8 Years Ago, and 8 Years Later Again

FictionFiction
Written in first person, the story revolvesWritten in first person, the story revolves
around Maya’s Present and Past. Destiny putsaround Maya’s Present and Past. Destiny puts
her through pain, ‘8 years ago, and 8 yearsher through pain, ‘8 years ago, and 8 years
later again’, that she describes as still, darklater again’, that she describes as still, dark
black. She will find a touch of the ecstasy ofblack. She will find a touch of the ecstasy of
love, but how long will it last?love, but how long will it last?

““8 Years Ago, And 88 Years Ago, And 8
Years Later Again”Years Later Again”

It was dark. But not darker than the deep hole he had dug in myIt was dark. But not darker than the deep hole he had dug in my
life, to ruin it, to make it incomplete. He had dug this hole tolife, to ruin it, to make it incomplete. He had dug this hole to
steal the treasure of happiness out of me and replace it withsteal the treasure of happiness out of me and replace it with
gloom and helplessness as a substitute. The hole was meant togloom and helplessness as a substitute. The hole was meant to
convert me from whole to hole. It was so big, so deep, soconvert me from whole to hole. It was so big, so deep, so
visible that I couldn’t hide it, couldn’t fill it back with happiness. Ivisible that I couldn’t hide it, couldn’t fill it back with happiness. I
had to live with the melancholy, with the fire that burnt deephad to live with the melancholy, with the fire that burnt deep
within me; it’s flames bursting out, refusing to calm themselveswithin me; it’s flames bursting out, refusing to calm themselves
down- boiling out like a lava no longer ready to remain in it’sdown- boiling out like a lava no longer ready to remain in it’s
volcano, refusing to stop the destruction it was causing. Butvolcano, refusing to stop the destruction it was causing. But
what is left even after the lava does stop boiling? It dries, turnswhat is left even after the lava does stop boiling? It dries, turns
into stone. And that was just what was going to happen to me. Iinto stone. And that was just what was going to happen to me. I
would be a stone- a heartless, feeling-less, lifeless stone,would be a stone- a heartless, feeling-less, lifeless stone,
without a particle of joy, without the inner pleasure that alonewithout a particle of joy, without the inner pleasure that alone
makes one complete.makes one complete.

I was divided- my colder, gloomier side taking over my wholeI was divided- my colder, gloomier side taking over my whole
self, erasing me, cutting me off from whatever life remained inself, erasing me, cutting me off from whatever life remained in
me.me.
I had tried, I had struggled, to wake myself up from this badI had tried, I had struggled, to wake myself up from this bad
dream, or maybe I had tried to put myself in a peaceful dreamdream, or maybe I had tried to put myself in a peaceful dream
to escape the harsh realities of my life. It was at these timesto escape the harsh realities of my life. It was at these times
that I was grateful that dreams existed.that I was grateful that dreams existed.
Because I usually had good dreams. Dreams in which I was little,Because I usually had good dreams. Dreams in which I was little,
happy, laughing, having a good time. I would often see myhappy, laughing, having a good time. I would often see my
father in my dreams. My father and I were a jolly pair. We wouldfather in my dreams. My father and I were a jolly pair. We would
often go out together on Saturdays and treat ourselves withoften go out together on Saturdays and treat ourselves with
ice-cream, after which we would go to Sindbad and I would sitice-cream, after which we would go to Sindbad and I would sit
on the rides for children. He would pick me up and kiss meon the rides for children. He would pick me up and kiss me
when I would sit on a ride.when I would sit on a ride.

