WORKBOOK

HELP for the

HURTING HEART
DAVID KESSLER

HELP FOR THE HURTING HEART DAY 1 onecommune.com 1

How to Use This
Commune Workbook
Welcome! Our mission at Commune is to bring well-being to a billion
people — so that we can collectively live healthier, happier lives as a
society. Thank you for being a part of this movement toward wellness.

This course workbook is designed for you to get the most out of
each day’s lessons through journaling prompts and a clarity state-
ment. The journaling helps you organize your thoughts and make
the teachings relevant to your life. Don’t worry about creating nice,
tidy essays — just let your thoughts flow onto the page.

Then, in the clarity statement section go back to your journaling and

distill your thoughts to a few concise phrases in the blanks provided.
This “Mad Libs” exercise helps you be more precise and emphatic
with your insights and intentions. By the end of this course you will
have a series of short, clear statements on how you can process
and move through your grief. We encourage you to share any or all
of these statements in the course room in the free online Commune
Community.

TECHNICAL NOTE:
You can write in this workbook digitally! Open the PDF in Adobe
Acrobat or the free Adobe Reader to type your answers directly into
the document. You can also print the workbook or write in your own
journal. Please email any questions to [email protected].

“The reality is you’re not broken.

You don’t need fixing.
What we do need is our grief to be witnessed.
We need to be seen.
We need other people to see this pain we’re in,
that this loss mattered.”
David Kessler
 DAY 1
What Grief Is (and Isn’t)
Grief is the death of something. It’s the death of someone we love. A breakup is the
death of a relationship. Divorce is the death of a marriage. A job loss is the death of a
paycheck, career, or relationships with co-workers. If you’ve been robbed, something’s
been stolen from you that you were connected to and that’s grief, too. Having a wedding
canceled or a trip postponed are both losses, and we often need to grieve them as well.

Today it’s important to understand what grief is (and isn’t).

It’s important to name your grief.

Say the following sentences to yourself in a safe and quiet room:

My loss counts.
My trauma counts.
My feelings matter.
I am allowed to feel however I feel.
I am not alone.
I am grieving, and that’s okay.

SELF-REFLECTION + JOURNAL QUESTIONS:

1. What is my idea or perception of grief? Where did this idea or perception come from?
How has this idea or perception of grief influenced the way I deal with loss in my life?

2. What expectations, if any, do I have for my grief and the grieving process?

3. What, if anything, has stopped me from feeling my emotions around the loss?

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 DAY 1 CONTINUED...

4. If my grief could speak, what would it say?

5. What does my grief want me to know?

6. What have I done in the past to try to fix, control or change this area of my life?

7. What are the feelings, emotions and conditions I have tried to alter or control with this
problem?

8. Right now, if this is such an important area in my life, why haven’t I changed?

9. Am I willing to do what it takes to have this changed, healed or transformed?

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C L A R I T Y S T A T E M E N T (fill in the blanks)

I have experienced loss in my life: the loss of _________________________________.

I recognize I am not broken. My feelings are valid and designed to be felt. My grief wants
to be witnessed by me. The only way to heal what hurts is to feel it, and today I am
choosing to show up with all of my heart and courage to honor my feelings.

I am taking this course because ___________________________________________.

The only way out of the pain is through it. If my grief could speak, it would say

____________________________________________________________________.

My grief wants me to know _______________________________________________.

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 DAY 2
The Mind and Loss
Grief is about your heart, but your mind can take control by creating stories.

Remember, the events do not change, but how you tell your story can change. This is
where your mind works. You are not the author of the facts (what happened) but rather
how you talk about the facts (the stories). That’s where you have some control.

Your mind holds all your memories, and it holds prior grief. You may have been raised to
think you don’t have power to choose your thoughts, but you can certainly choose the
story you create around the thoughts you have. Especially when it comes to loss and grief.

Say the following sentences to yourself in a safe and quiet room:

I am prepared to feel my feelings.

It is okay to hurt from what happened.
I understand that pain is a natural part of life.
I recognize that feeling my pain is a part of the grieving process.
And I know the stories I tell myself matter.

