POSITIVE PARENTING

MANUAL 5
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HOME LATE

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POSITIVE PARENTING
MANUAL

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© UNICEF, April 2023

ISBN : 978-92-806-5108 -9

The findings, interpretations and conclusions expressed in this paper are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect
the policies and views of UNICEF.

The text has not been edited to official publication standards and UNICEF accepts no responsibility for errors. The
designations in this publication do not imply an opinion on legal status of any country or territory, or of its authorities, or
the delimitation of frontiers.

In this manual, the term “mother/father/parent” is used for convenience. It applies to all those with a caring
role, including grandparents and extended family members, foster carers, etc.
Acknowledgements

This publication is adapted from the original work of Ms. H.P.C Wasantha Pathirana
MSSc. (University of Kelaniya) M.A. (University of Kelaniya) B.A. (Special) University of
Colombo, and we thank her for her contribution.
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Positive Parenting manual booklets

1. Talking Back

2. Fighting with Siblings

3. Neglecting Schoolwork

4. Household Chores and Responsibilities

5. Returning Home Late

6. Setting Limits on the Use of Digital Devices

7. Fussy Eaters

8. Throwing Tantrums

9. Relationships

10. Staying Awake Past Bedtime

11. Substance Abuse

12. Gender

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The icons in this book depicts the following to its readers

Think a Minute

Point To Remember

Important Lesson

Practical Advice

Question

Write Your Thoughts

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INTRODUCTION TO POSITIVE
PARENTING

What is Positive Parenting?

P
ositive Parenting is not restricted to a method, a set
of rules, or a style; it is a belief, a way of living. Children
should be treated with respect, free from fear of
violence and shame, and guided with loving encouragement.
The very first step to become a positive parent is to adjust
one’s thinking, by improving your own knowledge, attitudes,
behaviours and skills. To achieve this, parents must be willing
to reflect on themselves and their role as parents, do their best
to complete all the activities; and use the new information in
their daily interactions with their children. Parents will learn
that communication is a crucial way to ensure an ongoing
relationship with their children.

Positive Parenting Manual

This manual allows us to begin thinking about how we can
bring up a child without inflicting/causing physical harm. This
method is known as positive parenting.

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This manual focuses on specific tools such as:

y How to establish goals for you and your child

y How to spend quality time with your children

y How to express yourself and enable your child to express

their feelings in a safe environment

y How to use praise and reward

y How to give instructions and establish household rules

y How to redirect and ignore negative behaviours

y How to use consequences and establish cool down times

y How to resolve conflicts

By repeatedly referring to this manual, you will gain a sound

understanding of the different methods available to discipline
your child.

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What positive parenting is:

y Positive parenting is about long-term solutions that develop children’s

self-discipline.

y Positive parenting is clear communication of expectations, rules and

limits.

y Positive parenting is about building a mutually respectful relationship

with your children.

y Positive parenting is about teaching children life-long skills.

y Positive parenting is about increasing children’s competence and

confidence to handle challenging situations.

y Positive parenting is about teaching courtesy, non-violence, empathy,

self-respect, human rights and respect for others.

What positive parenting is not:

y Positive parenting is not permissive parenting.

y Positive parenting is not letting children do whatever they want.

y Positive parenting is not about having no rules, limits or expectations.

y Positive parenting is not about short-term reactions or alternative

punishments to slapping and hitting.

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A common complaint among parents is that their children are not obedient.

“This child is very disobedient. S/he never listens to anything we say.” “S/he always
does what we ask her/him not to do. Not in the least bit obedient.” Are statements
like these made in your family? Do you feel that your children are disobedient?

In your opinion, what characteristics are typical of a child who is obedient? A child
who is inclined to be disobedient?

List them separately.

Disobedient Obedient

Compare your column on obedience with that of another parent’s column on

obedience. Have a discussion on this. You most probably will see both similarities
and differences between the two lists.

Reflect on your own parenting style and consider how you contribute to this
behavior.

The differences highlight that what we consider as obedience/disobedience

is a relative factor. This just means that the way you think of it is different to
the way someone else thinks about it.

