Defined by your job?

Eileen at Dissertation Under Construction wrote a piece yesterday called Visibility and Women's Work that really struck a chord for me:

J has worked at a summer theater every summer since I moved to Overcast three and a half years ago, and usually it's great.  Long hours, but the people he works with are mostly fun and reasonably acquainted with the fact that graduate school is work, since some of them are thinking about grad school themselves.  Except for a few people, mostly straight men, who seem to think that intellectual work, especially done by a woman, is not work at all.  I'm aware that I'm extraordinarily privileged, in that my university gave me a funding package which allows me to solely work on my dissertation during the summers.  I don't have to pick up a second job or teach unless I choose to, so when we meet people for drinks after work or whatever, my answer to "what did you do today" is usually "read another book" and not "rigged 500 pounds of lights/built a giant platform for people to dance on." 

She is a grad student, academic and pretty awesome.  But her work isn't seen by some (mainly men) as real.  In my years with J, I've never heard anyone dismiss his work (theoretical physics mainly done from a couch) as fluff.  I couldn't do what she does, and without people like her the breadth and diversity of our knowledge base would dwindle.  Why is it that tasks are deemed less important when you have a woman do it?

I need to realize (and remember, and repeat to myself) that people who think like this are major douchebags, and I don't negotiate with douchebags.  It will still irk me, but I should correct them when I can and move along.

The things I like to do, that really bring me joy, are not what most people would call a career track.  I may never have a career in the sense that J has a career, but that doesn't mean I haven't done something with myself.   Eileen wrote about how what you do for money doesn't have to be what defines you.  It's great if it does, and defines you in a good way, but life isn't always work.

What I need to do is strengthen my non-"work" skills, so the after-work sphere of my life grows larger and more important.  People may not respect the things I like to do (sewing, sculpting) as real work, but I need to.  And I don't think I've been truly respecting my talents.

It's easier said than done, to not give credit to what others think of you.  But starting this summer, I'm going to try to not care.

Eat it, haters.

Oh here we go! A new word everybody! WINGSPOUSE(tm)

Alrighty, not only have a found a new term to replace our decrepit and roundly-hated trailing spouse, but it also offers a new direction! That is, no direction at all but to support your husband.  WINGSPOUSEe(tm)* is an executive help-meet, but who cares about concise vocabulary, when you don't need to worry about a pesky career anymore!

Can I be a wingspouse™ partner and still have a career?It’s possible to be employed outside of the home and still act like a wingspouse™ in some capacity. A few wingspouses are lucky enough to have a career that directly benefits the executive spouse. However, a true wingspouse™ is a full-time and equal partner to the executive. She enjoys being professionally challenged, but finds a separate career difficult because of executive career expectations, time demands, relocations, or family responsibilities. That’s just the nature of the beast. If this sounds like you, then you probably have the makings of a wingspouse.

Isn't WINGSPOUSE(tm) just another way of saying a woman's place is at her husband's side? Or the kitchen? Maybe I'm looking at this too harshly, but the solution here is not to find your own identity but to find a way to more successfully carve it out of his:

She enjoys the success of the executive’s career and actively participates in that success using her own unique set of skills.

Oy.  Over on the LA Times blog, one writer seems to think this is AWESOME (since when did married women not think being a good wife was important? Feminism doesn't mean marry a man just to torture him).

Wouldn't it be better for her spouse and children if she were to opt for a more traditional role — full-time wife, full-time mom, full-time writer of thank-you notes — a choice that continues to be embraced by many forces in our culture?

My head and my desk are having a party right now.  This is what I was talking about a few days about about not being able to surmount these ideas of traditional roles if I take one.  What also irks me is that it assumes a one-income household is possible for most people.

Good on her for making the website and trying to sell this idea, but WINGSPOUSE(tm) makes me want to WINGSPEW.

*It's all caps or go home. This website is crazy-pants.

Who cares what people think? The people being crapped on!

My biggest problem I struggle with on this blog is identity.  Now, identity doesn't have to do with anything outside of myself, so my problem is that I personally do tie outside opinion in with how I view myself.  If I didn't, then I'd say "fuck all!" to convention and do my thing.  I just have this niggling desire to change perceptions.

As to the title, it's easy to say, "Just be yourself!" when who you are isn't questioned or judged by society at large.  Fargo Kidder*, from yesterday's guest post, wrote about how wanting to work from home and have a craft business is very tied to women who have children, and include that in their blogging.  It's assumed that a woman with her own business is being supported by a husband, or is doing it while she's taking care of kids.  There is nothing wrong with doing those things, and you don't need to hear it from me.  It's the assumption that galls me.

How is it possible not to stumble under the weight of assumptions?  What would happen if the weight was lifted?

I want to smash that assumption. I want to rend the connotations from the things I want to do that genders them female, that presupposes I can't do things on my own, that says they are less valuable than things a man does, that assumes working from home means you don't have a real job**.  I want to stand as an example of being just as independent, industrious and fucking awesome as men are assumed to be by default.  I want to live my live as a person, not a marked other. 

