GonewiththeRainySeason

WrittenbyEchoChen
TranslatedbyAnnaZhou

Forwhoknowhowmanydays,Iseemtoalwayswakeinthemorningtothefalling
rain.Outsidethewindow,theskiesaretheirusualheavy,heavygreywithouttheraysof
dawn,withoutthewind,withoutthecallofbirds.Thesmalltreesinthebackyardstandasif
in solitude amidst the rain. There is the sight of small streams traveling down every
windowpane.Otherthanthepitterpatteroftherain,noothersoundscanbeheard.Inthis
hour,everythingisstill.
Iputonmyclotheswhilethinkingabouttodaysexam,thinkingaboutmybeloved
Pei.Mymoodsinkswithoutareason,andthereisnomotivationformetoblamethistypeof
season.
Lastnight,thelampinmyroombroke.Usingthisasanexcuse,Ideliberatelywentto
bedearly.Ididntevenfeelliketouchingmynotesfromclass,letalonethenumerousnovels
Iwassupposedtoread.Atthetime,thetelevisionwasplayingaWesternfilm.Iwaslyingin
thedarkonmybed,andattimesIwouldhearthesoundofmusic,dialogueandgunshots,and
Iwouldfeelatraceofhazyjoy.Atthetime,myexamseemedunimportant,likesomething
thatwouldneverhappen,anditfeltliketomorrowwouldnevercome.Iwouldlieinthe
darknessforever,andwhetherornotPeiwouldcomeandfindmewouldbecomeirrelevant.
Itisonlytheseasonthatiscausingusdistressaslongasthishasbeenunderstood,evenif
thetruthiswehavebrokenup,itisnothingbuttherainthatiscausingourdepression.
WheneverIwakeupinthemorning,Ialwaysliketoexaminemyselfcloselyin
mirror.Thereflectionofmeinthebathroommirrorshowsastrangeritisabizarremoment.
WhenIwakeup,myheartisdefenseless,andthestrangerreflectedatmeinthebathroom
mirrorisalsodefenseless.IliketoimmerseonehandinthewaterwhileIlookatmyself,
softlycallingoutmyownnamethepersoninthemirrortodayisnotme,butthegirlwho
yearnswithherwholeheartforPei.Ilookatmyself,attheeyesthatlongforPei.Ioften
cannotresistthetemptationofstayinginthatmoment,upuntilIhearthesoundofwaterfrom
anotherbathroomwhenmymotherorbrotherstartstoshower.Asifaspellisbroken,Iwill
suddenlyrememberwhoIam,andwhatIhavetodo.Iwillrushtodrinkacupofhoney
water,grabmybooksandheadout.
IcouldntfindanappropriatepairofshoeswhenIwasonmywayoutthismorning;I
wasntcarefulenoughwhenwalkingthroughthewetgroundintherain,andmyusualpairof
shoeswerecompletelysoaked.Icouldonlywearapairofbrownsandals.Thissmallsetback
inthemorningmademefeelalittledepressed,butsteppingontothewetstreetsinthese
sandalsduringtheearlymorningturnedouttobesurprisinglyenjoyable.WhenItookthe
pedicabtothebusstop,theskywasstillsogreythatyoucouldnottellthetime.Therain
madeeverythingoutsideofthepedicabsilent,andIcouldntseeanyevidentsignsofthe
usuallifeofthecityaroundme.Afewyoungboysplacedpaperboatsinasmallgutterfilled
withrainwaterbytheroad,anoldwastecollectorstandsonthepavementlistlessly,anda
wholestreetofpeopleandcarsformedacurrentastheymovesilentlythroughthegreycity.
AsIwatchedthesesightsbeforeme,myheartfeltheavy:itwasadaythatmadepeoplefeel
blue.

