Single Dad CEO

A Billionaire Boss Romance

Lara Swann
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 Copyright © 2018 Lara Swann

All Rights Reserved

Cover Image: Photo by Conrado at Shutterstock.com

This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, dialogue and everything else are products
of the author’s imagination. Any similarity to people or events, living or dead, is entirely
coincidental.

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Table of Contents
Chapter One

Chapter Two

Chapter Three

Chapter Four

Chapter Five

Chapter Six

Chapter Seven

Chapter Eight

Chapter Nine

Chapter Ten

Chapter Eleven

Chapter Twelve

Chapter Thirteen

Chapter Fourteen

Chapter Fifteen

Chapter Sixteen

Chapter Seventeen

Chapter Eighteen

Chapter Nineteen

Chapter Twenty

Chapter Twenty-One

Chapter Twenty-Two

Chapter Twenty-Three

Chapter Twenty-Four
 Chapter Twenty-Five

Chapter Twenty-Six

Epilogue

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 Chapter One
Kenneth

“She’s saying what?!”

“That you made several sexual advances toward her – and when she
rejected them, you made the working environment difficult enough that she
was forced out of the job.” My lawyer repeats, in a matter-of-fact tone that’s
completely at odds with what he just said.
How dare she?!
If anything, Danielle Martin sexually harassed me, with the
suggestive comments and not-so-subtle invitations for after-work drinks
whenever we were working away. It got to the point that I finally had to tell
her outright that I wasn’t interested - and after that, working together was
just awkward. I was actually relieved when she finally announced that she’d
been head-hunted by another firm, despite the prominent gap it left in my
sales team.
I’d known she was disappointed when I didn’t counter their offer -
and then again when I rejected her suggestion to get dinner ‘now that we
don’t work together anymore’ - but I never thought her capable of this. Even
after that pointed comment about how I’d regret losing her.
“That’s the most ridiculous claim—”
“Yes, I know - but we still need to deal with it. The lawsuit says she’s
suing for several million and—”
“I’ll be damned if that woman gets a cent from me, Patrick.”
“Well, that’s why you’ve got me.” He says, still perfectly calm, as if
he deals with this sort of thing every day.
Which I’m pretty sure he hasn’t, as my company lawyer these last
few years, but then Patrick has always been totally unflappable.
“We’ll sort it, Kenneth - I just wanted to give you a heads up, and
some warning about the calls I’ll be putting into your diary. I’ve sent over
the documentation for you to look at, and we can discuss it in more detail
tomorrow, once I’ve found out a little more.”
I try not to groan. The last thing I need are more calls or another
urgent-top-priority item on my list.
“Okay, thanks Patrick. I’ll take a look at that today.”
I’m impressed that only some of the anger pulsing through me at this
accusation is obvious in my voice.
“You should give Kelly a call as well.” He adds. “We’re going to
need her help with this.”
I close my eyes briefly, not wanting to think about what my
company’s head of PR will think about this little incident, before nodding,
despite knowing he can’t see me.
“Will do.”
“Talk tomorrow then - and for what it’s worth, I’m sorry to be
bringing this to you. It’s a cheap trick, something like this.”
I grunt in acknowledgment, but don’t say anything more. If I think
about it too much, I’m not sure I’ll be able to control the fury boiling my
blood right now.
To be accused of that.
Just…I have no words. Nothing at all.
I put the phone down at least a minute after Patrick ended the call and
raise a hand to massage my temples. The flight earlier left me with a
headache and hearing this definitely isn’t helping.
It takes me a moment to get myself back under control, indulging in a
few minutes of cursing Danielle under my breath, and the butter-wouldn’t-
melt attitude that obviously hid something far more calculating.
Thank god you were never actually was interested in dating her. It
would have been Andrea all over again.
Maybe one gold-digger was enough to finally make me wary. That,
or my dick has just dried up completely.
It seems like sex is the last thing on my mind these days.
 I finally get myself back on an even keel again and reach for the
phone to call Kelly - when my computer pings with a fifteen-minute
calendar reminder.
I glance over, frowning.
Jessica Reynolds.
The name strikes me, something about it seeming oddly familiar, but
the appointment definitely isn’t. I didn’t have anything in my calendar for
this afternoon - I made sure of it.
I drop the phone back into the receiver and click on the email with
the calendar invite.
‘Found you a new secretary - she’s new, but good. Try not to scare
her off on the first day.
- Tyler’
I pause. I’d forgotten that Tyler had promised to fill Marcie’s role by
the time I got back from New York, even though the empty desk outside my
office should have reminded me. I sigh, remembering the way she stormed
out a couple of weeks into the job, claiming I demanded too much, worked
too hard and wanted everyone else around me to do the same while offering
no support whatsoever.
So, basically, the same complaints every woman I’ve ever known has
had about me.
I like to think that I tried to support her, but it didn’t help that the
woman was obviously lazy and struggled to pick up the simplest of tasks. It
doesn’t seem too much to ask to work with people who actually know how
to do their jobs. Of course, since none of the last four secretaries have lasted
longer than a couple of months, maybe she was right about working for me.
Or maybe Angela spoiled me, with her brisk efficiency and perfect
understanding of everything I needed. I’m pretty sure the whole company
has suffered from her career break - and I’m starting to despair at finding
anyone who can possibly fill the shoes she left.
I glance back at the screen, the clock telling me that the most recent
aspirant will be arriving any minute now. Honestly, I only got back to the
office an hour ago and I still haven’t even opened my briefcase. Between
Patrick’s urgent message and unexpected calendar invites…why are there
always so many things vying for my attention?
Jessica Reynolds being the latest.
I don’t have much hope she’ll be any better than the last few - surely
Tyler is running out of people to send my way by now and even he admitted
she was new - but there’s something about that name.
Where have I heard it before?
“Why do I recognize you, Jessica?” I murmur to the computer,
wondering if I’m imagining the whole thing.
I meet a lot of people. The name probably isn’t that uncommon.
The knock at the door interrupts the reverie and I glance up, calling
out in what I hope is a professional-but-friendly voice. I need to do
something to kick this reputation for being intimidating.
“Come in.”
My new secretary opens the door and strides in with the kind of
confidence and self-assurance that I immediately appreciate as I rise to
shake her hand.
She steps forward and—
Oh my god.
I finally get a good look at her face, a dozen images flashing in front
of my eyes.
That face.
Only younger - softer. Those warm brown eyes, looking up at me
with the kind of affection I’m not even sure I can remember. Her sun-kissed
hair slipping through my fingers.
Jessica Reynolds.
Of course.
“Mr. Stark.” She says, in the voice I remember, but different.
This one is cooler - professional.
 I shake her hand automatically, barely noticing the firm response as I
go through the motions in a daze. I’m still trying to process the woman
who’s just stepped out of a distant memory.
Jessica Reynolds.
Does she remember me?
“Jessica.” I say, a hint of levity in my voice as I marvel at the
coincidence. “My god, it’s been years.”
She meets my gaze evenly, then just shrugs. “Yes, I suppose it has.”
“How’ve you been?” I ask instinctively, suddenly curious about
everything.
It’s not often that you run into the first woman you ever loved.
“Fine.” She says simply, the dismissal dampening my sudden
enthusiasm and forestalling any other attempt to comment on our past,
before she continues. “Mr. Adams assigned me as your personal assistant.
I’ve had a chance to look at the different responsibilities involved with that
and get to know your main schedule and daily routine, but I thought it
would be good to run through my understanding of those and for us to
discuss any additional expectations you may have.”
I blink as she looks down at the stack of papers she’s carrying, only
just noticing those as she starts referring to a list in front of her, doing
exactly what she just suggested.
Doesn’t she remember any of our past? Doesn’t she find this bizarre?
Ordinarily, I think I’d be impressed by her pro-active attitude and I’d
probably be paying careful attention to everything she’s saying - because
despite what Marcie said, I do want to help her out. I want to make sure
she’s got the best understanding of this job possible.
But right now, that’s not what I’m thinking about. I’m not sure I
absorb the slightest thing she says as she runs down her list while I nod and
make approving noises.
I can’t believe she doesn’t seem to care in the slightest.
I mean, it’s been years. I haven’t thought about her for the longest
time and I guess she hasn’t either. There’s no reason she would. But still…if
she’s suddenly going to appear in my office…doesn’t the past deserve a
little more acknowledgment than that?
It was pretty intense at the time, if I remember right.
“Is there anything else you think I should be aware of, or that you’d
expect from me on a daily basis, sir?”
“Kenneth.” I say automatically, ignoring her question. She shoots me
a quizzical look and I repeat myself, more firmly. “Call me Kenneth. I don’t
expect formality.”
Actually, I’m not sure that’s something I’ve ever noticed before. I’m
pretty sure my other secretaries have called me ‘sir’ without me blinking an
eye about it - but the word sounds strange and unwelcome from Jessica.
I’ve known her too long and we’ve been too close for that distance.
“Okay…Kenneth.” She nods, but there’s a hint of wariness there, and
all of a sudden I wonder whether that was the wrong decision.
Hearing my name in her voice makes something weird flutter in my
stomach. A distant memory, an echo of something.
Damn, I wouldn’t have thought something like that could still affect
me. It was so long ago.
“And no.” I add, belatedly answering her question. “I think that
covers it all.”
I say, despite having no idea what she just talked about.
“But I’ll let you know if there’s anything else, or if you need to
change anything, as we get used to working together.” I add quickly,
wanting to cover myself so I’ve got the opportunity to change everything
she just suggested. Whatever that was.
“If that’s all then, Kenneth?” She asks, clearly bringing the meeting
to a close.
I nod, unable to think of anything else to say - until she’s almost at
the door.
“Jessica.” I say, stopping her, and I can’t help the slight way her
name softens in my mouth. “We should get coffee sometime - catch up.”
 She looks back over her shoulder, and just gives one of those small
shrugs again. “I’m not sure there’s much to catch up on.”
Then she’s out of the door before I can say anything else and I’m left
wondering what on earth just happened.
Leaning back in my chair and tapping one finger on the desk, I’m
forced to come to the obvious conclusion.
She doesn’t like me very much.
She’s being professional about it - but that’s definitely where she
wants to keep things. Professional.
Not that there should be any problem with that, unless it starts
interfering with the way we work together. Which I doubt, if that initial
meeting is anything to go by. I might not have been paying much attention,
but the efficient practicality of it made an impression anyway.
Does it matter if she doesn’t really like me, so long as I have an
efficient, effective secretary?
Probably not.
Does it matter that being around her seems to give me weird
flashbacks to when I was in high school?
I don’t know.
I shake my head. I guess that will probably pass, as I adjust to the
shock of seeing her again.
Jessica Reynolds.
Even after all these years, I can still remember the way it ended - the
last thing she said to me.
“You told me this would be forever, Kenneth. You said you’d be there
for me! But it was all lies…the moment this comes along you’re abandoning
me. Us. Everything. I can’t believe I trusted you…but you’re the one that’s
wrong, Kenneth. You’ll regret this - you might think the world is about
money and power and success, but it’s not. You’ll never be happy chasing
that.”
Fiery and determined, even then, with tears running down her face
and fists clenched at her side.
 I sigh softly, the guilt I felt for months afterward suddenly coming
back to me all over again, twisting in my stomach the way it used to do. I
spent a long time wondering whether I’d made a mistake - wondering
whether she was right, whether I’d regret my choices - but…I’m not sure I
can say I do, exactly.
Not taking the once-in-a-lifetime scholarship to MIT’s business
school. Not the friends I made out there, the experiences I had or the chance
to start a business that I’ve grown into a billion-dollar enterprise.
I never could have done any of that without leaving Springfield, all
those years ago.
Leaving Jessica behind.
For the first time in years, I wonder whether it really had to be about
leaving Jessica too. She would have come with me. She said that in an
instant, celebrating my success and future with giddiness and laughter as we
drank the cheap champagne my older sister had bought me.
But I wanted to start over - I wanted to be someone new, someone
different, and I didn’t want anything tying me down, holding me back. Not
even Jessica. Not even the girl I loved.
Yeah, I was a selfish dick about it.
But it was years ago - and we were just kids back then. A few
heartbreaks are just part of growing up, surely?
That’s what I told myself when I left, and it worked back then. The
guilt faded away quickly enough when I was surrounded by new people and
exciting opportunities. It seemed worth it.
Now, though…well, maybe that’s part of the reason for her cool
attitude. I’m not sure I can blame her. We might be long past the teenage
drama and any of that raw emotion, but she has every reason not to think
too highly of me.
I let out a long sigh and for one crazy moment, I consider
apologizing. I wanted to a dozen times back then, but somehow never quite
built up the guts for it.
And now…yeah, the moment has definitely passed.
 She’d probably laugh me out of the office if I tried. She’s definitely
way past caring about the asshole teenage boy who thought he could do
better in his shiny new life.
Pity. Now that I’ve seen her again, the idea of finding out everything
that she’s been up to over the last ten years is strangely appealing.
After another few minutes staring into the distance and thinking
about the past, I finally shrug it off.
Jessica Reynolds might be intriguing in more ways than one but all
that really matters is whether she can do her job or not. I certainly have far
too much to do to be distracted by the past, anyway.
I reach for the phone again, thinking about how I’m going to explain
this newest mess to Kelly and preparing myself to read the damning lawsuit
waiting in my in-tray.
Despite that and any other ‘emergencies’ that might come up today,
I’m determined to get out of here early. It’s been three days since I’ve seen
my little girl and all I really care about right now is getting back home. She
needs more of me than I ever seem able to give her and after a trip away I
need to remind myself of the way she seems to love and adore me despite
all my failings.
The brief memory of the guilt I had when I left Jessica can’t compare
to the one that gnaws at me now, every time my job takes me away from the
little girl that deserves all of my time and attention.

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 Chapter Two
Jessica

The moment I close the door behind me, I stop to take a deep breath.
I did it.
I let that thought sink in, but by the time I get to the desk just a few
paces away from the door I just closed, my hands have started shaking. I’m
slightly concerned that the rest of my body might do the same, something
inside me feeling fragile and unnerved, just by that brief meeting.
Did you really do it? Can you do this?
I ask myself the questions again, before shutting them down firmly.
I’ve already decided. I’m doing this.
I reach for the cup of coffee that’s still hot enough to warm my
shaking hands - something I’d prepared deliberately - and clasp it to me as I
let my eyes shut for a moment, inhaling the reassuring earthy scent of it.
Ten years. It’s been ten years.
I’ve been preparing for this moment for the last two days.
Even so, seeing him…seeing Kenneth…still managed to rock me to
my core.
He’s all grown up now. Somehow, I think when I pictured this
meeting, I still saw the smiling youth from my memory.
But no…he’s different.
The good looks and cheeky grin of the boy I knew never could have
prepared me for the way he looks now - as a man. The weight and gravitas
to him - the weathered skin and creases around his eyes that give him the
presence of a hardened businessman. Serious and unyielding.
Yes, he’s definitely changed. He’s harder now, I guess. Stronger, with
a depth that no eighteen year old could ever claim.
I could have guessed all that, of course - hell, I think I did. It’s not
like I expected him to be eighteen. But I don’t think I realized how striking
it would be.
I was so damn sure that the cocky teenage boy wouldn’t get under
my skin again…I didn’t stop to think that the man might. My stomach
wasn’t supposed to flutter when I saw him. I wasn’t supposed to react.
It’s been ten years - and I think part of me still resents him. Not for
leaving me, not anymore - I got over that teenage angst years ago - but for
the way it crushed me when he did. Everything I’d finally started believing
in…
So why the hell did I get that feeling again?
Damn it.
I shake my head and take a small sip of coffee, telling myself it was
just the shock of seeing him.
And that brief moment he suggested we catch up - when the light that
came into his eyes changed everything about his expression, all the maturity
shifting to give hints of the boyish nature I remembered.
That’s all it was. Memory. An instinctive response that’s somehow
stayed with me over all this time.
I’ll get over it.
He was an asshole all those years ago, and from what I’ve heard here,
not much has changed. But I decided I could deal with that when the head
of HR, Mr. Adams, offered me this promotion. Kenneth wouldn’t be the
first asshole I’ve worked for.
As for the rest…well. None of it matters now.
A few days of working together should be all I need for my body to
sort out its sudden confusion.
I can do this. I can.
And I want this job.
With that in mind, I finally open my eyes and put down the cup of
coffee, noting with satisfaction that my hands have stopped shaking.
See? You’ll be fine.
 I turn my attention back to the stack of paperwork in front of me, my
attention flicking between everything I need to sort through and the
computer in front of me that provides access to Kenneth’s emails and
calendar.
The activity there is a damn sight more than Ms. Jacobs in Product
Design, and I start to hope that maybe with this promotion, I won’t be quite
so bored.
Even as I start to pull the files toward me, my mind flicks defiantly
back to that brief meeting with Kenneth.
Yes, I have a feeling boredom is going to be the least of my worries in
this new role.

* * *

The day passes quickly and I’m surprised to see Kenneth leave
promptly at five o’clock. From everything I’ve heard, he usually works
until late into the night - and expects those around him to do the same.
He gives me a brief nod as he walks briskly toward the elevator, but I
don’t think he really sees me.
That’s a welcome relief from his repeated attempt to catch up with
me when we met earlier and I start hoping that the way I handled that
meeting was enough to steer this working relationship onto exactly the
ground I want - strictly professional.
We might have known each other once, but I have no interest in
hearing all about what happened in Kenneth’s life after high school. I mean,
the size of this business is enough to give me a pretty good idea - I guess he
did achieve everything he set out to, after all - but I don’t need the details.
In fact, I’ve barely seen him at all today. I don’t expect that to be
typical - if I’m doing my job well, I’ll be informing him of everything he
needs to know regularly - but he just got back from a business trip and I’d
already left him with notes on everything urgent he needed to catch up on.
And he left early, which I probably find more interesting than I should.
 Maybe he’s meeting someone. A business meeting. No, you’d know
about that. Personal then. Yes, that’s it, personal.
I quickly shut down the direction of that thought. I don’t need to be
thinking about his personal life - it’s really none of my business and I’d
rather keep it that way.
I finish off my review of everything on Kenneth’s agenda tomorrow
and the notes I’ve made about each item in preparation for the five minute
run through I’ve put into his diary for first thing in the morning, then look
around and hesitate. I had expected to work much later tonight, but…well…
if he’s already left…
It’s my first day in this role and it goes against every instinct to leave
earlier than I’d planned to, but if I’m going to be finishing late more often
than not, surely I should make the most of this opportunity?
It’s not like I can do much more without Kenneth here anyway.
And I could see Gramps.
That’s the thought that finally decides me.
I file the last of the items on my desk, locking them away out of
habit, even if they’re relatively unimportant and are just going to come out
again tomorrow morning.
Then I pack up my bag and leave the office with a slight bounce in
my step, the thought of seeing my grandfather lightening the strange mood
seeing Kenneth earlier has put me in.
When I get to the care home, the receptionist - Angela - gives me a
warm smile.
“Good timing, hun. Thomas has just finished dinner.”
I smile back at her, my stomach rumbling slightly as it reminds me I
haven’t had dinner yet, but I ignore it.
“Great - do you know where he is?”
“Last I saw he was terrorizing Janet in the TV room.”
I grin at her, my heart lifting in the same way it does whenever I
come here, and I give her a little wave as I set off in that direction.
 The hallway is light and airy, with plush carpets and walls decorated
haphazardly with a mixture of dramatic landscapes, strange looking modern
geometric shapes and children’s drawings. Quirky, sure, but that suits
Gramps perfectly - there’s more personality in one hallway here than the
entirety of half the disinfectant-smelling, sterile care homes I looked at.
It’s expensive, enough that I haven’t exactly told Gramps that his
savings aren’t covering all of it, but it’s worth every bit of scrimping I’m
doing to see the nurses’ warm expressions the moment I come in here.
There are just too many horror stories about what might be going on
in those places to consider letting him go anywhere else. Hell, even here, I
start panicking slightly if I haven’t been in to visit for a couple of days.
It’s not like I’m struggling too much, either - moving back into
Gramps’ old house has helped and with this promotion…yeah, I’m doing
fine. Just so long as I can continue to afford this, that’s all that matters.
“Hey, Gramps!” I call out, to the obvious disapproval of a couple of
the ladies sat watching a soap opera at the front of the room. “Sorry.”
He looks up toward me and the familiar grin spreads across his face
as he tries to turn the wheelchair around.
The larger nurse he was talking to goes to help immediately, pushing
him over to me and steadfastly ignoring the way he scowls up at her. That’s
the other thing I like about this place - the staff are just as stubborn as my
old grandfather.
“Jessie! What are you doing here?” He says, the warmth of his
slightly roughened voice spreading through me immediately.
“My new boss left early, so I figured I could get away with doing the
same.” I say with a smile, leaning down to give him a kiss.
“I’ll leave you both to it.” Janet smiles at us both and starts walking
away.
Gramps looks after her for a moment, then sends a mock-glare in my
direction. “I thought you weren’t coming in…now look what you did,
getting in the way of my flirting. She was really interested, you know.”
 “Gramps!” I say, rolling my eyes at him. “Just think what Grandma
would say.”
“She’d tell me I had good taste, that’s what she’d say, and mind you
—”
“Shhh!”
The two ladies at the front turn around and glare at us - and I guiltily
take the handles of the wheelchair, spinning Gramps around so he’s facing
the door and holding one hand up apologetically.
“C’mon, Gramps, how about we go cause a disturbance somewhere
else?”
“Like the damn inquisition, those two.” He grumbles as I start
wheeling him out. “Can’t get a moment’s peace.”
I can’t help the small smile to myself. I’m pretty sure they feel
exactly the same way about us right now.
“Shall we go out into the gardens? Is the old chess board still out
there?”
From this angle I can’t see his expression, but I’m pretty sure from
the way he shifts eagerly in the chair he’s positively gleaming at the
suggestion.
“Ooh, yes, let’s do that. I was trading tactics with Mark the other
week - he’s quite good, you know, had me on the ropes for a little while. I
can teach you a few more things.”
“Uhuh.”
Gramps’s idea of teaching me chess is to beat me thoroughly and
then go back and explain every slightest mistake I made and just how he
exploited it. I’ve never been particularly good and he’s always been more
than a little gleeful about it, but now that I’m not a kid that doesn’t bother
me anymore - it’s just another thing we do together, and that’s good enough
for me.
We get out into the garden and I steer us over to the table with the
chess board set out on it.
“I can do this myself, you know.” He points out.
 “I know, but isn’t it nice to have a break while I’m here?”
He grunts, but I don’t think he quite agrees. We get to the table
before it can turn into a full-blown argument and I move one of the chairs to
wheel him into place.
When I’m finally sitting opposite him, I don’t miss the scrutinizing
glance he gives me.
“So he’s not as much of a demon as you thought, this boss of yours?”
I shrug, not quite looking at him as I set up the chess game. The last
thing I want to talk about right now is Kenneth.
“It’s only been a day, Gramps, it’s too early to tell yet.”
“Hmm…” He shakes his head. “Well I’m glad they had the sense to
give you that promotion but it’s still nothing on the job you had out in St.
Louis, Jessie. They’re still going to take you back there anytime you want,
right?”
“That’s what they said.” I say, for what feels like the hundredth time.
Not that I’ve asked them in the last three months since I left. It was
unexpected enough that my old boss, Charlie, said it at all. I don’t think it’s
exactly professional to double-check every month that the offer still exists.
“And as soon as I get out of here, you’ll go right back, won’t you?”
“Mhm.” I make an agreeing noise, without actually agreeing.
I know it bothers him that I moved back to Springfield when he had
his stroke and the last thing I want is for him to feel like he’s keeping me
here, or that I’m missing out because of it. I don’t mind - really. If anything,
it’s nice to be able to see him all the time now - I hadn’t realized how much
I’d missed that.
Sure, the secretary work I picked up at ExVenture was a bit of a
disappointment compared to my events coordination role in St. Louis, but
I’m hoping this new role will fill some of what I’ve missed. It will certainly
be far more busy - and providing that kind of assistance to a CEO should
give me some interesting things to manage. It definitely hits on the same
penchant for organization that I loved about events coordination, even if it
has a little less flare and glamour to it.
 “Good. Won’t be long now, Jessie.” He says, taking his attention
away from me and starting to focus on the chess pieces in front of him.
I nod, but I don’t say anything. I know how hard he’s working at the
physiotherapy and the doctors did say that it would be possible to recover
from the affects of the stroke, but even so…I’m not sure. Gramps’s initial
determination was the same thing that made him insist he could manage at
home despite the weakened right leg - until he fell over and broke his hip,
too. Then I refused to hear anything else about it.
The only constants I’ve ever had in my life have been him and
Grandma, and with her gone the last five years…I’m going to make sure
he’s okay, even if he refuses to care about it himself. The idea of something
going wrong and losing him…
I shake it off. That’s the last thing I want to be thinking about - and I
look up at him, bright eyed and grinning with anticipation of the game
we’re about to play, to reassure myself that he’s as lively as he’s always
been.
“I love you, Gramps.”
The words come unbidden and he looks up at me, something in his
expression softening as he holds out his better left hand to me.
“I love you too, Jessie.” He gives me one of those laughing-smiles
I’ve known for what feels like forever. “Doesn’t mean I’m going easy on
you, though.”
I laugh, trying to hold back the tears that want to threaten at the edges
of my eyes.
I’m not going to lose this. I won’t.
I squeeze his hand, then spend most of the game watching and
appreciating the old man in front of me, instead of paying the slightest
attention to the moves I’m making.
He beats me quickly - but the explanation afterward seems to take
forever. Even then, I don’t mind. These days, I treasure every moment we
have together.
 “Shall we play another?” He asks, after totally confusing me with a
roundabout explanation of a move he had set up about ten turns before to
check-mate me.
My stomach gives a loud, decisive rumble before I can answer and
his eyes narrow.
“Didn’t you eat before coming down here?”
I shake my head.
“What are you thinking, girl? Didn’t I teach you better than that?”
“I wanted to see you.” I say, with a small smile, and he grumbles a
little.
“Well, you’ve seen me. Now get on with you and take care of
yourself for once.” He shakes his head. “I’ve got all these people running
around making sure I’m okay - you need some of them, that’s what you
need, Jessie.”
“Mhm.” I smile softly, but I take the hint and lean forward. “Okay,
Gramps. I’ll come again as soon as I can, alright?”
“Not if you need to be working. If you can’t make it, then don’t.” He
shakes his head. “I can look after myself, you know. I was doing that just
fine until you got all bossy about it.”
“You were doing it just fine until you got old, Gramps. Don’t blame
me.”
He scowls, but then he laughs and with a little bit of effort pushing
off from the table and the wheelchair, he stands up to hug me goodbye. My
heart lurches as he shifts unsteadily on his feet, wavering a little, and I’m a
few seconds from darting forward to support him - but I know exactly what
he’d say to that.
Frowning, he takes a moment to steady himself - and then he looks
up at me with a grin.
“See? I’ll be running around in no time.”
I laugh, leaning forward to hug him tight to me. His body is more
frail and bony than I like, some part of my mind remembering when it was
thick and solid and all-encompassing, but it’s no worse than it has been for
the last few months.
“I’ll pay good money to see that.” I tell him, giving him a kiss on the
cheek before carefully stepping back, letting him have enough room to hold
onto something else.
“Go on.” He says, as he sees me obviously waiting for him to settle
back down. “I’m going off to see where that nurse got to…go and find your
dinner! And come back to tell me about this new job at the weekend - I
don’t want to see you before!”
I smile at him, amused. We both know I’ll be coming back before
then.
But I give him half of what he wants and leave without insisting on
supervising him getting back down into his chair. I’m just grateful there are
enough people working here that I figure someone is probably watching.
By the time I start up the car and head home, my body is definitely
complaining at the late dinner - but my heart feels a little lighter.
I made the right decision coming back here.
Of course, there was never any other choice.
Even if it means I have to deal with Kenneth Stark on a daily basis.
That thought makes me sigh again, but it doesn’t feel nearly as
unsettling as it did before I went to see Gramps. That always puts life into
perspective for me.
When I open the door of his house and flick on the light switch, a
dark black shadow comes racing toward me.
Meeoooow!
I laugh as I shut the door, trying not to trip over the writhing form in
between my legs.
Meeoow.
“Okay, okay.” I murmur. “I know I’m late, fluffball, but I haven’t had
dinner either. You don’t see me complaining about it.”
Meeoow!
 “Right, of course. I forgot that you’re much more important than me,
Pan.”
I give in, reaching down to scratch at the itchy spot on his neck
before making my way to the kitchen while trying to avoid the cat around
my legs.
“You know, this would go faster if you didn’t try to trip me up the
whole time.” I murmur, but I’m smiling.
I get the packet of cat food out first, squeezing it into his bowl and
mashing it up for him before I tend to myself and the leftover bowl of pasta
in the fridge. I watch our obviously-starving cat with amusement until the
microwave oven pings and then I take the bowl through into the living
room.
I sigh as I curl up into the armchair under the window, bringing my
legs up under me as I practically inhale my own bowl of food with the
speed at which I finish it. I’m left only just full and wishing I’d left myself
the bigger half for today instead of eating it yesterday - as always.
You should just make bigger portions. Damn the recipe’s ‘healthy’
guidelines. Who ever wanted to be healthy?
By the time I set it aside, Pan has come wandering much more slowly
into the living room, ambling across to me and looking up with big, green
eyes.
“Okay, fluff. C’mon little Panther, come up then.”
I set the bowl aside and shift position so that he can jump up into my
lap. He walks around it a little bit, seeming to take every opportunity to
stretch his claws against my thighs, before curling up with a contented purr.
I stroke him with a soft smile.
“You seem a good deal more satisfied than I am, Pan. You like the
chicken one, huh?”
I scratch his chin and his eyes half-close with pleasure as he settles
down. He might be a demanding little thing, but he’s also warm and an easy
companion.
 “I missed you, too.” I admit. “Can’t tell you the number of times I
looked into getting a cat in my old apartment, but they never let me. Not
that you would have liked that, I guess, you wouldn’t want another cat
stealing my affection, huh?”
He doesn’t even meow in response - now that he’s eaten, I think he
has very little to say.
“So, you going to help me figure out what to do about my new
boss?” I ask, stroking him idly.
There’s a part of me that still wants to talk about that - that’s still
insisting on thinking about it, too. And right now, it looks like the only one I
can count on to listen is Pan.
I mean, Gramps would, but I’m not entirely sure I want to tell him
my new boss is the same boy who broke my heart ten years ago. I briefly
considered texting someone to go out for a drink tonight, but it’s been a
long time since I saw any of my old friends back here and I’m not sure
launching into any of this is the best way to start getting to know them
again.
I probably need to reach out soon - I can’t just spend my days seeing
Gramps and talking to Pan, I know I’m going to need more than that to
make Springfield feel like home again - but after my first day in this new
job and seeing Kenneth again? I’m emotionally drained enough already.
So, Pan it is.
“It’s not that I’m hung up on it.” I tell Pan. “I mean, I got over all of
that. But it’s just strange, you know? I don’t know quite how to just be
around him. We should be different people by now, right? I mean, we are.
But there’s still…I don’t know…something. Just the knowledge of who he
was isn’t going to go away so easily.”
I scratch his ears and he purrs.
“What would you do, fluff ball?” I ask, my fingers tapping against
the side of the armchair. “On the one hand, it’ll be a much more interesting
job. I’ll get to be at the center of ExVenture and working for a CEO - there’s
something to be said for that. Might stop me going out of my mind with
boredom. And then there’s the money too, which if I’m honest about it, I
think I need.”
His tail flicks across my wrist, back and forwards, and I smile gently
at him.
“It just means working - very closely - with a guy I used to love, who
left me and broke my heart, that’s all. Seeing him every day, helping him
out, making his life easier…that sort of thing. And, apparently, trying to
avoid his attempts to bring all that back into my mind and catch up on
everything about our lives since high school. Well, I’ve done just fine. No
thanks to him. The last thing I want is him getting involved again now…or
wanting to be friends. Getting over the past is one thing, but I don’t think I
could ever be friends with Kenneth Stark again, Pan.”
That was the worst part about seeing him today - the way he seemed
to want to talk as if we were old friends. We’re not old friends. We’re…
something else entirely. And I don’t want any of that in my day-to-day job.
“Maybe he was just being polite, Pan. I guess he was as surprised to
see me as I was when I came back here and found out the city’s newest up-
and-coming start-up was owned by him. Maybe he’ll drop it.”
That would certainly help.
“Or maybe he’ll just fire me now that he knows who I am.” I say,
with a wry smile.
That was something I considered when Mr. Adams originally offered
me the role. It was one thing to be employed by your old ex’s company -
there are enough people at ExVenture that we might never have seen each
other and I doubt he gets told about all their new employees. But once he
actually saw me? Once he was faced with the idea of working with me?
It might not just be me who doesn’t want to revisit the past.
I decided to take the risk anyway, figuring if it all went wrong there
was a good chance I’d simply end up being someone else’s secretary again -
I doubt the company would want the risk of an unfair dismissal lawsuit, so
he probably wouldn’t get rid of me entirely.
“So, what do you think, Pan? Is the job worth dealing with
Kenneth?”
 I scratch behind his ears, to no response whatsoever - then lean in for
a closer look, the purring at the edge of my hearing starting to sound
slightly more like soft snores.
“You’ve fallen asleep, haven’t you?” I roll my eyes. “Well, what a lot
of good you are to me.”
I sigh, but I give him a fond smile anyway.
“Guess I’m just going to have to keep going and wait and see with it
then, huh?” I shake my head. “At least until you offer me some better
advice, anyway.”

OceanofPDF.com
 Chapter Three
Kenneth

The cell phone on the other end clicks off and I look at my own with
a sinking feeling.
God damn it.
I should have expected it.
Kara usually calls in sick after staying over to watch Abbie while I’m
away on business. It’s an irritation that I don’t say anything about, because
Abbie likes her and finding someone willing to stay over at short notice is
hard enough already.
What I didn’t think about is that my back-up Nanny, Martha, is out of
state all week.
Which leaves me totally screwed for however long Kara decides she
needs to recover. I have to grind my teeth in frustration - looking after my
little girl isn’t that exhausting and if she just talked to me in advance about
wanting a day or two off the next week…
I resist the urge to call her back and ask if she’s really sick, or
whether she might make a miraculous recovery if I offer her a little more
money. Something about the idea of that grates with me though. I don’t
want her coming in to look after my daughter just because of the money, if
I’m going to trust her with Abbie it has to be because of more than that -
and I’m already paying her enough that I wonder at times whether she’s
taking advantage.
But I don’t have time to look for anyone else, and it’s too hard to
introduce Abbie to someone else. She already has enough temporary people
in her life as it is.
Not least of which, her own mother.
I stop myself from thinking of that, before I start wishing for
something I haven’t had since Abbie was still in diapers - someone to do
this with me. Or, if not that, at least someone I could call when it was
difficult, who would step up because they care about our daughter as much
as I do.
Two Nannies down, I put the phone away with a sigh. I’ve got two
big meetings today - one of which is a prospective client I’ve been trying to
get in the door for ages, a high end health food shop that would be just
perfect for my natural produce snack bars - so I can’t simply announce
decide to work from home.
Unfortunately, that only leaves one option…
I walk back into the kitchen and see Abbie still sitting sleepily at the
breakfast table, little fists in her eyes as she wipes the sleep dust out of
them. The wild mess of hair puffed up behind her head and the slightly
stained pajamas she’s wearing immediately tell me I’m not going to make
the nine o’clock strategy meeting I had planned, however well this
conversation goes.
I send off a quick text to Jessica, telling her to rearrange it before I
approach my daughter.
That’s one thing that’s become remarkably easy over the last week - I
hadn’t realized how much additional stress and pressure it was putting on
me to have someone turn around and ask why all the time, or try to point out
how difficult everyone’s schedules and diaries were, when I simply needed
to move something.
With Jessica, it just seems to happen.
She really is a good secretary.
That much has become very obvious, even in the short week we’ve
worked together. Maybe a little cool and distant about it, but if I’m honest I
might even prefer that. I don’t have time to hear the life stories of everyone
I’m working with - or the latest gossip about what they got up to over the
weekend. Her approach is almost easier - we just talk about everything I
need to know and do, and it works.
I make a mental note to send an email to Tyler to thank him - and let
him know he got it right this time. I get a burst of amusement as it occurs to
me just how lazy I’ve become, as I realize that I can’t send a quick voice
message to Jessica to get her to remind me about something like that.
 I shake off the thoughts as I crouch beside Abbie’s chair.
“Sweetie…” I say, drawing her attention away from the two horse
figures she’s playing with at the table. Waiting for her breakfast, no doubt,
which would usually be here right about now with Kara. “Do you want to
come see Daddy’s work today?”
I smile at her, trying to make it an attractive proposition, knowing
this could go one of two ways. Either she gets excited by the idea of seeing
me working and being part of what I do every day when I’m not with her -
or she gets grouchy and annoyed at being away from all her toys.
It usually depends on how recently I’ve had to take her in, and how
much she remembers of it, but it’s been a while this time, so…
“Yeah!” She grins and I take a small breath of relief as I reach out to
ruffle her mess of dark brown hair.
“Great!” I say, trying to match her enthusiasm and not think about all
the things I have to do today or how exactly this is going to work. She
deserves that, even if it’s hard sometimes. “But you know, sweetie, if you’re
going to come into work with me…you have to look professional too.”
I stand up and gesture to my smart-looking suit. “Like Daddy.”
Her face scrunches up as she processes that. “Yeah?”
“Yeah.” I nod, seriously. “So how about I find you some breakfast,
and then we go and make you all pretty and presentable for all the people I
work with - some nice clothes, hmm?”
Sometimes Kara lets her stay in pajamas a little longer than I’d like,
so suggesting actually getting dressed is another area that fluctuates
depending on her mood, but she gives me a big smile and nods easily
enough. I don’t mention her hair. There’s no way I can do that without all
this progress disappearing into a maelstrom of upset.
My little girl can be an angel at times - curious and sweet and full of
life and energy - but I’m slowly realizing mornings aren’t really her thing.
I’ll just have to get her dressed and then let her figure out for herself
that wild out-of-control hair doesn’t quite fit with the look.
Hopefully.
 * * *

We get into work far later than I intended, but with Abbie still
smiling at me and asking questions about where I work, so I count the
morning as a success. Her hair is even mostly brushed, if you ignore a
particularly difficult knot at the back that I decided wasn’t worth ruining her
good mood.
I get in before the strategy meeting was due to finish so I don’t have
to ask Jessica to postpone anything else - but I’m also aware I don’t have
too much time to prepare for a couple of important calls I was supposed to
be making this morning.
And I have to keep Abbie happy while I’m doing it. The
complications buzz around in my mind and I try not to feel overwhelmed
with it all. As wonderful as it is to spend more time with my little girl, I’ve
never dealt well with having Abbie here at work with me. The conflict
between balancing my daughter and my work is hard enough when I spend
time on each sequentially - but with her in the same office as me, it’s
impossible to feel like I’m not neglecting her somehow whenever I have to
go to a meeting or take a call.
Normally, I’d have my secretary watch her whenever I’m in meetings
but…for once, I feel strangely nervous about the idea of that. I’m actually
not even sure how I feel about explaining Abbie’s presence to her at all -
despite that fact she’s my daughter and it’s not like I haven’t done this
before.
I usually don’t think twice about asking for my secretary’s help with
her - but Jessica…well, that’s different. And it doesn’t help that she’s also a
really good secretary. I’ve always known the others resented it a little when
I’d leave Abbie with them - claiming it was a different job entirely and I
was expecting them to do two things at once and all of that - despite the
way I tried to lower my expectations of them doing any actual secretarial
work when I brought Abbie in.
 The only part that bothered me about it was that I didn’t want my
daughter to be seen - or treated - as an inconvenience. But with Jessica…
well, it’s going to suck if she gets pissed off about it and pushes her toward
leaving the way all the rest have. I find myself actually wanting to keep her
- and her skills - around, in a way I haven’t with any of the others.
Even in this short time, I think I’ve come to rely on her help.
None of that would be so bad - I think I could probably make it up to
her - if she wasn’t obviously determined to keep everything on a
professional level between us. I’m not sure asking her to look after my
daughter is exactly professional - and even though it’s been years, I’m not
quite sure what the etiquette is in introducing your ex to a daughter you’ve
had with another woman.
By the time I’m riding the elevator up to the floor with my office and
trying to find myself entertained by the way Abbie is jumping and giggling
at the way the sudden lift makes her stomach feel, I feel more like banging
my head against the wall to stop thinking about all the ways this could go
wrong.
I’m probably over-thinking it entirely, I know that, but I always do
when Abbie is involved.
I take her hand as we step out of the elevator and head towards my
office - and I can already see from glimpses through the glass-walled
meeting rooms that down the hallway, Jessica is sat right there, as always.
It’s probably cowardly that part of me was hoping we could just go
into my office and I could get Abbie set up with a few toys without Jessica
ever knowing…until…what? She comes in to give me an update on
something, as she usually does at various times throughout the day?
Yeah, great plan, Kenneth.
“Hey.” I call softly, my tone different than it usually is as we
approach her desk.
I don’t know whether that’s because of my daughter, or Jessica.
“Kenneth.”
 She responds with her usual brisk business-like tone before glancing
up at me, no doubt ready to rattle through the list of things on my agenda
today, as she usually does in the morning. I’m watching closely, so I see the
exact moment she registers Abbie beside me - and her mouth closes
abruptly, her eyes widening as her expression shifts.
“This is my daughter, Abbie.” I say, before she has a chance to think
or say anything. “Abbie, this is Jessica. She helps me out here.”
“Hello!” Abbie says enthusiastically, bouncing forward a little as she
smiles up at Jessica.
“Well…hello there.” Jessica smiles back at her and I blink as I realize
I don’t think I’ve seen her smile in the week she’s been working for me.
She’s been formal and reserved the whole time.
It changes something about her expression, takes me back to the
softness she used to have…
I cut that thought off abruptly. The last thing I need to be thinking
about right now is our past.
“I’m working with Daddy today!” Abbie announces eagerly.
If anything, Jessica’s smile widens and she nods seriously.
“That’s good. I think he needs all the help he can get, around here.”
Her voice is warm, and I’m surprised at the sudden gratitude I feel for the
way she’s indulging my little girl.
That wasn’t what I was expecting. Actually, I’m not sure exactly
what I was expecting, but…well…I didn’t think she’d be pleased to
suddenly be confronted by all of this. I’m still not sure she is, of course, but
whatever she thinks about it all, at least she’s not making it obvious to
Abbie. That’s all that really matters to me.
“I’m good at helping.” Abbie nods back. “Aren’t I, Daddy?”
I’m pulled out of my sudden reverie by the question and have to take
a moment to shake it off, pulling my attention back to my daughter as I
smile down at her, ruffling her hair a bit.
“Always, baby girl.” I squeeze her hand. “Come on, lets go get you
settled into my office with all your toys, huh?”
 She nods distractedly, but she’s not really looking at me - her
attention is on the smiling woman in front of her. Abbie has been like that
for the last few months - fascinated by everyone and everything around her,
asking endless questions and just generally making me proud of how
curious and outgoing she’s become.
There’s no fear in her. I’m pretty sure when I was a kid, I was pretty
shy, but Abbie just walks straight up to people and starts talking.
“We had a mix-up with the Nanny today.” I say to Jessica, as an
aside. “So Abbie will be here with me today. Probably best if you just send
me an email with your notes for the day.”
“Sure.” She says, but her voice is more contemplative than anything,
and she’s still looking at Abbie as I start to coax my daughter into my
office.
I don’t stop to find out what she’s thinking - and despite how well
that seemed to go, I wonder whether it’s better if I don’t find out at all.
There’s something about that expression…about the way she smiles…the
way she talked to Abbie…
No. Don’t go there.
Maybe she was right about how to handle working together like this.
Purely professional.
Even if I’m still damn curious about what she’s been up to these last
ten years.
“Okay, sweetie, shall we find somewhere for you to play?”
I look down at my daughter, slinging the bag I brought with all the
things she might need off my shoulder and setting it down to one side of my
office.
“I want to help you, Daddy!”
I smile softly. Abbie has always been fascinated by whatever I might
be doing. Maybe it’s because I’m raising her by myself, but I worry
sometimes about where that sort of single-minded focus is really coming
from.
 “Well right now, Abbie, you can help me best by showing me what
you were playing yesterday, hm? That’s what I want to know.”
“But…” She looks over at the desk with all the documents I didn’t
get around to reading yesterday and the computer already started up casting
white light over the whole thing - thank you for that Jessica. “Daddy, your
work…”
“You’re more important than any of that, sweetie. Will you show me
what you were doing yesterday?”
She looks at me, skeptical, and I feel guilty both about that and
because despite every part of that being true - my little girl is far more
important than my work - I also know that the reason I’m doing this is so
that she’ll be content while I do switch my attention to my job.
“Okay then…”
She tips the bag upside down, upending all the contents all over the
floor, but I let her despite the mess it makes. Hell, my office is probably too
pristine half the time anyway - it’s nice to have something of my daughter
about it, too.
She starts mumbling under her breath as she assembles various
plastic animals and I try to join in, being interested and asking questions
like the parent I want to be, all while trying not to glance at my watch or
think about how much time I have left to prep for the next couple of
meetings.
It half-works. I think.
Once she’s started to get lost in her game and imagination, I tell her
quietly that I might just go and check my computer in case anyone needs
me, and I’m relieved when she just mumbles something and waves her hand
at me. I try not to be sad that she’s more used to this than she should be, and
she probably expects it by now.
But for the moment she’s happy enough with her toys and I breathe a
small sigh of relief as I seat myself behind my desk approximately two and
a half hours later than I should have done, looking for all the things I might
have missed in that time. Judging by the number of emails and missed calls
I’ve got, as well as the notes that flash up on my screen every now and then
from Jessica - sorted into urgent, important, information and minor lists -
that’s quite a lot.
I glance over at Abbie, already wondering how I’m going to manage
taking calls in here without disturbing either my daughter’s happy
murmurings or the meeting itself. Not to mention what’ll happen for those
two major meetings I have later on.
I think again of Jessica sat outside, of the way she talked to and
looked at Abbie, and I wonder…
But I shake my head, determined not to ask her. For some reason,
that feels like it crosses too many boundaries.
She’s my ex. And a secretary that’s too good to risk losing over
something like this.
Abbie. My job. Jessica.
Not for the first time, I wonder which of the plates and priorities I’m
juggling today are going to get screwed up by the others.

OceanofPDF.com
 Chapter Four
Jessica

Kenneth has a daughter!

I’m trying to work, but every time I think I’m starting to get into the
flow of things, that thought intrudes.
A daughter. A little girl.
Someone who at this very moment is right there in his office.
Existing.
I don’t know why this blows my mind, but for some reason it does -
especially after what I’ve seen of him over the last week. He’s not exactly
the kind of guy I would call family-oriented.
But then…what would I know?
I’ve only seen him at work - and his reputation here is well known.
Though, having worked this closely with him for a week, I’m not sure I’d
quite say he’s as ruthless and demanding as the other secretaries I’ve
worked with seem to think.
He’s focused, sure, and determined about it. I’m just not sure where
the negativity around that comes from. I mean, he runs a company, what do
they expect?
Even with my own bias against him, I have to reluctantly admit he
hasn’t been that bad to work for. If anything, his obvious desire for
efficiency and getting the job done seems to fit my need to be purely
professional quite nicely. Since that first day, he hasn’t made any more
comments about getting coffee or catching up either, and I’ve been enjoying
the work.
Being his assistant puts me right in the center of ExVenture and
there’s something invigorating about feeling like I’m in the beating heart of
a company, with everything that forms a part of it going through and past
and around me. Probably even more so than it touches him, since I’m the
one that filters it. It’s a god-damn more interesting than being some Product
Design exec’s secretary, that’s for sure.
But still…a daughter.
My god.
He has a child! Or…maybe even children?!
Oh wow…what if she’s not the only one? What if he goes home to…
like…a wife and three kids running around or something?
I have to stop myself from giggling. Somehow, I just can’t imagine it.
Even if he was kind of different in front of his daughter. I mean, of
course. I might not know much about them, but even I’d guess that children
don’t like it when your voice is all professional and detached.
I shake my head and tell myself resolutely to stop thinking about it
and focus on what I’m doing - but I can’t help it, for once my mind isn’t on
my work.
I guess that’s probably okay, because with Abbie in there I doubt
Kenneth is all too focused on his work either. I’m more than aware of the
list of things that didn’t get done this morning, and while I tried to suggest
possible people to delegate more than half of it to, it still leaves a lot to
catch up on.
I keep wondering how he’s getting on in there. What they’re both
getting up to.
How the super-efficient, no-nonsense businessman is coping with a
little girl to disrupt him. My mouth twitches at the idea, as I start thinking
about what it would be like to be a fly on the wall in that room right now.
It really shouldn’t surprise me. If anything, I should have expected it
- I mean, he’s twenty-eight, same as me.
This is the sort of age people start having kids, right? I know plenty
of girls from back in school who are already married with a couple of little
ones, and even one of my friends in my old events coordinator job is
pregnant now.
Only…Abbie isn’t exactly a baby. So I guess he started a while ago.
So what, though? Why shouldn’t he?
 Why do I keep thinking about this?!
I shake my head and even though I know I shouldn’t, I can’t help
comparing.
In the last ten years he’s founded a billion-dollar company and he’s
got a family.
What have you done, Jessica?
It’s a stupid question. It shouldn’t be comparable. No one could ever
expect to have that sort of success - and it’s not like I ever wanted to start a
business. I’m not even sure about a family, either. My experience of that so
far has been…mixed…to say the least. Seems like there’s entirely too much
risk of it all going wrong.
So it doesn’t matter. If I don’t want it, who cares that he got it? With
someone else.
I’m happy. I have a good life. I’ve got a grandfather whose love has
never been in doubt, a cat that tolerates me admirably and even shows
occasional affection, and good friends. I might even have a job I’m starting
to enjoy.
That’s always been enough.
It’s just…I guess you don’t expect to see someone you used to know
making up-and-coming hotshot headlines.
Someone you used to date.
Someone you lost.
“At least you’re not a dick.” I mutter to myself. “You’re a decent
person who doesn’t promise the world to someone and then abandon them
completely. That’s more important.”
A small part of me wonders if that age-old resentment is starting to
wear a little thin, but I cling to it anyway.
The last thing I need is to start getting confused about my feelings
toward my new-boss-old-ex.