Problem is, one can't live her live a monolith, especially if no one's looking.  And all this shit I don't like isn't going to change in my lifetime, so I should probably do a little of what I wanna do and not care about what people think.  When I first started reading about feminism, I was so angry (as well a person should be) but it took me a while to  learn to temper my anger with the wrongs of the world with happiness of what's right, and that was a painful time.  You can only fight against bad stuff for so long if you don't take time for some good stuff.  You'll burn out.

I only have one life, and I need two.  One to smash through the glass ceiling, and another to enjoy the fresh air above it.

*I'm still gagging at how bad that pseudonym is. Never let me make them up for you.

**Why is everything we do have to be tied with being mothers?  Even if it has nothing to do with children? 

Role Models: Lizard Lady sends me to college

In this series of posts, I'll be posting about people who've given me good advice and set me on the track to where I am now. I'll be using pseudonyms and pictures that describe them, but it'll be pretty much anonymous. You'll know who you are!


My senior year, I was pretty busy with drama club, journalism and songwriting, but otherwise I was a ne'er-do-well, padding my semesters with lots of "teacher's aide" hours that served as excuses for me to escape campus for lunch and guitar store hangouts.  My Fall semester, I got pulled out of my anatomy class* by my English teacher.  She and said anatomy teacher wanted to nominate me for the Earthwatch Student Challenge Awards. This was ostensibly a program to convince artsy kids that science wasn't scary, and involved a trip to some nature-y place to work with a scientist.  I was flattered that they picked me, but waited til the last minute to write an essay.  A few weeks later I learned I'd gotten in, and would be flown to Arizona for three weeks.  It would be the summer after graduation, so I'd already be getting ready to spend major time away from my family.   I was excited about traveling, but still not sold on science**.

Kiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiids

Two people have asked me (in just the last three days) if I'm going to have children.  Granted, one was a man from Yemen and one was a nurse, but WTF, mates?  For the latter, I'd gone in for a non-baby prescription refill and a problem with my toenail.  Babies? What?

Having children is something I've thought of. A lot.  I've read lots of books. I read blogs.  I talk to people my age and older who are parents.  I'm not shying away from the subject.  J and I talked about having kids before we decided to get married, and one of the things that attracted me to him was that he would make a really good father*.

My doctor asked me if I was thinking about having kids, and I told her I had an IUD that was good for another three years.  She said, "Well that could be taken out today!" And I replied, "BUT IT'S GOOD FOR FIVE YEARS AND THAT'S WHY I HAD IT PAINFULLY THRUST INTO MY UTERUS."  Ok, I did not all-caps at her, but I was flustered. I gave her my reasons why it's not something I personally wanted to do yet, reasoned arguments about pursuing my interests, spending time with my spouse and keeping my body mine.**  Her response and tone made me gag a little:

"Well, that's just the educated person talking".

Let me remind readers that I work on a college campus and this was the campus clinic.  She went on to say that most parents never crack a book about it and do just fine.  I couldn't shake the feeling that she was on the "Just jump in!" bandwagon.  Regardless of my want for children? Our financial readiness? Lady, love doesn't keep anyone alive. Especially in this economy.  I usually really like this APN, but she sounded judgy and I kept expecting her to say, "You'll change your mind!" which is incredibly rude.  How do you know my mind better than me?  Or worse, what if I change my mind after I have a baby?  No one ever tells a woman who wants kids that she'll regret it one day, that she'll change her mind or that she's selfish. These are common slurs tossed at childfree women.  To pull a comment from Where are the child-free role-molels?"

When I was growing up people kept saying "you'll change your mind". I wonder how many folks ever tell reproduction-inspired young women that they might someday "change their minds".

When I was younger, I never said things like, "I will never have kids", because I realized that I was still turning into the woman I'd become.  Almost 30, I'm pretty sure I'm almost a finished entity. And I'm slowly becoming more interested in spending the rest of my life with J and only J.  If that's what we decide to do, you can bet that I'll be berated but no one will probably question his decision.

No Kidding: On being childfree and really liking kids
A typical dose of judgment in which I wonder if this person is really trying to convince herself.
Why is it selfish to be child-free?
A whole series parodying that selfish "bitch" who chose not to have children!
That really depressing NYTimes article about unhappy parents (does not apply to everyone but gives me pause)
9 Reasons to Have/13 to not

None of what I'm saying is to judge anyone for having kids.  I wish I had a drive to do it, and maybe I will later.  But if I don't, I'd like to live my life happily without anyone telling me what I'm missing.  I already get that from meat-eaters.  All. The. Time.  This subject has just been so front-and-center for me lately.  All my lady-blogs are blowing up with it, people I know, friend's parents. The only person who hasn't really bugged me is my mom***.

*I was shelving books in the Parenting & Childbirth section of my library at the time, so it's not as weird as it sounds.
**I am not saying a pregnant woman or mother does not have bodily autonomy. I am frightened of mother mortality and icky American birth practices/attitudes.
***Who was put on a 5-year grandbaby moratorium the day of my wedding. She has kept her promise.