We used to spend quality time together- just the two ofWe used to spend quality time together- just the two of
us, and after a whole day of laughing and enjoying, weus, and after a whole day of laughing and enjoying, we
would go back home and I would curl up besides himwould go back home and I would curl up besides him
and talk to him of the day’s adventures. His strongand talk to him of the day’s adventures. His strong
arms made me feel at home, made me feel protected,arms made me feel at home, made me feel protected,
and even though I cried over my mother’s death nearlyand even though I cried over my mother’s death nearly
everyday, it was at these times that I thought lifeeveryday, it was at these times that I thought life
needed no more improvement.needed no more improvement.
This, of course, was before the accident I remember soThis, of course, was before the accident I remember so
vividly. Even though I was only 11 at the time, and itvividly. Even though I was only 11 at the time, and it
had been 8 years to this incident, I still rememberedhad been 8 years to this incident, I still remembered
each and every detail.each and every detail.
Father and I were out on for our weekly enjoyment, butFather and I were out on for our weekly enjoyment, but
there were no empty parking slots.there were no empty parking slots.

Daddy found a small, closed space, but once we parked, bothDaddy found a small, closed space, but once we parked, both
doors wouldn’t open, so he told me to wait outside while hedoors wouldn’t open, so he told me to wait outside while he
parked. He kissed me on the forehead, not knowing it would beparked. He kissed me on the forehead, not knowing it would be
the last. As I stepped outside, he said,the last. As I stepped outside, he said,
““Watch out, and don’t go too far, okay?”Watch out, and don’t go too far, okay?”
I nodded in answer and waited on the footpath.I nodded in answer and waited on the footpath.
He started driving towards his destination, when suddenly, out ofHe started driving towards his destination, when suddenly, out of
no where, a car sped circling down and hit my father’s car.no where, a car sped circling down and hit my father’s car.
There was no time to stop, to understand, or even to scream. IThere was no time to stop, to understand, or even to scream. I
could only stand there with my jaw dropped and eyes widecould only stand there with my jaw dropped and eyes wide
open as my father went crashing with the car hitting a bambooopen as my father went crashing with the car hitting a bamboo
pole at full speed. He did scream, though, as his heart beatpole at full speed. He did scream, though, as his heart beat
much faster than normal for the last few times before stoppingmuch faster than normal for the last few times before stopping
forever.forever.

The scene was over in a few minutes. No last-momentThe scene was over in a few minutes. No last-moment
sufferings, last words, last promises. It was all over- done for.sufferings, last words, last promises. It was all over- done for.
His breath, his soul, was taken away. All that lay there wasHis breath, his soul, was taken away. All that lay there was
blood-covered lifeless flesh.blood-covered lifeless flesh.
And I knew very well that it was only flesh and blood, becauseAnd I knew very well that it was only flesh and blood, because
my father had been taken up to the heavens, and it was thatmy father had been taken up to the heavens, and it was that
soul I had loved so much, not the body that lay there lifelessly.soul I had loved so much, not the body that lay there lifelessly.
When I finally gathered voice enough to scream, I looked up,When I finally gathered voice enough to scream, I looked up,
my hands reaching out at the dark, black sky, as if to snatchmy hands reaching out at the dark, black sky, as if to snatch
back without what my life would be meaningless. Useless.back without what my life would be meaningless. Useless.
Incomplete.Incomplete.
I dropped to my knees with my hands on the ground, and closedI dropped to my knees with my hands on the ground, and closed
my eyes so I could avoid seeing my father in the condition hemy eyes so I could avoid seeing my father in the condition he
was in, and could picture him as my cheerful father with thewas in, and could picture him as my cheerful father with the
rosy smile.rosy smile.

But I could see nothing. Only black. The dark black silence thatBut I could see nothing. Only black. The dark black silence that
was sinking down on my heart. The burden that weighed on mywas sinking down on my heart. The burden that weighed on my
chest so heavily. The black shadows of the gloomy, dark night.chest so heavily. The black shadows of the gloomy, dark night.
And here again, 8 years later, I was again standing in the sameAnd here again, 8 years later, I was again standing in the same
still dark, wondering why everyone who ever did come in my lifestill dark, wondering why everyone who ever did come in my life
only came to make it more incomplete than before, only to digonly came to make it more incomplete than before, only to dig
the hole of tragedy even further.the hole of tragedy even further.
3 months back, when it had been 7 years and 9 months to3 months back, when it had been 7 years and 9 months to
Daddy’s death, I had adjusted to my new way of life, living withDaddy’s death, I had adjusted to my new way of life, living with
my guardian aunt, never considering that apartment as mymy guardian aunt, never considering that apartment as my
house or home, always remembering that I was an orphan andhouse or home, always remembering that I was an orphan and
not a step-daughter, that I was deprived of the biggest blessingnot a step-daughter, that I was deprived of the biggest blessing
of life- Parents, and that there really was no substitute of it.of life- Parents, and that there really was no substitute of it.

