The Only Way Out is Through A Ten Step Journey from Grief

to Wholeness

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“Dr. Gail Gross shows us the way through the grief, the pain, and the
sorrow of loss, and into great personal healing and inner peace. She shows
us that the path to the light is through a deep review of our lives, and that
surrender does not mean giving up, but having the courage to be reborn
and return renewed back to our family and to ourselves. Keep this book by
your bedside, it will inspire you to greatness!” —Alberto Villoldo,
bestselling author of One Spirit Medicine
“An exquisite book that takes the reader on a masterful journey of
transition from grief to enlightenment. Life provides us with many lessons,
all of which can help us to grow and flourish. The Only Way Out is Through
delivers the reader a guide to navigate painful and debilitating sorrow when
struck with sudden loss and the knowingness that life has changed forever.
The fragmented remnants remain, and the shards are gathered, which
become the essential elements for the transformative journey. In time, a
new life emerges with the wisdom, patience, and depth of compassion for
those learning to crawl, as well as the grace and dignity to rejoice with
those taking flight. ‘What the caterpillar calls the end of life, the master
calls a butterfly.’ I am so blessed to call the author my friend and feel
honored to have her in my life. She understands the fragility of life, which
enables her to offer a truly intimate and personal perspective. In reading
this book, I am reminded of a quote ‘Grief is in two parts. The first is loss.
The second is the remaking of life.’” —Anne Roiphe Melani Walton, co-
founder of the Rob and Melani Walton Foundation
“Dr. Gail Gross has written an epoch book that will be of great value.
Parents and others can follow her empathetic approach to successfully
getting through the healing process from grief. She is a brilliant
psychologist with a great perspective.” —Michael B. Yanney, chairman
emeritus, Burlington Capital
The Only Way Out is Through
 The Only Way Out is Through
A Ten-Step Journey from Grief to Wholeness

Gail Gross

Rowman & Littlefield

Lanham • Boulder • New York • London
Published by Rowman & Littlefield
A wholly owned subsidiary of The Rowman & Littlefield Publishing Group, Inc.
4501 Forbes Boulevard, Suite 200, Lanham, Maryland 20706
www.rowman.com
Unit A, Whitacre Mews, 26-34 Stannary Street, London SE11 4AB
Copyright © 2018 by Gail Gross
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or
mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without written permission
from the publisher, except by a reviewer who may quote passages in a review.
British Library Cataloguing in Publication Information Available
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Names: Gross, Gail (Family and child development expert), author.
Title: The only way out is through : a ten-step journey from grief to wholeness / Gail Gross.
Description: Lanham : Rowman & Littlefield, [2018] | Includes bibliographical references and
index.
Identifiers: LCCN 2017036532 (print) | LCCN 2017046357 (ebook) | ISBN 9781538106969
(Electronic) | ISBN 9781538106952 (cloth : alk. paper)
Subjects: LCSH: Grief. | Bereavement.
Classification: LCC BF575.G7 (ebook) | LCC BF575.G7 .G7747 2018 (print) | DDC 155.9/37—
dc23
LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2017036532

The paper used in this publication meets the minimum requirements of American National
Standard for Information Sciences—Permanence of Paper for Printed Library Materials,
ANSI/NISO Z39.48-1992.
Printed in the United States of America
To my beloved husband, Jenard Gross, who makes all things possible,
including me. You are my sun, my moon, my stars, my heart. You are the
love of my life.
 Contents

Contents
Foreword
Acknowledgments
Introduction
1 Grief as a Path to Healing, Transition, and Wholeness
2 Strategies
3 Shawn’s Story, A Sibling’s Perspective
4 Inner Work
5 Dream Analysis and Your Inner Voice
6 Alchemy
Notes
Additional Resources
Bibliography
About the Author
 Foreword

