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Starting Out With Java ™
From Control Structures through Objects
Starting Out With Java ™
From Control Structures through Objects

SEVENTH EDITION

Tony Gaddis

Haywood Community College

330 Hudson Street, NY NY 10013

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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Names: Gaddis, Tony, author.

Title: Starting out with Java. From control structures through objects /

Tony Gaddis, Haywood Community College.

Description: Seventh edition. | NY, NY : Pearson Education, Inc., [2019] |

Includes index.

Identifiers: LCCN 2017060354| ISBN 9780134802213 | ISBN 0134802217

Subjects: LCSH: Java (Computer program language) | Data structures

(Computer science) | Object-oriented programming (Computer science)
Classification: LCC QA76.73.J38 G333 2019 | DDC 005.13/3--dc23 LC
record

available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2017060354

1 18

ISBN 10: 0-13-480221-7

ISBN 13: 978-0-13-480221-3

Contents in Brief
Chapter 1 Introduction to Computers and Java 1 

Chapter 2 Java Fundamentals 27 

Chapter 3 Decision Structures 111 

Chapter 4 Loops and Files 189 

Chapter 5 Methods 269 

Chapter 6 A First Look at Classes 317 

Chapter 7 Arrays and the ArrayList Class 403 

Chapter 8 A Second Look at Classes and Objects 493 

Chapter 9 Text Processing and More about Wrapper Classes 557 

Chapter 10 Inheritance 611 

Chapter 11 Exceptions and Advanced File I/O 701 

Chapter 12 JavaFX: GUI Programming and Basic Controls 759 

Chapter 13 JavaFX: Advanced Controls 823 

Chapter 14 JavaFX: Graphics, Effects, and Media 909 

Chapter 15 Recursion 999 

Chapter 16 Databases 1027 

Index 1109 

Appendices A–M Companion Website

Case Studies 1–7 Companion Website

Chapters 17–20 Companion Website
Contents
Preface xxiii 

Chapter 1 Introduction to Computers and Java 1

1.1 Introduction 1 

1.2 Why Program? 1 

1.3 Computer Systems: Hardware and Software 2 

Hardware 2 

Software 5 

1.4 Programming Languages 6 

What Is a Program? 6 

A History of Java 8 

1.5 What Is a Program Made Of? 8 

Language Elements 8 

Lines and Statements 11 

Variables 11 

The Compiler and the Java Virtual Machine 12 

Java Software Editions 13 

Compiling and Running a Java Program 14 

1.6 The Programming Process 16 

Software Engineering 18 

1.7 Object-Oriented Programming 19 

Review Questions and Exercises 21 

 Programming Challenge 25 

Chapter 2 Java Fundamentals 27 

2.1 The Parts of a Java Program 27 

2.2 The print and println Methods, and the Java API 33 

2.3 Variables and Literals 39 

Displaying Multiple Items with the + Operator 40 

Be Careful with Quotation Marks 41 

More about Literals 42 

Identifiers 42 

Class Names 44 

2.4 Primitive Data Types 44 

The Integer Data Types 46 

Floating-Point Data Types 47 

The boolean Data Type 50 

The char Data Type 50 

Variable Assignment and Initialization 52 

Variables Hold Only One Value at a Time 53 

2.5 Arithmetic Operators 54 

Integer Division 57 

Operator Precedence 57 

Grouping with Parentheses 59 

The Math Class 62 

2.6 Combined Assignment Operators 63 

2.7 Conversion between Primitive Data Types 65 
Mixed Integer Operations 67 

Other Mixed Mathematical Expressions 68 

2.8 Creating Named Constants with final 69 

2.9 The String Class 70 

Objects Are Created from Classes 71 

The String Class 71 

Primitive Type Variables and Class Type Variables 71 

Creating a String Object 72 

2.10 Scope 76 

2.11 Comments 78 

2.12 Programming Style 83 

2.13 Reading Keyboard Input 85 

Reading a Character 89 

Mixing Calls to nextLine with Calls to Other Scanner Methods 89 

2.14 Dialog Boxes 93 

Displaying Message Dialogs 93 

Displaying Input Dialogs 94 

An Example Program 94 

Converting String Input to Numbers 96 

2.15 Common Errors to Avoid 99 

Review Questions and Exercises 100 

Programming Challenges 106 

Chapter 3 Decision Structures 111 

3.1 The if Statement 111 

Using Relational Operators to Form Conditions 113 

Putting It All Together 114 

Programming Style and the if Statement 117 

Be Careful with Semicolons 117 

Having Multiple Conditionally Executed Statements 118 

Flags 118 

Comparing Characters 119 

3.2 The if-else Statement 120 

3.3 Nested if Statements 122 

3.4 The if-else-if Statement 128 

3.5 Logical Operators 134 

The Precedence of Logical Operators 139 

Checking Numeric Ranges with Logical Operators 140 

3.6 Comparing String Objects 142 

Ignoring Case in String Comparisons 146 

3.7 More about Variable Declaration and Scope 147 

3.8 The Conditional Operator (Optional) 149 

3.9 The switch Statement 150 

3.10 Displaying Formatted Output with System.out.printf and

String.format 160 
Format Specifier Syntax 163 
 Precision 164 

Specifying a Minimum Field Width 164 

Flags 167 

Formatting String Arguments 170 

The String.format Method 172 

3.11 Common Errors to Avoid 174 

Review Questions and Exercises 175 

Programming Challenges 181 

Chapter 4 Loops and Files 189 

4.1 The Increment and Decrement Operators 189 
The Difference between Postfix and Prefix Modes 192 

4.2 The while Loop 193 

The while Loop Is a Pretest Loop 196 

Infinite Loops 196 

Don’t Forget the Braces with a Block of Statements 197 

Programming Style and the while Loop 198 

4.3 Using the while Loop for Input Validation 200 

4.4 The do-while Loop 204 

4.5 The for Loop 207 

The for Loop Is a Pretest Loop 210 

Avoid Modifying the Control Variable in the Body of the for Loop 211 

Other Forms of the Update Expression 211 

Declaring a Variable in the for Loop’s Initialization Expression 211 

Another Random Scribd Document
with Unrelated Content
claim to myself the merit of having extorted excellent productions
from a person of the greatest abilities, who would not have let them
appear by any other means." Even Swift wrote that Steele seemed
to have gathered new life, and to have a new fund of wit. Until the
passing of the Stamp Act in August, 1712, when the price was
necessarily raised, the circulation seems to have been nearly 4,000.
Among many other subjects Steele again wrote numerous excellent
papers on the stage. There is the well-known account of Estcourt's
death, and there are admirable criticisms. Of Etherege's popular
play, Sir Foppling Flutter, he said that it was "a perfect contradiction
to good manners, good sense, and common honesty"; and of
Beaumont and Fletcher's Scornful Lady, that no beauty would atone
for the meanness of giving "a scandalous representation of what is
reputable among men, that is to say, what is sacred." Elsewhere he
remarked that "it is not to be imagined what effect a well-regulated
stage would have upon men's manners," and that it is in the people
themselves "to raise this entertainment to the greatest height."
Swift was now quite estranged from Addison and Steele, though of
course they were civil when they met. In June, 1711, Steele appears