* * *
 As the day continues without much actual work being done - from
either of us, as far as I can tell - my attention keeps drifting in and out.
Both to the little girl I can hear chattering away to herself inside
Kenneth’s office…but also to the desk drawer I’ve been steadfastly ignoring
so far.
And what’s inside it.
The letter that came this morning.
The one that I saw just as I was leaving for work this morning - the
one that almost made me late, as I stood there, my whole world feeling like
it was spiraling out of control. I didn’t have time to work out what to do
with it then - definitely not if I was going to open it, and even throwing it
away would have been too much to deal with.
But part of me couldn’t just leave it, so I stuffed it in my bag and then
the moment I arrived, I tossed it into the drawer and resolved not to think
about it until the end of the day.
At first, Kenneth’s daughter was enough of a distraction to help with
that - I almost forgot about it entirely - but settling back into work that’s not
nearly as focused as I’m used to, it’s creeping back to the forefront of my
mind.
It’s right there.
Unable to help myself, I pull the drawer out - just a little - and my
eye catches on the familiar handwriting. The last time I saw it was seven
years ago - and after that I never wanted to see it again - but I’d still
recognize it anywhere. The cursive that I used to think was beautiful and
perfect, just like the woman I imagined writing it, until I slowly grew to
hate everything it represented.
Disappointment. Excuses. Apologies.
And eventually…total obliviousness.
I never thought I’d see it again, actually. It would probably be easier
if I hadn’t.
Because now…now I have to work out what to do with it.
 Unbidden, my hand slips forward, hovering over the familiar
lettering, almost tracing my name at the top - until a loud exclamation from
inside Kenneth’s office makes me jump. I snatch my hand out and slam the
drawer shut before I can think, my heart beating hard in my ears as I look
up in alarm.
I catch the moaning complaints from inside and then the deeper tone
of Kenneth’s voice as he tries to appease his daughter, and take a deep
breath myself.
Not now. Now isn’t the time to deal with this. It’s not the time to think
about it.
I turn the key in the lock and put it firmly to one side. That letter can
wait. It’s obviously waited seven years for her to write it - I don’t have to
look at it now. Or ever, if I don’t want to.
No matter how much some small part of me still wants to know what
it says.
I turn back to my work, noticing the distinct lack of email responses
from Kenneth’s account and let myself think about the difficulties he’s
having today instead. Somehow, knowing that he’s probably struggling too
makes me feel slightly better.
From the slightly muffled voices, I think Kenneth is still talking to
Abbie, and I start wondering how he’s going to manage supervising his
daughter for the meetings I know he’s got coming up.
He keeps the door to his office open and I’ve heard him talking on
the phone intermittently through the morning, while Abbie seemed to
chatter pleasantly to herself in the background - but from the glances I keep
sneaking over in that direction, I can tell the situation has been deteriorating
for the last couple of hours.
I think Abbie is getting bored.
I don’t blame her, either. An office isn’t exactly the most fun place
for a little kid, especially if she’s not getting the attention and engagement
she’s probably used to. Even with the toys he mentioned earlier…there’s
only so long you can expect that to work.
 When lunch comes around, I get a much better view of that as they
walk past my desk.
Kenneth gives me a brief nod. “We’re going to head out to grab lunch
and have a little walk.”
“Sure.” I say. He usually takes lunch at his desk or asks me to order
something in, but I can definitely understand them both needing some fresh
air today. “I’ll leave a few things on your desk for you to look at when you
get back.”
“Thanks.”
It comes out clipped and disgruntled, and I don’t think he actually
appreciates the thought of that at all, which I can understand right now. He
still needs the documents and information though, especially for that
meeting with the buyer from the health food store later today, and I’ve been
reluctant to walk in and disturb them so far today.
He looks harried as he walks off - a deeper level of the stress he
usually seems to carry around with him - and Abbie looks decidedly
grumpy. It’s enough that I even start to feel a little sorry for him.
For Kenneth Stark. The boy who broke my heart, of all things.
I know I need to stop thinking of him like that. It’s probably not
healthy - and he’s a man now, anyway. Not a boy anymore. He even has a
child to prove it.
He’s not the same person…except that the part of me that stopped
trusting people the moment he left reminds me that he is. That’s how people
work. Everything that he was back then is still in there somewhere.
But that still doesn’t mean it’s helpful to keep mentally referring to
him as the boy who broke my heart. Why would I even want that reminder?
It’s just…hard to stop. And maybe it’s good to remember all the
reasons I have to dislike him. That way, I won’t accidentally start thinking
about why I liked him in the first place. Then maybe the stupid fluttering I
get in my stomach from time to time when he’s around will finally
disappear. You would’ve thought a week would be long enough for that.
 In the time it takes them to get back, I decide that I feel more sorry
for her though.
It can’t be easy being dragged to your Dad’s work like this and
mostly expected to entertain yourself.
At least she has a Dad, though. Some voice inside me insists. At least
he seems to be trying.
I spend the whole time they’re out debating what I’m going to
suggest when they get back.
It’s the only thing that seems to make sense, and if it hadn’t been that
it’s Kenneth, I would have done so much earlier this morning.
When they walk back down the hall from the elevator, I can see
Abbie tugging at Kenneth’s arm, dragging her feet as they approach, and I
guess that the walk didn’t help as much as he was hoping for. The fed up
expression on her face is the thing that finally decides me.
“Kenneth.” I say, before they have a chance to walk past. This time,
he didn’t even stop to acknowledge me, too focused on everything else
that’s going on at the moment.
He stops, looking back at me and I can see the mixture of exhaustion
and concern in his expression. Damn it, another thing that makes him seem
more decent than I want to give him credit back.
“You’ve got those meetings this afternoon.” I say, trying not to think
too much about this.
I don’t know how I’m going to feel if he says ‘no’.
Instead, I turn my attention to Abbie and give her a small smile as I
continue. “I was wondering if Abbie would like to spend some time out
here with me, instead of waiting around in an empty office?”
He blinks, obviously surprised, and I try not to take that the wrong
way. I’m more focused on Abbie anyway, who is looking uncertainly
between me and her Dad. After the enthusiastic greeting she gave me this
morning, I’m slightly disappointed, but it’s only to be expected if the
morning has left her bored and irritable.
 I get a momentary burst of apprehension as I realize I really have no
idea how to deal with an irritable child - especially someone else’s - but I
tell myself I’ll figure out a way to bring the bright-eyed little girl back to
life again anyway. Considering how good-natured she seemed this morning,
she probably just needs some attention more than anything.
“You’ve spent all morning with your Dad.” I say, talking directly to
her this time as I smile and hope I haven’t misread her earlier enthusiasm.
“If you want, you could come and help me out here for a little bit, too.”
Her expression brightens at that and she tugs on Kenneth’s hand.
“Yes! Daddy, I want to help…umm…err...I want to help her.”
“Jessica.” I offer, giving her another little smile. “My name’s Jessica.
And you’re Abbie, right?”
She nods, then looks back up at Kenneth.
“I want to help Jessica, Daddy.”
He’s still looking between us, obviously uncertain.
“You don’t have to…” He starts quietly.
“I’d like to.” I smile openly at them both, then look back at Abbie.
“We’ll have some fun together, won’t we?”
She nods. “Yes! Daddy, pleease.”
He crouches down, looking at her seriously.
“You’d have to be very good for Jessica, sweetie.”
“I will!” She says happily and I’m surprised how good it feels to see
that simple change in her now that she has something else to think about
than spending the afternoon trying to amuse herself again. How good it
feels to have caused it too.
“Don’t disturb her when she’s doing anything important, okay?”
“Okay.” She nods, with such a perfect replica of his serious tone that
I almost want to laugh.
“Well, then…” He looks between us again and I can see the
uncertainty is still there - but it’s mixed with relief, too. “I guess I’ll leave
you both to it.”
 She grins and steps up to my desk immediately, holding the edges
and rising onto her tiptoes to peer at the papers I have lying here.
“Thanks, Jessica.” He adds as he stands up. “If you need anything,
please do come and interrupt us.”
I nod, though I have no intention of doing that - not unless there’s
some real emergency.
He picks Abbie up and she giggles as he swings her around a bit,
before giving her a kiss on the forehead.
“Be good, little girl. Have fun with Jessica, then.”
She giggles and squeals as he puts her down, running forward to
wrap her arms around him before he tousles her hair and she comes
bouncing back to me.
He walks into his office with just one slightly bemused glance over
his shoulder and I wonder what he’s thinking - then his back straightens
slightly and I guess that he’s already thinking about all the work he’s been
distracted from today. Despite some of my mixed feelings, part of me is
glad about that too. It’s what I’m here for, after all. To make sure he can
focus on what he needs to do.
“So whaddaya do here?” Abbie asks, coming around the desk and
trying to step up to look at it better.
“Well…” I start, wondering how to explain as I push the chair back
so she can come closer and see. “I do lots of things. I help your Dad so that
he knows where he needs to be and what he needs to do every day.”
“What are these?” She asks, trying to pull some of the papers closer.
I laugh a little.
“These are different documents your Dad might need to look at. I
look at them first and then decide what to do with them - some of them can
go in the bin and some of them just need to go in that filing cabinet over
there. Only the most important ones need to go to your Dad.”
“Ooohhh.”
The genuine fascination in her voice warms something inside me. I
haven’t spent much time around kids and it hadn’t really occurred to me
how new everything must be to a young child. All these things I’ve do
every day without thinking about - there’s something nice knowing that
someone can be so interested in things that just seem…mundane otherwise.
People talk about children seeing the world with fresh eyes but I
don’t think I really got it before now.
“Jessica…” Abbie starts, then stops as Kenneth walks back out of the
office.
“I’ll be in the Seagate meeting room if you need me.” He interrupts
us, probably without even noticing. “Abbie’s toys and everything you might
need is in here.”
He sets a bag down on the floor beside my desk and I nod.
His gaze roams over us and then comes back to me, and it’s obvious
that the kind of focus I’m used to from him is back. There’s a small part of
me that’s relieved - I know how important these meetings are to him and it
was almost strange how different he seemed today.
“Everything is okay so far?”
I nod again and he gives me a nod back, bends down to kiss the top
of Abbie’s head with another quick ‘love you, be good’ before walking off
with the sort of purpose he usually displays.
I’m still watching him go when Abbie giggles beside me, covering
her mouth with her hands.
“He’s funny when he’s like that.”
I look down at her, then smile myself. I hadn’t thought about it like
that, but maybe there is something funny about the official-professional
attitude we seem to put on as soon as we step into the office.
“Yeah.” I smile at her. “He is kind of funny, isn’t he?”
That’s not something I would have thought about Kenneth otherwise,
but there’s something nice about being able to not take him so seriously.
“So do you want to show me some of your toys then, Abbie?” I ask,
pulling the bag closer.
“No!” She shakes her head vehemently, stopping me mid-motion. “I
want to help you.”
 “Ohh…” I pause, surprised. That’s not what I’d been expecting.
“I want to do work like you and Daddy!” She insists.
“Hmm…” I make a show of thinking about it, in part to buy me some
actual time. “Well, let’s see…how old are you, Abbie?”
“I’m four.” She announces proudly. “How old are you?”
I laugh, the open question making me grin. “I’m twenty-eight.”
She grins back. “That’s the same age as Daddy.”
“Yes…yes, I guess it is.” My smile fades a little bit, but I turn my
attention back to her before I can think about it. “Four years old is a lot - I
think you should be old enough to help.”
She nods enthusiastically. “I’m really big now. Daddy says it all the
time.”
My smile widens again. Kenneth’s little girl is utterly adorable.
“Well…” I look around, taking in the stacks of paper on my desk that
she was so interested in, and a sudden idea occurs to me. “Okay, wait here a
moment, I just need to get some of these documents for you to help out
with.”
Abbie practically beams, jumping up and down on her toes and
nodding as she grips the end of my desk and tries to see over my desk.
I click a few buttons on the computer and bring up a ridiculously
long report into health, safety and hygiene considerations within a few of
ExVenture’s factories, sending it to the printer a moment later.
“I’ll be back in a moment, Abbie - and I’ll be just over there, okay?”
I point to the printer on the other side of the space in front of
Kenneth’s office - it’s only across the hall and I’ll still be able to see Abbie
perfectly, but some part of my stomach churns at the idea of walking across
that space away from her. Can you leave a four year old on the other side of
a room for two minutes? I don’t see why not, but everyone always seems to
talk about how much trouble children can get themselves into and I’m all
too aware I know nothing about this.
It’s fine. You can still see her. That’s fine, right?
 I ignore the insecurity as Abbie nods again, slightly reassured that
she seems totally unperturbed by the idea, and then walk across to the
stationery area. I take a stack of blue, green and red paper out of the
cupboard and load the printer with it before setting the 500-page document
to , all while keeping one eye on the girl who has started rummaging in the
bag Kenneth left - taking out toy animals from what I can see.
“I said I’d be back in a moment.” I mutter to myself, amused that
she’s started entertaining herself.
It’s all done a few moments later and I shuffle all the papers together,
mixing up the colors as I do, before walking back to my desk.
“Ohh…” I say, faking a disappointed tone. “You look quite busy
now…”
She looks up with wide eyes, shaking her head and jumping back to
her feet.
“No, no, I’m not busy.”
“No?” I ask, looking at the toys at her feet. “Are you sure you don’t
want to show me some of your toys instead?”
If she would prefer to play, I really can’t blame her. I can’t say what
I’ve got planned is going to be the slightest bit interesting.
“No!” She shakes her head again. “I want to help.”
“Well…okay then…”
I kneel down beside her and she crouches down too as I put the stack
of paper on the floor.
“Do you remember what I said about how I sort documents for your
Daddy, so that he only needs to look at the most important ones?”
She nods, her eyes fixed on the paper like it’s the most important
thing in the world. I almost feel a little guilty but this is what she said she
wanted to do…
“Well, I’ve got a lot of documents here, and they’re not sorted. Do
you think you could help me sort them?”
“Of course!”
 “Right, well, this is what I do.” I take one of the pieces of paper. “I
look at the paper and see whether it’s important or not. This one is blue, so
it needs to be kept for information and I’ll file it later. I’ll put it in one pile
over here to be filed.”
I place the paper to the side, and then talk her through blue paper -
which can go in the bin later - and red paper, which is the most important
that Kenneth will need to look at.
I’m surprised at the total focus and attention she seems to give me for
the explanation and then as we go through the next several pieces of paper
together, she gets the hang of which pile to put them in immediately. It
probably helps that it amounts to putting each color in a pile together, but
still, I’m impressed.
It only takes a few minutes of us doing that together before she
waves a hand at me.
“Okay, okay, I can do it now.”
I nod. “You’re doing a very good job, Abbie. It looks like I can just
sit back and watch you now.”
“No, no.” She shakes her head, waving that hand again. I have to try
not to smile too much at the slightly imperious attitude. “You go back to
your work. I’ll do this.”
“Are you sure?” I frown. I don’t mind making up a semi-related
game for her to play, but I did think the attention and support would be part
of it. Doesn’t every kid like that?
“Yes.” She nods, obviously distracted by the paper she’s sorting in
front of her.
She’s actually getting through it at a surprisingly quick rate, too. I’m
almost wondering whether I should have found a bigger document, or
printed this twice.
“Well…okay…but I’ll be just over here, alright?” I point to the desk
beside where we’re sitting on the floor. “And if you don’t want to help
anymore, that’s okay too, we can always do something else together.”
 “I want to help.” She insists stubbornly and I give up trying to give
her other options.
She’s obviously too stubborn for that.
“I can tell - you’re being very helpful, Abbie. Your Daddy will be so
pleased when he gets back.”
That draws her attention back to me for a moment and she glances
up. “Do you think he will?”
I nod, trying to be serious and not make it obvious that I’m far more
distracted by how sweet she seems.
“I’m sure he will.”
She gives me a huge smile for a moment, then turns back to the
papers in front of her.
“Okay, now stop distracting me.”
I have to stop myself from laughing as I leave her to it, going back to
sit at my desk as if I might actually get back to work instead of just
glancing over at the little girl I’ve suddenly been left with.
I’m still slightly bemused by the fact Kenneth has a child but seeing
her like this…I don’t know. I can’t deny that regardless of the confused
reactions I might have about that, the child herself is adorable. In her own
way.
I watch her sorting through papers, muttering to herself contentedly
as she ‘helps’ me with my work.
Interesting little girl. Slightly bossy. I guess she gets that from her
Dad.
The thought makes me smile and I shake my head slightly. I’ve been
deliberately trying not to think about Kenneth in any way other than
professional, but…well, with his daughter here, that’s a little harder.
After it becomes obvious that she’s fully absorbed with what she’s
doing, I do start trying to sort through some of the emails that have built up,
but I’ve still got at least one eye on her. Not even because she needs it - just
because something about her fascinates me.
 This is Kenneth’s daughter. His child. The guy you once thought
would be having kids with you—
Oh no. Don’t go there.
But it’s not even the unpleasant, resentful sort of feeling I thought it
would be.
It’s just…bemused.
And with Abbie right here, it’s almost impossible to shake off too.
Eventually, though, it seems like she’s not getting bored of sorting
papers into piles - despite my disbelief - and I do start trying to work again.
With all of the distractions today, though, I can’t focus - and with Abbie
apparently entertained for a while, my hand starts hovering around that
drawer again.
The drawer.
The one with the letter.
I hesitate, but then I find myself unlocking it and pulling it open
again.
The letter is right where I left it and I bite my lip.
Maybe it’s seeing Kenneth and Abbie here today, something about
the idea of family that’s starting to tug at me, but…
The uneasy combination of anger and need sits hard in my stomach,
an unpleasant knot that I don’t think will go away until I work this out.
Before I can stop myself, I reach for it.
Not to open it. I wouldn’t do that - not here. Maybe not ever.
But I can hold it, right? Just feel that it’s actually real? Just…touch it
a little? That’s okay, right?
I take it out slowly, holding it carefully in front of me as if it might
disappear. As if I might be imagining the whole thing.
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this, Mom?” I mutter to
myself, staring at the familiar writing all over again. “How do you think
you can just…”
 I shake my head. I don’t need these age-old questions now. Not with
Grandma gone and Gramps—
“What’s that?”
I almost jump out of my seat as Abbie’s head appears at my side, her
cheery voice jolting me out of everything I was thinking.
“It’s, um…well, it’s a letter from my Mom.” I say, calmly enough,
some part of my mind slamming all those perilous emotions back into the
box they belong in. For some reason, I don’t even consider saying anything
else. Maybe it’s because she’s just a kid, but it seems natural to just tell her
the truth.
“Oohh…is it your birthday?” She presses her hands on the arm of my
chair and leans forward to look at it. “My Mom sends me letters on my
birthday!”
I blink as some of the emotion that I thought I’d locked neatly away
comes leaking out again at that simple comment, the significance of it not
lost on me at all.
My Mom used to send me letters on my birthday, too.
Before I can think of a way to answer her, though, she squeals and
darts away from me.
“Daddy!”
I hadn’t even noticed Kenneth walking down the hallway, but Abbie
obviously had - and she grabs the pile of red paper lying on the floor and
bounces up toward him.
“Hey there, little girl.” He smiles at her, his face lighting up at seeing
her happy and enthusiastic again. “Have you been good for Jessica?”
“Yes! I helped!” She nods. “Here, Daddy, these are for you! They’re
important.”
He blinks as he takes the papers she shoves at him automatically,
glancing down at them with a small frown. My cheeks heat as I wonder
what he’ll think about this, but he looks down at her before I can say
anything.
 “Ooh…” He says, in the kind of tone you use when you’re obviously
trying to be interested and enthusiastic about something, but you’re still
working out what that ‘something’ is.
I stand before he has to get any further with that thought.
“Abbie was helping me with organizing different documents.” I
explain. “I showed her how I make sure you only see the important ones,
and she helped sort them for me.”
Please don’t think this is stupid. It seemed like a good idea an hour
ago.
“Oh, of course.” He says, with a big smile at his daughter as he looks
at the now-probably-incomprehensible safety report. “And you did all
this?”
She nods with a matching grin. “Yes!”
Then she moves around to point at the blue papers. “And we’re going
to…um…we’re going to…”
“We’re going to file those.” I finish for her, nodding.
“And these go in the bin!” She says, picking up the green papers and
dropping them back on the floor for emphasis.
“Exactly.” I say, still looking at Abbie.
I’m not quite sure I want to look at Kenneth right now. I have no idea
what he’s thinking.
“See? I helped!” Abbie says proudly and Kenneth steps up to her
with a smile, ruffling her hair.
“That’s amazing, little girl.” He says, stepping up to ruffle her hair.
“Thank you for all your hard work.”
She grins at him, then raises her arms and he pulls her up into them,
spinning her around.
I glance away for a moment, feeling suddenly awkward, like I’m
intruding into this personal part of Kenneth’s life. But when I look back,
he’s looking over Abbie’s shoulder at me, and mouths a small ‘thank you’.
 I shrug, a little embarrassed about it, and not quite sure why. Maybe
it’s because I haven’t tried playing children’s games since I probably was a
child, and it doesn’t quite seem like the right thing to do at work.
But he was the one who brought her in…
“Okay, sweetie, I’m going to go into my office now and have a look
at these papers you brought me.” He says, and I suddenly realize that all my
concern was stupid. He’s obviously used to indulging her and whatever
game she might be playing.
I mean, of course. Isn’t that what Dad’s are for?
How would you know?
I shake off the thought. It’s stupid for all of this to be making me
think about any of that. I stopped thinking that way years ago. But with the
letter this morning too…
“Okay!” She says with a grin.
“Are you okay to help Jessica for a little while longer?” He asks, but
he’s actually looking at me.
I nod automatically, trying to focus on what’s actually happening in
front of me.
“We still have to file those blue papers.” I tell her seriously and she
nods back at me.
“Yes. We’ll file the blue papers, Daddy.” She repeats to him.
“Great.” He says, setting her back down on the floor and leaning in to
kiss her cheek. “And it won’t be long now. I just have one more meeting
and then I’ll be back.”
“That’s okay. I don’t mind, Daddy.”
“Thank you, sweetie. You’re the best little girl I could ever ask for.”
He smiles at her, saying it with obvious feeling, and I have to look away
again.
I might be helping him out here, but I have to remind myself I’m not
actually part of any of that. It’s private.
 “Thank you too, Jessica.” He says, looking at me with the same
bright expression he just showed his daughter, but I don’t quite meet his
eyes as I nod.
“No problem.”
He hesitates for a moment longer, his gaze still on my face, before
finally nodding and standing up. He gives the papers another look over and
makes an appreciative noise as he goes back to his office. Damn, he’s not
bad at this. That’s almost the way he’d react to papers he does need to look
at.
“Jessica?”
I glance down.
“Sorry sweetie, what was that?”
“We need to file the papers.” She insists.
“Right. Yes. Okay, well this is how we do that…”
I grab some spare folders from my bottom drawer and start
explaining to her how to slide the different papers in, before we put them in
the filing cabinet together. With Kenneth gone, some of the levity I felt
spending time with Abbie earlier comes back, and I find myself smiling a
whole lot more.
She really is a sweet child. Though I can’t help wondering, now,
about her Mom. And Kenneth. And things I shouldn’t be thinking about.
Things that have absolutely nothing to do with my purely professional
relationship with my boss.
“Good!” She says with satisfaction, folding her arms and looking at
the one stack of green paper left. “We did it.”
I smile, having to resist the urge to reach out and stroke her hair in a
similar motion to Kenneth’s. That might be strange for her - she’s not my
child.
“You did it.” I say instead. “You’re a very helpful little girl, Abbie.”
She nods, then looks up at me. “If I help, Daddy won’t have to work
so much.”
 I pause, caught off guard again by her casual comment, and
something tugs at my heart. I don’t know anything about her - or about
Kenneth’s life now - but I can’t help the picture that’s starting to form. Or
how much it’s making me feel for her.
God damn it, Kenneth, your little girl…
“Jessica?”
I glance over to see her crouched down by the scattered green papers.
“Yes?”
“Do we have to bin these now?”
I frown, confused. “Umm…we don’t have to. Why?”
She grins. “Because they’re like grass!”
I blink, but she’s already clearly thought this through because the
next thing I know she’s turning some of the papers over to blank green
sheets and reaching for her plastic toy animals.
“My horses like grass.” She continues, bouncing one of the horses
over the paper and onto another one.
The smile is back on my face as I watch her happily playing with the
animals, totally unaware of the effect she’s having on me. I never really
thought children were all that cute before, but something about Abbie…I
don’t know. Too much time around her and I might start having dangerous
thoughts.
My long-dormant body clock might finally make an appearance.
The idea almost makes me chuckle - and without thinking about it, I
crouch down next to Abbie, asking her about her horses.
She chatters away at me and I watch as she moves them around the
hastily-assembled pieces of paper.
“Hmm…” I look at them. “You know what this needs…”
She looks up at me and I jump up to grab a couple of pens from the
desk.
“Some trees.” I grin at her, then begin drawing in a couple of trees.
Her eyes light up and she takes a pen too, helping me.
 We continue playing with the horses and I forget all about actually
doing work today as we start drawing on the different pieces of paper. Part
way through I go and get some different colors of paper so that together we
make fields and lakes and a dangerous volcano for her animals to explore.
As the time passes, I have to admit to myself that whatever I might
think about Kenneth, his daughter is simply wonderful. I haven’t had this
much silly fun in a long time, and until today I never would have said I was
the sort of person who might be good with children.
When the phone at my desk goes, it even takes me a moment to
realize what it is - and that I am supposed to be working too.
I jump up, almost guiltily, and tell Abbie to wait a minute as I take
the call from Kenneth’s lawyer, Patrick Heath, about a meeting he needs to
rearrange. I flick through his diary, schedule it in, and by the time I put the
phone down I’m not surprised to see Abbie peering over from the other end
of the desk.
“Who was that?”
“Your Daddy’s lawyer. He wanted to have a meeting with your Dad.”
She leans back to look into the office, then shakes her head.
“Daddy’s not here.”
I smile slightly. “Yeah, I know. I told him he could see your Daddy
tomorrow.”
“Oh, okay.” She says, then frowns down at the phone. “How does
this work?”
She starts pressing buttons and I have to hurriedly disconnect the
whole thing before she makes a call I have to explain to someone.
“Um, well…” I pause, then look into Kenneth’s office again as I get a
sudden thought.
She’s right…he’s not here.
“Why don’t I show you?” I say, suddenly grinning.
“Okay.” She grins back, even though she doesn’t know what I’m
thinking yet.
 I set the phone to an intercom-only mode, so that it can only
communicate with the one in Kenneth’s office, then set her down in my
chair. She laughs and wriggles back in it, almost getting lost in the over-
sized seat.
“So, I usually talk to your Daddy on this phone—”
“But he’s just in there!” She exclaims, pointing to the office.
I smile to myself. She has a point.
“Sometimes he’s doing important things in there, or I need
information here at my desk to talk to him.”
“Hm…” She doesn’t sound convinced, but she doesn’t ask anything
more.
“Do you want to have a go?” I ask instead. “I could go in there, and
you could talk to me on the phone.”
“Ooh, yes!” She says, leaning forward in excitement. “I want to use
the phone!”
“Okay. Just let me get it working…”
I take the phone off the hook and point to the machine.
“When you want to call me, press this button here - just this one,
don’t press anything else or it won’t work - and then we can talk to each
other.”
“Okay!” She grins. “I’ll be you, and you be Daddy.”
I blink, then I laugh to myself.
“Okay, sure. I’ll be your Daddy.”
“And I’ll be you! Go on, go on!”
She gestures me excitedly toward the office, but I give her a serious
look first.
“You remember which button?”
“This one.” She says decidedly, and sure enough, she seems to know
what she’s doing. “Go on!”
“I’m going, I’m going.” I say, raising my hands in defeat.
 I’ve disconnected everything enough that she won’t be able to call
anyone else anyway, so if it doesn’t work, I can always come back out and
help her.
It’s strange to go into Kenneth’s office for a different reason than my
usual professional agenda - especially like this, using it to play a child’s
game - but I can still see some of Abbie’s toys to one side and that seems to
make it okay. The whole workday has been different today, it’s okay just to
accept that.
It feels even stranger to walk behind the desk and contemplate the
large, plush leather chair there, but the phone rings - the button for secretary
lighting up - and without another thought, I pull it out and sit down,
laughing a little as it twists and turns behind the desk. All these games with
Abbie have left me feeling like a kid myself and I indulge the slightly
naughty feeling of sitting somewhere that’s previously been so obviously
the CEO’s chair.
I give into the strange giddy feeling as I cross my legs under the desk
and look out at the office before picking up the phone. It’s strange seeing it
from this angle, but I can’t deny it’s fun as I hold the phone to my ear and
and lean back to contemplate it.
“Hello.” I say, putting on my most serious, gruff voice as I get into
the role. “This is Kenneth Stark, super serious businessman. What super
serious business did you have for me today?”
I hear the giggle on the other end of the phone and smother a laugh
myself as I try to maintain my ultra-serious persona, all while I want to
break down into fits of giggles myself - until I glance up.
To see Kenneth stood right there.
My hand freezes on the phone in my ear and I sit up with a jerk, fast
enough the back of the chair hits me a moment later, as mortification
sweeps through me.
Oh my god. Oh my god. What did he just hear? What did I just do?
I can’t look at him, but I hear what could be a slight laugh as he looks
between the two of us.
Oh god. How do I explain—what can I say—what—
 “I think I might need my desk back.” He says, his tone mild as he
doesn’t mention whatever he just heard at all.
Please say he didn’t hear.
“Right—yes—of course.”
I almost scramble to put the phone down, jumping up and trying very
hard not to run out of the room as I get out of there as quickly as possible,
my heart pounding in my chest. I don’t shut the door behind me, but I wish
to god I could, cursing his open door policy for the first time.
“Jessica?” Abbie looks up at me, eyes wide and innocent. Totally
oblivious to the kind of trouble she just got me in.
“I think…” I say slowly, my face still crimson with embarrassment.
“I think, Abbie, maybe we should go back to playing with your horses.”
I take her hand and help her off the chair, wishing I could sink into it
and let the ground swallow me up.
“Okay…” She says in a very indulgent tone, looking at me carefully.
We do that and I try not to think too hard about whether I’m still
going to have a job by the end of the day. I’m pretty sure openly mocking
your boss is a no. Even if it was just for a little bit of fun…
“Jessica! You’re not paying attention!”
Abbie scolds me several times, but all I can see is that strange
expression on Kenneth’s face, like he’s trying to stifle some outburst.
Anger? Laughter? Disbelief?
I’m no closer to an answer when he comes to collect Abbie and take
her home - and I still can’t meet his eyes.
“Say thank you to Jessica, Abbie.” He says as he picks her up,
balancing her on his hip.
“Thank you Jessica!” Abbie sing-songs from his shoulder and I give
her a weak smile.
“It was lovely to meet you, Abbie.”
There’s a pause for a moment and then Kenneth steps up to the desk,
so it’s impossible not to look at him.
 “Really, thank you Jessica. We both really appreciate your help
today.”
“That’s okay. I enjoyed it.”
My cheeks heat again as I hope he doesn’t immediately think I
enjoyed that game in his office. I still feel embarrassed enough I want to
cover my face with my hands.
He hesitates before leaving, though, then looks back.
“If I don’t get this situation with Abbie’s Nanny sorted, we might
both be coming back tomorrow…” He trails off, not quite asking, but it’s
obvious what he’s saying.
I nod. “Well, if Abbie wants to spend anymore time with me, she was
very helpful today.”
Plus, that means I still have a job. Right?
“Thank you.” He says again, the relief in his voice obvious as he
bounces Abbie on his hip, looking over at her. “Do you think you might
want to spend a little more time with Jessica, Abbie? Help her out some
more?”
“Ooh, yes!” She grins at me and I have to smile back, however
awkward I feel around her Dad. I really do like that little girl.
He laughs. “Okay, well, we’ll see how things go tomorrow then.”
With that, they both leave, and I’m left not sure what to think or feel
about it all.
I shake my head, taking a deep breath and trying to settle the
mortification still burning in my stomach.
He didn’t say anything about it. I guess that means it’s okay? Maybe
we’ll just forget about it…
Yes. That would be best. I helped him out, he’ll overlook that little
moment I had there. That seems fair.
As I pack up to leave for the night, I think about Abbie coming back
tomorrow and a small smile tugs at my face. I really did enjoy today. Sure,
I’m not getting much work done, but I think Kenneth is just going to have
to accept that.
 I wonder what other games we could play around here to entertain
her…not anything like that intercom moment, obviously, but there have to
be other options…
Lost in thought, I forget all about the letter waiting for my decision in
my desk drawer.

OceanofPDF.com
 Chapter Five
Kenneth

Abbie comes to work with me all week.

Kara decides to be difficult about whether she’s ‘feeling better’ or not
and I end up giving up on the discussion before I say something I regret
about the whole conversation. The fact that she knows how hard it’s making
our lives and doesn’t seem to care…ugh. It infuriates me. I have to bite my
tongue more than once to stop myself asking Abbie why she likes her so
much.
I have to talk to her preschool about pulling her out of the usual
morning sessions she attends three times a week, because there’s no way
I’m going to be able to dart in between preschool and the office to take her,
but it still seems like the best option I have - even if I quietly resolve to start
looking for another Nanny as well.
Maybe if I introduce someone new slowly, Abbie will feel more
comfortable with it. She’s certainly taken to Jessica easily enough.
That’s the other reason I give up trying to negotiate with Kara after
only a few attempts.
I don’t know what it is with Jessica, but there’s something about
seeing her with my little girl…she just seems so good with her. I never
would have guessed. Not because I don’t know she’s a lovely, caring person
- she always has been - but just because…well, I’ve never seen her with
children.
I’m pretty sure she didn’t even know whether she wanted them when
we were dating.
I mean, that was ten years ago, neither of us knew anything at that
stage, but still…it’s not like she’s struck me as maternal over the last few
weeks, either. She’s been distant and detached. Not the kind of woman I’d
imagine getting down on her knees and playing games with my daughter.
That’s the other thing. Abbie is my daughter. It still surprises me that
doesn’t seem to bother her, but I have to admit wryly that might just be my
ego speaking. Whatever was between us was years ago. She has no reason
to care what I do anymore. Even if that thought makes me a little sad for
some reason.
And I’m not about to question the way she’s suddenly helping me
out. It’s nothing like any of my previous secretaries have reacted to having
my daughter around - and it’s such a refreshing change that I’m almost
pleased to be bringing Abbie into work with me. She’s obviously enjoying
it too - all she seems to talk about when we go home is Jessica this and
Jessica that. Even more so than she sometimes does with Kara - which only
makes me reconsider my current Nanny situation some more.
Not that I have time to look for another one…
I get the idle thought of trying to delegate that to Jessica, too. She
seems good enough at everything else and she obviously care about
Abbie…but I could never actually accept someone caring for Abbie that I
haven’t vetted myself first.
So for the moment, it’s bringing Abbie to work with me instead and
watching as Jessica seems to find endless things to entertain her with -
enough that I almost feel ashamed at how little I’ve ever found to occupy
her here. As well as the way I dismissed Abbie’s comments about ‘helping’
me. I never really thought anything of it, but Jessica has definitely taken my
little girl’s request to heart.
In between fielding meetings and calls and all the work that doesn’t
get done while they’re happening, I watch as a sample box of all our
ExVenture nutrition bars appear outside my office - and hear Abbie’s mixed
reactions as she tries them all, dictating thoughts on them to Jessica.
Later that day, I find a ‘Taster Feedback’ meeting in my calendar and
get to enjoy Abbie presenting her thoughts on each of my products and the
different flavors. I’m caught between trying to treat it seriously, wanting to
laugh and wondering why I’d never thought about doing that. I’ve always
dismissed my work as something boring that my daughter wouldn’t want
any part of - but Jessica…Jessica is making it accessible in a way that’s
never occurred to me.
Now, when we leave work, Abbie tells me all about different things I
should do with my business, different flavor ideas - various forms of
chocolate being the primary one - and we’re having actual conversations
about what I do all day. With a four-year-old. It seems insane to me, but
she’s loving it.
I can’t deny I feel better about the whole thing, too. I’ve always
struggled with the guilt of how much I work and how it takes me away from
my little girl, but having her see what it’s all about somehow makes it
easier.
I don’t miss the way having Abbie around changes something about
Jessica, too. She can’t be so formal about everything with my little girl
there - and it’s shocking how much it hits me every time I see her smile or
laugh.
Until my daughter arrived, I don’t think I saw her smile once in all
the time she’s been working for me. It made it easy to forget about the past.
I’d wondered why seeing her again hadn’t affected me so much in that
way…and now I know.
When she smiles, Jessica lights up. The smooth, ordinary lines of her
face become something else entirely - full of life and spark and interest.
And when she laughs…
I can hear it almost perfectly, the light sound going all the way
through me and bringing back every distant memory.
All the fun we used to have, before we became adults and life got
hard.
I hadn’t noticed the completely dead-pan expression she gets around
me until seeing her with my daughter and now…now it’s hard not to be
conflicted about that. There’s a part of me that wants to make her laugh like
that, even if I don’t entirely understand it - and I know enough to realize it’s
probably not what she wants.
Still, that image of her in my office - lounging back in my chair and
talking on the phone to Abbie - that’s impossible to get out of my head.
Hearing her voice, mimicking me and mocking my attitude and job
so easily…I didn’t know what to do with it. It was so unexpected - and part
of me just wanted to burst out laughing. Another part of me thought I was
seeing her - really seeing her - for the first time.
 The way she used to be - but slightly older, more sophisticated too.
Which only made the childish mockery that much more amusing. She used
to tease me all the time, especially when I got too serious back then, but I’d
forgotten all about it. Until that moment.
It was good for me back then, I remember, and I find myself getting
almost wistful about the idea that it’s probably still good for me now. I
don’t have anyone to stop me getting too serious these days - even Abbie
can’t always break through all the stress and concerns with work and raising
a little girl by myself.
I find myself waiting with anticipation throughout the week to see
what she might do, hoping to come back to something similar again - but it
doesn’t happen. I guess she was too horrified after that first time, but I can’t
help wishing she hadn’t been. The Jessica I used to know would have
laughed at any outrage I might have put on and teased me some more.
But then, the Jessica I used to know was my girlfriend and not my
employee.
There’s a difference, Kenneth. And even though having Abbie here is
making it a little harder to see that difference, I do know it.
I just wish…I don’t know what I wish.
That things were different, somehow.
But I gave up wishing for that a long time ago.
These days, I just deal with what I’ve got - and I’m grateful for
weeks like this, when everything just seems to work out.
The only thing that brings it down is the reminder of this ridiculous
lawsuit.
I can barely bring myself to read the details without throwing the
paper to the other side of the room in disgust, and it just gets worse when I
start talking about it with Patrick and Kelly. It’s the only time I actually shut
my office door so that Jessica and Abbie can’t hear what we’re saying - I
don’t want my daughter anywhere near this indecent accusations, even if at
her age, it would probably all go over her head.
 “I have the details of Danielle’s accusations now.” Patrick announces
as he comes onto the phone line with Kelly and I, the conference call
crackling slightly.
“Go on.” I say, reluctantly.
Just because we need to discuss this doesn’t mean that I have to like
it.
He hesitates - and that feels worse than anything he could say, as the
sour feeling in my stomach twists uncomfortably - before starting to rely it,
obviously reading straight from notes in front of him. It doesn’t bode well
that he doesn’t feel comfortable having an open conversation about this
with me.
I grind my teeth and struggle not to say anything as he gives lists of
dates and times that these supposed sexual advances occurred and I’m too
angry about the whole thing to even start matching them to what I was
doing at the time. I can guess what I was doing. I was probably in meetings
with Danielle, discussing sales pitch strategies, or traveling to and from
external meetings with her, or reviewing those meetings at some cafe
nearby wherever they occurred.
There are other people on the sales team, of course, but I have no
doubt that there were plenty of times we were alone together too, even if it’s
just because that’s how the taxis worked out—
“Wait, what was that?” I ask, my racing thoughts interrupted as
Patrick mentions something I’m sure I misheard.
There’s a pause, and then he finally repeats it.
“They claim they’ve got witnesses.”
My mouth drops open as I gape at the phone, despite the fact I can’t
see either of them. I start regretting deciding to make this a call instead of a
meeting, but I think I wanted as much distance between this issue and me as
possible.
“Witnesses?!”
How the hell can there be witnesses to something that didn’t even
occur?!
 “Patrick, none of this happened.” I repeat, emphatically, for what
feels like the millionth time.
He clears his throat, the man obviously not nearly as affected by the
outrage of this whole situation as I am.
“It’s not clear whether they mean witnesses to these actual events or
character witnesses in general but I think most of them are ex-employees,
which should discredit—”
This time I do groan. Faces flick through my mind as I wonder how
many ex-employees might be willing to give me a bad character reference.
I’ve never done anything inappropriate, but…well…god, is it too much to
expect a decent work ethic or results from some of my sales staff?
It’s not even like I made the decision to fire anyone - that’s not what
my job is - I leave all that to Tyler. But it’s not like I haven’t worked
directly with some of these people and more than a couple seemed to hold
me personally responsible for their bad performance reviews…
“Wait a minute.” I interrupt, something else he said occurring to me
as my eyes narrow. “What do you mean, most are ex-employees?”
There’s another silence on the end of the line, before he responds.
“In the discussions I’ve had with her lawyers, they’ve hinted that
there might be someone within the company who is willing to come
forward on Danielle’s behalf.”
I don’t say anything for a long moment, totally taken aback by the
immediate feeling of betrayal. How someone who still works for me can
possibly be willing to support such obviously false claims…I can’t even…
“Look, Kenneth.” Patrick finally says. “I know how difficult this all
is, but I get the feeling they’re looking to settle this out of court—”
“Of course they are! It’s all a lie!”
“I know, and none of us doubt that. But listen, I think Danielle is just
looking for money here. I don’t think it would be hard to negotiate a
settlement—”
I stop listening. I can’t hear anything past ‘none of us doubt that’.
 Doesn’t that sound exactly like the sort of placating thing someone
would say if they did doubt it?
I feel suddenly paranoid about the whole thing and I have to take a
moment to sort my head out. I trust Patrick and I’ve never done anything to
make anyone think that way about me, but this exactly is the sort of thing
that makes people start doubting and the thought of that is almost too much
for me.
“It might be for the best, Kenneth.” Kelly’s calm, too-reasonable
voice comes through to me.
“What?”
I have no idea what I missed, but the feeling of being overwhelmed is
starting to swamp me.
“I think you should listen to Patrick. It sucks, but the cost to our
brand and reputation if this goes to court might be far more than the
settlement - especially since he thinks he can negotiate a good deal.”
A good deal? Have they lost their minds?!
“What? No. Sorry, no. We can’t settle this!” The fury rolls up through
me. “That’s as good as admitting I did it, which I didn’t!”
There’s a long silence on the other end, but I don’t care what they’re
thinking. I didn’t realize they arranged this call to tell me that - and I refuse
to talk about it for another moment.
“I told you from the start that woman isn’t getting a cent from me,
and I mean it Patrick. Settling isn’t an option - that’s off the table. And
instead of wasting time with that, start working on a way to actually beat
this thing.”
I hang up, leaving them with that. My whole body is shaking with
rage as I put the phone down and I grip the edge of the desk hard, taking
several deep breaths as I curse the whole thing.
Fucking Danielle Martin and this fucking cheap shot. How can she
be so callous that she doesn’t care about the consequences of this? What it
might mean? Who it might hurt?
 I think of my daughter playing innocently just outside my office and I
have to fight the urge to punch something.
This can’t impact anything. I can’t let it.
Not my business, my family…anything.
It’s a stupid tactic by a bitter, gold-digging woman and I’m going to
beat it.
With that resolve, I force it out of my mind and try to get back to real
work. There’s nothing I can do until Patrick comes back with a strategy. An
actual strategy, not just giving into the woman who’s trying to screw me
over.
It still takes me a long time to open my office door again, though -
and even longer for the sight of Jessica and Abbie together to start relaxing
the tight knot inside me again.
Thank god I’ve got her right now.
I’ve made it through a lot of times where it’s been hard to balance
everything in my life, but I’m not sure how well I’d cope with having to
entertain my daughter while working all week on top of this fucked up
lawsuit situation.
It wouldn’t be good for Abbie, that’s for sure.
Too many things in your life aren’t good for her, Kenneth, too many…
is this really the kind of life you want for your daughter?
I shake my head. Too many problems I can’t solve.
Raising her alone, working too much…she needs more. I know it. I
just can’t do a damned thing about it right now.
At least she has Jessica this week. At least there’s that.
It’s a weird thought and I pause as I think it, suddenly uncertain. It’s
not something I’ve ever thought about Kara, or any of the other Nannies
I’ve tried. And Jessica isn’t even a Nanny - she’s just helping out. Though I
can’t deny how much Abbie seems to be enjoying spending time with her.
I try not to think about it too much, just take the relief Jessica is
giving me and spend the week trying to do something productive with it,
enjoying how happy my little girl seems too.
 When the end of the week finally rolls around, I pause by Jessica’s
desk, not sure what to say - or how to thank her for one of the best weeks
I’ve had in a very long time. I spent a decent portion of the week thinking
about what I could do for her, considering flowers or chocolates or
something, but any thought of that brought back too many memories of the
past.
I always used to buy those when I screwed up. Or, when money was
tight, hunt around for wild flowers that I could make into a bundle for her. I
think she always used to like those the best. Infuriatingly, I can’t stop
thinking about things like that - what she was like, back then, and how it
was between us.
Maybe she was right with the professional attitude. If I’d seen any of
this from her at the start, I’m not sure what I would have done.
“It was lovely to spend the week with you, Abbie.” Jessica says, as I
struggle to work out what I want to say. She stands and leans against the
desk as she smiles at my daughter and it occurs to me that I don’t think I’ve
seen her take a relaxed enough pose to lean against anything while I’ve
been around, before this week.
“Will she be back next week, do you think?” She asks quietly,
directing it to me.
Almost reluctantly, I shake my head. “I think I should have
everything sorted by then.”
If I don’t, I think I’ll finally reach my boiling point…
“Of course.” She nods, and I don’t know whether I might be
imagining the hint of disappointment there. It’s probably just what some
part of me is hoping to see.
I force a smile anyway. “You’ll be able to get back to everything
without the constant disruptions.”
I intend it to come out light and easy, but from the way she stiffens I
immediately regret it, wondering whether she’s taking it as some kind of
criticism - which I definitely didn’t mean.
“I’ve been impressed with how much you managed to get done with
this one glued to you all week.” I add quickly, trying to fix that, then curse
myself for the way that sounds too.
Great. Now you’re being all officious and talking to her like her boss.
Which you are…god damn it.
“It hasn’t been a problem.” She shrugs, but I can see the familiar
barriers coming back over her expression.
I have to bite back the urge to ask whether I could buy her coffee or
something, to say thank you. She’s already made it obvious she doesn’t
want to do that - and really, it would be for myself more than her.
Too much of me just wants to spend some more time with her that
isn’t here, where we work together.
“Well…thank you. Really.” I finally say, feeling that words definitely
aren’t enough. “If there’s…well, if there’s anything I can do to show you
how much I appreciate this week, please let me know.”
I really mean it, but she doesn’t meet my gaze and I can’t tell what
she’s thinking as she shrugs again.
“I don’t mind - I’ve enjoyed it.”
“Daddy…” Abbie gets restless on my hip and I squeeze her tighter,
taking the obvious hint to stop trying, even as I wish I knew what to say to
Jessica.
“Right, well, we better go.” I finally say. “I hope you have a good
weekend - Abbie, say bye bye to Jessica.”
“Byeee Jessica!” She says, smiling down at my secretary.
Jessica matches the smile, reaching out to squeeze her hand in a
gesture that surprises me.
“Bye, Abbie. Maybe I’ll see you again sometime.”
“Yes!” Abbie responds enthusiastically, and I decide not to comment.
I’d guess Jessica was just being polite, but there’s part of me already
thinking about making that happen again, somehow.
Jessica has been good for Abbie and even though I can’t possibly
bring her into work regularly, I’m not willing to believe this is going to be
it.
 “See you next week.” I add to Jessica, then hoist Abbie a little higher
on my shoulder and turn my attention back to my daughter. “C’mon, little
girl, let’s get you home.”
“Okay!” She says eagerly, half clambering over me as I try to balance
both her and the bag of all her toys I brought.
The whole way home, Abbie talks of nothing but what she did with
Jessica today and by the time I park up on the circular driveway in front of
my house, I’m surprised at how warm I feel having heard it all.
It’s an impressive looking place - a fountain in the middle of the
driveway, manicured gardens surrounding the large estate and a sprawling
home, all set over just the one level with modern glass and pretty features
throughout. A symbol of everything I’ve achieved.
We walk hand-in-hand toward the front entrance and like this, I’m
more aware than ever of how big it seems for just the two of us, my little
girl looking totally overshadowed by the grand entryway. It’s a great place
to live, in some ways, but at times it feels a little empty for me - even with
Abbie’s shrieks and laughter and the way she runs around the place.
All this…just for her.
In some ways, it’s a testament to how much she has - how much I can
and want to give her.
But when I’m feeling less certain about everything, part of me also
thinks it shows how little she has too.
A big house…with a lot of emptiness inside it.
It’s an unpleasant feeling, and I try my best to fill that emptiness with
something - with everything I can give, with all the time and attention and
love that I feel for her every moment of the day. But it’s still just me, and
I’m never quite sure it’s enough.
I try to shrug the thought away, focusing on how happy she sounds
right now, as she tells me about the latest game she was playing with
Jessica.
“I like Jessica.” She says finally, as if it’s a big announcement.
 “Yeah? I like her too.” I smile back, but there’s something that pulses
within me as I say it, and I realize I’m not entirely sure I mean that in the
same way as my daughter.
It’s too easy to remember exactly how much I used to like her…and
how easy it would be to slip right back into that.
I’m not sure what to make of that - or any of the conflicted feelings
this week has left me with - so I force my mind away from it all.
I’ve got more important things to worry about anyway - like the little
girl I haven’t spent nearly enough time with recently.
I turn back to her with a smile, nudging her gently. “So, I guess your
Daddy seems kind of boring now, huh?”
She nods, her head bouncing up and down. “Yeah.”
I laugh, picking her up and spinning her around.
“Well, I was thinking…maybe this weekend we can spend some time
together, just you and me. Go on a few adventures of our own.”
“Yeah?” Her eyes light up and she reaches for me, her arms latching
around my neck as her legs wrap around my chest.
“Yeah.” I say, with the same enthusiasm. “We could go to the zoo,
and—”
“The zoo! I want to go to the zoo!”
I laugh, that reaction being totally predictable. “Oh really?”
“Yes! Really!”
“You want to see the…elephants?”
“Yeah!”
“And…the giraffes?”
“Yes, yes, and…”
“The lions.” We finish together and I laugh, bringing her in close for
a cuddle.
“Okay, baby, we’ll go tomorrow, how’s that sound?”
 She grins at me and I spin her around again before I put her down,
where she immediately runs off to the large set of animals she plays with in
the living area. I follow more slowly, smiling to myself. Sometimes, seeing
the excitement and enthusiasm on her face makes me feel like everything is
right with the world. That there’s nothing missing.
Not even someone to share this with - someone to mother her, in the
way I know I can’t.
I sigh softly. Coming to terms with Ashley’s absence still isn’t easy -
but we’re managing, Abbie and I.
Still, as I lie in bed that night, the thoughts that come to my mind
aren’t about Ashley.
They’re about Jessica.
I wonder what would have happened if we’d stayed together, all
those years ago…if she’d been the one I’d started a family with…
She would have been a good Mom.
She wouldn’t have left.

OceanofPDF.com
 Chapter Six
Jessica

“So that’s when I said—ooh, ice cream!”

“You said ‘ooh, ice cream’?” I repeat doubtfully, laughing as I push
Gramps through the park and listen to his latest story of the drama that goes
on at the care home.
I wouldn’t have thought there was much drama there, but apparently
I’d have been very wrong. Old people, he claims, are even worse than
teenagers for gossip.
“No, look, there’s an ice cream stand! Let’s get ice cream.” He points
ahead of us, forgetting the rest of his story.
Pity. It just seemed to be getting good.
I shiver slightly, wrapping my coat a little tighter around me as the
wind picks up.
“It’s October, Gramps, isn’t that a little late for ice cream? It’s not
very warm.”
He grabs the wheels all of a sudden, spinning the chair out of my
grasp, turning it decidedly toward the ice cream stand. I let it go without a
fight, a slight smile on my face. Most of the time that we go out like this,
he’s content to let me push the chair, but every so often he’ll obviously get
frustrated about it and take over himself - even without there being ice
cream at stake.
It’s easier just to let him until he’s satisfied again and willing to
magnanimously offer it back to me. Personally, I think that’s almost
certainly when he gets tired, but I’m not going to risk saying so.
“At my age, you take the ice cream when you get the chance. Who
knows if I’m going to have the time to wait until it’s warm again, hmm?”
He winks at me, rolling up to the ice cream stand while I’m left with an
uneasy pang in my stomach.
 It’s not like this is the first time to say something like that and usually
it doesn’t bother me, but right now…
“Gramps…” I murmur, uncomfortable. I don’t want to have to think
about his time or him not being around next Spring.
“You young ones today, there’s no hardiness in you. Can’t even take
an ice cream in the cold.” He shakes his head, then his eyes light up as he
sees the selection of different flavors in front of him. “Yes, I’ll have
chocolate, please.”
I roll my eyes, giving into the bullying and getting an ice cream to
join him.
“Over there, I think.” He says, pointing toward a bench by the small
pond. “We can have them there.”
I take the hint and start pushing him again, ignoring the temptation to
walk in that direction and leave him to fend for himself. With the ice cream
to hold as well, that seems a little too mean.
I set him up to the side and sit down on the bench, taking a tentative
taste.
Yep. Just what I thought. Cold.
Gramps seems to have no qualms about that, already seeming
halfway through his.
Maybe he’s right, I think wryly, maybe older generations really are
tougher.
“What’s wrong?” He finally asks, belatedly picking up on my mood
as his eyes narrow in my direction. “Has work been tough?”
I shake my head, but don’t say anything else. It feels silly now to go
back to his comment about not being here by the time it gets warm, or to
give a voice to that needy part of me that’s scared of him leaving me too.
Gramps frowns, though, finishing his ice cream with a quick bite or
two, while I’m still just trying to keep on top of stopping mine from
dripping everywhere. You’d think they wouldn’t do that, without the heat,
but they seem to anyway.
 He scoots his chair a little closer to me, the concern obvious on his
face.
“Are you sure, Jessie? That boss of yours isn’t getting worse, is he?”
I blink in surprise. I’d mentioned that I wasn’t sure how this would
go when I first got promoted, but since then I’ve said nothing about
Kenneth at all. There’s been nothing to say.
“No, no, he’s okay…” I shake my head, then run a hand through my
hair. “It’s all going fine.”
Better than fine, actually, this last week.
Sure, having Abbie around wasn’t exactly typical, but it’s been the
most fun I’ve had since I moved back to Springfield. I can’t say I got quite
as much work done as usual, but Kenneth certainly didn’t seem to mind,
and I think she enjoyed her time there. I hope she did. She seems like a very
special little girl.
“Jessie?” Gramps asks again, and I realize I missed whatever he just
said.
I shake off the weird mood and lean toward him, trying to get back to
how I usually am around him - our easy banter and the usual way I confide
in him.
“I don’t exactly know what I think of him yet.” I say with a small
smile. “But I like his daughter.”
His eyebrows rise. “His daughter?”
“Yeah.” I say, shrugging. “He had some issues with his Nanny this
week, so he brought her in to the office with him. It made the week a whole
lot more fun - poor girl obviously needed some entertainment. She’s very
sweet, though. Four years old.”
It’s been hard to get her out of my head, actually. Or both of them, if
I’m honest about it.
Those moments I saw Kenneth with her…the way he seemed so
different. How caring and sweet he was to her, even with everything else
going on. It might be true what I said to Gramps - I still can’t work out what
I think of him - but I can’t help feeling for him. For them both. It’s obvious
how difficult it is raising her alone - and just how hard he’s trying.
I wonder what they’re up to today. How they’re spending the
weekend together.
I can just imagine all the attention he’ll lavish on her now that the
work week is over. How much fun they might be having. It’s a weird
thought. Partly because just yesterday I was having some of that fun - and
partly because thinking about Kenneth doing anything like that is…strange.
Abbie seems to have totally blown my detachment out of the water -
and she’s changed things, too.
Kenneth isn’t just the guy who broke my heart when we were kids
anymore. He’s also a father now.
As well as my boss.
It’s too many different things for my mind to wrap itself around, so I
think I don’t even try.
He can just be an enigma. That’s fine.
“It’s a bit strange, isn’t it? Bringing his daughter to work?” Gramps
brings me out of the reverie of my confused emotions and I look back at
him, confused.
I thought he’d find it amusing, hearing that I got to play with a little
girl at work this week, but the concern is still obviously there.
I shrug. “I don’t know. It’s probably not that uncommon for someone
in that position - long hours, important meetings, and no one’s going to
object to the CEO doing it, I guess.”
“But it’s a bit…personal…isn’t it? For you to be meeting his
daughter?”
I frown. That’s something I might have been concerned about -
should still be concerned about, really, except that I enjoyed it too much to
keep thinking about it that way - but I don’t know why Gramps would
mind.
“What are you talking about, Gramps?” I finally ask, definitely
getting the feeling there’s something else going on here.
 He hesitates, then finally comes out with it. “You know he’s been
accused of harassment, this boss of yours? It was all over the papers this
morning.”
Oh.
I wince. I saw the headline earlier, but I’ve been trying not to think
about it too much.
“Yes.” I say slowly. “I know.”
“And?”
“And…nothing.” I shrug. “It’s an accusation. From what the paper
says, he also denies it.”
And I really don’t want to be having this conversation.
“Well, of course he does.” Gramps says, obviously exasperated. “So
you don’t know anything about it?”
“No.” I say firmly. “And I shouldn’t, either. It’s nothing to do with
me.”
Which is exactly how I want things to stay.
I mean, sure, I knew there was some sort of lawsuit going on - I’ve
been fielding enough calls from ExVenture’s lawyer and receiving enough
documents about it to know - but I never knew the details. I didn’t know it
was a sexual harassment thing. And I think I would’ve rather not known,
too.
The idea of someone accusing Kenneth of that…
I shake my head.
I might have gone into the job thinking he was a dick, but I don’t
believe he’d do anything like that. His reputation at ExVenture might not be
the best, but that’s because he can be ruthless and demanding when it comes
to the job. I can see that about him. But I’ve never heard anything about
him trying to take advantage that way.
I just can’t see it. He’s not sleazy or creepy or…anything.
I mean, damn. The only thing he seems to think about outside of
work is his daughter - and after seeing them together…yeah. I can’t believe
it.
Not that I should even be thinking about it like that. I’m his secretary.
My job is to make his easier, not to add my own opinions to what he’s
doing or what the company might be dealing with. The last thing I want is
to have anything to do with this - or be put in a position like this, where I’m
commenting on it.
“And…he hasn’t done anything…inappropriate?” Gramps presses
and I almost groan.
“No, really. It’s all been fine. And…I don’t think he’s like that,
Gramps. Really. It’s just a stupid eye-catching headline, that’s all.”
That’s it. All I’m going to say. And only because this is Gramps and I
can talk to him. Anything else - to anyone else - would feel like I was
stepping way out of line.
“With a lawsuit behind it.” He points out, leaning back with a small
groan. “I’m just saying, where there’s smoke, there’s usually a fire. I just
want you to be careful, Jessica, okay?”
I nod slowly, even as something in my chest clenches tight. I know
he’s only worried about me - he’s spent his whole life trying to look out for
me - but I don’t like him thinking that way about Kenneth. Even if the
whole thing makes me uneasy myself.
“I will.” I reach out to squeeze his hand. “I promise. But for the
record, I think you’re doing him a disservice.”
“Well if I am, I’ll be glad to hear it.” He squeezes back and gives me
the warm, sparkling smile I’ve known all my life, relaxing me a little.
I know he doesn’t mean anything by the comments he’s making
about Kenneth - he doesn’t even know the guy. At least, not these days.
And from how this conversation has gone, I’m guessing he hasn’t made the
link back to the boy I used to date all those years ago - this little discussion
would have been entirely different if he had. I’m more than a little glad I
don’t have to worry about all that.
No, he’s not attacking Kenneth - he just wants you to be okay,
Jessica. Same as always.
 I don’t even know why I want to defend Kenneth. I don’t know
anything about what happened and I don’t exactly have a reason to jump in
and stick up for him. Except my gut saying he wouldn’t do that.
And since when was your gut right about Kenneth?
That thought makes me squirm a little. If I was wrong back then, who
says I’m not wrong about him now?
I cut that thought off before it goes too far. This is why I shouldn’t be
thinking about it - or involved at all. I can’t afford to have that sort of
opinion about my boss.
We sit there in silence for a few minutes, but I can still feel his gaze
on me, the quiet scrutiny that always sees too much. I’ve appreciated it
more often than not throughout my life, but right now…when I feel so
confused about so many things…I’m not sure I want to have to face it.
“So, if it’s not work…what is bothering you, Jessie?” He finally asks,
not letting go of my hand. “You haven’t seemed yourself this week.”
“I don’t know…” I trail off mid-denial, knowing exactly what he
means and not sure I can keep it back any longer. Not sure whether I want
to. I’ve almost mentioned it so many times this week, stopping myself at the
last moment every time, but…I know I need to say it. “I got a letter…from
Mom.”
The strange mix of feelings I’ve had around Kenneth - and especially
seeing Abbie - this week has been one thing, but as confusing as that is, it’s
not enough to really bother me.
My Mom, on the other hand…I’m not sure I can handle that alone.
Even if I don’t know how Gramps will take it.
He stiffens where he’s sitting and I can feel his tension through the
hand I’m still holding. I watch a dozen things flash across his expression
before he looks back at me carefully.
“Did you…open it?” He asks, quietly.
I shake my head. I haven’t worked out what I want to do at all. It’s
just sitting there, on my dining table, staring at me. I tried hiding it away
somewhere, so I didn’t have to think about it, but for some reason, that
made it worse. At least if it’s out there, I can claim I’m dealing with it. Sort
of.
“And what…are you thinking?” He squeezes my hand and the
mixture of sadness and gentle compassion on his face is obvious.
It hurts me see it - I’ve never wanted anyone’s pity. I hate the idea
that there might be a reason for it. But I latch onto it anyway, needing the
warmth and support that’s always been there for me and not missing the
way he immediately makes this about me, despite whatever emotions he’s
now dealing with. She’s his daughter as much as she is my Mom.
As far as I know, this is the first contact either of us have had for the
last seven years.
“I don’t know.” I finally say. “I can’t work it out.”
“You don’t have to open it, Jessie. You don’t owe her anything.”
“I know. I know that. But…”
But she’s still my Mom. But it’s hard not knowing what’s in there,
even if it could just be another thing to hurt me.
Even after all this time, I still don’t know that I’ve given up on her
completely.
He squeezes my hand again and doesn’t say anything, giving me time
to deal with my thoughts.
“I don’t know.” I let out a long sigh. “I’m not…I don’t think I’m
angry anymore, not really. I don’t…I didn’t think I cared, these days, before
it arrived. But now…”
I’m scared I still might.
“You remember the last time…the way we left it, with her?” I ask
softly.
The last letter I’d had from my Mom had been just after my twenty-
first birthday. She’d sent them every year - birthdays and Christmas - until I
was eighteen. Occasionally she forgot, but they usually turned up
eventually. After that, it had been more sporadic, but I was still expecting -
hoping - for something on my twenty-first. The day I became an adult.
As stupid as it was, part of me hoped she might even turn up.
 Yeah, even after all those years of disappointment, I’d never learned
better. I think I thought it would be different, now that I was an adult. She
wouldn’t have to deal with raising me, after all. Despite all the resentment I
hadn’t quite dealt with, part of me fantasized about having some kind of
relationship with her. Now that we were both fully adults.
So when nothing came at all, it was like a punch to the gut.
And when that letter turned up a week later…all that hope flared to
life in me again. I almost instantly forgave her for being late - I never
thought she was a particularly organized person, and it didn’t matter so
much. Not compared to what I was hoping for.
Instead…I got an upbeat ‘update on her life’ kind of letter, the sort
she’d sent every so often, where she talks about all the things she’s doing
and doesn’t seem to notice that it’s all without me. Her daughter. This time,
it was all about the amazing man she’d just met and how they were leaving
for a road trip across America. She didn’t know where they were going,
when they’d be back, or how often she’d be able to write to me - but she
wanted to tell me everything about the grand adventure she was about to
embark on.
No mention of my birthday. Nothing about coming home, or seeing
me, despite her apparent willingness to give up her job and go just about
anywhere else.
It was all about her. As always.
After that - after I’d spent the next few days in bed, crying my heart
out - Gramps finally had enough.
I don’t know exactly what he did or said, or how the conversation
went - but he told me she wouldn’t contact me again, not unless she was
ready to do whatever it took to earn the right to be part of my life.
I knew the moment he said that, I’d never hear from her again. And
the only thing I felt at that was relief.
It’s what I wanted. I just wanted an end to it. To write her out of my
life for good.
To finally give up on her.
 And it worked.
All of the heartache about what she sent, or said, or did or didn’t
do…all of that disappeared.
I didn’t have to think about her anymore.
And now…she’s back.
“Yes, I remember.”
I look up at the slight inflection in his voice, wondering what he does
remember of that time - what it was like, for him. I’ve never asked before. I
don’t know whether I really want to know. I know how much it hurt him,
everything she did and how it affected me.
I bite my lip.
“Gramps…you told her not to write again, not unless…”
Unless she wanted to be part of my life. Really wanted that.
He nods. “That’s what I said to her.”
I can hear the dubiousness in his voice, though, the same skepticism I
feel.
I let out an exaggerated breath, and finally say what I’ve been
thinking this whole time.
“So either that’s what this letter is about…or she’s totally forgotten
the whole thing.”
There’s more bitterness than I’d like in my voice, but Gramps doesn’t
flinch away from it. He’s always understood - always been there to support
me - and it meant more than I can ever say that it’s always felt like he’s on
my side. Stupid and immature, maybe, but that’s what I was for a long time.
Maybe I still am, even.
He sighs. “That’s what I was thinking.”
“If she does want…I don’t know if I can throw that away, Gramps,
whether I’d really be willing to cut her out forever. But…”
But the kid inside me doesn’t know if she can deal with the pain of
this being something else.
 He wheels himself a little closer, so our knees are almost butting
against each other and the closeness makes me shiver suddenly, as if I’ve
just realized how cold it is sitting here in the chill breeze.
He notices it and, in a maneuver I didn’t think he’d be able to
manage, pushes himself out of the wheelchair and onto the bench beside
me. The next thing I know, he’s got an arm around my shoulders and - to
my total horror and frustration - a few tears escape from the corner of my
eyes.
Damn it. You’re done crying over her. You promised yourself that
years ago.
I’m not sure whether it’s her, though, or Gramps’ steadfast love
beside me. I lean my head down onto his shoulder and sigh, letting him
gather me up and take the weight off my heavy heart the same way he used
to when I was a kid.
“It’s your choice, Jessie. I’ll be here whatever you decide - and
however long you want to take to decide.” He takes my hand again,
squeezing it tightly. “And if you want me to be there…”
I swallow hard.
“I don’t know.” I repeat, my voice sounding hoarse. “I just don’t
know.”
“That’s okay. You’ve got all the time in the world.”
But it doesn’t feel like I have all the time in the world. Even as he
smiles at me, I can see the creases that weren’t there a year ago - his
cheekbones more prominent than they were - the thinning of his wild gray
hair. The frailty of his hands in mine.
I don’t know whether I can do this without him.
I’m scared of being alone.
I don’t realize I’ve said it out loud until he responds.
“You’ll never be alone, Jessie. I’ll always be here for you. Just like
Grandma is.”
That’s all it takes for me to break down completely and I find myself
sobbing in his arms in a way I haven’t done in years. His arms pull tighter
around me and I cling to him, feeling heartbroken and not even sure why.
“That’s okay. Let it out, girl, I’m here.”
I do just that. I’m not sure what I’m letting out, the emotions that
pour through me feeling like they’re about more than just my Mom and
Grandma and my fear of Gramps leaving me, but I do it anyway. I take that
invitation, the gratitude and relief I feel bittersweet as I wonder how I’m
ever going to cope if something happened to him.
It’s been a long time since I ended up crying on a park bench,
oblivious to anyone else around us, but the moment it all starts to subside, I
remember just how embarrassing I find it, sniffling and wiping at my eyes
and nose.
“Here.”
Gramps hands me a handkerchief, and it makes me laugh in between
the tears.
He always did have one of those. Always claimed it was something
every man should carry around - just in case he came across a woman in
distress. I can’t count the number of times I’ve taken one from him, over the
years.
I clean myself up gratefully, the last remaining sobs slowly coming
back under control as I do, something inside me starting to stabilize again
after the storm of emotion that blew through.
“All better?”
I nod, even though both of us know it’s not actually all better - it’s
just a bit better for now. That’s just how life works.
He gives me a gentle smile, squeezing my shoulder.
“I’d offer you an ice cream, but given your earlier reaction, I’m not
sure it’s going to work as well as it did when you were eight.”
I laugh again, hiccuping a little and appreciating the way he can
always make me laugh.
“Maybe you could just tell me some more stories from the care home
for a while?”
 He nods, the sparkle back in his eye - if I ignore some of the concern
underneath - and starts up easily as I help him back into the wheelchair. I
stand up and start pushing him along the path again, continuing our walk
and immediately feeling less on display than when I was sobbing on the
bench. My cheeks are still red and my eyes feel puffy, but as Gramps makes
me laugh a few more times, I start to feel more normal again.
And I’m glad I told him.
I still don’t know what I’m going to do, but not telling him was
eating at me too much.
The rest of our day together passes a lot more easily and by the end
of it I start feeling more like myself again - like I’ll be able to deal with
things, even if I don’t know how yet.
As the sun starts to set on us, seated inside a cafe overlooking Lake
Springfield, he turns to me with a frown, as if only just realizing.
“You didn’t say we’d be out all day, Jessica.”
It’s almost an accusation and I raise an eyebrow. “I didn’t say we
wouldn’t be. Why, worried about missing out on the chance to chase Janet
around some more?”
“You spent all of last weekend with me, too.”
“I love you.” I say, smiling easily as I reach over and squeeze his
hand. “I came back to spend time with you.”
“Not this much of it.” He scowls. “You can’t be spending all your
free time with me, Jessie. You need other people around you here, too, even
if you will be moving back to St. Louis soon.”
I have to stop myself from rolling my eyes at the comment about St.
Louis. He always has to slip it in somewhere, every time I see him.
“I’ve only just moved back, Gramps - I have other people, but it just
takes a bit of time to reconnect, you know?” I reassure him. “I’m going out
with a couple of them for drinks tonight, actually.”
“Ohh?” He raises an eyebrow. “You didn’t say! Well then, you’d
better drop me home, you don’t want to be late for your friends.”
I laugh. “I’ve got plenty of—”
 “No, no. Come now. They’re supposed to be showing The Bucket List
tonight - and I don’t want to miss that!”
I object a few more times, but I know when I’m not going to win -
which seems to be most of the time, with Gramps. Half-laughing and half-
reluctant, I do as he says, settling the bill and taking him back to the care
home. My heart does a funny little twist as he waves goodbye and then
wheels himself inside without a second thought, and I have a brief
flashback to all the emotion of earlier - and the way he comforted me, as he
always does.
I leave with a small sigh, part of me thinking that I’d almost rather
stay and watch The Bucket List with him than get dressed up and go out to a
bar with people I haven’t seen for years. Which, of course, he knows.
And he’s right too - I do need to have friends here. Whatever he may
think, as far as I’m concerned, I’m back for good - and I need to build a life
here.
So I make myself walk out of the care home and back to the car.
At least it should be a good distraction.
A few drinks should give me the chance to forget about everything
that’s going on at the moment - something I never quite get around Gramps,
not with how perceptive he is.

* * *

Unfortunately, that’s not how it works out at all.