CPCs and Jesus's career as a gyno

Well guess what-- Jesus isn't a gynecologist. You'd be surprised, though, how often his name is spoken to women in supposed "crisis pregnancy centers" as a part of the counseling session for abortions, birth control, or STI testing.  There are a few of these in my town, and when I first heard the term CPC, I did some research to root them out.  It's pretty much made me distrust any logo with a butterfly. (Look for yourself to see if you have any masquerading in your town).


One of my student employees asked to talk to me in my office today.  She's come in to get things off her chest before, and I appreciate that she feels safe enough at work and close enough with me to let me know when personal stuff may intrude on work.  We don't gab about boys, but if there's a problem, she'll let me know and ask my advice.  This is one more situation that makes me realize I am an adult now, whether I like it or not, and I hope I'm up to the challenge.


Seems that yesterday she went to a free clinic for an STI test (I applauded her responsibility) and quickly found out it was a CPC.  She had a little inkling that they existed, but had looked at their website and didn't find anything that sounded, as she said, "Jesus-y".   She's a strong young woman, so she didn't cow to their judgment, and they are very lucky she didn't bring out the temper than can be the bane of a customer service job.  She knew what she was there for and what they were supposed to give, so she waited for the spiel to be over and left.  They told her the results might take 6 weeks.  That made me raise my eyebrows, so I looked it up:

It usually takes about 48 hours to get the results of a STD test. Some tests like the one for syphilis takes about seven to 10 days. HIV test results can be obtained within three days. Chlamydia and gonorrhea test results take about a week. Tests done to check HIV infection can also provide information regarding the presence of some other STDs in the body. A urine and blood sample is usually taken during STD check-up. Symptoms like spots, wounds and sores are also looked into. -link

I told her that since she was dubious about their practices and unprofessional behavior, she should go to the county health clinic.  I said it might not be full of butterflies and people to hold your hand, but they're professionals and will get the job done, in less than six weeks (for chris'sakes).  We had a talk about being an adult and making decisions about your health, and she was on the same page but wanted some backup.  So I backed her up, as feminist as I pleased.

Of course, while taking blood for the STI test, they insisted she get a pregnancy test since she was there.  Fortunately for her, she's ok.  Unfortunately for them, they won't be able to force a woman to talk about a fetus she doesn't want to carry.  She said she wouldn't go back, and I suggested she let her girlfriends know what it is, and they can make that decision for themselves.  With everything a young woman in college has on her mind, the last thing she needs is a stranger pretending to help but really offering judgment.  I'm glad she got out of there, and I hope she turns out ok.

Her 'counselor' didn't know the difference between the uterus and cervix. Bad sign.

Please remember that Planned Parenthood will help you do whatever you decide is best and will not judge you.  They are a medical provider for safe, common and legal procedures as well as normal exams, sexual health and birth control.  And if you still want to go to a CPC for free services if you can't get them at PP, remember that you have the right to autonomy and respect.  If they ask to pray for you, tell them they're free to as you are walking away.

Resources about CPCs:

Feministe
Wikipedia
NARAL
Footage of service at a CPC
CPC Watch: Exposing fake clinics
True/False on Abortion Counseling from Guttmacher Institute

Happy International Women's Day!

Here's a little quote from Sady Doyle of Tiger Beatdown, telling you to wave your feminism flag high and don't worry about being the epitome of feminism or stamping out every single wrong all at once or you're not doing it right:

sometimes, the bravest and most activist thing you do — and the most annoying, if you’re into that sort of thing — is to just step out there and be as feminist as you please, all on your own [emphasis mine]

Be yourself.  Or if you're not happy with how you've been being, be better.  Do new things until you find the things that make you feel good and smile when you catch yourself in the mirror.  Fashion is not always important, but wear something that makes you walk tall.  Eat.  Eat for health and eat for pleasure and don't apologize for it. Go take just one bellydance class.  Do this, you'll thank me I swear.

 Remember that at the end of the day, even ladies you don't like very much are your allies, and if you think really hard you might like them more than you think.  Re-think statements like, "I like being friends with men better" and ask yourself a lot of questions.

Ask lots of questions-- do not be quiet!  Being quiet gets us in a lot of trouble, even if being loud does, too.  Voices carry.

Remember that it's OK to be proud if there's centuries or millennia of history where you were devalued. Be valued now.  It's OK to be proud of good things, and remember that the definition of good is changing for the better.

If you are paying attention, you will be mad a lot.  It's OK to be mad-- it isn't your period, and when it is, that's OK too.

Remember that though the patriarchy is full of grade-A powerful douchebags, but it's more full of dudes who don't know any better, and they are capable of change. Also there are LOTS of guys in there who are great, who are feminists, who aren't feminists yet.  And all of them can be.  And when they all are, and we all are, we won't need the word anymore except to look back and remember how it used to be.