In many traditions, spiritual teachers come in a variety of forms and

disguises, often ones that you least expect. I often refer to Dr. Gail Gross as
Mother Teresa in Chanel—a great disguise, one that allows her to travel
effortlessly between many worlds. She is a genius of the soul. Gail is equally
at home at a board meeting of the Houston Grand Opera as when she
established a school for underserved children and started a school for
homeless children.
For most people, losing their beloved child would be the darkest and
worst experience imaginable. How can anyone bear such a devastating loss?
And yet, when that happened to Gail, she was able to use her infinite
suffering as a doorway for transforming her life and the lives of those
around her.
In this extraordinary, powerful, and unique book, she shares her journey
of how she was—with a lot of work—able to do so. She eloquently
describes how we can uncover our own inner light to drive out the darkness
in our souls. As Leonard Cohen sang, “There is a crack in everything; that’s
how the light gets in.”
I know to be true this from my own personal experience. Gail and I have
been close friends for almost four decades. She was “best man” when my
True Love, Anne, and I were married, and she is godmother to our
children. I was with Gail and her husband, Jenard, when their adored
daughter died unexpectedly from a viral infection in her heart.
In our culture, death is often viewed as the ultimate isolating experience:
going into a dark room, all alone, forever—solitary confinement for
eternity, the ultimate dark terror. In this view, death is something to be
avoided at all costs even though we know it is inevitable.
 Yet real spiritual teachers, like Gail, show us a different perspective—that
we are spiritual creatures who have a body that lives and ultimately dies,
but our spirit lives on. From this vantage, death is a return to the source,
the ineffable One, the ultimate in intimacy, healing, and meaning—the
essence of love.
Gail describes how the deep pain of loss can be a doorway for healing and
wholeness. As she writes, “You are not letting your loved one go, but rather
integrating them into your present life where they will live in the world
through you.”
While no one seeks out suffering, it shakes our foundation to the core and
—if we survive it—can shatter our preconceptions of who we are and
compel us to find new meaning, courage, and freedom in how we live our
lives and to deeply understand what matters most. As she writes, “Once
you’ve been to hell, there’s no fear left and life can be lived bravely.”
In this extraordinary book, she draws on the most powerful transformative
aspects of both Eastern and Western wisdom. Gail is very close with HH
The Dalai Lama, who stays at her home whenever he is in Houston, and
she has studied with many other eminent spiritual teachers as well
throughout the world. He awarded her the Spirit of Freedom Award in
1998. And she has a PhD in psychology, with a specialty in Jungian studies,
an EdD, and an MEd with a focus in psychology. She is a very bright light.
This book is not just for those who have lost a child, although it is
perhaps the best book ever written on the subject. It’s for anyone who has
experienced loss and suffering in whatever forms they manifested and wants
to transform these into joy and healing.
Dean Ornish, MD
Founder and President, Preventive Medicine Research Institute
Clinical Professor of Medicine, University of California, San Francisco
 Acknowledgments