“I can’t believe how long it’s been, Jessie!” Kerry grins, standing up
to give me a hug.
I hug them both before sitting down, surprised how enthusiastic they
are to see me again - and immediately warmed by it. We were great friends
in school and did try to keep in contact after I moved, but the last few years
it’s seemed to fade away a bit. I came back to visit Gramps often enough,
but life seemed to get busy for all of us, and arranging a time to meet up
just became harder.
 “I’m so glad you’ve moved back here, babe.” Ange adds, pushing a
mojito over toward me.
I raise it with a smile, feeling far more at ease than I was expecting.
“Yeah, I’m glad to be back.”
We clink and spend the first drink catching up. I tell them about
Gramps and the move back home and they’re genuinely sympathetic, before
letting me know how they and their families have been in turn.
Kerry has a little boy now, a two year old, which is the most shocking
revelation - and Ange has just got a promotion at the department store she
works at. So we celebrate my return, her new job and Kerry finally finding
time to slip away from her kid for a night, and I’m surprised how much I
start enjoying it all.
I’ve been missing my friends from St. Louis and the work colleagues
I have there, but somehow I’d forgotten that I’ve known the people down
here practically all my life - so reaching out to Kerry and Ange really wasn’t
that difficult, and it’s not hard for us to slip back into our usual comfortable
conversation.
At least, until we start reflecting on the past - and in particular, our
old high school. That always used to be a fun conversation - gossiping
about our former classmates and where they might have ended up now,
what we might have seen or heard.
This time, though…not so much.
Somehow both Kerry and Ange also saw the front page of the
Springfield News-Leader this morning - and it’s obvious there’s one
classmate in particular they want to talk about.
“Hey, you must have heard about Kenneth - even all the way in St.
Louis - right, Jessie?” Ange asks eagerly.
“Yeah, he really did well for himself. I’m pretty sure a multi-billion
dollar start up makes the headlines throughout the whole state.” Kerry adds,
grinning at me.
“He’s probably the biggest success story to come out of Parkview
High School - I reckon they’re still talking about him now. D’you think he
goes back, gives talks and things like that?”
“Nah.” Kerry wrinkles her nose. “I mean, if they wanted you to go
back and do that, would you?”
“Mm, fair point. Maybe not. Unless I wanted to flaunt all my great
achievements—ooh, do you think Mrs Patmoor is still there? God, I’d love
to walk in there as a billionaire and see what she says now about how I’ll
never amount to anything. Think she remembers that? Yeah, I’d do it then.”
Kerry laughs. “I’m pretty sure she wouldn’t remember saying
anything of the sort, if you’d actually amounted to anything.”
“Hey! I’m a store manager now, that’s something, I’ll tell you.” She
grins suddenly. “Hey, maybe they’d want me to go back after all, with this
new promotion. I could tell all the kids that it doesn’t matter what they say,
you can still make something of yourself - that’s a good story. You don’t
have to be a billionaire to be impressive, right?”
“Yeah, I don’t think they’d invite you to go say that.”
“Pity.” She sighs, still laughing, then obviously notices my silence
and glances over. “You do remember Kenneth, right?”
“’Course she does.” Kerry interrupts, nudging me. “Jessica here even
had that thing with him for a while, didn’t you, babe?”
“Oohh yeah!”
I try not to wince. It was years ago. Of course they remember it as
‘that thing’ instead of the total heartbreak it ended in. I’m sure that’s all
they think of their own immature, high school heartbreaks too.
That’s all your think of it too, Jessica, remember? It’s not like yours
was any different - or that you’re any less over high school than they are.
“Damn, should’ve hung onto that one, clearly.” Ange grins at me,
then glances over at Kerry with a sigh. “We all should have. Think he’d find
it weird if we get back in touch now? Suspect that it’s just because he’s rich
and famous and all that?”
“It would be just because of that.” Kerry points out with a laugh,
taking another sip of the nearly-empty mojito.
 As the drinks have emptied, her voice has slowly gotten louder - and
it’s obvious where these light-hearted, merry comments are coming from.
Usually, I’d be laughing along with them, but the last thing I want to talk
about tonight is Kenneth. I’ve still got Gramps’ words in my ears - and I
was hoping for a distraction from all that.
“Yeah, but would he know?” Ange presses and Kerry nudges her.
“’Course. You don’t get to where he is without working shit like that
out.”
“Yeah…guess so.” She sighs dramatically, then looks over at me.
“Don’t suppose you kept in touch with him?”
“Hey, don’t you work there now?” Kerry adds, eyes alighting on me
suddenly. “Didn’t you say you got a job at ExVenture - that’s his company,
you know!”
Yes, I know.
The knot in my stomach seems to get heavier, twisting inside me as I
try to shrug the comment off.
“Yeah, but…”
“Oh my god!” Ange says, nudging me from the other side, and I can
tell that the cocktails are starting to affect her by the slight glint in her eyes.
That wouldn’t usually be a problem, of course - they’d started to
affect me, too, before this talk of Kenneth sobered me up like a splash of
cold water - but right now, I can’t help wishing they weren’t being quite so
loud…or persistent.
Can’t we just talk about something else? Please?
“Well?” Kerry asks, giving me a sly smile. “Have you seen him?”
“It’s a big office, Kerry.” I shrug again. “I’m just a secretary there.”
Both of those things are true, and neither one actually answers the
question. I don’t want to lie to them - they’re my friends - but I can’t bring
myself to admit that I work directly for him, not with the way they’re
talking at the moment.
Ange lets out another big sigh, as neither of them pick up on that.
“Typical. Our one chance…”
 “Why are you both so hung up on him, anyway?” I finally say
something. “High school was forever ago.”
“Oh, we know.” Kerry says, her smile gentling a little. “But don’t
you find it cool, too? Even if it was that long ago, we sort-of-know a
billionaire. Back then, I don’t think anyone would’ve guessed it would
work out that way - and now, well…it’s almost like he’s our billionaire.
Gotta keep tabs on the one claim to fame we’re ever gonna have, girl.”
She winks at me - and even though I don’t agree with any of that, I
can’t help softening a little bit.
“I guess…” I say slowly, then try to change the subject. “Still, it’s a
little defeatist, don’t you think? Who says we’re not going to be rich and
famous one day ourselves?”
Kerry laughs. “If that was going to happen, I think it would’ve by
now, Jess. Besides, when am I going to get time to do anything impressive
with little Adam screaming the house down night and day?”
Unbidden, an image of Abbie floats into my mind again - and the
way Kenneth somehow manages to run his company anyway. I shake it off.
Even I’m not going to claim that would be simple.
Instead, I squeeze her shoulder. “Believe me, Kerry - right now, I
can’t imagine anything more impressive than raising a one-year-old kid.”
She beams at me and something inside me loosens a little, feeling
warm at how pleased she obviously is - and slightly relieved that we might
finally be able to move onto talking about her little boy, instead of the boss
I can’t work out.
Until Ange interrupts us.
“Talking of keeping tabs on him.” She says, as if she hasn’t heard
anything we’ve said since that. “Did you guys see the paper this morning?”
This time, I almost do groan out loud. One conversation about that is
pretty much all I can take - and I’ve already had it.
“Fuck, yes!” Kerry’s attention snaps back over to her. “I couldn’t
believe it—he’s been accused of sexual harassment, Jessica.”
She adds, filling me in as if I didn’t already know.
 “Do you think it’s true?” Ange asks, chewing her lip.
“I don’t know. I mean—why would he? It just seems stupid. With a
company—and he has a kid now, Jess, did you know that?”
“Guys can be idiots.” Ange offers, by way of explanation. “Though I
don’t know why he’d need to. I mean, god, have you seen the guy
recently?”
Kerry shakes her head.
“There was a full-length photo in…oh, god, I forget, but anyway—he
is seriously smokin’ these days. Total babe. I mean, I know you’re happily
married and all, but I’m not sure I’d mind if he wanted to sexually harass
me a little.” She winks, giggling, and my nose wrinkles at the comment.
Was she always this…crude?
Kerry catches it too, though, however happy-drunk she might be
right now.
“Ange.” She says, her tone disapproving. “Don’t say things like
that.”
“Yeah, yeah, okay, but you get my point, right?”
Kerry rolls her eyes and I just sigh.
“What do you think?” Kerry asks, turning to me. “Got any inside
gossip? Is this thing real?”
I shake my head immediately. “The paper was printed today,
remember? No one has heard anything about it at ExVenture. Came out of
nowhere.”
That’s definitely true, and there’s no way I’m saying anything else.
“That means it’s false, right?” Ange says, looking at Kerry hopefully.
“If no one heard anything about it, it probably didn’t happen.”
“Who knows?” Kerry shrugs, then frowns. “I hope not. I kind of
admired the guy, what he’s made of himself, but if that’s what he’s like…”
“Yeah. Why do all the rich, hot guys turn out to be assholes?” Ange
sympathizes immediately.
 Kerry laughs. “Because that’s the only thing stopping you hooking up
with one, right?”
Ange grins back and they finally - finally - move onto talking about
Ange’s love life.
I don’t try to correct any of their thoughts or assumptions about
Kenneth. For one thing, they don’t know that I’m working closely enough
with him to have an opinion, and I’d rather keep it that way. For another, I
don’t even know if I have an opinion. At least, not one I can back up with
anything real.
I might not have been able to hold my tongue with Gramps, but that
was different. I don’t know why I cared what he thought about Kenneth so
much, but for some reason I did. With Ange and Kerry, it’s obviously just
idle speculation - and the worst thing I could do would be to continue
talking about it.
The conversation moves on, but I’m quiet for the rest of the evening,
not quite able to recapture my initial buzz at seeing them after being away
for the last few years.
It’s still a nice evening, but I can’t deny my mind is stuck on Kenneth
again - and this time, I can’t shake it.
It seems like whatever I do, everything comes back to him. I guess
maybe that’s what happens when you’re working for a local celebrity, but
still…damn it.
So much for a pleasant evening to distract me.

OceanofPDF.com
 Chapter Seven
Kenneth

“I want to come with you, Daddy!”

Abbie bounces on her toes as I try to say goodbye.
I laugh, ruffling the knot of hair on the top of her head. “I’m going to
work, sweetie. You don’t want to come and watch that all day. You’d be
bored.”
“Would not.” She insists, stamping her little foot for emphasis. “I
want to do work, too! With Jessica!”
Ohh. That’s what this is about.
I pick her up with a laugh, spinning her around - my go-to method of
turning that slightly grumpy expression into a fit of giggles - and shake my
head.
“Believe me, sweetie, you’ll have lots of time to work when you’re
my age.” I glance up as I set Abbie down, meeting Kara’s eyes where she’s
standing by the kitchen counter. “Right now, you get to spend all day
playing with Kara.”
“But…”
“I wish I could do that - you’re going to have so much more fun than
me today.” I say, with an exaggerated sigh. “I’d love to spend all day
playing with the two of you, instead of going to work.”
Her eyes light up and she tugs on my hand. “Stay, Daddy! Stay and
play with us!”
The appeal tugs on my heart and I feel the familiar guilt as I give her
a soft smile, tussling her hair.
“I wish I could, Abbie. I wish I could stay here with you forever.”
Before she can suggest we do just that, I shake my head again. “But I’ll be
back very soon, okay? And you can tell me all about everything you do with
Kara today.”
 Kara takes the cue, coming over to crouch down beside Abbie with a
beaming smile of her own as she coaxes my daughter away from me.
“Okay…” Abbie finally relents, letting go of my hand, and I almost
feel like a part of my heart goes with her as I lean down to give her a last
kiss goodbye.
“I love you, baby girl—bye bye—have a good day with Kara, okay?
Be good for her.”
She nods, following Kara back to the kitchen, but I still feel bad as I
finally walk out of the door.
It’s times like these when I wish that maybe I hadn’t been so
successful - that I had a boss I could blame for needing to go into work, or
bills that I wouldn’t be able to pay otherwise. But if I’m honest with myself
- as I am every time I leave Abbie in the morning - I don’t really need to
work. I’ve got enough money now to be secure for life - if I never worked
another day then I’d barely notice it, financially.
I could sell my company, take the money and retire to spending every
moment with the daughter I’m raising. All the stress of trying to balance
everything would disappear. It’s something I think about too often - almost
all the time - but I can’t quite bring myself to do it.
As much as I tell Abbie that I wish I could stay with her and we
could spend all day together - as much as it’s always the absolute truth
when I say it - I’m scared of how that might change if that really was how I
spent every day.
My ambition and work has fueled me all my life, enough that I don’t
quite know what I’d be if I didn’t have a job to go to - something to strive
for, to push for, to succeed at.
You’re too scared of how it might affect you, to give it all up for
Abbie.
I don’t know what that makes me. I try to be a good father, but how
can I be, if I can’t bring myself to do that for my daughter?
If I’m that selfish…
 It makes me think that maybe Ashley was right. Maybe I never cared
enough about our family.
Of course, she obviously didn’t either, so it’s not like she can judge.
But the words still stick with me anyway.
I get into work still thinking about how I could work out a potential
compromise - something to change the balance a little, so that Abbie and I
have more time together, but I don’t completely lose everything that’s
driven me to this point. Maybe if I took a step back, let my various
department heads run more things themselves and stopped trying to involve
myself in every aspect of the business…
I could cut down a few hours. Maybe work a couple of half-days, or a
day less…
“Kenneth.” Jessica’s voice interrupts my thought process as I walk
in, and I look up, stopping by her desk. “Mr. Heath and Ms. Jackson are
waiting in your office - they requested an urgent meeting for as soon as you
got in.”
And, just like that, everything I was thinking disappeared - my focus
narrowing to the job in front of me right now, the latest business emergency.
Not that this one is entirely business.
I close my eyes briefly. I know exactly what Patrick and Kelly want
to discuss. I’ve already had a couple of emergency phone calls over the
weekend - the time I do consider sacrosanct for Abbie and I - and it’s really
not how I want to start my week.
But, given the article in the Springfield News-Leader on Saturday -
and then the follow up they did yesterday - I also don’t have a choice.
I take that moment, then nod. “Thanks, Jessica.”
I step toward my office, then pause abruptly, suddenly wondering
whether she’s seen the article too.
Probably. Who hasn’t?
I feel the heat start to gather at my collar, and I’m not quite sure
whether it’s anger or embarrassment. Probably both.
 I hesitate, wanting to ask - wanting to say something - but not sure
how to. One look at her carefully expressionless face has my heart sinking,
though, and I know I don’t have time to stick around and work it out. I’m
sure she’s seen it. And I don’t know what to say that wouldn’t make
whatever she’s thinking worse.
What is she thinking? Does she believe it? How could she - how
could anyone?!
Damn you, Danielle. Damn you to hell.
“Kenneth?” She finally asks, and I shake my head.
“Could you wait with my coffee until after the meeting, please?” I
say instead, ignoring the subject completely.
She nods and I walk into the office, feeling like my mind’s all over
the place - like it’s been all over the place for a long time, too.
Since Jessica appeared as my new secretary.
Or probably even before that.
Since Ashley walked out and left me alone with Abbie.
I try to shake all of that off, focusing on the tough meeting ahead of
me - and it’s about as bad as I expect.
Patrick has pulled together a plan for our defense, which is
something, but he’s still advising me to try to settle this - and Kelly…well,
Kelly is pissed. And stressed.
She has some good suggestions for how we respond to the article and
what our position should be - but then comes out with outlandish
suggestions for how to recover our public image that leave me feeling…
dirty somehow.
Donating to charity. Hosting a grand dinner. Volunteer work and
corporate citizen initiatives. Announce a new factory that will boost
employment.
None of those are bad things to do, of course. But in response to
these accusations?
It feels like we’d just be trying to distract everyone with cheap
tactics.
 She just doesn’t get that I don’t want to distract people or get
everyone to forget about this - I want to prove I’m innocent.
By the time they leave at the end of a long hour of debate, we’re not
much closer to agreeing a PR strategy and I feel like I’ve worked a full day-
and-a-half.
“Should’ve stayed with you, Abbie.” I mutter to myself, then look up
as Jessica comes in with my coffee.
“Thanks.” I say again, with more gratitude than I intend.
She nods and I get a strange feeling of disappointment as she walks
out without another word. No smiles. No sparkling eyes or amusing
comments. Nothing like the lively exchanges I enjoyed seeing last week.
I guess all that was just for Abbie.
I sigh softly, sipping at the coffee even though it scalds my tongue
and watching her through the half-closed blinds covering the glass walls of
my office. She sits back at her desk with the graceful confidence she’s
always seemed to have, her long brown hair flicking over one shoulder and
her mouth pursed in concentration as she looks at the screen in front of her.
Beautiful. Just like she always was, only…more.
I can’t help the thought - or the slight stirring of desire that comes
with it.
It’s not a good idea, I know that. I don’t even know what it is,
exactly, but after the way she was with Abbie last week…it’s all I can see.
She’s beautiful just like this - working hard and focusing - but it’s the
way she was last week that I’m really seeing.
The way she smiled and laughed as she played with my daughter. It
lit her whole face up, took me back to the girl I remember - the sweet,
carefree attitude she had back then. Life and energy radiated from her last
week, the sort of thing to draw someone in and intoxicate them. I could feel
it happening even in the few moments I was around her.
No wonder Abbie wanted to come back.
It captured my daughter, that’s for sure. And maybe more of me than
I noticed at the time.
 I just wasn’t expecting…it to all disappear again.
Part of me wonders how she can do that - how she can so easily
distance herself like that - but the bigger part is just disappointed.
“Should have brought you in after all, Abbie. Maybe we’d both be
happier that way.” I say into my coffee, swirling it around in front of me.
There are dozens of things to look at and address on my computer,
but right now I don’t feel like any of that. Instead, I’m sitting here having a
one-way conversation with the daughter I left at home.
I lean back with a sigh, stretching my arms over my back as I try to
dissipate some of the tension from the meeting I just had - and eventually, I
do start working.
I’m still thinking about Jessica, though, as the day passes. I can’t
quite work her out. The hints of the girl I used to know. The hints of the
woman she was last week. And yet…nothing. When it comes to me,
absolutely nothing.
I shouldn’t care. It shouldn’t matter. But somehow, it seems to.
Is the way we left things still affecting her, even after all this time?
Enough that she can’t even give me the occasional smile, crack the
occasional joke? Or is this just how she works, what it means to be
professional to her?
Whatever she feels about it all, though, my curiosity is stoked.
Despite everything else, I want to know more about her. I want to know
what’s happened since high school. I want to know what her life is like. I
want to know what’s behind that distance she creates around me.
And I want to understand why I’m suddenly so fascinated. Is it just
the past? Or last week? Or…what?
It plays on my mind all day, and by the time she walks into my office
in the late afternoon, to give me an update on everything she’s been filtering
through for me, all I can focus on is the way she looks as she stands there.
The slight gloss on her lips as they move, the straight brown hair that
falls down in front of her shoulder, the slight movement of her body as she
talks. I don’t hear a word she says. Instead, the interest I felt the moment
she first walked into my office after all those years comes right back.
Almost as if she’d never been gone at all.
She finishes her debrief then stands there, obviously waiting for me
to say something.
Does she feel it too? Any of it? Or has she completely forgotten what
it used to be like?
I ignore that, standing and walking around to the front of my desk,
perching on the edge of it. I know what I want to say - and I don’t want to
be sat at my desk when I do. I don’t want to look like her boss right now.
“Jessica…” I say softly, and I can see from the sudden tension in her
that she registers the difference in my tone. “I never did get a chance to
really thank you - for last week.”
“It was nothing.” She shrugs, not really looking at me. “I didn’t mind
- your daughter is a lovely girl.”
I smile slightly. “Yes, she really is. I’m lucky to have her.”
There’s a moment of silence as Jessica doesn’t say anything more,
making my stomach tighten with a premonition of how this might go - but
I’m determined anyway.
“It’s been a long time, you know, and we’re working so closely
together…it would be nice to catch up.” I pause, then finally say what I’ve
been thinking this whole time - the unspoken thing between us. “I know it
was years ago now, but for what it’s worth, I’m sorry…for what happened
back then. We were both just kids, but even so, I should have…done
better.”
Her eyes flick up to mine - and then away. I think I might even see
something flick across her face, but it’s gone too quickly for me to tell,
except that I can see the way she shifts - away from me, slightly, like she
wants to get away. I push on before she can try to.
“Let me buy you a coffee somewhere - to say thank you for last
week, at least. I’d like to feel things are good between us.”
I’d like to get past some of this distance you seem to have.
I don’t say it, but that’s what I’m thinking.
 I’d thought it was okay at first - I thought maybe it would even be
helpful - but now, after I saw so much of the alternative last week? I can’t
help it. I want that Jessica here.
“I don’t think that’s a good idea.” She says quietly, shaking her head.
Is that a tremor in her voice, or am I imagining it?
She looks so fragile right now, so pale as she shifts just slightly, so
that she’s nearer the door. I didn’t want that - don’t want it. I have to resist
the urge to walk up to her, to stroke her cheek and bring her face up to look
at me - to coax what’s wrong out of her. I get a sudden flashback to all the
times I used to do just that, and I have to shake it off.
Especially since I think what’s wrong might well be me.
So I try something else instead.
I give her a real smile, tilting my head and raising an eyebrow as I
used to do when I teased her.
“Why not?” I ask, with the same cocky confidence I used all the time
back then.
It feels almost rusty, but it’s obviously still there. I just haven’t had
any reason to use it. That sort of thing hasn’t exactly been high on my
agenda since Ashley left.
It gets a reaction, too - just not the one I was hoping for. Instead, I
can almost feel the way she recoils, before her back stiffens, ramrod-
straight.
“Well, for one thing.” She says, defensively. “You’re in the middle of
a lawsuit for sexual harassment.”
The words feel like a slap in the face, coming out of nowhere and
hitting me hard enough to almost leave me speechless. That brief moment
of cockiness disappears in an instant and I grip the desk with one hand,
totally off-balance.
“I—what—” I shake my head, hard. “That’s not what—”
Oh god. Fuck. What does she think? That I did that? That this was—
damn it, was this—? Fuck.
 I stare at her in horror as I part of me questions what I just suggested.
I’ve never—I would never—
But you can’t deny the way you’ve been looking at her. Or that you
just invited her out for coffee. And that she’s your employee.
Fuck. That ticks pretty much every box for inappropriate. In a way
that nothing that happened with Danielle ever was. But that’s not what I
meant - not even what I wanted.
“No.” I say, firmly, before I even work out quite what I’m refuting.
“Jessica, I didn’t mean it like that. I’m not—I just—”
But I can’t even work out what I’m just doing. She’s looking at me
uncertainly - and I don’t know whether that’s because of the situation, or
because she doesn’t believe me, but it stings either way.
I take a deep breath. “That lawsuit is bullshit, Jessica. It’s a bitter
woman’s attempt to cause trouble and get something out of me for it. You
don’t…you don’t believe it?”
The moment I ask her, I hate myself for it - for how weak that
sounds. But I need to hear it, too. I can’t stand the idea that she could think
that of me - not after everything…not after our past.
Fucking hell, it could be because of our past.
But however I might have hurt her when I left, it was never anything
like that. I’ve never taken advantage of anyone.
“I don’t…I don’t know what to believe.” She says quietly, looking at
the ground, before that detachment comes back into her voice again. I want
to curse her for how easy she makes that seem - all the distance I feel none
of - as she shakes her head. “Sorry, that’s not—It doesn’t matter. It’s got
nothing to do with me. I don’t—I don’t have an opinion, and I don’t need to
—”
“Bullshit.” I say, the frustration seeping into my voice. “Of course
you have an opinion. Of course that matters. You can’t work for someone
who you think would do that. You can’t. You shouldn’t.”
This time I do step up closer to her - and I’m more than a little
surprised when she doesn’t step back. She never shied away from anything
when we were younger, either, but with her body screaming she just wanted
to leave earlier, I thought she might have.
I don’t quite reach out to hold her shoulders, though I really want to.
I don’t hook a finger under her chin to make her look at me, either. I’ve got
too much sexual harassment bullshit going around in my head right for any
of that.
All I can do is talk, her words echoing around in my mind.
I don’t know what to believe.
It hurts. It’s galling. But it’s better than everything else she said after
it. At least it was real.
“I didn’t do it, Jessica. I swear. I don’t know what the article said—”
“I didn’t read it.” She interrupts, and I let out a slow breath.
“Me neither. I was too pissed about the whole thing before that even
came out. But whatever they’re saying - whatever Danielle is saying - none
of it happened. That’s the last thing on my mind these days. I’ve got Abbie
to worry about, and the business, and no god-damn time to muster up
enough interest to even glance at a woman. My libido fucked off into long-
term storage the day Ashley left.”
At least until you showed up.
I don’t add that part, though. I don’t think it would help make my
point.
I’m not sure how talking about my libido or general interest in
women fits in with the whole sexual harassment thing, either, but right now
I’m ignoring all that. Talking to Jessica - especially like this - doesn’t feel
like talking to my secretary. This doesn’t feel like a purely professional
relationship, not right now.
It feels more like talking to someone I used to know - an old friend.
Yes. Friend. Leave it right there.
I see Jessica’s mouth quirk up at the corner, and when she finally
raises her eyes to meet mine I catch a glimpse of the life in them.
“Okay.” She says softly, her voice sympathetic. “I didn’t really
think…that’s pretty much what I figured, anyway.”
 “You believe me?” I ask again, still needing to hear it.
“Yes, I believe you.” She repeats, then her eyes crease at the edges
and she gives me a tiny smile. “Is that what you’re planning to say when
they ask you about it in court?”
I can tell by the look in her eyes that she’s referring to the part about
my libido, obviously amused, and the question startles a laugh out of me.
“My lawyer won’t let me.” I grumble, as all that tension flows out of
me in a sudden wave.
“Pity.” She says, in that slightly cheeky, teasing voice she always
used to have.
The strength of my immediate reaction startles me, long-ago desire
sparking within me, and I freeze, scared any movement will make the
beginnings of that physical response obvious.
Fuck. Not what I need. Not right now. Not after all that.
She doesn’t seem to notice, though, shaking her head as she looks off
to the side. Thank god.
“That’s not what I meant, you know, when I said I didn’t think it
would be a good idea.” Her eyes flick back to mine as she speaks almost
hesitantly. “I didn’t think you were suggesting—”
Her face heats and she looks away again. I shift ever so slightly,
trying to fill my mind with the finances I was just working and forget all
about what Jessica looks like, standing there opposite me. Talking to me -
really talking, all that distance melted into the soft, sweet expression I
remember.
“I just thought…it wouldn’t be a good idea. With all this going on.”
I’m pretty sure that’s not just what she was thinking - from the way
she reacted, some of it didn’t have anything to do with the lawsuit at all.
But, unfortunately, she’s also right about that. Especially given my…
current predicament.
I sigh, nodding. “Yeah, you’re probably right. I wasn’t really thinking
about any of that, or how it might…look.”
 She nods and I can see the glimmer of sympathy there as we’re quiet
for a moment, just stood there together - before she brings us back to
business.
“Would you like another coffee before your next meeting?”
She looks at me this time, at least, and her tone isn’t brisk or
professional. I could be imagining it, but I might even say it’s got a little
warmth in it.
I shake my head. “I’m fine, thanks.”
“Okay then.” She pauses, then gives me a little smile before she turns
to leave.
I watch her go, letting out a breath as she shuts the door behind her -
though whether it’s with relief or disappointment, I’m not sure.
It gives me a chance to maneuver back around the desk, at least - my
half-hard cock still readily apparent when I glance down. I close my eyes
and lean my head back against the chair, not sure what to make of it all.
I think that’s the first real conversation we’ve had since she started
working for me.
It was…nice.
“Stupid lawsuit.” I mutter again, but I know it’s not really just that.
I’m not sure I need any of this right now - the distraction, the risk
involved with actually liking someone…never mind the fact she’s my
secretary as well.
Yeah. She’s right. Coffee is a bad idea. It’s all a bad idea.
So why, for the first time in forever, am I actually trying to consider
it?
Not seriously, sure, but enough that I’m wondering if there could be a
point that coffee wouldn’t be such a bad idea…maybe…eventually…
I shake my head. I’ve got enough to deal with. The last thing I need
is to make life more complicated.
But even as I turn back to my work, Jessica’s comment about the
court comes back to me and I find myself smiling again - and hoping that
she won’t be so distant anymore. It would be something to work with the
real Jessica now - the girl that makes me smile - even if we can’t go for
coffee.

OceanofPDF.com
 Chapter Eight
Kenneth

“Don’t go, Daddy, don’t goooo!” Abbie cries, clinging to my leg just
as I’m about to leave for work.
“Hey, hey…” I say gently, dropping to one knee and putting my
hands on her shoulders. “What’s this about, sweetie? I’m just going to
work. I’ll be back this evening.”
“I don’t want you to goooo!”
“Heyy, baby girl…” I pull her into me, giving her a tight hug as she
sniffles. “I’m coming back. I won’t be gone long, I promise.”
“You never come back!” She pushes at me, angry-upset, and I try to
comfort her.
The front of my shirt is all wet with her tears, her whole face shining
with moisture as I murmur to her and try to wipe some of it off. She pushes
at my hand. “No, Daddy, don’t.”
“I’m just trying to help—”
“I don’t want your help! You’re gooooooo-ing…” She hiccups,
bursting into tears again and making my heart ache in my chest as I gather
her up into my arms.
I leave my bag on the floor and take her into the living area, settling
us both down on the couch where I can cuddle her to me. I can feel Kara’s
eyes on us and I have no idea what she thinking - but right now, I don’t
care. For some reason, the magic she works on my daughter has been less
effective over the last couple of weeks. Usually having her here to entertain
and distract Abbie means my little girl will barely notice when I leave for
work, but these days she’s become far more clingy.
It’s just another thing reminding me I should be looking for a new
Nanny, too - someone slightly more reliable, if nothing else - but my first
couple of attempts haven’t worked out at all, the people I’ve talked to
totally unsuitable.
 Why is it so hard to find the right person?
Except that I do know why. I don’t think I’ve fully trusted anyone
with my little girl since Ashley left.
“Heyyy, baby girl. What’s wrong? Don’t you like it here with Kara?”
I murmur to her, rocking her a little. “I’ll be back tonight, before you go to
bed. We can read Giraffes Don’t Dance together again, hmm? Wouldn’t you
like that?”
She shakes her head, burying it closer against my chest as her fists
cling to my shirt. I stroke her hair gently, rocking us both together on the
couch.
“What’s wrong, Abbie?” I ask again, as she hiccups in my arms, her
little body shaking against me. “Why don’t you want me to go to work
today?”
“You aaalllways go.” She complains, her voice a long moan broken
up with little sobs, as I tuck her hair back behind her ear, kissing her
forehead.
“I have to go to work, sweetie.” I say gently. “But it’s only for a little
while - and you have fun here with Kara, don’t you?”
She takes small gasping breaths as her breathing starts to come back
under control, still clinging onto my shirt.
“But y-you go and—and you don’t—you don’t come back…”
I frown, rubbing her back as I look down at her. “I’m coming back
tonight, sweetie. It’s not that long.”
She shakes her head. “No! No, you’re not! You’re going awaaay.”
“Abbie, I’m not going away.” I say, trying to keep my voice steady.
Is that what she thinks? That I’m going on a business trip again?
“I’m coming home tonight.” I repeat, trying to reassure her - even as
unease stirs within me.
I’m not going away today, but…I’m all too aware that I will be in a
couple of weeks. If this is how she’s feeling about it…my heart sinks. I
have no idea how I’m going to explain it to her. It’s been getting harder and
harder each time, but there’s no way this trip can be postponed. have to
meet the investors that are the sole reason ExVenture has been able to
expand so quickly. Not showing up to that simply isn’t an option.
“You’re not! You said!”
I blink at her, drawn out of my worry about the future by my concern
for right now.
“What do you mean, sweetie? What did I say?”
“You said…you were—were going—on a trip…that’s what you
said.”
My brow furrows. I definitely haven’t talked to her about this
upcoming trip to New York - I’m much more careful about how I do that.
So where did she hear—
Oh damn.
I did talk to Kara. My eyes flick over toward the kitchen, but
although I can hear her moving around and getting things ready for Abbie’s
breakfast, I can’t see her. Whatever other concerns I might have about her,
she does at least know when we need some privacy.
I hadn’t thought Abbie was anywhere nearby when I spoke to her
about the trip last night - she was supposed to be playing in the other room -
and I just wanted to know if Kara would be available to stay over for the
week.
My daughter wasn’t supposed to hear - I needed to find the right time
and way to tell her, and definitely not so long before it’s even going to
happen - but these last few months, her ears just seem to have gotten bigger
and bigger.
“Sweetie.” I try to reassure her. “I’m not going on a trip. I’m not
going away. I’m coming home tonight.”
“But—but—you said—”
“I know. I was just talking about…another time.” I say, keeping my
voice as soothing as I can make it.
I still wince internally at that. I’ve never lied to Abbie, I don’t believe
in that, but I don’t think admitting I’ll be going away another time is going
to help too much.
 “I’m not going away now, I promise.”
“I don’t want you to go!” She says again, that crying moan back in
her voice as she presses tight against me.
“I know.” I say quietly. “I don’t want to go, either. I don’t want to be
away from you, baby girl.”
It’s true, as well. There are some trips - like this one - that I really
can’t get out of, as the CEO and owner of ExVenture, but I’ve done
everything I can to cut down on all the trips I used to make before Abbie
was born. I might not feel like I can give up my job or my company, but I
really don’t like being away from Abbie for so long. Right now, she’s
growing so quickly and doing and saying more amazing things every day, I
don’t want to miss a moment of it.
“Then don’t!” She pushes at me again, glaring up at me with shiny,
tear-glistening eyes.
“I wish I didn’t have to…but that’s not for a while, Abbie. You don’t
have to worry about that now, sweetie.” I stroke her hair again. “I’ll be back
to see you tonight. Not long at all. And you’ll have a fun day here with
Kara.”
I try to get back to that again. I know I’m not going to move from
this couch until she seems okay again - there’s no way I could leave her so
upset - but as much as I wish I didn’t, I can almost feel the time ticking on,
the day getting later, and some stupid part of my mind is trying to work out
what I’m going to be late for this morning. It’s a nagging feeling, slowly
building stress that I can’t quite ignore.
“Don’t go…” She says again, quieter this time, all collapsed in my
arms and cuddled against me.
The sight of her little form there, the sadness in her voice, it does
something to me. This isn’t what I want. This isn’t the sort of father I want
to be.
I just don’t know how to do anything else right now.
“You really don’t want me to go away again, hmm, sweetie?” I ask
her gently, making my voice soft and soothing as I rock her in my arms.
 She shakes her head and I tilt her chin up toward me, so that I can see
the stubborn look on her face. She’s quieter now, all the tears and sobbing
worn out of her, but she’s obviously still not happy.
“How about…” I say slowly, wondering as I say it, if I’m going to
regret doing so before I’ve worked anything out. “How about I see what I
can do, okay?”
She blinks at me.
“I don’t want you upset, baby girl, and I don’t want to be away from
you. Why don’t I…see if I can find a way to make things better, hm? So
that I don’t have to leave you?”
She continues looking at me for a long moment, and I’m not entirely
sure whether she understands or what she’s thinking, but after a while she
nestles in closer.
“You’re not going?”
Guilt and unease stab through me, knowing just talking about this is
risky. The last thing I want to do is say something and then let her down,
but…that look on her face…
“I don’t know yet, Abbie. I’m going to try and find a way that I can
stay with you, okay?” I take a deep breath. “But, you know…I need to go
into work to find that out.”
She doesn’t say anything and I hug her tightly, squeezing her to me.
“Are you okay if I go to work soon? So I can try to stop that trip I
have to go on?” I bounce her gently against me and I can tell by her
breathing, by the way the tears are drying on her face, that she’s calmer
now.
Eventually, she gives me a small nod, but she’s still clinging to me. I
lean down to kiss her.
“Thank you, Abbie. We’ll wait until you’re okay to go and play with
Kara again, okay? I’ll be here for you as long as you need.”
We cuddle on the couch for a while longer and I try not to think
about the time too much. Not when Abbie so obviously needs my love and
attention.
 When she’s finally ready for me to let her up, she’s still quieter than
usual and reluctant to let go of my hand, but she eventually she says
goodbye and we do our usual kiss-and-hug-and-love-you routine before I
leave her with Kara.
I turn at the door to see her looking at me over her shoulder as Kara
leads her back to the kitchen for breakfast, and blow her a kiss before I
leave.
All I want is to find a way to wipe that sad look off her face.

* * *

I tell Jessica to clear my morning by the time I finally get into the
office - though, of course, she’s already done that with the first half, after it
was obvious that I was running late.
I need some time to work this out and find a way to keep my word to
my daughter. This trip has been at the back of my mind for the last few
weeks and I know I’ve just been avoiding thinking about it. Not wanting to
admit to myself or to Abbie that I’m going away for a week again.
A coffee cup appears miraculously at my side - and I can feel Jessica
hover there for a moment, watching me. I haven’t said why I was late, I
typically don’t, but I’m sure she can guess. She leaves without saying
anything, though, and my eyes only flick upwards as the door closes with a
soft ‘click’ behind her. It wouldn’t usually be closed, either, but I’m grateful
that she can read my need for some privacy right now.
After our conversation a week ago, she’s seemed to read me and what
I need better than ever - and she’s been warmer, too, just like I was hoping
for. Though now, if I’m honest, I’m not so sure how much of a good thing
that is. It’s become increasingly difficult not to notice her, despite how right
she was about what terrible timing it would be for us to go out for coffee.
Not to mention, she’s your employee.
But when she smiles like…
 Stop. Stop thinking about that. You’re focusing on Abbie this
morning, remember?
I turn my attention back to the computer in front of me, looking over
the schedule for that week and trying to work out if I can find a way to
postpone the meetings - or maybe invite them to come to me instead…
Yeah, all of them. The several different groups I was going to talk to,
across several different meetings.
Including those few individuals who came down here the last time
we had a meeting.
Or maybe I can send someone else…
Yeah. To meet with company execs worth multi-billions of dollars.
As a sign of our appreciation for their investment and trust. That will go
down well.
You’ve got the whole morning to work on this.
Unfortunately, it takes a fraction of that time to figure out that there
really is no alternative. I have to go to New York. Unless I want to piss off a
lot of very powerful, influential people in a way that will no doubt come
back to harm ExVenture.
Shit.
I lean back in the chair, running my hands through my hair as I
picture Abbie’s face this morning again. I can’t leave her for another week.
Not so soon after my last business trip.
For a brief moment, my mind flicks to Ashley. There’s no doubt
Abbie would jump at the chance to spend a week with her Mom - she
wouldn’t even notice my absence. But even as I think of it, I discard the
idea. Even if Ashley were to agree to the idea - with just two weeks notice -
I’d never be able to guarantee she wouldn’t bail at the last minute. That
would be the worst of all.
My next thought is my parents - but Abbie isn’t so close to them. Not
as close as I’d like, anyway. Not close enough for her to be comfortable
spending a week with them if I wasn’t there - I imagine she’d rather spend
the time with Kara.
 Who still hasn’t confirmed she can do it.
Argh.
It’s a nightmare.
The quiet knock on my door jerks my head up, to see Jessica’s head
appear around my office door.
“I just wanted to check if you needed anything. I’ve got the usual
morning summary, but there’s nothing that can’t wait - or I can send it
across to your computer if you prefer.”
Even if I couldn’t see it on her face, it would be obvious she’s
concerned just from that. She never usually interrupts - and definitely not to
‘check if I need anything’ - she simply filters things to make sure they’re
ready when I am available and trusts that I’ll say if I need something. It’s
part of what makes her such a good secretary.
I let out a sigh, shaking my head. “I don’t need anything.”
Just a way out of this stupid trip.
But as good as she is, I don’t think even Jessica could rearrange those
meetings without some serious penalties. And then I’d still have to go
another time - I’d just be postponing dealing with all this, and how it’s
affecting my daughter, until then.
Instead of disappearing, though, Jessica pauses on the threshold - and
then steps inside, her head tilting to one side.
“Everything is okay…with Abbie…isn’t it?” Her voice is obviously
hesitant, but behind it the warmth on her face is obvious, the concern that
I’ve started seeing there…
I sigh again, running a hand through my hair.
“Yes, mostly.” I say, just in case she thinks there’s an emergency or
something, before admitting the real problem. “It’s just this trip in a couple
of weeks - the one to New York. She doesn’t want me to go, and I don’t
blame her. I’ve been away so often recently and she’s only little…”
I shake my head, trailing off. I’m dimly aware that at some point this
conversation switched from boss-and-secretary to something else, but I
don’t think about that. It’s a nice feeling to have someone I can talk to about
it - a little strange, and not something I’m used to, but for some reason, it’s
not hard to tell Jessica what’s going on. I don’t usually talk about Abbie - or
the things I’m struggling with - with anyone.
“I could try and rearrange those meetings—”
I shake my head before she can finish making the offer.
“That’s what I’ve spent the morning looking at - a way to get out of it
- but we can’t afford to do that. ExVenture can’t. We need those meetings -
and if they don’t happen in a couple of weeks, then they’d just have to
happen another time and I’d have the same problem all over again.”
Maybe this will get better next year, when she’s in school.
Except some part of me knows that it won’t. It’s the evenings and
nights I’m away for that bother her most. If she had someone else, if Ashley
was still here—
I try not to think about it. I might not have been particularly
interested for myself over the last few years, but I can’t count the number of
times I’ve considered trying to date again simply for Abbie’s sake. She
deserves to have someone else in her life who cares about her like I do - and
I can’t help the constant insecurity that whatever I do, she needs a Mom.
Maybe it’s not so obvious now, but what about later on - when she’s a
teenager? Or an adult? How am I ever going to have a clue what I should be
doing?
I’ve never been able to make myself do it, though - and if I did,
there’s too much risk I’d end up with someone more interested in my
money than my little girl. If anything, this damn lawsuit with Danielle just
proves that.
I can’t trust anyone. Not after Ashley.
It’s too obvious who I am and what I have, these days. How would I
ever know someone was interested for me? Or for Abbie?
“Kenneth?” Jessica’s voice interrupts the reverie, and I glance back at
her.
“Sorry. Just…too much stuff going on in my mind at the moment.
What was that?”
 She nods, her expression sympathetic. “I was just saying I’m sorry
about the trip - I don’t know how you do it, raising a little girl with all of
this to run too. It’s obvious how much you care for her, though. She’s a
lucky girl.”
Is she, though?
I’m about to voice that before I catch the wistful tone to her voice -
and I suddenly remember some of the things she told me, so long ago.
About her parents - all the hope and disappointment and resentment there.
The things she wished were different.
I get a stab of sympathy of my own, enough that I take her words to
heart, really considering them. Maybe she’s right - at least Abbie has me.
That’s better than no-one at all.
“Thanks.” I say instead, softly.
She nods, giving me a small smile, a hint of sadness behind it that
seems to go all the way through me.
“I’ll leave you to it, then. Unless you’d like another cup of coffee?”
“I—no, that’s okay.”
I’d like you to stay. I’d like to talk more - to see more of you.
But I don’t say it and by the time I’ve glanced up from the empty
coffee cup beside me, the door is already closed.
I stand up with a shake of my head, stretching my arms above me and
turning around to look at the view out of the full-length window.
I still don’t have an answer to what I’m going to do about this
business trip, or Abbie, but that’s not really what I’m thinking about as I
stand there, my mind distant.
I’m thinking about Jessica. About that look in her eyes. The sad
smile she gave me.
The way she cared enough to step out of her usual role and ask
directly about Abbie. She only spent that one week around her, and yet…it
was enough that she wanted to check everything is okay.
She’s a good person. Warm, caring, kind.
 She always has been. I remember that much.
Eventually, I turn back and make myself focus on the meetings I’ve
got for that afternoon - but that’s still there, at the back of my mind.
It’s not until much later that it turns into something more - a sudden
idea.
A way to make this business trip work.
I would have to talk to Abbie’s preschool, pull her out for another
week, but that’s not the part that’s going to be difficult.
What on earth will Jessica think?

* * *

“Can I talk to you for a few minutes?”

I pause at her desk on the way back from my meeting with the Head
of Operations and she looks up - immediately registering the request, in the
way I intended it. Personal, not professional.
“Of course.” She nods, but I don’t miss the wary glance she gives me
as she follows me into the office.
She’s probably worried I’m going to repeat the coffee suggestion -
for what, the third time?
I wish.
I lean against the desk instead of sitting behind it. This isn’t
something I can ask of her as her boss - and I want to make that clear.
“I had an idea for how I could make the business trip work, without
upsetting Abbie.”
“Ohh.” Her expression turns relieved and she gives me a smile.
“That’s great - what do you need me to do?”
I almost wish she hadn’t asked that. That’s what this is about - but
not quite as my secretary.
“Well…” I let out a slight laugh, giving her a wry smile. “Actually,
quite a lot. If you’d be up for it.”
 I continue before she can voice the confusion on her face.
“I can’t get around the meetings in New York - but I could take
Abbie with me. There’s no reason she can’t have a fun trip and then see me
every evening after the meetings and discussions are done.” I say, watching
her carefully and waiting for the moment she works it out. “But I’d need
someone to look after her during the day.”
“What do you mean—” She looks at me, a frown flickering across
her face. “You said you had a Nanny, right?”
I resist the urge to grimace. I had thought about Kara - she wasn’t the
first person I thought of, I’ll admit, even though she should have been - but
it had at least occurred to me. I just…didn’t see that working out very well.
“Kara hasn’t confirmed she’s available overnight for the whole of
that week at all yet.” I say slowly, trying to work out my reluctance as I do.
“I’m not sure she’d be willing to fly out to New York - or particularly suited
to looking after Abbie in a completely new city. If I’m honest, I’d feel a
little uneasy relying on her for something like this.”
I don’t say that I’d feel more comfortable with her doing so, but it
hovers there between us anyway, heavy and unspoken.
Jessica just looks back at me carefully, saying nothing, and I give a
little shrug as I lay out everything I’ve been thinking. The worst she can do
is say no, right?
“I thought it would work best if I take you to New York with me as
well. It would be helpful to have you there working alongside me on
anything that comes out of these meetings, as well as directly available
instead of handling my schedule from here.” I hold her gaze evenly, but I
can feel the air between us intensifying. I’m asking a lot, I know that. It’s
not entirely conventional or appropriate, but it does work, more than
anything else I’ve come up with. “And if you came too, I could ask if you’d
be willing to help with Abbie as well.”
Her eyes widen, even though she had to know where this was
leading, and my heart sinks as I wonder whether she’s offended by the
suggestion. She’s my secretary, not my Nanny, and I have no idea what she
thinks of me asking her to do this.
 “I know it’s not your usual role.” I continue quickly, before she can
react or start objecting before she’s had a chance to think about it. “And it’s
not a requirement - I’m just asking…as a favor, really, because I saw how
much Abbie enjoyed that week with you. I’d be happy to offer a triple-rate
bonus that week, of course, for the time away and the extra responsibility -
but this isn’t really about money. It’s about Abbie. I don’t want you to agree
unless you’re comfortable with the idea. It’s not…it’s not something you
have to do.”
I want to make that very clear. There’s no way this is a standard
business request.
My fingers are tapping on the desk in time with the words and I’m
surprised to notice the old fidgeting habit I thought I’d overcome years ago.
I stop them, even as I notice her shifting awkwardly in front of me.
“I—”
“You don’t have to answer right away.” I add, shaking my head. “Just
think about it for a few days, okay?”
Let me think that I might actually make this happen. That there might
be a chance…
She shakes her head and my heart sinks further. Damn it. Did I just
go through all that - the awkward explanation and everything about the
suggestion - for something that was never going to be possible?
Well, maybe Kara…you might not be totally comfortable, but
maybe…
“Yes, okay.” The quiet response jerks my head back to Jessica, who
doesn’t quite meet my eyes as she nods again. “I’ll do that.”
“I—really?”
“Yeah, I can do that.” Her quiet tone doesn’t change, before she
straightens slightly and nods toward the door. “I’ll make the arrangements
now.”
Before I can quite work out what just happened - and before I can
even acknowledge the comment - she’s slipped out of the office and
disappeared, and I’m left staring after her.
 I was hoping she’d say yes, of course, but I didn’t think it would
happen so easily.
Maybe after a few days.
Maybe with some intense discussion and a few conditions attached.
Huh. That’s…unexpected.
My gaze drifts over to where she’s already sat back at her desk - I
can’t see her face from this angle, but I’d guess she’s already tapping away
at the computer - and as it does, my mind drifts too. I can’t help but
wonder…
I shake off the thought before it even starts to form.
I can’t afford to be thinking that way. Not with Jessica coming with
me - and now Abbie - to New York.
That’s not what this was about, Kenneth.
It’s about Abbie.
That’s all that matters.
I suddenly realize I’ve actually done it - I’ve found a way to keep my
promise to my daughter - and I can’t hold back the slow smile that makes
its way across my face, all other thoughts disappearing.
Thank fucking god.
Well, almost all other thoughts. One lingers.
Thank you, Jessica.

OceanofPDF.com
 Chapter Nine
Jessica

I step out of Kenneth’s office with a strange, tingling feeling

spreading through my body, not at all sure what I just agreed to - or why.
All I know is I’m breathing hard, every nerve inside me is suddenly
lit up with something - and I don’t trust the part of me that just said ‘yes’ at
all.
Said yes without even thinking about it.
Before I’d had a chance to figure out what was going on.
The one that just knew I wanted to, even if I didn’t know why. Even
if it didn’t make any sense at all.
And, as much as I like her, I don’t think it was all about Abbie. What
Kenneth had said earlier about how upset she was about his trips had moved
me, of course they had, but…
But this is a bad idea. It’s not normal, not professional, not…not
anything you’re trying to do here. And you know it. You knew it the moment
he called you into his office to ‘discuss something’.
As much as I feel for Abbie, I’m not used to jumping into anything
without considering it properly first.
Which leaves Kenneth.
Kenneth.
I felt for him, too, of course -his predicament between his daughter
and his company, and how much he wanted to make it right.
I don’t think that’s what made me say yes, either. Not entirely.
These last couple of weeks, ever since he brought Abbie into work
with him, it’s been…different…working with him. I’ve tried not to think
about it, but even though I don’t want to, I keep seeing things in him.
Flashes that make me remember the past. Subtle signs of what a good man
he is, how hard he works and tries - for his family - even if some secret part
of me still wants to believe he’s a dick and I don’t like him.
 It’s getting harder and harder to hold onto that.
It’s getting harder and harder to deny the way he makes you feel.
Still. After all these years.
The slight butterflies when he walks past my desk. The way his gaze
lingers on my face a moment too long. The way my breath catches and I get
tingles deep inside as he makes some firm business decision, totally
unaware of just how powerful and sexy he looks in that moment.
God damn it.
When I took this job, I thought the difficult part was going to be
working with a man I spent years hating. Turns out, that was easy.
Working with a man I seem to secretly still have a crush on? Who
still makes my insides light up and reminds me of how long it’s been since I
last had sex?
Oh my fucking god.
Impossible.
I’m still trying to be professional, but there are moments when his
tone will lighten and some crazy mix of the past and present will collide
until my tongue loosens and I’m teasing him the way I always used to.
There are moments all that just slips out.
Like right fucking now.
Like agreeing to go on a week-long business trip with my boss and
his daughter. Even though it’s unprofessional. Unconventional.
Inappropriate and badly timed.
Just because I want to.
That’s what I’m really struggling with.
The simple reason I said yes: because I want to.
I shouldn’t want to - and even if I do…I haven’t made a rash decision
like that for a long time. They’re dangerous. They sneak past my guard…
and that’s when everything goes wrong.
But I want to.
 My body is still tingling from the way Kenneth was looking at me -
from the mixture of sweet concern, firm determination and sexy ruggedness
on his face. From the memory of his hands on my arms, his gaze on my
face…from when we were something more than a boss and secretary.
There, in that moment, we felt like more than boss and secretary
again. Just briefly.
It’s why I said yes.
And that scares me.
That scares me more than I think I can deal with right now.
I glance over at the office and bite my lip, but I know even as I
consider it that I’m not going to change my mind. I’m not going to walk in
there and dash his hopes of a solution to his work-and-daughter conflict.
Because part of you wants to go.
So you’re just going to have to deal, Jessica.
With the trip, with the consequences, and with the part of you that
wants to go regardless.

* * *

I spend the next week organizing everything.

I adjust our arrangements for New York, make sure our neighbor is
happy to feed Pan while I’m away, and I tell Gramps I’m going and I won’t
be able to visit for a week.
He’s excited for me, actually - enough that I remember there’s a good
reason for me to be excited, too, despite everything that’s going along with
this trip.
I’ve never been to New York before. I know a couple of people who
would love the opportunity to visit on an all-expenses-paid work trip, stay
in luxury five star hotels and go out to fancy restaurants. If I wasn’t so
nervous about the whole thing, that probably would have occurred to me
earlier.
 “You’ve never been a restless soul, Jessica.” Gramps says with a
small smile, as he reaches out to stroke my cheek, seeming to pick up on the
thought. “Always happiest at home and surrounded by your friends and
family when you were a kid. Not like…”
He hesitates, as if he didn’t realize he added that out loud.
“Not like Mom.” I finish the thought, knowing exactly where his
mind had been going.
He looks at me, then nods, squeezing my hand.
“Yeah, not like her.”
“I haven’t opened the letter yet.” I say, the words coming out before I
can think about it too much.
“Yet?” He asks, one eyebrow raising.
I flush slightly, shrugging. “Well, I guess I was probably always
going to…at some point.”
He nods again. “Loose ends can feel worse than knowing, one way or
the other. But take your time.”
“Well, I’ve got another week to think about it.” I give him a slight
smile.
There’s no way I’m taking it with me.
“Don’t do too much of that, Jessica - try to spend at least a little time
enjoying yourself.” He says, then smiles. “New York will be full of
distractions, at least. I want to hear all your stories when you get back.”
“I’m there to work.” I remind him. “I’m not sure how many stories
I’m going to come back with, Gramps.”
“Nonsense, that boss of yours can’t demand your every waking
moment. You’ll have time in the evenings, surely.”
He might not. His daughter, though…
“Maybe.” I answer, not saying that.
I haven’t mentioned anything about Abbie to Gramps. After his
previous concern about Kenneth and how appropriate it was for him to
bring his daughter to work, I have no idea how he’d take this.
 I don’t even know how to take it - or what exactly I’m doing - so it
seems better not to think about it too much at all.
Instead, we say goodbye with rather more excitement on his part than
mine. Unless the butterflies I’m feeling about the whole thing count as
excitement. They’re definitely something.
I know I’m going to miss Gramps for the week, too. He might not
seem bothered about my absence, but I’ve gotten used to seeing him
regularly again - and I’m just going to worry that something will happen if
I’m not here.
Which is stupid, since me being here wouldn’t change anything,
but…that doesn’t stop the feeling.
I ask myself why I agreed to any of this a dozen times over in that
week - but the moment the three of us are on the flight and heading to New
York, it’s obvious.
Abbie is enthusiastic and excited - enough that Kenneth has to calm
her down a little to avoid some of the wary, discontented looks we’re
getting from passengers around us.
At least she’s not screaming or having a massive tantrum.
I would’ve thought there were worse things to be around than an
excited child…but then I’ve never flown first class, either. From the looks
of it, there are a lot of high-class business people on this flight. I wonder
idly if any of them have kids, somehow doubting it as Kenneth quiets Abbie
down and sends me a mixed eye-roll-grin that makes me want to grin back.
He looks almost as excited as Abbie, despite the week of business
meetings, and their anticipation is starting to feel infectious.
The strange electric butterflies come back and I try to hunker down in
front of my laptop, ignoring them until they go away and focusing on the
arrangements for the week, double-checking I have everything covered.
Okay, triple-checking. Or maybe a few times more than that.
Yeah, I’m feeling kind of nervous, okay?
It’s just that it’s not the arrangements making me nervous.
 We arrive into New York in the late afternoon, with Kenneth’s
meetings scheduled to start the next day, and as Kenneth talks about all the
things Abbie and I can do in New York together, I have to try to ignore how
much this feels like we’re all on some sort of vacation together. Talk about
personal.
It’s not. You work for him and you’re just doing him a favor. That’s
all. Even if you have some ages-old crush going on.
I just don’t remember seeing him this animated about anything
business related.
Distracted by everything he’s saying, it’s not until we’re almost at the
hotel that he looks up with a frown.
“Wait, this isn’t the Crowne Plaza. Where—”
This time I’m the one that rolls my eyes - already slipping into the
less formal vibe that having Abbie around seems to create.
“I didn’t think a high class business hotel was really what Abbie was
looking for.”
He blinks, then glances back down to his daughter as I continue.
“I figured you could trade access to those meeting rooms you never
use for somewhere with more natural suites, child-friendly restaurants and
Central Park within walking distance.”
He laughs, giving me a rueful smile. “I didn’t think about that.”
“Mm.”
At least one of us does.
But I don’t say it. That is what I’m here for, after all.
“Good thing we’ve got Jessica to look after us, hey, Abbie?” He
winks at his daughter and she grins at me, nodding, even though I doubt she
understands what we’re talking about.
“Are you looking forward to spending the week exploring New York
with her?” He asks, his voice obviously encouraging as she nods along,
seeming distracted by everything she’s seeing out of the window.
 “We’ll have fun.” I smile at them both. “I’m looking forward to it,
too.”
My eyes meet Kenneth’s for a moment and I find myself fighting the
heat that wants to spread across my face.
However unconventional this might be, it’s true.
I’m looking forward to this week.