AsIamarrivingatthebusstopandpaying,Iaccidentallydropmynotebook.WhenI
leanovertopickitupfromthemud,myheartsuddenlyfeelsweakandfeeble.Peiwouldnot
beatthebusstop,hewouldnotbetherewaitingforme:wehavebeengoingtoschool
separatelyformanydaysnow,bothstubbornlyrefusingtoaccommodateeachother.Ithas
onlybeenafewdaysofseparation,andyetIcannotrecallhisfaceclearlyanymore.AllI
haveismylingeringloveandthebeautifulmemorieswecreatedtogether...timespentinthe
rainisalwayswet,butIdontknowifitistherainormyselfthatisresponsiblefor
dampeningthesedays.IambarelyholdingonIcravetotalktosomeone,anyone,whileI
amwaitingforthebus.Amongthestudentsinthequeue,thereareafewIrecognize.But
theyonlylookup,smileatmeandcontinuetowriteintheirnotebooks.Itlookslikeeveryone
isstressedduringthisexamperiod.Istandattheendofthequeuewithnothingtodo.Ifeel
thediscomfortthataccompaniesbeingignoredandforgotten,myheartfeelingalittlesore.
Peiisnolongerwithme,andeverythingfeelsmeaningless.Allofthelightsinsideofthebus
stationarelit,theharshwhiteshiningontogroupsofpassengers.Theairisfilledwiththe
scentofcigarettesandwetrubbershoes,theloudspeakersbroadcastingthenews,andthebus
stopsignsblinkrepeatedly,alternatingbetweenturningonandoff.Ibreatheinthedryair,
andthinktomyselfthatthisissuchatiresomeday.
WhenIthinkbacktothreemonthsago,mymindwouldwanderandIbecome
nostalgic.Atthetime,wewerestillregisteringforclasses.Lastsemesterhadjustfinished
withtheendofaharshwinter,andafterwehadtendaysofholidayitwastimetobeginthe
newsemesteragain.Thatday,Ifinishedregisteringafteraroundtenoclockinthemorning,
andIwassittingonthestonestepsfacingthefootballfield.Iwatchedthedancestudents,
whohadputonbeautiful,formfittingclothing,practicingonthefield.Itwasclosetothe
timeoftheschoolanniversarycelebration:oldjanitorswereclimbingaladdertopaintthe
windowframesyellowbehindme,abandwasplayingamarchveryloudly,andthedancers
weredancingtirelesslyduringtheirpractice.Theairwasfilledwithhappiness,musicandthe
smelloffreshpaint.Thelowlyinghillsfencedusinfromallfoursides.Lookingahead,the
skywascloudlessandthesunwouldwarmeverythingittouched.Isattherealone,facingthis
sceneryitreallyfeltlikeaholidaytome.Ifelthappiness,anditwassurprisingtoknowthat
thishappinesshadnoparticularcause.Afterschoolstarted,wedidntputinourentireeffort
instudying:sometimesweskippedclassandwenthiking,butothertimeswewouldbefound
inthelibrarydeliriouslycheckingthedefinitionofvocabularywords.Thedayswouldpass
likethis,onebyone,untiltheraincame.Ithasnotstoppedrainingsince.Atfirst,wewere
joyousaswewelcomedtherain,butwegraduallybecamesickofitandcursedatit.Ive
alreadyforgottenwhatitisliketogotoschoolunderthewarmraysofthesun.