This book is a love letter to the memory of my beloved daughter, Dawn

Gross, whose deep wisdom and powerful drive, enhanced her loving and
gentle feminine energy. And, it was Dawn’s positive attitude that guided
me through to the end of this project.
To my beloved son and writing partner, Shawn Gross, whose wise
counseling, brilliant editing, and great ideas supported this project every
step of the way. Thank you for always being there.
To my beloved daughter, Kate Gross, your inner and outer beauty,
intelligence, generous spirit and grace once again fills our lives with
happiness and joy . . . every day.
To my beloved grandchildren, Maxwell and Samantha Gross, the
sparkling light of intellect, compassion, generosity, and kindness that
shines from your eyes is a constant reminder to me of why I am.
To the memory of my beloved mother and father, Ida and Samuel
Meyrowitz, you set my feet upon this journey of life and learning as my first
friends, my first teachers, and my first supports. Thank you.
To the memory of my beloved mother-in-law and father-in-law, Anna and
Edward Gross: you gave me the greatest gift of all, an extraordinary
husband. To my beloved brother, Dr. Michael Meyrowitz, my almost twin,
thank you for your unfailing support, great advice, big-brother shoulders,
and for saving my life.
To my beloved sister-in-law, Michele Meyrowitz, you are the sister I
always wanted. Your authentic kindness, compassion, and creative
thinking, reminds me daily of how fortunate I am to have you in my life. To
my beloved nieces, nephews, great nieces and great nephews: Dr. Samuel
and Aviva Meyrowitz, Dr. Jeff and Ellie Meyrowitz, Elisa and Tom Boyd,
Isaac and Josh Boyd, Lila and Sadie Meyrowitz, and Crosby Meyrowitz,
because of you, Mother’s legacy of love lives on. you mean more to me than
you know.
To my sister in law Marjory, your kindness and thoughtfulness have filled
our lives with happy memories, including my nieces, nephews, and
grandnephews: Jeff and Marsha Lipsky, Jeniece Lipsky, Brad, Adam, Jami,
Nathan, Daniel, Rachel, and to the memory of Gene Lipsky . . . such
wonderful adventures.
To the whole Rubinstein clan . . . you’re great!
To the memory of Richard Rubinstein, a patriot and brave and noble man
—you are loved and missed.
To Sol Lesh, thank you for your constant loyalty, kindness, and support
always.
To my beloved cousins Laura and Mark Zirulnik and Ginny and Barry
Zirulnik: growing up together made us more siblings than cousins. And, I’m
reminded, every day, of the warm and loving memories of our childhood.
To my beloved cousins Ann and Andrew Tisch, who are always there,
with open and loving arms, to support and catch me if I fall.
To the awesome Dr. Dean Ornish, M.D., my brother from another
mother. Thank you for always being there.
To the late Dr.William Brugh Joy, M.D., the journey continues.
To Dr. James Lomax, thank you.
To my wonderful friend and mentor Alma Gildenhorn, who has lovingly
inspired, guided, and mentored me throughout the years.
To my amazing friends – inspirational mentors all, thank for your loyalty,
love, support… and most of all, for listening: Danny Akaka, Dr. Amany
Ahmed, Anita and Chris Anderson, Missy and Lyle Anderson, Mahnaz
and Dari Ansari, Shahla and Ambassador Hushang Ansary, Beverly and
Dan Arnold, The Honorable Nancy Atlas, Barbara and the late Gerson
Bakar, Susan and The Honorable James Addison “Jim” Baker III, Joy and
Hugh Bancroft, Laurel Barrack, Ambassador Barbara and Clyde Barrett,
Carol Bartz, Admiral C.R. (Bob) Bell, Lyndie Bensen, B.A. Bentsen, Gayle
and Lloyd Bentsen III, Wilma and Ambassador Stuart Bernstein, Tova
Borgnine, Nancy and David Boschwitz, Paul Brenner, Renee and William
Brinkerhoff, Cathy and Dr. Gary Brock, Sally Brown, Nichole and Eli
Buchis, Marj and Tom Callinan, Diane Cassil, Donna and Max Chapman,
Pamela and Rick Crandall, Danielle and Meredith Cullen, Lorri and Jack
Cuthbert, Rania and Jamal Daniel, Teran Davis, Dr. John Dawson, Marti
DeBenedetti and Dr. Ray Lagger, Liz and Dr. Bill Decker, Rinchen Dharlo,
Dr. Colin Dinney, Terry Huffington Dittman and Dr. Ralph Dittman, Joy
and Leon Dreimann, Liz Dubin, Jerri Duddlesten Moore, Deborah Duncan,
Dr. David Eagleman, Eileen Eastham, Suellen Estrin, Gail and Mark
Edwards, Diane Farb, Huda & Samia Farouki, Dr. Kelli and Martin Fein,
Mike Feinberg, Suzanne and Elliott Felson, Debi and Gary Fournier, Nancy
Furlotti, Helen and Rich Gates, Mun Sok Geiger, Alma and Ambassasor
Joseph Gildenhorn, Madeline and Harlan Gittin, Dr. Mireille and Sir
Dennis Gillings, Hannah and Gene Golub, Christine and Sheldon
Gordon, Shep Gordon, Glenda and Gerald Greenwald, Rabbi Steven M.
Gross, Penny Griego, Tara Lynda and Peter Guber, Lodi Gyari, Mariska
Hargitay, Goldie Hawn, Paul and Cassandra Hazen, Miriam and Merle
Hinrich, Joanne Herring, Dr. Ron Hickerson, Janet and Paul Hobby, Amy
Hertz, Gigi Huang, Arianna Huffington, Mike Huffington, Stormy and
David Hull, Caroline Hunt, Dr. Carlos Isada, Lek and Bill Jahnke, Maggie
and Ian Joye, Debi and Rick Justice, Barbara and Robert Kildow, Maureen
and Gene Kim, Richard & Lauren King, The late Right Honorable Patricia