OceanofPDF.com
 Chapter Ten
Kenneth

The week in New York City goes better than I could have hoped for.
Jessica was right about the hotel - something I only fully appreciated
when Abbie’s squeals and yells of excitement fit in among the other
children and families around, instead of attracting disapproving looks from
sharply dressed businessmen.
Of course, the child-friendly restaurants and the suite she booked that
includes a separate living area and a kitchen of its own are a bonus too. It’s
about as close as it could get to a real apartment, but with all of the luxuries
and conveniences of a hotel - just about the best option possible for Abbie. I
have no idea how much I’m paying for it all, but I couldn’t care less.
Most of my meetings run on until late and extend into business
dinners, so I don’t see as much of Jessica and Abbie as I’d like, but every
time I do see my little girl, she can’t stop telling me about everything she’s
doing and all the fun she’s having. I brought her along so she wouldn’t
spend the whole week without me, but with everything Jessica is doing with
her and how alternately excited and exhausted she spends the whole week, I
can’t help wonder whether she’d even notice if she didn’t see me at all.
Seeing how well they’re getting on is enough to warm something
deep inside me, though, and I couldn’t ask for more.
I make an effort to get back in time to read her a story and tuck her
up in bed at least once during the week, but mostly, I see them both at
breakfast and for the occasional mornings I manage to sneak away and join
them in Central Park.
Those mornings that I can spend with Abbie, I would have expected
Jessica to take a break - but for some reason, we all end up going out
together.
I don’t say anything about it, but that’s the best part of the whole
week for me. It says something that even after so much time looking after
Abbie, Jessica would still choose to join us when I do manage to get the
morning off.
We have the best time, too, the three of us.
And I know it’s stupid to think it - but it almost feels like…what I
imagine being a family would feel like.
Me, Jessica and my little girl.
On vacation.
It’s not - I know that. This isn’t a vacation and we’re not actually a
family, of course, but…well, maybe I indulge in the thought a little bit.
Sometimes you need a few fantasies to get you through reality.
That illusion is only broken on those brief occasions that Jessica
starts a discussion about work. I don’t stop her - if that’s how she wants to
justify coming along with us both, I’m not going to object. I don’t tell her
that in those moments, even our work conversations feel more like a
partnership than anything else. Being her boss is the last thing I’m thinking
about.
The night before we leave New York, I’m late coming back to the
hotel - and annoyed about it, too. I’d been hoping to make it to dinner with
Jessica and Abbie for our last night, but I should have guessed that the
investors I was seeing today would want to take me out. I couldn’t easily
refuse without offending anyone, even if an evening with Jessica and Abbie
seemed a lot more appealing, so I reluctantly sent Jessica a text to let her to
go ahead without me - which was already much later than Abbie usually
eats.
Even so, I’d been planning to leave early enough that I could read her
a story before bed - but that didn’t work out, either. These things always
seem to go on later than I intend, and as I walk into the hotel room at 10pm,
I feel guilty.
“Hey.” Jessica says softly, walking over from the couch as she hears
the door click closed.
I glance toward the room Abbie’s been sleeping in, matching her
quiet tone. “Is she in bed?”
 “She tried to wait up, but…”
I nod, sighing as I move past toward the living area.
“I’m sorry. It went on later than I thought it would.” I glance over my
shoulder. “Thanks for putting her down for the night.”
Jessica nods, her face looking soft and sweet in the muted light.
“That’s okay. I’m sorry you couldn’t join us.”
The way she’s looking at me, it feels like she somehow knows how
much I wanted to.
I let out another long breath, pulling out a bottle of wine from the
mini-fridge and raising it toward her in suggestion. “Do you want a glass?”
She hesitates and I give her a wry smile. “I wanted to say thank you
for this week at dinner, but…”
“Yeah, okay then.”
I pour us both a glass, handing one over before going to sit down on
the couch, taking a sip and shaking my head. I’d avoided alcohol at dinner
because that wasn’t how I wanted to come home to Abbie, but now? I’m
disappointed enough that I could do with it mellowing me out.
“Abbie didn’t mind.” Jessica says, obviously trying to be helpful as
she comes to sit on the other couch. “She’ll be excited to see you tomorrow
morning, but she was pretty tired out tonight from the Aquarium.”
“That’s not the…” I sigh, running a hand through my hair and staring
off into the lights of the city set behind her. “It feels like I’m always doing
this. I spend my whole time trying, but it never quite works out. What does
it matter what I plan to do if, in the end, I’m not actually around?”
I’m not really asking Jessica - but the thoughts spill out anyway,
having cluttered up my mind for too long with nowhere else to go.
“You brought her with you.” Jessica responds anyway. “And she’s
had a wonderful time - it’s made all the difference to her, getting to come
with you for this trip.”
“Because of you.” I say, my eyes flicking back to her face and the
warm, caring expression there. “She’s had a wonderful time because of
everything you’ve done.”
 Jessica shrugs, glancing away and I lean back in the couch, taking
another sip of my wine.
“It always feels like I do everything I can, even knowing it’s never
going to be enough. She needs more, Jessica, more than I can give her and I
don’t know…”
I trail off. As much as the words feel like they’re burning up in my
mind and boiling in the back of my throat, this isn’t Jessica’s problem. It’s
not fair to burden her with it. This was meant to be about me thanking her,
damn it.
“From what I can see, you’re doing an amazing job, Kenneth.” She
replies anyway, her voice encouraging and sincere in a way that affects me
more than I want to admit.
When was the last time anyone ever tried to give me some
reassurance? I never thought I needed it, of course, but…
“She’s happy. I know it’s hard - I can see that - but whatever you’re
doing, Abbie is a brilliant little girl who seems to be happy and healthy. You
can’t get much better than that.” She shakes her head. “I’ll admit, I don’t
know how you cope with trying to balance it all, but whatever you’re doing
does seem to work.”
“I’m not sure I am. Coping, that is.” I say quietly, looking away. I’m
not going to contradict what she’s saying, when she’s obviously trying so
hard to be nice, but…I can’t say I believe it, either. “Sorry. I didn’t mean—
well, any of this.”
I stand up, giving her a regretful smile as I take a couple of steps over
to the bar area at the side. I finish my glass of wine and set it down before
turning back to her.
“All I really wanted to do was thank you for the week - I’m not sure
how to say how much of a difference it’s made to Abbie, but really…you
didn’t have to come.” I look back at her, my eyes catching on her
compassionate gaze as I try not to notice the way my heart stutters in
response, especially when I think of everything she’s done for Abbie. “I
can’t say how glad I am that you did.”
 She stands up as well, her glass abandoned on the coffee table as she
steps closer to me.
“I wanted to.” She repeats, and the way she’s looking at me right
now, I actually believe it. “She’s a wonderful girl.”
“She is.” I agree easily. “She deserves more.”
“It seems like she has an awful lot from where I’m standing,
Kenneth. You shouldn’t be so hard on yourself.”
“It’s just…it’s not what I wanted for her, Jessica.” I say, feeling
strange as I realize I’m confiding in her in a way I haven’t done with
anyone since Ashley left. “I never wanted her to be raised by Nannies, with
her parents too busy to be around for her. She’s got all the stuff she might
want, but what about the important things? I didn’t want…her to only have
me. I didn’t want to raise her alone.”
That’s the crux of it. Everything else - sure, she has my love and
devotion in every way I can possibly show it, I won’t deny that, but…I’m
still only one person, and I have a crazy job to go along with it.
She should have a Mom. Someone else to love her and raise her.
Someone who can be around when I can’t, and share it all with me.
“What happened?” Jessica asks quietly, her eyes locking with mine.
She’s standing a pace away, but it doesn’t feel like that - she feels
right next to me, my skin heating from her gaze.
“With Ashley?” I ask, even though I have no idea whether Jessica has
heard that name before.
She nods anyway.
“She left me.” I say simply, then shrug. “She said I was too
demanding, too cold, too focused on my job and the life we had together
wasn’t the one she’d expected - or wanted.”
Jessica is just looking calmly back at me, and something about the
way she’s listening, so focused and intent, makes it easy to continue, to say
what’s been on my mind for all these years.
“She might even have been right about all that, I don’t know. I could
have forgiven her for it - but not for leaving Abbie, too. I’d thought if the
‘family life’ we had together wasn’t what she’d wanted, she would at least
still want some kind of it - that she’d want to be a part of Abbie’s life.
But…” I shake my head. “It didn’t seem to work out that way. She visits,
occasionally, she writes letters and turns up when it suits her, but…she’s not
involved. Not the way she should be. She doesn’t seem to want to be. I’ve
tried to talk about it with her, despite how things ended between us, but she
flat out ignores me. As far as I can tell, when she left me, she wanted a
fresh start completely - without being tied down by the kid she had with a
man she obviously regrets.”
I try not to sound bitter about that, but I can’t help it. It’s not that I
mind that she regrets our relationship - if I’m honest, I do too - it’s that she
seems to regret Abbie, and I can’t stand the idea of that at all.
Jessica reaches out and catches my hand, stepping closer, and I look
up at her in surprise, but I hold on tight, squeezing it back as I give her a
little smile of appreciation.
“If you want to know what I really think…” I start, then stop.
Those are the things I don’t say to anyone. The cynical thoughts that
I try not to acknowledge. Partly because it’s painful, and partly because I’m
better than that. Ashley may be my ex, but she’s the mother of my child too.
I’ve been very careful not to criticize her to other people.
“What do you think?” Jessica asks softly, and there’s something
about that voice that draws me in, that reminds me of the time I could tell
her anything.
At the edge of my mind, I wonder whether it should feel strange to be
talking about my ex-wife with another ex, but that’s not how this feels. Not
at all.
It’s enough that this time, I do come out and say it, some part of me
trusting Jessica with the harsher, less forgiving part of myself.
“When I’m not feeling particularly generous, I wonder whether the
‘life she’d expected’ was more about my fortune than attitude - whether she
found me too ‘demanding’ because I tried to insist that she was around for
Abbie. I didn’t want my daughter raised by the army of Nannies she was
looking to employ, while she went off and enjoyed the spa days and
shopping trips she was used to.” I admit, feeling strange to finally say it out
loud, before giving a short, bitter laugh. “Only that’s what happened
anyway, in the end - she’s enjoying her settlement and Abbie is being raised
by Nannies every day, while I’m working. I’m not doing raising her any
better by myself than Ashley would have done if she’d had her way.”
I shake my head. It’s an irony that I’ve been aware of for years, but
perversely, it feels good to finally say it out loud - to share it with someone
else.
“That’s not the same.” Jessica interrupts, before I can think it, and I
meet her determined gaze. I forget that about her, sometimes, with how
warm and caring she can be.
“It’s not.” I agree. “And I wouldn’t change the outcome, not really.
At least I’m trying to avoid having other people raise Abbie, even if I’m not
doing a great job of it. I mean, sure, sometimes I wonder if it would have
been better to take the end result I’ve got now, but with Abbie’s Mom
actually around for her, but…I’m not sure how much more of the arguing
and resentment either of us could have taken - and that wouldn’t have been
good for Abbie either. We weren’t good for each other, in the end. I only
wish I’d worked that out sooner.”
“I know. Life would be better if we could do it in hindsight.” Jessica
gives me a sympathetic smile and I return it, squeezing her hand again.
“Yeah. I know that feeling.” I shake my head. “It’s why I’ve been so
reluctant to bring anyone else into Abbie’s life - even though I think she
needs someone. I’ve thought about it, but I can’t bring myself to try…not
when I can’t know. I don’t trust my judgment, not after Ashley, and I can’t
afford to get it wrong. Especially as I’ve become more…visible. Too many
people are just looking for money—I mean, hell, that fucked up lawsuit is
proof enough of that, looks like I attract gold-diggers despite swearing off
relationships.”
I stop myself, suddenly feeling weird talking about it. Talking about
Ashley with Jessica was one thing - but my screwed up love life? Not that I
have one. All I have is a mess of paranoia and a burning need for something
I can’t reach.
 “So Abbie doesn’t have anyone else.” I say, bringing it back to the
only point that actually matters. “And no matter how much I think about it,
that’s not something I can fix.
“She has you…” Jessica murmurs, stepping closer, her deep brown
eyes holding mine with a warmth that transfixes me. “That’s what matters,
Kenneth. That’s who she wants.”
Somehow, when she says ‘who she wants’ my mind drifts away from
Abbie completely. I can’t stop looking at Jessica, her hand warm in mine
and her skin so very soft where I’m touching it. I tug on that hand, almost
instinctively, but I barely need to before she’s right in front of me, her head
tilting up toward me.
I don’t think as mine comes down to meet her, my mouth brushing
those full, gorgeous lips as I’ve imagined so many times in the last few
weeks. It’s just a light touch, almost nothing at all, but it becomes more
almost instantly. I’m not sure who presses forward first, but in the next
moment, our mouths are moving against each other - warm and intent, the
softness of her lips feeling divine against mine as my other hand comes up
to cup the back of her neck, pulling her into me.
She shifts forward at the same moment, her body pressing up against
me as our mouths open, the kiss deepening until I’m tasting her, hot and
sweet and eager. Lust that I’ve barely let myself feel floods through my
body as we grind up against each other, weeks of pent-up need and desire
that have finally been released.
It’s perfect.
It’s better than I ever could have imagined.
Everything I remember - and so much more.
Jessica.
Oh my god—
She jerks back in the next moment, stumbling away from me as she
gasps, looking back at me with something closer to horror than the ecstasy
rushing through my veins.
 “I can’t do this—” She chokes out, shaking her head once, hard. “I
can’t—not again.”
Before I can react to the sudden shift in everything, she backs away -
then turns, almost running for the door.
“I—what—”
I stand there as my mind struggles to process the sudden kissing, the
fire in my veins and how, for a brief moment, it was like everything I’d
been missing was suddenly right there - and then the rejection, the
disappearance of it all the very next second.
By the time I can think again, I’m already at the door.
Wanting - needing - to go after her.
To talk.
No, not really to talk.
To kiss. To finish what we were about to start.
What we started years ago.
To show her ‘yes, again’ in any way I have to.
It’s only with my hand on the door that I pause, glancing back.
Abbie.
My little girl sleeping totally unaware in a room just past the living
area.
Jessica’s room is only just down the corridor, I wouldn’t be leaving
her for more than a few moments, just long enough for—
For what?
I lean forward, my forehead dropping to the door in front of me as
everything else in my life suddenly swamps me - not enough to diminish
the desire pounding through me, but enough to make me stop.
The complications.
Abbie. ExVenture. Our jobs.
More than that, too.
Jessica’s words. The horror in her expression.
 Not again.
All the history between us, the past we haven’t talked about…
What can I say, in the face of all that? What can I tell her?
When I have Abbie to think about, my company, all these
responsibilities.
I’m not seventeen anymore. I can’t go chasing the girl who drives me
crazy on a whim, on a lust-fueled need, with only vague hope and unspoken
potential to sustain us. It’s not like it was back then. It’s not just about me -
or us.
And look how all those teenage hopes and dreams worked out in the
end. They’re never going to be enough again.
“God damn it.”
I slam the palm of my hand into the door, frustration and need
twisting through me as I turn away - the bitter tang of disappointment
following me back into my own suite.
Into my own bed.
Where thoughts and images of what just happened - how it all felt -
flash through my mind, consuming me totally.

OceanofPDF.com
 Chapter Eleven
Jessica

After that night, I don’t see much of Kenneth before we get home.
I’m not sure whether it’s deliberate - whether we’re avoiding each
other or not - but I can’t help feeling relieved.
My head is a mess. My emotions are all over the place and right now,
it’s all I can do just to make it through the last day of this trip and get back
home.
To the weekend. To distance and space and time.
A chance to sort through what happened last night - and what the hell
I can do now.
The few interactions we do have - the taxi to the airport followed by
the flight home - I let him spend time with Abbie and try to distract myself
with other things.
While I was away with them this week, I almost felt like I was a part
of that sweet relationship - bantering along with them, looking after Abbie
and being a part of all the excited things she’d tell her Daddy, while
enjoying some of the connection it gave me with him - and I’m not going to
lie, I had a great time with it.
But that was when I was just helping out. Now, after kissing Kenneth
last night…being part of that is totally different.
And definitely not something I can risk.
Even if I do feel reluctant as I try to focus on other things, separating
myself from what Kenneth is doing with Abbie.
Because of Abbie. That’s why you’re reluctant. After spending so
much time with her, you’re going to miss that little girl.
I tell myself that, and it’s true. I’m just not sure it’s the whole truth.
By the time we part in Springfield, I feel awkward and uncertain and
confused enough - and totally unable to say anything to Kenneth while
Abbie is right there - that I can’t wait to get back home and away from him.
 Not that I have any idea what I would have said to him, if I could
have.
But I’m sure if his daughter hadn’t been there, something would have
come out, one way or the other.
All these whirling emotions feel crazy enough that I’m not sure I
have any control over them at all.
I walk in the door to a streak of black darting over towards me - and
I’ve never been more glad to see Pan in my life.
“Ohh, Pan!”
I pick him up as he tries to wind himself around my legs, meowing
for attention, and cuddle him against my chest.
“Oh, god, Pan, what have I done?”
I think he’s slightly startled to be straight in my arms, but I hold him
to me and stroke him anyway, not even bothering to take my coat off as I
maneuver us over to the couch and flop down on it.
The place I’ve wanted to be all day.
He fidgets on my lap, butting his head against me, and I scratch his
ears as I cover my eyes with the other hand.
“What were we thinking?” I whisper to him, as everything about last
night - everything I’ve tried to push away - comes straight back to me.
He walks a circle around on my lap before flopping down and curling
up in a ball, for once not fussing me for food the moment I see him.
“Did Mandy overfeed you again?” I murmur idly, still stroking his
head.
From the purring, I assume the answer is ‘yes’. Pan has always been
very good at convincing our neighbor that he’s half-starved.
“That’s okay.” I say softly, more grateful than I want to admit for the
soft warmth and companionship right now. “Love you, Pan.”
The purring is more than enough of a response and I sigh as I let my
head sink into the back of the couch, the confusion overwhelming me.
 Every time I close my eyes, it feels like I see Kenneth standing right
there in front of me - the boy I remember, and the man that’s slowly filling
in those memories with something else.
Looking at me. Touching me. Kissing me.
Telling me things I never would’ve expected him to share.
Showing me…himself. Opening up like that…
Kissing me.
Oh, god, kissing me.
I haven’t been kissed like that in years.
Maybe not ever, not even…before.
The chemistry, the emotion, the sudden raging desire…all of it, just
impossible.
I moan softly and Pan cocks his head at me, before both eyes shut
again.
I went to sleep dreaming of that kiss. Of that - and more. Of what
would have come next.
The feeling of his arms around me, our bodies pressed together, how
hard and perfect his felt against me. How much I wanted him - so much it
terrified me.
Still terrifies me.
I can’t. I know I can’t. For a million reasons, I can’t.
But I want to.
Which is the most dangerous part of all of this.
I try to remind myself why I shouldn’t want to - all the reasons I have
to resent him - but instead of the familiar fire and anger, it just makes me
sad.
He broke my heart once. I can’t risk letting him do it again.
And I’m scared that if that kiss had gone on any longer - if I’d spent
any longer with him and his daughter - I would have been very much at risk
of my heart getting involved.
 It always does that. However much you try to guard it, it seems to
jump in without thought, whatever you do.
It’s stupid. It was a kiss. This shouldn’t be about your heart at all.
But…it was a kiss with the boy I used to love.
My one real love. The only one that ever affected me.
“Damn it, Pan. God damn it.”
I fight the memories that want to wash over me. The relationship that
had seemed so perfect, so unbelievable and blissful - until it ended, out of
nowhere.
The total devastation it wrought in my life.
The hesitation I felt in every other relationship I’ve ever been in - the
unwillingness to trust that anything could be real.
He broke my heart once, back when life was simple and we could
have done a million things to make it work. He chose a fresh start and an
exciting new life over what we had.
So, now? When life is hard and complex and he already has a dozen
different responsibilities?
How do you think that one’s going to end, Jessica?
However much I keep dreaming of his touch, keep looking at him
and imagining what could be - what could have been - I can’t trust him. I
trusted him back then, and I shouldn’t have.
I can’t make the same mistake again.
So stop damn wanting to.
“How can I, when I see him every day?” I whisper to Pan, scratching
his ears as he drifts off to sleep. “When all I can think about is…”
I don’t say it. Not out loud.
I’m sure Pan doesn’t want to hear - and I can’t afford to say it.
To bring those images to life. To have the desire that’s still there,
unfulfilled and demanding, flare back to the front of my consciousness.
For the first time, I seriously think about giving up the job.
 It’s not working with the ex who broke my heart - or even the boss I
accidentally kissed. We can get over that, I’m sure, even if it would be
awkward.
It’s working with the man who does this to me. Who makes me want
him. Fantasize about him.
He’s kissed me once. If it happens again…will I have the strength to
stop him?
Do I even want to?
“I can’t trust myself around him, Pan. Not anymore.” I tell my
mostly-asleep cat, feeling restless.
I want to get up and pace, but after he was loyal enough to lie down
and comfort me, I can’t bring myself to disturb him. So instead I fidget on
the couch and face the idea that I might have to stop working with Kenneth.
“He’d let me ask for a transfer.” I say, half thinking out loud and half
talking to Pan. “He’s decent enough for that. He might even want it
himself.”
That thought stings, but I don’t let myself dwell on it. He’s perfectly
entitled to feel like this is all too hard, too.
“I could work for someone else. The bump in pay for being the
CEO’s secretary was nice, but I was doing okay before. It wasn’t too hard,
scrimping a bit.” I say, but for some reason hearing the justification out loud
just makes me feel worse.
If you transfer, you won’t see Kenneth anymore. You won’t get to be
around him all day.
Can I live with that? Can I give that up?
“Oh, fuck.” I mutter. “You’re so totally screwed, Jessica. How do you
always manage to screw up—”
My cell rings, totally startling me out of my confused trail of
thoughts and I scramble around for it, upsetting Pan as he meows at me and
springs off my lap.
“I’m coming.” I mutter as I walk toward the bag I left in the hall, my
mind still on Kenneth.
 “Miss Reynolds?” The voice on the other end is familiar, but upset,
and I can’t quite place— “Jessica?”
Angela. The care home.
“Angela - is everything okay? Did something—”
“I—I’m really sorry, dear, I’ve been trying to get hold of you—”
“I was on a flight.” I say, cursing that fact as panic rushes through
me. “What’s happened?”
“Thomas had another stroke earlier today - he’s in hospital and we
haven’t heard anything but—well, I’m sure they would have called you, but
I wanted you to know—”
“Oh god. Oh no. Ohh…” I close my eyes, my breath stalling as I
clutch the phone to my ear.
“I’m sorry, sweetie. I don’t know anything else, but we caught it
early, I know that—”
“Yes. Okay yes, thank you. Thank you for calling. I—I’ve got to go.”
I click the phone off, belatedly noticing the missed calls and
voicemail that I never checked when I came in, too shocked and scared to
feel rude about ending the call as I rush to grab my coat and bag. I almost
forget the car keys as I rush out of the door, trying to hold back the tears -
trying to hold back everything until I know exactly what’s going on.
It doesn’t stop me fearing the worst as I rush to hospital. She said
they caught it early, but I still don’t know what that means - what might
have happened.
You should have checked. You should have known. Too distracted by
your own silly problems to even think…
Every worst-case scenario flickers through my mind as I drive and I
feel like I’m being hollowed out from the inside as I walk into the
emergency room, the same way I did all those months ago.
The first time.
Not again. Please not again. I can’t…I don’t know…
 I tell them who I am and who I’m looking for in a daze, waiting as it
seems to take them forever to bring up the information - and then they want
me to confirm a dozen different insurance details that the care home already
filled in.
In the middle of it all, an almost distant thought occurs to me. I can’t
afford that pay cut now. Not with these bills to pay too. Not with the risk
Gramps might get worse. I’m going to have to stay working for Kenneth…
I don’t even process it, though, I just want to get to him. I want to
stop filling out stupid forms and see him. I struggle not to scream at them to
at least tell me something - but it’s not like they even know.
“Is he alright? Just tell me whether he’s alright.”
Instead, they give me directions to the ward he’s on and I have to
force myself not to run down the halls.
When I finally get to the right place and they lead me to his room,
I’m almost hesitant to ask again - because they know, because if it’s not
good, if the answer—
“Is he alright?” I breathe, barely hearing myself, but needing to get it
out.
Needing to know, one way or the other.
“He’s stable.” The nurse leading me to the cubicle murmurs, looking
at me. “I can’t tell you much more than that - I’ll ask the doctor to come and
talk to you.”
I don’t like the sound of that, even though I tell myself it’s just
procedure.
He’s stable. That’s something, isn’t it?
She lets me in and I rush over to his side, a conflicting mix of
desperation and caution filling me.
“Gramps.” I murmur, reaching out for his hand as my eyes run over
him. “Ohh, Gramps, what’s happened…”
I have to take a shaky breath and stop myself, not quite trusting my
voice.
He looks…worse.
 There’s no other way to put it.
His body is covered by the sheets and gown he’s wearing, but his
face…one half of it is obviously more slack than the other, drooping
slightly - and I can’t help my fear when I see it.
How bad was this?
“Ohh please, Gramps. Don’t leave me, too. You can’t leave me…”
Part of me hates that I’m making it about me, but I can’t help it. I’m
scared not just for him, but for me too. I don’t know how I’d cope, what I’d
do, he’s the only one I have…
“Please…please be okay…”
I keep talking to him, keep whispering, sitting beside him and
pouring all my energy into wishing and wanting for him to get better.
Hoping it might help. Feeling pathetic and helpless that it’s all I can do.
He doesn’t wake up while I’m doing it - and by the time the doctor
comes around, I’m almost too scared to ask him to tell me.
Unable to bring myself to ask the question, I just look at him, feeling
totally wretched.
“I’m Jack Ferns, one of the doctors looking after Thomas.” He says
softly. “And you’re…?”
“Jess—Jessica Reynolds. His granddaughter.” I supply, even though I
suspect he already knows. “I—I—is he—what—what—?”
I don’t quite get it all out. It feels hard enough to say that much.
“He had a stroke.” Jack says, his sympathy obvious. I guess I look
that bad myself. “He’s stable now and he’s going to be alright, but we’re not
sure how much damage it might have done. He was brought in in the early
stages, which helps, but since it’s his second stroke, we’re going to have to
wait and see to work out the full impact.”
“It…it looks worse than…than the first one.” I say, hoping he’ll
contradict me.
He gives a slow nod, confirming my fears. “It was - but the first was
fairly minor, as strokes go. There’s a good chance he’ll make a good
recovery, but we can’t know for certain yet. I’m sorry I can’t tell you more.”
 I nod, biting my lip and rocking slightly in the chair, trying
desperately not to burst into tears right in front of him. I try to tell myself I
need to be strong - I need to be here for Gramps - but it’s hard. He’s always
been the one to be there for me. Even after the first stroke, by the time I got
to Springfield he was still looking at me with that sparkle in his eyes telling
me he’d had a little mishap but he’d sort it out in no time.
I might not have believed him, not entirely, but it still made me feel
better.
Now…
I look back at him with my heart in my throat.
The doctor says something about being around later if I have any
more questions, but I barely hear him as he leaves, all of my attention on
my grandfather lying in bed in front of me, looking so weak.
Some background part of me is sure I must have a dozen questions,
but I have no idea what they are right now. Except the most important one,
the one that repeats again and again without an answer:
Will he be okay?
“It’s going to be okay, Gramps.” I tell him, since he can’t tell me.
“I’m just going to have to be the strong one now - you’re going to have to
let me look after you for a while. You’re not going to like that, but you’ll do
it anyway. It’s going to be okay. I’m going to make it okay, I promise.”
I hold back the tears and sobs that want to rock through me, telling
myself I have to be strong. I have to deal with this. For him. The way he
always has for me.
None of that’s what’s important right now - the only thing is Gramps.
Whatever it takes for him to make a full recovery.
I stay with him for as long as they let me - and he seems to drift in
and out, seeming tired and confused whenever he wakes up. He notices me
there, that’s obvious, his good left eye fixing on me more than a couple of
times. But his words are slurred and jumbled when he tries to speak and I
can read the frustration and fear in his face, before it slackens and he drifts
back to sleep.
 I try to tell him what’s going on - as much as I can - but I know it
isn’t enough. I try to answer all the questions I know he probably wants to
ask, but it’s hard to hold back the fear that he doesn’t quite seem able to ask
them. I’ve read all about strokes - all about the symptoms - and this was the
one I feared the most.
Not being able to talk is probably the worst thing that could happen
to him. He has such strong opinions, such a strong mind…the thought of it
being trapped inside him, that terrifies me. I can’t even imagine how it
makes him feel.
All I can do is pray that it will get better, though. I know it can. How
it looks right now, this initial view, that doesn’t mean that’s how it’s going
to be. It always looks worse at first. I try to remind myself that, but it’s so
hard watching him struggle with it, before giving into the exhaustion again.
I just want him to be okay.
It’s not until they finally insist I have to leave - and I come home
with a mess of emotions threatening to overwhelm me - that I finally lose
the battle with the fear.
I curl up on the couch, pull a blanket over me and stare numbly into
the darkness. It’s past midnight, I haven’t even turned the light on, I have no
idea where Pan is - and I can’t remember the last time I felt so alone or
desolate.
Gramps. Oh, god, my poor Gramps. What are we going to do?
I want to be back there with him already. I feel as exhausted as he
looked when I left him, but I don’t care. I’d rather be curled up on a chair
next to him than anywhere else. The last place I want to be is the house that
he raised me in. All alone.
I can’t stand being so alone - feeling it in every part of my body.
The fear of losing him, of everyone in my life slowly slipping away
from me until I have nothing left, no one that really cares for me…it’s all
too much.
It’s overwhelming.
 I can’t beat the swarm of emotions that seem to tear through me. I
can’t stop the confusion or hurt or pain of it all.
Stupidly, desperately, acting on childlike instinct more than any real
thought - I find myself stumbling over to the cabinet at the edge of the
room.
Even in the dark, I find the drawer immediately. Pull it open.
Take out the letter inside.
I can’t see it, but I run my fingers over the edge anyway.
It’s stupid, I know it’s stupid, but I cling to it the way I used to cling
to these letters in the past.
To the idea that she cared.
I take it back to the couch and stare at the vague outline of it in my
hands. I have no idea how long I stay that way for, but even as I know this
is a bad idea, this is the wrong time, the wrong reason…I feel something
inside me calling out for it, desperate.
I flick on the lamp beside me before I let myself think about what
I’m doing, my eyes squinting in the sudden light.
I curl up further into the couch and wish Pan was here beside me,
even while I’m secretly glad he’s not. I’m not sure I can take even my cat
watching this moment.
I squeeze my eyes tight shut and rip open the top of the envelope,
pulling out the folded page inside.
Not a card, then. A letter.
It takes another few moments before I can bring myself to open my
eyes, my aching heart feeling like it’s balled up in a tight knot in my chest,
just ready for a last reason to shrink and fade away forever.
The instant I do, my eyes skim over the letter - not even able to read
it properly, just looking for the answer to the question I’ve had ever since it
arrived.
What is this? What do you want?
 It takes a minute, my heart in my throat the whole time, before my
eyes can finally focus enough to snag on the part I’ve been hoping-and-
fearing to see.

‘It’s been a long time, Jessica. Too long, I know that. There’s nothing
I can say that can make up for the past twenty-eight years - no apology I
can give for my absence. But for what it’s worth, I am sorry. Truly, deeply
sorry. And if you’ll let me, I’ll try anyway, and hope that one day you can
forgive me. I don’t know where you are or what you’re doing now, but I’m
back in St. Louis and if you’re willing, I’d like to see you, or talk to you
somehow. It’s too late to say it, but I promise if you give me a chance, this
time I won’t let you down. Text me, or call me, or whatever you want -
whatever happens, I promise this will all be on your terms. I love you, I
always have, I just didn’t know how to be the Mom you needed.
- Mom’

A drop splashes onto the page, blurring the ink a little before it falls
from my hands.
I don’t see where it lands, my vision suddenly blurry and unreliable -
and I don’t reach for it as I curl into myself even further, burying myself
under the blanket the same way I did when I was five, as I finally can’t hold
back the sobs anymore.
I don’t even know what I’m crying for - maybe all of it - maybe for
Kenneth and Gramps and my Mom and…and…the hurt little girl that still
lives deep inside of me.
It just all suddenly comes out, every difficult, confused emotion that I
don’t know what to do with overwhelming me and driving me breathless
and shuddering.
I’m not even able to process what she wrote.
To work out whether it’s what I wanted, or what I want to do about it.
I don’t feel happy or relieved to finally hear words that I’ve always
wanted. I don’t feel resentful and angry that it took this long.
 I just feel emotional, wild and out of control and unable to deal with
any of it.
I can’t think anymore.
It’s too much.
It’s all too much.
I don’t even try to.
I just lie there and finally let myself sob, one heartbreak after another
rocking through me until I’m not sure I have anything left to give.
I just lie there.
And cry.

OceanofPDF.com
 Chapter Twelve
Kenneth

After a weekend of longing, with that kiss replaying over and over in
my mind, I come in to find Jessica isn’t at work.
I’m early - and part of me was hoping she might be, too. Even though
I think I know nothing will come of it, I want to talk to her. To see her.
Just…anything.
That last day coming home from New York felt strange, and slightly
wrong, and whatever happens, I want to fix that much at least.
Except she doesn’t come in early - and half an hour before she’s
meant to arrive, I get a text.
‘I need to take a few days off. It’s not about what happened in New
York.’
That’s it. Nothing else, no explanation, and unease coils through me.
I send back an immediate - ‘Are you okay?’ - and get nothing in
response.
It feels like I spend most of the day waiting for it anyway, grabbing
my phone whenever it goes off, insisting on keeping on full volume in my
meetings that day - just in case Jessica does reply. Just in case there’s
something wrong and she needs help.
But no, nothing - and all that does is leave me thinking too much.
Her message said it wasn’t about New York, but her silence still
makes me wonder.
If it’s not about that, why hasn’t she said what it is about? Why
haven’t I heard anything else from her?
There’s an uncomfortable pit in my gut at the idea she might feel
unable to face me, or work together, after our kiss.
That’s the last thing I want.
 Not just because she’s a damn good secretary and I can’t imagine
trying to find someone to replace her - in fact, if I’m honest, probably not
because of that at all.
I just don’t want her to stop being around.
Selfish, stupid, maybe. But it’s true.
You’re so screwed, Kenneth. This whole thing is so messed up, and—
My desk phone brings me out of the reverie and I look at it half-
suspiciously. I had no idea how many calls Jessica must filter through me
until they started coming through directly in her absence. I didn’t bother to
ask Tyler for a temporary secretary - for some reason, the idea depressed
me.
After a moment I pick it up, with a cautious greeting.
“Hello?”
“Kenneth.” Patrick’s voice comes through as clear as ever. “Do you
have a moment? I need to talk to you.”
My lawyer. A valid call, at least, but that doesn’t mean it’s one I’m
glad to take.
“Um…yes.” I say slowly, clicking through my calendar to check.
I’ve been late to two meetings already today.
“Good. I wanted to give you a quick update on how the lawsuit is
progressing.”
I nod, even though he can’t see me. He continues, not needing the
acknowledgment anyway.
“We’ve been given a date in court - it’s scheduled for two months
from now.”
“Okay, good.”
There’s a long pause, and I get the impression this wasn’t meant to be
‘good’ news.
“Kenneth.” He says slowly. “That date was requested by Danielle’s
lawyers - I think they’re looking to put pressure on us, step up the impetus
for us to try and settle.”
 “Well, we’ve already said we’re not doing that.”
“I don’t think they fully believe us.” He says, in a tone of voice that
heavily suggests they’re not the only ones who don’t believe it.
I have to hold back a sigh. I must have said this a dozen times
already. Patrick is supposed to be my lawyer and support the legal action I
choose, but he can be damn stubborn sometimes. Apparently it’s just good
legal practice to repeatedly advise on something that I’ve already ruled out,
if he thinks it’s the better option. Which he does - he’s made that clear
enough.
“That’s good for us, then. Maybe they won’t prepare properly.” I say,
then deliberately shift the focus. “How’s our defense coming along?”
Patrick doesn’t sigh - he’s too straight-laced for that - but he
definitely gives me the impression of it before he responds.
“It’s going okay. We’ve gone through all the dates and times you
were potentially alone with Danielle, especially in the few months before
she left, and we’re trying to get evidence to prove there was no opportunity
for anything inappropriate. It’s a lot to cover and some of it just isn’t
possible, but hopefully we’ll have enough that we’ll catch them out with
one or two of their claims, and that will be enough to swing it in our favor. I
think most of their case will be built around these ‘witnesses’ they’ve hinted
at, but they haven’t disclosed their witness list yet, which will give us some
much needed direction.”
“Why haven’t you got the list yet?”
I know that shouldn’t be the part my mind snags on - and I know I
shouldn’t have a vested interest in that list - but I really want to know who
those witnesses are. Who I’ve offended and upset so badly that they’d be
willing to lie for Danielle. And the person they mentioned who currently
works for me, too…
Obviously, the moment I find out, I’ll have to avoid them. As much
as I want to talk to whoever it is, I have a good idea what that might do for
the case. None of that stops the driving need to know, though.
“I think they’re stalling - they really want to push us to settle - but
now that we have a date, I’m filing a motion with the judge to ask him to
demand they hand it over. We need time to depose them. Though, I guess if
they wait long enough, the witnesses might be excluded - that would make
our life much easier.”
“Hah.” I smile at that idea. “What did I say - having them so focused
on settlement will only make going to court better for us.”
“Mm.” Patrick makes a non-committal noise, but I’m unfazed.
“Well done, though, Patrick. Really. It sounds like you’re on top of it
and the case is going well.”
I mean that, too. It’s the first time we’ve had a conversation about it
that sounds remotely positive.
“Yes, well…there was something else I needed to ask you about.”
“Oh?”
From his tone, I get the impression my feeling of positivity might
have occurred too soon.
“Your recent trip to New York - you took your secretary, correct?”
My blood chills slightly.
“Yes.” I say, hoping this isn’t going where I think it is.
How does he know that? Why does he care?
The feeling of Jessica’s lips against mine resurfaces again, and my
face heats as I think about what happened on that trip.
Oh fuck. If anyone knew about that, it would be so bad for this case
that I’m not sure—
“I see. That’s not typical for you, Kenneth. Was there a particular
reason?”
I hesitate before answering, feeling uneasy as I realize I can’t answer
that.
Abbie.
The reason was Abbie, but I can’t say that. There’s no doubt it’s
probably inappropriate in some level, and that’s enough to be a concern for
this case - but more than that, it was a private arrangement between Jessica
and I.
 It’s not fair to her to admit that she was there to look after my
daughter - I have no doubt she didn’t intend it to become common
knowledge any more than me.
I’ve been completely open and honest since this lawsuit came up, and
this is the first time I’m considering doing otherwise. It leaves me frozen
for a moment and I can’t help feeling like it’s a bad idea - like it’s never
going to work out well - but I can’t do anything else, either. It’s just a
sinking feeling in my gut.
“Not particularly.” I finally say. “It was a complex and packed
itinerary and Jessica is a very good secretary - it was helpful to have her
there to deal with some of the fluctuating plans.”
I hesitate for another moment, and then I do mention Abbie, because
I can’t bring myself to leave that out entirely.
“I also had my daughter with me for this trip, so I needed the extra
support with the work, scheduling and meetings that she could provide, so I
had enough time for Abbie.”
That’s half the truth, I guess. It’s close. It will have to do.
I’m not saying I basically asked Jessica to be my Nanny for a week.
It’s simply not fair to her.
“Kenneth.” He says again. He’s been using my name far too often for
my liking in this conversation. It never bodes well. “I’d just like to remind
you that I’m your lawyer - you can tell me anything, and it would be helpful
to know. Attorney client privilege protects anything we might discuss.”
Oh god. He knows about the kiss. He must do. What the hell do we do
now?
“I know that.” I say, refusing to amend anything I just said anyway,
and feeling far too much like some naughty school kid who has been caught
out and is just waiting to find out how much trouble they’re in.
Something I haven’t come close to for years.
Hell, the last time was probably also with Jessica.
“Okay. So my last question - was your room adjoined to your
secretary’s?”
 “What?” I blink. That’s not what I was expecting at all. “Of course
not. What the—what are you talking about, Patrick? Of course they weren’t
—she was right down the hall—where did you—”
My voice gets more incredulous as it goes on, until he cuts me off.
“Your rooms weren’t connected?” He asks again.
“No, of course not.” I repeat. “What are you talking about, Patrick?
What’s going on?”
It’s so not what I was expecting to hear that defending myself feels
like a relief at the same time. This is easy. This isn’t about kissing my
secretary. This is something just…totally…stupid.
“Well, that’s a relief. That would have made things much more
difficult for us.”
“Well, of course it would have.” I say, having just thought about all
that for another issue entirely. “But why on earth would we do that? What
made you think that, Patrick?”
I wonder whether I’m playing up the disbelief a little too much - even
as I say it, I can see the clear advantage of connected rooms, of sneaking
into Jessica’s late at night and what we could do together—
I cut that thought off. That’s exactly the wrong thing to be thinking
about my secretary right now. Or at all. If nothing else, this conversation
should make that obvious.
And even if I can see the advantage, I’m more than a little shocked
by this direction of the conversation.
“It was just something I heard - about your trip to New York being
unusual and that I should check the rooms. I’m sorry Kenneth, there are a
lot of rumors flying around at the moment - but when I confirmed that you
were taking your secretary with you, I was concerned.” His tone seems to
have shifted from dubious to explanatory now, at least, so I guess that’s the
end of it, but I still feel shaken.
The rooms might be nonsense, but if someone is looking into that trip
to New York…
 “I understand the advantages of having your secretary with you on
your business trips, Kenneth, but I would caution you to be careful while
this lawsuit is ongoing. I know it’s difficult to have to think about, but how
your actions might be perceived is important at the moment. Everything
you do could have a potential impact on this case.”
He’s just giving me good advice, I know that, but it’s still hard to
hear. It’s even harder to know he’s right.
“Damn it, Patrick, I get that, I do. But taking Jessica with me to New
York? Really?”
“If I heard a rumor, someone else no doubt has as well.”
“I can give you the damn invoice, you can check the room
information - there’s nothing there.”
Not with the rooms.
“I don’t doubt that - though, yes, I will need those details - and I only
questioned it because it’s the first time I’ve heard of you doing so. Now
isn’t the time to start doing things differently, Kenneth.”
I run a hand through my hair.
“Okay, I’ll bear that in mind, but I’m not going to let this impact
ExVenture or the work I need to do to keep us running. At least there are no
more business trips in my diary, though, so you shouldn’t have to worry
about that again.”
“That’s good to hear. The only other thing to consider…” He pauses
for a moment, and I instinctively know that I won’t like what’s coming. “I
don’t know your new secretary - Jessica, is it?”
“Yes.” I say, frowning. It’s not like he knew any of my other
secretaries either.
“Considering your recent trip together, it’s likely she could be
approached by Danielle’s team, in case she would be willing to offer
testimony that could be useful to them. I just wanted to check that isn’t
likely to cause a problem for us - that if they did, she’d have nothing to
raise against us?”
 I grip the phone harder as I have to bite back my instinctive
comment.
No way are they dragging Jessica into this. I’m not fucking letting
them talk to her.
I’m pretty sure that wouldn’t go down well.
“Why would they talk to her?”
“Because she deals with you on a daily basis, she’s inside everything
you do and you just took her on a business trip. At the very least, they’ll
want to know the kinds of activities you might have engaged together in
while you were away, and they’ll probably try to encourage her to think of
anything that might have been inappropriate. I don’t know how influenced
she might be by that, even if nothing inappropriate actually happened, so I
wanted to ask if I should be prepared for any unpleasant surprises.”
Her lips against mine. Her body grinding against me. The
overwhelming need, desire, simple rightness of having her in my arms
again…
The kiss flashes back through my mind and I have to blink it away.
Nothing inappropriate. Yeah. Right.
“Kenneth? Is there anything she might have to say I need to know
about? If they ask, is she likely to start thinking that way?”
“No.” I say it, and I know it’s the truth, despite everything that
actually did happen. “There’s nothing. Jessica won’t give them anything if
they approach her.”
I know that much.
It just galls me to think they might approach her. That she’ll have to
deal with all this after…after…damn it.
“Okay. Thank you, Kenneth. I’ll send through another update by the
end of the week.”
He clicks off and I’m left staring out into my empty office with that
kiss playing over in my mind.
Patrick’s warnings repeating over the top of it.
 Wanting Jessica here, but suddenly confused about everything.
You’ve been a fucking idiot, Kenneth.
I know that. I’ve known it the whole time.
Kissing Jessica was a bad idea. Wanting to do it again is worse. The
whole thing is fucking bad timing, even if it hadn’t freaked Jessica out too.
I know I’m an idiot.
But that doesn’t mean I know how to stop it.

* * *

Jessica isn’t at work the next day, either. Or the one after that.
I spend the time trying to manage my frantic work schedule without
her, while not letting anything burst into flames in her absence, which is
just about achievable - and trying not to think about that kiss, which is
absolutely impossible.
It would be easier if Abbie didn’t keep talking about her, but it seems
Jessica has been as unforgettable for her as she has for me. I’m not sure
that’s a good thing.
I didn’t quite expect Abbie to get so…attached.
She keeps asking when she can see Jessica again, when Jessica is
going to look after her again, whether Jessica can be the one to take her to
the park, or the zoo, or the kids’ club at our local community center.
I never meant for that to happen.
But then, I didn’t think about it. It seems like there are a lot of things
I haven’t thought about.
By the time Jessica finally does come back, I’m this close to turning
up at her house unannounced, just to check everything is alright. I haven’t
heard anything from her since that first message.
I’m worn out from the half-week without her, from too many
thoughts I keep trying to silence, and from concerns about this lawsuit at
the back of my mind - but the moment I see her, it’s like something inside
me lights up. As stupid as that sounds.
“Jessica.” I grin, hearing the mixture of relief and concern in my
voice as I walk out of my office, watching her set down her bag on her
desk. “Are you okay? What happened?”
She glances up and me and I frown immediately. Her face is drawn
and pale - and there’s nothing like the usual spark in her eyes.
“Have you been sick?”
“I’m fine.” She says, her voice quiet as she glances down at the desk
before taking a seat. “I’m sorry I’ve been off.”
She doesn’t explain why, but she doesn’t sound fine. Not at all.
I want to press, to find out what’s been going on, but my heart is
flipping in my chest and the slight tremor at the edge of her mouth makes
me feel like if I do, she might just burst into tears.
“It’s fine, it was no problem.” I neatly skip over all the scheduling I
screwed up while she was gone. “Just…so long as you’re alright.”
She nods, but doesn’t say anything else. For one brief moment,
looking at her, I wonder why I was so desperate to see her again. It’s
nothing like I was picturing. I expected a debate, some awkwardness or
tension maybe, but…something of the girl I kissed in New York, who ran
off on me a moment later.
Instead, she seems almost…empty. Exhausted. Like she’s already
forgotten the moment that’s been playing on my mind all week.
That thought sends weird spirals of emotion through me and I have to
bite back the urge to say something. I wanted to clear the air between us,
the moment she came in, but looking at her now - hearing that dull tone to
her voice - I’m struggling to feel like there’s anything to clear.
I don’t know why that bothers me more than the tension I expected,
but it seems to.
“Jessica…” I hesitate, but then I finally say it. “About New York…”
She glances up at that, meeting my eyes briefly before looking away.
“It’s fine. Let’s just forget it, okay?”
 That’s it?
It’s fine?
Is that all it was?
I know she said she couldn’t do it, but…damn…
I feel like an idiot. More so than when I was talking to Patrick.
“Yeah…okay.” I finally say, but I still pause before I turn away.
“Listen, let me know if you need anything, okay? You don’t look right
Jessica - if you need more time—”
“I’m fine.” She repeats, and it’s almost like talking to a robot.
Is that all she can say?
I know I’m being unfair, but…fuck…really?
“Okay.” I say again, though my tone is dubious at best.
I turn back to my office anyway, thoroughly confused and
disheartened.
Was it really all in your head? That spark? That connection? That
moment it felt like you were coming home.
Such a fucking idiot.
I spend the rest of the day burying myself back in work, relieved that
I can at least leave the secretarial duties to Jessica. Whatever is going on
with her, it doesn’t seem to have affected her ability with that in the
slightest. Within a few hours, she seems to have fixed whatever mess I
created while she was gone and is already tackling the backlog of tasks I
left - so much so that it seems like she’s going after it in a frenzy.
I glance out at her desk more than once throughout the day, feeling
concerned.
I want to go and check on her again - make sure she really is okay or
see whether I can get her to talk to me - but…well, I can’t deny our earlier
conversation has my pride stinging.
I can’t believe she didn’t feel anything - that she doesn’t even need to
talk about it, to say anything to stop it being awkward between us.
 I run a hand through my hair, suddenly not sure how I’m going to
deal with her working here alongside me every day - knowing she’s driving
me crazy, that all these thoughts are swamping me…and she feels nothing.
God damn it.
It just…seemed so real. The look in her eyes. The way her body
melted into mine. The overriding need for more.
It’s been years, Kenneth. You don’t know her anymore, not really.
Maybe that’s just how she reacts to any kiss.
Somehow, the idea of that hurts more. That she might have kissed
dozens of guys like that and then—
For fuck’s sake, Kenneth. Stop this.
She’s her own woman. I chose to leave her. She can do whatever she
god-damn wants.
I just can’t get her out of my head.
It eats at me throughout the day and I feel like I spend more time
watching her than I do working.
So I don’t miss the way she leaves the moment the clock hits five.
It’s unusual enough that I sit up at the sight of it - Jessica has never seemed
overly concerned about what time she leaves before. Not that I have any
complaints, I’m pretty sure with the pace she worked today, there’s not
much left for her to get done, but still…
It leaves me wondering.
If it hadn’t been for the way she checked her watch and the distracted
look on her face, I would have thought it might have something to do with
avoiding me. But no, I can’t help but feel like I’m the last thing on her mind
right now.
If only she was on mine.
I sigh and try to clear up the last few things I’m working on before
heading home for the day, telling myself to stop thinking about Jessica. I
have my own life to worry about - and thankfully, the moment Abbie rushes
up to me, my little girl is enough to make me remember that.
 I still get brief images of the three of us together in New York, but
not enough to distract me from what’s important.
Caring for my little girl.
That will have to be enough.

OceanofPDF.com
 Chapter Thirteen
Kenneth

Over the next few work days, through to the start of next week,
nothing changes with Jessica - or between us - and we settle into a rhythm
that is nothing like what I was hoping for.
I still notice every little thing she does - I can’t help that - and I’m
still concerned.
Her pale, exhausted complexion doesn’t change, not even over the
weekend and I begin to suspect that whatever is going on with her really
isn’t sickness. She would have recovered by now.
She leaves every day at five o’clock exactly and in every interaction
we have, she seems distracted and like she can barely focus on what I’m
saying. I can’t really complain - there’s no fault with her work in the
slightest - but it still bothers me. It’s like I’m not even there - like we’d
never begun to get friendly or close at all.
I try to avoid it, but as much as it stings, I reluctantly begin to accept
that what happened really did mean nothing to her - that she’s been able to
totally put it behind her.
She said we should forget about it - and after a few days working
with her, I have no doubt that’s exactly what she’s done.
It’s not that easy for me to do the same - but I can accept that’s how it
is between us.
Forgotten, even if it still lingers on my mind anyway.
I try to tell myself that after everything Patrick said - with everything
that’s going on - that should be a good thing.
It doesn’t feel like it, though. Seeing Jessica looking like this doesn’t
feel good in any way.
I let things settle like that between us though - it’s obviously what she
wants right now - and spend my working hours trying to turn my focus back
to the job, instead of my secretary, hoping it will find a way to distract me.
 The moment it does, though, I immediately wish it hadn’t.
I get an emergency call from Kelly, who quickly hooks Patrick and
Harry, my CFO, into it - at almost the same time a couple of emails land in
my inbox. Both of them are from the group of the investors I just visited for
a week.
“Kenneth? We need to talk.” Kelly says, by way of introduction,
sounding harried and a little bit frantic. “Harry was on the line to me this
morning, saying he’s getting worrying calls from New York—”
“They’ve heard about the lawsuit.” Harry cuts in. “Both of our key
investor groups. They’re spooked, Kenneth, and I’m not sure what to tell
them—”
“We don’t know what they’ve heard.” Kelly interrupts again. “I’ve
looked, and there’s nothing in the media in New York. This thing seems to
be spreading, but I don’t know how.”
That would explain the edge of agitation in her voice. If there’s one
thing Kelly doesn’t like, it’s not knowing what’s going on - and not having
a way to control whatever story is going out there. If she can’t even find it,
there’s no way she’ll get that.
“Okay.” I say briskly, bringing the cross-talk to an end. “I’ve just had
a few emails myself - who called you this morning, Harry, and what did
they say exactly?”
I make a note of what he tells me, my heart sinking as he does.
Between the people he’s heard from and the emails I’ve got, that’s almost
all of the investors in ExVenture. The people we need to keep our expansion
going.
It feels like entirely too much of a coincidence that they’ve suddenly
all heard about this - New York City isn’t close, and ExVenture isn’t so
successful that a story on us would beat out anything the bigger players
have to offer - and a moment later, Patrick voices the suspicion I’ve been
thinking.
“It sounds like they got tipped off - these groups, very specifically.”
Which means someone really is trying to screw with us.
 “I agree.” I say, reluctantly. “Okay, I’m going to make some calls
now - try to do damage control, let them know from me personally that this
is all bullshit and we’re on top of it. I’ll get back to you after I hear more,
but I think this one is with me.”
Despite Harry being the official first call for our investors, the
relationships we have with them are all through me. I was the one that
negotiated the initial deals, and I’ve been the one to personally update them
on our progress. So far, everything has been very positive - and I’m
counting on that to get us through this issue.
That, and the fact that the lawsuit is completely false.
We hang up and I immediately start dialing other numbers, sending
Jessica a brief message to clear my afternoon. I’m going to need a while to
deal with this.
Unfortunately, it doesn’t go nearly as well as I hope. The investors I
talk to sound noticeably more reserved than I’m used to and the easy
relationship we usually have is a lot more hesitant. I try to offer every
reassurance I can and while they say cautiously supportive things, they also
make it clear they can’t be associated with anything like this if it does go
the wrong way.
One or two even ask whether I have any plans to settle this out of
court and I have to bite my tongue not to show my frustration.
I do everything I can, but it quickly becomes clear that if I want their
ongoing support with ExVenture, that isn’t going to be enough.
They want personal reassurances - and even if they don’t say it, I
think they want to see me tell them there’s nothing in this in person, to
judge me face-to-face. I can understand that, but it still takes me a long time
to slowly accept that’s where all this is leading.
The last thing I need right now is another trip to New York. I just did
that, damn it. I can’t afford to go away again - not so soon.
But it quickly becomes apparent that’s the only option and by the end
of the afternoon I’m left muttering curses to myself and glaring at the other
side of my office.
 My desk phone interrupts me again and I pick it up automatically - to
hear Harry’s voice on the other end of the line.
“How did it go?” He asks cautiously.
I can understand his concern. He deals directly with the finances -
and he probably knows what kind of impact it would have if those investors
withdrew their funds at this stage better than I do. I’m just imagining how
bad it would be…he actually knows.
“Not as well as I was hoping. They want personal assurances - and
another trip to New York to discuss all this.”
“Mm, I see.” He says slowly. “Do you think when you go that you’ll
be able to convince them to maintain their support?”
I pause for a moment.
When.
Of course, to everyone I work with, there’s not even a question of it.
I’ll be going to New York.
If I’m honest with myself, I’m not even sure there’s a question of it
for myself, either. If I need to, I’ll be there.
I just hate that I have to.
“Yeah. Yeah I think I will.” I sigh, even though his voice lightens on
the other end.
“That’s good news, Kenneth. I’ll draw up potential alternatives and
options if we lose some of the funds anyway…but I’m not going to lie, it
will look painful if it comes to that.”
“I know. Thanks, Harry.”
He clicks off with obvious relief and I sigh again, closing my eyes as
I lean back in my chair.
I’m pretty sure that if I go to New York, I’ll be able to fix this
problem. For the moment. But I’m starting to get nervous about this
lawsuit. If they rule against me, that’s it, the funds will disappear and
ExVenture…
They won’t rule against you. You’re in the right.
 I just wish I fully trusted them to see that.
For the first time, just briefly, the thought of settlement flashes across
my mind. But I can’t. I can’t bring myself not to take this thing on and beat
it. I didn’t do anything. I refuse to pay out money that says I did.
Damn you, Danielle. If I see you face-to-face again…
I shake my head. There’s not much that makes me feel physically
violent, but right now, this is getting there. It’s screwing up my life.
I don’t know how I’m going to tell Abbie that I have to go away
again. I promised her that I wouldn’t need to for a long time now - for
months - and the idea of going back on that has my guts twisting.
I promised.
I step outside my office, looking for Jessica. To discuss making
arrangements for another trip to New York, of course, but also…I don’t
know...maybe it’s stupid to want to talk to her about it all, considering how
things are between us at the moment, but the instinct is still there.
Except the desk is clear and she’s nowhere in sight - and I belatedly
glance up at the time.
Six o’clock.
I hadn’t noticed how late it’s become. She must have left a while ago.
“Damn.” I mutter, shaking my head.
As I gather my things together and prepare to leave, the empty office
and desk outside leaves me feeling strangely alone. A little empty, I guess,
compounded by the disappointment of this trip to New York I’m going to
have to make.
I can’t shake it on the way home - even when Abbie runs to the door
and I catch her in my arms for our usual spin-and-hug. She makes me smile
as always, but somehow, nothing feels quite right.
Before Kara leaves, I encourage Abbie to put on one of her favorite
cartoons so that I can talk to her Nanny about this trip.
“Kara.” I say quietly, pulling her aside. “I know it’s short notice, but
are you available to look after Abbie next week. I’ve got an urgent business
trip to New York coming up.”
 The look of disbelief I get in response isn’t at all encouraging, but
this isn’t the first time I’ve asked her to step in last minute - she’s usually
able to move things around or make it work.
“Next week?” She shakes her head. “Sorry, no, Jason and I are going
flat-hunting in Jefferson City - actually, I was going to ask if we could work
something out for that. It’s a long drive to do back and forth each evening.
Could we get someone to cover some of those afternoons - maybe Martha
or—”
“Jefferson City?” I interrupt, totally confused.
“Yeah.” She grins, obviously enthused. “Jason got a job out there and
we’re finally taking the plunge to move in together - it’ll be my first time
doing that, kind of scary, but…you know…exciting too.”
Wait, what?
“You’re moving to Jefferson City? When?”
“Well, depends how long it takes to find a place and get all that
sorted - but about a month, I expect. Jason’s job starts then, anyway, so I
really hope we’ll have it sorted by then and—”
“Kara.” I say, stopping her there, my voice hard despite my attempt
to soften it. “Just when were you going to tell me all this? I assume you’re
not planning to commute back down here for Abbie?”
She blinks, caught mid-flow, and then pauses as she looks at me.
“Well…no. We only just figured it all out ourselves, of course, but I
was going to talk to you about it tonight - I wanted to discuss how you
wanted us to talk to Abbie about it - but I didn’t think it would be a
problem. You already said you were looking for someone else to help out,
someone Abbie might take to the same way she did with me, and from the
sounds of it this Jessica you’ve found is perfect, so—”
That sends a jolt right through me.
What the hell?!
I stare at her, shocked. “What on earth made you think—where did
you hear about Jessica?!”
 Kara frowns, confusion playing over her smooth features. “Abbie
talks about her all the time - she seems to adore her. It’s great, really, I was a
little worried - and I know I’m going to miss her loads - but it’s a relief to
know that she’ll be happy—”
“Kara.” I grind out. “Jessica isn’t—she’s not—she’s a work
colleague, not a new Nanny. I had to take Abbie into work while you were
sick and she helped out a little there - and since she came with me to New
York, they spent a little time together, but that’s all.”
“Oh. Oh god.”
Realization crosses her face and I feel slightly vindicated as she
processes everything I’ve just had to absorb myself.
“Shit. Oops, sorry—but—god.” She runs a hand through her hair.
“I’m sorry, Kenneth - really I am. I thought it was already sorted.”
“Well, it’s not.” I say grimly, my own stomach sinking as the
enormity of what she’s just announced really starts hitting me.
“But…you did say you were searching for another Nanny, right?”
She asks hopefully. “How’s that going?”
“Ugh.” I shake my head. “Not well.”
I’ve tried, on and off, but there have been so many other things going
on and somehow there’s never enough time and never the right candidates
and—damn.
I’m not going to have a choice now.
“Kara, you can’t just…” I start, feeling thoroughly frustrated.
“You’re leaving in one month?”
I can’t believe this is happening now, on top of everything else. It
feels like everything is being pulled out from under me.
And Abbie…
“You can’t just leave a four-year-old like that, damn it Kara, what’s
that going to do to Abbie?”
She flushes, shifting uncomfortably, but she still gives me a
determined look.
 “Look, I’m sorry about all this, really I am.” She shakes her head.
“But…I told you last year that I wouldn’t be able to do this forever. It’s a
full-time job, what you want, and that’s never what I was looking for. I took
it and I’ve done the last minute overnight stays and covered your week-long
trips because I really do care about Abbie - she’s a wonderful little girl and I
want the best for her - but it’s never been easy. I’m taking evening classes
on top of all that, swamped with assignments…it’s hard, Kenneth. You’ve
been talking about looking for someone else so many times now and it’s
never happened and I—I just—”
She turns away, obviously annoyed and emotional herself and guilt
stabs through me.
Shit.
Did she tell me last year?
Maybe. I might remember something…
And I knew she was studying, too, that she wasn’t convinced about
the kind of responsibility I needed someone to take at the start…but I
thought she’d gotten used to it, that she was happy about it in the end. I
thought it had all turned out fine.
I didn’t realize that when I’d mentioned to her I might look for
another Nanny who could commit more often, she was relieved - or
expecting it. I’d talked about it with her so that she knew, in case she had
any concerns or issues with it…but she never had, so I hadn’t thought
anything of it.
In reality, I’d probably been too busy to spare a moment to think
about it. As always.
God damn it.
I take a seat at the table, feeling thoroughly defeated.
This whole time I’ve been wishing she’d do a bit more, be a little
more willing to help out when I need it…and it looks like I was the one at
fault.
Too demanding. Yet again. It seems like everyone I’ve ever worked
with comes away with that impression, somehow.
 “Look, I’ll do what I can to help out next week - I’ll stay for the full
days - but I can’t rearrange the viewing appointments we’ve already made.”
She turns back from where she’s pacing up and down the kitchen to lean
against the counter, her arms folded. “And I’ll try and make it as easy as
possible when we move. I’ll help you look for someone else, if you like,
and help Abbie get used to them. I really did think it was all sorted.”
I nod slowly, still feeling overwhelmed with everything I suddenly
have to deal with.
“Thanks.” I say quietly. “And…I’m sorry, too. I didn’t realize you
were struggling with the job.”
That’s the least I can say, if she really has been finding it so difficult.
She gives me a look that makes me feel like she’s probably tried to
tell me before, but then shrugs.
“That’s okay. It was worth it, you know, for Abbie. It’s just…there
are other things I want to do with my life. Other things I want to be.”
I look at her for a moment and realize I really have no idea. I barely
know her at all. She’s been working for me for three years now and…I only
have the vaguest idea what she does when she’s not here. Of course, I don’t
see all that much of her myself - typically, when I get here, she leaves - but
even so.
Am I that uncaring?
Or just too distracted and busy?
Is there a difference?
I try to shake off the questions, but they’re things I’ve wondered for a
long time, and it’s hard.
“I understand that.” I say finally, knowing Kara is waiting for a
response. “I’ll step up the search for someone else and let you know when I
have any news.”
She nods and there’s a moment of silence between us, before Abbie
bounces into the room
“Daddy! I’m hungry!”
 I look over at her and can’t help but smile. There’s only so long I
ever get uninterrupted time to talk to someone with my little girl around.
Though usually, I can count on the cartoons to keep her absorbed for
far longer. The suspicious part of me wonders whether she’s getting a little
sensitive to these adult conversations now - and worries that it might be
because she’s anxious that they mean I’m going away again.
Which she’d be right about.
It seems unlikely, but it continually surprises me what she can pick
up on.
“Well, I’d better leave you both to dinner…” Kara says, looking at
me.
I nod. “Right, of course. Abbie, say goodbye to Kara now.”
“Bye, Kara!” Abbie reaches up and Kara leans down to hug her
goodbye, a little more tightly than usual.
“Goodbye, little mischief. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
Abbie nods but is already squirming out of her grip and running back
to me.
“Thanks Kara.” I say, walking her out.
She nods again, gives us both a wave, and then leaves me to my
daughter - and the overwhelming list of things I have to deal with.
I try to set it all aside as I made dinner and go through Abbie’s
evening routine - dinner, a little playtime, then bath, stories and bed - but
I’m not sure how successful I am.
That conversation with Kara left me no closer to an answer for the
trip next week - and without a Nanny for the near future, too.
Dealing with just one of those things is going to be hard enough.
As she chatters away happily to me, telling me one long-winded
story after another - or maybe that’s the same story, just with a tangent I
missed somewhere - I wonder how I’m going to tell her about the trip
coming up.
After I promised her I was done with them for a while.
 I was thinking of telling her tonight, but now…I can’t bring myself
to. Especially since I haven’t worked out who’s going to be looking after
her or what we’re going to do. That’s not even fair to her.
“…and then me and Jessica went to the park and we…”
I blink, refocusing on Abbie as I lift her out of the bath and start
toweling her dry.
Jessica again.
I almost shake my head.
Why does everything seem to involve Jessica these days?
Or maybe it just seems that way. No wonder Kara thought she was
going to be my new Nanny.
If only.
I shake off that thought as I read Abbie a story and settle her down
for bed, but it comes back to me later - when I’m slumped on the couch in
exhaustion and trying to work out what the hell I’m going to do about all
the different things that need my attention.
The lawsuit.
Kara leaving.
The trip next week.
How I’m going to tell Abbie about it.
Whatever is going on with Jessica at the moment.
Jessica. Jessica, Jessica, Jessica.
All my thoughts seem to come back to her.
Kara’s comment flashes through my mind again too, about how taken
Abbie was with her and whether she could help out next week, so Kara
could get to Jefferson City more easily.
I wish. Having her help out again would be the best option by far -
taking them both away with me.
It worked so well last time. Abbie would be happy, the trip would go
ahead, I could deal with the investors…and hell, maybe Jessica would even
crack a smile again.
 But after how it ended last time, I don’t know how I can suggest it.
It’s gone from being slightly inappropriate to wildly and totally
inappropriate. I can only imagine what Patrick might say.
Except…
It didn’t matter to her, did it?
That kiss.
She’s already forgotten it. She doesn’t seem to care at all.
It still feels a little wrong to start considering it, but…it’s not like I’m
asking her to come with me to New York so we can kiss again. She’s my
secretary. It would be useful. And she likes Abbie anyway.
It would solve so many problems, when you already have too many to
think about right now.
If that kiss meant so little to her, she shouldn’t have a problem with it
- and maybe spending some time around Abbie would bring back some of
her spark. It would definitely make my little girl happy.
What the hell.
Why not?