Togettoschool,ittakesaroundtwentyminutesofwalkingfromwherewegetoffthe
bus.BythetimeIarriveatcampus,Iamsoakedthoroughly.Idonthavethehabitofusingan
umbrellaorraincoat,sothishasalreadybecomepartofmyusualroutine.Ourclassroomisonthe
fifthfloor,closetooneofthecornersoftheopenroof,anditisawindyplace.Afewclassmates
havealreadyarrivedandaresittingintheclassroom.WhenIwalkthroughthedoor,Itakeout
mynotebooks,sitinmychairandstareoffintospace.WillPeicomeandfindmetoday?He
knowsIamhere;heknowswereboththinkingofeachother.Pei,ifyoudontcomeandseeme,
Iwontbeabletogetanythingdone.Pei,shouldIcomeandfindyou?Pei,youwontcomeI
knowyouwontcome.Ispendeverydaywaitingallaroundmethewindowsareopen,andthe
pouringrainbecomesheavydrapes.Thegrayandgloomencompassus:welongtoseetheskies

thatarehiddenbehindthecurtainofrain,butitignoresourrequests.Onceyourhopesare
dismissed,youdiscoverthattheonlywaytoseethesunistowaitpatiently.
BythetimeRiandYanwalkin,itsalmosttimefortheexam.Riisoneofthepeople
wholikestobragandchatwithotherswhenhesinaclassroom.Asusual,hestrolledcasually
intotheclassroom,andhedidntbringanythingelsewithhimotherthanapen.
Kappa,whyareyouwearingsuchstrangeshoes?Kappaisthetitleofanovelbythe
JapaneseauthorAkutagawa,anditreferstotheriverboyinJapanesefolklore.Eversincethe
rainyseasonbegan,Kappahasbeenmynickname.
Idonthaveanyothershoestheywerestillcompletelysoaked.ShouldntIhaveworn
thesethen?
Theydontcoverenoughofyourfeet!Fromafar,Ihadthoughtyoucametoschool
barefoot!Rilooksatmyshoeswithashockedexpression.
Ilikethesesandalswearingthesemakemehappy.
Howcanyoutalkabouthappinessinsuchshittyweather?
Youknowwhat?Idontknowwhathappinessis,Ri,sodontaskme.
Silly,Riisjustworriedyourenervousabouttheexamsohesjustteasing.Yanadds.
Imnotnervous,butitstruethatImnothappyrightnow.EverysingleexamItake
feelslikehumiliation.Yousaythatyouunderstandthematerial,butpeopledontbelieveyou.
Insteadtheyforceyoutoproveitonapieceofblankwhitepaper,Isaybitterly.
Yanlooksatmeweirdly.Kappa,isitreallythatserious?
Imjustjoking.Thisshitisntseriousatall.AsIcurse,Istarttolaugh.
Thereisnoapparentreasonformyburntoutenergy.Howdoyouexplainthisfeelingto
otherpeople?ThismorningPeididntcomeandfindme,andthisendlesswaitingisonlycausing
metosinkfurtherandfurther.Thismorning,Iamsofragileandunablekeepittogether:I
constantlyobsessovereverylittlethingthathappens,andthinkabouttheminanegativelight.It
isbecauseofthisthatIamunabletofeelcomfortandseethelight.Fortunately,itisntthefirst
dayIvefeltthisway.Allthesetrivialthingshavestackedupintoasandduneinmyheart,butit
isunabletowithstandtheconstantrain.Oncetheraincomes,itfeelsasifIhaveatorrentof
emotionsinmyheart,attimesoverwhelmingme.
Thisisntadifficultexam:weonlyneedtomakecommentsandexplainourown
opinionsonseveralphilosophicaltheories,andweneedonlyaroundtwothousandcharacters.
Truthfully,answeringthesequestionsisoneofmyfavoritetaskstodo,andIcanttellwhyIwas
sohungupaboutitearlier.AfterIcarefullyanswerthequestionsontheexam,Ilookaroundat
myclassmates.RiiscurrentlytryingtonegotiatewiththestudiousYan.AfterYanquietly
whisperssomethingtohim,Risfacelightsupandhestartswritingfuriously.Icanthelpbut
smileithasalwaysbeensoeasytomakeRihappy.Suddenly,IstarttothinkofPei,andthe
senseoflossthataccompaniesthedisappointmentsurfaces.Icanthearanythingotherthanthe

soundofthepouringrain.Iputmypendownandclosemyexampaper,andplacemyfootonthe
backofthechairinfrontofme.Theyoungerteacherwalksover.