to have become acquainted with Pope, and Addison wrote a
flattering notice of the young poet's Art of Criticism in the Spectator.
Party pamphleteering was now being carried to a hitherto
unprecedented extent, and Swift wrote constantly himself, and
supplied hints to others. Marlborough was dismissed, and the object
of the Government was to bring the war to an end by persuading the
people to agree to a treaty whose terms were less satisfactory than
might have been expected. At the same time some of the party were
secretly plotting for the restoration of the Stuarts, and among these
appears to to have been Harley, now Earl of Oxford. Steele wrote a
pamphlet in praise of Marlborough, for whom he always showed
great admiration.
A son, Eugene, was born in March, 1712; Steele was then living in
Brownlow Street, Holborn. In June he had a cottage on Haverstock
Hill, and there the members of the Kitcat Club called for him on their
way to the Upper Flask at Hampstead, where they met in the
summer. In July he had taken a house in Bloomsbury Square, and
next month he felt relieved by the renewal of his employments, and
lived "in the handsomest manner." But all the time actions for debt
were hanging over him, and he had hastily to withdraw a scheme
which was found to be illegal, for "getting money" by means of a
"Multiplication Table," to be worked in connection with the State
Lottery.
The Spectator was brought to a close in December, 1712, and in the
following month George Berkeley, afterwards Bishop of Cloyne, but
then a young man just arrived in London, wrote that Steele, who
had been among the first to welcome him, was ill with gout, but
was, "as I am informed, writing a play, since he gave over the
Spectators." Steele was very hospitable to the young philosopher,
and Berkeley remarks that there appeared "in his natural temper
something very generous, and a great benevolence to mankind." By
the death of Mrs. Scurlock, Steele had come into £500 a year, which
made it more justifiable for him to maintain his "handsome and
neatly furnished house," where the table, servants, coach, &c., were
"very genteel."
A new periodical, The Guardian, was begun on March 12, 1713, and
was issued daily until October. Steele wrote 82 of the 175 numbers,
and Addison, Berkeley and Pope were among the contributors. The
periodical was written on the same lines as the Spectator, and many
of the papers are excellent, but with the fortieth number Steele was
drawn into a political quarrel with the Examiner, and the Guardian
lost its value as literature. Politics ran so high that the
representatives of each party applied to themselves the noble
sentiments in Addison's tragedy, Cato, which was produced on April
14, and thus united in applauding the piece. Steele had undertaken
to fill the house, and he wrote verses, afterwards prefixed to the
play, in which he alluded to the fact that he had once inscribed
Addison's name to his own "light scenes"; they, however, would soon
die, and he therefore wished to "live, joined to a work of thine."
Attacks in the Examiner led Steele to complain of articles by "an
estranged friend or an exasperated mistress," i.e. Swift or Mrs.
Manley. Swift denied that he had at this time any hand in the
Examiner, and a bitter quarrel arose between the two men. In June
Steele resigned his position as Commissioner of the Stamp Office,
and soon afterwards gave up his pension as a servant of the late
Prince. On August 25 he was elected M.P. for the borough of
Stockbridge, Hampshire. In the Guardian Steele had insisted that as
one of the conditions of the peace the nation expected the
demolition of Dunkirk; and this was dwelt upon at greater length in
a pamphlet called The Importance of Dunkirk considered. A storm of
controversial literature followed these declarations, and, in October
the Guardian gave place to the Englishman, which was devoted
almost entirely to politics. Addison said he was "in a thousand
troubles for poor Dick," and hoped that his zeal for the public would
not be ruinous to himself. Swift wrote bitter attacks—The
Importance of the Guardian considered and The First Ode of the
Second Book of Horace Paraphrased and addressed to Richard St—
le, Esq., in the latter of which he suggested that when Steele had
settled the affairs of Europe he might turn to Drury Lane, and
produce the play with which he had long threatened the town, and
which had for plot—
"To make a pair of jolly fellows,
The son and father, join to tell us
How sons may safely disobey,
And fathers never should say nay;
By which wise conduct they grow friends
At last—and so the story ends."
In January, 1714, Steele brought out The Crisis, a widely read
pamphlet which set forth the facts relating to the Hanoverian
Succession, and among the replies was Swift's The Public Spirit of
the Whigs. Steele defended himself in the last number of the
Englishman, and next day Parliament met, and Steele spoke in
support of the motion that Sir Thomas Hanmer should be Speaker.
Complaint was soon made that his writings were seditious, and, in
spite of the aid of Walpole, Stanhope, Addison, and others, a motion
for his expulsion was carried by the Tory House, on March 18, after
several debates. In the meantime, the Whig House of Lords had
taken measures against the printer and publisher of Swift's Public
Spirit of the Whigs, and had insisted upon a reward being offered for
the discovery of the author.
About this time Steele produced short-lived periodicals called The
Lover and The Reader, and several political pamphlets. Although
£3,000 had been given him by some unknown friends, he was
involved in money difficulties, and the house in Bloomsbury Square
was given up. But with the end of July came the serious illness of
Queen Anne, who died on August 1st. The hopes of Bolingbroke and
others were thrown to the ground, and George I. was peacefully
proclaimed king. Bothmar at once acquainted his royal master with
Steele's services, and soon after the king's arrival in England Steele
was made Deputy-Lieutenant for the County of Middlesex, Surveyor
of the Royal Stables at Hampton Court, a Justice of the Peace, and
Supervisor of the Theatre Royal. He found time to publish, in
October, an important pamphlet, Mr. Steele's Apology for Himself and
his Writings, and The Ladies' Library, a compilation which he had
revised, and which contained an admirable Dedication to his wife,
concluding thus: "But I offend; and forget that what I say to you is
to appear in public. You are so great a lover of home, that I know it
will be irksome to you to go into the world even in an applause. I
will end this without so much as mentioning your little flock, or your
own amiable figure at the head of it. That I think them preferable to
all other children, I know is the effect of passion and instinct. That I
believe you to be the best of wives, I know proceeds from
experience and reason."

VIII.