OceanofPDF.com
 Chapter Fourteen
Jessica

The days pass in a numb haze.

I spend as much time at Gramps’ bedside as possible, watching the
painfully slow recovery and his obvious frustration at struggling with the
most basic things. It breaks my heart to see it, but I sit there and tell him it’s
all going to be okay anyway, that he’ll beat this.
I joke about how he’ll be wheeling down the halls of the care home
in no time, terrorizing the nurses, and that they better watch out when he
gets back to his feet properly, the way he always said he would - and try to
smile, to tease him, to forget how painful it is for both of us that he’s been
set so far back.
I have to believe that he’s still as determined about that as he always
was. I have to believe it’s going to happen.
He does improve over those first few days. He starts to sit up, to
move and try to do things for himself - he has to be reminded about little
things, like how to feed himself, but they do start coming back. It leaves me
almost holding my breath, hoping, waiting to see how far it will go - but
however much I hope, there’s no denying that this time, it’s far worse.
His body is slightly slack and weakened on one side but that’s okay -
he can still move it and I know the physiotherapy will help. Maybe even
enough that he could walk again, the way he wants.
That’s not what worries me.
No, it’s when it starts becoming obvious that there’s something really
wrong with his speech. I expect the confusion and exhaustion to wear off
after that first evening, but once that does…he still struggles to say
anything. He tries - I can see him trying - but it seems to take a long time
for his mouth to move and when it finally does, the words come out slow
and garbled, a largely incoherent mumble that’s painful to hear.
He has trouble swallowing too and the doctors say it’s not
uncommon, but damn it, I can still see him in there. His eyes bright and
frustrated, that keen mind unable to express itself the way he always has.
This is the part that’s important to him.
He gets support for it - physiotherapists and speech therapists and all
sorts of people. I sign the forms without thinking about the bills or whether
we can afford it. If I have to take out a loan for this, I’ll do it. All that’s
important is that he can talk properly again - that he can communicate the
way he wants to.
But they say it will be a long, slow process and I’m scared for him. I
spend hours at his bedside, trying to learn, trying to understand the
mumbled conversation he’s making and it hurts that I find it so hard.
He’s my grandfather. I should know what he’s saying.
I struggle to understand, to interpret and talk for him, to work out
what he wants and needs - to make conversation and keep him entertained
while he’s there, filling in the blanks for him with what I know he would
have said. I answer the questions I know he’d want to ask - tell him about
myself, lie and say I’m doing fine and looking after myself too, even if I
can barely remember whether I had lunch that day or what on earth I might
have had in it. I tell him that Pan is fine - the one thing that is true, since
he’ll never forget to pester me for food, at least - and what the neighbors are
up to, even though I don’t know and I’m largely just guessing for his
benefit, because he’d want to know.
I help him with the exercises his speech therapist has given him and
even though I know it kind of pisses him off to have me there helping him, I
do it anyway, too desperate for him to start getting better not to be involved
myself.
And I think it all might be one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
After a few days, he’s discharged from the hospital and returns to the
care home - and I know I have to go back to work. I can’t leave it much
longer without some kind of explanation or conversation, and I can’t deal
with that right now. I’ve only gotten away with this much because
Kenneth…well, because Kenneth.
I hope that maybe going back could be a good thing - it might
distract me, at least for a little bit each day - but it doesn’t work out that
way.
I spend every moment just wishing I could be back with Gramps,
talking to him, helping him, letting him know that I’m right there for him. I
leave as soon as I can every day and spend every evening with him, eating
dinner at the care home with him, but it never seems like enough.
All I can think about is him being alone during the day, scared and
frustrated and without anyone who really understands exactly who he is,
what he’s thinking and feeling. They’re great at the care home, but they’re
not me.
I can’t stop worrying about him.
The only good thing, if you could call it that, is that I’m not thinking
about Kenneth anymore - I’m not worrying about the situation between us
at work or struggling with all those inappropriate thoughts and desires.
I can’t.
The last thing I can feel right now is any of that. In fact, I’m not sure
I feel anything at all.
Every last part of my energy is directed towards Gramps and his
recovery right now.
Every moment I’m with him, I’m as positive and encouraging and
supportive as I can be - to get him through this. And then whenever I’m not
with him, I refuse to let myself feel at all - I can’t think about it, can’t open
myself to that floodgate of emotion again - in case I never recover from it
and can’t be there for him the way he needs right now.
There’s too much fear hiding in me, waiting. Too much terror that
something is going to happen - that he’ll get even worse and I’ll be left all
alone again.
I can’t face that feeling. So I don’t let myself feel anything at all.
The numb state I’ve sunken into suits me just fine at the moment.
I go through the work I need to get done automatically each day, the
tasks and routine of it so familiar that I don’t have to think about it.
Everything that needs to seems to get done, but the moment I leave the
office I’m not sure I could tell you anything about what happened that day.
It passes in a blur, too much of my mind counting down the time until I can
leave and get back to Gramps’ side - hoping that when I get there, this time,
somehow it will all be better.
Waiting for that moment of significant improvement, scared that it’s
not going to come - and secretly knowing that’s not how any of it works.
It’s incremental. Small steps, and he’ll get there.
In a month’s time, you’ll look back and be amazed at the progress.
You will.
I repeat it to myself again and again, wanting so much to believe that.
I’m distracted enough by that, that when Kenneth asks me to come
into his office in the middle of the week, I don’t think anything of it.
I follow him, only raising an eyebrow when he gestures for me to
shut the door behind me. I’m not interested enough to ask, though, as he
leans back against his desk and folds his arms and I wait for whatever
question he’s got for me. Usually by now I’d be sifting through a mental list
of things he might want to know, but not today. Not this week. It’s easier
just to wait, and then respond.
“I’m going to have to go back to New York next week. Emergency
trip, to soothe some of our investors’ nerves about this lawsuit—I’m sure
you’ve seen the emails?” He quirks an eyebrow at me and I nod. I’ve seen
some of the back-and-forth about that, but I haven’t been involved - he’s
very clearly wanted to respond to ExVenture’s investors directly. “Yes, well,
it’s inconvenient but we’ve got a court date now so the whole thing should
be cleared up by the end of next month, I just need to give these guys
enough reassurance that they’re willing to hold out until—”
He pauses, seeming to catch himself as he notices my blank
expression, shaking his head and refocusing on what he actually wants me
to do. It’s not until he does that that I notice the way he seems to keep
shifting between that business-like attitude and just talking to me about
what’s going on.
“—Anyway, you don’t need to know any of that. I need you to
organize that trip - I’ll send you a list of the guys I need to see. It’s short
notice and they’re important people, so if we have to resort to lunch or
dinner meetings, that’s fine, but I think they’re going to want to make time
for it.” He continues in a brisk tone and I nod along, making mental notes
with the half-attention I’m paying. “Oh, and make the same arrangements
as you did last time for the hotel and rooms - that worked out well - and I’d
like to take you and Abbie with me again this time. I’m assuming that won’t
be a problem?”
He says it so casually, completely out of nowhere, that it takes a
moment before that comment hits me.
“Wait…what?” I stare at him, my focus sharpening for the first time
since I got in this morning.
He can’t be serious…
“It worked well last time.” He shrugs. “Abbie had a good time, and
the trip is last minute enough that—”
“What?” I shake my head, my heart stuttering at the idea. “No. Sorry,
no. I can’t do that.”
I can’t. No way.
How can he even just suggest it like that?!
I can’t be away from Gramps for a week. Not now. I can’t just pack
up my life and—
“Why not? You and Abbie seemed to have a good time together.” He
frowns, looking carefully at me before continuing more quietly. “You don’t
need to worry about…what happened last time. Nothing like that will
happen again - it’s all forgotten, right? It didn’t matter.”
There’s something in his voice as he says that last part, but I can
barely hear him. The thunder in my ears is building too quickly, anger and
fear and upset overtaking me in a rush.
How can he just expect me to do that? To leave everything on a
moment’s notice? That was never in the job description. Never.
“I—what—you think it’s all about you?!” I sputter at him, staring in
disbelief as my hands curl into and out of fists at my sides. “No, damn you,
it’s nothing to do with that kiss. You think I don’t have anything else going
on - that I can just pack up and leave anytime you like? I’ve got a life here,
damn it. I’ve got other things to think about. I can’t disappear across
country for a week. No. I’m not going with you.”
Right now, I don’t care if it’s my job on the line. It’s a fucking
unreasonable request - hell, it wasn’t even a request. Expectation. And he
thinks he can just…
Self-centered prick.
I take a deep breath, and to my horror it catches, sounding more like
a hiccup - the threat of a sob right behind it. My eyes are burning but I
refuse to blink, not wanting to risk it.
“Jessica…”
“I can’t.” I shake my head hard, the firm words I’d intended coming
out more like a quiet breath. My vision feels dark at the edges, threatening
to narrow around me, and I just know I have to get out of there before my
loose self-control breaks entirely. “I’ll make the rest of the arrangements for
you.”
I spin on my heel, almost rushing to the door - but somehow, he gets
there first, his hand holding it closed as he turns to face me.
“Jessica.” He says again, all the businesslike detachment gone from
his voice. “What’s going on? Talk to me.”
I shake my head again, breathing harder than I’d like and blood
roaring in my ears again. I just wish he’d let me go. All I want is to
disappear and not have those intent eyes on me, making me start to think
things…feel things…
“I can’t leave Springfield.” I say again, the words almost like a
mantra in my head.
I don’t care what he says, I’m not going. Not now.
“Okay.” He says, agreeing with an ease that’s totally at odds with his
earlier attitude. “Then you won’t leave Springfield. Just tell me what’s
going on. Please. What’s wrong, Jessica?”
I make the mistake of glancing up at him, too surprised by his simple
acceptance to stop myself before his gaze catches mine, the obvious
concern there making it impossible to look away.
 The care I see in his expression steals my breath, working its way
under all my defenses almost before I realize what’s happening, somehow
reaching the part of me that I’ve closed off from everything else and
bringing the words out of me.
“My grandfather had a stroke last Friday.”
It comes out numb and quiet and something in me deflates, the
acknowledgment feeling like a defeat of some kind.
I haven’t been able to say that to anyone - those words have been
something I’ve fiercely defended and protected and kept to myself because
that’s the only way I seem able to keep it together.
It’s my grandfather. My family. My life.
All mine to deal with.
Or…maybe it’s because if I don’t say it, it can’t be real and I might
wake up from the whole surreal nightmare at any moment.
I don’t know, but I can feel something give way inside me as I say it.
“Oh, damn.” Kenneth mutters softly from the side of me - and then
suddenly he’s gathering me up in his arms.
I’m stiff, my body not working out what to do and my mind still
twisted and confused as his arms come around me, but that doesn’t seem to
bother him. His head drops so his chin rests against my cheek, his mouth
just above my ear.
“I’m so sorry, Jessica.”
Something about his voice, or his touch, or something he’s doing
goes right through me, sending cracks through all my hardened defenses
and making me tremble slightly.
“Kenneth…”
I’m not sure about this. I’m not sure I can do it - being this close to
him, having him care—any of it.
“Just for a moment, Jessica.” He whispers against my ear, as if he
knows that.
 I can feel the hesitation in me, the fear, everything I’ve tried to keep
to myself combined with all the confused emotions I feel towards him - but
the warmth of his strong presence around me overwhelms all of that.
I feel myself sinking into him before I’ve worked any of it out in my
head, my body knowing exactly what I need and want right now. He reacts
to it, too, pulling me closer and tighter in against him until I’m resting my
head on his shoulder, my arms tucked in between us so that it feels like he’s
all around me.
Warm. Comforting. Protective.
I blink my eyes closed, feeling the tears on the edges of my lashes,
but they don’t fall. I think I’ve cried myself out sometime over the last few
days - I’m too tired for another emotional storm. I just feel sad…and
exhausted.
Right here…right now…letting Kenneth hold me, some of the tightly
wound tension finally starts seeping out of me, the wave of fatigue making
me almost dizzy as I tuck closer against him. Wishing I could stay like this
forever - just go to sleep against him and let that simple comfort take away
everything I’m dealing with right now.
I can’t, I know that, but…
Just for a moment.
He doesn’t say anything else, one hand running up and down my
back and his lips hovering so close to my temple that I think he’s going to
kiss me there. He doesn’t, but I imagine his lips against me a dozen times.
Too many. I imagine giving into him and letting him take care of me the
way I think he might, if I let him.
I don’t know how long we stay like that. It occurs to me briefly that
someone might see us, that it’s probably not a good idea, but I can’t bring
myself to care.
I finally make myself step back, though, scared that if I stay in his
arms for too long, I won’t be able to give them up at all. I feel empty the
moment I do, my body aching with a fierce longing where he was touching
me only moments before, wanting that warmth back - and I have to resist
the urge to wrap my arms around myself.
 “What can I do, Jessica?” He asks gently. “Do you want to take some
time off—”
“No.” I don’t let myself listen, already shaking my head.
I don’t want that. I refuse to admit it but right now, we need the
money - and I don’t want any special treatment. It’s enough that I’ve
already had a few days off, I don’t want to take this too far. I don’t want to
think about just why he seems so concerned.
“Are you sure? I mean it, I can manage here and if you need the time
—”
“I’m okay.” I say, and I’m not entirely sure I mean it, but I try not to
make it as dismissive as my response to all the other ‘are you okay?’s I’ve
received. Somehow, he deserves better than that. I take a deep breath and
make myself nod. “We’re doing okay, it’s just…it’s going to take some
time. And I need to be around for him.”
“Of course. Don’t worry about New York - I’ll sort something out -
and I’m sorry I sprung it all on you. I…had no idea.”
He takes another look at me, even if I still can’t meet his eyes, and I
hear him sigh before his hand comes up under my chin, tilting it up towards
him.
“At least go home for a bit, Jessica.” He murmurs, the command
obvious in his tone. “Get a little rest. You look like you need that right
now.”
I want to object, to resist again, but his voice is authoritative, sinking
in at a deeper level and compelling the exhaustion that suddenly washes
over me.
He’s right. I haven’t been able to sleep properly for days and I feel
worn out and ragged in every possible sense. I’m not going to be any use to
anyone if this continues - and for the first time since I heard about the
stroke, I actually think I might be able to close my eyes and find something
slightly more peaceful.
The feeling of his arms still lingering around you. Being held and
warm and comforted.
 I know that’s what’s prompted it, but right now that doesn’t matter.
Anything to keep the worry at bay for just a few hours.
“Okay.” I finally agree, nodding.
His hand drops to my shoulder, squeezing it.
“You’ll call me if there’s anything you need? Anything at all?”
I nod again, but I know that I won’t. I don’t even let myself think
about the offer.
I can’t. Not right now.
There’s too much unsaid.
And far too much behind it.

OceanofPDF.com
 Chapter Fifteen
Kenneth

I spent the next week frantically trying to interview and vet potential
Nannies, while trying to covertly check on how Jessica is doing without
annoying her.
Neither seems to work out very well.
It’s far too short a time frame for me to feel comfortable leaving
Abbie with someone for so long without me being there. And that’s even if I
were to compromise and go for someone who I wasn’t entirely convinced
about, something I told myself I’d never do.
I ask Kara whether she’s got any friends who might be able to help
out and when she doesn’t, even go as far as to offer to cover the first few
months’ of her rent in Jefferson City if they’ll just delay these viewings to
another week. This whole thing has stopped being about finding a way to
keep Abbie happy despite breaking my promise I won’t go away again -
and instead, trying to find anyone who might be able to look after her.
Kara can see how desperate I’m getting, but she reluctantly turns
down the offer anyway. Apparently, her dropping everything to cover for
me has been a source of strain between her and Jason for a while now and
that isn’t how she wants the start of their new life together to begin.
Another thing I never knew.
I ask Martha too, even though I know she’s out of state again, but her
daughter is heavily pregnant and she doesn’t want to miss the big moment. I
know my suggestion of putting them all up in a luxury apartment nearby is
ridiculous even as I say it, but I can’t help myself, right now it looks like I
have no options at all - and I feel like with all the resources and finances at
my disposal I should be able to do something.
But I can’t. All the money in the world is no good when what I need
are people.
People I’ve been damned bad at making connections with and
encouraging into our life, it seems.
 Money can’t buy everything. It can’t fix everything. I’ve known that
all along, but sometimes I swear I feel this should all be easier somehow.
I’ve worked hard. I’m successful. Why are such seemingly simple
things still so hard?
I even call my parents, asking if there’s any way that they can come
visit from California for the week, despite Abbie not really knowing them
enough to be comfortable around them. I trust them, at least, and that’s
more than any other option I’ve got.
But no, my sister is in the middle of another breakdown of some
kind, and they’ve got their hands full with the three kids running riot. I offer
for them to all come and stay as well, even though I have no idea how
Abbie would handle the three loud, sometimes-violent boys invading her
quiet life, but my Mom thinks the move might destabilize things further.
‘Why don’t you hire someone to help you out, Kenneth? You’ll be
fine, sweetie, you always have been. We’re so proud of you, you know.’
I try not to sigh as I hang up the call. It’s always been like that - and
most of the time I don’t mind, I can understand it, but…right now?
God damn it.
I’m the successful one.
I’ve got the impressive job, the money and my life under control.
I’ve always known what I wanted and been able to go out there and
get it.
My older sister…not so much.
She got pregnant and dropped out of high school, then followed an
idiot to the other side of the states. I still don’t know exactly what happened
there but by the time their relationship blew up, she’d become an emotional
wreck.
I’ve always understood my parents moving out to help her and their
grandchildren. I’ve tried to help as best I can as well and before Abbie was
born, I spent a lot of time out there. I want her to be happy the way she
deserves and I’ve always known that she needs our parents’ help and
support more than I do.
 But…that doesn’t mean I don’t need it at all. Ever.
I try to let go of the frustration, knowing it’s partly because
everything seems to be falling apart on me.
Abbie can tell something is wrong, too, and I don’t know how to tell
her about the trip because I don’t even have a plan for it.
Between that and seeing Jessica every day, trying to ask how she is
and knowing it’s not helping but also feeling totally helpless to know what
would help...I feel pretty useless at the moment.
Unable to fix anything that’s going on in my life.
I want to talk to Jessica, to do something for her, to find out what’s
really going on and figure out a way to help - but I know that right now, I
don’t get to do that. Not after the way I acted. Not with how confused
everything feels between us - I don’t feel like her boss anymore, even if she
does technically work for me, but I don’t know exactly what that makes us.
Not quite friends. Not quite…more.
Not quite anything, I guess.
And I was a total asshole for ever asking her to come with me. Or, I
guess, not asking.
If I’m honest with myself, I was being a dick and acting out because
of my injured pride. I felt rejected and uncomfortable that she seemed
totally disinterested in a kiss that had been on my mind for days, and had
never taken a moment to think it might not be about me at all.
Yeah. Self-centered asshole. That’s you, Kenneth.
You’ve been at the center of everything for so long…your company,
your daughter…that’s all you can imagine.
So I acted out and…totally screwed up.
Her grandfather. Damn.
I didn’t say it, but I remember exactly how much he means to her.
How much she’d adored her grandparents for what they’d given her,
even while wrestling with so much resentment for her Mom. She’d lash out
at them at times, angry that they weren’t her Mom, and then come to me
distraught with guilt and wanting to know how she could ever make it up to
them, all while still being angry.
It’s hard to think back to that time now, to think how different we
were and yet…not that different at all, really.
All the things that are still there.
I just wish the other things could be there too. I wish she could come
to me and sink into my arms and tell me everything that’s going on,
everything that she’s dealing with and how it’s affecting her. I wish she
could trust me with that.
I know why she doesn’t anymore, obviously, but it still hurts to think
of how different it used to be.
And how scary it is you still want that.
Even when I have more than enough of my own issues to deal with.
The day after I told her to go home, she looks slightly better and
some of the tension in me eases slightly - but then, gradually, the drawn
expression and dark eyes get heavier again and I have to bite my tongue not
to tell her to leave early all over again. For that brief moment when I was
holding her in my arms and there was something more going on, I could try
to help her, but now…now, I doubt the interference would be welcome.
So instead, I just try to be there for her and even though I’m not sure
how much it works, I end up feeling like she’s there in a similar way, a
quiet understanding springing up between us that feels nice as we continue
to work closely together.
She walks in with my afternoon coffee just as I finish the
conversation with my parents and look up at her as she sets it down beside
me.
“You look about the same way I feel right now.” I say with a sigh,
running a hand over my face. “Was it a rough evening yesterday?”
“About the same.” She says, in a similar tone, then shrugs. “So…
yeah.”
I nod. I don’t know much about these things - though I’ve certainly
spent more time looking up strokes in the last week than I ever have before
- but I know enough from Jessica that the hardest thing for her is seeing the
lack of progress.
“Interviewing Nannies isn’t going well?” She asks, tilting her head to
consider me in turn as she pauses by the side of my desk, leaning against it
in the way she’s taken to doing occasionally. It’s little things like that that
make me feel not at all like her boss…except perhaps in some hot office
fantasy…and I’m secretly pleased every time I see it.
Even if I do have to avoid letting my eyes drift down to the tight
pencil skirt wrapped around her gorgeous legs.
“No.” I shake my head. “I haven’t found anyone I’d be willing to
leave Abbie with for a day yet, never mind a whole week. I think all the
decent candidates probably bolt at the idea of spending their first week with
my daughter as live-in support - before they even know her or me. I can’t
even blame them for that, really.”
I’m surprised she took the moment to reflect the question back, if I’m
honest, but I guess my comment invited that. I’m not about to complain - if
I get the chance to open up to her, then maybe she’ll feel more comfortable
talking to me. Besides, there’s a not-so-small part of me that feels like it
needs the chance to vent some of the frustration.
“I’ve gotten to the point of offering to host whole families for a mini-
break just to bribe anyone I know to come and stay over for the week.” I
give her a wry smile, trying to make it amusing in the hope of getting a
laugh or smile in response. I miss seeing that on her, even if life might be
screwed up at the moment. “All that’s told me is how very few people I
seem to know.”
I obviously don’t hit quite the right note, because her expression
softens in sympathy.
“I’m sorry, Kenneth. I wish I could do more—”
“No. It’s not for you to do anything, really.” I shake my head before
she can finish. “I never should have asked you, I was just…I don’t know.
I’m sorry about that, you know, especially with everything you’ve had
going on.”
“You didn’t know.”
 But I should have known.
I don’t say it, but it’s what I’m thinking. I could tell something was
wrong, I was just…too focused on myself. On my problems. Somehow,
even with everything that’s going on, they don’t seem quite so bad
anymore. Not after hearing about Jessica’s grandfather.
“The hotel I booked last time has a creche service.” Jessica offers. “I
could look into that for you, if you’re still thinking of taking Abbie with
you—”
“I already called them.” I preempt her. “It’s an option, maybe, but it
doesn’t cover the late nights that are going to be inevitable. They said they
could put me in touch with other services that might be able to cover that,
but I’m not sure how comfortable I feel with Abbie spending the evening
with an agency-based stranger, in a completely different city…”
I shake my head, then glance up at her, knowing how this must
sound. Like I’m deliberately being difficult.
“You must think me ridiculous, huh? Here I am, totally stuck for a
solution, and yet I shoot down the few options I do have.”
Beggars can’t be choosers.
Except, damn it, I refuse to accept that.
“It’s your daughter, Kenneth.” Jessica says gently. “Of course you
only want what’s best for her.”
The understanding there eases some of the tension within me, some
of the questioning self-doubt, and I give her a grateful smile.
“Thanks.”
“I’ll have a look around, see whether I can think of any other
options.” She offers.
I nod, but I already know that even Jessica’s prowess at sorting
unfixable problems isn’t going to work here.
The conversation is enough to help in itself and I laugh to myself as
she leaves and I’m left thinking that. So much for helping her out. She
seems far better at that than me.
 I close my eyes and drink my now lukewarm coffee, totally stuck on
a solution and knowing I have to talk to Abbie about this soon. I leave next
week - unless I don’t figure something out by then, and then my company’s
finances will be wrecked.
By the end of the day, I’m still no closer though, and I’m surprised
when I come out of my office at 5.30pm and see Jessica still sitting there,
staring off into the distance and fidgeting with a pen.
“Is everything okay?” I ask, suddenly uneasy.
She looks up, seeming startled by my presence. “Yes, I just—I was
just thinking.”
Her eyes flick to the clock on the wall and I watch the flush come
over her cheeks. “Oh, damn.”
I close the distance between us as she jerks to her feet, seeing the
sluggish way she’s moving, and take her hand in mine, closing both of mine
over it.
“Jessica.” I squeeze, drawing her gaze to mine and trying to put as
much reassurance as I can into my voice. “It’s okay. He’ll still be there if
you’re a little bit late - he’ll be fine. I mean, he’ll probably even be pleased
to think you might have taken a bit of time for yourself. He can’t be too
happy to see you like this.”
I reach out and push her hair behind her ear, my fingers trailing along
her cheek as I do.
“You need to take care of yourself, too, Jessica. You can’t keep this
up.”
You need someone to take care of you. Or make sure you do it.
I try to ignore the burning need to be that person - to do just that. It’s
not fair to anyone to try to insert myself into her life now, when she’s got so
much going on and we’ve got so much…history.
She flushes at the intimate touch, glancing around obviously. I’ll be
damned if I regret the risk, though, even as she swallows and takes a step
back, her hand slipping out of mine.
 She doesn’t quite look at me, but when she finally speaks, what she
says is the last thing I expect to hear.
“I was thinking about what you said, about inviting everyone you
know to come and stay with Abbie for the week.” She says, her eyes flitting
to my face and away again before she clears her throat and shrugs. “You
know, if you don’t find anyone…well, maybe I could—it was never Abbie
that—”
“You don’t need to do that, Jessica.” I say, shaking my head before I
let myself think about it. If I do that, I’m not sure I’ll be able to stop myself.
“That wasn’t why I told you any of that—really, it’s not on you—”
“I know that.” She interrupts, her voice sounding firmer than I’ve
heard it recently. “But it wasn’t—well, I just didn’t want to be away from
Gramps, that was all—it’s not that I don’t want to help. We don’t have to
talk about it now, just, keep it in mind, okay? If you don’t find anyone
else.”
“I—”
“And, um, I really have to go.” She glances at the clock again, but
softens it with a small smile as she picks up her bag, gives me a last glance
and starts walking away.
I’m left staring after her, my head buzzing with that thought as much
as I tell myself I shouldn’t even be considering it.
I try not to. I really do.
But every failed attempt at finding anything else comes back to me
and it’s hard not to picture the relief I’d feel if I knew Jessica was looking
after Abbie for the week.
It’s what you wanted in the first place. Even if you were a dick about
it.
I still try to find an alternative, determined not to take advantage of
Jessica’s generosity, but the idea is there now, in the back of my mind and
growing - my subconscious thinking more about how that would work than
how to find another option. And it has a dozen ideas for how it could work,
for how good it could be…however much I try to shake that off.
 I continue my frenzied interviewing anyway - I still need an urgent
replacement for Kara, whatever happens with the week I’m away - but I
actually feel like I have room to breathe now, that I can stop and really
consider the applicants I’m talking to, instead of feeling almost panicked
about the whole process.
Just having that option there in the back of my mind is enough to
take some of the pressure off, the relief of it letting me focus on what’s
really important instead of just a short-term solution for next week.
Eventually, as it becomes obvious that all my attempts to find another
option aren’t going to work out in time, I start really letting myself think
about it. I want to make sure this is something that will be good for Jessica
as well as Abbie and I. She’s got enough going on that I refuse to add
something difficult to it…but, the more I think about it, the more I can’t
help thinking this could be just what she needs too.
I talk to Kara and confirm that she’s still available to look after Abbie
during the day. That would give Jessica so much more time to see her
grandfather, while still being around for my little girl in the evenings…and
that could be a good thing, too. I hate the idea of Jessica going back to an
empty house, being all alone with all the emotional upheaval of trying to
support her grandfather.
Of course, it’s not like Abbie is going to support her with any of that,
but I know from experience that just being around her sweet mannerisms
and nonsensical remarks can be a good distraction - and it means she won’t
be alone. I don’t know why that thought gets to me so much, but it does.
Jessica shouldn’t be alone. Especially at a time like this.
She’s spent too much of her life struggling with people not being
there for her.
Like you.
I try to ignore that thought but it’s there - along with the guilt behind
it.
You should never have left her.
Before I met her again, I never thought it was something I regretted,
but now…now, I don’t know anymore.
 Now it feels like something that’s eating away at me, that I’m going
to have to deal with at some point.
But not now. She doesn’t need to have to deal with my guilt as well
as everything else right now.
Maybe my little girl can help, at least. Maybe she can be there for
you. Maybe you’ll be able to accept that, where you can’t accept me
anymore.
I know as I think it that I’m playing a dangerous game. If Abbie and
Jessica spend the week together…in my house…just the two of them…it’s
so close to the things I think about sometimes. The life that crosses my
mind idly, even if I know it shouldn’t. It’s definitely enough to be confusing
- for all of us.
Abbie already talks about Jessica often enough and with her Mom
being so absent, I can’t help wonder whether she’s looking for that kind of
connection. It’s something I’ve considered looking for over the last few
years, for Abbie. But the idea of her getting attached and then something
going wrong—I don’t want to think about what that might do to her.
But…there’s also part of me thinking that maybe it won’t just be
Abbie who gets attached.
And maybe I want that.
Maybe part of you wants to show Jessica the life that might have
been, if I hadn’t left all those years ago…the life that could be…
It feels a little crazy to be thinking that way, when all Jessica and I
have done is kiss. Once.
If you don’t count all the things years ago.
But working with her, being around her every day for the last couple
of months, I can’t deny there’s something there between us. Maybe the
same thing that was always there - maybe it never left. I don’t know, but I
know how I feel when I’m around her and I’m starting not to care about all
the reasons not to.
There’s something inside telling me this might be it. The thing I gave
up looking for years ago. My one chance at happiness - at having the kind
of family I always wanted.
So however worried I am about what might happen if it all goes
wrong…I still think I’d take the risk. I’d still want to push them together
and hope that it might be enough to start healing the holes in both of their
hearts - even if this trip wasn’t leaving me with no choice.
Really, it’s just given you an excuse.
I try not to think too hard about my intentions or what I’m doing as I
gently talk to Abbie about it, finally admitting the trip and trying to explain
why it’s so important in a way she’ll understand. I follow it up quickly with
the idea that Jessica could come and stay here to look after her - and I’m
surprised how well she takes the whole thing, easily following me down the
path of ‘what would you like to show Jessica’.
It’s enough to bring that secret hope to life just a little bit more.
I work out the rest of the details with Jessica on Friday, and I can’t
help the overwhelming relief I feel when it’s done. It’s not just from finding
someone to look after Abbie while I go away, either - part of it is the
thought that Jessica will have someone to come home to, after visiting for
her grandfather each day. She’ll have the sweetest, most caring little girl to
bring some of the childlike magic back into her life - something I hadn’t
even realized children brought until I started seeing it in Abbie.
I try not to think about much more than that. I don’t let my mind
wander too much, into the things it’s too soon to think about.
And, as I prepare for my trip to New York and what I’m going to say
to ExVenture’s investors, I refuse to think about what my lawyer might say
about this arrangement.

OceanofPDF.com
 Chapter Sixteen
Jessica

Kenneth and I discuss how this is going to work before he goes away,
but it still surprises me how easy the routine is to slip into.
I visit Gramps during the day, while Kara looks after Abbie, giving
me a whole day to spend talking to him, entertaining him and encouraging
him to practice the exercises his speech therapist and physiotherapist have
given him.
I’d been concerned that his previously infallible spirit was starting to
slip in the face of struggling to communicate and have the sort of lively
conversations he’s always been able to before - but over the week, his
interest and enthusiasm in practicing seems to pick up again. I’m not sure
what it is, maybe having me around more often or maybe I’ve just gotten
better at understanding and talking to him, but it’s a relief to see and I start
feeling like maybe having me around really is making a difference.
It’s definitely making a difference to me, at least. I didn’t realize how
guilty I’d been feeling every time I left him, until that feeling started to ease
after spending all day together. I get back to Kenneth’s home to take over
from Kara, in time for her to have an early finish and drive to Jefferson
City, and by the time I’m with Abbie, I actually start feeling like I have the
space and mental capacity to think about something other than Gramps’
recovery.
Either that, or being around Abbie just demands that of me anyway,
in the way I’d guess only a four-year-old little girl could do. I’m glad for it
though and not just for the relief that not thinking about that all the time
gives me - I also just love engaging in all the little things Abbie wants to
tell me. Becoming part of her world for a little while, whatever fun,
inventive things she comes up with, instead of dealing with the difficult
reality of my life.
She tells me all the things she got up to with Kara, or at nursery, and
sometimes we play a little and continue some of those games. Other times I
find her paints and craft materials and we create big landscapes out of
random components, or I make up stories that she acts out. I get her dinner
and help her with her bath and bedtime, and I’m surprised how she doesn’t
seem to mind that it’s me doing all these routines instead of her Daddy.
I guess that sometimes Kara does them, when Kenneth has been
away before, and maybe she’s used to it…but it still touches me, somehow.
Halfway through the week, I have a bad day with Gramps. He tries so
hard to have long, real conversation with me - the kind of lively debate we
used to have about the things he reads in the paper - and I’m excited when I
get in and he starts talking about it, articulately and totally understandable,
feeling for a moment that maybe things are back to how they were.
Within the first ten minutes, though, that initial confidence
deteriorates and I watch him getting increasingly frustrated as he struggles
for words he can’t find, slurs others and I have to ask him to repeat himself
several times. He tries for a long time and we have a bit of a conversation
about it, but he gets increasingly frustrated and withdrawn and it hurts to
see how demoralized it makes him.
I try to tell him how great it is we could start that, the obvious
progress he’s making and how much better he’s getting with the exercises,
but it doesn’t seem to help and when I leave - early, at his insistence - his
dejection seems to have worked its way into me, too.
That evening, when I get back to Kenneth’s, I’m not quite there and I
know it. I feel bad about it, but I can’t change it - and somehow, Abbie
seems to know. Instead of trying to talk to me or play any of the games we
have been doing, she pulls me over to the TV and says she wants to watch a
movie.
That’s about all I feel up for at that moment anyway, so I gratefully
put on Tangled when she points at it and sit back down on the couch with
her. I’m surprised a few moments later when she wriggles her way under
my arm and cuddles up to me and I feel myself tense up, looking down at
her. I’ve played games with her and hugged her goodnight before, but
we’ve never been close like that before. The appropriateness of it briefly
crosses my mind, but I find myself relaxing and wrapping my arms around
her before I let myself think about it too much.
 She probably misses her Dad. He probably cuddles her all the time.
And…it’s nice.
Unexpected and different, but nice.
I find myself thinking more about that than the movie, wondering
what it would be like if I had children…whether I ever will. I didn’t think I
was that bothered before - and I certainly haven’t put any effort into finding
a partner - but…well…now I’m not so sure. Being around Abbie is enough
to make me want…something.
Family, maybe.
Though I wonder if I’m just thinking that because of Gramps’ stroke.
Unbidden, I find myself thinking about the letter I had from my Mom again,
the same way I have intermittently over the last few weeks. I haven’t been
able to bring myself to reach out or do anything about it. I don’t know
whether I want to and I haven’t even had the energy to think about it. The
last thing I need right now is to introduce another emotional storm into my
life. With how fragile I feel about Gramps sometime, I don’t think I could
cope if it affected me more than I expect.
Still, I think about it. And I think about Gramps. And Abbie, and
Kenneth.
And the idea of family.
What it is, what it ever was, what it could be…
Things I’m not sure I should be thinking at all, as we cuddle up for
the movie and I slowly let myself relax.
The thoughts and feelings about the day gradually leaving me as I
sink back into the couch. Halfway through I even get ice cream and we eat
it before dinner - though I make her promise not to tell Kenneth. He strikes
me as the kind of guy who has strict rules about these things.
She giggles about it and gets far too full eating ice cream, barely eats
her dinner and spends the rest of the evening bouncing around trying to play
with me. I count that evening as a one-off failure and tell myself it’s
probably allowed.
 Everyone needs a day to make bad decisions and indulge themselves
a little bit sometimes. That’s okay.
Not that I’m planning to tell Kenneth too much about it.
I go to bed feeling strange that evening. Not in a bad way, just a little
bit confused, a little bit achy inside, and not really sure what to make of it.
Not sure whether my feelings are about Gramps or Abbie or both. Or
Kenneth. Even if he isn’t here, it’s hard not to think about him when I’m
staying in his house, looking after his daughter.
There is something about being here that feels strange in itself.
Living here, spending so much time with Abbie and setting up Skype
calls for her to talk to Kenneth…it’s almost like being a part of their life
together, their little family, but not quite. Slightly on the outside, looking in.
I can’t help wondering whether that’s how Nannies feel in general, or
whether it’s just me - just with these two.
It’s so easy to imagine what it would be like to really be part of it that
I can’t help thinking about it, even if it is silly. Even if I’m just helping
Kenneth out for a week.
Even if you’re still fantasizing about him.
I know that doesn’t help. It probably wasn’t the most sensible choice
to offer to do this, given all that, but I couldn’t help myself. He needed help
and…I wanted to give it to him. I didn’t want to see him so torn between
his job and his daughter like that.
Those thoughts don’t leave me over the week, even as I enjoy my
time with Gramps and Abbie.
I do a little bit of work, too, checking emails and dealing with the
most urgent business and anything Kenneth needs for his meetings in New
York - but mostly, I don’t need to.
I don’t know exactly what Kenneth did, but he told me he’d sorted
everything with HR - according to them, I’m just ‘working from home’ this
week. It’s even true, I guess, though I don’t think Kenneth told them whose
home I was working from. Or the type of work I’m doing. But it’s enough
that I’ll get paid for it - and with the bonus Kenneth is offering me, I feel a
little less stressed about the cost of all the therapy I’m getting Gramps.
 I feel a little less stressed in general, actually. A little less tired too,
despite the whirling storm of little-girl-energy I deal with every night. I
think I’m sleeping better, here in this amazing, stately house, with all my
time and attention able to focus on what’s really important right now:
Gramps and Abbie.

* * *

On the last day of Kenneth’s trip, I spend the whole evening trying to
convince Abbie of all the reasons why she can’t stay up to wait until he gets
in, sometime after midnight. I don’t think I do a very good job.
By the time we’re halfway through her bath time, I’m about willing
to admit that I’ve been out-debated by a four-year-old whose logic consists
entirely of ‘but I waaaaant to’, just to end the complaining and mini-
tantrums.
I can just wait for her to get tired and fall asleep, right?
I finally ‘give in’ and suggest curling up on the couch to wait and
reading one of her bedtime stories.
Or all of them, if we’re going to be there for hours.
I’m hoping that the routine might have her drifting off by the time I
finish the book and then I can carry her up to bed - but before we get
halfway through, the door opens.
Abbie jumps up and races over to it, slipping and sliding in her fluffy
socks as I try to catch up and steady her.
“It’s Daddy! It’s Daddy, it’s Daddy, it’s Daddy!” She sing-songs.
“He’s hooooome!”
“Okay, okay—careful!” I try to say, totally confused. I have no idea
if it actually is - he’s not even supposed to take off for another hour - but I
don’t know who else would have a key to the door—
“Hey there, little girl!”
Kenneth’s voice stops the jumbled thoughts, something about it
going straight through me and I step out into the hallway to see him knelt
down with Abbie scooped up in his arms.
“I knew it, I knew it!” She exclaims happily, clinging to him as he
holds her tightly.
He glances up at me briefly and I give him a small smile, but I stay
out of the way. This is their moment, not mine.
You were just here to help, remember?
“I missed you, baby girl.” He says, his voice rough as he kisses the
top of her head.
“I missed you too, Daddy.” She snuggles closer to him and he stands
up, easily lifting her up with him and letting her legs circle his wide torso.
“Did you have a good time with Jessica?” He asks encouragingly,
bouncing her as he picks up the bag he left on the floor, walking toward me.
“Uhuh.” She nods, her head moving against his shoulder.
He smiles at me again, over the top of his head. “Thanks Jessica, for
all of it.”
“That’s okay.” I meet his gaze evenly, trying to control the flush that
seems to want to rise through me, directing my focus back to Abbie instead.
“We had fun together.”
He walks past me through to the kitchen and my stomach does a little
flip-flop as he passes inches away from me. I follow, slightly bemused, and
surprised at how warm and pleased I feel to see him.
I wonder whether maybe it hasn’t just been Abbie missing him.
Which seems silly, but over the last few months, I’ve gotten used to
working alongside him and seeing him every day. His presence has been a
steady, consistent thing…and it’s noticeable when it’s not there anymore.
“I brought take-out.” He turns to me, raising an eyebrow and lifting
the bag he’s carrying.
I blink, still not quite processing that he’s back already.
“We already ate.” I say, shaking my head. “I didn’t realize you’d be
back in time, or we would have waited. I thought your flight—”
 “I was done early, so I took an earlier one. I thought I’d surprise you
both.” He says, smiling at me before turning to Abbie.
I frown, confused. Wanting to surprise Abbie, I can understand…but
me? Why wouldn’t he let me know?
“I was hoping to be back for dinner, but at least I made it back for
your bedtime, hmm, sweetie?”
Abbie mumbles something into his shoulder and I’d guess it’s not
going to be too long before she needs that. After all the energy and
excitement of waiting for him, arguing with me about letting her stay up
and then finally seeing him again, I’m not surprised that now she’s what she
wants, warm and content and wrapped up in his arms, she’s getting tired.
I don’t blame her. I can imagine just how easy it would be to fall
asleep in those arms.
As you do imagine. Far too often.
“I think I better take her up to bed, huh?” He gives me a wry smile,
glancing over his shoulder as he looks back at me. “I’ll just be a few
minutes.”
He’s gone before I can question that and I pause, suddenly unsure.
Now that he’s back, he doesn’t need me here anymore - and I would have
thought he’d want some uninterrupted time with his daughter, even in her
semi-comatose state - but a few minutes doesn’t suggest that at all.
I hesitate, not sure whether I should be packing up my things, or if
I’m staying here tonight just because that was the original plan.
It’s not that late. But…
I don’t go back to the spare room to pack. Kenneth has only just
arrived, in a whirlwind of activity that’s left me feeling slightly adrift and
unsure. I’ve enjoyed this week - it’s been different, sure, and maybe not
exactly my job description, but it’s been nice too - and even though I knew
I’d be heading back home tomorrow, that doesn’t mean I’m quite ready to
leave just yet. It might be stupid, but some part of me wants to hold onto
this for a little longer.
 Instead, I wait in the kitchen, until the smell of Kenneth’s take-out
draws me over to it. We might have had dinner, but he obviously hasn’t
yet…
I start taking it out and setting it onto a plate for him, ready to heat
up, more for something to do than anything—
“Couldn’t wait for me to get back, hm?”
The deep voice startles me and I look over my shoulder to see
Kenneth leaning against the doorway, watching me with a smile. I give him
an amused glance and shake my head.
“I was just getting it ready for you.”
He walks forward to behind me, looking over my shoulder at the
different boxes of Chinese food. I don’t move away before he gets there -
and then I’m suddenly aware of his presence against my back, close enough
that I swear I can feel him, my breathing stilling in my chest.
“You’re not joining me?” He says, his voice dropping to a murmur.
I tell myself that’s because Abbie is sleeping upstairs, but she’s so far
away it’s a ridiculous thought. Especially when that murmur works its way
into my stomach, curling pleasantly there.
I cough to try and diffuse the feeling as I shake my head.
“I already had dinner, remember?”
“Yeah, no doubt some of the nice, healthy food that I insist Abbie
eats. But she’s not looking now - we can indulge a little.” I can feel his
smile in his voice, but I don’t turn to look at him. If I did that, I’d
practically be in his arms. “C’mon, aren’t you just a little bit tempted?”
Heat rushes up my cheeks and suddenly I’m not thinking about
takeout at all.
Stop it, Jessica. This is ridiculous.
I look back at the takeout in front of me, trying to focus.
“Well, maybe just a little…”
I have to cough again to stop my voice dropping to the same low
murmur, as I tell myself I’m just talking about the takeout. Just the takeout.
 It does look pretty good.
I try to ignore the way he’s still standing there just behind me as I
dish out another portion for myself - and then he finally picks one up and
moves over to the microwave. A slight tremor runs down my back as his
presence disappears, my body relaxing a little as it releases some of the
tension.
“Good.” He responds, turning to look at me and leaning against the
counter with the now-whirring microwave. He folds his arms across his
chest and I get an immediate pulse of lust at the way it highlights the
bulging muscles there, even through his crisp white shirt. “I was hoping we
could eat together. It’s the least I can do after you staying here this week -
turn up with some good food at the end of it.”
He smiles at me and I match it, turning so my hip bumps against the
counter.
“How was the week away? Did it go well with your investors?” I ask,
genuinely interested and hoping for the best.
He’s had so much to worry about recently and I have no idea how he
juggles it all. Something has to ease up for him soon, surely?
He nods. “Well enough. They were some of the more awkward,
uncomfortable conversations I’ve had in my life - but by the time I left, they
were willing to give me enough benefit of the doubt to wait until the court
case comes in. They won’t do anything until then, at least.”
He sighs and I frown, irritated on his behalf.
“Can’t they see—you don’t deserve any of this, Kenneth. This whole
case is so unfair.”
I’ve tried to refrain from voicing too much of an opinion before, but
it’s getting to the point that I can’t help it. I can see what this is all doing to
him - and I know he’s innocent now. I might have found it hard to trust my
own instincts earlier, but every moment I spend around him just makes it
too obvious to doubt even my judgment.
“And hopefully, in a few weeks’ time when this all goes to court,
everyone else will see that too.” He smiles grimly at me, then shrugs. “But
either way, it’s done now. I won’t have another trip to New York to think
about for a long time now—”
“Don’t say that!” I admonish automatically. “You said that after you
came back last time. It’ll jinx it.”
“Mm, yeah, I’m sure that was why I had to go out this time and not,
say, a bunch of investors getting scared about the lawsuit.” His eyes sparkle
and I know he’s laughing at me.
“Who knows, maybe that’s why they got scared.” I point out and he
actually does laugh.
The microwave pings behind him and he pulls out his plate,
swapping it for my own as the enticing scent of takeout steams between us.
“Either way, it’s done now, and there are better things to be thinking
about.” He continues, then looks across at me again. “How was everything
here?”
“It was good.” I say, chewing my lip slightly, suddenly unsure. I
don’t know exactly what he was expecting from my stay here, but I figure I
did a good enough job. “I think Abbie had a good time - and everything
worked out fine.”
“And your grandfather?” His voice softens as he says it.
“He…he’s a bit better, I think. I think…maybe…he’s making
progress.” I say slowly, feeling like I actually believe it as I say it.
“Good.” I look up to see Kenneth a few steps closer to me, the
intensity back in his eyes as he looks at me. “I’m really glad, Jessica.”
The compassion there makes me swallow glance away before
meeting his eyes.
“It’s been…really good…to have more time to see him. I think it’s
made a difference.”
He nods, and the understanding in his expression goes right through
me. “If you want some more time off…”
“No, that’s okay. I just wanted to thank you, for whatever you
arranged.”
 “Believe me, you’re not the one that needs to say thank you here.” He
takes another step so that he’s standing in front of me, his hand settling on
my arm where it’s resting on the counter, sending an electric jolt through
me. My eyes dart to his and I can feel them widen as my heart beats a little
faster.
Stop it. Don’t be stupid, Jessica.
“Thank you for taking care of Abbie.” He murmurs gently. “Again.”
“That’s okay - I enjoyed it. It was…nice…being here with her.” I
swallow, not quite sure what I mean by that, knowing I’m thinking far too
much of what it was like living here, feeling at times like I was an actual
part of their little family. Knowing it, but still having all those emotions
“Sometimes I think you’re doing a better job of that than me.”
His eyes linger on me, warm and…something else, too.
I shake my head. “No, you—”
He kisses me before I can finish, his lips pressing into mine and
driving everything else from me. I don’t even freeze from the shock,
melting into it almost before I can work out what’s happening, as his other
hand comes up to rest behind my head, tugging me closer.
I go willingly, moaning slightly as his tongue parts my lips and lust
curls through me.
“God…Jessica…” He mutters and the heat there has my heart
thudding wildly in my chest, pulses of energy rushing through me as my
mind tries to make sense of what’s going on, tries to fight my body for
some semblance of control.
It doesn’t have a chance. This has been too long coming. Too much
that I’ve thought about, wanted, needed, and been unable to do anything
about.
Too long working with him side-by-side, seeing too much of the man
he is now.
The boy I used to love.
The man who has stolen his way into my every thought. My every
fantasy. My every need.
 He shifts so that he’s pressing me against the counter and I surrender
to him, my hands coming up to his head and pulling it further into mine, my
legs spreading for the thigh he presses closer to me. I gasp from the burning
need it creates, the way my pussy seems to spasm out of control and a
distant part of my mind wonders whether he used to affect me like that.
I don’t seem to remember it that way, but then…time does strange
things.
Or maybe it’s him. All grown up and changed and…and…
His hands tangle in my hair, tilting my head up as his mouth
threatens to devour me, stealing my breath and need and lust as we make
out with a desperate urgency I don’t think I’ve ever felt before.
I’m grinding against his thigh, I know I am, but I can’t help it - and I
can hear him groaning against my mouth as he nips on my bottom lip,
sending shudders and shivers through me.
“This is…all…I’ve been thinking about.” He mutters to me and I
shudder again.
I can’t say anything, I can’t admit it out loud. I don’t know what
would happen if I did - and the last thing I want to risk is any of this
stopping. I can’t think about it. All I can do is follow his lead.
So I just moan - lightly, softly against his mouth.
It seems to be enough for him. He picks me up, lifting me as if I
weigh nothing and settling my legs around his hips as he starts carrying me
out of the kitchen. Distantly, very distantly, the microwave pings behind us,
but neither of us are thinking about takeout anymore.
I cling to him, the way I haven’t dared admit to myself that I want to,
my arms around his neck as we continue kissing even like this. I have no
idea how he can see where he’s going, but I trust him. He’s not going to
drop me - and I don’t care about anything else.
I squirm against the belt of his pants, feeling the pressure of the bulge
underneath and wanting more.
It should scare me, wanting so much, so soon, but it’s been in the
back of my mind since that kiss.
 Since I saw him again, if I’m honest about it.
In my thoughts, my fantasies, my half-lucid dreams.
Him. Just him.
I can’t think of anything else until he takes us both down onto the
couch, still holding me as our bodies twist together and he continues kissing
me, his lips and tongue and teeth grazing over my mouth, down my neck
and along my collarbone. I shudder and have to stop myself from moaning
too loudly, my legs hooking around his body as I lean my head back and
just indulge in the feeling of it all.
When he finally looks up, eyes glittering darkly and full of heated
promise as they rake across my face, I can’t help smirking at him.
“Making out on the couch?” I ask and I can hear the heat in my own
voice. “Haven’t we outgrown that?”
“I’m not sure I could ever outgrow making out with you.” He growls,
the deep tone making me shudder as I relax back into the couch, tilting my
neck back to expose more of myself.
He takes the invitation immediately, his fingers popping the buttons
on my blouse open with an ease that surprises me - until his head dips and
he kisses the tops of my breasts, his stubble brushing against the soft skin
there. Then I can’t wonder about anything at all.
All I can do is hold on and surrender to the attention, to the way just
feeling him against me is driving me crazy and sending warmth rushing
through me. An aching need is already pooling inside me and I can’t help
grinding against me, feeling the tight bulge in his pants as he responds, his
hands reaching around the inside of my blouse to unclasp my bra. I run the
strap down my arm, shimmying it off and then gasp as my breasts tumble
out and his mouth closes on a nipple, licking and sucking immediately.
I gasp, bucking up into him and pulling his head down, wanting
more, the electricity and energy running through me feeling impossibly
addictive.
My god. If I thought the fantasies were good…
 “Fuck, Jessie…” His breath rumbles over my chest, the pleasant
vibrations running through me. “I missed this.”
Missed this?
My mind catches on that. It’s been years. So many years. Does he
even remember…
I don’t get another chance to think about it before his mouth and
hands completely distract me, pushing me closer and closer to an ecstasy
that’s been so long. I start regretting not making more effort to find
someone these last few years - and then regret losing him all over again.
Then all of the thinking disappears as I’m fighting not to moan too
loudly, twisting my head and pressing my mouth into the soft cushion
behind me as the need within me builds higher and higher.
And all he’s doing is…fuck…
“Kenneth…” I breathe, trying to pull him up, kissing him again,
breathless and passionate and desperate as I grind against him. “Keeenn…”
I moan, the need in it obvious.
Ken.
I haven’t called him that in…
“I want you, Jessica.” He whispers in my ear, sending another
shudder through me. “I’ve wanted you since the moment you walked into
my office. I’ve thought about you every day since. It’s been the…fucking
hardest thing…holding myself back.”
“Don’t.” I interrupt before he can say anything else, the need in me
impossible to resist.
And I know that this time, I’m not going to resist. I don’t think I can
anymore. Not after spending every day working with him. Not after
meeting Abbie. Spending the week at his place.
Realizing just how much I missed him.
“Don’t hold back.” I say again, my voice breathy and urgent. “Not
anymore. I need…you.”
 It comes out as a moan, my hands already tearing at his shirt,
fumbling far more with his buttons than he did with mine. Not caring, too
caught up in being able to see him. Touch him. Taste him.
He catches my mouth in mine, his hands coming up to help me and
within moments the shirt is discarded on the floor and he’s already working
his belt off. My hands roam over the firm muscles, the slight spattering of
hair soft against my fingers as I drink him in. His belt comes off and my
gaze goes lower, fixing on the bulge there as something deep inside me
spasms in need. I urge him on, gasping for air in between kisses and not
wanting to slow down in the slightest.
I tug his pants down at the same time as he pulls my skirt up.
“Have I said…how much…I love these skirts…” He pulls again and
it rides up over my hips, exposing my lacy black panties to him as he runs a
hand down my thigh.
I shudder, wetness pooling inside of me and leaking out, creating a
damp patch that I know from the glaze of his eyes that he’s seen. He shifts
on the couch, kicking his pants off - but making me groan in frustration as
he settles down between my thighs before I can see the result. I have to
settle for the shifting muscles of his back as his mouth whispers against the
top of my thighs, tracing kisses and gentle nips all along the soft skin.
I clutch his shoulders, my fingers digging in hard as he spreads my
legs with his hands, their large strength holding me easily and making me
whimper against him. It feels like every little kiss sends electricity right
through me and—
Oh fuck.
I arch back against the couch as his finger strokes across my panties,
running a line along the oh-so-sensitized skin and making it impossible to
think about anything else. I try to close my legs around him, bring him in
further, demand more…but he’s insistent, trailing his mouth up and down
my thighs while his fingers slowly caress my panties.
“Keennneeth…” I moan, my hips bucking up against him as he
teases me. “Fuck…”
 He chuckles, the breath brushing across my skin before he slips my
panties to the side and flicks my entrance with his tongue. I almost buckle
right then and there, the pure pleasure going straight through me. Instead, I
cling onto him as he slowly starts exploring, groaning with his own need at
what he tastes of me.
Oh fuck. Oh. Oh my. Ohh…
I bite down on my lip to keep the sounds from escaping, dimly aware
of Abbie just upstairs, as I give myself over to what he’s doing to me. His
tongue works up and down my entrance, firm and slow and enough to
tantalize and awaken every nerve there before starting to flick over my clit
and press inside me. It makes me moan and gasp almost incoherently, my
head thrown back against the couch, and then he’s stepping it up, going
further, his fingers slipping into me while his tongue strokes over and
around my clit.
“Damn, you feel so…tight…”
He mutters, right against me, and I groan again. This is driving me
crazy. The heat inside me is building to an insane level and I can feel it
there, ready to tip over the edge…but I know I want more. I want him. I
want to feel every part of him and as hot as his tongue against me is, it’s not
nearly enough right now.
I want to be…so much…closer.
“Want…you…”
I can’t manage much more, but the way I’m already almost
convulsing around his hand obviously makes it clear enough. He pulls
himself up over me again, his mouth tangling with mine and I get another
rush of heat to realize I’m tasting myself on his tongue.
“Good.” He mutters against me. “Because as much as I want to draw
this out…I’m not sure I can wait much longer.”
Everything within me echoes that sentiment and as he leans back I
finally get to see what I’ve been wanting this whole time. His thick cock
jumps up between us, hard and ready as he grips it between his strong
fingers. The sight is enough to make me sigh, anticipation rushing through
me.
 He grins at me, as if he knows exactly what I’m thinking.
“This is what you wanted?” He asks, stroking it in front of me. My
pussy spasms again.
“Soo much.” I moan, my hips rising up eagerly and his eyes flash as
he lowers himself down to me.
His knees spread my legs open and he positions himself, his cock
butting against my entrance and making every nerve scream out in need as
he holds himself over me. So close our eyes feel inches apart, the intensity
there striking right to my core as he finally - finally - thrusts inside.
My mouth opens on a cry I fight to keep silent as it lights up
everything inside me, the explosion of pleasure and sensation rocking
through me with an intensity I can’t ever remember. All the build-up in the
world couldn’t compare to what the last few months have been for us, to
seeing him and wanting him every day, and trying to deny the whole thing
to myself.
I wrap my arms around his neck and he kisses me passionately as he
deepens his thrusts, striking up a steady rhythm that doesn’t quite give me a
moment to get my breath, to absorb what this is or what we’re doing. To
fully revel in the magnitude of it.
Instead, I’m rising to meet him, every nerve on edge and shivering
with every stroke he gives me. I whimper against his neck, burying myself
as I take him all, his cock stretching and filling me in a way that blows apart
every fantasy I ever had.
I’m full and whole and so totally right as our bodies move together,
the power and strength of him above me giving me exactly what I need.
“Fuck…fucking…perfect.” I mutter against him, barely even aware
of what I’m saying, and I can almost feel the way he lights up under me, the
heated grin against my neck.
He starts moving faster, thrusting into me harder with each stroke,
coming almost the whole way out before plunging into me again and
lighting up every nerve ending I have. The friction has me moaning and I
press my lips against his neck, trying to quieten myself even as my body
races toward the kind of explosion I can’t remember ever facing - not even
with Kenneth, all those years ago.
Heat and need build inside me, a twin ache that pulses with every
firm stroke inside me, his firm cock stretching me wide in a way that I
know I’m going to feel tomorrow. I can already feel the anticipation of it,
the warm satisfaction that I hadn’t even realized I was missing.
Just as I think I can’t take anymore - that I’m going to fly over the
edge at any moment - his hand snakes down between us, flicking my clit
and making me scream silently against his shoulder.
Fuuuuck…
“I want to…feel you…around my cock…” He grunts against me, and
I can tell from his labored breathing that he’s at the edge of his control too.
The idea of that - spasming and pulsing around his cock - fills my
mind and with his clever fingers driving me crazy, the next time he drives
into me I can’t hold back anymore. He sends me hurtling over the edge,
heat and pleasure rocking through me as my whole body lights up with the
sensation. I cling to him, my pussy spasming and pulsing - and in the next
instant, he buries himself deep and groans, his cock twitching and streams
of warmth flooding me.
“Ohh god…” I moan.
I keep moaning. I’ve stopped thinking about being quiet entirely.
I just sink into the feeling, the warmth of it spreading through me as
my body still rocks with aftershocks from the climax. I give myself over to
it, my mind leaving everything else behind as our sweaty bodies slide
together, twisting around each other as the frantic energy gives way to a
languid relief.
His arms come around me and I curl into them, his body surrounding
me completely as I relax more deeply than I can remember since Gramps
had his second stroke. Or, hell, maybe even his first one.
Or maybe since he left all those years ago…
“I needed that.” He murmurs, kissing my hair and the start of that
thought drifts away before it can even form.
 “Me too.” I whisper, quietly enough that I don’t know whether he
hears me.
As I settle into his arms, my mind and body floating somewhere
warm and content and slightly dazed, I can’t help thinking I needed this
part too.

