cruel to their characters to move the plot or garner the reader’s sympathies.”
Nigel took his cup of coffee and brought it to his lips in a long draught. Hot beverage streamed, steaming, from his chest cavity. Buddy yelped, launching himself backwards, seat and all. When he got up, hyperventilating, he had his gun out. Nigel perused the younger man with calm eyes.
“Y-you’re one, y-you–,” stammered Buddy.
“One of them, you mean?” finished Nigel.
“Yes!” Buddy wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. “Why aren’t you trying to eat me?”
“Isn’t that what a civilized man does, restrain his urges for the betterment of self and others?” asked Nigel. He leaned back, folding his hands on his belly, what was left of it. Buddy could see the greenish tint of Nigel’s flesh, marveled he hadn’t smelled the mouldy stink earlier.
“In fact, the very idea repulses me, Buddy.” Nigel held out a placating hand. “Now please put that down. It’s not polite to point a gun at your host.”
Buddy was paralyzed with indecision. Each fiber of his being told him to pull the trigger, for the love of God, pull the fucking trigger.
“Come on, sit down. I’m not going to bite!” Nigel smiled at this. “Not chuckling? Oh well. Would you care for a cigarette?” He pushed the Farlboros across the table.
“I was never a smoker,” Buddy said, taking the pack with a trembling hand.
“People change with the times,” said Nigel. He saw a small dog carrying a human arm across Canary Street. “Everything changes.”
“How come you’re not like them? What use is drinking coffee if you can’t enjoy it?” Buddy asked, taking the lighter Nigel slid across the table and lit his cigarette. He coughed violently.
Nigel lit himself a cigarette too, and sat for a moment. “I don’t know. I was taking chemotherapy. That might have something to do with this.” He looked away from Buddy. “I smoke and drink coffee because I need something to remind me that I was–” He paused. Smoke purred from his ears. “–am human.”
Buddy inhaled. He was getting the hang of it. It was a time for vices, as it always is when death is around every corner. “What are you going to do?” he asked.
“What is there to do? I’m not sure which is the worse, dying or being like this.” Nigel ground out his cigarette on the table and took another cup of coffee. “I’m rotting from the inside out.
“Buddy. Whatever it is you need to do, first will you stay with me a while? Please.”
Buddy nodded and helped himself to another cigarette.
They sat in silence and watched the day go away.
Suicide
I asked him about his suicide attempt and he told me. I said, remember, it’s down the road, not across the street, kiddy! In retrospect, that might have been a bad idea, but at least he left me his playstation. Um, well, yeah, that’s it…
The Apocalypse Ain’t All That
They were fools. All those movies of easy, guilt-free gore… They had dove in the slaughter with gleeful abandon, reveling in the realization of the dream built by Hollywood.
By then it was too late. The flies lay eggs in the aimless rotten living dead. The mosquitos who struggled to draw the coagulation from beneath cold, rubbery flesh went in search for richer sources. The carrion creatures fell upon the decapitated bodies that littered the ruined cities. The diseased blood seeped into the earth to be drawn up by the flora. The rainwater inexorably swept the corruption towards the gulf.
For the last surviving bastions of humanity, death was a rude trick all around them. The water was undrinkable. The food they hunted turned on them. What little, strange smelling game they caught infected, as did the innocent looking berries and wild vegetables. The pests, mosquitos at dusk and the flies at all hours, left behind a sad, slow wasting away.
The fantasy fell apart like decaying flesh sloughing from bone. There was nothing left to do on a dying world but to walk the roads in the throes of terminal starvation.
Then they were none.
Around the star where a blue green jewel once orbited flew a malignant tumor, a grey graveyard filled with bleached bones.
Soul Chameleon
At eight years old, he had ordered a Hollywood stage make-up kit. By the time he was fifteen he had a small empire.
He would pick pockets, take only the driver’s license, and return the wallets for the reward (sometimes cash, often more substantial than the amount stolen, and always, the satisfaction of a good deed done). An hour or two of his art, he would leave his room using a face his father would not have recognized, to purchase a massive amount of alcohol. He sold it to the party circles of his school and the students of a local college at a mark up of twenty percent. They didn’t mind; better someone else went through the hassle.