This is what a feminist looks like: Gabby Schultz

This is the last post of the day, promise.  I'm going on a trip to Michigan for a wedding, and I'm pretty sure I won't have time for thoughtful posts.

Yesterday I received a tube in the mail, filled with a color print of one of the best comics ever: How every single discussion of sexism and woman-type stuff on the internet (and real life) has ever happened and ever will happen, always, forever, until the earth finally falls into the sun. (Or until the patriarchy is dismantled).  Gabby Schultz is a man, and I think statements like this from men are very, very important.  This is not to say that the many pieces and speeches made by women about internet misogyny are not important.  They are, and I'm glad every time I hear one because I can say, "See! This happens! And it is totally shitty!" But since the shit is almost always coming from men/boys, to hear one of them put his put down is great.  Feminism is not a fight we can fight without men.  We need the men to come along with us.  If it wasn't possible for men to be feminist, we'd be fucked.  Herland sounded great, but men are people, and I like people, and we need them.

Here is the comic, which you should read:

If you are a lady on the internet who has ever said anything on the internet and other people could tell you were a lady, you have experienced this. Or you've witnessed it happening to other ladies. It has happened so bad to other women that some of them had to leave the internet, because they were threatened with physical violence.

The origin of this comic is a simple, true comment made by comic artist Kate Beaton (creator of Hark! A Vagrant!), after several "compliments" from readers saying they wanted to marry her and have her babies (or, her to have their babies as it were). She responded by saying (in brief) that those aren't compliments and do more harm than good. Compliment the talent, not the gender/looks of a person. You can read a great synopsis of the blow-up that ensued here and here.

I love Kate Beaton's work, and I'd already read Schultz's memoir/educational book about herpes, Monsters.  I love it when two creators I like converge, but this was an unfortunate way to.

After the comic got 666 comments (seriously, before he had to just shut it down) he decided to make some prints, one of which I was delighted to purchase so people may gaze upon it and go, "Huh, I guess that's right".  And when I opened the tube, there was also this:

Signed drawing by Gabby Schultz, just for me!!!!

When men speak up about sexism, they are not losing anything that they shouldn't already have, but giving others what they should.  If by being kind and respectful to women makes you lose something, then it was not something you probably want to keep.

To end, I will leave you with a Kate Beaton comic, that is pertinent to history (of course), computers and reminds me that International Women's Day is coming up on March 8th.

Kate Beaton's 'Young Ada Lovelace'.

Video time!*

J showed me some videos from Hennesy Youngman, a guy wearning Cosby sweaters and gold chains and explaining art better than any of my artsy friends (no offense artsy friends, but I didn't have a single art theory/history class in college).  I know this is tongue-in-cheek, but start off an art history class with this, and you'll have everyone listening to what comes next:

J's been making homemade yogurt lately, and it is the bomb.  I like yogurt on occasion, but I'm seldom tempted to buy fridge-fulls of little plastic yogurts and eat orgasmically while twirling in a field of flowers. That's how it's done, right? Here's Sarah Haskin's debut Target:Women video about yogurt.  It is so true:

 

Listening to Genghis Tron.  I'm not sure if it's to annoy my boss, or so I can concentrate. I like voices, but I don't like to listen to music with recognizable lyrics while I'm working.  I never listened to metal until I met J, but it's mostly for atmosphere than pure musical enjoyment.  My mind doesn't totally get it as music, but I respect the art form.

*Nothing to do with trailing/traveling spouses.  Feminist issues, though, abound. Talk amongst yourselves!

The scale of opportunity

More blog-searching today (and somehow this is a productive day at work) and I found a "trailing spouse" blog, albeit an expat* one.  She doesn't like the term trailing spouse either**, but her blog is endlessly positive:

As a trailing spouse, identity can be a tough thing (because if you're like me, that last thing you want to be called is a "trailing spouse"). But if the career you had before isn't going to work out abroad (or you lose yours via a layoff like me), maybe there's something else you'd love to do and try. Maybe, in fact, this is your big opportunity for that something you used to put on hold. 

Chantal at One Big Yodel 

I don't want my opportunity, a positive thing, tinged with the fact that I only have it because it's the consolation prize for having no control***.  Here's my internalized misogyny (it's just popping up way too much this week) again, in that I can't see my worth if I didn't come to it myself, as if taking that opportunity is just backsliding into a dependent female role. I don't, however, feel this way when it comes to education.  If J was working and I was going back to school or taking classes in whatever field I settle on, that feels ok. But if it's to start an Etsy or make Halloween costumes (traditionally female pursuits) it's not.  See what I did there?  Thanks world.  You've made me a woman-hater.

How do I cleanse my mind of these tendencies?  I feel fucked all-around.  And I haven't even touched upon the stink of privilege in all this.

*I'm more interested in domestic relocation.
**Yeah, I changed my title again, because no one's going to find this blog otherwise.
***I'm speaking for myself, not Chantal.  She has her shit together.