Knatchbull, Countess Mountbatten of Burma, Lord Norton Louis Philp
Knatchbill, Count Mountbatten of Burma and Lady Penelope Knatchbill,
Countess Mountbatten of Burma, Susan and Bert Kobayashi, Sima and
Masoud Ladjevardian, Lyn and Norman Lear, Sandy Le, Sara and Tom
Lewis, Faith and Dr. Peter Linden, YinYee and Paul Locklin, Adriana
Longoria, Sheryl and Rob Lowe, Sally and Don Lucas, Carolyn and Taf
Lufkin, Dawn and Duncan MacNaughton, Ann Marie and Jim Mahoney,
Marlene and The Honorable Fred Malek, Alexandra Marshall, Dr. Andrew
Martorella, JoAnn and John Mason, Ann Mather, Leigh and Bill Matthes,
Cheryl McArthur, Bonnie and Tom McCloskey, Susan and JB McIntosh,
Andrea and Bobby McTamaney, Pat Mitchell, Janet and Thomas Montag,
Dr. Courtenay Moore, Ione and Sidney Moran, Joy and Stewart Morris,
Jenie Moses, Rosa Mow, and Dr. Bill Mow, Susan and Edward Mueller, The
Right Honourable Brian Mulroney and Mila Mulroney, Scott Murray,
Jeanette Lerman - Neubauer and The Honorable Joseph Neubauer, Dr.
Dean and Anne Ornish, Sandy and the late Paul Ortellni, Jane and Carl
Panattoni, Renee and Robert (Bob) Parsons, Rhonda and Tom Peed,
Cynthia and Tony Petrello, Mary and Andy Pilara, Lexy and Robert
Potamkin, Alma Powell, Carolyn Powers, Elsa and C.N. Reddy, Lynda and
Stewart Resnick, Elaine and Hans Riddervold, Sogyal Rinpoche, Michelle
Robson, Marianne Rogers, Fred and Marian Rosen, Carol and Jay
Rosenbaum, John and Judy Runstead, Susan and Pat Rutherford, Arlene
and John Saffro, Kim and Jim Schneider, Joan Schnitzer-Levy and Ervin
Levy, June and Paul Schorr, Walter Scott, Susan and Fayez Sarofim, Louisa
Sarofim, Dr. Joshua Septimus, Sandi and Ron Simon, Sue and Lester
Smith, Jennifer and Tony Smorgon, Susan and Randy Snyder, Lois and
George Stark, Agapi Stassinopoulos, Paul & Elle Stephens, Kathleen and
Bob Styer, Kitch Taub, Mae Thomas, Nena and Dr. Robert Thurman,
Sandy and James Treliving, Doan and Dr. Joe Trigg, Phoebe and Bobby
Tudor, Gerda and Jerry Ungerman, Dr. Alberto Villoldo, Pince
SangayWangchuck and the Queen Mother of Bhutan, Joe and Marjorie
Walsh, Melani and Rob Walton, Tom and Hilary Watson, Lynda and Doug
Weiser, Marcie Taub-Wessel and Tom Wessel, Karin and Paul Wick, Dr.
James Willerson, Margaret Williams, Jeannie and Wallace Wilson,
Shannon and Dennis Wong, Julie Wrigley, Lynn and OscarWyatt, Gail and
Mike Yanney, Pat and Michael York To our outstanding Second Tuesday
Group: Cathy and Giorgio Borlenghi, Pam and William Burge, Susan and
Ronald Blankenship, Polly and Murry Bowden,Mo and Ric Campo,
Christy and Louis Cushman, Bonnie and Peter Williams Dienna, Patti and
Richard Everett, Wendy and Jeff Hines, Suzie and Larry Johnson, Ann and
Frank McGuyer, Leila and Walter Mischer, Eileen and John Moody,
Kathleen and William Sharman, Sharon Wilkes and Thomas, Simmons,
Marcia and David Solomon, Andrea and Bill White, Mary and David
Wolff, Diane and Tom Windler.
To our very special Houston Mediation Group and Hawaii Meditation
Group: thank you.
To Don Fehr, my brilliant agent, who has worked tirelessly on my behalf
and helped me in more ways than I can enumerate.
To my Executive Editor Suzanne Staszak-Silva, thank you for all your
sensational ideas and generous guidance that encouraged me all the way to
the finish line.
To my Senior Production Editor, Elaine McGarraugh, thank you for your
upmost professionalism, patience, flexibility, and open heart. You are
terrific.
To Marlynn Schotland, thank you for your media magic.
Rene’ Richards, thank you for all your help along the way . . . as always.
Jill Sorenson, thank you for always doing what’s needed.
To wonderful remarkable Randi Palmer, who is always there when I need
her. She started this project with me and saw it through to the end. She
worked tirelessly to make sure that we met every deadline.
To Pam Guthrie, whose kind-hearted warmth brings family spirit into our
office. whose devotion and loyalty has brought the family spirit of our office
into this next stage of my life.
To my loving friends, Ulma Mejia, Zulma Mejia, Kristin Hunt, and Andy
Estrada, who are part of our family and take wonderful care of us.
To Hanna and Eduardo, our flower-masters.
Alex Hamden, you have been wonderful to our family, throughout the
past 30 years.
To everyone at Kukio, Nanea, and Hualalai, thank you all, for always
being there to help us and make our lives a true Nanea: Natasha Curran,
Kai Fukuda, Marc Hasegawa, Juliana Kasberg, Walter Nakashima, Jr., Gene
Namnama, Lauren Pollard, Jacqueline Roses and Shun Tsukazaki at Kukio
Golf and Beach Club.
To Daniel Avendano Silva, George Boeckmann, KC Botelho, Adam
Condon, Marcial Correa, George Cost, Terry Costales, Joseph Forester,
Jorge Garcia, Ben Halpern, Todd Harrington, John Henry, Mavis Hirata,
Kaipo Kaahu-Mahi, Chirs Keiter, Kimberly Kim, Tyler Kirkendoll, Kris
Kitt, Lance Lawhead, Stacie Loo, Maila Makaena-Pucong, Christopher
Manley, Dustin Marin, Keith McGonagle, Kainapau Meheula, Jarren
Menke, Darren Naihe, Ian Noonan, Matt Pinstein, Juan Rodriguez,
Michael Romero, Jim Saunders, Yuri Stuermer, and Channing Tam at
Nanea.
To Barbara Eldridge and all the girls in the office, and Brendan Moynahan
and all the golf pros at Hualalai.