Such was his skill, that he was arrested one night for drunk driving, and walked home the next morning. He had been wearing the face of a grizzled old man, looking very much like a Santa Claus gone to seed. They held him in lock down until the morning. He stepped out into the bright sunlight at the precinct, feeling slightly sorry for the old gentleman whose identity he’d stolen; he would be receiving a court summons he didn’t deserve.
At fifteen he had been talented, but at twenty-two he was a soul chameleon. He was capable of mimicking a person’s body language after a short time within proximity, essentially also adopting the person’s personality.
Having long abandoned his original enterprise because it bored him, he courted the government. Its espionage department found him to their taste and put his skills to good use. He also moonlighted as a significant member of Team E.V.I.L. during his course in government intelligence, often wreaking havoc on his own projects. Other organizations, criminal and legit, also paid for his services.
Today, he has dissolved into the swarm of identities that make up our world, effortlessly stepping in and out of roles. His employers have lost track of him, but his projects somehow are completed. There is some speculation that he is also one of the head honchos running the show.
Once in a while a man will pause in the street, or at the office, in obvious confusion, his own identity thrown into doubt… then he will smile, and go on as sure as the sun shines.
Flora Bottom
She is a frail woman with a bird’s nest tufts of hair and a pair of glasses, beige and wide and horn-rimmed. She had fallen out of the seventies with a bad coke habit, despite starting the era with flower child sentiments. Today she drives a pale ivory Volkswagen Bug with a cheap, gaudy cloth lei slung around the rearview mirror. Her line of sight barely reaches over the steering wheel. She stops longer that usual at stop signs to smile–her pinched features abruptly sunny, the smile almost too wide–at babies and small children at play.
The Million Man
His favorite trick was: at a meeting, he would lean forward to make a point and slosh across the table, abruptly liquid, swirling and tumbling little men who would scattter and crawl along the ties of horrified businessmen and clamber up the power suits of shrieking women. Children, more often than not, found this delightful and played with his representations, letting them run circles on their palms or climb haltingly upon their fingers. Eventually he would come together, slowly coalescing into a doll-sized figure, growing larger as soon as his errant selves gathered.
Starfish Island
On the night ocean it looked like one of these beasts in the deep dark that make their own light. A net of red, blue, and green, it rolled with the waves. Pontoon to barrels to patched lifeboats to packets of foam, an makeshift island constructed with the detritus of cities. Leathery soles pounded on planks of fuselages and billboards. Music pulsed, threading past shanties of corrugated plastic and pieces of garbage. Men and women, heavy with fermented grape, swayed under the vegetable garden trellis strung with fairy lights, their sun darkened fingertips brushing plump tomatoes and cucumbers. By the watermelon and grape vine wall played the band, an old rasta on guitar and vocals, a Slick Sid beatnik hooting the sax, Kid Awesome banging on the trash can drums, and Lady Shred riding bass. Behind the watermelon and grape vine wall volunteers pedaled furiously bicycles strung up to a generator, the island light waxing and waning with their effort. Children ran through the sweetsmelling ganja garden to fish alley and threw thin lines baited with fat buzzing insects into the gentle waves to occasionally pull in a silvery scalehound with squeals of delight. The moon painted its single sight on the starfish shape of humanity’s perseverance and watched families sling sleep sighing children into fish net hammocks and sink into a dream of wind before the bicycles whir into silence and the lights fade out in the sea salt air.
Twin Escapades
From the bones of the city they fled in an ancient gasoline vehicle. Its decals had rusted out and the engine howled something fearsome. Putrid smoke lingered in their wake.
Nimble fingered as ever, Gyre had lifted it from the man who held conversations with himself in the garden, Gimble scrambling into the passenger door as they rolled. The topic must have been arresting, the company delightful because the man continued gesturing and speaking even as the air filled with gunshot mingled backfires.
Gimble was the better driver. As soon as Gyre got it rattling across the shattered tarmac, Gimble slipped over his brother’s thin legs and teased it towards a speed long forgotten by its moaning transmission. They were fleeing the ancient but formidable constabulary. Lovingly maintained pistols filled their rheumatoid hands. A few used extreme terrain Segways to traverse the litter choked rubble that passed for roads in their city. The way they were pulling at the triggers suggested either senility or plentiful ammo. Gimble, whooping, figured it was both.