My Mom: The Original Traveling Spouse

Inside my mother's jewelry box

This is hard to write about: my mom was a traveling spouse once, but I rarely think of her as a reference and I've only talked to her about these issues a few times.  She did a great job raising us and is a fantastic woman, but something in me doesn't want to admit we're in the same situation or want the same things.  I'm sure she didn't appreciate being moved from her friends and family into a shitty small town where she knew no one, but I feel like I've got that pressure plus the pressure to do something with myself despite the tenuousness of my geography.  But damnit, didn't she feel that same pressure?

Why do I have the right to say she's trailing instead of traveling? She probably wouldn't have much of a problem with that term, except for the Human Resource-y nonsense of it, since she knew what she was signing up for getting married in a conservative area in the 70's.  My mom's public and private stance on women's rights is different, but she has unequivocally stated throughout my life that a man is the head of a house, and women should not lead in church congregations.  When I had to interview her for a class project in 7th grade, she said she did not believe in feminism*.

It's hard to reconcile these things when you've known a person to be independent, strong, argumentative and (mostly) pro-choice.  She's worked on and off at different clerical jobs and held volunteer positions on many non-profit boards, but without a good retirement fun from my father, she would be without funds or resume.  I'm not saying she hasn't worked-- she raised two children, very well and keeps a beautiful, comfortable and organized house.  Since my father's quintuple by-pass in 2000, she's been a nurse, dietitian, physical therapist and chef.  She made herself into a fixture of the volunteer community in her town, and it's hard to find someone who doesn't know her (or who hasn't heard of her).

Part of me says, "But she could do all those things anywhere," and another says, "So could you". Yet another part (I'm in lots of pieces today) reminds me that it's hard to leave your community no matter what your job was (at home or out of it).

Readers out there know there's a bit of rebellion in this, or my need to not follow in my mother's footsteps.  Her babying of my father, outright refusal of feminism and the right of women to lead religious services was always baffling to me, she who told me I could be anything I wanted to be.  Except for what caveats?  There's a huge chip on my shoulder, but it's a shared chip with all the other women in my generation.  Do what we want to do, or worry that what we want to do is just a result of society's influence on us? I want to be a mother someday (maybe....) but I don't want to be labeled as a mother.  I want to do it without the resulting diminishment in society's eyes**.

But other than the low worth given to women/mothers by our society, am I attributing negative attributes to motherhood because of my own fraught relationship with my mother?

Stay tuned, kids. This is the first time I've delved into these waters, so I think I should do it a little at a time.
 

*I did not have the vocabulary to argue this at the time, and it would be years before I would call myself a feminist.
**Oh yeah, internalized misogyny checking in.  But you know what I'm saying. This culture does not respect women, and it certainly doesn't respect mothers.

Livid and inarticulate: Planned Parenthood Funding Axed in Budget Cuts

The House voted today to stop federal funding of Planned Parenthood.  The vote passed 240-185.  That means 10 Democrats voted for this?  Planned Parenthood (bless them, fund them, donate to them) gets one third of their funding from the government. And I never thought that I'd link to Fox News, but there's an article about how a proposal from Betty McCollum (D-MN) about cutting Nascar funding (WTF) was voted down, while cutting family planning funds down.  Drag racing up, women's lives down!  I'm trying to track down how representatives in Arkansas voted, but I know it's not good.  What can you do? Sign a stupid internet petition, write a real letter, call, show up in person with a sign? Right now, bills are being crafted that will make it ok for a person to kill a doctor for performing an abortion if that person is doing it to save the fetus's life [Update: it's gone now, but why did it exist in the first place???].  It is all I can do to not send emails to all representatives in AR that just say "YOU FUCKING SUCK".  I know it's not the end, but really? Birth control for horses, but not for human women.

Never let anyone say that there is no need for feminism anymore. Make them explain why.  Make them explain this. And this. And this.

Glee: Yer Doin It Rong

I'm a little late saying anything about last week's Valentine's Day episode of Glee. Not that anyone was on tenterhooks waiting on my grand decree...

Ashley Fink (Lauren Zizes) in the middle, with Chris Colfer and Amber Riley. Image from Wetpaint

I was a huge Glee fan during the first season, because they pushed some boundaries and introduced more diverse characters*.  Not as good as Huge, but still pretty dern good.  Sure, they did some questionable stuff, but how could you stay mad at a show with gay teenagers, ambiguous sexuality, plus size ladies, several differently-abled characters, teen pregnancy realism (sort of) and unbridled female determination?  Yeah, the second season turned around and slushied all of that (fat phobia, genderqueer hate, misogyny, slut-shaming).  Ok, perhaps that existed the whole time, but it felt like an envelope was being pushed right? Maybe just a small envelope?

Sometimes I find it mind-boggling how some jokes get through without someone calling foul, but entire plotlines? This episode found Puck, the bad-boy character, suddenly falling in love with the newest Glee-member, Lauren Zizes (played by Ashely Fink, from Huge!!). She's been a pretty fantastic recurring character though the show's run, but unfortunately the show's creators aren't content with her being an awesome, mouthy wrestler-lady, they have to always film her eating (close-up on her mouth) and milk the fat jokes for all they're worth.  They brought her on as a main cast member, but so far have made everything about her weight.

