CLE 2254_ Session 4 _ Essay writing II
Session Foci:
- Content development/task achievement in essay writing (giving opinions,
elaboration with evidence, etc.)
- Cohesion and coherence in essay writing
- Grammatical and vocabulary range
Note: In these two sessions under essay writing, a set of exemplars aligning with the
learning foci will be applied in each session to equip learners with analytical, evaluative,
and critical thinking skills.
Part I. Content development/ task achievement in essay writing
Here is the IELTS writing descriptor.
You can see that the examiner expects you to respond to the question with ‘relevant,
extended and supported ideas.’ This means that your ideas must actually relate, or be
linked, specifically to the question and then you have to explain what your ideas mean
and then support them with examples.
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Activity a) Look the following paragraph and think about what the examiner expects.
Question: Some parents think that childcare centres provide the best services for
children of pre-school age. Other working parents think that family members such
as grandparents will be better care for their kids. Discuss both views and give your
opinion.
Grandparents are the best people to look after children for very obvious reasons.
Grandparents really love their grandchildren and would never harm them. Also, the
children really love their grandparents and feel comfortable with them. Finally,
grandparents have lots of experience taking care of children because they are old and
looked after children for many years themselves.
This paragraph is not good because there are many different arguments and most of them
are very ___general______. They have not been extended with ___explanation__ and
lack ____evidence/ examples____.
Activity b) Let’s take a look at body paragraphs in the sample writings (Refer to the
document “Essay Writing Samples”). Can you tell which version is better? Why?
Type III Question (P.4 of “Essay Writing Samples”): Testing newly introduced
medicines on animals are inhumane but is necessary. Do the advantages of animal
testing outweigh the disadvantages?
Version 1, Body 1: The major benefit of animal testing would be that it can avoid
human suffering and pain and extend their life span. With the advent of the
technology, scientists can inject the new medicine into animals instead of humans to
evaluate drug efficiency. Apart from alleviating human suffering, the result of the
animal testing can be largely enhanced. Take the bird flu or even the COVID-19
vaccine as an example. The scientists have to inject the vaccine in mice before making
a large-scale production in the labs. The reason behind the practice is that they can
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assess the side effects first among the mice and modify the components of the
vaccine, hence ensuring the safety in humans before launching the vaccine to the
markets. In view of medical perspective, it is necessary to implement animal testing
unless there is more advanced technology to replace the animal testing by other
means in future.
Version 2, Body 1: Firstly, animal experiments can better protect the human life,
because through the experiments, researchers can watch and record the medical
reaction in the animals, and then they can judge if there is any bad effect of the drug,
so that they can improve or choose to give up the drug according to the research
records. If these medicines are sold directly to people without testing on animals, it is
a very terrible thing because nobody can promise whether the new medicine is safe
to human life. So doing the animal testing is a necessary step for testing newly
introduced medicines.
_______Version 1________ is a better written body paragraph because not only can it
elaborate the main idea, but also can support it with related evidence.
Type I Question (P.1 & 2 of “Essay Writing Samples”): A big salary is much more
important than job satisfaction. Do you agree or disagree?
Version 1, Body 1: A life of hustle and bustle tends to be a trade-off for huge salary,
while this unbalanced lifestyle often brings stress-related urban diseases, like
cardiovascular disease, cancer or even depression. In other words, even though high-
paid jobs would be alluring, the pressurized working environment may possibly
disrupt your health, leading to irreversible regrets. It is common to see affluent
people with high social status suffering from mental illnesses, like many famous
celebrities around the world. Psychotherapists in Psychotherapy and Wellness Centre
in the New York City also indicated that there is a strong correlation in between
stressful life events (like highly competitive working environment) and psychiatric
illness. The experts also warn people living in cosmopolitan cities to be more cautious
of health dangers led by stress as these threats are aggravating especially in those
high achievers.
Version 2, Body 1: Employees who earn a large income are generally under
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significant mental and emotional pressure to perform well and achieve targets. This
causes many individuals to suffer high levels of stress which can result in mental
health problems. This happened to my uncle. He used to boast about his huge salary
but the boss kept increasing his sales targets and in the end, the stress became too
great and he had a nervous breakdown. Now he regrets being driven by money.
______Version 1________ is a better written body paragraph because even though both
of them have elaborated and supported it with related evidence, _________ Version
1__________ provides less subjective and more convincing evidence.
Part II. Cohesion and coherence
Achieving cohesion
Coherence means the connection of ideas at the idea level, and cohesion means the
connection of ideas at the sentence level. Basically, coherence refers to the “rhetorical”
aspects of your writing, such as developing and supporting your argument, synthesizing
and integrating readings, organizing and clarifying ideas. The cohesion of writing focuses
on the “grammatical” aspects of writing, i.e. how sentences are linked by different
cohesive devices.
Activity c) Watch the video about coherence and cohesion:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=43AlGwz1Aq0
There are many ways to achieve cohesion in writing:
Using connectives
Using pronouns
Using synonym and antonym
Repeating words
Changing word forms
Applying ellipsis or substitution, etc.