That is how I had spent nearly 8 difficult years of my life. I wasThat is how I had spent nearly 8 difficult years of my life. I was
now 19. I had graduated from college, working part time as anow 19. I had graduated from college, working part time as a
teacher’s assistant to pay my fees. My grades were goodteacher’s assistant to pay my fees. My grades were good
enough for me to get an opportunity to work for 3 months in theenough for me to get an opportunity to work for 3 months in the
Human Resource Department of a big firm, which would beHuman Resource Department of a big firm, which would be
beneficial for my future career and studies.beneficial for my future career and studies.
On my first day, as I entered the office, there was a scene ofOn my first day, as I entered the office, there was a scene of
chaos. I stood there, utterly confused, till it became evident thatchaos. I stood there, utterly confused, till it became evident that
two men had gotten into an argument which had now turnedtwo men had gotten into an argument which had now turned
into a full-fledged fight.into a full-fledged fight.
““How uncivilized these educated illiterates are!”, I thought toHow uncivilized these educated illiterates are!”, I thought to
myself, and prayed that I get to stay away from them in the 3myself, and prayed that I get to stay away from them in the 3
months I was going to be here.months I was going to be here.

I approached the desk that had a ‘Student’ tag on it and settledI approached the desk that had a ‘Student’ tag on it and settled
down till the scene cleared. Eventually, the two men weredown till the scene cleared. Eventually, the two men were
parted and people resumed their work.parted and people resumed their work.
I knew that I was the youngest person there, in fact, the onlyI knew that I was the youngest person there, in fact, the only
student, and that I was here because of my excellent results,student, and that I was here because of my excellent results,
and also that I would be working under a senior employee, orand also that I would be working under a senior employee, or
maybe just following them around to see what work they do.maybe just following them around to see what work they do.
A man, aged about 31, came and sat on the seat besides me.A man, aged about 31, came and sat on the seat besides me.
He had a small moustache and little beard hair, was tan-He had a small moustache and little beard hair, was tan-
skinned and had short but messy black hair. He had smallskinned and had short but messy black hair. He had small
brown eyes, and as I looked up at his face, I saw that he hadbrown eyes, and as I looked up at his face, I saw that he had
particularly attractive dimples. His work badge showed that hisparticularly attractive dimples. His work badge showed that his
name was ‘Ayan Hassan’. As I watched him, I realized that hename was ‘Ayan Hassan’. As I watched him, I realized that he
was the same person who had been arguing with another just awas the same person who had been arguing with another just a
while ago.while ago.

Sure, he looked angry. His tie was untied and his shirt wasn’tSure, he looked angry. His tie was untied and his shirt wasn’t
properly tucked under his pants. He shrugged his shoulders toproperly tucked under his pants. He shrugged his shoulders to
set his coat, ran his fingers through his hair and took a deepset his coat, ran his fingers through his hair and took a deep
breath to calm himself down.breath to calm himself down.
He turned around to face me, analyzing me from top to bottom,He turned around to face me, analyzing me from top to bottom,
and then asked me, “And who are you, young lady? What workand then asked me, “And who are you, young lady? What work
are you supposed to do?”are you supposed to do?”
““Sir, I am a student and this company has offered me to workSir, I am a student and this company has offered me to work
here as internship under an experienced employee. I found myhere as internship under an experienced employee. I found my
tag here”, and held out the tag to show him.tag here”, and held out the tag to show him.
He thought for a moment, and then said,He thought for a moment, and then said,
““Oh yes, I remember! Maya”, he paused for a second, thenOh yes, I remember! Maya”, he paused for a second, then
resumed, “Maya Anees, right?”resumed, “Maya Anees, right?”
““Yes sir, that is me,” I replied, wishing he would not be one of theYes sir, that is me,” I replied, wishing he would not be one of the
people I would work with.people I would work with.