Areyoufinished?Ifyourefinishedyoucanhanditinnow.
Youcanneverreallyfinishansweringthesequestions,butIvewrittenenoughtomeet
thewordlimit.
Afterhehearsmycomment,helaughsandwalksawayagain.
IcantthinkofanythingIneedtodo.Ihaveneverlearnedhowtolookovermyanswers
againandagainIveneverhadthepatiencetocheckwhetherornotIveansweredaquestion
correctly.Theabnormaldownpouroutsidehasbecomeboringanddull,soIstarttodoodleonthe
backoftheexamClytie1intheforest,Clytieintherain,Whereisyoursun?Iknowthatmy
wordsaremeaninglessandthatIamonlyprocrastinating,hopingthatIwillseethesilhouetteof
Peioutsideofmyclassroomdoortocomeandpickmeupashehasthousandsoftimesbefore.
Fifteenminuteshavepassed,andIhandinmyexamtostandoutsideontheroof.Itisonlynow
thatIrealizethatIhavenomoreclassesfortherestoftheday:wealreadyfinishedourfinal
exam.Theraincreatesanemptyvoidsurroundingthebuildingasitsurroundsus.Thedormitory
hallacrossfromushasthewindowsopen.Thegirlswhousuallyliketoflirtwiththeboyscant
beseen,andIcanonlyseethebambooframesusedforexteriorrenovationstandtalloutsideof
thewindows.Ithasbeenrainingforthousandsofyears:Icantrememberanythingthathas
happenedundertheclearblueskies,Icantremembermycleandryshoes,Icantrememberhow
towalkhappilyinsunlight.Thesummerhasnotbroughtsunlightwithit,andinsteadhasbrought
aseasonthatgivesussuchahardtime.Insidetheclassroom,therearestillpeoplehandingin
theirexams.Theteacherwalksout,standsthereandwatchestherainfallforawhile.
Ifyouvefinishedyourexam,youcangohomenow.Ourclassisfinished.Areyou
waitingforsomeone?
No,Ireplysoftly.Imgoingtogohomesoon.Istandthereintherain,deepinthought.Ive
waitedmorethanadayforyou,Pei.IvewaitedforsolongthatIvelosttrackofthedays.Please
tellmewhywehavebrokenupoversuchasmallthingIamstillwaitingforyoutocomeand
walkdownhillwithme.
Then,IseeRiandXinwalkouttogether.Xinonlycamebacktoschooltwoweeksago
afterherecoveredathomefromanervousbreakdown.Hehasbeenawayforalmostamonth.
Howdidyoudoontheexam?IaskXin.NormallyXinliveswithhisauntinTaipei,so
sometimeswewouldwalkdownhilltogether.
Igotatleast60points,itshouldntbetoobad.Xinwasyoungerthanus,buthewas
depressedandalwayslookedverymelancholic.
Kappa,youredefinitelystillwaitingforthatbratfromthedramadepartment.Whyelse
wouldyoubestandingintherainlikeacrazyperson?Riwassplashingthroughthewaterinthe
puddleswhilehewasyellingatme.

1ClytiewasawaternymphinGreekMythologywhowasinlovewithHelios

Dontcallhimabrat!
Fine,Illcallhimdirector.DirectorPei,Kappaismissingyou!Rishoutsloudly.Istart
topanic.
Ri,stopscrewingaround.XinsmilesashepullsRiback.
Kappa,thesightofyouintherainsoakingupthewaterwasreallyweird.Itwassoweird
Ialmostcouldntconcentrateandwriteanythingdownonmyexam!
Asif!Evenifyoucouldntwriteanything,youwereinspiredassoonasyousawYan.
Iminnocent!IswearIstudyonmyown!Risexpressionbecameonethatwasacute
mixofindignationandhorrorattheaccusation.Thispersonneverknowswhatsorrowand
sadnessare.Xinjuststandsthereandstaresattheraininsilence.