SELF-REFLECTION + JOURNAL QUESTIONS:

1. What stories do I tell or have I told myself about my grief that may not be 100% true?

2. What part of the story or stories isn’t true?

3. How can I restate this story so it does not keep me stuck in suffering?

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C L A R I T Y S T A T E M E N T (fill in the blanks)

The story I’ve been telling myself about what happened that isn’t 100% true is

______________________________________________, and the part that’s not true

is _________________________________________________. In order to restate the

story, I must recognize that _____________________________________________.

The new story I will tell myself is _________________________________________.

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 DAY 3
Finding Your Power
It’s natural to feel like you’ve lost your power after a loved one dies, or after someone
hits you with a divorce, betrayal, or breakup. Even the word “bereaved” comes from an
old Latin word that means to be robbed. You have been robbed of your loved one, your
marriage, or your power. Loss shakes up your world. It’s like your anchor is gone and
you’re in unchartered territory.

Your situation and your loss is unique, but you still can find power no matter what. You
have the power to grieve in your way, even if people don’t like it. No one else is in
charge of that.

We can’t change the loss or the event, but we have the power to change everything
that happens after the loss. If someone took something from you, it’s time to get it back.
It may not be how it was before, but you can still have some version of it.

Say the following sentences to yourself in a safe and quiet room:

I am allowed to grieve the way I want to grieve.

I am not powerless.
I am here, and that is enough for today.

SELF-REFLECTION + JOURNAL QUESTIONS:

1. What is my grieving process like?

2. How have I given or continue to give my power away?

3. What are the benefits of reclaiming my power?

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C L A R I T Y S T A T E M E N T (fill in the blanks)

I cannot change the loss or the event, but I have the power to change what happens

next. I will stop giving my power away by/to __________________________________.

I now have the power to _________________________________________________.

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 DAY 4
The Science of Loss
Your mind is always seeking to make sure you survive and are safe. Think about your
primitive mind. Your primitive mind saw the neighbor caveman eaten by the lion. It
wants to make sure you do not get eaten by the lion. It’s about preserving and protect-
ing you. However, sometimes the mind, in keeping you safe, turns against you through
techniques like catastrophizing, thinking of worst-case scenarios.

As David says today in the lesson: “Your first conclusion about what happened may not
be the correct one.”

It’s important to notice and acknowledge if your mind is worrying all the time. Do not
blame yourself. You’ve had trauma. You’ve had death and loss. There are scientific rea-
sons the mind does this, and there are things you can do, like meditation, to ease your
worries.

Say the following sentences to yourself in a safe and quiet room:

My mind is wired to protect me from repeating pain.

It’s natural and common to worry after loss.
I am learning how to live in this new world.

SELF-REFLECTION + JOURNAL QUESTIONS:

1. What have I been worried about recently?

2. How can I reroute my worrying mind to a healthier pathway?

3. What, if anything, can I do with my worrying that would be effective?

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C L A R I T Y S T A T E M E N T (fill in the blanks)

I know my mind is wired to protect me from repeating pain. I’ve been worrying recently about

________________________________ because _______________________________.

One effective action I could take to soothe this worry is ____________________________

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 DAY 5
Trauma
Psychological trauma is the unique individual’s experience of an event, a series of
events, or a set of enduring conditions in which the individual’s experience and ability to
integrate all the emotions becomes overwhelming.

We often can confuse trauma with the grief that results from what happened. All grief
does not have trauma, but all trauma has grief. To heal from trauma, you must grieve.

While you may not have had choice in the trauma, you have choice in how you handle
it, how you experience it, how you live in the past, and how you bring yourself and your
loved one(s) into the present.

You can create space in yourself for the trauma to live with you in a healthy way.

Say the following sentences to yourself in a safe and quiet room:

I am allowed to feel all my feelings.

To heal from trauma, I must grieve.
Grief is a natural process.
There is nothing bad or wrong about grieving.
I accept that I am grieving.
I acknowledge that I am human, and loss is a part of life.

SELF-REFLECTION + JOURNAL QUESTIONS:

1. What has been my judgment or perception of trauma?

2. How have I tried to ignore or cope with trauma?

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3. In what ways can I show myself greater compassion and love today?

C L A R I T Y S T A T E M E N T (fill in the blanks)

I recognize that my judgment or perception of trauma has been one of _____ ____ ____,

and that I have coped with my own trauma through ______________________________.