The show starts with Puck staring at Lauren while a voiceover says, "You can't choose who you fall in love with."  Really? That's how you're going to start this?  Would they have used that line if he was staring at Quinn?  First "ugh".

Lauren gets a main part in this episode, where Puck decides he wants her after she tells him she doesn't want him.  I immediately thought, is this supposed to be an interesting plot because he wouldn't normally go out with a fat girl?**  I felt really bad making that connection., but not so fast, brain-- he goes on to tell her several times he likes her because of her curves and body, even once saying he likes her despite her curves.  And then he serenades her in the choir room in front of the whole Glee Club-- with "Fat Bottomed Girls" by Queen.  I really liked this song until this episode.  The whole club was clapping along and having a great time, while Lauren sat silently.

The song ends and she tells him, "That was the first time anyone ever sang me a love song. And it made me feel like crap".  Ok, maybe someone will learn a lesson: like someone for who they are, not for their body type.  Don't reduce a person to a body part.  Don't tell someone they're attractive despite something you don't like.  Don't make your attraction sound like a kink (unless you're just going for some kinky fun times, of course).  They end up on a date by the end, but you never hear Puck say that he understands that she wants to be loved for who she is, not because he's suddenly curious about big beautiful ladies.

Fink peeking at other Huge cast members. Really, if you haven't watched this excellent, short-lived show, do so now.

Leslie at Two Whole Cakes (lovely blog) saw the song as awesome and empowering, and I'm glad that some good can come out of this episode that was played so cheaply for fat-laughs.  But I saw it as sexual tourism, not to another country, but another body type.  He's wowed by her body and the way she rejects him, and that just doesn't stack up very romantically in my mind.  He plys her constantly with food.  He assumes she doesn't want to go out with him because "guys like [him]" have hurt her before.  Ugh ugh ugh.  I wish some lesson had been learned, and that we don't have to wonder if Lauren is always wondering if he loves her as a person or a body.  But Glee isn't great on lessons, really. My favorite quote EVER about Glee's shortcomings is from Satah at This Ain't Living: 
SUGGESTED AD CAMPAIGN FOR GLEE: remember that one time you liked what we did? We take it back!

I've obviously been thinking about this awful episode too much, and should not be expending my valuable (limited?) thought resources on a teen musical dram-edy.  I want more diversity on TV where the character's non-white/hetero/thin/cis identity is NOT all the writers can think of.

And this is what he could have sung and it wouldn't have been as bad, but still pushing it:

*If I use any terms that are not ok, PLEASE TELL ME.  I'm not always sure, and I try to look everything up and get the terms right.  I'm not asking for a 101, just a helpful nudge.
**Don't think I'm fat-hating by saying that. In the context of the episode, with the writer's obsession about her weight/eating food, it's obvious that's the direction they're taking. And in 2011, it's just sad that this is still how TV works.

Guest Post: Freeze-dried

Freeze-Dried is a female grad student on-her-way-out-of-the-twenties. She's into SF/F, food, hugs and some (albeit very little) exercise. She is Mostly Harmless and can be reached at frozendry.at.gmail.com.

Dear A.b.,

Ever since you’ve invited me to do a guest post in this space, I’ve been wondering about what I can say as a traveling spouse that you haven’t already – incredibly honestly and eloquently – addressed.  And I’m convinced that I can’t do an abstract idea-post related to being a traveling spouse*. My solution, forgive my indulgence, is to focus on me.

A couple of years ago, I decided to follow my partner, (not just because it is the right thing to do**), but because I wanted to***. At the time, although I was in a job that I thoroughly enjoyed, I hadn’t really begun to think of it as a career. After an initial wave of uncomfortable dependence (that passed with support from the spouse), I eventually maneuvered my way into my first unplanned “home-maker” year. I learnt to cook. I also learnt how not to trip over one’s laundry, and how to fold clothes (no, it is an ancient art, really) and sometime down that road, found out that I really wanted to find a career in the academe.

But more recently - sometime over the Christmas break, actually - I discovered that a lot of who I am has come to be built around one relationship. To most people that meet me now, I’m a spouse before I’m a person, much more in fact than P is. This is significantly different from our pre-travelling situation. Back then (it does feel like ages ago), I was an individual / a woman before anything else. I suspect a lot of this difference has to do with having chosen a dependent life.

Between commuting to work, hanging out with P and getting stuff done for school, for want of both time and interest, I do very little else. Consequently, new people meet me as a role rather than as a person. On the other hand, P, given the nature of his job and of our situation still has a more independent life than me. For instance, he meets people at his workplace as a so-and-so-specialist and the dynamics of a job allow for development of (a certain kind of) familiarity, while grad school can be very immersive and isolating.

Anyway, people meet P as an individual / a man before meeting him as a spouse.