Xin,whatareyoudoingthissummersinceyourenotjoiningthearmy?
Imgoingbackhome.
Youshouldchangedepartments.Yourhealthisntthatgreat.
Kappa,Iactuallydontwanttostudyanything.Ijustwanttogobackhometotendto
myorchards,andbefreeasafarmerinthecountryside.
Booksandstudieshavealwaysbeensortapointless.
Nevermind,nevermind.Xin,yourejustunlucky.Whotoldyoutobetheeldest?Your
oldmankeepsthinkingthatyouneedtoliveuptothefamilynameandhonoryourancestorsby
goingtouniversitytogetaneducationandthathasjustmadeyousick.Rispoutsoffnonsense
withoutthinking.AlthoughXinmaintainshisgoodtemperament,Icouldseethattherewas
somethingstrangeallofasuddeninhisgaze.
IkickedatapuddleofwatertosplashontoRitostophimfromsayinganythingelse.Xin
alreadystartedtowalktowardsthestairswithoutaword,butRiwasstillunawareandwas
playingwiththewater.
Xin,waitforus!HurryupRi!IgrabbedRitofollowbehindXin,andwhisperedto
him.Youknowhesnotexactlywell,yetyoukeepsayingthesethingsthatcouldmakethings
worse.
Aswegodownthestairs,IknowthatIwontbumpintoPei.Iamwalkingdown,one
stairatatime,andIpassbyyourclassroom,Pei.IdonthaveacurethisishowImissyouPei,
andIwishwewouldstopthisnonsense.Ifbothofusloveeachother,thenwhycantweeven
meetgiventhatIamsoclose?
Riissingingaswewalk:

Iknow,thereisaroadcalledsunlight,andyouaretherecallingmyname,mother.Iam
walkingtowardsyou,IamwalkingmilesandmilesbythewheatfieldsWait,Kappa,didthe
bratfromthedramadepartmentwritethis?YoushouldtellhimthatLeeRilikesitalot.
Therearenowheatfieldshere,nosunlighthere,andtherearenowavesofhappiness
here.Wearecurrentlywalkinginthewetrainyseason,andweveneversungwhileweve
walkedtowardshappiness.Wevehaventdoneit,especiallysincehappinessisveryfarand
distantfromuslately.
Whenweredownstairs,wehuddlecloseattheschoolgates.Therainmakesthecampus
looksparse,andwebecomelostaswewatchtherain.EvenRihasstoppedtalking,andstaresout
dumbly.Ithasbecomeheaviersincethemorning.
Thisrainisntthewarmkind.Xinsaystousslowly,breakingthesilence.
Waitforthesun.Otherthanwaiting,everythingelseisuseless.Ilookbacktotryand
smilereassuringlyathim,butmysmilemakesmewanttocry.
Screwwaiting.Letsgorunintheraintogether,towardsthebusstopwithoutstopping.
Kappa,areyoucomingwithus?BeforeRievenfinisheshissentence,herunsout.
Werenotgoingtorun,weregoingtowalk.Andweregoingtowalkcalmly,asifthe
raindoesnotexist.
Sure,letswalkKappa.Sometimesyouaretooserious.Doyouthinkthatthisstorm
couldknockyououtifyouraninit?Stupid.
Idonthavemuchdignityleft,justletmehavealittlepridebywalking.
Kappawhatareyoudoingthissummer?Xinsuddenlyasksme.
Idontknow.Haventthoughtaboutititfeelslikethosedayswontcome.Icant
reallythinkofwhatIwanttodo,soIhaventreallyplannedforit.
Inpastyears,thesunhasalwaysaccompaniedthearrivalofsummer.Howdoyouplan
foraholidaywhenyourefacedwiththiskindofmonsoon,eveniftheholidaystartsnextweek?