Gyre had pissed off the city Seward by breaking his old lady’s favorite vase. Gimble excaberated the situation by taking the virginity of the man’s only daughter. “It’s like eating a ripe fruit halfway to rot,” Gimble said. “For the love of Jah, she was 45!” Gyre shook his head and said, “Don’t you mean vintage wine? The older it is, the more pleasurable the moment? Have some class, brah!”
The car went off a small rise of ruptured concrete and its tyres tasted air. The landing rattled their teeth and bullet holes ventilated the rear window, too close for comfort. Gimble swerved and floored it. He said moodily, “It was nice. You know I was never good at analogies.”
A Hairy Issue
X: I see you finally washed that goatee off
Y: What? Haha, no. I shaved it off like normal people do, you know X: Oh my God. I’m really sorry
Y: What?
X: I-I was just under the impression that-
Y: What!?
X: -that your goatee was just pubic hair glued on, and-
Y: What the fuck? Normal people don’t-
X: -everyone I spoke with thought the same thing-
Y: You talked to people about this!?
X: -but nobody had guts to bring it up to you, you being-
Y: This is bullshit!
X: -the assistant manager
Pillow Talk
She lit a cigarette. Mmm, now I know how Hiroshima felt, she said through a mouthful of smoke. She smiled at him.
Don’t you think that’s in bad taste? he rubbed his eyes. I’m Japanese, and grandmother…she was vaporized! You knew this!
You’re just being a pouty puppy, dearie, she said, dismissing his indignation with a flutter of her hand.
Fuck! He sprang from bed and pulled his pants on. The door slammed. She shrugged and blew a smoke ring.
The Fall
The girl in the yellow dress was walking on the stone guard rail. She shouldn’t do that. Six, maybe seven, but she doesn’t know any better. It was a long drop. The surf crashed foamy furrows against old stone. Somebody should tell her to get off. She fell, a daffodil swirling to the black waters below. Nobody saw, or it was everyone was paralyzed. Dimitri saw. Dimitri acted. He flung himself from the tourist crowd and straightened his body like a board. The water was cold, but not as cold as the dread that gripped his heart as he thrashed about, seeking, seeking. Crude zephyrs sent rain sharp fists of brine into his face. The tide tugged at his legs with increasing insistence. It was surface and duck, surface and duck. Eternity visited a minute. His hand brushed a thin thigh, convulsed. Dimitri burst from the surface, pearls of water arcing above his triumphant yell. The girl is scared. She beat against his head, shook like a flower in high wind. Shh, he said, drowning. Breathe. Breathe! Someone had climbed down, thrown a lifesaver. It floated, pitiful and white against the sheer magnitude of nature. He pulled her icy arms around his neck. He barked like a dog. I am a little dog, and I am taking you for a swim. Now be still, girl! He barked again. She strangled him, but it was not so bad. The wave pulled them close, threatening to beat them against the cliff face. Then, a tug. That tug he knew, from his island youth. It spells death. He fought the ocean, gathering the girl in his arms, legs kicking. He tore her arms brutally from his neck. He hurled her onto the thin ring of salvation, the action pushing him in and away. The sky became a hole in his vision, an impossible distance. A pale blur in the peripheral, the girl seizes the lifesaver. She is saved. He has seen. The waters get what they want. A soul.
He gives his for hers.
A smile fills his lung with the ocean.
The Boneyard
In the Boneyard, second rate skeletons worried at the ruptured ground with pick-axes and shovels as a hairy man prowled along the ranks with loud exhortations in the form of blatant threats. The skeletons pulled the coffins one by one from the ground and salvaged the bones of occupants inside. They drew the flesh, if there were any left, upon their faces as caricatures of their lost humanity. It was in this way they were able to build a war machine constructed entirely of human bones. At the end of the week, the Boneyard had no more dead buried, and the hairy man, now containing his unpedigreed locks within a frayed stove-pipe hat, commandeered the army of bone men pulling the bone wagon. His first act of war was to torch the dredged coffins, and it was a frightening spectacle to behold the procession of skeletons pulling a creaking, hulking structure capable of crushing any man or beast in its path, this illuminated from behind by the paroxysm of fire.