OceanofPDF.com
 Chapter Seventeen
Kenneth

That night together is all it takes - after that, we can’t keep our hands
off each other.
All the desire I’d been trying to suppress and ignore the whole time
she’s been working for me has finally been let loose, and it’s enough to
swamp everything else.
The next few days at work, I can’t stop looking at her. Or wanting
her. Or touching her. Every time she comes close, looking at me a certain
way, I can’t help it. Neither of us can. That energy sparks between us and
somehow she ends up in my arms, my hand buried in her hair and our
mouths crushed together with a kind of frenzy I’ve never known.
I can’t even compare it back to when we were kids, because I’m
pretty sure that frenzy was also slightly awkward and clumsy…and this is
anything but. If anything, it’s almost scary in how intent and serious and
real it feels.
Pure, unadulterated, grown-up desire. Whole. All-encompassing.
The sort of need that kid back then never could have imagined.
It’s stupid, too. Risky. We shouldn’t be doing this - not here, where
we’re supposed to be working. We both know that. We keep reminding each
other about that.
It’s just really hard to care right now.
Not with Jessica in my arms, all over me, her heavy breathing in my
ear, the half-moans she bites down on…god, she drives me crazy.
Everything about her. And from the look in her eyes, it’s not just me feeling
that.
There are so many things unspoken between us, things we haven’t
talked about, things that I know we need to.
The past. Our history. Our jobs. This whole working-and-fucking-
together thing we’ve started doing, that we both know is crazy stupid.
 What this is. What it could be. What we want.
I know all those things. They’re on the tip of my tongue - and I want
to tell her.
It’s just hard to focus on any of that when everything we are doing
feels so damn good.
The knock at my door brings me out of yet another reverie - and the
object of the fantasy I was just having walks in. The slow smile she always
brings out of me slides across my face as she steps inside and nudges the
door behind her.
My open door policy was the first casualty of what we’ve been
doing. The red-hot energy between us sometimes feels hot enough that even
if we weren’t doing anything, if someone else came by, it would be
impossible for them not to see the electricity jumping between us. All it
takes right now is a look - a smile - a slight suggestion…
“The documents you requested from Sales came through.” She says,
and though her voice starts off totally professional, by the end it’s dropped
to a murmur, as if she’s talking about something far more risque than my
Sales department.
She walks forward to place them on my desk and all I can see is the
way her tight pencil skirt shifts against her thighs. I swear those have gotten
become over the last few days - and maybe even shorter too - and she’s
wearing glossy tights that make her beautiful legs shimmer as she moves.
When my eyes flick back up to her face, I catch the knowing glint in
her smile there and feel my cock responding immediately.
She’s doing it deliberately.
The thought just makes it hotter.
I stand up before she can turn to go, stepping around the desk and
close to her - watching her breath hitch with my nearness before I lean
against the desk, running one hand over the skirt and down her ass.
“You’re a tease.” I murmur, pulling her closer into me. “How do you
expect me to concentrate on sales figures if you come in like that.”
 “Like what?” She arches an eyebrow at me, looking at me with a
sparkle in her eyes. “I’m not the one who keeps finding ways to get me all
pressed up against him, sir.”
She looks pointedly down at where she’s standing in between my
legs, her body tantalizingly close now. My cock pulses as she says ‘sir’ and
I groan slightly.
“God, that’s hot.” I grin at her. “I like the way you say that.”
“Pervert.” She mutters, smiling back. “Doesn’t it seem a bit cliche to
you - the whole office thing? Fantasizing about having your secretary under
the desk…”
“How do you know I’ve been fantasizing about—” I catch the look
on her face just as heat rises across mine, and I almost growl as I stand up
and pull her into my arms. “Because you’ve been fantasizing about it too.”
She laughs, flushing herself, but her eyes are wide and full of
pleasure as I lean down to kiss her.
“Kenneth…” She breathes, her objection swallowed as she sinks into
the kiss.
She still looks around when we break apart, at the empty hallways
just visible through the half-mast blinds, the way she always does. My
office is in a separate space to everyone else - the only people that come
down here do so to see me.
She’s still in charge of my schedule - she knows exactly who to
expect. But she looks anyway, her pulse rising in her neck, and I know it’s
from a combination of the thrill and the fear. The idea someone might see
us.
“I wasn’t into the office thing until you, you know.” I murmur, my
mouth kissing and nipping at her ear. “I didn’t start having fantasies about
my secretary until you become that secretary. But now I can’t stop. It’s all I
can think about. Having you bent over my desk…under it…watching you
walk around in those…damn…tight…skirts…”
I trail kisses back to her mouth, taking it firmly in mine again and
parting her lips with my tongue. Exploring her. Tasting her. Feeling like it’s
never going to be enough.
 I twist us around so she’s leaning against the desk, pressing her into it
with the weight of my body and letting my hands roam over the sexy blouse
she’s wearing. It’s got little bees on it, sexy and adorable as I run my hands
over her full chest. She’s wearing my favorite lacy white bra - I’ve never
seen it, but it’s my favorite because every time I run my hands across her
breasts, it’s low enough that I can feel her hard nipples straining to get out -
and I groan as I kiss her.
Her hands rise around my neck, holding onto me as she hops onto the
desk, her legs spreading to let me stand inside. I pull her ass closer to the
edge, the hard bulge of my cock pressing against my slacks and making me
long for more, the dark opening of that pencil skirt so inviting…
She catches me looking, one hand drawing my face back to hers as I
kiss her again, my hand sliding along her thigh and up into that enticing
space. I feel her shudder under me, scooting forward instinctively and
making the pencil skirt ride up even higher. My cock pulses again as I lean
in, pressing myself up against her, and I can barely believe how hot and
ready I feel for her, all the time.
“Kenneth…” She moans slightly and I capture her mouth with mine
again. “This is a bad idea.”
“I know.” I say, parting enough to grin at her. “I haven’t made bad
decisions in a long time. I’d forgotten how fun they are.”
She laughs and it warms me all the way through, my mouth back on
hers in an instant, catching the delicate, beautiful sound of her pleasure as
we grind against each other, my hands on her ass pulling her up against me.
I dip my head down and kiss and nibble along her neck, the gorgeous
smooth skin flushing under my touch.
“This is real, Jessica.” I look back up at her suddenly, the feeling too
overwhelming not to say. “I meant everything I said to you that night. This
isn’t just a hot fling for me. This is…everything.”
The words tumble out of me and I can feel how intense my gaze is on
her face. I need her to know how serious I am.
“This is crazy.” She whispers back, her eyes wide as she takes me in.
“We shouldn’t be…”
 “I know.” I say, kissing her again anyway. “There are a dozen reasons
not to - but I don’t care about any of them. I need you to know that, Jessica.
I never gave up on something I wanted just because it was hard - I’m not
about to start now.”
I pull her closer toward me, our bodies pressed hard up against each
other, unable to help how much I want - how much I need - to feel her. I
can’t remember the last time I wanted anything so much.
“Kenneth…”
I can see the hesitation as she looks at me - and it’s more than just
this is a bad idea or everything going on around us. I know exactly what it
is.
“I know there are things we haven’t talked about, Jessie.” I say softly,
my fingers stroking her chin and tilting it up towards me. “We never got to
have that coffee date I wanted, you know, or talked about things.”
I can see the fear in her eyes and it’s almost physically painful. I just
want to fix it - to heal things and take it all away. I know why it’s there. I
know I put it there. It might be the stupidest thing I ever did.
But I’m going to fix it. Whatever it takes.
“We still need to do that.” I say, leaning in to kiss her again, just a
soft brush of our lips before I murmur against them. “Let’s go somewhere
tomorrow night - get a few drinks. Talk for a little while.”
“I…I don’t…”
“Please.” I say softly, still touching her. Still holding that wide,
beautiful gaze. “Will you give it a chance?”
She swallows, a visible movement that I follow with my eyes as I try
not to notice the thumping of my heart or the aching uncertainty there.
Please tell me I didn’t screw everything up for good.
“Okay.” She finally whispers, her eyes flicking down so I can’t read
them.
I lean forward to kiss her again, everything inside me relaxing with
the relief.
“Thank you.”
 “But…” She looks at me, some of the shadows still in her gaze - but
the desire there too, the same hope that I feel deep inside me. “What…what
if…”
What if it doesn’t work.
I know what she’s thinking.
What if she can’t get over it.
I don’t want to think about that. I don’t want to believe it. I can’t.
“We’ll talk.” I repeat, leaning into her again. “We’ll talk until it’s all
behind us and we can move forward the way we want to. But there’s no
way we’re not going to move forward, Jessie. Whatever I have to do.”
She shudders slightly under me but I can see something in her relax a
little too.
“You think?” She asks, and it sounds more vulnerable than I’ve heard
her for a long time. Enough that it takes me back to all those years ago.
“I know.” I say, with the same surety that I gave her so long ago. The
same reassurance. The same certainty.
For me, there’s no other outcome.
“Okay.” She says again, some of the light coming back to her eyes as
she reaches forward to hug me, repeating it with far more conviction in her
voice. “Okay. We’ll do that.”
I smile, leaning down to kiss her again.
That’s my girl.
I can see the mental shift in her and even though I don’t have any
right to feel it anymore, I can’t help the pride that washes through me.
She’s more resilient than she was.
It’s a bittersweet thought, as I wonder whether some of that is
because I made her need to be - after what I did all those years ago.
“Are you going to let me go?” She asks after a moment, giving me a
little smile, and I shrug the thought off, bringing my attention back to
what’s right in front of me.
I smile back, feeling it become a smirk. “Do I have to?”
 “Y—”
I pull her up, lifting her so she’s standing against the desk again, and
kiss her deeply. She melts into me and it relaxes some of those lingering
concerns, the worry about everything that happened years ago that’s been at
the back of my mind for too long. When we’re like this, all that seems a
world away - like it can’t possibly affect anything now.
A fantasy I very much want to indulge.
I let my hands wander down her back, tugging the skirt back over her
ass and wondering whether it’s too outrageously creased from all of this.
“Kenneth…” There’s laughter in her voice as she tries to wriggle out
from my arms. “We really shouldn’t be doing this here.”
“So you’ve said.” I grin at her, glad to hear the ease back in her voice
again. Whatever might happen tomorrow, at least it hasn’t disrupted today
too much. “But I don’t think you’re going to stop me.”
I advance on her again and she giggles as she tries to protest, looking
around at the empty hallways again.
“I told you, no one—”
The sudden ringing of the phone right beside us on the desk startles
me - and she jumps apart from me, looking at it guiltily, which only makes
me laugh.
“Shit.” She says, despite my obvious amusement. “Your three
o’clock. With your lawyer.”
“Mm.” I say, non-committal. I can think of much better things to be
doing than talking to Patrick, but I step back from her anyway.
“To discuss that sexual harassment lawsuit.” She says pointedly,
glaring at me.
I just laugh, leaning back against the desk as my hand hovers over
the phone.
“I might be seeing sexual harassment in a whole different light now.”
I wink at her.
“Kenneth!” She says, halfway between outrage and trying to
suppress her own laughter. “It’s not a joke.”
 I snort. “The whole damn thing has always been a joke…it just took
you to make me see the funny side of it.”
“Answer the damn phone, idiot.”
“Yes, Ma’am.” I wink at her as I pick it up, totally missing Patrick’s
greeting as I watch her roll her eyes and swivel on her heel, stalking out
decisively. My eyes follow her legs and ass the whole time.
“Kenneth?” The voice in my ear repeats - and then the door in front
of me mercifully closes.
It doesn’t quite bring my full concentration back to me, but enough
that I clear my throat and answer semi-appropriately.
“The other side have finally decided to play ball - just before I was
going to petition the judge, too. Looks like they’re not going to fumble as
much as we hoped. It’s going all the way.”
“Huh?” I say, still distracted enough that I can’t work out exactly
what he’s talking about.
“The witness list came through today.” He says, his tone grim.
I look up at that, the last wisps of fantasy clearing as my focus
narrows.
“I’ll send it through now - but Kenneth, you know you can’t do
anything, don’t you? That wouldn’t be good right now.”
“I know.” I say, but my voice is hard at the prospect.
Just who the hell is willing to appear in court and spread lies about
me in sworn testimony?
He doesn’t say much more - which I’m grateful for, as I’m not sure I
would have been in the best place for listening after that announcement -
and when it finally comes through, I spend a while sitting in front of my
computer looking at the list of names.
I recognize several people who we had to let go over the last couple
of years - most in Sales, but not all - and then there are some others I don’t
know. Not all of them related to ExVenture, so I’d guess Danielle has
character witnesses from other places, though I’ve no idea how that can
really be relevant.
 The secretary she had here at ExVenture is listed - but since the girl
transferred with Danielle to her new place of employment, that’s not too
surprising. Galling, and possibly a problem at the trial, but I probably could
have guessed she’d back her employer up.
There’s only one that really sticks out at me, though.
Amanda Speed.
She worked as part of Danielle’s sales team - and when Danielle left,
she was promoted to co-running that same sales team. I’ve talked to her a
dozen times since then. We’ve been in meetings together. We’ve discussed
pitches together. We’ve presented to clients.
She’s been in exactly the same environment that Danielle was - the
same environments Danielle accused me of sexual harassment within. Not
alone, admittedly, because she’s co-running the team with the other lead,
Dan, but still…
She’s never said anything. Never given any hint…
And I’ve never once suspected she’d do something like this.
I shake my head, my gaze fixated on that name for a long time.
I don’t understand it. I’m not sure I ever will.
I think about it for a long time, before I realize I’m not even angry.
I’d expected to be. I’d thought this list would send me into a flying
rage or something.
Instead, I’m a little surprised, a little sad and a little resigned. But
nothing more.
I glance at the closed door to my office, considering that, and my
mind drifts toward drinks with Jessica tomorrow and what I’m going to say
to her - the same things I’ve been thinking about all week.
I look at her name again - Amanda Speed, who would’ve thought it -
before I realize that it doesn’t really matter that much. Not the lawsuit, and
not Amanda.
There are more important things to think about.

OceanofPDF.com
 Chapter Eighteen
Jessica

I spend far too long trying to decide what to wear to work the next
day.
What kind of outfit is right for both work and an after work ‘talk’
that might be a date with the ex you’re kind-of-seeing again?
None, that’s what. Absolutely nothing I own works for all that. I’m
not sure there’s anything in the world that would.
In the end, I settle for my first choice of a cute baby pink blouse and
my typical black pencil skirt. Not the extra short one that I bought on a
whim at the weekend. The perfectly respectable, no-ulterior-motives one I
bought before I even started this job.
I feel too nervous to want to risk things getting…out of hand…at
work today.
Like they have every other day this week.
I know I should have more reasons than just this talk to impose a
little control on myself at work - but damn it, after so long spent lusting
after him and fantasizing about things I shouldn’t…then that explosive
night together, can you blame me?
When Kenneth is right there in front of me. Being his impossibly hot
self. Smiling at me, saying things, that heat in his gaze suggesting…
It makes me groan just thinking about it.
That’s the only possible reason I can give for how wildly
irresponsible I’ve been this week - hell, both of us have been this week.
Catching up on the last ten years.
After the mind-blowing sex we had at his house on Friday night, I
couldn’t have resisted all those little touches, the kisses we’ve been
sneaking in his office and the dirty things he’s suggested, even if I’d wanted
to. And I didn’t. Not at all.
Not until today, anyway.
 Today, I’m far too on edge to want to be around him for more than a
minute at a time. I leave documents in his office when he leaves for
meetings, I barely look at him as he walks past my desk and the summaries
I give him are so hurried I doubt he hears a word I say.
I can feel him watching me the whole time, obviously aware that I’m
being really fucking weird, but he doesn’t say anything about it.
I guess he’s leaving all that until tonight.
Tonight.
Damn. Tonight.
When we…talk.
It’s crazy how much more terrifying the thought of that is than all the
kissing and fucking we’ve been doing secretly in his office, sneaking away
on lunch breaks or scheduling ‘important meeting’s in his calendar.
I’ve never been this hormone-and-lust driven in my life. Even when I
visit Gramps every evening, it’s a struggle to pay attention sometimes, my
mind wandering to what I was doing with Kenneth only hours before, or
what he might be doing right then, or what we could be doing together. I’d
feel bad, except that Gramps is still making progress, and if anything his
eyes seem to sparkle even more when he notices my mind drifting. He
hasn’t asked anything, thank god, but I have an uneasy feeling it’s only a
matter of time.
It doesn’t even compare to when we were sixteen and sneaking away
for much the same thing back then, full of teenage excitement and
anticipation. I mean, sure, it might be the same activity - but we’re adults
now. We have responsibilities - things that are a little more important than
turning up for Ms. White’s math test.
We’re breaking all the rules and we really shouldn’t be.
We should care more. We should stop.
We haven’t.
It’s like something else has taken over my body and I’ve forgotten
every sensible thing I’ve ever known, all because of him. I tell him over and
over again we shouldn’t be doing this, and it’s like agreeing that between
ourselves is enough - like that’s all we need to do to feel comfortable
enough…to continue.
We’re going to get caught. I know we are. There’s no way we can
keep this up and not get caught - but it’s not enough to stop us.
All the reasons aren’t enough to stop us.
But tonight? Well, maybe that will do it.
I’ve refused to let myself think about the past - or the future, or
anything at all really. I’ve been running on pure lust and this crazy intense
need for him, surrendering to everything my body is craving and telling
myself it’s just a physical thing.
The kind of chemistry you only ever read about, that’s all. A simple
fling that we’ll burn ourselves out of.
Nothing more.
It can’t be - not with our past. Not with everything that happened
between us.
How could I ever trust him enough again for it to be more than that?
I know better than that, surely. This is lust. Just lust.
Then why the hell are you so scared?
The day moves unbearably slowly and also breathtakingly fast - and
the closer we get to the evening, the harder it is to silence the voice in the
back of my mind that keeps telling me that somehow, I’ve fallen head-over-
heels all over again.
For Kenneth. The boy that left me.
I don’t know how whether I can deal with that again. I don’t know…if
I can do it.
I’m not sure whether I’m more scared of finding out that I can’t - or
that I can - and the only thing I can think about all day is what we’re going
to talk about this evening. My mind races with a dozen things I want to say
to him, things I’ve kept bottled up for so long that I’m not sure whether
when I try to speak them, anything at all will come out. I keep trying to
work out what I want from him - what he could possibly say to fix or
change the past, to let me believe again in something that crushed me once
before - but I don’t know. I just don’t know.
By the time Kenneth approaches at the end of the day and stops
beside my desk long after everyone else has left, my nerves are almost out
of control.
I know he’s right - I know we need to talk about all this - but I also…
can’t work out how to feel.
I don’t want this to go wrong. I don’t want to lose whatever crazy
thing we’re doing right now. But I don’t know whether I can deal with
everything that happened - or if this can possibly end up okay.
“Are you ready?” He asks, his deep voice almost gentle as he smiles
at me. There’s a knowing look in his eyes that makes me wonder how much
of what I’m feeling he can sense.
No.
I think it - I’m not sure I’m ever going to be ready to talk about all
that or dredge it all up again - but I don’t say it. Instead, I take a deep breath
and try to remind myself of what he said yesterday.
That we’ll talk until it’s all behind us. Whatever it takes.
I want so badly to believe him that I make myself push aside my
doubts, at least for the moment. I can give him that, at least.
“Yeah.” I finally say, pushing back my chair to stand up and glancing
around. “Yeah. I think so.”
He smiles at me and grabs my coat before I can reach for it, holding
it out for me to step into. My heart stutters a little as I take the offer,
something flip-flopping inside me.
Okay, maybe it is more ‘date’ than ‘talk’…
He takes my arm in his and I get another set of flutters in my
stomach.
He never used to do that when—when we were sixteen? Yeah. It fits
better on the man he’s become.
“Are you sure…” I glance around, a little nervous. We don’t know
that everyone has left the building, do we?
 “Yes.” He says, his voice firm and unyielding. “I’m sure.”
I don’t try to argue as we make our way down to the parking lot,
instead taking the opportunity to walk close to him and enjoy the warmth of
his body next to me. It already feels like my skin is aching for his touch,
after all my avoidance today, and this is a nice, non-threatening way to get a
sense of that. Not too much - not kissing or—
That thought dies the moment we get into the elevator and he turns
toward me, pulling me in to take my mouth in his.
Oh god. Oh fuck.
“I’ve missed you, Jessie.” He growls against my lips and my heart
speeds up again, my body melting into his and my libido ramping up within
moments.
“I was there…all day.”
He pulls back to give me a deliberate look. “You know what I mean.”
My pulse thumps in my throat and I swallow. “I…just…”
“You needed space.” He kisses me again, just a brush of lips over
mine as the elevator ‘pings’ and the doors start to open. “I get that - and you
can have whatever you need. I just wanted you to know I missed you.”
His hand strokes my cheek lightly, his eyes lingering on mine for a
moment before he steps forward and I match his pace almost blindly, my
mind too stuck on his words - and that touch.
Damn. Everything about him is just a total sensory overload.
I barely register anything else as he walks me over to his car and
holds the door for me - he really is going overboard with this whole
gentleman thing, huh - and it’s a few minutes into the drive before I glance
around and dimly realize it’s a really nice car. Plush leather seats, wooden
dashboard and all sorts of fancy buttons I can only guess at.
“Where are we going?” I ask, after a few moments.
He gives me a small smile. “One of my favorite bars - quiet and
intimate.”
The way his voice lingers on intimate has me thinking about other
things all over again.
 “We’ll get a couple of drinks together, catch up for a little while.”
He reaches over to take my hand, squeezing it, and I try not to worry
too much about what we’re going to talk about. The way he says it, it
sounds nice.
“Okay.” I say after a moment, squeezing his hand back.
He keeps it there, though, his thumb stroking over my skin for the
rest of the short journey. It feels nice, and something about that scares me a
little.
This isn’t sex or hot lust or passion. It’s…something else.
He pulls into a hotel parking lot and as we get out and he reclaims
my arm, startling me slightly.
“Shouldn’t we be a bit more…you know.” I ask quietly, looking at all
the people walking down the street around us.
When there was no one around in the office, okay, but with so many
people around…shouldn’t we be a little less…together?
He raises an eyebrow at me, obviously following my thoughts.
“At the office where we both work, sure. But in the middle of town?
Where everyone is just going about their business and lost in their own
lives? Here, we can do what we want.”
As if to prove his point, he pulls me in and kisses me again. Shivers
go down my spine and I can’t deny I love the way he keeps doing that, the
intimacy he has no problem showing all the time - but as we break apart, I
look around at the upscale area of town and can’t help feeling slightly
uneasy.
Is my instinctive discretion really just because of workplace
sensitivity? Because I’m seeing the boss and we’re…doing this?
I don’t get a chance to think about it, or voice anything else, before
he’s guiding me into the large building, nodding to the doormen as we pass
them. If he hadn’t very specifically said bar I’d wonder at walking into a
hotel together and just what he was intending - but we head up the wide
flight of stairs and into a separate area without ever nearing reception.
 Instead, he pushes open a set of double doors and we step into a
small bar area, full of tasteful leather-and-wood decor and low-key lighting
from above. There’s a bar to the side that we order drinks at, and as we wait
I notice several adjoining rooms branching off from this space, providing
different kinds of atmosphere. In one, I can hear a group of guys talking and
laughing - but the rest of the area is as quiet as Kenneth said. Apart from
another couple sat further down at the bar from us, I’m not sure there’s
anyone else here.
“Is this okay for you?” Kenneth asks quietly, and I look back to see
him watching my expression.
I can feel his quiet concern, and
“Yes.” I nod, meaning it. “It looks like a lovely place.”
Our drinks come before he can say anything else and he leads me
through to one of the smaller rooms off to the side. We take the couple of
armchairs seated next to each other toward the end of the room, beside a
small fire. I shrug my coat off with a small sigh of relief and Kenneth looks
over at me, smiling.
“Still cold all the time?” He asks, a knowing fondness in his gaze.
I get a sudden flashback to when we were younger and I used to
practically jump on him whenever we met up, nestling into the warmth of
his body and insisting on walking around like that whenever it was cold
outside.
He’s still that warm. Or maybe warmer, since he got bigger and filled
out.
“Yeah…sometimes.” I say, my earlier uncertainty coming back again,
the past feeling heavy in my mind.
I look up at him and pause, the reality of being here with him - of
being there to talk about all of that - hitting me hard. Now that we’re here, I
suddenly have no idea what to say.
“I…”
“No, let me.” He takes over before I can even admit it, shifting
forward to clasp my hand and looking at me with eyes so earnest I can’t
help seeing the boy he used to be - some of the harder, more resolute man
I’ve come to know softening.
“I’m sorry about all those years ago, Jessica - about what happened
between us. I’ve wanted to say that since the moment you walked into my
office, but it didn’t seem quite right to dredge all that up again. I said I was
sorry back then, but I didn’t mean it the way I should have. I felt bad about
leaving, but I was too focused on myself and the life in front of me to care
too much. Not how you deserved.”
“Kenneth…” I interrupt, hesitant. I’m suddenly not sure hearing all
this is a good idea. Thinking about it all over again. “It was a long time ago
—”
“But it’s why you’re not sure, isn’t it?” He asks, showing the kind of
perception I wish he didn’t have. “It’s why you’re holding back—”
“I’m not holding back.” I say, feeling a little stung. I shift back in my
seat slightly, shaking my head. “There’s just…a lot to think about. Our jobs,
and Abbie, and—”
“Tell me that’s all that’s bothering you. Really.” He squeezes my
hand, drawing my eyes reluctantly back to him. “If those are your only
concerns, then there’s nothing stopping us.”
I open my mouth to say it, to end this conversation before it stirs up
things that are better left buried…but I can’t. Not looking at him like that.
My eyes slip away from his gaze and I shift uneasily.
“It doesn’t matter how long ago it was if it’s still on your mind when
you think about us, Jessie.” He says softly. “And I understand. I was stupid
and careless - and I hurt you. I didn’t even apologize properly. I understand
why you haven’t forgiven it.”
I look up sharply, my gaze jumping back to his.
“What? I forgave you years ago, Kenneth.” I say immediately,
shaking my head. “I’m over what happened. That’s not what this is about
—”
“Then what?” He frowns, obviously confused and for a moment I
just stare at him.
 How can he not get it?
I take a deep breath, my hand slipping out of his and my eyes drifting
over toward the fire instead, trying to work out what to say.
“I don’t…I don’t blame you for what happened, Kenneth. We were
just kids, and you had your whole life ahead of you. If I’d been in a better
place, I probably wouldn’t have even expected—what I did.” I shake my
head, my breath coming shakily as I draw it in. His hand settles on my thigh
and I finally look back at him.
“I was a mess back then, Kenneth. You know that - I mean, you saw
some of it. I was already angry about the way my Mom had abandoned me -
that she’d never come back for me the way she’d said all my life that she
would. When we started dating…you were everything to me. It felt like you
were all I had. You promised you’d be there for me, Kenneth…and then you
left. Just like—just like my Mom.” I blink, my eyes stinging, and I have to
reach for my drink to distract myself from the emotion that wants to well up
inside me. I don’t even taste it as I take a few sips.
“Jessica…”
I don’t want to hear that tone in his voice. The pain there. I can’t
think about him right now, or I’ll never be able to say this - and somewhere
deep inside, I know I need to say it.
“No. Don’t. Let me…” I swallow, but look back at him, determined.
Needing him to understand.
He stops, but I can see the effort it costs him as he looks at me, his
own eyes shining.
“That broke something inside me, okay? It felt like everyone would
leave me. That no one wanted me. It—it wasn’t a good time for me. I did
some pretty stupid shit. I was a awful to Gramps and Grandma - to the only
people that were there for me. It doesn’t—I guess it doesn’t matter now, but
I still live with some of that guilt. It was like I knew it was just a matter of
time before they left, too, and I didn’t want to wait around for it so I was
going to make them leave.” I take another shaky breath, then somehow
manage a small smile, shrugging. “They didn’t, though. They stuck by me,
even when I was probably the worst kid you could have asked for.
Eventually…well, eventually, that worked. I got my act together, because of
them.”
He reaches to squeeze my hand again and this time I let him - too
much of my mind threatening to think about Gramps, about what’s
happened to him and how hard it is to deal with that.
I look back at him, meeting his gaze again. “It’s not that I don’t
forgive you, Kenneth. It’s not even really about you. I just…I don’t know
whether I can put myself in that position again. It hurt me for a long time,
after you left. It took years before I trusted anyone again and even then…I
never put everything into a relationship like that again. I never let anyone
else in that deep. I couldn’t. I couldn’t bring myself to like someone enough
that I might actually care if they left me.”
I let out a long breath as I come to a stop, something inside me
loosening a little. I’ve never actually admitted that out loud, but I think I’ve
always known it.
I never wanted to trust anyone as much as I trusted Kenneth.
I didn’t let myself, even though I knew none of my attempts at
relationships could last long when I refused to let anyone in. And every
failed relationship was just proof that I was right - that eventually, everyone
would leave.
“I’m sorry, Jessica.” He says, his voice rough with emotion. “God,
I’m a fucking idiot. I’m so sorry—”
“Don’t be.” I shake my head again. “That’s not—you don’t need to
be. I don’t—I don’t blame you, Kenneth. You were just a kid, same as me,
and what I was putting onto you was too much for anyone to carry anyway
—”
He shakes his head and I’m not sure I’ve ever seen him look quite so
serious.
“Not that much of a kid. I was eighteen when I left and I’d been
through all those moments with you, with your Mom…I should have
known. I should have known - and I should have taken you with me. Not
just because of what it did to you - because letting you go was the biggest
mistake I’ve ever made. I didn’t see it then—but it’s so obvious now. God,
it’s painful to think how different it would have been if I hadn’t been such a
selfish prick. So determined I needed to be single and free.”
I shake my head. “Don’t think like that. There’s no point. Besides,
things didn’t end up so badly—you’ve got a roaring successful business and
an adorable little girl. You can’t regret all that.”
He takes a deep breath, sighing and rubbing his hand over his face.
“No. No, I can’t regret anything that brought Abbie into this world.
But even so…” He trails off, then shakes his head and glances back at me.
“No, you’re right. There’s no point wondering about ‘what if’. All that
matters now is the future.”
The intent way he’s looking at me as he says that makes my stomach
flutter with sudden nerves.
He reaches forward, taking the drink I’m sipping anxiously from my
hands and placing it firmly on the table in front of us, twisting around in his
seat to face me directly and taking both my hands in his.
“Jessica, I loved you all those years ago and I still do, more than ever.
I don’t think I ever really stopped, though it wasn’t until you walked into
my office that day that I realized it. I’m sorry about everything that
happened back then, more sorry than I can ever really say, and I’ve been
kicking myself for the last few months for ever letting you go. But what
we’ve started now…what this could be…what it was always meant to be.
It’s what I want, more than anything.” He takes a deep breath and I know
I’m still frozen to the spot, scared and longing all at the same time. “I love
you, Jessica. And I’ll never leave you again. I’ll fight for you with every
breath I have, I promise you. I want to be the one that’s there for you, the
way I was all those years ago. I want you there for me.”
He reaches up, and it’s not until his thumb wipes away a tear on my
cheek that I even know I’m crying.
“I understand if you don’t believe that - if you can’t trust me yet—
I shake my head before I think better of it and he pauses, his gaze
intent on mine.
“That’s just it…” I whisper, not even sure he can hear me. “I’m not
scared that I won’t be able to trust you again, Kenneth…what scares me is
that I think I already do. Even after everything.”
He reaches forward and before I work out what’s going on, he’s
pulling me out of my chair and onto his lap, so that I’m sitting against him
with my legs dangling from his. I want to glance around instinctively, some
part of me acutely aware of the public intimacy, but I can’t with the way
he’s looking at me right now - the way he’s touching me. His gaze warming
something scared and lonely that I’ve buried so far inside me it’s hard to
even believe it exists.
“I want to. I want everything you’ve said.” I whisper, unable to deny
the simple truth of that. “But I’m scared.”
“I know.” He murmurs gently. “I want to show you that you don’t
need to be. I want to prove it to you, over and over, again and again, until
there’s nothing left of that fear. If you let me, I’ll do whatever it takes -
whatever you need - to make you feel as safe and secure as you always
should have been, Jessica. I promise.”
My heart catches on those words, on the sincerity that resonates all
the way through him - from the warmth in his gaze through to the gentle
way he’s touching me, his fingers stroking the back of my neck.
I want it more than I can believe. To open myself up to him and have
him do exactly that. I’m scared, but I want to give into everything he’s
offering. More than I’ve ever wanted anything in my life.
“Will you let me, Jessica?” He asks again, softly. “Will you give this
a chance? Not just what we’ve been doing the last few days - but all of it. I
love you. I want all of you, with me where you were always meant to be.”
I swallow hard and this time, I do feel the tears. They don’t stop me
from nodding, though, the lump in my throat almost too much to overcome.
“I love you too, Kenneth. I’m not sure I ever stopped, either, even
when I thought I hated you.” I lean forward, my arms going around his neck
as he holds me tight, and I finally whisper in his ear. “Okay. Yes. Okay,
we’ll do this.”
His arms tighten around me and I don’t think I’ve ever felt so secure
and scared at the same time - but it’s almost starting to feel like a good kind
of scared. Like anticipation and potential, as well as everything else.
 “I love you.” I say again, because I don’t feel like I’ve said it enough
times. Not to him, or to myself. I’ve spent so long denying it… “I love you,
Kenneth. I really do.”
He chuckles, leaning back to kiss me. A long, lingering embrace that
is full of the need and desire of the last few days - but something else too.
It’s softer and warmer. Less frantic, now that it feels like we might have all
the time in the world, after all.
A promise.
I hold that promise to me even as our lips part, wrapping it up inside
my heart as securely as he’s holding me.
“But…” I start, then bite my lip, hesitating. I don’t want to break the
moment, but I can’t help saying it. “There’s everything else, too. Our jobs,
Abbie…”
He shakes his head, one hand stroking down my back easily.
“If we can get past this, we can deal with everything else. Anything
and everything, so long as I’ve got you by my side again.” He smiles at me,
giving me another quick kiss, slightly more playful this time and when he
leans back again, I’m smiling too. “And besides, I think you’re probably the
best thing to come into Abbie’s life for a while. I don’t think we’re going to
have any problems there - in fact, I’m already looking forward to you
spending more time…with the both of us.”
“Kenneth…I don’t know…I want that to go well and—”
“I know, I know. I’m not going to rush anything - but I don’t think
you’ve got anything to worry about.” He squeezes my arm gently. “We’ll go
at her pace, I promise.”
“Okay.” I nod, some of the pressure inside me starting to ease.
Somehow, everything that seemed impossible only a few hours
earlier has started sounding like a plan.
I like the thought of that. A plan for the future. Something I haven’t
had since…well…since Kenneth and I were last dating, I guess. I don’t
know what that says about me, or what I’ve been doing with my life since,
but for a long time I’ve felt like I was just drifting.
 “Shall we get another drink before dinner?” He asks, his voice
dropping to a murmur. “I still want to catch up on everything about your life
over the last ten years.”
“Dinner?”
“You didn’t think I wasn’t going to do this properly, did you?” He
raises an eyebrow at me and I smile.
No, Kenneth has never been one not to do things properly. I should
have guessed there would be dinner.
“I guess not.” I admit, then glance over at our drinks. “We haven’t
finished these, though.”
Mine is only half-empty and Kenneth’s doesn’t look touched.
His lip curls slightly. “All the ice has melted. They won’t be as nice.”
“So in the last ten years, you’ve become a snob.” I say, laughing, but
I oblige and stand, letting him up.
He grins at me, taking my arm and walking back toward the bar.
“Well there’s no point in all this money if you can’t have a few of the nicer
things.”
“That’s going to take some getting used to.” I shake my head.
“What?”
“You having money now.”
His brow wrinkles in puzzlement. “You’ve known about that for the
last few months.”
“Yeah, as your secretary. The last time we were dating, though, you
were a broke kid, same as me.”
My words finally seem to register and his gaze clears with another
grin.
“I’ll get to treat you to all the things I wanted to - all the things I
talked about - back then.”
His excitement makes me laugh and I shake my head again, leaning
into him. “That’s what I meant - I’m not quite sure what I think yet. You
know I don’t need all that.”
 “I know, but I want to give it to you anyway.” He takes one look at
my dubious expression and nudges me. “C’mon. We have enough actual
problems that you might as well just accept it and not start looking for
more.”
I laugh and I’m surprised how light and free it sounds - and how
much better I feel now that we’ve talked.
He’s right. We needed to do this.
And he’s right about catching up, too, as the night continues and we
go out to dinner together.
Hearing all about his time studying and experimenting with business
ideas, right up until the launch and success of ExVenture, is fascinating. He
tells me other things too, little things that no one else would know - like
how tough he finds the success sometimes, especially when it feels like
that’s all people can see. His family has always been supportive, but I don’t
think he’s had the easiest time with them either.
I tell him about me, too. At first I don’t think I’ve really got anything
to say that can possibly compare or be the slightest bit interesting - but as I
start talking and he asks specific, observant questions, more and more starts
coming out. I realize, with some surprise, that I really am proud of what
I’ve done and where I’ve come to - of my job managing events in
Springfield, of the way I’ve created a life for myself and found things that
I’m genuinely good at.
Seeing the warmth and enthusiasm in Kenneth’s gaze as I talk about
it makes a difference, too. I’d forgotten what it’s like to talk to someone
about everything - to have someone to share things with - and before I can
think about it, the other thing on my mind comes out too.
“My Mom contacted me a few weeks ago, actually.” I say it almost
casually, and I’m surprised that it even feels quite casual. I guess I’ve been
sitting on it long enough that I’ve started to get used to the idea.
Kenneth’s head comes up at that, a very mixed look in his
expression.
“She…did?”
 I nod. “Sent me a letter about wanting to get back in touch - wanting
to try and build some kind of relationship. I haven’t heard from her in seven
years.”
He sucks in a deep breath at that, his hand reaching out to squeeze
mine automatically, but I don’t even feel that bad. Just…slightly detached.
“Have you done anything?” He asks, his deep voice obviously
concerned.
I shake my head. “No, I haven’t had the time—well, no. I haven’t had
the energy to deal with it all.”
He nods and he’s silent for a moment, just looking at me and holding
my hand. It feels strange, having him here for me like that again. An echo
of the past. It’s reassuring, comforting…but even as I relax into that feeling,
I realize I don’t need it quite as much as I did in the past. It’s just…nice.
“Do you think you’re going to respond?”
“I don’t know. Maybe.” I say slowly. I still haven’t quite worked that
out for myself. “It’s strange. It’s not like it used to be. I don’t know exactly
what I feel about it all - if I even feel anything at all. I think…I think I want
to. Just to see. I’m not sure it would even affect me if we arranged to meet
and…she disappeared again. But…I don’t know that for sure, you know?
So I’m…I’m still working it out.”
He nods again and I can see the conflicted expression on his face as
his lips twist together.
“I want to say that she’s not good enough for you, Jessica, that she
doesn’t deserve it.” He says, his voice a deep rumble. “I saw what she put
you through for all those years and it was painful enough to watch, let alone
how much it hurt you. Hearing she’s back makes me want to pick you up
and take you home, to keep you somewhere you can be safe from anything
that might ever hurt you again…but after everything we just talked about…
after what I just asked for…”
His mouth twists into a rueful smile and he gives a small shrug. “It
seems a little hypocritical, huh?”
I smile back at him, just a little, shrugging myself. “I can appreciate
the urge anyway.”
 “Just know that I’ll be here for you if you need me, whatever you
decide. I’ll come with you, if you like. Or tear up the letter with you. Or
wait at home and pace until I know you’re okay. Whatever you need, I’ll be
there.”
My smile widens and I’m surprised by the wave of warmth and relief
that rushes through me. I reach out to squeeze his hand, something deep
within me relaxing even further. It’s like things are slowly starting to feel
right again - in life, and with Kenneth, and…just everything.
“I know. I know you will be.”

OceanofPDF.com
 Chapter Nineteen
Kenneth

That date with Jessica goes better than I ever could have hoped for.
The drinks and dinner that I’d arranged wasn’t anything too special -
no dramatic gestures or crazy extravagances. Not quite the sort of thing I’d
like to do for Jessica - not then, when I wasn’t even sure how the whole
evening was going to go.
I’ll have the chance for all that later.
No, it was just being around her that was special. Being on a date
with my childhood sweetheart, ten years later. Talking to her - really talking
to her for the first time in so long. Feeling her open up and be the girl I
remember so well…but different, too. She’s older and more mature, of
course, but it’s more than that too. She seems less…fragile.
And somehow, after we’d gotten past all the difficult things we
needed to talk about, it feels like she’s happier than she was back then, too.
I mean, I know it’s stupid trying to compare a twenty-eight year old woman
to an eighteen year old girl, but…it’s hard not to, when so many of my
memories are tangled up in that.
I’ll get used to it, though, that strange sense of deja vu and
reconciling those two images.
We’ll create new memories, as the people we are now.
The thought makes me smile. I’ve already started planning a couple
of day trips with Abbie - and after that date together, Jessica has spent a few
evenings at mine too. Not overnight, but late enough that we get plenty of
time after Abbie has gone to sleep. So far, my little girl has been thrilled
when Jessica has come around, and we both intend to keep it that way.
I’m a little more confident about that than Jessica. I know my
daughter, and I know how much she’s needed this. If anything, I’d worry
about her getting too attached, too fast - but I can’t blame her. I’m the same.
I want Jessica around all the time too.
 The brief knock on my open door makes me look up as Jessica walks
into my office with a cup of coffee. She shuts the door behind her, which is
enough to raise my eyebrows. Since that night, we’ve created some ground
rules for when we’re working - and that includes resuming my open-door
policy. Now that we’re seeing each other outside work, we’re just about
able to resist everything we spent the last few days doing during work
hours. Mostly.
There are still times when I’d love nothing more than to push her up
against the desk and have her legs around my hips, but I do see her point
that now we’re seeing each other again, it’s even more important to
maintain clear boundaries.
Yeah. Clear boundaries. The thing you’ve been so good at from the
start.
It does mean, though, that her closing the door now is noticeable -
and I give her a concerned look as she walks over.
“Are you okay?” I ask, barely noticing the coffee she places on my
desk before she turns to me. “Has something happened?”
Has her Mom…
“No, no, nothing.” She shakes her head, then leans back against the
corner of my desk.
That gives me a perfect view of her long legs stretched out in front of
me, but I barely even notice that as my gaze locks on hers.
“I’m going to look for another job.” She finally says, in a quietly
determined voice.
“But—” I blink, objecting instinctively before pausing. “Shit. You’re
right.”
I lean back in my chair, letting out a long breath.
Of course. How else is this going to work?
We haven’t gotten around to talking about it - beyond the immediate
what do we do at work together - but she’s right. We can’t keep working
together and pursue a relationship, for a dozen different reasons - the
appropriateness of it being only one. I just didn’t want to admit it yet.
 I groan at the thought.
“God damn it, it’s going to be impossible to replace you.”
Her mouth curls into a smile and she laughs slightly.
“Well if you had to pick between having me at work or…”
“I’d pick having you.” I confirm, with the grin that always comes at
the thought that I do have her. “In life and everything. With me. Beside me.
Not working for me.”
“Romantic.” She teases, but her eyes are sparkling.
“Mm. Still going to be grumpy as hell about this, though.”
“Of course.”
“Do you want me to transfer you to another part of the company,
or…”
I already know the answer as I ask it, but I want to offer anyway. Just
in case.
She’s shaking her head before I even finish the thought.
“No. I think it would be best if I left entirely. It’s just too…”
“Messy?”
“Yeah.”
“What do you think you’d like to do?” I ask and she blinks at me, as
if she hasn’t quite thought about it.
“I hadn’t really thought about it. I was just going to look for another
secretary job - that shouldn’t be too hard, so long as I have a good
reference.” Her mouth curves into a smile at that thought, and I match it.
I pull her off the desk and onto my lap, startling a cry out of her.
“I’m sure we can find a way for you to earn that…”
“Kenneth!” She pushes at me, righting herself, half-laughing and
half-outraged. “We said we weren’t going to do this anymore!”
“If you’re leaving, I should probably make the most of it while I
can…”
 She glances over her shoulder at the door, wriggling on top of me in a
way that’s obviously not meant to be enticing, but has my cock hardening
almost immediately.
“Someone could come in!”
“In case you’ve forgotten, I’m the boss around here.” I grin. “No one
is going to come in without permission.”
“You’re impossible.”
“Are you sure you want to find another secretary position?” I
continue my original thought, despite how enticing other things are now
that Jessica is in my arms.
She frowns. “What do you mean? What else would I do?”
“You sounded so enthusiastic about the events management role you
had before—”
“Ohh, not you too.” She groans and I raise an eyebrow in question.
“Gramps already has enough opinions about wanting me to go back to
that.”
“And you don’t want to?”
She shrugs. “It’s not that - it’s just they’re not that easy to come by. I
don’t think I could find a position like that here, except maybe some sort of
voluntary thing. And I’ve got bills to pay, especially with Gramps needing
extra therapy now - that’s going to be hard enough once I leave. There are
some bonuses to being a super executive secretary, instead of just the
regular everyday kind.”
She grins at me at that remark, but I’m frowning.
“You know, Jessica, I don’t want you to have to worry about—”
“Ohhh no.” She shakes her head. “Stop right there. We’re not talking
about that. We literally got together days ago—”
“Years—”
“Days.” She insists, with a scowl. “I’m not having you start saying
things like that. It doesn’t feel right.”
My frown deepens.
 Infuriating girl.
Then the irony of the situation hits me and I can’t help but smile,
slightly ruefully. I’ve spent so long being worried about dating attracting
women who’d only want me for my money…I’ve never once considered
how to try to convince one to accept it.
Because I’m going to do that. I’ll make sure of it. I want Jessica to be
able to do what she wants to do - and I definitely don’t want it stressing her
about her grandfather’s care.
“Okay.” I make a show of relenting, for now at least. “Not yet, then.
But eventually—”
A knock at the door sends a jolt through both of us and Jessica jumps
off me with a yelp.
“Shit.” I mutter, then call out toward the door. “Just a moment!”
“I told you.” Jessica glares at me, putting herself back together with
far more speed and ease than I would have assumed possible. “I’ll leave
you to it.”
I glance at the time. “It’s getting late anyway - you’ll be heading off
to see your grandfather, right?”
She nods. That’s something else we’ve agreed to, though she was
hesitant about it at first, until I convinced her that she did more than enough
work regardless of how we arrange it.
These days, she leaves a couple of hours early to spend a little more
time with her grandfather - and I’ve seen a noticeable difference in her
since we started doing that. She’s still worried about him, but the anxiety
and stress seems to have eased off a little.
She’s my personal secretary, so it’s no one else’s business what her
working hours or situation is - she doesn’t need anyone’s approval but mine
to ‘work from home’. And to her credit, she does actually insist on making
up the hours, even if I tell her it’s really not necessary. I haven’t had such an
efficient secretary for years anyway.
It’s another thing that bothers me about her changing job.
 What if they don’t let her do that? Don’t give her that time? She
needs it, even if she won’t admit it.
Something else for me to chew over.
The knock comes again, interrupting the thought, and Jessica is
already heading toward the door when I look up.
“Wait.” I say, then call again. “A minute.”
My god, who is being so damn insistent?! The last time I checked,
I’m still the boss, and I definitely don’t have a meeting scheduled.
“Good luck with tonight.” I finally say, my voice soft as Jessica turns
around to look at me. “I’ll be at home if you want to come over, after. And
I’ll be there in an instant if you call.”
She gives me a half-smile, nodding, but I can see the slight clouds in
her eyes.
“Thanks, Kenneth. I might take you up on that.”
Then she raises an eyebrow at me in question, laying a hand on the
doorknob and not giving me a chance to say anything else. I nod, somewhat
resigned. She opens the door, exchanges a few words with the person on the
other side and then slips out.
I shift my chair under my desk, trying to conceal the slight bulge in
my pants as the determined knocker walks into the room.
Of course. Patrick. Who else would it be?

OceanofPDF.com
 Chapter Twenty
Jessica

I leave Kenneth to yet another meeting with his lawyer - they seem to
be ramping up recently - and make my way to Gramps’ care home to visit
for a couple of hours.
I usually stay longer than that, of course, but this evening…I have
something else to do.
Something he picks up on immediately.
“What’s…wrong?” He asks, frowning at me from his wheelchair as
he peers over the table at me. “Distracted by…that man of yours?”
His speech is so much better than it was that first week and it makes
me smile every time I see him, just to be able to talk to him properly again.
He’s still a little quiet, and he’s slower than I think he’d like, but I don’t
care about any of that. I get to have the kind of conversations that I used to
with him - they just take a bit longer, that’s all.
“No, it’s not that.” I say, even though a good portion of my mind is
still wrapped up with Kenneth - with how good everything feels now that
I’ve got his warm presence and the strength of his love back in my life.
And, I’m not going to lie, with how good it felt to sit on his lap and feel him
harden under me—
“Well?”
I blush, reminding myself those really aren’t appropriate thoughts to
be having around my grandfather, and shrug a little self-consciously.
“Okay, well, maybe a little.”
He laughs, a low, almost coughing sound that took me a little while
to get used to - but the sparkle in his eyes is as familiar as ever.
“Good. Good for you, Jessie.” He sounds delighted, and I know that
he is.
I think he knew something was going on with me as soon as I started
having sex with Kenneth, even though at that point I wasn’t even ready to
admit it to myself. Surprisingly for him, though, he didn’t say anything or
press me for an answer. He’s always been good at knowing when to do that
- and I guess he could tell that it was a good thing for me.
But yesterday, I brought Kenneth to meet him. I wanted to. I’m
spending more time with Abbie now - and I can see Kenneth encouraging
her as we do, asking what she thinks of it being the three of us - and even
though I’m a little worried it’s too fast…so far, she’s been happy and
enthusiastic about it all. It’s made me want Kenneth to be a part of my
family too.
So I told Gramps I’d met someone - I even admitted Kenneth was the
same boy from all those years ago at school - and I was more grateful than I
would have thought that when he met Kenneth again, he didn’t go on the
offensive about how all that had ended. Gramps knows what it did to me,
but you wouldn’t have thought it from the enthusiasm he greeted Kenneth
with. It made me wonder whether he’s been more concerned about my lack
of a relationship than he’s ever let on.
We managed to gloss over exactly how we met - and the small fact
that Kenneth is also my boss - but I know we’re going to have to explain
that at some point. Gramps is too astute not to work it out once he starts
getting to know Kenneth, and starts asking about what he does. I’m hoping
that will be after I find another job, though. That, and maybe if Gramps’
speech therapy continues going well, it might be an easier conversation to
have.
“Something else too, hmm?” He frowns at me, and I realize just how
distracted I am today.
“Sorry. Sorry, I should be focusing on you, I just—”
“No.” He says emphatically. “You.”
“I’m meeting Mom tonight.”
It comes out all in one go and I take a deep breath after I’ve said it. I
wasn’t trying to keep it from him, I just…didn’t know how to say it. I knew
that I would, though. I can’t keep something like that inside for long.
His eyes widen and he reaches for me with his good hand, which is
still slightly shaky. I take it in mine, clasping it tightly.
 “I only decided a couple of days ago that I wanted to.” I explain.
“And…well, it all happened faster than I thought it would. I’m kind of glad
about that, actually. I’m not sure I want anymore time to think about it.”
“Are you okay?” He asks, his voice more steady than I can remember
it being for a while. Or maybe it’s just that my insides feel kind of shaky.
I nod. “Yeah. Yeah, I think I am. I mean, I don’t even know if she’ll
turn up. If she doesn’t…well, I guess that’s the end of that. Maybe that
would be easier, too. Maybe…”
“Jessica.” His concern is obvious, even in that one word, and I let out
a nervous little laugh.
“I don’t really know what I want from it.” I admit. “But maybe I
don’t need to know. Maybe I can just see…what it is. Maybe I won’t feel
anything at all. Maybe…”
I shake my head, trying to stem the flow of words and thoughts and
confused feelings.
“I think it’ll be okay, Gramps. Really, I do.” I squeeze his hand and
give him a little smile.
Whatever happens, it will be okay. Because I’m okay now. I’ve got
what I need. I’ve got Gramps and Kenneth, so everything is okay.
He gives me a long look, but finally nods, a deep sigh leaving him.
“Tell me…tell me how it goes?” He asks, and there’s a strange look
in his eyes.
I get another stab of discomfort at the thought of how long it’s been
since he saw her. His daughter. I know that in some ways, the feelings
between them are even more fraught and painful than the ones I have for
her, and I know that’s mostly because of me. He’s always been so angry
about what she did to me. It’s a hard thing to think about.
“I will.” I say softly, not sure what else I can say - or even what he
wants.
He’s silent for a long time, and when he looks back at me, his eyes
are sad.
 “There’s no excuse for leaving you, Jessica, but…don’t be…too hard
on your…Mom.” He slows down to focus on what he’s saying, and a small
shiver runs down my spine. “We didn’t always…do well…with her. It
wasn’t easy - for any of us. We were…maybe…too hard. We just…wanted
what was…best.”
I’ve never heard any of this and I can feel my heart in my throat as I
listen. As far as I knew, Gramps had never regretted anything about what
he’d done.
He looks up at me, a sad smile on his face, slightly lop-sided. “We
did a better job…with you, I think. We learned better, but…”
“It wasn’t your fault.” I say immediately, repeating what he’s always
told me. He doesn’t deserve to shoulder the blame for what she did anymore
than me. “It was her decision. She could have come home at any time.
You’ve been the best grandfather…hell, the best Dad I ever could have had,
Gramps.”
I can see moisture glistening in his eyes and he squeezes my hand
hard as I struggle to contain my own emotions.
“I tried.” He says softly.
“I know. I’ll always be grateful that you were there for me, no matter
what happened or what I did. You were there, always.”
He nods, but I still catch the wistful expression on his face, and I
wish I could ask him more. I wish I knew - that I had the chance to
understand what had happened, all those years ago before I was even born.
But it’s obvious that this isn’t the time to ask it - he already seems worn out
from talking just that much, and I’m not sure I want it all in my head just
before I see my Mom.
Whatever happened, it doesn’t change anything. She abandoned me
for the whole of my childhood. She stood me up time and time again.
Whatever he thinks he could have done differently - all of that is on her. He
was the one that was there for me. Him and Grandma.
Still, I can’t help wondering what’s brought all this on - whether
maybe something about the stroke, about how long ago it all was now…I
don’t know. But if anything happened to him…and he has regrets…the
thought of that crushes me a little.
“Do you want me to…pass on anything, from you?” I ask, hesitantly.
After she didn’t show up for my twenty-first, he’d sworn up and
down he’d never speak to her again. But…but maybe some of that has
changed.
He looks at me and seems to hesitate, his mouth moving for a
moment. But then he shakes his head.
“No. No, you see her. I hope…it’s what you want.” He meets my
gaze steadily, but I have to glance away. I’m still not even sure what I want
from this. “But…whatever happens, I’ll be here, Jessica. You’ll be okay.”
He repeats my words from earlier and I nod.
I will. I know I will.
I’ll be here.
The same thing Kenneth said.
With both of them here to support me like that, how could anything
my Mom does or doesn’t do today really affect me?
In the end, that’s why I made the decision. Just being with Kenneth
again made the idea of meeting her easier - hell, it’s made me more
confident in general. I still find it scary to be so deep with him so quickly -
to trust him so much already - but it’s obvious the difference it’s made.
My life feels stable, for the first time in so long. I feel secure in a way
that seemed impossible only a few weeks ago - and that was the only thing
holding me back. I want to see my Mom. I don’t know why. Maybe just
pure curiosity, if nothing else. But I want to do it.
And I’m finally going to.