Ifeellost.Whenthewindcomes,therainhitsagainstthedooreaves.Myhairandshouldersstart
tofeeltheburdenofthenewonslaughtofdownpour,andIcanfeelmysandalsgettingwetfrom
therivuletsthatareflowingonthepavement.FromundermyfeetIcanstarttofeelthecoldseep
through.Thewatercollectsandpoolsbeneathme,fallsontomybody.ThisisJunerain,butit
feelslikethecoldthataccompaniesearlyspring.
Therainpouredforsomanydays,butitnevermademewet.Itstherainyseasoninmy
heartthatdrenchedmefromheadtotoe.
Letsgo!Whatareyouwaitingfor?Xinstartstonagatme.
Nothing,nothing!Letsgo.

Inthemorningofthisearlysummer,Ri,XinandIslowlywalkthroughtherain.Once
again,Igivemyselftotherainnothingcanstopthemanyways.Thedropletsfallheavilyonto
everypartofmybody.Ihavenootherthoughtsotherthanthatthisistherain,justrain,andIam
walkingthroughit.Wewalksidebyside,butaswearriveatthesmalltreeitbeginstopour.Xin
startstowalkwithhisheaddown,tryingtoenduretherainthebesthecan.Ri,ontheotherhand,
waveshisarmswitheverystephetakes,butspewsoutwordslikefuck,fuckrepeatedlyashe
walksthroughtherain.Youreallycanttellifhescursingattherainorcheering.Wewalkfora
longtimeIveneverwalkedinrainforsuchalongtime,anditfeelsasifwewillneverreach
ourbusstop.IfeellikeIamnotwalkingthroughmererain,butariver.Everythingissowetthat
Icantevenopenmyeyes,soImakeamotionforRitohelpmecarrythebooksforawhile.AsI
useoneofmyhandstowipeawaythewateronmyface,Istarttocry:Idontknowhowthis
neverendingperiodofemptinesswillpass.Iamhelplesslyrolledupintherain,floatingalonga
river,amorbidlysilentriver.Istarttodriftupagainstmywill,andIpanicasIshout:Pei,come
saveme,quickly!Iamabouttosink,Pei,Iamgoingtodrown.
Riisdesperatelytryingtopushmeforwards,andXinisdeathlypale,completelywetas
hestandstotheside.
Kappa,whatswrong?Whydidyousuddenlystartshouting?Youscaredthehelloutof
us.Hurryup,youshouldntbesoakedanyfurther.Areyouokay?
Ri,Imokay,itsjustthattherainistooheavy.
Ifollowintheirfootstepstryingtohurryup.Xinlendsmeacleanhandkerchieftowipe
myfacewith.Wewalkalongthehighway,thebusstopinsight.Inoticethedropletsrightin
frontofmyeyes.AndIthinktomyself:fall,keepfalling,andjustfalluntilwheneveryouwantto
stopyouwillpasseventually.Thesekindsofdayswillpasseventually,andtheworldwill
becomebrilliantandlightupagainaftertheendlessrain.IwontbeaKappaagain;Irefuseto
sinktothebottomoftheriver.Therainyseasonwillbegone.TherewillbeadaywhenIwake
uptoasunnymorning.Iwilllieinmybed,quietlylisteningtothesoundsofbirdsoutsidemy
window,songsasclearasrunningwater.Itwillbesuchacomfortingandenjoyablewaytowake
up.Whentherainyseasonhaspassed,Iwillwakeupinthemorningandlookintothemirror,and
Iwillseetheraysofsuncaressingmyface.Iwilltellmyselfrepeatedlythattherainhaspassed,
andtherainyseasonisnevercomingback.Ithinkthatwhenthatmorninghappens,Iwillweara
clean,drypairofyellowsneakers,walkonastreetthatisilluminatedbythesun.Whenthat
happens,Iwillsay,lookatthissunlight:therainyseasonisforevergone.