Today and everyday, I can show myself greater compassion and love by

_____________________________.

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 DAY 6
The End of a Relationship
It’s important to remember that the pain of loss is inevitable. You can’t do anything about
the pain of missing someone or the love you had for them, yet be careful of self-blame
and judgment as those can stifle the healing process.

Say the following sentences to yourself in a safe and quiet room:

It takes courage to love.

I am being very brave.
My grief over this relationship deserves my attention.
Today, I will give myself grace.
Today, I will honor that I am human.
I remember that I am healing.

SELF-REFLECTION + JOURNAL QUESTIONS:

1. What lessons about myself or love did I learn from my last relationship?

2. How do I show up in my relationship with myself?

3. What happens next? And how can I release being a victim of the pain?

4. What do I need to grieve about this relationship to avoid bringing it into my next one?

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C L A R I T Y S T A T E M E N T (fill in the blanks)

My most recent relationship taught me ______________________________.

To heal from this relationship and not be a victim of the pain, I will grieve

_____________________________. At the same time, I will show up in my relationship

with myself with _________________________.

I will not bring ______________________________________ into my next relationship.

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 DAY 7
Betrayal
The truth about betrayal is this: it never comes from an enemy. It comes from someone
close to us, a friend, spouse, partner, or coworker. It always comes from within the circle
of who we know and trust.

If you have been betrayed, remember this: Any new person you meet is not to blame.
They were not the ones to betray you. Make certain your mind is clear on that because
your mind wants to find reasons bad things happen so they won’t happen again. And
searching for reasons for why someone betrayed you will only keep you stuck in your
grief.

Say the following sentences to yourself in a safe and quiet room:

Moving on from betrayal is a choice.

Anyone I meet in the future is not at fault.
I can find healing from this hurt.
I am responsible for not being the victim.
I am committed to resolving my grief so it does not affect other relationships.

SELF-REFLECTION + JOURNAL QUESTIONS:

1. Where can I find responsibility in order to release those places where I want to be
the victim?

2. In what ways have I been blaming myself? What, if anything, have I made the be-
trayal mean about myself, people, or the world?

3. How can I create closure for myself? (What would I say to that person if I could
talk to them?)

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4. If I do not heal from betrayal, who might I become that I do not want to be
(e.g. resentful, distrusting)?

C L A R I T Y S T A T E M E N T (fill in the blanks)

I choose to forgive the person who betrayed me because ___________________________.

While I may want to be the victim, I take responsibility for ___________________________,

and I know that I must heal from this hurt so that I can show up to current and future

relationships as my best self, which includes being ________________________________.

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 DAY 8
Job Loss & Estrangement
JOB LOSS
Job loss can be earth-shattering and full of shame because it’s about your identity. With
job loss there is grief, and it’s important to allow yourself to feel the emotions that arise,
including sadness and anger.

Say the following sentences to yourself in a safe and quiet room:

I am worthy and deserving of happiness.

Fear is a natural response to job loss.
It’s okay to grieve the loss of my job.
It’s okay to feel sad or angry.
It’s okay to feel how I feel.
I will not make myself wrong for having emotions.
I am showing up for myself with courage and compassion.

SELF-REFLECTION + JOURNAL QUESTIONS:

1. What about a job loss do I fear the most? What fearful thoughts about myself are hold-
ing me back?

2. Who else am I besides my job? What are other ways I can define myself that aren’t
work-related?

3. If it was time to change careers, what other things have I been curious about?

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4. What could I do with this time in the in-between? What is something fun I could try?

C L A R I T Y S TAT E M E N T

When I think about a job loss, I feel _____________________________________ because

____________________________________. However, I know I am more than my work.

My job does not define me.

Today is a good day to revisit the things I enjoy doing or am curious about, such as

____________________________________, and come up with a list of skills I have that

I would like to use in my future role, including __________________. Something I could

during this time in the in-between is _______________________________.

ESTRANGEMENT
Estrangement is a huge loss that often doesn’t get talked about, but it causes a lot of
pain. You have an argument with someone. You quit talking to someone, or they quit
talking to you. They won’t respond to your messages, and soon you are no longer com-
municating. Whatever the reason, the relationship is gone. That’s a loss that must be
grieved.