* * *

Gramps and I tried to make small conversation about other things for
a while longer - I tried to read to him, we attempted a puzzle together - but
it’s obvious we’re both too distracted, and I leave even earlier than I was
planning to.
I know he’s concerned about me and I promise to let him know I’m
okay afterward - but I also know there are other things going on that he’s
not saying and I wish I knew what they were. I really hope it doesn’t bother
him that I’m seeing her again and that if it did, he would have said. I try to
reassure him that whatever happens today, it doesn’t take away from
everything he’s ever done for me - that whatever my Mom says, Grandma
and him are my real parents and always will be. They’re the ones that raised
me. I don’t think that’s the issue though.
It’s not until I’m halfway to the cafe we’ve arranged to meet at that it
occurs to me that Mom never sent a letter to Gramps. Just to me. That
thought makes me slightly uneasy and ridiculously, I contemplate canceling
the whole thing. I know I’m probably just looking for any reason to, but
still…now that it’s almost happening, I can’t shake the nerves.
The questions.
Will we even recognize each other?
What on earth do I say to her?
What does she expect from me?
What can I even give her, after everything she’s done?
I get to the cafe early, relieved to know I’ll have time to get a coffee
and settle down before she arrives. It’ll give me time to sort through some
of those wild thoughts and prepare for—
“Jessica?”
I freeze where I’m stood in line. The voice is familiar enough that I
recognize it - despite the few times I’ve heard it, despite everything that told
me I probably wouldn’t even know who she was, despite being early—
“Is that…is that you?”
I look over my shoulder slowly - and find I actually am right. I barely
recognize the woman who looks back at me. Except…except…
That weird familiarity is still there.
 Dark gray hair that falls around her face in a short cut, rough lines cut
into her slightly haggard looking face and the same brown eyes that look
back at me from the mirror every day. Apart from those eyes…
She almost looks like Grandma.
The realization startles me, but once I see it, I can’t help it. She’s got
the same prominent nose and square-set face. I can see my Grandma in her,
even more than I can see myself.
The age on her face surprises me too. She was young when she had
me - only sixteen. She’s not old yet, not like Grandma was. But…she looks
it. She looks…tired.
“What would you like?”
The voice from the counter breaks through the tumbling thoughts in
my mind, in a semi-polite-semi-irritated tone that tells me it’s not the first
time I’ve been asked.
“I—er—” I turn back to the woman behind the counter, even though
it’s hard to snatch my eyes away from my Mom. I’m not sure I actually
expected her to turn up. I was more ready to be stood up again than to have
her suddenly there in front of me. The woman I haven’t seen for years.
I stammer out an order and ignore the impatient look I get from those
around me as I pay and move to the end to wait for my drink.
I finally look back at where my Mom has come to stand near me, and
I suddenly wish I’d had the time to work out what I wanted to say.
“H—hi.”
That’s all I manage to get out, but she gives me a gentle smile.
“Hi.”
My order is called out before I have to think of anything else to say
and I take the drink with relief. I belatedly notice she’s already got a coffee
cup in her hands and wonder for a moment how long she’s been waiting
here.
I was early.
“Shall we…um…sit down?” I suggest, feeling awkward but just
deciding to go with it.
 This is awkward. I’m not sure there’s any playbook for meeting the
Mom that abandoned you all through your childhood. All that’s on her.
I try to remind myself of that and it’s hard, even though it’s all I’ve
been telling myself for days.
It’s not your fault. However this goes, however it works out, it’s not
on you. Whatever you want here is okay.
“I’d like that.” She says, her voice softer than I remember it.
I nod and move toward a table at the back of the cafe, with none of
the other tables around it occupied. I definitely want a little bit of privacy
for this meeting.
I take the booth against the wall and she sits in the chair opposite -
and then for a long moment, we just look at each other. I’d guess she’s as
absorbed by what I look like as I was when I first saw her.
“It’s been so long since I’ve seen you.” She almost whispers it and I
start feeling a little uncomfortable by the fascination.
“Um, yeah, I know.” I shrug, just about managing to avoid putting a
bite into it.
I’m surprised that I don’t want to. There have been so many times
that I’ve thought about everything I’d say to her - everything I’d ask if I got
the chance. Mainly why.
Why didn’t you come back to us? Why didn’t you care? Why did you
say you would, if you were never going to? Why even have me in the first
place? Why, why, why…
Now that I’m here with her…well, maybe it’s just been too long, or
maybe it doesn’t matter anymore. Maybe she doesn’t really matter to me
anymore. That thought is painful in its own way. But either way, sitting here
remembering all those questions…I’m not sure I even have anything to say.
“I didn’t think you’d come.” I say instead, shrugging slightly. It’s not
even an accusation, just an explanation. “I don’t…I guess I don’t really
know what to say.”
She nods, looking down for a moment before taking a deep breath.
 “I know. That’s fair. I don’t expect you to say anything, Jessica, or do
anything. I just…I wanted to see you so badly. I have for years now but I
didn’t know how to—or whether I could—or if—” She swallows, glancing
over to the side and then back to me. “For what it’s worth, I’m sorry,
Jessica. For everything. I know that’s not enough and I know it doesn’t
change anything - it can’t go back and rewrite the past - but I need to say it
anyway.”
“For yourself?” I ask, before I can help it, some of the bitterness that
I’d just been thinking I was over spilling out of me.
That would be typical. I’m not sure my Mom has ever thought about
anyone else in her life. It was always what she needed.
She winces, then shrugs. “I guess I deserve that. And I don’t know,
maybe. I’d say it wasn’t for me - but it seems strange to expect an apology
to mean anything to you, after all this time. I think I hope it does anyway,
but…well. Maybe it is for me.”
I nod, the bitterness sliding back into a familiar resignation. I’m
starting to wonder why I came. What I ever expected from this.
“What do you want?” I ask, eventually.
She seems content to sit there and just look at me, but I’m not sure
how I feel about that.
“I…I don’t know.” She takes another deep breath. “I don’t want to
hurt you anymore, Jessica, more than anything—”
“You could have done that by staying gone.”
She nods, slowly. “Yes. I guess I could have - and if that’s what you
want, I’ll leave Springfield again. You don’t have to have anything else to
do with me.”
She pauses, seeming to wait for me to answer, but I don’t have a clue
what I want. I’m just…confused, I guess.
When it becomes obvious that I’m not going to say anything, she
shrugs again and continues.
“But if it’s at all possible…I’d like to get to know you. To see you a
little. To have whatever part of your life you’d like to share with me, if
that’s anything at all. I know it’s not going to be the relationship we—we
could have had—but…maybe we could have something. If you want.”
I stare into my coffee cup, as if that could possibly hold any answers,
my fingers slightly burned from holding it so tightly but some part of me
relishing the physical discomfort, that slight distraction from everything
going on around me.
“You don’t have to know the answer, obviously.” She adds when I
don’t say anything, or even look at her. “I can wait as long as you need. If…
if we do anything at all, it can be however you want.”
I still don’t say anything - and I idly wonder whether I look like a
petulant child right now, but I don’t really care. That’s not what this is. It’s
just…all a little too much. It’s awkward and hard and I’m not sure why I
came and I can’t work out what to do about any of it.
“Why now?” I ask, out of nowhere, some of the why questions finally
catching up with me. “There were years and years where if you’d appeared
and wanted me, I would probably have forgiven you anything and you
could have gone straight into being my Mom. Why did you come back
now?”
“I’ve asked myself the same thing.” She says, sighing softly and
raising her cup to her lips. “It’s been a long time. I think I was waiting until
I felt ready…until I felt like I could handle the responsibility—”
“And you think you can now?”
Now that I’m twenty-eight and managing my own life just fine? Now
that it’s easy and you don’t actually have to do anything?
This time, the bitterness in my voice is obvious - but she surprises me
by shaking her head.
“No. I still wasn’t ready…especially with all the time that had
passed, all the things that have built up…” She takes another sip of coffee,
not seeming upset about my attitude as she quietly tries to explain. “But
then I started wondering if I’d ever feel ready…so I decided to come
anyway.”
It takes me a moment to try to reconcile that, to understand…
something. I have no idea what to think.
 What the hell does that even mean, anyway? Being ready? Ready for
what, exactly?
I shake my head, all of this feeling like entirely too much for me, my
emotions shifting between confused and incredulous as I look at the woman
across from me. The one I expected so much from and got…nothing.
That’s suddenly the thing that hits me most and I can’t help it - the
one question I’d tormented myself with for years finally bubbles up inside
me, spilling over. I wasn’t sure it was still important anymore - and maybe
it isn’t - but if any of this matters at all, that’s what I want to know. I look
up at her and finally ask the only thing I’ve ever wanted to know, direct and
unapologetic.
“Why did you leave me, Mom? Just…just…why?”
I try not to sound like the injured kid as I say it. I’m not sure how
successful that is, but right now I’m not even sure I care. It’s the one thing
that cuts right to the core of me.
Her face tightens with the obvious pain - and I hate the mixture of
pity and sadness in her eyes as she looks at me.
She doesn’t get to pity you for the situation she caused, damn it.
When she finally answers, it’s with another long breath and it looks
like she’s working herself up to it.
“I didn’t know how to be the Mom you needed, Jessica.” She says,
her voice sad and almost resigned. “I was so young. I didn’t know how to
be your Mom - and I didn’t know how to be the daughter Mom and Dad
wanted, either. They knew what they were doing, better than I ever could,
and I thought if I went away…made something of myself…I could come
back and I’d be a better Mom for you. Someone you deserved—”
“You didn’t come back.” It’s hard not to grind out the words against
the pain of everything she’s saying. Everything she promised me as a kid. It
sounds just like that. “You said you’d come back to stay, but you never
did.”
She nods, not trying to defend it. “I know. I wanted to but…it never
felt like I got there. It never felt like I was good enough to be your Mom.
And as time passed, it got harder and harder to think about it. I thought
maybe it would be better for all of you - for you and Mom and Dad - if I
didn’t come back. If I didn’t disrupt your life together—”
“That’s bullshit. All of it. The only thing I ever needed from you - the
only thing I wanted - was for you to be there. I don’t care what kind of
Mom you would have been. I don’t give a damn if you might have made
mistakes. That’s how you god-damn learn.” It feels totally bizarre to be
lecturing my Mom on parenting - me, who doesn’t even have a kid - but I
go with it anyway, too much pent up emotion to contain. “The one thing
that wouldn’t teach you how to be a good Mom? Disappearing to another
State by yourself! The only thing I needed was you there. That’s what made
you a bad Mom. Not being sixteen or clueless or anything else. Giving up
on me, that’s the only thing you did wrong.”
When I finally run out of steam, finding myself almost breathless and
struggling to get myself back together after the outburst, she just nods
again. If I couldn’t clearly see the pain in her expression, I’d almost think
she didn’t care from her non-reaction - but maybe she was just expecting
this. I guess I would be too, if I was going to see a daughter I’d abandoned
for most of my life.
“I know. I know that now. I shouldn’t have left you and I shouldn’t
have stayed away. It took a long time, but eventually I realized that. I was
stupid and—and I was scared, Jessica. I was scared for not being good
enough for you all.”
“So you ran away.”
“I did. I’m sorry, Jessica. It was stupid - and selfish of me. I should
have been there, and I wasn’t.”
She sits back, looking at me openly and honestly - and this time, it’s
me that has to look away. As quickly as it had come, I can feel my rage start
to ebb away. It’s not like I haven’t had these conversations in my mind a
dozen times. I’d exhausted my anger at her years ago. As mad as it makes
me, thinking about what could have been, or should have been, if she hadn’t
been such a fucking coward…it’s hard to stay angry at someone who’s
agreeing with everything you’ve said, and simply apologizing for it.
If anything, I just feel drained.
 I let out a long breath and pick up my coffee to sip at it out of instinct
more than anything else. It’s cold, but I don’t mind that so much. I just
burned hot enough myself.
“I know I can’t make it up to you, but we can talk it out as much as
you want. I’ll answer anything you want to know—”
“I don’t want to talk about it anymore.” I shake my head, feeling
done.
I was done with thinking about all the painful things in my past
before this meeting - and if anything, talking about it just made me feel
more done. I’ve got an answer…but I’m not sure it even helps. I’m not sure
it would have helped back then, either. It just makes me feel disappointed
and sad about the whole thing.
“Do you want me to go?” She finally asks and I deliberately don’t
meet her gaze. I’m not sure I can deal with seeing the compassion she
obviously wants to give me right now. It’s strange to think that she has all
these feelings for me and I…I don’t have a clue what I feel right now. Or
what I want.
Not that that’s anything new.
Eventually, I slowly shake my head.
“I don’t know. I don’t know what I want.”
She’s quiet for a few minutes and we both slowly drink our coffee.
It’s weird, but I’m not quite sure I’m ready for her to just…go. I’m just not
sure I’m ready for anything else, either.
We spend some time like that in silence and while it’s not quite
comfortable, it’s not too bad either.
My head feels a little like it’s stuffed with cotton - a strange
numbness that hasn’t quite worked itself out yet. There are too many things
going on, and I can’t quite work out whether I have too many feelings about
them - or none at all.
You need time. Time for it all to settle.
I know that, but it’s hard to sit here feeling…confused.
 “Maybe…” My Mom finally speaks up again, breaking into my
attempt at not thinking about anything just yet. “Maybe we could just talk
for a little bit? About simple things? I know I don’t know you, after
everything, and you don’t know me…but I’d like to start.”
I look back up at her, hesitating. It’s obvious she’s trying for a soft,
slow approach - but just as obvious how much she wants it. There’s a part
of me that can’t help not wanting to let her down, even though I know that’s
stupid. But I’m not sure. I can’t imagine trying to talk to her about…
anything, right now.
“I’m…not sure I’m ready for that.” I admit, feeling conflicted.
It doesn’t seem like a big request, but…I don’t know whether I want
her to suddenly be a part of my life. I don’t know whether I want to share
that with her. And I have no idea how I’d feel if she started talking about
her life right now.
She doesn’t seem upset by my reluctance, though, and just nods.
“That’s okay.” She gives me a small smile, and it feels weird that she
seems to want to make me feel better about it. I’m not sure what I think of
her looking out for me. “I know it’s going to take some time for you to
work out what you want.”
I nod, but I don’t say anything, playing with my empty coffee cup
instead.
“I’m…I’m really glad you agreed to see me today, Jessica. Whatever
you decide, I’ll always be grateful about that.” She gives me another smile,
but I shift awkwardly. I don’t think I want her gratitude. “I’ll give you some
space to think about things. Will you…think about it, though? Whether
you’d like to meet again?”
I nod slowly. I’ve got a lot to work out, but that’s definitely part of it.
I know enough to know it’s not a straightforward no.
“Yeah. I’ll—I’ll let you know.”
“Thank you.”
She rises smoothly from her chair and I can feel the way her eyes
linger on me before she turns.
 I hesitate another moment, but I know I’m going to feel terrible if I
don’t say anything.
“Wait.”
She turns back, puzzled.
“I…um…there’s something I should tell you. Do you—can you sit
down for a moment? Please?”
“What is it?” She asks, sitting back down with obvious concern. “I’ll
listen to anything you have to say, Jessica, I want you to know that.”
Yeah, okay. Enough with the ‘being there for me’ crap right now.
“It’s not about me. I just…I thought you should know.” I can see her
expression tighten and I take a deep breath. I have no idea how she’s going
to take this. “Gramps…he had a stroke a few months back. And then
another one more recently. He’s—he’s okay, but…well…this recent one has
been tough.”
“Oh god.” She murmurs, her hand going to her mouth and emotions
flickering across her face, too fast for me to read them.
“It’s, um, it’s okay.” I say, not knowing how to help her in the
slightest. “He’s got support that’s really helping him and things are…
they’re improving. Mostly, he’s just frustrated as hell not to be as
independent as he’s used to.”
I try to give her a small smile with that, and she meets it genuinely,
even if she still looks a bit shocked.
“Yeah.” She murmurs, more to herself than me. “I’ll bet.”
“I just…I didn’t think you knew, and I thought you might want to.” I
finally say, shrugging slightly.
She nods. “Do you think…do you think I’d be able visit him
sometime?”
I freeze, the question surprising me. I have no idea what he’d think of
that. They haven’t seen each other in…I don’t even know how long.
Maybe she really has changed. Or worked some things out, anyway.
Maybe she really does care.
 I don’t like the thoughts, because they’re an echo of so many
misguided hopes in the past, but I try to convince myself to be open minded
about it.
“I…I don’t know. I’d have to talk to him about it.”
“Will you?” Her eyes catch on mine, bright and emotional. “Would
you do that for me?”
I swallow, but eventually I nod.
She deserves that, at least. The chance. And so does he.
“Yeah. Yeah, I will.”
“Thank you, Jessica.” She says again, the words coming out in a
breath. “And thank you…for telling me.”
“That’s okay.” I say, feeling a little bit awkward.
“I’ll…I’ll be around if you want to get in touch.”
I nod again and she lingers for a few moments longer. I get the
feeling she’d like to stay, but she doesn’t push it and she stands up a few
moments later. It feels weird watching her walk away - like an echo of my
childhood, but without the desperate longing for her to come back or the
desire to rush up and cling to her.
I try to shake the feeling off, raising my coffee cup to my lips before
realizing it’s empty.
My head still feels a mess, but I think…I think I’m glad I did this.
I stay there a while longer and when I finally think to check my
phone, just clicking on Kenneth’s name relaxes something deep inside me. I
smile slightly at the feeling. Whatever happens with my Mom, if I’ve got
him, it’s all going to be okay.
I message him automatically. He’ll be wanting to know I’m alright.
Me: It was okay.
That’s all I can say right now. The rest…I don’t know yet.
I put the phone back in my pocket and it buzzes almost immediately.
Heh. I guess he was waiting for the message.
Kenneth: Want to come over and spend the night in my arms?
 I blink, surprised, and then smile as the warmth of that idea rushes
through me.
Me: Yes. Yes, I really do.

OceanofPDF.com
 Chapter Twenty-One
Kenneth

The knock on the door makes me look up - and I smile as Jessica

walks into my office.
We might be trying for ‘professional’ at work, but that doesn’t mean
the sight of her doesn’t make something inside me light up. It’s getting to
the point where we’re both slightly concerned that it’s too obvious. Anyone
who spends more than a few minutes around the two of us when we’re
together would probably pick up on it - so Jessica tries to stay out of the
way as much as possible whenever I’m meeting anyone in my office.
That doesn’t stop my eyes from drifting down to that gorgeously tight
pencil skirt and the glossy tights she’s wearing, though. Or my mind from
following to yet another fantasy of pulling her onto my lap and making out
right here in my office.
I can’t help it. Things have just been getting better and better
between the two of us.
She’s staying over a few nights in the week now - and we even spent
last weekend together with Abbie, and my daughter was thrilled. Of course,
it helped that we did all her favorite things, but I don’t think I’m imagining
how much happier she seems at the moment. Having Jessica’s attention as
well as mine seems to be bringing her to life in the same way I feel so much
more alive now.
It’s like I’ve spent years just trying to get through the tough hand I’ve
been dealt…and I’ve finally found that there’s something at the end of all
that difficulty.
She’s helping me look for another Nanny for Abbie too - mostly
because I think Kara started despairing at her about the length of my search
- and I’m surprised how relieved I am about that. It’s something I’ve always
been so careful about and I’ve needed to be in full control over - but I don’t
think I realized how much it slowed me down not to have anyone else to
talk to about it.
 In business, I can make quick decisions in a heart beat - but with
Abbie? I’m not going to deny the thought of making the wrong choice
terrifies me. Simply having Jessica there to validate some of my own
thoughts has made it so much easier. We now have a shortlist and I’ve
entered into discussions about a trial period with one or two. Jessica
convinced me two would be better and I don’t think I can argue with that.
“Hey.” I say as she walks over toward me, then clear my throat to
dislodge some of the natural affection there. “I mean, what can I do for
you?”
She smiles, rolling her eyes at me and responding in a perfectly
professional tone.
“This came for you - it looks personal and it wasn’t with the usual
mail delivery, so I didn’t want to open it myself.”
She hands me a brown envelope and I take it automatically, nodding.
“Thanks.”
“Do you need anything else?”
“No, I should be good until my next meeting.”
“Okay, I’ll just be outside.”
I smile at her, unable to help the way my gaze catches with hers. “I
know.”
She smiles back, her eyes lingering for a moment too, before turning
and walking away again, my eyes drifting down to the way her gorgeous ass
moves in those heels yet again.
In some ways, I’m looking forward to when she finds another job. As
much as I like having her around all the time - and getting nice little
glimpses like that - I can’t help wanting all the time we spend together to be
about us. Not work or being professional or anything else. I don’t want to
have to restrain myself, or try not to look, or touch, or anything else.
She deserves to see just how much I can’t get enough of her, every
moment we’re together.
It’s not until she’s back behind her desk that I finally look at the
package she handed me, opening it up without a thought, still thinking
about Jessica.
I slip out the contents - and then I finally freeze, my eyes widening.
“Shit.”
In front of me are pictures of Jessica and I.
At dinner, holding her hand across the table.
At the park with Abbie.
Kissing, with my office building in the background, when I just
couldn’t wait any longer.
Clipped to the pictures is a hand-written note, the author obvious.
- Last chance to settle.
“Oh, shit.”
I look at the photos - of Jessica, of Abbie - and a spike of fear shoots
through me.
Then raging anger.
Jessica. Abbie. My family.
They took fucking photos of us? They followed us?!
“Fucking hell.”
My gaze flicks up to where Jessica is sat at her desk outside my
office, her face not visible from this angle - and then the edge of fear comes
back again. Not for me. For her - and everything this means. The high of
everything we’ve done together - the buzz from our new relationship, the
mind-blowing sex and feeling of finally coming home - all that crashes
down around me and I run a hand through my hair.
All the things we shouldn’t have done…all the risks we took…
“Fucking stupid. You’ve been so fucking stupid, Kenneth…”
My mouth settles into a grim line and I press the intercom button
with a reluctant firmness. I don’t want Jessica to have to be involved in this
- I wish I could pretend these didn’t exist, or discuss them with Patrick
without her ever knowing, but I know she wouldn’t want that. It wouldn’t
work, either.
 “Could you come in here for a moment, please?”
“Sure.”
Jessica walks in a moment later and as soon as she takes a look at
me, she frowns, concern flashing across her expression.
“What is it?”
“Come take a look at these.” I gesture toward the pictures spread
across my desk, still feeling disgusted by them.
She comes to stand beside me - and I hear the gasp as she works out
what they are.
“Oh god…”
“I know.” I say, turning to face her. I stand up and pull her into my
arms. “I’m sorry, Jessica. I’m sorry - and pissed off beyond belief - that
they’ve dragged you into all this.”
She looks up at me, her eyes wide.
“Am I going to get called into the trial? Am I going to have to say
something? Is this going to screw you over, Kenneth? Are you going to be
okay?” The questions rush out of her, almost a whisper as she holds onto
my arms. “Oh god, what are we going to do?”
“I don’t know yet, but I’m going to sort this. I never thought this was
something that could affect you - and I’m not going to let it.” I can feel how
fierce my gaze is, unable to keep it out of my expression as I look at her. I
lean down and kiss her, swept up in the passion and wild emotion of the
moment, not caring that we’re not doing that at work anymore - it’s not like
we’re going to be able to keep this a secret for much longer, anyway.
She kisses me back, her hands rising to tangle in my hair and we
have one breathless moment together before she pulls back, still looking
shocked.
“What are we going to do?”
My mouth hardens into a firm line as I start thinking about it, as I
start trying to work out what the hell I can do after something like that -
how I’m going to make any of this work.
 “I think…I think I might need to ask you to set up an emergency
meeting. And this time, I’m afraid you might need to be a part of it too, my
love.” I lean down and kiss her again, brushing my lips with hers. “I want to
work out what the best thing to do for you would be - just how we’re going
to protect you.”
Right now, that’s all I’m thinking about.
Whatever this means for my lawsuit can wait.

OceanofPDF.com
 Chapter Twenty-Two
Jessica

“We need to figure out the best way to frame this—”

“What do you mean ‘frame this’?” Kenneth turns to look at Kelly, his
head of PR, with a scowl. “We’re dating. There is no framing—”
“Yes, but—”
“And just how are we going to explain that to the court?” Patrick
interjects, his normally neutral face set into a serious frown.
“There’s no law against dating an employee.” Hamish, the additional
legal counsel Patrick brought in, points out.
“That’s not the point. This whole case is an infuriating mix of he-
said-she-said - and you know how this is going to look. We need to work
out the best defense—what we’re going to say in court—”
He says the last with another glance in Kenneth’s direction. I wasn’t
there for the semi-furious discussion they had when Kenneth revealed just
what had been going on between us - Kenneth shielded me from that much
at least - but I’ve got a good idea what he thinks about not being informed.
“I’m going to say we’re dating—”
“Why not ask her to give testimony—” Hamish suggests, to a
withering glance from Kenneth.
“Absolutely not—”
“I don’t mind—” I try to put in, but my quiet voice gets lost in the
chaos.
“You don’t know that the other side won’t try to get her into court
anyway.” Patrick says, looking over at Kenneth. “We need to prepare her
for that—”
“It’s late for that.” Hamish says, frowning. “The court date is in two
weeks. They’d have to petition the judge—”
“Doesn’t mean they won’t—”
 “But for an unfriendly witness?” He shakes his head. “Seems
unlikely. They’ll just bring it out in Kenneth’s testimony instead.”
“You know, half of this would go away if we just settled the case.”
Kelly interrupts. “Not all of it, but it would be much easier to deal with
‘CEO dating his secretary’ than ‘CEO wrapped up in sexual harassment
lawsuit is dating his secretary’.”
“Any deal they give us now is going to be hard to swallow—”
“It’s not all about the money, you know. We’re not going to have
anything to pay with if this goes the wrong way for us. Just what is the
chance we actually win this thing?”
The lawyers don’t quite meet her gaze and my stomach clenches as it
continues, everyone talking over each other as they try to sort through
everything we need to deal with now. They’ve been at this for half an hour,
talking in circles and seemingly no closer to an answer.
My face has been flushed with embarrassment this whole time and
even Kenneth’s attempts to squeeze my hand in reassurance can’t change
how awkward I feel about having caused all this.
What all the people in this room must think.
I haven’t even been able to even look at Tyler Adams - the head of
HR who recommended me for this position in the first place. It’s stupid, but
it feels like I betrayed him in some way, even with Kenneth sitting here
defending me in every possible way.
“What do we do until then, anyway?” Kelly asks.
“About what?”
“About…this.” She gestures toward us and my cheeks burn again.
“You can’t be working together anymore. We need to minimize the
exposure on this—”
“You mean a transfer?” Tyler frowns, tapping his pen against the
table. “Or…a leave of absence?”
That unpleasant sinking feeling in my gut intensifies. I know the only
reason he’s saying leave of absence instead of something more like fire her
is because I’m sitting right here - with Kenneth next to me.
 “Surely changing things would be admitting something is wrong?”
Felix, her PR deputy, asks. So far he’s been pretty quiet, looking a little
overwhelmed by all the strong personalities in the room.
“Well now that we know, we have to be seen to doing something
about it—”
“It would be against our HR policies to allow that to continue.” Tyler
nods, with a slightly apologetic glance in Kenneth’s direction.
“I’ve started looking for other jobs.” I say, finally finding a small lull
to speak up in and saying the only thing I can to defend myself. I’m pretty
sure it won’t change what they think of me right now, but at least I know
that I’ve tried my best to do the right thing here. I glance over at Kenneth.
“Once we got together, we knew we couldn’t continue—”
“You can’t do that!” Kelly exclaims and I blink at her sudden fervor.
“If you get another job, it will look like we pushed you out - that we’ve
fired you—”
Which is sort of what you’re talking about doing.
I think it, but I don’t even try to say it out loud - and I wouldn’t have
a chance as Patrick speaks up too.
“That’s true.” Patrick agrees slowly, his deep voice covering her own.
“It would look exactly like what Danielle is accusing us of - firing someone
after inappropriate sexual advances.”
“They’re not sexual advances.” Kenneth growls. “We’re dating.”
“Whatever you want to call it.” Kelly says, obviously irritated. “And
however it happened - it’s still not appropriate workplace behavior.
Especially as the CEO—”
The arguing peaks again as everyone starts speaking and I feel
myself sinking slowly into my seat, my head buzzing and churning with all
the thoughts and ideas and opinions. It becomes a storm of noise and I stop
trying to pick any one individual voice out of it or follow what they’re
saying.
Whatever they’re debating about what I should do, I already know
some of the answers.
 I can’t work here anymore.
I’ll do whatever they ask to help with the lawsuit - testify, not testify,
whatever they want - but there’s no way Kenneth and I can keep working
together. Not now that our secret relationship isn’t so secret anymore.
After a few minutes of sitting there, my ears ringing and everything
feeling totally overwhelming - I push back my chair and slip outside the
room. I’m not sure anyone notices, all caught up in arguing with each other
about anything and everything.
The moment I get outside, it’s like a breath of fresh air as blissful
quiet washes over my ears. I walk back to my desk - my former desk, I
guess - and lean against it, my hands palm down and fingers splayed as I
bend over and take several deep breaths.
I can’t shake the sinking feeling inside me. Whatever else comes of
this, I’m pretty sure the damage to my career is already done. Kenneth is
powerful and important enough that he might be able to get away with it - a
year from now, everyone will have forgotten as other scandals wash this
one away and he returns to the work everyone wants him to do.
But me?
The secretary who slept with her boss?
I close my eyes tightly, the anxiety twisting through my stomach -
then jump when an arm comes around my shoulders.
“Are you okay?” Kenneth asks from beside me, his deep voice
reaching all the way into me. “I’m sorry about all that, back there.”
I sigh and turn toward him, letting him tuck me up into his arms and
burying my head against his neck. I breathe him in deeply as he strokes my
back. The back of my mind questions whether we should be doing this right
here in the open, after everything, but I ignore it. Everyone already knows -
this can’t make it any worse, can it?
So I might as well take the comfort.
“You shouldn’t be caught up in this whole mess at all.” He says, his
voice obviously pained.
 I shrug as I look up at him, sighing softly. “I got involved with you
just as much as you got involved with me.”
I might be the secretary and he might be the big impressive CEO, but
I can at least claim my own choices in all this.
“It’s not your fault anymore than mine, I don’t want you thinking
that.” I add.
“All this lawsuit stuff is on me.”
My mouth twists at that and I press against his chest just enough to
make my point. “No, that’s on Danielle. You didn’t cause all this, she did.”
He sighs too, his hands trailing down my back and settling on my
hips, fingers playing there almost idly. I like it even if it isn’t conscious -
just being in his embrace helps, no matter how screwed everything else is
right now.
We stand like that for a few minutes and then I finally say it.
“I’m going to quit, Kenneth. I don’t see any other option - I can’t
keep working here after all this.”
“I know.” He nods. “Don’t listen to anything they said, though. You
look for whatever job you like - it doesn’t matter how that affects things
here, we’ll deal with it. That’s not something for you to worry about.”
“Yeah, because anyone really needs to worry about me walking into a
job after this.” I can’t help the slightly bitter response and when he frowns
at me, I sigh again, letting my head fall back to his shoulder. “Who’s going
to employ me after all this? A girl who left her last job because she slept
with the boss…yeah…that’s going to go down really well.”
“Shit.” He mutters, his hold tightening on me. “Jessica…”
“It’s okay.” I say, before he can start feeling bad. “I brought it on
myself—”
“Everything that happened, we did together.” He says, his voice firm.
“So we’ll deal with it together. We’ll figure this out, Jessica. I promise
you.”
I close my eyes again, not really wanting to think about it. Maybe
he’s right, but it’s hard to feel like anything will be easy right now.
 “This whole thing will blow over.” He continues, his tone softening
as he tries to reassure me.
“Maybe.” I say. “I don’t know. But either way, I don’t think I’m
going to have a job fast enough for any of you to worry about.”
“Maybe that’s not such a bad thing, you know. You weren’t quite sure
what you wanted to do next anyway - this could give you some time to
think about it.”
“Yeah, maybe.” I say, feeling bad that I sound so negative about it all
when he’s only trying to reassure and support me. It’s not like it’s just me
affected by all this. We have no idea how this lawsuit is going to end or
what it will do to his job either.
I look up, trying to give him a small smile.
“It’s okay.” I say, putting a little more certainty into it than I probably
feel. “We’ll work it out, Kenneth. It’ll be okay.”
He smiles back, leaning in to kiss me. I get that slight-panic-
appropriateness thought again, but what the hell. I meet him with all the
passion he puts into it and by the time we part, we’re both breathless and
little bit dazed.
“So long as I have you, I don’t really care about the rest of it.” He
says softly. “None of that matters when I think about you.”
I flush slightly, but he’s not done, raising a hand to stroke my cheek.
“Move in with me, Jessica.”
I blink, the suggestion coming out of nowhere.
“What?”
“Move in with me.” He repeats, brushing his lips across mine. “I’m
not going to get to see you everyday at the office anymore…so at least let
me see you everyday somehow—”
“But—”
“I’ll talk to Abbie. We’ll work it out, I promise.” He says, sounding
like he’s already thought about this a lot more than I have, before he
continues with a murmur. “I don’t want to think of you sitting alone at
home, Jessie. Suddenly not working…that can be tough if you’re all alone.”
 Shit.
I hadn’t thought about that. Another tremor of anxiety goes through
me and I wonder whether he might have a point.
“Okay…I’ll…think about it.” I finally say, unable to look away from
the intensity in his eyes.
His mouth curves up into a half-smile. “I’ll take that.”
I can’t help but smile slightly too, his own expression infectious. And
even though I don’t know what’s going to happen and I’m worried about
not working - and not being able to work - it warms something inside me
that he’s already thinking about it, already coming up with ways to make
me feel better about problems I haven’t even thought of yet.
“I love you, Kenneth.”
His smile lights up even further. “I love you too, Jessica. And I’ll
make this right - we’ll figure it out.”
I nod, then frown slightly, my eyes drifting to the clock on the wall
behind him as I wonder how long he’s been out here with me.
“Don’t you have to go back to the meeting? They might not notice if
I disappear, but…”
He shakes his head. “We weren’t getting anywhere. We agreed on the
most important issues we need to address and everyone has gone away to
come up with potential solutions and the pros and cons of them. Hopefully
when we’ve at least worked out individually what the right course of action
is, tomorrow’s discussion will be a little less…”
“Chaotic?” I suggest and he smiles slightly.
“Yeah, that.”
“Okay.” I say, nodding, then I glance at my desk. “I should probably
pack my desk up this afternoon, right?”
He nods slowly. “I guess so.”
I don’t miss the look of disappointment on his face.
“Damn, I’m going to miss having you around.”
“Yeah…”
 I don’t really want to think about it, but I’m going to miss the job too.
Even apart from being around Kenneth all the time, being this close to
someone at the center of the business was just so much more interesting
than any other secretary job I’ve had.
I sigh, leaning back to perch on the desk, and raise a hand to rub my
forehead.
“I might go and get coffee first. And probably something sugary and
bad for me. I think I’ve got a headache from that meeting.”
“I know that feeling. Do you want me to come with you?”
I shake my head. “Thanks, but…I think I could use a little bit of air, a
chance to think. Do you want me to pick you anything up?”
“No, thanks. I’ve…got a lot to work out right now.”
I nod, rising to give him another hug before grabbing my bag and
coat.
That makes two of us.
At least, I guess, we’ve got each other while we do it.

* * *

“Hey, are you..Jessica? Jessica Reynolds?”

Hearing my name pulls me out of the reverie I was in and I turn
toward the voice, my bear claw pastry in my hands as I wait for the extra-
shot latte I ordered.
The woman I come face-to-face with looks like she’s a little bit older
than me - maybe in her thirties - with dirty-blond hair cut into a bob and
blue eyes that look a little bit earnest, a little bit uncertain as they look over
at me. I’m pretty sure I’ve never seen her before in my life, but the friendly
smile on her face that makes me want to at least question that - that, and the
way she seems to know me.
“Um, yes.”
“Could I…talk to you for a moment?”
 I glance back at the chaotic noise and bustle of over-stretched staff
making drinks and figure I’m going to be waiting for a little while anyway.
“Err, sure…” I step back from the counter and crowd of people
around it, keeping it within sight but moving out of the way and toward the
other woman. I look at her again. “I’m sorry, do I know you?”
“Oh, sorry. My name is Amanda - Amanda Speed. I work for
ExVenture too, in the Sales department.”
She didn’t need to add that. The moment she says her name, I know
exactly who she is, and I can’t help looking back at her in shock.
I’ve never seen her before - sure, I might have arranged some
meetings and calls between Kenneth and the sales team, so I’ve seen her
name on emails, but never her face in person. That’s not why I’m shocked.
Kenneth mentioned her a while back - wondering out loud why
someone who actually worked for him would be willing to make up or go
along with these vicious lies about him. In the end we figured Danielle must
be offering to split some of the settlement with her if they won, and
dismissed her as yet another person with more greed than morals.
Why the hell does she want to talk to me?!
I almost tell her to fuck off right then and there, rage suddenly
boiling up inside me. After everything that happened this morning as well -
after the pictures of Abbie and I - the fucked up tactics they’re using to try
and win this thing and the very real effect of it all…it takes all my self
control not to cussing her out and demanding answers.
She continues before I can quite get over my surprise, my tongue still
tied up in knots.
“I know you work closely with Kenneth Stark and I heard…well…I
just, I know you don’t know me, but sometimes it can be hard, working
under someone like…that. I wanted you to know that if you ever wanted to
talk…or needed support or anything like that…there are people you could
talk to.”
I blink, my confusion swamping the anger as I try to work out what
on earth she’s saying.
 “I…what?”
She shrugs, giving me a gentle smile that seems - as far as I can work
it out - like it’s genuine. “I’m sorry if it’s out of line of me to say, but I
just…I know what he can be like sometimes. I’m sure you’ve heard things
about this lawsuit he’s currently defending and I—well, I used to work with
Danielle. So I know—I know what it can be like.”
“Latte, extra-shot.”
The call startles me and I turn away for a moment, looking back over
to my coffee, my head still buzzing.
“I—sorry, that’s mine.” I tell her. “Just give me—give me a
moment.”
I go to fetch it from the counter, my heart pounding all of a sudden.
I don’t really know what she’s saying, I can’t understand it, but…she
doesn’t seem like the malicious woman I’d imagined. If anything she
seems…nice. Apart from the whole helping to take the man I love to court
thing.
It’s enough that when I come back, I hesitate over my initial urge to
tell her just how wrong she is. Instead, I play dumb, my curiosity and
disbelief strong enough to want to find out more about exactly what’s going
on here. And who knows, maybe it will even help.
We could use something that actually helps right now.
“Sorry about that. I, um, I’m not quite sure…what did you hear about
me? From who?” I shake my head. “I’m sorry, I’m just…”
It’s not hard to sound surprised or confused right now, as I try to
work out what I can say to draw her out and find out more, without giving
away just how much I’m on the opposite side here.
“Don’t worry.” Amanda says immediately. “It’s nothing that anyone
will use against you—nothing that’s happened is your fault. We just…we
want to make sure that’s clear. That these are things he’s doing, and it needs
to stop.”
It’s even less hard to look confused. I don’t actually know what
things she thinks she’s talking about. But since acting like I have no idea
what she’s talking about would probably have her withdrawing from this
conversation entirely, I don’t say that. Instead, I seize on something else.
Something I want her to admit to.
“We?” I ask, frowning. “Who’s we?”
She flushes slightly, then shrugs as I take a sip of my coffee. I wince
almost immediately as it scalds my tongue. So much for acting casual.
“Well…the team we’ve got working on this lawsuit, I guess.” She
shakes her head. “That’s not why I approached you, though, really. I mean,
if you wanted to be part of that, it would be great, but I just wanted you to
know that there are other people who’ve been in your place and you can
talk about it. And hopefully soon, we’ll be able to change the whole toxic
environment.”
“Other people?” I ask, then bite my tongue at the next question,
hoping it won’t end this conversation altogether. “You’ve…you’ve worked
with Kenneth too, right? Do you mean…something happened?”
She glances away for a moment, then slowly shakes her head.
“No. Not me personally.” She shrugs. “I guess I’m not his type.”
I fight the urge to grind my teeth.
Right. Because that’s the only possible reason Kenneth wouldn’t
harass you.
“Oh.” I say, focusing on continuing to act confused. I don’t want to
let this chance slip away. “But you…you’ve seen something, then?”
That’s the question I really want the answer to. It’s what she’s been
saying - and it’s the only real reason they have a case against Kenneth -
because of what she claimed she’d witnessed.
It’s hard to ignore the slight excitement bubbling in my stomach as I
wait, the feeling that this might actually be something - that I might get
something we can use. The way she’s come across, it’s hard to believe she’d
lie…but I have no idea how she can say she actually saw something, either.
“Well…” She glances off to the side again and that’s it - that moment
of hesitation I was waiting for. “I’m talking about what happened to
Danielle.”
 I frown slightly as she dodges the question, but make it into concern.
“What did happen to Danielle, exactly? I wasn’t around at the time…”
“Pretty much what you’d guess—he hit on her while they were
working together, kept taking her out to fancy meals and having all these
one-on-one ‘work’ meetings in all these other cities as they were trying to
close deals. I’m in Sales too, just like she was, and I do something similar
now - I know how it is. He obviously wanted more from her than just the
professional and didn’t want to take ‘no’ for an answer…when she refused,
well, he made working together difficult enough that she felt she had no
other option but to find another job. Even though she loved the team and
was so passionate about working there - she’s been there for years, worked
her way up from the bottom.” Amanda shakes her head, her lip curling up
in disgust. “I hate the way that seems to happen so easily. It’s part of the
problem working in such a male-dominated industry, but someone who’s
given so much…they deserve more than to be viewed as some kind of sex
object. It’s not right.”
I blink at that, somewhat surprised by the sudden passion. I wonder
what might have happened there, to have her so obviously frustrated about
that issue. It’s definitely not a reason I would have thought about for all of
this, but I’m starting to get a picture of just why she might be willing to lie
about all this.
“It’s something that seems to be exposed all the time at the moment.”
I shake my head, not having to feign sympathy. Really, all the stories that
have come out about how often this occurs in politics and entertainment
have disgusted me just as much. “I would never have guessed it about
ExVenture too, though…or Kenneth…are you really sure he did all that? I
mean, I’ve worked pretty closely with him for a while now and I’ll admit,
I’ve heard some pretty vicious rumors, but—it’s just so hard to imagine him
actually behaving that way—but, you said you’d seen it?”
I shake my head again, trying to lean heavily on the disbelief. She
didn’t actually say that to me, but I know it’s what she’s saying in her
testimony - and I want to hear her admit it.
I want her to say she hasn’t actually seen anything - and I want to
give her a reason to question everything she might have heard.
 This far in, I’m willing to take the risk that she disappears completely
once she works out we’re not actually talking about the mutual experience
she thought we were.
Her eyes widen and she takes another look at me.
“You mean you haven’t—he hasn’t—”
I shake my head. “No. That’s why I asked what you’d heard and who
you’d heard it from…I don’t know what people are saying, but, well…”
“Oh.”
“I really appreciate you coming to speak to me, though, and caring
like that…it’s not every day someone reaches out to offer that kind of
support.” I give her a small smile, trying to get her to relax before pressing
my point. I’m starting to think I won’t get the clear-cut answer I want, but
still…still…I can’t help but try.
“Thank you for the warning, though…damn, it’s still so hard to
believe.” I shake my head, making my question as disbelieving and
rhetorical as possible. “You actually saw him hitting on Danielle?”
She hesitates again, clearly uncomfortable, but eventually she gives
me the answer I’ve been waiting for.
“Well…not directly. But Danielle’s told me all about it…I know how
many one-to-one meetings they had and…”
She trails off as she catches the expression I don’t try to hide, my
total change in attitude not the slightest bit fake or put on. I’ve wanted the
chance to say this since she first stopped talking.
“You didn’t actually see anything?” I repeat, and the horror is right
there in my voice. “Wait, you just said all that based on…what you’d
heard? It’s just…another of these rumors?”
“No.” She shakes her head vehemently. “I know what happened.
Danielle told me everything after she left - and I know her. It’s not a rumor -
she wouldn’t make something like that up.”
I’m silent for a moment, just long enough for that to sink in. For the
silent question - the doubt.
The very obvious reason why she might do exactly that.
 “Are you sure about that? As sure about that as you seem to be about
Kenneth?” I shake my head. “I don’t know, Amanda. That’s a pretty vile
thing to be spreading around if you don’t know for certain - if you didn’t see
it yourself.”
“I—”
“Guys that do that shit, sure, they deserve everything they get.” I
continue, not giving her a chance to argue. “But I’d be pretty terrified of
getting something like that wrong, wouldn’t you? It’s too easy to get the
wrong idea with all these rumors, but it’s the kind of thing that could wreck
someone. I mean, Kenneth has a four-year-old daughter - hell, I always
figured there was nothing to those rumors just because he seems to spend
all his time worrying about her.”
I shake my head again, taking a long sip of my coffee and looking
back at her with obvious dismay.
“Look, I think I’d better go. I’m not the kind of person to stand
around gossiping about my boss - I just thought you were talking about
something more than hearsay. I still appreciate the concern, but…I think I’d
prefer to make up my own mind about all of this. I think it’s entirely too
risky to trust something someone’s told someone else, when it’s about
something so important.”
I give her a short nod and walk away before she can say anything
else, leaving her looking slightly shell-shocked by the strength of my
reaction.
It’s not until I get out of the coffee shop that I let the my slow,
triumphant grin spread across my face.
I got her to admit she didn’t see anything. I did! Ha!
I walk at almost double-pace to get back to tell Kenneth. He can tell
the lawyers in his meeting tomorrow.
Maybe that will make the difference in this whole case. Maybe, with
that, everything that came out about me today won’t be quite so much of a
disaster.
Finally getting to say what I thought about her going along with
things Danielle has told her was satisfying as hell, too. I can’t expect any of
my questions or comments to really get through to her if she’s already blind
enough she’s willing to do this for her friend - and when it comes out that
I’m dating Kenneth, I’m sure she’ll be angry enough to for everything I said
to lose it’s meaning. But it still felt good to say anyway.
And if it makes her think, even a little bit, for a small amount of time,
then it was worth it.

OceanofPDF.com
 Chapter Twenty-Three
Kenneth

By the time I leave the office the next day, I’ve got a splitting
headache and totally despondent about the lawsuit.
The only good thing is knowing that I’ll be coming home to Jessica
as well as Abbie. If anything can make me feel better, it’s my two girls -
together.
I was excited when Jessica relayed everything Amanda had said to
me - but talking to my lawyers this morning, none of it makes any
difference. Jessica didn’t record anything that they said - how could she
have - and even if she had, it’s highly questionable whether the court would
allow it.
So it’s just another case of he-said-she-said. Or, I guess, in this
instance she-said-she-said.
Like this whole god-damn case.
No one came up with a solid strategy for how we’re going to deal
with it if I get questioned about dating Jessica, either. It’s not in the official
testimony, since it didn’t even exist at that time, but even so…it’s hard to
believe they’re not going to bring it up. I was sent those pictures for a
reason - even if my legal team is hoping it was just to convince me to settle.
That was about the only strategy anyone had for me today - even my
lawyer, who knows how I feel about it. It didn’t exactly do much to reassure
me about my chances here.
It’s enough that I’m actually wondering whether I should think about
it. It’s not like I care about the money, and now that this is affecting Jessica
too…and someone is following me taking pictures of my daughter…
fucking hell.
That was the other thing no one could give me an answer on - just
how to stop that.
 I wanted a restraining order filed, or some sort of protection, or
something but…we don’t have any of the information we’d need for that.
As Hamish said, those pictures might have just been a one time thing.
Whoever Danielle hired or persuaded to get them - and it could be anyone -
might be done with it now.
I’m not sure I believe that. Someone started spreading rumors about
the rooms I had when I stayed with Jessica in New York. Someone told my
investors all about this lawsuit. Someone - and I have a very good idea who
- is trying to make this as difficult as possible for me.
I wanted us to bring that up to the judge - to show him the pictures
and accuse her of harassment - but no one else liked that idea. Apparently,
I’m too close to this. Too emotional about it to properly weigh up the risks.
Well, who’d have guessed?
I’m still somewhere between rage, frustration and exhaustion when I
get home.
As soon as I open the door, the warm scent of lasagna hits me and it’s
the first time all day that I feel some of the tightly wound tension. I pause in
the doorway and take a deep breath, trying to let that help me put the day
behind me. The last thing I want is to bring all that shit home with me.
“Daddy!”
The squeal has me open my eyes again and I see Abbie slipping and
sliding down the hall as she runs toward me, the socks on polished wooden
flooring making me since.
“Hey, little girl.” I say, smiling and kneeling to scoop her up into my
arms. “Have you had a good day?”
“Uhuh.” She nods, then mimics me, saying it a little slower. “Have
you had a good day?”
“Mm…I’m having a good day now that I’m back with you.” I say, in
a half-truth. “Hey, d’you think dinner is almost ready?”
“Yeah!” She grins, then starts tugging on my hand.
“Okay, okay…” I let her lead me to the kitchen, shrugging off my
coat and jacket when I get to the table.
 Jessica turns around from the counter, smiling immediately when she
sees me.
“That smells amazing.” I tell her, wishing I could walk forward and
kiss her the way I’d like to greet her - but that’s a little bit too much for my
little girl right now.
Instead, I pick Abbie up and swirl her around, tickling her a little.
She squeals and laughs and hugs me - and I get another moment to
appreciate little things like that.
The good things. The ones that make everything worth it, even if it’s
hard to remember that sometimes.
“Thanks. We were just waiting for you - it’s all ready. Shall I serve
up?”
I smile back at her, relaxing just a little bit more. I can’t help it - I
can’t imagine a better way to come home.
It feels like family.
The thought strikes me and my smile widens even further. That’s
what I want - more than anything.
This is all that matters.
“Yes, thank you.” I nod, then take Abbie over to the sink. “C’mon
little girl, you need to wash your hands before dinner.”
“But—” She squirms, but I’ve got the tap on and her hands under it
before she can say anything else and I plant a kiss on the top of her head.
“There, all done. Will you go and sit at the table for me, hmm? Be a
good girl so I can help Jessica with dinner?”
She looks at me for a moment as I set her down, her head tilted back
to consider me in a way that makes me want to laugh. She’s adorable when
she’s being serious.
“Mm…’kay.”
“Thank you, sweetie.” I tussle her hair, then turn back to the counter
where Jessica is getting food out of the oven.
 “Can I help?” I ask, reaching into the drawer and taking out a couple
of aspirin. My headache has eased off a little bit, but the dull, throbbing
pain is still there.
“No, don’t worry about it.” She glances across at me, then continues
in a quieter tone. “How’d it go today?”
I shake my head and reply in the same low voice. “Not how we were
hoping. I’ll talk to you about it later.”
Her face drops, but she nods - then watches as I swallow back the
aspirin.
“Are you okay?”
I shrug, trying to ease some of the tension in my shoulders.
“Yeah, just a headache. I’m sure it’ll clear up in a bit.” I look over
my shoulder at the table and start getting cutlery out. “I’ll get the table
ready.”
“Thanks.” She gives me a small smile, but it doesn’t quite cover her
concern.
Or my own.
I do my best to ignore it - and I can tell she’s doing the same - as we
sit down to dinner with Abbie and I start helping her with her food. After a
few minutes, some of the stress eases a little and I’m able to focus on what I
really want to. It helps to have Jessica here as well - to let myself get a little
distracted by daydreaming about the idea of having this kind of family life
back again.
The one I haven’t had since my ex-wife walked out.
By the end of the meal I’m smiling, looking over at Jessica with a
warmth and appreciation that lets me forget about all the high-tension
discussions today, at least for a little while.
When dinner is over and Abbie is happily lying in the living room
coloring - within sight in my open-plan living space, but far enough away
that she’s humming under her breath and not paying the slightest attention
to us - Jessica and I start clearing up together.
 “How was the new Nanny?” I ask, after a few moments. What I
really want to talk about - what we both want to talk about - is how the
meeting with my lawyers went. But I don’t want to risk that when we could
be interrupted at any moment. “Hannah, wasn’t it, today?”
“Yes, Hannah.” Jessica says, then laughs. “Just how much attention
have you been paying, if you’re not even sure of her name?”
I grin at her over the dishwasher. “I pay plenty of attention to what’s
important…though I have to admit, it helps to have you helping out with all
that now.”
“No wonder Kara was so relieved to leave.” Jessica teases, before
giving me a reassuring smile. “It seemed to go well. Abbie was a little shy
at first, but Hannah is really sweet - I think they’ll get on well.”
“Good.” I smile back, sighing slightly. One less thing to worry about,
at least. I walk over to her and kiss her, just briefly, not quite the way I’ve
been wanting to do since I got home. “Thank you for finally making
progress with all that. It’s much easier, knowing you were here too. I worry
less.”
She returns my smile, then glances over my shoulder at where Abbie
is lying before pressing forward for a light kiss of her own.
“I missed you.” She murmurs. “It was strange not being at the
office.”
“It was strange not having you there.” I nod, then grin. “I had to get
my own coffee and everything.”
“No.” She gasps in mock-horror, grinning at me. “Don’t tell me they
haven’t found you a temporary replacement yet.”
“I asked them not to. Not yet. I’m not sure I’m quite ready for
someone else to be sitting at that desk.”
She laughs, rolling her eyes, then slips out from next to me and clears
the last of the things from the table. “Sometimes, I think you’re more of a
romantic than I am.”
“Maybe.” I smile, leaning back against the counter to watch her.
“So…on that note…shall I take you staying over last night as the first night
in your new home?”
I raise an eyebrow at her as she spins back around to face me,
laughing disbelief on her face.
“Kenneth!”
“What?” I ask, affecting innocence. “Wasn’t that what we’d agreed?”
“I said I’d think about it.”
“And…”
“Well…” She bites her lip, and I don’t miss the way she glances over
at Abbie. “We still don’t know…”
I smile at her, pulling her in towards me. “It will be fine. C’mon. I’ll
show you.”
I take her hand and start walking over to Abbie, then glance back. “If
that’s the only thing stopping you?”
She pauses for a moment, then nods, almost shyly. “If she’s okay…
then yeah. Yeah. Okay.”
I grin. That’s exactly what I wanted to hear.
“Hey, little girl.” I call out as we step past the couch. “Jessica and I
were just talking about something.”
She twists around from where she’s lying on the floor to look at us
and I pick her right up the floor, spinning her around and making her shriek
before settling her on my hip. I grin at her, unable to help my sudden mood.
“You know, sweetie, I really like Jessica.” I say, bouncing her a little.
“And I really like it when she’s here. What do you think? Do you like it
when she’s here?”
She looks over toward Jessica, who gives her an encouraging smile,
even though I’m pretty sure she’s squirming inside.
“Mm…yeah!” She nods. “Jessica is nice.”
“That’s what I think.” I nod back at her. “I was thinking it would be
even nicer if she could be here all the time. What do you think, baby girl?
Would you like Jessica to come and stay with us, too?”
 She looks back and forwards between us, her little face scrunching up
a little bit - and I have one heart-stopping moment where I’m not sure this
will go my way.
“Like a…sleepover?” She asks and I nod.
“Yeah, like that, but…all the time. So it would be you, and me, and
Jessica. All three of us together.” I brush her hair back from her face. “I
think that sounds really nice.”
She looks up at me for a moment, and I wonder how this is going to
go - but then she nods up and down, her head moving with enough force
I’m surprised she doesn’t get dizzy.
“Okay.” She says, easily enough.
My smile widens and the tension all flows out of me in a rush. I play
with her, holding her up above my head until she’s giggling and all her little
limbs are waving around before bringing her down and letting her squeal
and wrap her arms around my neck.
“I love you, baby girl - and you know, we’ll have lots of special
Daddy time together. Just us. I promise.” I kiss her on the forehead and she
tightens her arms around me.
“Love you too, Daddy.”
I smile as I set her back down on the ground, tousling her hair as she
goes back to coloring without another glance in our direction.
‘See?’ I mouth at Jessica, who rolls her eyes at me again - but her
cheeks are flushed and I can see the smile tugging at her lips.
We spend the next hour before Abbie’s bedtime as the three of us,
playing with Abbie in a way that fills my heart almost until it’s bursting.
This is what I want. This is what’s right, and good, and everything we
need.
This is what Abbie has been missing.
At bedtime, I take Abbie upstairs and help her with her bath and
pajamas before reading her a story. By the time I’m finished, she’s almost
asleep, but I still sit there for several moments, just looking at her and
wondering how I got this lucky.
 This is all that’s truly important. Abbie and Jessica. The family we
could build together.
“I love you, Abbie.” I whisper softly, stroking her hair. “I’m so glad
you like Jessica, too.”
She half-mumbles something and I’m not even sure it’s in response
to me, but I smile anyway.
“Goodnight, sweetheart. I’ll see you in the morning.”
When I get back downstairs, Jessica is waiting with a bottle of wine
open on the living room table.
She looks up at me, smiling gently as she pours us a couple of
glasses.
“It looked like you could use it.” She says, by way of explanation.
“And I thought maybe we should celebrate.”
I join her, finally pulling her into my arms the way I’ve wanted to do
all evening - leaning down to kiss her deeply, our mouths and tongues
tangling together until I feel like I’ve finally come home. When I draw
back, we’re both breathless and I can feel my half-hard cock starting to
press against my slacks. I don’t know how she does this to me all the time,
but she does. I can’t get enough of her.
She hands me a glass of wine and I smile.
“I like the idea of that second reason a whole lot more than the first.”
I clink it against her glass and run my hand down her back, settling on her
hip as I look at her. “To the future.”
She smiles too, echoing the sentiment before we both take a sip.
“I’m glad Abbie was okay with everything.” She says quietly, as we
take a seat together on the couch.
I pull her closer against me, wanting to feel every curve of her body
pressed against mine - and she brings her legs up to tuck under her, leaning
her head against my shoulder.
“She was always going to be. It might take her a while longer to
realize it, but I think she likes you just as much as I do.”
 “I…I really like her too, but…we’ll see, okay?” She murmurs. “I
don’t want…there shouldn’t be any pressure, alright?”
“No.” I kiss her head, stroking her shoulder. “There’s no pressure.
For either of you. I’m just…I’m really happy about all this, Jessica. More
happy than I ever thought I’d be again.”
She looks up at me, smiling, and the light from it seems like it’s
reflected in her eyes. “Me too.”
I lean down to kiss her, tasting the wine on her lips and starting to
think about doing a whole lot more than just kissing.
She pulls back before I can act on the thought - and when she looks
up at me, the edge of concern on her expression tells me what her next
question is going to be.
“So…do you want to talk about it?” She asks, her hand trailing
patterns over my thigh. “What I told you about Amanda Speed didn’t
help?”
I sigh, some of the warmth and contentment disappearing as I think
back to my meeting today. Jessica deserves to know what’s going on, but
just for a brief moment, I’m disappointed to feel my illusions of how
perfect everything is shattering.
“No.” I say, reluctantly. “It’s good to know - and some of the angles
you mentioned, the reasons she’s got, those are definitely things we can
mention if we question her in court - but without any evidence…we can’t
prove she’s lying.”
Jessica bites her lip, playing with it as she sighs. “I’m sorry, Kenneth.
I’d hoped…”
“Me too.”
“How about the rest of it? How is the case looking?”
I wince, not sure I want to admit the answer to that - even to myself -
but Jessica is the one person who I can really talk to. I’ve told her things
I’ve never told anyone else, not since my ex-wife left, and I’ve always felt
better for being able to share it. She deserves to know, too. It’s just…I hate
that she’s caught up in all this.
 “Not good.” I finally say. “The only real advice anyone had for me
was to settle. I mean, Patrick’s prepared a case - and he’s even working with
a whole legal team to try and fine-tune it now - and we know what we’re
going to do in court. It’s just that no one can tell me it’s going to work. Hell,
I’m starting to doubt anyone believes it’s going to work. Kelly is panicking
about my public image and the way this could impact the firm, Patrick
doesn’t have a good answer to how it will look that I’m dating you now—”
“Is it because of us? Is that why no one thinks you’re going to win?”
She looks up at me and it’s impossible not to see the hurt there.
“Hey, no, it’s not like that…” I lean down to kiss her and she sinks
into it with me, the physical comfort something we both need right now.
“It’s just…one more thing. And I wouldn’t change any of it for a heartbeat,
you know, not even the stupid risks and crazy impatience we had. It brought
you here right now - that’s all that really matters to me.”
“I know, I just…” She sighs softly. “What’s the plan, though? What
are you going to say about us, if they ask, Kenneth?”
“That we’re dating. No one else had any other suggestions, so we’re
going with mine. I’ll tell them exactly what happened, if they want to know
- that I love you, I used to love you and still do, and once we realized that
we knew you needed to find another job…but we started dating anyway. A
bit prematurely, but it’s love. What can you do?”
She laughs, the soft sound unexpected and warm, making me feel just
a little bit better.
“So you’re just going to hope the judge is a romantic?” She grins,
leaning up to kiss me.
“Something like that.” I murmur, my mouth meeting hers.
The feeling of being with her overwhelms me - of seeing her looking
up at me with such a warm, compassionate expression…full of all the
longing and hope I share…
This is everything. This is the only thing that truly matters.
The thought hits me and by the time we part, I finally say the thing
that’s been nagging at the back of my mind all day. Longer, even. Ever
since I got those pictures.
 “I’ve started thinking maybe I should settle, Jessica.”
She blinks, pulling back for a moment to look at me with wide eyes.
“Wait, what?”
She knows how I feel about that - everything I’ve said all along. But
now…
“I spoke to Patrick today. There’s no way to stop them following me,
or you, or all of us, Abbie included. Whoever took those photos…I don’t
know. It was okay when it was just me, but this is affecting all of us now—”
“Kenneth—”
“No, really. I don’t care about the money. I never have. I just felt
dirty thinking about settling a case for something I absolutely didn’t do, that
repulses me to even think about. I didn’t want to be one of those people. I
didn’t do it and I wanted to prove it - but all that really is, is pride. And the
idea that you’ve both been dragged into this because of my pride—”
“Kenneth, no, it’s not like that.” She sits up, looking at me with
alarm, her hand resting on my arm. “That’s exactly what she wants. That’s
why she took those pictures. To bully you into giving her what she wants -
probably because she knows she can’t even win in court—”
“That’s not what my lawyers think.”
“Well, screw them.” She shakes her head. “You don’t deserve this -
and you definitely don’t deserve to feel like you have to settle this god-
damn case.”
“It’s the logical thing to do.” I sigh. “That’s what everyone’s been
telling me all along. I just refused to listen.”
“And I know that - and I know why. I agree with you. I have all
along. You can’t give up because of me - because of us.” She looks at me,
eyes shining. “I love you Kenneth - and I know you. Would you really be
able to live with yourself if you did that?”
I hesitate, her words striking straight into the part of me that feels so
damn uneasy about this idea. The thought of letting Danielle win - of
running away from this accusation.
Would I be able to live with myself?
 I look back at her, meeting her gaze and needing her to understand.
“I might not win this thing, Jessica.” I say, my voice barely louder
than a whisper. “What happens if I lose?”
“You’ll still have stood up and denied it.” She says, her own voice
softening as she leans into me. “Whatever the judgment is…you’ll know
that. She’ll know it. I don’t know, Kenneth, it’s your decision and if you’re
worried about your company or what it might mean for all of that if you
lose…I get that. I just don’t want to see how much it would hurt you.”
I sigh deeply, closing my eyes and feeling so torn up inside about
what the right thing to do is.
“I’ve been fighting it since the beginning.” I finally say. “But it’s not
just been fighting Danielle - it’s everyone else too. My lawyers. My PR
head. My investors. No one else seems to think this is the right thing to do.
There’s only so long I can hear that, over and over, before I start wondering
if I’m being stupid, and selfish, and…now that you’re involved too…”
“I don’t care.” She says, shaking her head. “I don’t care what they
say about me in court, or what anyone thinks. I know you didn’t do this -
and, okay, maybe I’m being naive about it and other people would think it
stupid, but I have to believe the truth will come out.”
She takes my hand and rests her other one on my thigh, squeezing
softly.
“I think it’s the right thing, even if no one else does.” She whispers.
“But it doesn’t matter what I think. Just don’t make me the reason for you
to give up now. What do you think is right? Really?”
I look back at her, seeing the strength of her confidence and love, and
it’s enough to reach me through all the despair and doubt of today.
Something in that determined gaze sparks the same fire I felt when I first
received the lawsuit - and when I saw those pictures.
The need to fight back. To make things right. To refute it, once and
for all.
Whatever it means.
“I can’t settle.” I finally say. “That’s what I think. It’s not who I am.”
 She smiles, a light that spreads all the way across her face.
“Thank god.” She leans in and kisses me, shifting around so she’s
sitting on my lap. My hands come down to her hips and I breathe
everything about her in. “I didn’t want to watch what that might do to you.
You know, you talk about your pride as a bad thing sometimes, Kenneth…
but I want you to know, I love it. It’s who you are. It’s what makes you so
very special.”
I pull back to look at her, my eyes drinking in every part of her
expression.
“I love you, Jessica. Thank you…I can’t believe I ever forgot how
much I needed you.”
Her lips curve up into a smile. “Whatever happens with the case, it’s
all going to be okay. Just like whatever happens with my Mom. And
everything else. It has to be. We’ll get through it together. That’s all that
matters.”
“We will.” I say, and for the first time today I actually believe it.
“You’re right. Whatever happens, I have you - and that’s all I’ve ever really
needed.”
“Now…shall we celebrate the moving in thing properly?” She raises
an eyebrow at me and I grin, all those tumultuous feelings finally starting to
slide away - and feeling like they might be gone for good.
“I’ve been waiting all evening for that.” I say, pulling her mouth into
mine and tangling our bodies together the way I’ve wanted since I first
walked in the door.

OceanofPDF.com
 Chapter Twenty-Four
Jessica

“Pan!” Abbie giggles, covering her mouth with her hands. “That’s a
silly name!”
I crouch down beside where she’s bouncing on her feet, looking
excitedly at my cat - who is busy sniffing around the other side of the room
semi-suspiciously.
“Yeah, I guess it does sound kind of silly.” I smile at her, laughing.
“It’s his nickname - short for ‘Panther’. Do you know what a panther is,
Abbie?”
She shakes her head, looking back at me with wide eyes - but with
lots of little glances back to Pan.
“It’s a biiig cat, like a lion or a tiger. And it’s all black, just like Pan
over there. Only he’s a little bit smaller.” I pull out my phone. “Here, I’ll
show you.”
I search for pictures of panthers and set the phone in front of her to
look at.
“See? Big, black cat.” I smile. “They’re fierce predators and they
catch all sorts of other animals - but my little Pan? Well, he just likes to
think he is.”
“Ooohhhh” Abbie says, seemingly entranced by the images of
panthers as she looks between them and Pan. “Panther!”
She grins and runs over toward Pan, who takes one look at her and
darts to the other side of the room. Abbie giggles again and makes to start
chasing him - until Kenneth scoops her up.
“Hold up there, little girl. You need to be careful, you know.”
Kenneth says soothingly, settling her on his hip. “Pan has never been here
before - he’s probably quite scared. If you’re going to go near him, you
need to be very, very careful, okay? And do everything Jessica says.”
 I make soothing noises as I slowly approach Pan - who doesn’t seem
at all sure about what’s going on. I don’t blame him and I gently pick him
up, stroking and murmuring to him.
“It’s okay, little guy.” Slowly, he relaxes a little in my arms, purring
softly - but he still keeps looking around. “It’ll take a bit of time to get used
to it here, but I think you’ll like it very much. I know I do.”
Once he seems much more settled, I walk him slowly over to Abbie.
“Would you like to meet Pan?” I ask her, keeping my tone quiet.
She nods, then whispers back at me. “Yes, please.”
I can’t help but smile. Between her Dad’s comments and my tone,
she seems to have picked it up well enough.
“I think he’d like to meet you. Here.” I come closer. “Do you want to
stroke him? Just do it nice and slowly, gently, that’s it…”
Slowly, we introduce them to each other and Abbie takes everything I
say very seriously - even as she seems absolutely fascinated with the cat in
my arms. Pan behaves admirably well, considering his new surroundings
and his natural occasionally-surly disposition.
When I finally put him down, he stays around us and weaves in and
out of my legs before going back to explore the room.
“He’s exploring.” I tell Abbie. “This is all new to him, you know.
He’s going to need a bit of time to get used to it, but maybe you could help
me look after him the next few days? Make him feel comfortable?”
“Yes, yes, yes.” She nods, barely looking at me as she watches him.
“I like Pan!”
I smile. “I think he likes you too, you know.”
“Can we stay and watch? Can we?”
I laugh softly, looking over at Kenneth. “I don’t see why not.”
Kenneth and I talk softly as Abbie sits, fascinated, watching Pan
walk around the room and into and out of the cat furnishings we’ve bought
for him.
 It seems crazy to me that Kenneth has enough space that my cat can
have a whole room, just to himself, but it certainly makes this easier.
Kenneth’s house is far too big for me to feel comfortable just letting Pan
loose in it - in a new place, he might go and hide somewhere and I’d be
worried I wouldn’t see him again. This room has a door to the outside, with
a newly-installed cat flap, but we’re keeping that locked for now.
We’ll wait until he’s used to being here before we let him outside or
show him any of the rest of the house.
I still can’t believe how easy it’s been to move everything I need over
here. Pan was the most complicated, but there was no way I could move
without him - and somehow, just having him here makes me feel a lot more
like this is home.
Eventually, he seems to settle, and I reach into the box of things we
brought over for him to find a ping-pong ball, giving it to Abbie with a
smile.
“Here, Abbie - try throwing that across the room.”
“Whyyyy?”
“You’ll find out if you throw it.” I tell her, my smile widening.
She gives me an almost suspicious look, but turns around and does
what I say - throwing it across to the other side of the room. Directly in
front of Pan.
Just like that, everything about him changes - and he’s racing after it,
batting it away with every attempt to ‘catch’ it and darting all over the
room. Abbie squeals and then dissolves into helpless giggles watching him.
She stands up and runs around to see him better - and this time I
don’t even stop her. With the game he’s in the middle of, I doubt Pan will
notice it.
Kenneth puts an arm around my shoulders, leaning in to brush his
lips over mine. He’s been doing that a lot more recently, even with Abbie
around, and although I still feel slightly nervous, she doesn’t seem the
slightest bit bothered by it. It’s more encouraging than I’d like to admit to
myself.
 “See?” He says with a smile. “Nothing to worry about. With Pan
moved in, I think she’s barely going to notice that you live here too. Or
even that I do.”
I laugh, smiling up at him and settling happily against his firm chest,
watching the little girl and lively cat play.
“You know what? I think you’re right.”