““Well Maya,” he said, “you would be my assistant here for theWell Maya,” he said, “you would be my assistant here for the
next 3 months”.next 3 months”.
My legs started trembling as he dropped the unfortunate newsMy legs started trembling as he dropped the unfortunate news
bomb on me, and I asked,bomb on me, and I asked,
““So then, I am something like a secretary?”So then, I am something like a secretary?”
He gave a hearty little laugh, his dimples showing beautifully,He gave a hearty little laugh, his dimples showing beautifully,
making his face look suddenly innocent, and said, “No, not likemaking his face look suddenly innocent, and said, “No, not like
a secretary, rather like a helper”.a secretary, rather like a helper”.
I was relieved. But not because I was not a secretary, butI was relieved. But not because I was not a secretary, but
because of that hearty little laugh, and I felt like I might have tobecause of that hearty little laugh, and I felt like I might have to
change my opinion about him with time.change my opinion about him with time.
His pace of explaining me my work was very fast, but so was myHis pace of explaining me my work was very fast, but so was my
grabbing pace, because of which we were soon done with thegrabbing pace, because of which we were soon done with the
introduction part. He would give me approving smiles wheneverintroduction part. He would give me approving smiles whenever
I would answer correctly the questions he asked me to test meI would answer correctly the questions he asked me to test me
what I understood.what I understood.

After a few days of excellent co-operation, he asked me if IAfter a few days of excellent co-operation, he asked me if I
wanted to go for lunch with him. I was reluctant to go, but hewanted to go for lunch with him. I was reluctant to go, but he
said,said,
““Well, how about you consider this an order too? Only a few menWell, how about you consider this an order too? Only a few men
stay here during lunch time, everyone else leaves for lunchstay here during lunch time, everyone else leaves for lunch
outside the office. I wasn’t much bothered earlier, but now that Ioutside the office. I wasn’t much bothered earlier, but now that I
look at it, it’s not entirely safe for you to stay here,” and thenlook at it, it’s not entirely safe for you to stay here,” and then
added, “and your safety is important.”added, “and your safety is important.”
I looked up at him and saw what my life had lacked for the past 8I looked up at him and saw what my life had lacked for the past 8
years; the heart-warming feeling of knowing that someoneyears; the heart-warming feeling of knowing that someone
wanted me to be protected, that someone really cared if I waswanted me to be protected, that someone really cared if I was
safe. I then agreed to go to a nearby restaurant.safe. I then agreed to go to a nearby restaurant.
““So?”, he said, as he seated.So?”, he said, as he seated.
““I don’t know. I’ve never been out on lunch like this before”, II don’t know. I’ve never been out on lunch like this before”, I
remarked, as I looked around at the big restaurant.remarked, as I looked around at the big restaurant.

He gave his hearty little laugh again, and said,He gave his hearty little laugh again, and said,
““But you don’t need to be an expert at outdoor lunches to be ableBut you don’t need to be an expert at outdoor lunches to be able
to talk, you know.”to talk, you know.”
““You’re right,” I said, with a nod, and then added, “But I am notYou’re right,” I said, with a nod, and then added, “But I am not
even an expert at talking.”even an expert at talking.”
““Two weeks!”, he exclaimed, bending forward and tapping hisTwo weeks!”, he exclaimed, bending forward and tapping his
hands at the table, “Stay with me for two weeks and I’ll teachhands at the table, “Stay with me for two weeks and I’ll teach
you how to speak”you how to speak”
And sure enough, in the following two weeks, we had talked onAnd sure enough, in the following two weeks, we had talked on
all sorts of topics- from what can be done for world peace toall sorts of topics- from what can be done for world peace to
how to explain the cleaner to dust our desks properly. Wehow to explain the cleaner to dust our desks properly. We
talked about food, about education, politics, office gossip andtalked about food, about education, politics, office gossip and
various other things. But we never talked about our family orvarious other things. But we never talked about our family or
anything private.anything private.