Until the death of the Queen, William Collier, M.P., who held a licence
to act, in conjunction with Wilks, Cibber, Doggett, and Booth, had
received a pension from those actors of £700 a year. At the
accession of King George, as the pension could not be wholly got rid
of, the four actors, as Colley Cibber tells us in his Apology, "imagined
the merit of a Whig might now have as good a chance of getting
into it, as that of a Tory had for being continued in it: having no
obligations, therefore, to Collier, who had made the last penny of
them, they applied themselves" to Steele, who had many
pretensions to favour at Court. "We knew, too, the obligations the
stage had to his writings; there being scarce a comedian of merit, in
our whole company, whom his Tatlers had not made better by his
public recommendation of them. And many days had our House
been particularly filled by the influence and credit of his pen.... We
therefore begged him to use his interest for the renewal of our
licence, and that he would do us the honour of getting our names to
stand with his, in the same Commission. This, we told him, would
put it still further into his power of supporting the stage in that
reputation to which his Lucubrations had already so much
contributed; and that therefore we thought no man had better
pretences to partake of its success." Steele was, of course, delighted
at the offer. "It surprised him into an acknowledgment, that people,
who are shy of obligations, are cautious of confessing. His spirits
took such a lively turn upon it, that had we been all his own sons, no
unexpected act of filial duty could have more endeared us to him." A
new licence, upon the first mention of it, was obtained by Steele of
the King, through the Duke of Marlborough, "the hero of his heart,"
who was now again Captain-General. According to a memorandum
of Steele's he received a message from the King, "to know whether I
was in earnest in desiring the Playhouse or that others thought of it
for me. If I liked it I should have it as an earnest of His future
favour."
The prosperity of the early part of the season of 1714-5 was
checked by a renewal of the licence to the theatre in Lincoln's Inn
Fields and by the desertion to that house of seven or eight actors.
The other managers of Drury Lane Theatre found it necessary to
point out to Steele that he stood in the same position as Collier, and
that his pension of £700 was liable to the same conditions as
Collier's, namely, that it was to be paid only so long as there was but
one company allowed to act, and that if a second company were set
up, the pension was to be changed from a fixed payment to an
equal share of the profits. To this Steele at once agreed. "While we
were offering to proceed," says Cibber, "Sir Richard stopped us short
by assuring us, that as he came among us by our own invitation, he
should always think himself obliged to come into any measures for
our ease and service; that to be a burden to our industry would be
more disagreeable to him than it could be to us, and as he had
always taken a delight in his endeavours for our prosperity, he
should be still ready, on our own terms, to continue them." Every
one who knew Steele in his prosperity, Cibber remarks, "knew that
this was his manner of dealing with his friends in business." Steele,
however, told Cibber and the others that he was advised to get their
licence during pleasure enlarged into a more durable authority, and
with this object he proposed that he should obtain a Patent for
himself, for his life and three years after, which he would then assign
over to them. To this the managers were only too glad to agree, for,
among other benefits, it would free them from too great a
dependency upon the Lord Chamberlain, or the officers under him,
who, not having "the hearts of noblemen," often showed that
insolence of office to which narrow minds are liable. Steele
accordingly applied for a Patent, and his request was complied with
on January 19, 1715. A week earlier he had received a gift of £500
from the King.
On the 20th of January, Steele left London for Boroughbridge, a
place for which he was to be elected Member of Parliament on the
2nd of the following month. The Patent was only received on the
19th of January, and, therefore, as Cibber says, "We were forced
that very night to draw up in a hurry (till our counsel might more
advisably perfect it) his assignment to us of equal shares in the
Patent, with farther conditions of partnership.... This assignment
(which I had myself the hasty penning of) was so worded, that it
gave Sir Richard as equal a title to our property as it had given us to
his authority in the Patent. But Sir Richard, notwithstanding, when
he returned to town, took no advantage of the mistake." Cibber adds
that Steele's equity and honour proved as advantageous to himself
as to them, for instead of £700, his income from the theatre, by his
accepting a share instead of the fixed pension, was about £1,000 a
year.
Steele was knighted, in company with two other Deputy-Lieutenants,
in April, and in May he celebrated the King's birthday by a grand
entertainment in the great room at York Buildings. This room he
called the "Censorium," and it was intended for select assemblies of
two hundred persons, "leaders in politeness, wit, and learning." The
undertaking appears to have been successful, and it was carried on
for some time.
The Englishman was revived in July, with the object of making good
the accusations which had been levelled long before against Oxford,
Bolingbroke, and other members of the late Government. Steele
appears to have asked for £1,000 a year before undertaking this
work,[7] and from the fact that he continued the paper after
threatening to drop it when the third number had been published, it
would seem that he was paid at least £500 by Walpole. Soon
afterwards he applied, but without success, for the vacant
Mastership of the Charterhouse. Of Steele's various publications in
1715-6 it is impossible to speak here; it will be enough to notice that
Addison's comedy, The Drummer, was published by Steele on March
21, 1716, with a preface in which he said that the play had for some
years been in the hands of the author, who had been persuaded by
him to allow of its representation on the stage. In June he was
appointed one of the thirteen Commissioners who were to deal with
the estates forfeited by noblemen and gentlemen, chiefly Scottish,
who had taken up arms on the side of the Pretender during the late
rising. The salary was £1,000 a year.
Money difficulties made it necessary, in July, 1716, for Steele to
mortgage his interest in the theatre to an Edward Minshull, M.P.,
who had on previous occasions lent him money. In January, 1717,
further money was raised upon Steele's share of the scenery,
clothes, and profits. This led to much trouble, and ultimately to a
Chancery action, in 1722, which is described in the Appendix. In that
same year, Minshull, who was a gambler, was found guilty of fraud,
but he succeeded in escaping to Holland.
Lady Steele went to Carmarthenshire in November, 1716, and
remained there till the end of the following year. When she left
London one of her children was sickening for the smallpox, and,
according to her husband, there was not "an inch of candle, a pound
of coal, or a bit of meat in the house." The little girl recovered,
however, and money came in; and, during the following weeks,
Steele wrote some charming letters about his "dear innocents," full
of good resolves for the future, which did not meet with any very
hearty response from his ailing wife. In one letter he spoke of
turning all his thoughts to finish his comedy, but he also had great
hopes from a "Fish-pool scheme," the object of which was to bring
fish alive to London. When his "dear little peevish, beautiful, wise
governess" called him "good Dick," he said he was so enraptured
that he could forget his miserable lameness—he was suffering from
gout—and walk down to Wales.
After many delays, Steele set out, in October, to attend the meetings
of the Forfeited Estates Commission at Edinburgh, where he was
very well received. He was, however, soon back in London, and, in
June, 1718, obtained Letters Patent for the Fish-pool, which was
followed by much litigation on the part of a man named Sansome,
who said he had rendered valuable aid in developing the scheme. In
the autumn, Steele was again in Scotland, and in December he lost
his "dear and honoured wife." She was buried in the south transept
of Westminster Abbey.
The Peerage Bill was introduced by the Government in 1719, with a
view of limiting the power of creating new peers. The real object
was to prevent a growth of the influence either of king or people, in
both of which the aristocratic Whigs saw danger to themselves.
Steele did not agree on this question with the party leaders, and he
was honest and bold enough to oppose their bill in a paper called
the Plebeian. Addison replied in the Old Whig, and unfortunately the
controversy led to the estrangement of the two friends. There was
no opportunity for reconciliation, for Addison died shortly after the
appearance of these pamphlets. The Peerage Bill was revived in
November, but was thrown out in December, immediately after the
publication of another pamphlet by Steele.
The Government at once took steps to punish their candid friend. As
early as 1717, the Duke of Newcastle, who then became Lord
Chamberlain, had requested the managers of the theatre to accept a
licence in place of their patent. This Steele declined to do, and the
matter dropped; but in the following year there was further friction,
owing to the claim of the managers that they were exempt from the
Duke's authority. The Attorney-General was consulted on this point,
and upon the question whether Steele had power to sell or alienate
his interest in the patent; but the result is not recorded. The first act
of revenge was an order, on December 19, 1719, forbidding Cibber—
who had dedicated his Ximena to Steele—to act or take part in the
management of the theatre. Steele remonstrated, and commenced
an interesting periodical called the Theatre, in vindication of himself
and his fellow-managers. On January 23, 1720, the licence was
revoked, and the Lord Chamberlain threatened to obtain a sign
manual to silence the theatre. Steele petitioned the King, but on the
25th a warrant was issued forbidding any acting at Drury Lane until
further order. On the 27th a licence, to be held during pleasure, was
granted to Wilks, Cibber, and Booth; and on March 4, in spite of
every effort of Steele's to obtain justice, the King's Company of
Comedians were sworn at the office of the Lord Chamberlain, to
whom they agreed to be subservient. Next month, in the last
number of the Theatre, Steele alluded to the loss he had sustained
in not being able to produce his own pieces advantageously, and
stated that he would forthwith publish a new comedy, called Sir John
Edgar. This agrees with letters from Dr. Rundle, who wrote that it
was said that a most excellent comedy of Steele's was prevented
being acted at the Haymarket Theatre, lest its wit and sense should
spoil the relish for operas. This comedy, however, never saw the
light.
Throughout 1720 the country was occupied with the fortunes of the
South Sea Company and other schemes, by which people hoped to
make rapid fortunes. Steele, both in and out of the House, again
opposed the action of ministers, and his conduct was justified in the
autumn, when the bubble burst. Aislabie, the elder Craggs, the
Stanhopes, and Sunderland were all compromised; and Walpole
became First Lord of the Treasury. Steele, as in the case of the 1715
Rebellion, advocated mercy towards the directors of the company as
individuals, though he had fearlessly condemned their action while
they had the power of doing harm. On the 2nd of May, 1721,
through Walpole's influence, the Lord Chamberlain issued a warrant,
ordering the managers of the theatre to account to Steele for his
share of the profits, past and future. In the autumn he was again in
Scotland.
Articles quadrupartite were entered into on September 19, between
Steele, Wilks, Cibber, and Booth, by which it was agreed that
Steele's executors should, for three years after his death, receive
one-fourth part of the profits of the theatre, and should also have, at
his death, £1,200 for his share in the patent, clothes, scenery, &c.
Further articles were also signed, which had for their object the
protection of the actors in case Steele were again deprived by order
of the King or Lord Chamberlain of his interest in the theatre. These
agreements did not prevent Steele having difficulty in getting from
the other managers his share of the profits, though he had already
given them £400 each, in consideration, as they said, of a fourth
part of the scenery, &c., which belonged to them. At the close of the
year Steele republished The Drummer, which had not been included
by Tickell in the collected edition of Addison's works, and prefixed to
it a vindication of himself from charges made by the editor. In
March, 1722, he became Member of Parliament for Wendover.