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Once you have a clear understanding of the key behaviours you want to
see or change, try out the strategies below to address these behaviours
and support your child to think and act independently.

1. Make a list of what is considered good and bad behaviour at home,

the boundaries of these behaviours as well as the consequences of
not adhering to the boundaries. Depending on the age of your child/
children, do this together with them. Display this list at home in a
place where everyone can see.

2. Appreciate and praise the child every time s/he displays good
behaviour. The love you show towards your child must be
unconditional and positive.

3. Also note, we should disapprove and dislike the wrongful behaviour

of the child, not the child himself.

At times, parenting can be difficult! So, it is important to keep in mind

that these positive parenting techniques take time and patience to be
successful. It cannot be achieved in one day. If they don’t work today,
remember to try again tomorrow. It is important to be consistent in your
parenting approach and being consistent is the only way your child may
be able to understand what you are trying to communicate.

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References

National Parenting Taskforce, (2013), The Art of Parenting: Summary Guide, Parenting Guide_Summary
Guide.pdf (sharepoint.com)

Parenting for Lifelong Health: Handbook for Adolescents

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Positive Parenting Manual

RETURNING HOME
LATE

J ust like us, children also need to go out of

the house for various reasons, including
to attend school or tuition classes, to meet
friends, do sports, buy clothes or some other
errand that needs to be attended to. It is
important that parents set clear boundaries
and rules for when their child goes out and
understand how to effectively deal with a
situation where they continuously return
home late.

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Do you have a set time for your children to return home?
If your child has gone out on his/her own, it is important to have a clear idea of the
time s/he would be returning home or how long your child will be away from the
house.

It is important to set boundaries for your children to return home by the deadline
which was agreed within the family.

E.g.: On a weekday when the child goes to school in the morning, you know that
the child should be back home by around 2.00pm or 2.15pm. You are also aware
that the child has extra classes twice a week, therefore they will be at the class
from 2.30pm - 4.30pm on those two days. It takes about an hour to get back
home when the class finishes. So, the estimated time at which the child will be
back is around 5.15pm – 5.30pm

Despite knowing when your child should be back, if you feel like your child is
getting late on a regular basis, make a note of how late s/he is on those days.

E.g.: Sometimes your child may be 15 minutes, 30 minutes, an hour or

sometimes several hours late in getting back.

Our primary objective should be to set clear boundaries and a fixed time to
be home by after school or after a social event. There should also be clear
consequences if the child is regularly late.

A Short Story Malitha heard the door slam and Malitha, who is now tired of
saw 13 year old Chamika entering giving him chances, raises his
the house. voice ‘ I am disappointed that you
‘Chamika, you have been did not listen to me and you have
coming home late too often.. I come home late yet again, so now
want you to come home before this weekend you cannot spend
7:00pm as it not safe to be alone in time with your friends!’
the dark outside… and I am worried Chamika looks up at his father in
that you might get hurt. If you frustration ‘Thaththa that’s not fair!,
repeat this again, you will not be I was not that late’
allowed to play with your friends.’ Malitha refuses to change his
Chamika pays no attention to mind and eventually Chamika
his father and is distracted by his apologizes and goes to his room,
phone. realizing his mistake.
The next day, Chamika comes
home late once again.

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Why is Malitha’s consequence effective and realistic?

Why would telling Chamika that he cannot play with his friends be problematic?

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What would Chamika learn if his father did not follow through with the
consequence?

Tip: It is important to cultivate the habit of returning home on time

in children from a young age.