[Okay, now is a good time for that interjection: P works his job (although he’d rather be pursuing his art), so that we can have the life that we do. For this, he has my highest respect. I must clarify that this post should in no way suggest that he is insensitive or otherwise oblivious to my concerns.]

Meet my freaking-the-fuck-out moment: In my own mind, I have become a spouse who is incidentally, doing other things.

Self, meet Insecurity. Insecurity, meet Self.

For me, this realization has been attended by some seriously debilitating angst, helplessness, and – surprise, surprise, possessiveness – the kind that has, in the past, made me run in the opposite direction. Coming to terms with this idea (that despite all the things I do, even I think of myself as a spouse first) hasn’t been easy. It means un-learning some things and re-learning some others. It means walking out of this comfort zone of a secure and familiar identity (that I didn't even realize I was building) and learning to be at home with the unknown. And perhaps most scarily, it means having to do this – being a traveling spouse – without losing myself.

A dear friend (who re-appeared quite of the blue to buoy me through this very personal crisis) said, “Being possessive is okay. But what matters is what you do when they’re around and what you do with yourself when they are not.” All suggestiveness aside, that’s my new goal. Yes, with the traveling spouse deal as it is, I don’t necessarily know how, if at all, I can have a completely independent identity without going back to a non-nomadic lifestyle. Hell, I don’t even know how I’m going to work at this.

But, I’m determined to atleast try.

Footnotes: 

*’cause almost everything about being one is so personal, init?

**Which is an expectation where I come from

*** A complete distrust of long-distance relationships may also have had something to do with this decision.

(Freeze-dried)

Yay! Step one! Eat it, Boehner and Shitty Democrats!

The various campaigns to strike a re-definition of rape from HR3 have had their first success: the wording has been taken out, but it's still a heinous bill.  Laugh at twitter, but it can get fiery.  Keep calling and writing your senators and don't stop thinking about people who have less than you-- be that money, privilege, access or power-- and how this affects them.  Here's some Kristen Schaal on The Daily Show to remind us all how effing stupid and mean people can really be.  J just declared this video "semi-epic".  I agree:

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Rape Victim Abortion Funding
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor & Satire Blog The Daily Show on Facebook

Tiger Beatdown's latest post has the list of the shitty Dems who decided to vote yes on HR3, one of which is, of course, from Arkansas.  Hello Mike Ross!  So, I went to his website to see if I could shoot off a "You sir, are a douchebag" letter, and lo and behold, even if you type in a zipcode that applies to his district, you still can't send an email.  The contact form just loops back to the same spot, and the code is messed up.  So, if you can hear this, MIKE ROSS, YOU SIR, ARE A DOUCHEBAG.  I spare no eloquence in these matters.

Going back to work tomorrow, just in time to start dreaming about the weekend. Thanks snow!

John Boehner, "Rape-rape", and what we can do about it

*Trigger warning*

Top-priority in this country, in John Boehner's POV, is changing the definition of rape.  Not for the better, mind you, but to make sure that less women are covered for government-funded abortions that result from sexual assault.  You probably read about "rape-rape" during the latest surge of the Polanski debate, but now our politicians are seriously differentiating a violent assault from date rape, statutory and coercion.   The way it's been, only rape and incest are covered by the government for abortion funding. So to further whittle that down, the Repubs want to define what "kind" of rape they're willing to include in this exemption.  Drugged? No. Unconscious and woke up with someone inside you that you did not consent to?  Young teen molested by your stepdad? No. No.

Rape is rape. There is not "rape-ier" rape. There is no tiered system.  There is abuse and hopefully there is help, but many people in government want to take away the second option.

Sady Doyle of Tiger Beatdown has started another twitter campaign, and if you smirk at that kind of idea, that's fine, but it works to get the word out (@JohnBoehner, #DearJohn).  Write to your representatives about this, tweet about it, write about it, and don't let it go down silently.  It isn't hard-- fill out a form, tell them what you think about what's happening.  A redefinition of rape is terrible in terms of abortion coverage, but it may have far-reaching legal implications that will obviously not help survivors and victims.

Think about how fucking awful any sexual assault is, then think about being told you weren't raped enough to get government assistance. And you can't afford an abortion on your own.  Or raise a child. This makes me so ashamed of our country right now.

Link Love: The Smart Expat

I was quoted on The Smart Expat today, in a post questioning the need for a name.  I still consider myself new to this game, so the idea of having a place to talk about my feelings and belonging to a group is still tender in my heart:

For those of us who are new to a the idea that our spouse or partner’s career is going to lead us to new places and to circumstances which involve putting our own careers, dreams and ambitions on hold, giving those common circumstances a name gives us the opportunity to know that the emotions we’re experiencing are commonly experienced by people who make the life changes we have made.  It lets us know that in circumstances where much of what we find comfortable, supportive and familiar is no longer available, we are not alone.

"Because we ARE special!", The Smart Expat 

When a problem has no name, it's hard for people to find each other and get help about it.  And this problem is not new.  