I had always been sober and reserved throughout my school andI had always been sober and reserved throughout my school and
college years. It was partly because of the trauma I had to gocollege years. It was partly because of the trauma I had to go
through, but partly it was because I could not adjust amongthrough, but partly it was because I could not adjust among
people of my own age. I had probably needed some onepeople of my own age. I had probably needed some one
bigger, older, more mature, to understand me, to have abigger, older, more mature, to understand me, to have a
conversation with. And now here, despite the fact that we wereconversation with. And now here, despite the fact that we were
only talking about general things, I felt at ease with him.only talking about general things, I felt at ease with him.
Without realizing, I would sometimes glance at him while he wasWithout realizing, I would sometimes glance at him while he was
working, and smile at my own self.working, and smile at my own self.
More time passed and I started looking forward to meeting himMore time passed and I started looking forward to meeting him
everyday, would be pleased when there was more work to doeveryday, would be pleased when there was more work to do
together and quietly upset when he failed to show up for work.together and quietly upset when he failed to show up for work.
I had never been a passionate believer of love, which is probablyI had never been a passionate believer of love, which is probably
why I could not understand the increasing attraction andwhy I could not understand the increasing attraction and
growing fondness that I felt for him.growing fondness that I felt for him.

Within two months, I had completely given myself away to himWithin two months, I had completely given myself away to him
and found myself thinking of him and the times we spentand found myself thinking of him and the times we spent
together. My feelings were innocent, and all I knew was that Itogether. My feelings were innocent, and all I knew was that I
was happy, after 8 years of sorrow.was happy, after 8 years of sorrow.
But then, one night, I had a strange dream.But then, one night, I had a strange dream.
Ayan had now not only become the centre of my thoughts, butAyan had now not only become the centre of my thoughts, but
even my dreams. This night, however, I dreamt of my fathereven my dreams. This night, however, I dreamt of my father
again. I saw him sitting on his rocking chair, smiling his cheekyagain. I saw him sitting on his rocking chair, smiling his cheeky
smile, with me in his lap. How old was I? Five? Six? Mummysmile, with me in his lap. How old was I? Five? Six? Mummy
stood besides us too. She was holding hands with dad.stood besides us too. She was holding hands with dad.
In a blurry vision, I saw the scene change from my house to aIn a blurry vision, I saw the scene change from my house to a
thick, dark forest. Father was still in his chair and I was still inthick, dark forest. Father was still in his chair and I was still in
his lap, but this time, he looked upset. As I turned around, I sawhis lap, but this time, he looked upset. As I turned around, I saw
that Mummy was gone and daddy’s hands were clenched in athat Mummy was gone and daddy’s hands were clenched in a
tight fist.tight fist.

Tall, thorny trees surrounded us and it started raining heavily.Tall, thorny trees surrounded us and it started raining heavily.
The sky was pitch black and lightning struck alongside too.The sky was pitch black and lightning struck alongside too.
Gusts of wind blew furiously, making the cold harder to bear.Gusts of wind blew furiously, making the cold harder to bear.
““Daddy!”, I screamed with fright, shut my eyes tight and held himDaddy!”, I screamed with fright, shut my eyes tight and held him
tighter than before, but he did not respond back. He did nottighter than before, but he did not respond back. He did not
even speak to me, or console me. His fist was still clenchedeven speak to me, or console me. His fist was still clenched
and he wore an angry look, rather a blaming look, and he wasand he wore an angry look, rather a blaming look, and he was
looking at me. I understood it now. He was angry at me. Helooking at me. I understood it now. He was angry at me. He
believed I was responsible for the tragic turn our life had taken,believed I was responsible for the tragic turn our life had taken,
that I was responsible for Mummy’s loss. I watched in dismaythat I was responsible for Mummy’s loss. I watched in dismay
as he shoved me off his chair. The distance between us startedas he shoved me off his chair. The distance between us started
growing and I held out my hands, reaching for him. But thegrowing and I held out my hands, reaching for him. But the
distance kept growing, till I could not even see his silhouette. Itdistance kept growing, till I could not even see his silhouette. It
kept growing further till the dream ended.kept growing further till the dream ended.