IX.
As early as 1720 Steele spoke in the Theatre of "a friend of mine"
who was lately preparing a comedy according to the just laws of the
stage, and had introduced a scene in which the first character bore
unprovoked wrong, denied a duel, and still appeared a man of
honour and courage. This was clearly an allusion to the play
eventually to be published as The Conscious Lovers. And in a
paragraph in Mist's Weekly Journal for November 18, 1721, printed a
year before the play appeared, readers were informed that "Sir
Richard Steele proposes to represent a character upon the stage this
season that was never seen there yet: His Gentleman has been two
years a dressing, and we wish he may make a good appearance at
last." In June, 1722, Vanbrugh, in a letter to Tonson, lamented the
absence of new plays of any value. "Steele, however," he said, "has
one to come on at winter, which they much commend." On
September 22 the British Journal stated that a considerable number
of new plays were promised at Drury Lane that season, and that
Steele's new comedy would be set up immediately after Mrs.
Centlivre's The Artifice. In October the newspapers announced that
Steele's play would be called The Unfashionable Lovers, or as others
said, The Fine Gentleman. When the play was produced, on
November 7th, the title chosen was The Conscious Lovers.
Mrs. Oldfield, Mrs. Younger, Booth, Wilks, and Cibber took the
principal parts in what was, in many respects, Steele's best play, and
Benjamin Victor says that the author, with whom he sat at the first
performance, was charmed with all the actors except Griffin, who
represented Cimberton, a very ungrateful part. The play ran for
eighteen nights, which at that time meant a great success, and there
were eight further performances during the season. It was published
in December,[8] with a dedication to the King, for which Steele
appears to have received five hundred guineas.
In the Preface the success of the play was attributed to the excellent
manner in which every part was acted; for a play is meant to be
seen, not read. "The chief design of this was to be an innocent
performance, and the audience have abundantly showed how ready
they are to support what is visibly intended that way; nor do I make
any difficulty to acknowledge that the whole was writ for the sake of
the scene of the fourth act, wherein Mr Bevil evades the quarrel with
his friend; and hope it may have some effect upon the Goths and
Vandals that frequent the theatres, or a more polite audience may
supply their absence." The general idea of the play was taken from
Terence's Andria, but after the first two acts Steele's indebtedness to
Terence is very slight. Cibber, however, rendered valuable assistance.
"Mr. Cibber's zeal for the work," wrote Steele, "his care and
application in instructing the actors, and altering the dispositions of
the scenes, when I was, through sickness, unable to cultivate such
things myself, has been a very obliging favour and friendship to me."
Theophilus Cibber, who had a part in the original cast, says that
when Steele finished the comedy, the parts of Tom and Phillis were
not in it, and that Colley Cibber, when he heard it read, said he liked
it upon the whole, but that it was rather too grave for an English
audience, who think the end of a comedy is to make them laugh.
Steele thereupon agreed to the introduction of some comic
characters, and at his request the play received many additions by
Cibber. The piece was, as Victor says, "the last blaze of Sir Richard's
glory"; and it is probable that Cibber deserves all the thanks Steele
gave him for preparing for the stage the manuscript which had for
so long been in preparation, and which, without assistance, might
never have been completed. It is difficult, however, to accept
Theophilus Cibber's account in its entirety, because the germ of the
delightful scene in which Tom, the gentleman's gentleman, describes
how he fell in love with Phillis, is to be found in No. 87 of the
Guardian, where Steele says he had in mind a scene which he had
recently observed while passing a house. This is the form which the
story ultimately took:—

Tom. Ah! Too well I remember when, and how, and on what
occasion I was first surprised. It was on the first of April, one
thousand seven hundred and fifteen, I came into Mr. Sealand's
service; I was then a hobbledehoy, and you a pretty little tight
girl, a favourite handmaid of the housekeeper. At that time we
 neither of us knew what was in us: I remember I was ordered
to get out of the window, one pair of stairs, to rub the sashes
clean; the person employed on the inner side was your
charming self, whom I had never seen before.
Phillis. I think I remember the silly accident: What made ye, you
oaf, ready to fall down into the street?
Tom. You know not, I warrant you—You could not guess what
surprised me. You took no delight, when you immediately grew
wanton, in your conquest, and put your lips close, and breathed
upon the glass, and when my lips approached, a dirty cloth you
rubbed against my face, and hid your beauteous form; when I
again drew near, you spit, and rubbed, and smiled at my
undoing.
Phillis. What silly thoughts you men have!
Tom. ... Oh, Phillis! Phillis! shorten my torment and declare you
pity me.
Phillis. I believe it's very sufferable; the pain is not so exquisite
but that you may bear it a little longer.

"If I were rich," said Phillis in another place, "I could twire and loll as
well as the best of them. Oh, Tom! Tom! Is it not a pity that you
should be so great a coxcomb, and I so great a coquette, and yet be
such poor devils as we are?"
The names of some of the characters recall earlier writings, for
Lucinda and her father, Mr. Sealand, Mr. Charles Myrtle, and
Humphrey, the servant, had all appeared in the Theatre, while there
was another Myrtle in the Lover. There are, too, passages which at
once remind us of the style of the earlier periodicals; thus Bevil,
after escorting a music-master to the door, says to Indiana, "You
smile, madam, to see me so complaisant to one whom I pay for his
visit: Now, I own, I think it is not enough barely to pay those whose
talents are superior to our own (I mean such talents as would
become our condition, if we had them). Methinks we ought to do
something more than barely gratify them for what they do at our
command, only because their fortune is below us"; to which Indiana
replies, "You said, I smile; I assure you it was a smile of
approbation; for, indeed, I cannot but think it the distinguishing part
of a gentleman to make his superiority of fortune as easy to his
inferiors as he can." Or, to take another passage in the conversation
of these same "conscious lovers," Bevil remarks, "If pleasure be
worth purchasing, how great a pleasure is it to him, who has a true
taste of life, to ease an aching heart, to see the human countenance
lighted up with smiles of joy on receipt of a bit of ore which is
superfluous and otherwise useless in a man's own pocket." He even
remembers to praise Addison: "The moral writers practise virtue
after death: This charming Vision of Mirza! Such an author consulted
in a morning sets the spirit for the vicissitudes of the day better than
the glass does a man's person." And when Sir John Bevil observes
that, "What might injure a citizen's credit may be no strain to a
gentleman's honour," Mr. Sealand says, "Sir John, the honour of a
gentleman is liable to be tainted by as small a matter as the credit of
a trader." Much the same lesson is taught, less sententiously, when
Phillis exclaims, "Oh, Tom! Tom! thou art as false and as base as the
best gentleman of them all."
Parson Adams said that he thought The Conscious Lovers the only
play fit for a Christian to see; "indeed," he added, "it contains some
things almost solemn enough for a sermon." In this kindly satire
Fielding indicated the weakness of the play. The chief interest of the
piece is sentimental, and the hero is not always free from
priggishness. Yet the duelling scene, for which, as Steele says, the
whole was written, has much dramatic interest, and the protest
against false ideas of honour—"decisions a tyrant custom has
introduced, to the breach of all laws both divine and human"—was
at that time courageous, and much needed. If some of the things
expressed in this play are more suited for a paper in the Spectator,
there is nothing in true comedy which makes it incongruous to
convey, in a manner suited to that form of art, a serious lesson of
life. If, again, as some say, there is more pathos than is allowable in
the scene in which Sealand recovers his long-lost daughter and
sister, the end is that of true comedy; the "pedantic coxcomb"
Cimberton no longer wants Sealand's daughter when he finds that,
by the discovery of Indiana, Lucinda's fortune will be halved; Bevil is
able, in marrying Indiana, the lady he loves, to comply with his
father's wish that he should be united to Sealand's daughter; and
Bevil's friend, Myrtle, the true lover whose affection is not lessened
by change in the lady's dowry, is rewarded with the hand of Lucinda.
The friends, formerly supposed by one of them to be rivals, thus
become brothers.
Steele alluded to current criticism when he said, in his Preface, that
the incident of the threatened duel and the case of the father and
daughter were thought by some to be no subjects of comedy; "but I
cannot," he continued, "be of their mind, for anything that has its
foundation in happiness and success must be allowed to be the
object of comedy." His object, as Welsted said in the Prologue, was
to
"please by wit that scorns the aid of vice;
The praise he seeks, from worthier motives springs,
Such praise, as praise to those that give, it brings."
It was for the audience
"To chasten wit, and moralise the stage."
If success is to be measured by the amount of discussion caused by
a work, The Conscious Lovers was, indeed, fortunate. Dennis began
the attack in a pamphlet before the play was publicly acted, and
afterwards returned to the charge. Much of what he said was
personal abuse, but some of his remarks are interesting, and show
what were then held to be the weak points in the piece. He
complained that Bevil was given the qualities of an old man, and
maintained that the characters were not just images of their
contemporaries, that patterns for imitation were set up instead of
follies and vices being made ridiculous, and that the subject of the
comedy was not by its constitution comical. Bevil's filial piety, he
said, was carried too far, and his behaviour to Indiana was still more
unaccountable, for though he had in one sense concealed his
passion, there was no retreat with honour for him, because by his
generosity and constant visits he had raised a passion for him in
Indiana, and had compromised her. The catastrophe, he confessed,
was very moving, but it might have been more surprising, if handled
differently. The action in Terence's play was natural, as, for example,
the conduct of Glycerium at the funeral of Chrysis; but the scene at
the masquerade between Bevil and Indiana was an absurd imitation,
for Indiana did not know that her affection was returned. As for
Bevil, "this man of conscience and of religion is as arrant an
hypocrite as a certain author," and was constantly dissimulating.
Dennis concluded by saying that the sentiments were often frivolous,
false, and absurd; the dialogue awkward, clumsy, and spiritless; the
diction affected, barbarous, and too often Hibernian.
There were other pamphlets for and against the play, and the
newspapers contained many articles on the subject. One writer
remarked that a great part of Squire Cimberton's conversation,
"some of which has since been omitted," could not be reconciled
with rules often laid down by Steele. "He [Steele] must always be
agreeable, till he ceases to be at all; and yet it has been always
fashionable to use him ill: Blockheads of quality, who are scarce
capable of reading his works, have affected a sort of ill-bred merit in
despising 'em; and they who have no taste for his writings, have
pretended to a displeasure at his conduct."

X.

The remaining years of Steele's life need not detain us long. In 1723
he wrote to his eldest daughter, Betty, "I have taken a great deal of
pains to serve the world, and hope God will allow me some time to
serve my own family. My good girl, employ yourself always in some
good work, that you may be as good a woman as your mother." A
few days later Vanbrugh wrote, "Happening to meet with Sir Richard
Steele t'other day at Mr. Walpole's in town, he seemed to me to be
(at least) in the declining way I had heard he was." The
complications arising from the mortgage of Steele's interest in the
theatre still troubled him, and from the 18th of June the other
managers each took, for his own use, £1 13s. 4d. for every day upon
which a play was acted, an arrangement from which Steele was
excluded.
The success of The Conscious Lovers encouraged Steele to
endeavour to finish another play; and the newspapers reported that
it would be acted that winter. This was The School of Action, which
has for its scene a theatre, mistaken by a lady's guardian for an inn;
but the piece was left in a very incomplete condition. There is also a
fragment of another play, The Gentleman; it was a dramatised
version of a paper in the Spectator upon high life below stairs. In
September illness forced Steele to go to Bath, and a few weeks later
his only surviving son, Eugene, died. "Lord, grant me patience; pray
write to me constantly," the father wrote to Betty: "Why don't you
mention Molly? Is she dead, too?" In the spring of 1724 he was
again in London, and in April a proposal for the payment of his debts
was drawn up, from which it appears that, as he lived for more than
five years afterwards, his liabilities were probably all met before his
death. There was again reference to "a new play, which Sir Richard
may produce next winter." In June an indenture quadrupartite was
made between Steele, of the first part; Wilks, Cibber, and Booth, of
the second part; a number of creditors, of the third part; and the
Rev. David Scurlock, of the fourth part, to provide for the payment of
debts out of Steele's share of the profits of the theatre. For this
purpose Mr. Scurlock—Lady Steele's cousin—was appointed trustee.
The autumn of 1724 was spent at Carmarthen. In February, 1725,
Steele was at Hereford, where he received £100 from the King's
bounty; and in July he was again at Carmarthen. He retired to the
country from "a principle of doing justice to his creditors," and not,
as Swift said after his death, because of the "perils of a hundred
gaols." In December, 1724, the other managers urged him to return
to town at once; the audiences decreased daily, and it was
impossible to contend against other forms of entertainment; the
profits had fallen by more than a half. Nothing came of this
application, and in September, 1725, protracted law proceedings
were instituted in the Court of Chancery, by Steele and Scurlock,
against Wilks, Cibber, Booth, Castleman, and Woolley. An abstract of
the pleadings will be found in the Appendix. The Court gave
judgment in February, 1728, confirming the allowance of £1 13s. 4d.
a day to each of the three managers; but the case was not brought
to a close until July, when, as Cibber says, "Sir Richard not being
advised to appeal to the Lord Chancellor, both parties paid their own
costs, and thought it their mutual interest to let this be the last of
their law suits."
During the remaining three years of his life Steele lived chiefly at
Tygwyn, a farm-house overlooking the Towy, and within sight of
Carmarthen. There he had a stroke of paralysis, which was
accompanied by a partial loss of speech, but he kept his sweetness
of temper and kindliness towards others to the last. There is a
pleasant anecdote, told by Victor, and fully confirmed elsewhere,
that he "would often be carried out on a summer's evening, where
the country lads and lasses were assembled at their rural sports,
and, with his pencil, give an order on his agent, the mercer, for a
new gown to the best dancer." By his will, made in 1727, and
witnessed by John Dyer, the poet, he left the residue of his small
property, after certain legacies, to his "dear and well-beloved
daughters, Elizabeth and Mary." Elizabeth, who had many admirers,
afterwards married Lord Trevor; Mary died shortly after her father.
Before his death Steele was moved to a house in King Street,
Carmarthen, where he passed away on September 1, 1729. On the
4th he was privately buried in the vault of the Scurlocks, in St.
Peter's Church. This vault was accidentally opened in 1876, and
Steele's remains exposed to view; but they were carefully re-
interred, and the skull enclosed in a small lead coffin.
Steele's faults are apparent, and they have not been allowed to be
forgotten by writers of his own day or of later times. That he was
thriftless is manifest, but his income, though it came from various
sources, was uncertain and irregular, and he had passed the prime
of life before he had anything like handsome means. Many of his
debts, too, are to be accounted for by the generosity and open-
handedness which are a characteristic of the nation in which he was
born. That he sometimes drank more than was wise is equally well
known, but that fault does not strike us so much when we
remember that hard drinking was then the common practice, and
that many could consume, with impunity, an amount which would
undoubtedly have upset Steele entirely.
Against these defects, and a certain general weakness of character
to which they were due, we have to set his unselfish patriotism, the
high aims of his writings, which had a most beneficial effect upon his
own and future generations, his affection for wife and children, and
his loyalty to his friends. Whatever there is to forgive is more than
made up for by these qualities, which have made him, to this day,
one of the best-loved characters of his time.
Steele's comedies were often reprinted in separate form during the
century following their production, and there were about a dozen
editions in which these separate plays were collected together, with
a general title-page. The last of these bears the date 1761. In 1809
Nichols published the fragments of two unfinished comedies in his
edition of Steele's Correspondence. In the present volume all
Steele's dramatic works have for the first time been gathered
together, and an attempt has been made to provide such annotation
as seemed necessary. Changes of scene, sometimes not noticed in
the old copies, have been indicated, and modern conventions
respecting spelling and the like have been adopted, while
punctuation, which was very erratic in the early issues, has, where
necessary, been modified. The text has been collated with the first
and later editions of each play.
G. A. Aitken.
THE FUNERAL:
OR
 GRIEF À-LA-MODE.
"Ut qui conducti plorant in funere, dicunt,
Et faciunt propè plura dolentibus ex animo, sic
Derisor vero plus laudatore movetur."[9]
Horace, Ars. Poet. 431-3.

The Funeral: or, Grief à-la-Mode, a Comedy, was written in the

summer of 1701, and given to Christopher Rich, of the Theatre
Royal, Drury Lane, in October. Soon afterwards it was acted, and it
was published by Jacob Tonson between December 18 and 20, with
the date 1702 on the title-page. The music to the songs, by William
Croft, appeared between December 16 and 18. The original cast
included Cibber (Lord Hardy), Wilks (Campley), Mills (Trusty),
Pinkethman (Trim), Norris (Mrs. Fardingale), and Bullock (Kate
Matchlock); with Mrs. Verbruggen (Lady Brumpton), Mrs. Rogers
(Lady Harriot), and Mrs. Oldfield (Lady Sharlot). The play was
revived occasionally in most of the years between 1703 and 1734,
and from time to time during the following half-century, the last
date, apparently, being April 17, 1799. The plot is entirely original.

To the Right Honourable the

COUNTESS OF ALBEMARLE.[10]
Madam,
Among the many novelties with which your ladyship, a stranger in
our nation, is daily entertained, you have not yet been made
acquainted with the poetical English liberty, the right of dedication;
which entitles us to a privilege of celebrating whatever for its native
excellence is the just object of praise, and is an ancient charter, by
which the Muses have always a free access to the habitation of the
Graces.
Hence it is that this Comedy waits on your Ladyship, and presumes
to welcome you amongst us; though indeed, madam, we are
surprised to see you bring with you, what we thought was of our
own growth only, an agreeable beauty; nay, we must assure you,
that we cannot give up so dear an article of our glory, but assert it
by our right in you: for if 'tis a maxim founded on the noblest human
law, that of hospitality, that every soil is a brave man's country,
England has a very just pretence of claiming as a native a daughter
of Mr. Scravenmore.
But your Ladyship is not only endeared to us by the great services of
your father, but also by the kind offices of your husband, whose
frank carriage falls in with our genius, which is free, open, and
unreserved. In this the generosity of your tempers makes you both
excel in so peculiar a manner, that your good actions are their own
reward; nor can they be returned with ingratitude, for none can
forget the benefits you confer so soon as you do yourselves.
But ye have a more indisputable title to a dramatic performance than
all these advantages; for you are yourselves, in a degenerate low
age, the noblest characters which that fine passion that supports the
stage has inspired; and as you have practised as generous a fidelity
as the fancies of poets have ever drawn in their expecting lovers, so
may you enjoy as high a prosperity as ever they have bestowed on
their rewarded. This you may possess in an happy security, for your
fortunes cannot move so much envy as your persons love.
I am, Madam,
Your Ladyship's most devoted
Humble Servant,
Richard Steele.
 PREFACE.
The rehearsal of this Comedy was honoured with the presence of
the Duke of Devonshire,[11] who is as distinguished by his fine
understanding as high quality. The innocence of it moved him to the
humanity of expressing himself in its favour. 'Tis his manner to be
pleased where he is not offended; a condescension which delicate
spirits are obliged to for their own ease, for they would have but a
very ill time of it if they suffered themselves to be diverted with
nothing but what could bear their judgment.
That elegant and illustrious person will, I hope, pardon my gratitude
to the town, which obliges me to report so substantial a reason for
their approbation of this play, as that he permitted it. But I know not
in what words to thank my fellow-soldiers for their warmth and zeal
in my behalf, nor to what to attribute their undeserved favour,
except it be that 'tis habitual to 'em to run to the succour of those
they see in danger.
The subject of the drama 'tis hoped will be acceptable to all lovers of
mankind, since ridicule is partly levelled at a set of people who live
in impatient hopes to see us out of the world, a flock of ravens that
attend this numerous city for their carcases; but, indeed, 'tis not in
the power of any pen to speak 'em better than they do themselves.
As, for example, on a door I just now passed by, a great artist thus
informs us of his cures upon the dead:—

W. W., known and approved for his art of embalming, having

preserved the corpse of a gentlewoman, sweet and entire,
thirteen years, without embowelling, and has reduced the
bodies of several persons of quality to sweetness, in Flanders
and Ireland, after nine months' putrefaction in the ground, and
they were known by their friends in England. No man
performeth the like.
He must needs be strangely in love with this life who is not touched
with this kind invitation to be pickled; and the noble operator must
be allowed a very useful person for bringing old friends together;
nor would it be unworthy his labour to give us an account at large of
the sweet conversation that arose upon meeting such an entire
friend as he mentions.
But to be serious: Is there anything, but its being downright fact,
could make a rational creature believe 'twere possible to arrive at
this fantastic posthumous folly? Not at the same time but that it
were buffoonery rather than satire to explode all funeral honours;
but then it is certainly necessary to make 'em such that the
mourners should be in earnest, and the lamented worthy of our
sorrow. But this purpose is so far from being served, that it is utterly
destroyed by the manner of proceeding among us, where the
obsequies, which are due only to the best and highest of human
race (to admonish their short survivors that neither wit, nor valour,
nor wisdom, nor glory can suspend our fate), are prostituted and
bestowed upon such as have nothing in common with men but their
mortality.
But the dead man is not to pass off so easily, for his last thoughts
are also to suffer dissection, and it seems there is an art to be
earned to speak our own sense in other men's words, and a man in
a gown that never saw his face shall tell you immediately the design
of the deceased, better than all his old acquaintance; which is so
perfect an hocus-pocus that, without you can repeat such and such
words, you cannot convey what is in your hands into another's; but
far be it from any man's thought to say there are not men of strict
integrity of the long robe, though it is not everybody's good fortune
to meet with 'em.
However, the daily legal villanies we see committed will also be
esteemed things proper to be prosecuted by satire, nor could our
ensuing Legislative do their country a more seasonable office than to
look into the distresses of an unhappy people, who groan perhaps in
as much misery under entangled as they could do under broken
laws; nor could there be a reward high enough assigned for a great
genius, if such may be found, who has capacity sufficient to glance
through the false colours that are put upon us, and propose to the
English world a method of making justice flow in an uninterrupted
stream; there is so clear a mind in being, whom we will name in
words that of all men breathing can be only said of him; 'tis he[12]
that is excellent—
"Seu linguam causis acuit, seu civica jura
Responsare parat, seu condit amabile carmen."[13]
Other enemies that may arise against this poor play are indeed less
terrible, but much more powerful than these, and they are the
ladies; but if there is anything that argues a soured man, who lashes
all for Lady Brumpton, we may hope there will be seen also a
devoted heart that esteems all for Lady Sharlot.

PROLOGUE.

Spoken by Mr. Wilks.[14]

Nature's deserted, and dramatic art,
To dazzle now the eye, has left the heart;[15]
Gay lights and dresses, long extended scenes,
Demons and angels moving in machines,
All that can now, or please, or fright the fair,
May be performed without a writer's care,
And is the skill of carpenter, not player.
Old Shakespeare's days could not thus far advance;
But what's his buskin to our ladder dance?[16]
In the mid region a silk youth to stand,
With that unwieldly engine at command!
Gorged with intemperate meals while here you sit,
 Well may you take activity for wit:
Fie, let confusion on such dulness seize;
Blush, you're so pleased, as we that so we please.
But we, still kind to your inverted sense,
Do most unnatural things once more dispense.
For since you're still preposterous in delight,
Our Author made, a full house to invite,
A funeral a Comedy to-night.
Nor does he fear that you will take the hint,
And let the funeral his own be meant;
No, in old England nothing can be won
Without a faction, good or ill be done;
To own this our frank Author does not fear;
But hopes for a prevailing party here;
He knows he's numerous friends; nay, knows they'll show it,
And for the fellow-soldier, save the poet.

DRAMATIS PERSONÆ.
Lord Brumpton.
Lord Hardy, Son to Lord Brumpton, in love with Lady Sharlot.
Mr. Campley, in love with Lady Harriot.
Mr. Trusty, Steward to Lord Brumpton.
Cabinet.
Mr. Sable, an Undertaker.
Puzzle, a Lawyer.
Trim, Servant to Lord Hardy.
Tom, the Lawyer's Clerk.
Lady Brumpton.
Lady Sharlot,
Lady Harriot,
Orphan Sisters, left in ward to Lord Brumpton.
Mademoiselle d'Epingle.
Tattleaid, Lady Brumpton's Woman.
Mrs. Fardingale.
Kate Matchlock.

Visitant Ladies, Sable's Servants, Recruits, &c.

SCENE.—Covent Garden.

THE FUNERAL: OR, GRIEF À-LA-MODE.

ACT THE FIRST.

SCENE—Covent Garden.

Enter Cabinet, Sable, and Campley.

Cab. I burst into laughter, I can't bear to see writ over an

undertaker's door, "Dresses for the Dead, and Necessaries for
Funerals!" Ha! ha! ha!
Sab. Well, gentlemen, 'tis very well; I know you are of the laughers,
the wits that take the liberty to deride all things that are magnificent
and solemn.
Cam. Nay, but after all, I can't but admire Sable's nice discerning on
the superfluous cares of mankind, that could lead them to the
thought of raising an estate by providing horses, equipage, and
furniture, for those that no longer need 'em.
Cab. But is it not strangely contradictory, that men can come to so
open, so apparent an hypocrisy, as in the face of all the world, to
hire professed mourners to grieve, lament, and follow in their stead
their nearest relations, and suborn others to do by art what they
themselves should be prompted to by nature?
Sab. That's reasonably enough said, but they regard themselves only
in all they act for the deceased, and the poor dead are delivered to
my custody, to be embalmed, slashed, cut, and dragged about, not
to do them honour, but to satisfy the vanity or interest of their
survivors.
Cam. This fellow's every way an undertaker! How well and luckily he
talks! His prating so aptly has methinks something more ridiculous in
it than if he were absurd. [Aside to Cabinet.
Cab. But, as Mr. Campley says, how could you dream of making a
fortune from so chimerical a foundation as the provision of things
wholly needless and insignificant?
Sab. Alas, gentlemen, the value of all things under the sun is merely
fantastic. We run, we strive, and purchase things with our blood and
money, quite foreign to our intrinsic real happiness, and which have
a being in imagination only, as you may see by the pudder[17] that is
made about precedence, titles, court favour, maidenheads, and
china-ware.
Cam. Ay, Mr. Sable, but all those are objects that promote our joy,
are bright to the eye, or stamp upon our minds pleasure and self-
satisfaction.
Sab. You are extremely mistaken, sir; for one would wonder to
consider that after all our outcries against self-interested men, there
are few, very few, in the whole world that live to themselves, but
sacrifice their bosom-bliss to enjoy a vain show, and appearance of
prosperity in the eyes of others; and there is often nothing more
inwardly distressed than a young bride in her glittering retinue, or
deeply joyful than a young widow in her weeds and black train; of
both which, the lady of this house may be an instance, for she has
been the one, and is, I'll be sworn, the other.
Cab. You talk, Mr. Sable, most learnedly!
Sab. I have the deepest learning, sir, experience. Remember your
widow cousin that married last month.
Cab. Ay! But how could you imagine she was in all that grief an
hypocrite? Could all those shrieks, those swoonings, that rising,
falling bosom be constrained? You're uncharitable, Sable, to believe
it——What colour, what reason had you for it?
Sab. First, sir, her carriage in her concerns with me, for I never yet
could meet with a sorrowful relict, but was herself enough to make
an hard bargain with me.[18]—Yet I must confess they have frequent
interruptions of grief and sorrow when they read my bill—but as for
her, nothing, she resolved, that looked bright or joyous should after
her love's death approach her. All her servants that were not coal
black must turn out; a fair complexion made her eyes and heart
ache, she'd none but downright jet, and to exceed all example she
hired my mourning furniture by the year, and in case of my mortality
tied my son to the same article; so in six weeks' time ran away with
a young fellow——Prithee push on briskly, Mr. Cabinet, now is your
time to have this widow, for Tattleaid tells me she always said she'd
never marry——
Cab. As you say, that's generally the most hopeful sign.
Sab. I tell you, sir, 'tis an infallible one; you know those professions
are only to introduce discourse of matrimony and young fellows.
Cab. But I swear I could not have confidence even after all our long
acquaintance, and the mutual love which his lordship (who indeed
has now been so kind as to leave us) has so long interrupted, to
mention a thing of such a nature so unseasonably——
Sab. Unseasonably! Why, I tell you 'tis the only season (granting her
sorrow unfeigned): When would you speak of passion, but in the
midst of passions? There's a what d'ye call, a crisis[19]—the lucky
minute that's so talked of, is a moment between joy and grief, which
you must take hold of and push your fortune——But get you in, and
you'll best read your fate in the reception Mrs. Tattleaid gives you.
All she says, and all she does, nay, her very love and hatred are
mere repetition of her ladyship's passions. I'll say that for her, she's
a true lady's woman, and is herself as much a second-hand thing as
her clothes. But I must beg your pardon, gentlemen, my people are
come I see——[Exeunt Cab. and Camp.

Enter Sable's Men.

Where in the name of goodness have you all been? Have you
brought the sawdust and tar for embalming? Have you the hangings
and the sixpenny nails, and my lord's coat-of-arms?

Enter Servant.

Ser. Yes, sir, and had come sooner, but I went to the Herald's for a
coat for Alderman Gathergrease that died last night——He has
promised to invent one against to-morrow.
Sab. Ah! Pox take some of our cits, the first thing after their death is
to take care of their birth——Pox, let him bear a pair of stockings,
he's the first of his family that ever wore one. Well, come you that
are to be mourners in this house, put on your sad looks, and walk by
me that I may sort you. Ha, you! a little more upon the dismal
[forming their countenances]; this fellow has a good mortal look—
place him near the corpse. That wainscot face must be o' top of the
stairs; that fellow's almost in a fright (that looks as if he were full of
some strange misery) at the entrance of the hall—so—but I'll fix you
all myself——Let's have no laughing now on any provocation [makes
faces]. Look yonder, that hale, well-looking puppy! You ungrateful
scoundrel, did not I pity you, take you out of a great man's service,
and show you the pleasure of receiving wages? Did not I give you
ten, then fifteen, now twenty shillings a week, to be sorrowful? and
the more I give you, I think, the gladder you are.

Enter a Boy.

Boy. Sir, the gravedigger of St. Timothy's-in-the-Fields would speak

with you.
Sab. Let him come in.

Enter Gravedigger.

Grav. I carried home to your house the shroud the gentleman was
buried in last night. I could not get his ring off very easily, therefore
I brought the finger and all; and sir, the sexton gives his service to
you, and desires to know whether you'd have any bodies removed or
not. If not, he'll let 'em lie in their graves a week longer.
Sab. Give him my service, I can't tell readily; but our friend, tell him,
Dr. Passeport, with the powder, has promised me six or seven
funerals this week. I'll send to our country-farm at Kensington Gravel
Pits, and our City-house in Warwick Lane for news; you shall know
time enough. Harkee, be sure there's care taken to give my Lady
Languishe's woman a fee to keep out that young fellow came last
from Oxford; he'll ruin us all.

Enter Goody Trash.

I wonder, Goody Trash, you could not be more punctual, when I told
you I wanted you, and your two daughters, to be three virgins to-
night to stand in white about my Lady Katherine Grissel's body; and
you know you were privately to bring her home from the man-
midwife's, where she died in childbirth, to be buried like a maid; but
there is nothing minded. Well, I have put off that till to-morrow; go
and get your bag of brick-dust and your whiting. Go and sell to the
cook-maids; know who has surfeited about town. Bring me no bad
news, none of your recoveries again. And you, Mr. Blockhead, I
warrant you have not called at Mr. Pestle's, the apothecary: Will that
fellow never pay me? I stand bound for all the poison in that
starving murderer's shop. He serves me just as Dr. Quibus did, who
promised to write a treatise against water-gruel, a damned healthy
slop, that has done me more injury than all the faculty. Look you
now, you are all upon the sneer; let me have none but downright
stupid countenances——I've a good mind to turn you all off, and
take people out of the play-house; but, hang 'em, they are as
ignorant of their parts as you are of yours, they never act but when
they speak; when the chief indication of the mind is in the gesture,
or indeed in case of sorrow in no gesture, except you were to act a
widow, or so——But yours, you dolts, is all in dumb show; dumb
show? I mean expressive eloquent show: As who can see such an
horrid ugly phiz as that fellow's and not be shocked, offended, and
killed of all joy while he beholds it? But we must not loiter——Ye
stupid rogues, whom I have picked out of all the rubbish of
mankind, and fed for your eminent worthlessness, attend, and know
that I speak you this moment stiff and immutable to all sense of
noise, mirth, or laughter [Makes mouths at them as they pass by
him to bring them to a constant countenance]. So, they are pretty
well—pretty well——

Enter Trusty and Lord Brumpton.

Tru. 'Twas fondness, sir, and tender duty to you, who have been so
worthy and so just a master to me, made me stay near you; they
left me so, and there I found you wake from your lethargic slumber;
on which I will assume an authority to beseech you, sir, to make just
use of your revived life, in seeing who are your true friends, and
knowing her who has so wrought upon your noble nature as to make
it act against itself in disinheriting your brave son.
Ld. B. Sure 'tis impossible she should be such a creature as you tell
me——My mind reflects upon ten thousand endearments that plead
unanswerably for her. Her chaste reluctant love, her easy observance
of all my wayward humours, to which she would accommodate
herself with so much ease, I could scarce observe it was a virtue in
her; she hid her very patience.
Tru. It was all art, sir, or indifference to you, for what I say is
downright matter of fact.
Ld. B. Why didst thou ever tell me it? or why not in my lifetime, for I
must call it so, nor can I date a minute mine, after her being false;
all past that moment is death and darkness: Why didst thou not tell
me then, I say?
Tru. Because you were too much in love with her to be informed;
nor did I ever know a man that touched on conjugal affairs could
ever reconcile the jarring humours but in a common hatred of the
intermeddler. But on this most extraordinary occasion, which seems
pointed out by Heaven itself to disengage you from your cruelty and
banishment of an innocent child, I must, I will conjure you to be
concealed, and but contain yourself, in hearing one discourse with
that cursed instrument of all her secrets, that Tattleaid, and you'll
see what I tell you; you'll call me then your guardian and good
genius.
Ld. B. Well, you shall govern me, but would I had died in earnest ere
I'd known it; my head swims, as it did when I fell into my fit, at the
thoughts of it——How dizzy a place is this world you live in! All
human life's a mere vertigo!
Tru. Ay, ay, my lord, fine reflections—fine reflections,—but that does
no business. Thus, sir, we'll stand concealed, and hear, I doubt not,
a much sincerer dialogue than usual between vicious persons; for a
late accident has given a little jealousy, which makes 'em over-act
their love and confidence in each other. [They retire.

Enter Widow and Tattleaid meeting, and running to each other.

Wid. O, Tattleaid! His and our hour is come!