Geez, name yourself already. Are you really going to agree to "Moon Child"?

Walk, Bike, Ride

Renee at Womanist Musings posted a video of Judith Butler and Sunaura Taylor taking a walk and talking about what that means when a person isn't literally "walking", and about disability and social acceptance.  This is not a subject I know very much about, but I do think about mobility often as I am walking around my neighborhood and to work.  We live near enough our workplaces to walk or ride a bike, and are lucky to have a nearby bus stop when it is not comfortable to do either.  There is an old apartment complex a few blocks away that houses mostly older people and many war veterans.  I see them in motorized wheelchairs, oftentimes riding in the road because the sidewalks are not even or there are no curb cuts.  The first time I saw it happen, I was annoyed, but now I think about how scary it must be to ride in the road (just as some cyclists are scared) but have no other option, because the sidewalks are only usable to those who can step up and down, and over obstructions.

I feel very lucky that we have so many options of getting around. In the morning I just have to pick what kind of shoes to wear that day, and that is how I decide how to get around.  When we move, I know the chances are pretty small that we'll have such a good location.  I just hope we don't have to buy a second car.  That makes me frown just typing it.

This is a reminder to think about what sidewalks are for and that many differently-abled people need to be able to use them.  I need to remember this when I pull my car into my tiny, steep driveway, so the end isn't sticking in the sidewalk. If you have a sidewalk around your house/apartment, get some hedge trimmers and make sure there isn't any vegetation that would block the way, or cause someone to step into the road.  I know as a pedestrian, it bugs the shit out of me.  If people leave their garbage cans turned over in the way, move them.  If they keep doing that, move them LOUDLY.  Yeah, I'm the person that's doing that.

Here is a  "passive aggressive note" about blocking walkways (I think it's wonderful) that the car owner didn't really understand.

People! In my blog!

Oh goodness.  Hello everybody! I am sitting in a coffee shop silently bonding with J. as he does work (not distracting him of course) and when I checked my page views (ok, yes, I do that too frequently) I saw 98 people had come today.  Total flabbergastment ensued.  It seems a bigwig has linked to me on her/his twitter account, who blogs on the same blog as Comrade Physioprof (Drug Monkey on Science Blogs), who I remember is a huge commenter on feminist blogs from when I first started reading them.  I feel touched by greatness. What a Saturday morning!  If anyone is here who is married to an academic, welcome welcome welcome and I hope my ramblings set you at ease.  If you are an academic, please don't be offended by my whining.  I have learned so much since I started this blog.  If you are here because you love feminism, crafts, or the Alien franchise, I hope to not disappoint.

I read books!

I've gone to the gym three times this week, and since I overdid it on squats (trying to impress a new friend, silly I know) so I think I'll take today off.  I was having a really hard time at the beginning of the week letting the sads get to me, but I've kept myself too busy since then to get down.  It also helps when I am reading a book-- make that TWO books that have me taking longer 15-minute breaks than I should: Jane Eyre and The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo.

I started reading Jane Eyre when I was 15 or 16, but got distracted by other things.  Then in my senior year of college, I was in a Women in Modernism class (woefully unprepared) where we read Jean Rhys's Wide Sargasso Sea.  Not only was I completely adrift in modernist and feminist theory, it was a novel from the perspective of Rochester's first wife in Jane Eyre.  Since I had never read the first book, I was not exactly sure how to grasp the second. So, I am reading that first classic and going back and reading Wide Sargasso Sea.  I'm surprised how much I like it, but if you'd ever seen me watching a Jane Austen film adaptation, you can imagine I'm slack jawed with anticipation or talking out loud to the characters.  I started reading it again with the awareness of how mental illness and race is treated in it, and I feel bad about how much I am enjoying it (not the racism or ablism).  From a feminist perspective, Jane is in turn very independent and knows who she is, but her attachment to Rochester is kind of gross if you step back and look at it.  But, as patronizing as he speaks to her, when he called her his "little mustard seed", it makes my heart wiggle.  Humans are strange things.

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo was a really great movie, and is an even better book.  I am so happy it's a trilogy.  I will admit I was a snob at first, avoiding it because it sounded like a trendy Young Adult novel about one more mysterious beautiful lady who is magic, ignoring her as a person and casting her as a mystery*.  Not so!  Lisbeth Salander, the books' female protagonist, is neck and neck with Ellen Ripley right now.  I am glad she exists.  She is smart, independent, and flawed. Bad shit has happened to her.  She's reacted in ways that I do not agree with but understand.  The books are about murder, dysfunctional families, ethics, journalism, mysteries, technology and a little romance.  I cannot recommend them enough.  I'm excited about a weekend with no plans and this and Jane Eyre in my hands.

Once I get up the front steps of my house (with my legs killing me from those damned squats) I will post myself on the couch and not get up until Monday morning.

*The original title in Swedish is Män som hatar kvinnor, which translates to "Men who hate women".  It's interesting to see how things get changed for an American audience. I think that would have perked my ears.