Fag Hag Contest Entry
To celebrate the publication of his book, My Life As Adam, the eminently talented Bryan Borland hosted a poetry contest with fag haggotry as the central subject. This is my entry, which didn’t win, and it’s easy to see why once you read the winning submission along with the other mundo excellent submissions.
Ag
Taut asses, slick hairstyles, fine cut of cloth.
They all are men with stiff pricks all around.
Mine is the exception that lays limp
until a short skirt passes along the window.
Tight crotches, gleam cut goatees, trendy skids.
They all are my friends all secure in homogeneity.
Mine is the exception, sui generis
until the short skirt enters the building.
She sidles next to me,
twirls on the barstool,
and orders a sausage
with her lager.
I lean in to tell her
she’s in the wrong place
for wiener.
The sausages here are good, she winks.
I wouldn’t know, I shrug.
Enter the deepening night’s mandatory awkward moment.
Everyone is lost inside their sex,
Tongues probing
murmured exhalations
into ears and mouths.
Some liquor, a milky translucence,
bleeds down a chin,
to be brushed away
by a devil red tongue.
So, I say as she says, So.
Our laughter twists and twines,
the nervous moment shattered.
The room brightens.
I take you don’t graze with the herd, she smiles.
I’m like the sheepdog, I fumble, always-
-nipping at ankles, she finishes.
I can’t contain my giggles.
You could say that, I splutter.
So you came stag, she says. It was not a question.
The hubbub has raised,
The revelry hearkening
to the witching hour’s toll.
Passions are inflamed.
Voices chase ears, shouted.
In a soft corner there are moans,
and at the door a dispute groans.
The liquor light is sexy keen.
In more ways than one, I answer.
I’m the resident fag hag, she giggles.
Surprised our paths haven’t crossed.
We suck at our drinks in pleasant silence.
She raises her hand. I’m Charlie.
My dad always wanted a boy.
I take her hand.
I’m Charlie too, I say.
My dad always wanted a girl named Charlie.
A choked laugh: the bartender glares at her, wiping her beer from his shirt.
A transmigration has taken place,
the room growing larger and larger
as the decadent go off
in knotted pairs and staggered steps
Towards nightshroud sleeping chambers
or further depots of sin under the moon’s falling eye
where urges are wetly satisfied
or forgotten before the new day.
Bye, Charlie! Later, Charlie! Yowza, Charlie!
These, shouted across the way,
amuses us to no end.
Which Charlie, I quip!
With the odd couple nestled in booths
providing the white noise,
that old nervousness seeps in again.
Her almondite eyes glitter
in the twilight of last call.
She takes my hand, her lips forming a heart.
The De-Mojoing of the Author
I am a great artificer in a cut and paste world distilled through the funhouse maze labyrinth of my mind where a thing is reflected and re-reflected into splinters. My art is magic, the same kind of magic as prestidigitation, and shuffles unseen mortal coils down the galumphing gullets that fester flickering in the bath of neuroses encased by bone contouring the shape of my face. The universe, I solipismize, secretly fearing I am not really alone. What is it is transliterated to who is it. The pathways down from the hilled city are convulted, and at the bottom one despairs of ever returning home.
Accepted Submission at Mirror Dance
Accepted submission titled ‘The Fish and the Mermaid‘ for the Winter 2009 issue of Mirror Dance. The theme that runs through the stories is that of moonbeam ethereal penetrating a dense forest, descending until the silvery light fades, robbed by the swamp gas green of melancholy.
The Love Gun
Hearts in the night a shower of valentine sparks,
the soul romanced blistered with loving marks.
At the smoking gun a puff of sweet breath blows
from lips circling with the colorsmells of a rose.
She flees a furtive fugitive on wings of sparrows.
For love bullets an envious Cupid trades in his arrows
Zoning
“Hey, you!”
“Huh?”
“Quit playing with the fish and get back to work! I see you haven’t started zoning yet…”
“Sure I have! I’m zoning the fish.”
“Do you really expect to get that excuse past me?”
“I’m serious! The fish are all zoned. Look how I move my finger, and how they follow it, in a trance. See, they’re zoned.”
“You’re fired.”
Most readers might not appreciate this stupid little dialogue, but I imagine those who have had experience in retail probably will.