Activity d) Can you identify some cohesive devices from the sample below? How do
sentences link together? Please highlight the cohesive devices accordingly.
Type III Question (P.4 of “Essay Writing Samples”): Testing newly introduced
medicines on animals are inhumane but is necessary. Do the advantages of animal
testing outweigh the disadvantages?
Version 1, BODY 1: The major benefit of animal testing would be that it can avoid
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human suffering and pain and extend their life span. With the advent of the
technology, scientists can inject the new medicine into animals instead of humans to
evaluate drug efficiency. Apart from alleviating human suffering, the result of the
animal testing can be largely enhanced. Take the bird flu or even the COVID-19
vaccine as an example. The scientists have to inject the vaccine in mice before making
a large-scale production in the labs. The reason behind the practice is that they can
assess the side effects first among the mice and modify the components of the
vaccine, hence ensuring the safety in humans before launching the vaccine to the
markets. In view of medical perspective, it is necessary to implement animal testing
unless there is more advanced technology to replace the animal testing by other
means in future.
Version 2, BODY 1: Firstly, animal experiments can better protect the human life,
because through the experiments, researchers can watch and record the medical
reaction in the animals, and then they can judge if there is any bad effect of the drug,
so that they can improve or choose to give up the drug according to the research
records. If these medicines are sold directly to people without testing on animals, it is
a very terrible thing because nobody can promise whether the new medicine is safe
to human life. So doing the animal testing is a necessary step for testing newly
introduced medicines.
Which version has a better cohesion? Why?
Version 1 has better writing skills. Sentences are broken down into appropriate parts
and it is easy to read. However, version 2 is squeezing all the thesis in one sentences.
________________________________________________________________________
Part III. Understanding grammatical and vocabulary range
Activity e)Please read the description of IELTS writing task 2 in Band 8 for the grammar
and vocabulary marking criteria. Can you highlight some repeated words appearing in
BOTH charts?
Band 8 Band 8
Grammatical range and accuracy Lexical resources
Uses a wide range of structures Uses a wide range of vocabulary
The majority of sentences are error- fluently and flexibly to convey
free precise meanings
Makes only very occasional errors or Skillfully uses uncommon lexical
inappropriacies items but there may be occasional
inaccuracies in word choice and
collocation
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Produces rare errors in spelling
and/or word formation
1. What does “a wide range of” mean in both marking criteria?
________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________
Activity f) Understanding different sentence structures: Watch the video from
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z0bZ8wNfuYA and take notes.
Sentence structures Definition
Activity g) Understanding lexical range and accuracy: Watch the video from
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pOLltMaGPhU&list=PLi58-
qf_wIXb6uJBQ64wxY0nuxXo8PVKA&index=2 and fill in the blanks below
5 tips for enhancing Lexical Resources in IELTS Task 2:
1. Use synonyms
2. Learn collocation
3. Use correct word formation
4. Check accuracy and add range
5. Use less common vocabulary
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Activity h) Let’s take a look at the body paragraphs in the sample writing (Refer to the
document “Essay Writing Samples”.
Type V Question (P.8 of “Essay Writing Samples”): Nowadays, the way many people
interact with each other has changed because of technology. In what ways has
technology affected the types of relationships people make? Has this become a
positive or negative development?
Version 1, BODY 1: Technology has greatly impacted relationships. One of the major
ways is that nowadays, people have more acquaintances and fewer close friends. For
example, we may tend to have numerous connections on social media websites like
Facebook or Instagram as it is convenient to keep contact online; thus, technology has
led to less face-to-face interaction, not to mention the online teaching and learning
through Zoom during the COVID-19 pandemic. Because using online platforms has
become an integral part of the lives of the majority these days, they often prefer
online chatting with peers than actually mingling with each other in person.
Version 2, BODY 1: Technology has separated people. One of the major ways is that
nowadays, people have more friends. For example, many people may have hundreds
and thousands of friends on social media websites. It is easy to connect through these
websites. Thus, technology has led to less face-to-face communication among people.
People spend more time online chatting with their friends than actually meeting them
face-to-face.
1. Please identify different sentence structures (simple, compound, complex or
compound-complex) in Version 1 and 2.
Which version has a better range of sentence structures? Version 1 or Version 2
2. Can you spot out a range of vocabulary used in Version 1?
3. What does “uncommon lexical items” mean? Under the two lexical chains found in
Version 1, which expressions are less common than others?
4. Please underline some nice collocation we can learn from Version 1.
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Application exercise:
After writing the outline and introduction in Session 3, please continue to write 1-2 body
paragraphs by applying the learning in this lesson.
Question: There is a good deal of evidence that increasing car use is contributing to
global warming and having other undesirable effects on people’s health and well-being.
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?
Type of question: _______________
Introduction:
1) Bkg statement
2) Thesis Statement (stance +reasons)
What is your stance?____________
Body paragraph:
B1: Reason 1________________
B2: Reason 2________________
Conclusion
BODY PARAGRAPHS:
