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“Team McCarthy does it again! Their outstanding book promoting
healthy sexuality with scientifically and clinically validated psychological,
biological/medical, and social/relational information will be valued
highly by the public and professionals alike.”
Michael A. Perelman, PhD, co-director, Human Sexuality
Continuing Education Program, clinical professor emeritus
of Psychology in Psychiatry, founder & chairman
MAP Education & Research Foundation
“Barry and Emily McCarthy make an important contribution to the field
of sex and couples research and therapy by discussing sexual relationships
in the context of couple relationships. Therapists, heterosexual couples,
whether traditional or not-so-traditional, and gay or lesbian couples in
monogamous or consensually non-monogamous relationships, will find a
lot of value in this new book. Sexual myths are debunked, psycho-sexual
exercises offered, couple cases discussed and a range of sensitive issues
are considered.”
Jennifer Fitzgerald, PhD, University of Queensland,
Brisbane, Australia
“In plain language the McCarthys give us the recipe for the secret sauce
that makes sex pleasurable in long-term relationships. Readers will learn
that with equal measures of wisdom and sensitivity, a dash of spice, and
some gentle stirring even relationships that have cooled can simmer
again.”
Kathryn Hall, PhD, president, Society for
Sex Therapy and Research; co-editor of
Principles and Practice of Sex Therapy
“Finding Your Sexual Voice is my top pick for a great book about sex for
couples. McCarthy engages couples with thoughtfulness, warmth, and
reassuring guidance. He is a leader in the field of sexual health and creating
better sex for couples is his lifelong passion—one couple, one book at a
time. In Finding Your Sexual Voice, he provides up-to-date research on sexual
functioning, neuroplasticity and sexual response, as well as attachment
and attunement as part of sexuality. His practical approaches solving
sexual dilemmas provide us a treasure trove of the erotic, playful, sensual
ways to grow, adapt, and accommodate sex in relationships throughout a
couple’s life.
McCarthy reminds us that sexual desire can be responsive, that cultural
changes influence couples’ expectations and wants in their sexual lives
and he invites us to figure it out, talk about sex, and share in the journey
to finding what is pleasurable for each partner.
Thank goodness for his remarkable history as a couples sex therapist
and writer about sex. We can trust his advice and we can gain confidence
and hope in his steady reassurance that sexual sharing can be created and
enjoyed by most couples.
He reminds us that going the distance as a couple involves ‘all the
senses’—including hearing each other, touching with openness and trust,
collaborating to build sexual sharing. Hearing, touching, collaborating
inevitably leads to couples finding their own sexual voice.”
Sallie Foley, sex therapist and author
ENHANCING COUPLE SEXUALITY
Sexuality is multi-causal and multi-dimensional, with large individual,
couple, cultural, and value differences. Each person and couple deserve
to experience sexuality as a positive factor in their lives and relationships.
Enhancing Couple Sexuality is an accessible guide that will help you to
explore couple sexuality, with a focus on promoting healthy sexuality and
overcoming sexual dysfunction, conflict, and avoidance.
The couple challenge, regardless of relationship status or sexual
orientation, is to integrate intimacy and eroticism into your relationship,
while reinforcing the new sexual mantra of desire/pleasure/eroticism/
satisfaction. Healthy sexuality is a combination of responsibility for your
authentic sexual self and being an intimate sexual team. Each chapter in
this book presents scientifically-validated guidelines, a compelling case
study, and a psychosexual skill exercise to make every concept personal
and concrete.
Enhancing Couple Sexuality will motivate and empower couples to
create and maintain a satisfying, secure, and sexual relationship. Whether
you are married or dating, 25 or 65, this valuable resource will provide
strategies to enhance your sexual relationship now and in the future.
Barry McCarthy is a professor of psychology at American University, a
diplomate in clinical psychology, a diplomate in sex therapy, and a certified
couple therapist. He has published over 115 professional articles, 32 book
chapters, and 20 books. He has presented over 450 professional workshops
nationally and internationally. In 2016, he received the SSTAR Masters and
Johnson award for lifetime contributions to the sex therapy field.
Emily McCarthy received a BS degree in speech communication, and
her writing and wisdom provides a balanced, humanistic perspective. This
is Emily and Barry’s 14th co-authored book.
ENHANCING COUPLE
SEXUALITY
Creating an Intimate and Erotic Bond
Barry McCarthy and
Emily McCarthy
First published 2019
by Routledge
52 Vanderbilt Avenue, New York, NY 10017
and by Routledge
2 Park Square, Milton Park, Abingdon, Oxon, OX14 4RN
Routledge is an imprint of the Taylor & Francis Group, an informa business
© 2019 Taylor & Francis
The rights of Barry McCarthy and Emily McCarthy to be identified as authors of this work has been
asserted by them in accordance with sections 77 and 78 of the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reprinted or reproduced or utilized in any form or by
any electronic, mechanical, or other means, now known or hereafter invented, including photocopying
and recording, or in any information storage or retrieval system, without permission in writing from
the publishers.
Trademark notice: Product or corporate names may be trademarks or registered trademarks, and are used
only for identification and explanation without intent to infringe.
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Names: McCarthy, Barry W., 1943– author. | McCarthy, Emily J., author.
Title: Enhancing couple sexuality : creating an intimate and erotic bond /
Barry McCarthy and Emily McCarthy.
Description: New York, NY : Routledge, 2019. | Includes bibliographical references.
Identifiers: LCCN 2018061594 (print) | LCCN 2019001306 (ebook) |
ISBN 9780429446092 (E-book) | ISBN 9781138333215 (hardback) |
ISBN 9781138333222 (pbk.) | ISBN 9780429446092 (ebk)
Subjects: LCSH: Couples—Sexual behavior. | Sexual excitement. |
Sex in marriage. | Sex therapy.
Classification: LCC HQ31 (ebook) | LCC HQ31 .M138 2019 (print) |
DDC 306.7—dc23
LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2018061594
ISBN: 978-1-138-33321-5 (hbk)
ISBN: 978-1-138-33322-2 (pbk)
ISBN: 978-0-429-44609-2 (ebk)
Typeset in Perpetua
by Apex CoVantage, LLC
CONTENTS
1 Sex Myths: Old and New 1
2 The New Sexual Mantra 19
3 Psychobiosocial Model for Understanding and Change 33
4 Female—Male Sexual Equity 45
5 Dimensions of Touch, Pleasure, and Sexuality 59
6 Good Enough Sex (GES) 73
7 Integrating Intimacy and Eroticism 85
8 Your Couple Sexual Style 99
9 Personal Responsibility/Intimate Sexual Team 113
10 The Paradox of Sexuality 127
11 Vulnerabilities and Challenges 141
12 Sexuality and Aging 157
13 Sexually, One Size Never Fits All 171
ix
CONTENTS
14 Monogamy vs. Consensual Non-Monogamy 185
Appendix A: Choosing a Sex, Couple, or Individual Therapist 201
Appendix B: Suggested Readings 203
References 205
x
1
SEX MYTHS: OLD AND NEW
The world of sexuality is shrouded by myths. Sex myths are powerful,
destructive, and die hard. The old myths are based on repressive attitudes
and sexual ignorance. The new myths are based on unrealistic perfor-
mance demands and erotic perfectionism.
Myths interfere with developing and maintaining a satisfying, secure,
and sexual relationship. We want to motivate and empower you to create
a healthy sexual relationship. Knowledge is power. Since the publication
of the Masters and Johnson classic text Human Sexual Inadequacy in 1970
the field of sex therapy and couple sexuality has discovered scientifically
validated information to help individuals and couples embrace sexuality
(Binik & Hall, 2014). Unfortunately, these understandings have not been
accepted in the culture and some have resulted in new sex myths.
This book is focused on helping married and partnered couples to
understand themselves, each other, and their relationship so that sexual-
ity has a positive role in your life.
To begin, let’s see how much you know about sexuality. Take ten min-
utes to individually complete this quiz. Don’t worry about performance
anxiety, it won’t be graded. Don’t give the socially desirable answer, but
what you really believe.
True—False Sex Assessment
1. The major predictor of marital success is love and communication.
2. Sexually, the happiest time is the first six months of marriage.
1
SEX MYTHS: OLD AND NEW
3. The honeymoon is a wonderful way to start a marriage, especially
sexually.
4. Having a baby during the first year of marriage enhances marital sat-
isfaction and stability.
5. Couples who establish a good premarital sexual relationship find
marital sex requires little additional effort.
6. Traditional sex roles are the most satisfying for both the man and
woman.
7. Affection is primarily the woman’s domain and intercourse the man’s
domain.
8. There is strong empirical support for the concept that “Men are from
Mars and Women are from Venus”.
9. Planning a child reduces sexual fun and spontaneity.
10. Same-sex friends give the most honest, helpful advice about mar-
riage and marital sex.
11. Having a child strengthens a fragile marriage.
12. The male should be the sexual initiator.
13. Seeking couple therapy, sex therapy, or a marital enhancement work-
shop is an indication of major marital problems.
14. The birth of a planned, wanted child heralds a period of increased
couple intimacy.
15. Most affairs occur after ten years of marriage.
16. Most divorces occur after ten years of marriage.
17. Intercourse lasts between 10–30 minutes; less than five minutes indi-
cates premature ejaculation.
18. Over 90% of women have orgasm during intercourse, i.e. vaginal
orgasm.
19. “G” spot orgasm and multiple orgasms are the most satisfying.
20. Pain during intercourse is rare and is usually a symptom of relational
alienation.
21. A couple with a good marriage and good sex are immune from extra-
marital affairs.
22. Intimacy-based couple therapy almost always enhances sexual desire,
especially erotic feelings.
2
SEX MYTHS: OLD AND NEW
23. Successfully treated couples have no need for a relapse prevention
plan.
24. When there is a history of sexual trauma, trauma issues must be
addressed before couple sexuality issues.
25. Couples who cohabitate before marriage, especially longer than two
years, experience better sex and less divorce.
Add the number of trues you checked. The average number for the pub-
lic is 8.5 and for health professionals is 4.5. In fact, this is a sex myth
test—they are all false. Remember, knowledge is power. Let’s examine
scientifically and personally relevant information which is empowering
and motivating.
1. Love and communication are important, but the best predictor of
marital (relational) success is your ability to deal with differences and
conflicts. The paradox is that sex cannot save a marriage, but sexual
conflicts and problems can destroy a relationship. Neither love nor
communication are enough to resolve sexual problems. You need to
directly address sexual problems and conflicts.
2. Most couples experience a limerance phase (romantic love/passionate
sex/idealization). Limerance is a wonderful experience, but it’s fragile
and time-limited (usually six months to a year—seldom two years).
Limerance is usually gone by the time of marriage. For most couples,
the first year of marriage is challenging and stressful with reduced mar-
ital and sexual satisfaction (McCarthy & McCarthy, 2004).
3. Most couples need three to six months to develop a couple sexual
style to replace the limerance phase. The honeymoon is not the
time or place to do this. Honeymoon sex is burdened by unrealistic
expectations and performance pressure. Many couples wish they had
delayed their honeymoon for a year after the marriage so they could
enjoy this special time, including sexually.
4. The science is clear. The wise decision is to wait two years before
having a planned, wanted child (McCarthy & McCarthy, 2004). Use
that time to create a respectful, trusting, emotionally committed
3
SEX MYTHS: OLD AND NEW
marriage and a couple sexual style featuring strong, resilient sex-
ual desire. Most couples decide to have children, but an unplanned
pregnancy or having children before you are ready can subvert your
relationship.
5. The vast majority of couples are sexual before marriage. The lime-
rance phase is a fantastic way to start as a sexual couple. The chal-
lenge is to create a couple sexual style; you cannot return to the
limerance phase. A sad statistic is that 40% of couples say their
best sex was the first six months of the relationship. They did not
meet the challenge to develop a couple sexual style (McCarthy &
McCarthy, 2009).
6. Although some couples thrive with traditional sex roles, most prefer
a flexible, equitable relationship and resent the rigidity of traditional
male—female roles. An equitable relationship allows you to be a
fully functioning person and choose the sexual roles and values that
are the right fit for you and your relationship. An equitable relation-
ship makes it easier to be intimate and erotic allies.
7. The traditional split of women valuing affection and men valuing
intercourse subverts couple sexuality. Affection is valuable for the
man, woman, and couple. Intercourse is valuable for the woman,
man, and couple. Healthy couple sexuality is not split by gender.
Sexuality is more satisfying when both partners value affection and
intercourse. Both partners have the right to initiate and both have the
right to say no to sex.
8. “Pop sex” beliefs are a major cause of confusion and conflict. Simple
rules sound good, but are destructive for real life couple sexuality.
A key for sexual desire and satisfaction is to view your partner as
your intimate sexual friend. In adult relationships, there are many
more psychological, relational, and sexual similarities than differ-
ences between women and men (Hyde, 2005).
9. Planned, wanted children are the ideal. Sex with the goal of preg-
nancy is an aphrodisiac. You’ve spent years using contraception to
prevent pregnancy so sex with the goal of pregnancy is special. Fun
and spontaneity is great, but enjoy planned sex with the desire to
create a child. Sex to create a family is special.