* * *

We spend the rest of the day getting everything else unpacked and
sorted - and spending time playing with Abbie. It’s a little bit strange to
think I’m going to be here all the time now and that I’m going to get to
spend so much time with them both, but I love it too.
In a way, it’s not too different from when I spent a week here looking
after Abbie. It’s just that back then, I felt outside looking in - now, I really
feel a part of their little family. The way, if I admit to myself, I wanted to be
since I first met Abbie.
I’m not her Mom, of course, and it’s early days. I don’t even want to
try to be. I just want to be there for her - for both of them. I want to have
fun and play and help Kenneth out taking care of her. I think they both need
that - and even more surprisingly, maybe I do as well.
“You know, I guess this is one good thing to come out of the
lawsuit.”
Kenneth says as we’re lying together in bed later on, after Abbie has
gone to sleep.
I turn toward him, my leg slipping over his as my hand circles around
his chest. His head tilts toward me and I lean up for a kiss, our mouths
meeting slowly, lingering. Taking our time, something we haven’t done
nearly often enough.
“Moving in together?” I ask, murmuring it against his lips.
His arm comes under my neck, pulling me in closer and he nods.
 “I might even say it was worth it, to get you here with me. All the
time. Everything I always wanted.”
I laugh. “Don’t say that. That lawsuit is definitely something we can
do without. I think we would have moved in together eventually, anyway.”
“Mm, of course.” He says, with such an arrogant confidence that I
get a little shiver of heat go through me. The man did always know what he
wanted - and that he’d get it. “But if it had taken a few months longer…a
few weeks longer…a few days…well…I think I might trade the stress for
the chance to have this sooner.”
“Idiot.” I mutter, but the passion in his eyes warms every part of me.
He rolls toward me, cupping my head in one hand as he kisses me
deeper - drawing it out until I can feel my pussy tightening a little, the ache
that I always seem to have for him deepening with the suggestion.
“Your idiot.” He says with a smile, kissing the corners of my eyes.
I don’t know what it is about this man that makes me feel so
completely, helplessly in love, but I think it must have something to do with
this. The effortless way he has of making me feel like the most amazing,
special woman in the world.
“God, Kenneth…”
“You know what else I like?” He asks, propping himself up on an
elbow as he lets one hand trail between my breasts, under them, sensitizing
the skin and making me want to arch into his touch.
“What?” I say, slightly breathless, having a pretty good idea from the
way he’s looking at me.
“Watching you spending time with Abbie.”
I blink. That was totally not where I thought his mind was going. I
raise an eyebrow, and he continues, his voice a deep murmur that doesn’t
quite fit what he’s talking about.
“You’re so good with her, Jessie. The things you say, the things you
show her…she’s very lucky, you know. She’s needed someone like you in
her life for so long.”
 I smile at him, raising a hand to the semi-rough stubble at his cheek,
stroking through it.
“I’m lucky too.” I murmur.
That I get that with Abbie. And that I get him.
“I mean it, though.” He says, seizing my wrist and holding it there.
“She’s been so much happier with you staying over this week. Even Kara
leaving doesn’t seem to have affected her the way I thought it would. I’m
going to feel so much better knowing you’re here while she’s getting to
know Hannah.”
I laugh slightly, leaning in to kiss him.
“Yeah? I should have known you were just asking me to move in to
deal with your hang-ups about Nannies…maybe I shouldn’t be looking for
a job at all.”
I say it as a joke, but I don’t miss the sudden intensity in his
expression - or the slow, creeping grin across his face.
“Ohh no, don’t you start looking at me like that…”
“What?” He asks innocently, desire curling around his voice. “You
were the one that said it.”
I shake my head as he pushes me back onto the bed, moving over me
for another kiss as one hand glides down my body. It makes me want to
gasp and moan, my pussy already thrumming and ready, just from lying
naked with him.
“You’d be great at it, you know.” He murmurs in my ear, making it
sound so much like dirty talk that my mind and body get confused long
enough to actually listen. “Have you never thought that might be nice…or
about having some of our own…”
I swing my head around to look at him, shock breaking through the
arousal.
“Our own?” I repeat, dumbly.
He grins. “You’ve never thought about it? Having kids one day?”
I blink, totally startled at the sudden question…but something about
the idea seeping into me anyway. Kenneth and I had never really talked
about all that, when we were younger. We were young, I guess, and I had
enough issues with my parents that I’ve no idea what I would have thought
about having kids if he’d asked.
“You never seemed to want…I don’t ever remember having this
conversation before.”
He shrugs. “For a long time, all I was thinking about was my career.
But once Abbie came along…well…raising her alone, it wasn’t something I
thought about much. But now…I’m not sure I’m quite ready to stop there.”
He leans down, nuzzling at my ear and making me shiver before he
whispers into it. “I’d like a baby with you, Jessica.”
I shudder, without even realizing why, and he climbs fully on top of
me, taking my mouth in his and stroking my breasts as I arch up into him.
“I don’t know…I haven’t thought…”
And fuck it’s hard to think with him doing all this. God…is the
thought of that getting him excited or something?
I open my eyes, meeting his gaze and trying to answer at least some
of his question. I reach up to the back of his neck, my fingers playing in his
hair.
“I don’t know, Kenneth.” I whisper. “I didn’t think the whole babies
thing was really for me, you know, just…didn’t really understand kids. But
since I’ve gotten to know Abbie…”
The smile that comes over his face is one of the most beautiful things
I think I’ve ever seen.
“I don’t know.” I say again, and lean forward to kiss him. “Not…not
for a while. But…but maybe?”
I don’t try to hide some of the hope that seems to creep into my voice
at the end there - not just for the idea of a baby, but the future in general.
Everything we could have together. It seems crazy to imagine it now - and I
know I still have so many things I need to work through. I’m probably
going to freak out at the idea of such a big step with someone, but…if I’m
going to do it…I can’t imagine being ready for anyone else.
Just Kenneth.
 With him, anything seems possible.
Whatever I just said, it seems to be enough for him and he leans
down to kiss me hard, his tongue tangling with mine as he explores my
mouth with the kind of fervor that has everything inside me tightening in
anticipation.
“I won’t say anything else.” He says roughly, against my mouth. “But
I know you’re going to be thinking about it. Just like I will…”
Before I can respond, he’s working his way down my body, kissing
and licking and nipping at my skin. He suckles on my breasts for a while,
his fingers caressing my thighs and making me shiver and moan softly. I’m
getting much better at making just the barest of sounds with Abbie in a
room just down the hall, but whatever I do some always escape. It’s just too
hot being here with him for anything else.
This time, though, he makes it obvious he’s going to take his time -
his hands and mouth moving between my breasts and pussy, teasing me,
playing with me and winding me up until I’m not sure how much more I
can take anymore. My nipples are stiff and hard, every slightest touch going
straight down to my pussy - and when he tugs and tweaks on them, I have
to fight not to let out the deep moans that want to rock through me.
He bites my hip gently, sucking at it and the next time his mouth
moves lower I wrap my legs around his head, drawing him in and wanting
more as I clutch the bedsheets with my hands.
He takes the hint, his hands settling over my hips and keeping me
pressed against him as he starts slowly teasing my soft entrance. I’m moist
and wet and I can feel it slipping out of me as his tongue teases my inner
folds, flicking up to play with my clit and then back down to push into my
pussy itself. It makes me squirm and pulse against him, already thinking of
having something bigger and harder inside me - being taken more roughly
than any of this slow, sensual teasing.
He’s unperturbed though, taking long slow licks and building that
heat inside me with a steady rhythm that I think might drive me crazy. He
brings me right to the edge and then back again, time and again, slowing the
whole thing right down until I’m panting and desperate and it feels like
every nerve is shaking and on edge, just waiting for that moment…that
explosion.
I’m whimpering softly and I know he hears - but I also know how
much he’s enjoying this. We’ve never taken this much time over anything.
It’s never felt like we’ve had the time. But now…I’m here.
Truly here.
And I’m not going to leave again.
It’s not a lust-filled quickie in the office because we simply can’t
keep our hands off each other. It’s not concerned about me having to sneak
off to the spare bedroom because of Abbie. It’s just…perfect.
And totally infuriating.
“Kenneth…Kenneth…please.”
He chuckles against me and that just makes me buck up into him
harder. He still doesn’t increase the pace, driving me gently towards the
edge of what feels like the biggest build-up I’ve ever had, my body so
ready, so there and as he flicks over my clit and stays there this time, his
tongue suddenly lashing back and forth, wrapping around it and pushing me
past that edge I’ve been flirting with for so long…
I throw my arm over my mouth to muffle the scream, arching and
bucking into him as he keeps going, his tongue working harder now as I
clench and spasm and press against him, driving me up and over and then
up even further, waves of pleasure crashing over me and making every
nerve light up with the feeling.
When my legs finally relax from their position clenched around his
head, falling away to the side, he shifts up on top of me, looking at me with
those deep, dangerous eyes. Full of warmth and lust and need. It makes me
shiver all over again and I reach for him.
He obliges easily, coming to settle over me and kissing me deeply,
murmuring how just how fucking good it was to taste me for so long. I can
taste myself on his lips, too, the musky scent hitting me at the same time.
I’m still arching up into him, rubbing myself against his thigh as I continue
to spasm, aftershocks making me want more.
 I know from the look in his eyes I’m going to get more too. He takes
a few moments to kiss me, to touch and stroke and tell me just how fucking
perfect I am…and then I can feel him pressed right against my entrance. I
still feel so warm and wet down there, so ready for him and I slide myself
against his thick, hard length.
“Please.” I whisper again, and he kisses me harder.
“Always.” He breathes, reaching down to line himself up…and then
thrusting deep inside me, one stroke taking him all the way in.
I gasp, my eyes flying open as I spread my legs wider, his cock
stretching me and sliding across all those delicious nerve endings, the
friction making me moan as he starts moving almost immediately. I close
my eyes in complete bliss. This was what I wanted.
This.
I don’t realize I’ve said it out loud until he responds.
“This.” He murmurs into my ear, nibbling and kissing it. “Our life,
Jessica. Together.”
Just the words make me shudder and I arch up into him, our bodies
moving in time as he starts that slow build back to the blissful place I’m
still partly floating in. His hand takes mine, our fingers interlocking as he
takes it slow - takes his time - and it doesn’t feel like anything else we’ve
done. The desire is there, the heat and passion and need.
But this is more.
“I love you, Jessica. More than I can ever say.”
“I love you, too.” I whisper.
“Thank you for coming back to me. God, Jessie, I can’t believe you
did.”
“Me neither.” I say quietly, too far gone to imagine what life might
have been like if it had never happened - if we’d never come back to this.
As he increases the pace, just a little, thrusting deep every time and
letting the heat within me slowly rise with every stroke, I realize that’s
what’s different. That’s what this is.
Love.
 Tonight, we’re not fucking.
This is making love.
I give myself over to it with everything I have, feeling his touch
against my skin, hearing the way our breathing rises in tune with each other
and tasting every part of us mingled together as I kiss him. The sensation
and feeling of it all overwhelms me and even as he drives me further and
further towards the edge, my pussy trembling and pulsing with the perfect
feeling of fullness, I feel my eyes burning too.
Every part of me burning for him. So lost in what we are - together.
“I love you, Kenneth.” I breathe, and he moves just a little bit faster.
My body responds in kind, the heat and tension that’s built in me
again feeling ready to let go, ready to fly off this cliff with him.
“I love you too, Jessica. I need you. My love. My life. My
everything.”
He takes my mouth in his just as he starts thrusting harder, faster,
lighting up every part of me until I can feel him pulsing and groaning and
grunting against me.
I keep saying his name. I can’t help it. All I can see is the light in his
eyes, the need in him that matches my own and then - he slams into me,
hard, and just like that I’m gone. I feel my pleasure rocking through me,
slower than the first time, breaking over me and letting me feel every
delicious piece of it as my body shudders and I feel the same response from
him. Warmth fills me, shooting deep inside me and his head drops to my
neck, gasping with the same rawness as me as my body seems to explode
once…and then again…and then again…the hot rush of it hitting me as
everything releases.
I cling to him, our bodies tangled together as aftershocks run through
us, as I try to keep him inside me for as long as possible - wanting more,
impossibly more. Wanting to be a part of him forever.
We press closer together as he pulls the covers over us, whispering
my name and holding me tight.
 The last thing I think as I drift off in his arms, is that I never want this
to end.
That nothing can ever break this.
Not even the court case that’s coming this week.

OceanofPDF.com
 Chapter Twenty-Five
Kenneth

The next few days are some of the best I can remember having.
Despite the court date at the end of this week and all the stress and
uncertainty surrounding that, coming home to Jessica and Abbie every day
is everything I could have hoped for.
After talking with her, there’s no more doubt in my mind - no
hesitation that maybe I should try for a last minute settlement. Jessica is
right. That would eat away at me too much. The only thing I’ll settle for is a
complete withdrawal of the accusations and an acknowledgment Danielle
was lying about the whole thing - which I don’t see happening.
Somehow, once I’d made that decision - absolutely and irrevocably -
it become so much easier to deal with the idea that it might not go my way
and I could focus on the only thing that would actually make any difference.
Preparing for court.
Which, according to Patrick, I needed a lot of help with.
We’d already been over all the testimony and all the relevant dates
and occasions we think Danielle will ask about. I know all the facts and I
can remember them easily enough. No, what he’s concerned about is how
I’m going to respond when I see her in court - or get asked about the sexual
harassment itself.
After a couple of hours of practice, that he deliberately recorded and
played back to me, I can see his point.
The frustration and outrage vibrates off me. And this is just when
faced with my lawyer - who doesn’t actually believe anything he’s asking
about.
I’m not exactly sure that’s a bad thing - of course I’m frustrated, I’m
innocent and this whole thing has been a waste of my time, money and
energy - but he seems to think it is. Being aggressive is not what the court
wants to see.
 So I’ve been working all week to channel all of that into calm
determination and self-assurance. It’s harder than it sounds.
Now that the court date is finally here, I feel like I’m struggling to
remember any of it. I’m more nervous than I’d imagined I’d be - and that’s
just making me worry that nerves will come across the wrong way and I’ll
be mistaken for being on edge for the wrong reason. Which is making me
frustrated all over again.
“After this is all over,” I tell Jessica as she casts a critical glance over
my suit. “I think I need a vacation.”
“God, yes.” She agrees immediately, sounding as appreciative of that
idea as I would be right now. “Me too. It’s been a tough week.”
I nod, turning back to the mirror as she brushes something I can’t
even see off my shoulder.
“How do I look?”
“Sexy.” She says, her tone turning sultry as she steps up behind me.
I laugh, looking over my shoulder and surprised I even can laugh
right now.
“I’m not sure that was quite the look I was going for.”
“You should.” She continues, stepping around to kiss me briefly. “It’s
a good look on you.”
“Uhuh.” I glance back at the mirror, then sigh. “I guess this will have
to do.”
“You’re going to be fine, Ken.” She says, turning more serious. “I
promise. And I’ll be right there, watching every moment.”
We spent a lot of time talking about that. I didn’t want her anywhere
near it at first. There will be press people there - maybe not many, but at
least the local newspapers will want to report on this - and Danielle’s
people, and…I wasn’t sure I wanted her to see me dragged through all this.
My lawyers had objections of their own, of course. No one was quite
sure how it would look for the former-secretary I was dating to show up to
support me in court.
 Jessica overruled us all. She said there was no way in hell I was
going through this without her and that if I could sit there and take all this
from Danielle, she was made of stern enough stuff to deal with whatever
people might think of her.
Sometimes, she makes me so fucking proud just to be with her. To
know we’re a team in this.
“I’ll spend every moment thinking of the instant it’s all done and I
can come back to you and forget about it all.” I say, reaching up to stroke
her cheek.
She rolls her eyes at me. “I hope you spend at least some of it
thinking about what you’re going to say.”
I laugh, shaking my head. “I wonder whether it might be better if I
don’t think about it. I’ve never been the kind of guy to over-think or get
anxious about anything, but this morning…”
“It’s okay.” She steps forward, wrapping her arms around my neck
and pulling my head down to me. “Remember? Whatever happens, it’ll be
okay.”
I nod, kissing her again. Wishing I could just stand here all morning
kissing her instead of going to court at all.
“It will.”
“Come on, you’re going to be late. And then Patrick really would kill
me.”
“Just another moment…”
I pull her into me, wrapping her up in my arms and breathing in
everything that makes her Jessica.
“I’m really glad you’re going to be there today, Jessica. And I’m
sorry I was an ass about it.”
“That’s okay.” She murmurs into my ear. “I have a feeling it’s not the
last time you’re going to be an ass about something.”
“If it’s to look out for you? Yeah, sorry, nothing I can do about that.”
“C’mon.” She says again, stepping back and wrapping one arm
around my waist. “Let me look out for you today.”
 Reluctantly, I let her lead me out to the cab waiting for us. I didn’t
want to think about driving this morning. Hannah took Abbie out for us this
morning - at least I can make sure she won’t be involved in this at all.
“What do you think it’s going to be like?” I ask, as the car pulls out
of my drive.
She looks over at me, her gaze serious and sympathetic.
“I think it’s going to suck. It’ll be infuriating and stupid and
ridiculous.” She squeezes my hand. “But you’ll be great anyway. You’ll be
cool and calm and refute everything she says - and anyone with any sense
will work out you could never do something like that. And it’ll be okay.”
“Yeah.” I say, smiling slightly and squeezing her hand back. “It’ll be
okay.”

* * *

In the middle of the court room, with the judge looking more
intimidating than I think I’ve found anyone for years, it’s a little hard to
remember that.
I’ve got Patrick sitting beside me and I can feel Jessica’s gaze on my
back, the warmth of it easing some of the tension - but nothing can take
away my nerves. I’ve never been in a position like this before. I never could
have imagined I would be.
Just seeing Danielle sitting on other side was enough to set my blood
boiling and I’ve had to deliberately avoid looking over there. It’s harder
than I would have thought. I want nothing more than to walk right up to her
and confront her head on.
The need to ask her how she could possibly lie about something like
this burns inside me. I don’t understand how she could be that bitter, or
greedy, or whatever combination of those things led to all this.
And how the hell could she start stalking me and my family. For
fucks’ sake.
I don’t do any of that. But it’s hard.
 I wish I could be the one asking her the questions here today. They’d
be sharp, pointed, leading questions that would raise every objection in the
book, but that’s not the point.
The case starts with Danielle’s lawyer making his opening statement
and I brace myself for everything that’s about to come - but to my surprise,
it’s not nearly as emotive as I was expecting. He simply states the assertions
I already knew - that during Danielle’s time working with me, I sexually
harassed her over a prolonged period of time and a number of different
occasions, persisting despite her rebuttal and causing an environment
hostile enough that she felt her only option was to resign - and explains that
they will be calling forward witnesses to support this.
I glance over at Patrick, but he doesn’t seem surprised as he then
stands to present his opening statement, and I’m left to guess that maybe
since this case is being tried by a judge instead of a jury, they decided that
emotive appeals would do more to harm their case than help it.
I’m immediately relieved by that idea - I was expecting to be on edge
and dealing with provocative comments from the very beginning.
Maybe this whole thing will be a little more reasonable than you
expected. You are dealing with formal legal proceedings here - not just the
woman prone to lying, manipulation and stalking.
Patrick keeps his statement as short and simple as Danielle’s lawyer,
simply refuting the claims and stating that there is no evidence to support
them. I had wondered about including a comment about Danielle’s sexual
advances on me, but Patrick wanted to keep any mention of sexual
interactions between us out of it at all - saying it was better to elaborate on
that when giving testimony, if at all. Based on how this is going so far, I’m
starting to appreciate his advice.
After the statements from the lawyers, though, the civility drops off.
Danielle gives testimony first and it’s all I can do not to physically
react to the things she’s saying - the accusations of what I apparently did to
her - the comments I made and inappropriate gestures and touches…it
makes me shudder just thinking about it.
 Patrick gives me a warning look and I know I’m itching to say
something back as her lawyer barely needs to prompt her to elaborate on
details that she’s obviously just fabricated completely. I still can’t believe
someone could do this. Who could be so cold and so callous—
“Pay attention.” Patrick murmurs from beside me and I glance over
to see him writing down the times, dates, locations and events she’s
describing.
Smart.
As I start listening to those details though, trying my best to filter out
some of the worst of it, I realize I don’t need to write things down. I know
the times she’s talking about - I can vividly picture some of the restaurants,
or the meetings we had. I can remember the way she came onto me and
even though it shouldn’t, it still surprises me as she turns it all around,
claiming the things she did as my own.
That’s going to make it harder and I can see the tension on Patrick’s
face. When they ask me what happened at those times, I’m not going to lie -
I’m giving sworn testimony - but that means I’m going to repeat exactly
what she’s just said…only with the claim that she did it instead. That
doesn’t seem nearly as strong a defense as being able to clearly say
something else happened.
I know it’s on them to prove their side, not me, but even so…
Then I’m called up to testify and I don’t have anymore time to think
about it.
Once I’m on the stand, looking down at the lawyer and everyone else
in the courtroom, I can feel my heart beating at double-time. I let my eyes
drift to the rows of benches just once - catching on Jessica’s determined
face and lingering for a brief moment - before I refocus.
It helps that she’s here - but the moment the questions come, even
after all the preparation, I still feel myself starting to struggle.
Danielle’s lawyer asks such specific, pointed questions and then cuts
me off before I can give a full explanation and even though I knew that
would happen, it’s still a struggle to deal with it. I look over at Patrick for
support, but they’re not doing anything exactly wrong and we both know it.
I have to fight the frustration as I confirm the dates and times that Danielle
has given, without having a chance to say exactly what happened.
Patrick told me this would happen and said that we’d fill in all the
missing information and gaps when he called me up to speak, but it still irks
me that I can’t fully elaborate now.
At least it’s not a jury. The judge should be well practiced at working
this stuff out.
“One last question.” Danielle’s lawyer says, looking directly at me.
I have to hold back a breath of relief. I talk to clients and investors all
the time, I’m used to being at the center of attention and finding exactly the
right thing to say - but here none of that is helping me at all.
“Are you having sexual relations with your secretary?”
I blink, taken aback. Somehow, in all the detail of times and dates
and places and everything else I’d memorized - I’d forgotten about that.
My eyes flick to her and even though I know Patrick was hoping this
wouldn’t come up, the part of me that’s used to negotiation and winning is
suddenly elated.
They’re wrong here. They don’t know what they’re doing.
My natural instinct kicks in and I have to fight to keep a straight face
as I reply.
“No.”
He pauses for a moment, and that’s the only hint of surprise I get.
Still, for a lawyer, that says a lot.
Based on my approach so far, I’m sure they know I intend to tell the
truth, and I enjoy throwing them off - if only a little bit.
He recovers quickly, glancing down at the notes in front of him and
rephrasing the question.
“You say you are not currently having sexual relations with a Miss
Jessica Reynolds?”
“No, I said I was not currently having sexual relations with my
secretary. Miss Jessica Reynolds isn’t my secretary.” I look over at her as I
speak and this time I don’t try to stop the small smile as I do. “She’s the
love of my life.”
I watch her blush, the silly smile I have on my face crossing hers as
well - and for a moment, I forget we’re even in the courtroom. It’s just the
two of us, and all the things I want to say to her. All the love I want to give
her.
From the slight downturn of the lawyer’s expression, I’d guess that
he doesn’t exactly approve of declarations of love on the witness stand.
Well, screw him. I’ve sworn to tell the truth. That’s the greatest truth I
know.
I’m more than a little distracted by Danielle, too, and the flash of
anger across her face as she turns in her seat to see who I’m looking at.
The lawyer comes forward with a piece of paper and draws my
attention back to him as he slides it across to me.
“I have evidence here that states that Miss Jessica Reynolds is your
secretary - could you please summarize the document you see?”
I glance down and blink for a moment at ExVenture’s HR records. I
have no idea how he got those, but I clear my throat and speak with the
same confidence I just answered.
“These are records of Miss Jessica Reynolds’ employment with my
company, ExVenture.”
“So you can confirm that she is employed with your company? If she
is not your secretary, please state what role she is employed in.”
“I can confirm she was employed with my company - in the position
of my secretary. When we started dating, she resigned her position and left
ExVenture because it stopped being appropriate for us to work together.”
I can’t help the appropriate comment there. If they’re going to
question me about this, I’m going to do everything I can to use it to prove
exactly the opposite.
That makes him pause again and I have to fight not to smile - or look
at Jessica. If I had to guess, they underestimated just how serious our
relationship was - and I start thinking that maybe this won’t go so badly
after all.
“During her time as your secretary, did you engage in sexual relations
with Miss Jessica Reynolds?” He continues, and I have a moment to hate
the unflappability of lawyers, before I nod.
I’m not ashamed to admit it. It might be slightly ill-advised that she
didn’t resign first, but it’s certainly not sexual harassment.
“There was a short period between starting dating and Jessica
resigning where we engaged in sexual relations. As soon as it happened,
though, we knew we had to—”
“And can you describe how these relations came about with someone
who worked directly under you?” He interrupts, obviously wanting to cut
off my whole description of our relationship and decisions. I guess the less
serious he makes it seem, the better. “It’s hard to end up in sexual relations
with - or, indeed, to date - someone without that sexual environment being
present in your work place. Did that environment not strike you as
inappropriate at the time?”
I ignore the interruption, too pleased with the question that he
obviously thinks proves his point. This isn’t something we prepped - but I
immediately know exactly what to say.
“Sexual relations first developed between Jessica Reynolds and
myself when we were sixteen in high school.” I say calmly and this time I
actually get a real look of disbelief. “When I saw her again for the first time
in ten years, as my new secretary, we decided those sexual relations were so
long ago that working together wouldn’t be inappropriate. When we worked
out that this wasn’t the case, she resigned.”
I’m skipping a few things there - like all the really fucking hot sex in
the office - but since they’re picking and choosing what they let me answer,
I figure that’s fair. And they’re too surprised to object or pick any of the rest
of that apart.
After a long moment of silence, the judge speaks.
“Do you have any more questions for Mr. Stark?”
 Danielle’s lawyer seems to come back to himself, glances at his notes
and then shakes his head.
“No further questions.”
I come back to my seat with a few deep breaths, my nerves feeling
jangled and tight from the intense set of questions, and I can’t help
wondering how I did. I know my answers were good at the end there, but it
doesn’t take away from the fact I am actually dating my former secretary, so
it seems hard to judge.
Patrick gives me a brief nod - and at least he doesn’t look more tense
than he did before I testified, but I still feel uneasy.
“The next witness we’re calling is—”
Someone from behind whispers something to him and he glances
back, a brief frown flickering over his face. He turns back before the judge
can say anything though, and clears his throat.
“Wendy Lane.”
Wendy - Danielle’s secretary, who used to work at ExVenture with
her - comes out and the lawyer starts taking her through the questions. She
confirms all the meetings between Danielle and I, but no one was ever
denying those, then moves on to give statements about working at
ExVenture and character assessments of both me and her boss. It’s irritating,
but hardly proof of anything - and I’m more distracted by what seems to be
going on over on their side of court, a flurry of activity, with people coming
and going and whispered conversations between them.
The judge hasn’t missed it either and I can see him frowning as he
looks over at them. Part of me hopes they’ll be kicked out or penalized for
causing a disturbance, but he doesn’t actually say anything.
Danielle’s expression becomes obviously drawn and I can’t help the
slight hope kindling in my chest as I see it.
Something has gone wrong.
I share a look with Patrick as Wendy’s testimony comes to an end -
and their lawyer hesitates.
 “We’re having trouble locating our next witness, Your Honor. May I
request an early adjournment for lunch?”
The judge raises and eyebrow and that little bit of hope flares even
further as I process that.
Having trouble locating the next witness.
That has to be good, right?
He glances at the clock, then finally nods.
“We will take lunch early. You have one hour.”
“Thank you, Your Honor.”
They all stand and start flowing out of the court before I’ve even had
a chance to look at Patrick - and I can see the local press following, too. A
slight weight eases in my chest at that. We were concerned they were going
to question Jessica and I - but now Danielle has helpfully provided
something more interesting for them to follow.
Jessica joins us as we head to the meeting room Patrick booked for
the day and order lunch to be delivered. None of us had any desire to have
lunch in a public cafe in the middle of this hearing - even if the press are
distracted, we were never going to risk that.
“They can’t find a witness?” Jessica asks, confused, as we all start
discussing what’s suddenly going on. “How does that even happen?”
“It’s more common than you’d think.” Hamish says, musing.
“Someone gets cold-feet, is scared of appearing in court, doesn’t want to
testify anymore…”
“Which, since they’re all lying for her, I can understand.” I say, just a
little bitterly. I’m not in the slightest bit sympathetic.
This is exactly what they all deserve.
“They’re not exactly lying.” Patrick interjects, always one to insist on
the details. “Character witnesses are always subjective.”
“They’re supporting a lie.” I insist, feeling obstinate as I bite into my
sandwich.
 I barely taste a thing, too caught up in everything that’s happening.
The whole morning has been a whirlwind of emotions - and the only thing
that’s keeping me from pacing around the room is that I finally have Jessica
right next to me again, and the reassurance of her hand on my leg is better
than any amount of movement.
“Who do you think it is? The witness?” Jessica asks, her gaze
seeming far away.
“Amanda Speed.” Patrick says immediately. “It has to be - everyone
else are just giving character witness statements or confirming details.
They’d just skip those if they lost one. Amanda is the only one who
provides an actual witness to the harassment allegations—”
“That didn’t happen.” I point out again, then glance up. “So she’s the
only one that actually is lying, too. You’re right, it’s got to be her.”
Patrick doesn’t argue with me this time - and my eyes meet Jessica’s
as I slowly start to smile, nudging her slightly.
“Maybe whatever you said to her worked.” I say, watching her eyes
widen. “It might not have been enough for us to prove she’s lying, but…”
“We’re not done yet.” Patrick interrupts, shaking his head. “Usually
when these things happen, the adjournment is enough for the witness to be
talked back into testifying. It’s a nice thought, but lets not get ahead of
ourselves.”
“It’s going well though, isn’t it?” Jessica asks, frowning, then glances
at me. “This must make their case look weaker - and your testimony
seemed really good.”
From the silence that Patrick and Hamish meet that with, I have an
uncomfortable feeling that maybe that’s just bias on her part.
“I guess we’ll see.” I say, sighing, the weird mix of hope and
adrenaline and anxiety in my stomach a little too much to deal with. “We’ll
see how it goes when we get back in there.”
She squeezes my hand and gives me a little smile. “At least, at the
end of this, it will be done.”
 I manage to smile back, letting myself feel the light at the end of that
tunnel. “Yeah. At least there’s that.”
That’s not what happens, though. We get back into court to hear that
Danielle’s lawyer has requested - and been granted - a continuance due to
the absence of their witness.
From what I can see, the judge looks reluctant, but after hearing
details of the testimony he finally allows the delay.
The hearing is brought to a close before I can quite work out what’s
going on - and when I finally get a chance to ask Patrick, with us all
gathered outside the courthouse together - what he says is the last thing I
want to hear.
“We’re going to have to reschedule another court date.” He says, his
mouth pursed in a thin line that’s the only indication of his irritation. “I’m
sorry, Kenneth, I have no idea how far away that will be. It’s not easy to
find another date.”
“Wait, so…this is all just going to continue? We’re going to have to
do this all over again?” Jessica asks for me, my brain already rebelling as it
comes to exactly that conclusion.
“No. Fuck that.” I shake my head, angry. “Don’t tell me they can just
drag this out as long as they want. It’s already been months.”
“I’m sorry, Kenneth.” He shakes his head. “I’ll push for a dismissal,
but since the judge allowed it, it’s unlikely. I’ll let you know when I know
more.”
There’s nothing more I can say to any of that and I’m left looking at
Jessica, feeling more frustrated than I have been throughout this entire
process.
“It’s probably a good thing they can’t get Amanda to cooperate.” She
volunteers and I know she’s trying to make me feel better, but right now,
that’s not what I’m thinking at all.
“I would’ve rather she come out and say whatever she wanted against
me than have this dragged out for who-knows how much longer.” I shake
my head again, and she steps toward me, wrapping her arms around me and
resting her head on my chest.
 “I know.” She says softly. “Me too. I just want it to be over too.”
I sigh, but pull her in closer, leaning down to breathe her in deeply.
“I’m sorry. I’m not angry at you—”
“I know. You’ve been dealing with far too much, for far too long.”
“What are we going to do, Jessica?” I murmur, the question more
rhetorical than anything.
She looks up at me, her gaze firming as it meets mine.
“We’re going to ignore it.”
I frown. “What?”
“We’re going to live our lives, enjoy ourselves and say fuck them by
doing all of that and not letting this get to us. When the next date comes
around, we’ll deal with it then, but until then…I just want you, Kenneth.
We don’t need to worry about any of this crap.”
As she speaks, the passion and determination lighting her face, I
can’t help but feel a smile start to spread across my face again, the hope I’d
thought dampened and dead inside me flaring right back to life again.
“You’re right.” I lean down and kiss her, feeling the way she melts
into me and reminding myself just how damn lucky I am. “That’s exactly
what we’re going to do. We’re going to live - with whatever comes our
way.”
She smiles, linking her arm with mine as we turn to find a cab.
“And you know, that’s probably going to piss Danielle off more than
anything.” I say, smiling at her as I pull her closer, wanting to feel as much
of her soft curves against mine as possible. “Did you see all the evils she
was sending your way in court?”
Jessica laughs, then grins at me. “I guess I did what she couldn’t -
entice the rich corporate CEO with all the money.”
“Mmm.” I smile, a spark of electricity running through me at the
thought. “Entice is exactly the right word…and you know…looks like we
have the rest of the day alone together.”
 Her eyes light on mine. “Ooh, I can think of a few ways to spend
that…”
I chuckle. So can I.
And what better way to spend the time waiting for news on this whole
clusterfuck?

* * *

Even with all the positivity between Jessica and I - and the amount of
fun for the rest of the day - I’m still anxious to hear about the next court
date. I want to know how much longer I’m going to have to wait.
How much longer this whole thing is going to be in my life.
Over the next few days, though, that’s not what comes back.
Instead, Patrick calls to tell me he thinks Danielle’s case might have
fallen apart - and he’s not sure there even will be a court date. It might just
go away. It seems too crazy to believe that after all this time stressing and
worrying about it…but as the week continues, it looks like that’s exactly
what’s happening.
On Friday, I finally get the call I’ve been waiting for.
“It’s done.” Patrick says. “It’s final - they’ve withdrawn the case
completely.”
“What?” I ask, still unable to believe it. “After all that…”
“I guess Amanda never came back to them. Without any direct
evidence or witnesses, it’s just Danielle’s word against yours, and that never
works out well - even in the current climate of suspicion, and with the
whole thing with Jessica.”
“I…damn, I don’t know what to say. It’s all over? It just seems so…
sudden, for her to just give up.”
“Well…I heard a few other things too.” He pauses, and my curiosity
spikes.
 Patrick isn’t usually one for discussing unsubstantiated rumors or
gossip - so if something caught his interest, I really want to know why.
Especially if it’s about Danielle and this case.
“What things?”
“I don’t know for certain—”
Of course not.
I have to smile at the disclaimer.
“—But I think the lawsuit became uncomfortable for Danielle too,
particularly if there was a high risk she was going to lose it. There was
probably a reason she was pushing so hard to settle - and I don’t think it
was just about the money or ease of it. I don’t think she ever wanted to go
to court - I don’t think she ever expected you to actually do that.”
“Uncomfortable?”
“She’s just started a new job. I get the impression her boss there
wasn’t too comfortable about working with someone who filed a sexual
harassment lawsuit.”
Oh. I hadn’t thought about that.
“Particularly an unfounded one.” I mutter.
“Yes.” This time Patrick’s voice is amused, and that tells me more
than anything just how pleased he is about this result. “Particularly an
unfounded one. Congratulations, Kenneth, it’s over. You won - enjoy it.”
I smile - and unbidden, it breaks out into a full-on grin.
“Thank you.” I say. “I most certainly will.”
I hang up and have to grab onto the wall for a moment, the sudden
feeling of relief making me almost giddy, as all the tension floods out of
me.
Fuck.
I don’t think I even knew how much stress that had been causing me,
that constant tension I wasn’t even able to fully place.
I relay the whole conversation to Jessica later that night, absolutely
thrilled.
 “Oh god, you did it.” She grins at me, hugging me tight.
“I think you’re the one that really did it.” I murmur, stroking her hair
back from her face. “I have no doubt what happened was because of
whatever you said to Amanda, Jessica, really. Thank you.”
She blushes, leaning forward to kiss me anyway.
“It’s over.” She whispers. “We can forget about it.”
“We can.” I deepen the kiss, tilting her head up to mine. “No job to
worry about, no lawsuit…now we can just enjoy what we should have had
all along.”
She grins, pushing me back, and I let her almost tackle me to the bed.
“I’ll hold you to that, Kenneth. Every day.”
“Please do.” I say, reaching up to pull her properly on top of me,
giving myself over to the pleasure and passion - none of the hesitations or
doubts left to worry about.
Just us. And Abbie, happily asleep in the room down the hall and
oblivious to what we’re about to get up to.
The only things that matter.

OceanofPDF.com
 Chapter Twenty-Six
Jessica

“Do you think she’s going to stick around?” Kenneth asks softly,
voicing the same question in my mind.
He’s standing beside me, his arm around my waist as I lean into him,
while we look out the French doors to the garden beyond. It’s stark and bare
now, with the cold winter day keeping everyone inside and just a few
evergreen shrubs to show any color at all, but it gives us something to look
at while we try to give Gramps some space at the other end of the room.
It’s the first time I’ve brought Mom here and he insisted he wanted
me there too - which meant that in turn, Kenneth insisted on coming along
with me - but I don’t want to intrude on their time together. Even from here,
I can feel some of the emotion that’s coming from that corner of the room.
It’s been a long time.
“I don’t know.” I finally say. “I didn’t think so, at first…but now?”
I glance back over in that direction, at the worn face of my mother,
and try to sort out the confusing mix of feelings I still feel whenever I see
her. I’m not sure whether they’ll ever go away, exactly, but that doesn’t
necessarily make them all bad. It’s just…a lot.
“I don’t know…I’m starting to wonder whether she really means it.”
I cuddle closer to Kenneth, feeling a shiver run down my spine. “It’s been a
long time - for all of us - but for them in particular, I think.”
“They look like they’ve got a lot to work out.” He follows my gaze
briefly, before turning back to the glass doors.
I nod. “I don’t know all of it, but…well, I think they both have
regrets.”
“If they’re going to work all that out…”
I nod again. “Maybe she’ll stick around to do it.”
He squeezes my shoulder. “What do you think of it all?”
 I glance up at him to see the gentle concern there. The same mix of
hope and uncertainty that I feel myself.
“I’m not sure, exactly. I think…I think I’d like that. But it’s still
strange - just the thought of all three of us being in this room together. It’s
not something I thought would happen.”
“I never thought you’d come back to me.” He murmurs. “But I
couldn’t be happier that you did.”
I look up at him, a question in my eyes. That doesn’t seem like the
same thing…we found each other again by chance.
He shrugs. “I still don’t like what she did to you - what I saw you go
through, all those years ago - but if I get a second chance…well…maybe
I’d like to believe other people can deserve them, too.”
I look back over at Gramps and Mom, sat there together, and a slight
shiver runs down my spine. I hadn’t thought about it before, but I wonder
just how willing I would have been to meet with her if I hadn’t had Kenneth
back in my life - if I hadn’t already had those months where I was
wondering, in the back of my mind, whether someone really could be
different.
Seeing Kenneth again - getting to know him, all over again - it’s
changed me in ways I’m not even sure I fully realize. It’s healed things I
don’t even think I ever saw. I rest my head on his shoulder and sigh gently.
“I’m glad you wanted one - another chance - that you convinced me.”
He laughs softly. “Me too. A dozen times over.”
“I think you’re right.” I say slowly. “About people deserving a
second chance. Even if it takes a long time, and it’s hard. It’s worth trying.”
I look back over at them again. They’ve been talking…or at least
together…for over an hour now. It’s longer than I thought they’d be able to
make work. I can’t help wondering what they’re talking about - or if they’re
talking at all. Maybe just being there, getting used to each other again, is
enough.
“I’m glad we could do this - that he let me bring her here.” I say
suddenly. I don’t know what will come of it, but I hate the thought that
might be getting older, with past regrets still there. That if things had gone
just a little bit worse this year, it might have been too late for Mom at all…
I shudder.
“You did the right thing.” Kenneth nods beside me, echoing the
thought in my mind.
I don’t know what will come of this, or if they can fix whatever is
between them - but I’m suddenly so very grateful that they’re going to try.
“You know…I’ve been thinking about something.” Kenneth says,
and I glance up at him again. “Your grandfather keeps talking about moving
back home…”
“I know.” I sigh, sadness tugging at me again. “It’s so hard, seeing
how desperate he is for independence and knowing…”
I shake my head. “When it was just the first stroke, there was a real
chance that it would be okay - that when he’d recovered and done the
physiotherapy, he’d be able to manage at home again, but after the
second…he doesn’t seem to have realized how different it is now. That, or
he’s just so damn determined he refuses to consider—”
“What if he moved in with us?”
I blink, Kenneth’s comment completely derailing my trail of thought.
“What?”
I can’t have heard that right.
“There’s an annex at the end of my house - somewhere he could have
as his own, but still be close enough that we could help him out. If we got a
full-time, live-in carer too…he’d still have all the support he gets here. But
maybe it would feel different - like he has his own space again.”
“Wait…really?” I look at him, totally stunned.
I’ve never thought—never even considered—
The idea of a full time, live-in carer was so beyond anything that was
possible for me, that it had never even occurred to me as an option. I’d been
so resigned to the idea that he’d have to live somewhere like this for the rest
of his life that…
 My god.
“Yes, really.” He says, squeezing my shoulder again, his gaze drifting
toward Gramps again. “If he’d like to.”
“I can’t ask…” I start, already feeling awkward at how much
Kenneth has been helping me out with the bills from his care home and
therapy, but I can’t quite finish it either. For something like this - for
Gramps, I can’t refuse, either.
“You’re not asking.” He says, giving me a sidelong glance. “And I’m
not doing it for you, either - I’m doing it for him. For your grandfather. My
family.”
My eyes jump to his and a crazy emotion wells up in my chest as I
meet that kind, compassionate gaze. It’s unyielding and powerful, but just
so…so…
I have to bury myself against him to stem the sudden urge to sob, the
power of the emotions flowing through me suddenly totally overwhelming.
Family. All of us.
“Thank you.” I breathe, eventually.
I’m not even talking about the offer for my grandfather.
I’m mean for being exactly who he is. The most loving, generous
man I think I’ve ever known.
He kisses the top of my head. “I love you, Jessica. And everyone you
love. Always.”
This time a sob does escape me, just one and then I keep it under
control. I don’t want to alarm anyone here.
“I love you too, Kenneth. More than anything.”
By the time Mom stands up - the movement catching my eye - we’ve
even had time to discuss half the intricacies of his suggestion among
ourselves How it would work - with our relationship, with Abbie, with a
carer and even Hannah who still helps out with Abbie - less so with me
there, but enough for them to slowly get to know each other.
We walk over slowly - and I don’t miss the way Gramps’ eyes are
shining with unshed moisture as he looks at Mom. Or the red and puffy
expression on her face.
A lot to work out, indeed.
“Hey.” I say gently. “You both okay?”
Mom gives me a slightly shaky smile and nods.
Gramps doesn’t say anything, but he reaches out toward Mom - and
she takes his hand, holding it for a long moment.
“I’ll be back again next week.” She tells him quietly. “I promise.”
He nods, then looks away and she turns to me, her smile turning
slightly hesitant.
“I…” I swallow slightly, then finally volunteer it. “Maybe we could
arrange another date to meet sometime, too.”
There has been so much going on lately that I hadn’t had the chance
to accept that ongoing invitation earlier. I’d felt like I needed to tell
Gramps, to arrange this, but as for us…there’s still a lot to work out there,
too.
Her smile widens.
“I’d like that. I really would, Jessica.”
I nod, and she doesn’t push it any further, giving us both a small
wave and stepping around us to leave.
I sit down in the armchair she vacated, Kenneth taking the one
nearby.
“Are you okay, Gramps?” I ask gently.
“Yeah.” He says, his voice a little rough. “It’s been…a long time.”
“I know. It’s strange, huh?” I say, a little self-conscious about the
whole thing.
He nods but doesn’t say anything for a while, and I don’t push him. I
know how confused I was after seeing her again - I still don’t feel like I’ve
completely sorted my emotions out yet.
“Good, too.” He finally says, meeting my gaze. “Maybe…maybe…”
I swallow slightly, knowing exactly what he’s trying to say.
 “Maybe.” I agree, looking back the way she left - and then back
around at Kenneth, Gramps and I.
It might not be the most conventional family. It’s still got its
dysfunction and I doubt it will ever work the way they quite should, but…
Maybe.
We sit there for a while and I wonder whether to say anything at all -
whether it would be too much, just after Mom left - but in the end I can’t
hold it back. There’s a part of me that’s too excited about finally giving
Gramps what he should have.
“Gramps.” I finally say, my voice slow as I glance over at Kenneth.
“Kenneth and I were just talking about something…”
I take my time explaining, but as what we’re suggesting becomes
obvious, I can’t help it - I can feel the excitement building in all three of us.
Excitement - and hope.
For the future we’ll get to share, together.

OceanofPDF.com
 Epilogue
Jessica

I laugh as I watch Abbie shriek at the waves, outraged as they

collapse half of the sand castle she’s trying to build.
She pushes all the sand around again, trying to build it back up
before the next one comes, and Kenneth wraps his arms around me while
we watch.
“I love you, Jessica.” He whispers in my ear. “I’m so glad you
convinced me to actually take a vacation…this is exactly what I needed.”
“I’m not sure it was entirely me.” I say, smiling softly.
Abbie certainly had a lot to say about the idea of going away - with
both of us as well, which made my heart swell when I heard it. Over the last
half year, she’s worked her way so firmly into my heart that I’m not sure I
could possibly imagine life without her.
“But yes…I think it’s what we all needed.” I add, linking my hand
with his as I can’t help but agree with the sentiment.
Sitting here with the startlingly blue ocean in front, soft white sand
under us and not a cloud in sight…I can see why people call islands like
these paradise. Of course, the setting isn’t the only thing that makes it that
way - it’s being here with Kenneth and Abbie. Our little family.
Not to mention…being able to curl my body into Kenneth’s, feeling
his skin against mine and seeing him half-naked almost all the time here…
yeah. Definitely paradise.
I’m not the only one that thinks so. Happiness and contentment
practically radiates from Kenneth and Abbie and while I thought from the
moment I saw them together just how wonderful the life they’d built was…
somehow, it seems even greater now.
I’m not sure what it is exactly, except maybe that Kenneth just seems
so much more…relaxed, now. He’s not constantly stressing about being
pulled in different directions by Abbie and his company - and ironically,
without that stress, some of the house he works seems to have eased off a
bit too. He makes more effort than ever to come home to us in the evening
and be there to be part of Abbie’s life - and if anything, his company is only
thriving from his more focused energies.
“Well it’s just good your boss let you take the time off.” He says
lightly next to me. “I hear she can be a real hard-ass.”
I laugh, nudging him. “Ohh, I think you just have to learn how to
handle her…”
“Oh, do you?” He raises an eyebrow at me and a flush of heat travels
down my body as his lips curve into a smile. “I might see about that later.”
“Thank you.” I say suddenly, feeling a sudden burst of gratitude for
everything he’s done for me. “Without you, I never would have—”
“Ohh no.” He shakes his head, sending me a mock-scowl. “That’s all
on you, Jessica. I just…nudged things along a little bit.”
I smile, but I know it’s not true. If he hadn’t pushed me towards the
chance, asked me to organize a Christmas event for ExVenture, I never
would have gotten back into events management. And especially not as a
freelance events coordinator, which means I can set my own schedule and
do most of it from home - with Abbie. Something we both ended up
wanting.
“Daddy! Daddy!” Abbie’s voice interrupts and we both look over to
where she’s sitting in the sand, piling it over her legs. “Bury me!”
He laughs beside me, turning to brush a kiss over my lips before
untangling himself from me and scooting over to where she’s sitting.
“Ooh, you’re gonna regret asking that, baby girl.” He says, and she
laughs as he starts digging in the sand with her. “First we’re going to make
a hole…then I’m going to sit you in it and bury you until you can’t get out!”
“Yes, yes, yes!” She yells enthusiastically and I have to laugh too as I
watch them.
“Why do you want to get buried, Abbie?” I ask, joining in a little.
“Because.” She says, in that way she has of making it a whole
answer, and I laugh again.
 “Can I help?”
“Uhuh.” She nods, then reaches around to find the other spade,
dislodging all the loose sand Kenneth has piled on her so far. “Here!”
“Thanks, sweetie.” I say, still amused that she wants to help me bury
her.
We work at it together for a while and she giggles and laughs and
squeals as the sand get piled higher and higher and she starts feeling the
weight of it.
“More, more!” She grins and Kenneth laughs.
“It’s already up to your tummy, little girl. You don’t want more.”
“More!” She insists and he grins at me.
“She’s never going to be able to get out of this.” He says
dramatically, as we pile it higher. “We could leave her here to be eaten by
sharks!”
“I will too! I’ll get out!”
“Oh really? You think so?”
“Yes! But more first.”
He laughs again, tousling her hair and spreading sand everywhere -
not that it makes much difference, she’s more sand than girl right now and
it’s everywhere. In her hair, her clothes, her face…
She giggles along with him as he starts pressing it down, condensing
it and packing it in tight.
“I love you Daddy.” She says easily, then looks up at me. “Daddy is
sooo much more fun now.”
I grin at that, something about it making my heart swell. He looks up
too, giving us both a warm smile.
“I think you’ve got Jessica to thank for that, baby girl.”
“Thaaank you Jessica.” She sing-songs, and I have to stop the blush
that creeps over my face.
“There! All buried! Bet you can’t get out of that.” He grins at her.
 “I can too!” She says, starting to wriggle and strain against the sand
that - so far - does an admirable job of holding her.
“Do you want help?” I ask and she shakes her head violently.
“No! I can do it.”
“Well, that’s a hint if ever I saw one.” Kenneth says, and before I can
ask what he’s talking about, he grabs my hand and pulls me away to the
side.
“We’ll be over here when you’re free! Come find us!” He calls back
to her and I turn to raise an eyebrow at him, questioningly.
He pulls me into his arms before I can say anything, kissing me
deeply and making me want to moan out loud. My eyes immediately flick
to Abbie, but she’s facing the other way…so I let my hands slide down his
bare chest and around to squeeze the firm muscles of his ass. God, he’s hot.
“I love you, Jessica.” He murmurs against me. “Abbie’s right - you
do make me more fun to be around.”
I smile back - but before I can say anything, he’s dropping to one
knee.
“You make me happy in ways I couldn’t have ever imagined. You
make me a better person in every way. Will you keep doing that, Jessica?
Will you spend your life with me, making every day fun and happy and
perfect with me?” He reaches into the pocket of his board shorts and I
almost can’t believe it when he pulls out a black box, popping it open to
reveal the most gorgeous diamond ring I think I’ve ever seen. “Will you
marry me?”
“Oh god…” I stare at him, too many emotions rushing through me all
at once and the disbelief seizing me harder than anything else. “Really?”
He laughs at me, his eyes sparkling and he takes one of my hands in
his. “Really. I thought about it a lot and…this might not be the most
glamorous occasion…we’re not out to dinner, or at a fancy event, or…any
number of other things. But this is what it’s about - this is what our life
together will be like. A little bit messy, a little bit chaotic - that’s what
comes from having a kid around - but perfect all the same. This is what I
want from our life together.”
 My heart swells up into my throat and I try to say something, but I
can barely make my lips move as he describes everything I could possibly
want - everything that is perfect about our life, about this moment.
“Marry me, Jessica.” He murmurs again. “Tell me I’m going to be
the happiest man around always.”
I can’t say anything, so I just nod, tears spilling from my eyes as he
grins and slips the ring onto my finger. It fits perfectly. I don’t know quite
how he did that, but it does.
Then he stands up in one big rush, pulling me to him and kissing me
until I can scarcely breathe anymore.
“Yes.” I finally whisper, against his ear, needing to say the words too.
“Yes, god, Kenneth…I’ll marry you…I’ve never wanted anything else
more.”
“Good.” He says, his eyes glittering with unspoken promises as he
looks back at me. “Of course, chaos and mess and little girls aren’t the only
things we’ll have together, but…I think I’ll show you the rest later.”
My cheeks heat with that and a small shiver of lust runs through me.
“Yeah?” I ask—
“Done it!” Abbie’s high pitched yell interrupts and she comes
running over to us, flicking sand everywhere. “See! Told you!”
I turn to look at her, stepping out of Kenneth’s embrace with a little
reluctance, but excited for this part of life together too.
She looks between us, frowning slightly.
“Whatcha talking about?”
Kenneth smiles, looking over to me, and the warmth in his voice as
he answers is contagious.
“Well, little girl…Jessica and I were just talking about getting
married. What do you think of that?”
“Ooh!” She grins. “I want to play marriage too!”
He laughs, picking her up and tucking her under the chin.
 “Playing marriage is fun, huh? But you know, we’re not just
playing…we’re going to do it for real.”
I smile at her, stepping close to them both. “I’m going to be a part of
your family, Abbie. How does that sound?”
She tilts her head at me, with that serious expression she gets
sometimes.
“Are you going to be my Mommy?”
I pause for a moment, glancing at Kenneth. We haven’t talked about
this much, but I know the answer that sits right with me. She already has a
Mom, even if she’s not as interested as she should be in her daughter, and I
don’t want to her one way or the other.
“I’ll be whatever you want me to be, Abbie. It’s up to you.” I say,
smiling gently and tucking her hair behind her ear. “The only thing that
matters is that I love you, Abbie. Like your Daddy does. And whatever you
want, that’s not going to change.”
“Mm…’kay.” She says, and I have no idea how much of what I just
said she absorbed - she’s a little young for conversations like that. But that’s
okay. We’ll find our own way, the both of us, as she gets older - and it will
be whatever she wants it to be.
“Let’s get married then!” She says, and Kenneth and I look at each
other.
“C’moooon.” She says, wriggling until Kenneth puts her down. “I’m
gonna marry you!”
We laugh, not quite believing her until she starts talking about all the
things we need to have to get married - and then huffing at us when we
don’t immediately start looking for them. Kenneth raises his eyes skyward,
but I think it’s adorable and we spend the rest of the afternoon getting
everything ready for our ‘marriage’.
We find flowers in the scrub of greenery set back from the beach, for
my hair and to go around my wrists, then collect sticks to build a little
procession with an almost-arch at the front, and twist reeds to create the
rings.
 When she finally announces we’re ready, Kenneth and I stand in
between the sticks we’ve stuck into the sand as she ‘marries’ us, which
involves a lot of repeating ‘we are gathered here today’ and bits and pieces
of traditional wedding vows - plus some that seem to come directly from
her head - with her telling us to say ‘I do’ a dozen times, in the middle of
half of her sentences.
It must take ten times as long as vows usually take, but I can’t stop
grinning the whole time, giddy and somewhere between bursting into
laughter and bursting with happiness. It’s silly and totally ridiculous, but it’s
also perfect standing here with Kenneth, the gentle wind curling around us
and the sound of the waves in the background, thinking about being married
to him.
Being his wife.
It’s an intoxicating feeling.
I had never been one of those girls to dream of their wedding since
they were little. Not having a Mom or Dad growing up, I hated the idea of
any of it - it just seemed fake and stupid to me - and then when I got older,
kind of pointless. I didn’t want to trust anyone like that.
So I have no idea what kind of wedding I might like with Kenneth.
But as I stand here like this, getting married by a girl who has just
turned five-years-old, I’m not sure I could want anything more than this.
“Now you kiss!” She announces, startling me.
Kenneth leans forward, giving me the barest peck on the lips in front
of Abbie, but his eyes say so much more, and he mouths ‘later’ at me. Heat
flares through me.
If we’re going to play weddings…I’m sure we can play wedding night
too, right?
“Okay!” Abbie yells excitedly, jumping up and down. “My turn! I
want to get married now!”
Kenneth and I look at each other, the laughter finally spilling out.
Yes, Kenneth was right. This is exactly what our life is going to be.
And it’s everything I could ever want.
 THE END
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 More Books by Lara Swann

Hero Next Door

Ex-Marine. Ex-Wife. Ex-hausted.

I left my brothers in the Marines to start a family.

I left my ex-wife when that family drove her to drink and drugs.
Now all I have left is my son - and he’s all I care about.
I can’t afford to make another mistake.

And the girl who moved in next door? Mistake written all over her.
She’s got the sweetest smile, the hottest damn curves and behind it all…a haunted look.
I can’t take my damn eyes off her.
My powerful body and coarse attitude make her nervous - and as she tries to start a new life away
from her abusive ex, she has her own reasons to stay away.
But we can’t help it. We’re f*cking drawn to each other.
And when she tells me how much she wants a baby…
I make every mistake in the book.
Because I want a family again.
I want her. My son. And a baby.
And when her past comes calling…
I’ll fight to hell and back to keep it.

Read Now!

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Accidental Baby

I’ve spent years raising my sister.

Starting a billion-dollar company to keep her
secure.
That’s all that’s ever mattered.
Now she’s at college, I take one night for
myself…a little wild freedom…
Guess what happens?

It was only supposed to be one night - but she left

me desperate for more.
Searching for the girl with the sparkling blue eyes
and wild passion. Ava Lockley.
The one who danced and kissed and cried out with
total abandon in my arms.
When she walked out in the middle of the night, I
 thought I’d never find her again.

Until she turns up at my office days later.

Part of a new team - working for me and totally
off-limits.
My business has ruled my life for years…but I
can’t stay away.
One night turns into two, stealing moments
together and sneaking around.

Then she says she’s pregnant.

A baby. My baby.
If anyone finds out, my once-in-a-lifetime business
deal is screwed.
She’ll lose the one chance she’s got at her dream
job.
So now we have this secret - and all I want to do is
tell people.
I’m going to be a Daddy.
The only thing that stops me is putting her career
in jeopardy.

It can’t stay hidden forever - but that doesn’t

matter.
This baby is mine. Ava is mine.
And I’ll do whatever it takes for us to be a
family.
Even if I have to give up my life’s work.

Read Now!

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Single Dad’s Cabin

I came to the mountains so my daughter could

heal.
Isolation. Refuge. Sanctuary.
An escape from the past.
I never thought it was a sacrifice.

Not until I met her.

Lying half-frozen in the snow, the storm raging all
around us.
So fragile. So vulnerable. And the most beautiful
woman I’ve ever seen.
She doesn’t belong here, but there’s no way I’m
letting her die on my mountain.
I’ll save her, care for her, and when I’m done…I’ll
let her go.
 Until I see her with my daughter.
Until she leaves me burning with heat.
And I wonder whether I’ve been doing this all
wrong.
Maybe what my scarred little girl needs - what
she’s always needed - isn’t the mountain.
Maybe it’s the kind touch and sparkling eyes of a
beautiful woman.
Maybe that’s what I need, too.

I know it’s not that simple.

She has a past she won’t talk about.
Mine is clouded with guilt and regret.
But every moment with her makes me think of the
future - of a real family.
When our pasts catch up to us?
No f*cking way I’m letting that go.

Read Now!

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Billionaire Baby Daddy

My baby daddy is NYC’s most eligible bachelor –

and no one knows.
Sexy, powerful and charming – the world loves
Alistair Sinclair.
I did too. Five years ago.
But our fiery passion couldn’t change his cold
attitude or arrogant demands – so I left.
I didn’t know what he’d left me with, but when I
found out…I was even more determined.
I didn’t want my baby girl growing up under her
Daddy’s hard expectations.

Until now.
 Five years later and struggling alone – I can’t live
with the secret anymore.
I have to tell him. I have to give him the chance to
know his little girl.
But I won’t go back to him. I won’t fall for that
sexy smile, the impish suggestions and whispered
promises. I won’t make that mistake twice – and
things are different now.
I’m a Mommy. And he’s…a Daddy.

What I don’t count on?

He sees his daughter and melts.
And suddenly… I’m wanting things I’ve stopped
letting myself think about.
A family. A Daddy. A man – touching me, kissing
me, driving me to my knees and setting my body
on fire. Reminding me that I’m more than just a
Mom.

It’s impossible. It can’t end well. We already

crashed and burned once.
And appearing on a billionaire’s arm with a four-
year-old kid in front of NYC’s elite?
Yeah, everyone is out to get us.

So why am I falling so hard, so fast – when I

already know how this will end?

Read Now!

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 About the Author

Lara Swann writes hot, sexy romance with a touch of humor and a lot of passion. She has a thing for
wounded alpha heroes and the fiery women who steal their hearts.

Her relationships are funny, sexy and spicy, and she gets as many thrills in pitting her characters
against each other as she does when they eventually come together in an explosion of heat.

When she isn’t living in one of her many fantasy worlds, she attempts to focus on her respectable day
job in a large, too-expensive city and dreams of a lake house in the country.

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