SELF-REFLECTION + JOURNAL QUESTIONS:

1. What estranged relationships in my life have I not been willing to acknowledge fully?
How has the estrangement affected me?

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2. Am I willing to repair the relationship, even if it means giving up my right to be right?

3. What would offer me closure?

4. How as estrangement affected me and my quality of life?

C L A R I T Y S T A T E M E N T (fill in the blanks)

I have an estranged relationship with ______________________________, and this loss

has affected me __________________________________.

I am willing to repair this relationship by _______________________________, and/or feel

that ________________________________ would offer me closure.

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 DAY 9
Caring for a Loved One Who is Dying
Death shapes the grief you feel. You’re never going to want it to be your loved one’s time
to die, yet it’s incredible important for you and for them for you to be present, holding
their hand if you can, so you can rest easy when they pass versus living with the regret of
wishing you had been at their side more often than searching Google for a cure.

Say the following sentences to yourself in a safe and quiet room:

Nothing can make this easier, and that’s okay.

I choose to face this as best as I can.
I will ask for help when I need it.
My heart is allowed to hurt.
I will focus on today. Just today.

SELF-REFLECTION + JOURNAL QUESTIONS:

1. What support do I need in order to care for my loved one who’s dying?

2. What does my mind believe is going wrong with my loved one? (Could these things
actually be a natural part of the dying process?)

3. How can I make the most of these last moments, no matter what happens or when?

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4. How can I make the most of the time I have with this person?

C L A R I T Y S T A T E M E N T (fill in the blanks)

While I know dying is a natural part of life, I can’t help but think something is going wrong with

my loved one. My mind is telling me ________________________________. And instead

of make myself wrong for having these thoughts, I commit to making the most of these last

moments, no matter what happens or when, by __________________________________.

And if I need support, I will call _____________________________________ and ask them

to support me by __________________________________________________.

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 DAY 10
Finding Meaning
Grieving tends to unfold in patterns. We often have the false perception or expectation
that grief follows the “stages of grief,” but the stages aren’t steps in the grieving process.
Rather, they are used to understand where in the cycle you are. You can move through all
of them in an hour, in fact: denial, anger, bargaining, sadness, acceptance. From his own
experience of losing his son, David Kessler added a sixth stage: meaning.

None of these stages, even the sixth, is a mandatory stop on a map or your timeline mov-
ing through the grieving process. There is no timeline, no map, no sequence to follow, no
destination to get to when we talk about grief.

Meaning shows up in different ways. As an example: Your identity can change. Maybe
you have a different relationship with others after your loved one has died. Maybe your
outlook on life has changed. Maybe the loss led to growth.

Finding meaning takes time. You may not find it for months or even years after the loss,
and that’s okay. Even when you do find meaning, you won’t feel it was worth the cost
because it wasn’t. Your loss is not a test. It’s not a lesson. It’s not something to handle. It’s
not a gift nor a blessing.

Meaning is personal and relative. Only you can find your own meaning, and it’s not a
quick-fix, hurt-no-more solution. It’s simply one more stage you may find yourself in when
living through loss and pain.

Say the following sentences to yourself in a safe and quiet room:

Finding meaning after loss takes time.

My loss is not a test nor a gift.
My pain is not something to “handle.”
Finding meaning is personal to me.
I am the only one who can find my meaning in all this.
I promise not to put pressure on myself to get anywhere or feel a certain way.
I am where I am.
I feel how I feel.
I am allowed to take my time.

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 DAY 10 CONTINUED...

SELF-REFLECTION + JOURNAL QUESTIONS:

1. What has this loss or the losses in my life taught me about myself?

2. In what ways have I changed from this experience?

3. What meaning can I find in my loved one’s life?

4. How did this person change me? What did their life teach me?

5. How does my loved one live on in me?

C L A R I T Y S T A T E M E N T (fill in the blanks)

This loss has taught me ______________________________________ and I have

changed from this experience by __________ ___________________________________.

Knowing my loved one changed me because they were ____________________________.

They can live in my life now through ___________________________________________.

___________________ _______________________ ___________________________

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