Short Story Shanaz took 5 year old Milan to name, he ignored her.
the park every Saturday. While he ‘Milan come now, we must go
played with his friends, she spent home, it is getting dark!.’
her time on a park bench reading Milan shouted back, ‘I don’t
her book. On one such day she want to go yet!, 10 more minutes
realized it was getting quite late please!’
and Milan was nowhere to be Realizing there would be no
seen. Seeking him out she found end to his pleas, Shanaz raised her
him playing with his friends in one voice,
corner of the park. ‘Milan come here right now , I
‘ Milan! We have to go now, it is am not telling you again.’
getting late.’ Milan did not do so, and Shanaz
‘Mama please can I have 5 more began to pull Milan away from the
minutes?’ Please? playground, he started to cry and
Giving in to his pleas, Shanaz sat on the ground,
agreed , ‘Only 5 minutes! No more.’. ‘No I am not going , you can’t
She went back to her bench. make me!.’ Having no other choice,
15 minutes passed and still Shanaz had to drag Milan and
Milan did not return. Feeling a eventually carry him back to their
little frustrated, Shanaz got up to car while he kicked and screamed.
go find Milan. When she called his

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Questions:

What do you think about Shanaz’s reaction to Milan’s refusal to leave on time?

Do you think Shanaz could have responded in another way?

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How do you ensure your child does not return home late?
y Make sure you put in place a rule about ‘returning home on time’ and make
sure the child is aware of the limits (a delay of 15 – 30 minutes is acceptable) and
consequences (what happens if they get late to return home) of not adhering to
the deadline.

y Encourage a check in rule with your child, so that s/he will let you know if s/he is
going to get late, by calling you and telling you, if they have a phone to do so,

y Help your child understand the importance of returning home on time. Explain
that it is also for their own safety and well-being.

y Children learn by example so make sure you let your kids know where you will
be and when you plan to be home. Treating them with respect in this way will
encourage them to behave the same way.

y Agree to pick them up from wherever they are going – you will know they are
getting home safely, and have a chance to see where they are spending their
time.

y Tell your child that if they come home late and break a rule/limit that you have
set together, then there will be a consequence of an earlier curfew for xxxx (i.e.
specify 1 week or 1 weekend).

This ensures your child is clear on the consequence and empowers them to
make the right choice.

y It is not appropriate to use physical punishment on children for returning home

late. Using physical punishment will not yield positive results. The fear of being
hit may result in the child coming home on time the next few times, but they
will soon revert to their old habits.

If you continue using corporal punishment on the child, s/he may stop coming
home altogether.

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What should you do when your child returns home late, despite
rules being in place?
y If your child comes home late after curfew, tell them you were worried, but are
relieved s/he’s home safely and will talk to her/him in the morning. This will give
you a chance to calm down and also for your child to address the issue with a
clear mind in the morning.

y Explain the emotions you experience when the child gets late to come home.

E.g.:

“Daughter/son, you got very late to return home today as well. I got really scared.
You know the road is not lit very well. So, you may accidentally trample a snake
or meet with some other accident since you cannot see clearly in the dark.”

“Look at the time now……. You know you should be home by six o’clock. I got very
scared.”

y After you explain your emotions, ask the child why they got late. Some of the
reasons given by the child might be very valid.

E.g. : The bus breaking down, or the bus getting late.

y If the child regularly gets late without a reason, they should be aware of the
consequences. Do not mete out punishments that cause physical or emotional
harm. Follow through with the consequences such as:

» Specify a warning to your child that the next time this happens, there will be
consequences

» Limit the curfew/amount of time they get to spend outside

» Reduce or have no screen time for a specified amount of time

» Confiscate their mobile phone / tablet

» Limit time allowed for going out with friends

It is important to praise them when they come home on time, and reward them
appropriately.

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References

Witmer, D, (2020). Very Well Family. Retrieved from https://www.verywellfamily.com/advice-on-curfews-

for-teens-2606170

Wolfenden, R, (2021), Empowering Parents. Retrieved from https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/

does-your-teen-break-curfew-how-to-get-your-child-to-come-home-on-time/

Parenting for Life Long Health: Positive Parenting HandBook for Adolescents

Healthychildren.org, (2016), ' Staying out Late and Curfews', American Academy of Pediatrics, Retrieved
from Staying Out Late & Curfews - HealthyChildren.org.

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Notes

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Notes

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Notes

Positive Parenting Manual

Child Protection
3/1 Rajakeeya Mawatha
Colombo 7
Sri Lanka
www.unicef.lk

ISBN : 978-92-806-5108 -9

© United Nations Children’s Fund (UNICEF)

April 2023