With a flash, I woke up, astounded and worried. I wiped theWith a flash, I woke up, astounded and worried. I wiped the
beads of perspiration that had formed on my forehead, and ranbeads of perspiration that had formed on my forehead, and ran
my fingers through my hair. What was it that I just saw? Did itmy fingers through my hair. What was it that I just saw? Did it
reveal the true picture of my life? Had dad ever hated me? Heldreveal the true picture of my life? Had dad ever hated me? Held
me responsible for mother’s death? She had died of illness, byme responsible for mother’s death? She had died of illness, by
falling too weak, I remembered that too well, even though I wasfalling too weak, I remembered that too well, even though I was
only seven at the time of her death. Dad had always stood byonly seven at the time of her death. Dad had always stood by
my side and we grieved over her death together. I alsomy side and we grieved over her death together. I also
remembered, however, that he had been bitter and cold in theremembered, however, that he had been bitter and cold in the
early days after her death. But then, that was his generalearly days after her death. But then, that was his general
behavior with everyone at the time.behavior with everyone at the time.
I had to find out whether all of what I saw had any bit of truth in it.I had to find out whether all of what I saw had any bit of truth in it.
Whether it was only a dream or it had a cold touch of reality, IWhether it was only a dream or it had a cold touch of reality, I
had to know.had to know.

With all these thoughts circling in my head, I headed to the diningWith all these thoughts circling in my head, I headed to the dining
room for breakfast. Twisting my fork and spoon around myroom for breakfast. Twisting my fork and spoon around my
food, I glanced at my guardian aunt. Maybe she had the right,food, I glanced at my guardian aunt. Maybe she had the right,
satisfying answers to my mind-befuddling questions. But theresatisfying answers to my mind-befuddling questions. But there
was no time for it now. I did not want to be late for work.was no time for it now. I did not want to be late for work.
When I reached the office, I was told that there was not muchWhen I reached the office, I was told that there was not much
work for me today, as Ayan had some of his own work to finish.work for me today, as Ayan had some of his own work to finish.
Sitting on my seat for a while, I realized that I needed a lightSitting on my seat for a while, I realized that I needed a light
breeze of fresh air to cool my cheeks, hot from all the tension.breeze of fresh air to cool my cheeks, hot from all the tension.
The office had a small garden attached to it. As I stepped in it,The office had a small garden attached to it. As I stepped in it,
saw that I was the only one there. I sat on the grass, and buriedsaw that I was the only one there. I sat on the grass, and buried
my face in my knees that I held tightly together with both mymy face in my knees that I held tightly together with both my
hands, and let a tear or two roll their way down to be absorbedhands, and let a tear or two roll their way down to be absorbed
by my clothes. I then lifted my chin and looked up at the sky toby my clothes. I then lifted my chin and looked up at the sky to
see that the Sun was hiding behind the clouds.see that the Sun was hiding behind the clouds.

Maybe it too, needed to bury it’s face to roll a tear or two that theMaybe it too, needed to bury it’s face to roll a tear or two that the
clouds would absorb? I looked at the clouds and saw how filledclouds would absorb? I looked at the clouds and saw how filled
with water they were, ready to overflow and burst out any time.with water they were, ready to overflow and burst out any time.
They defined my current position so well.They defined my current position so well.
As I watched these objects of nature with my red eyes andAs I watched these objects of nature with my red eyes and
cheeks exposed to the air of the city, I felt that what I neededcheeks exposed to the air of the city, I felt that what I needed
most was a comforting pat on the shoulder. And I couldn’t bemost was a comforting pat on the shoulder. And I couldn’t be
happier when it came from none other than Ayan. I nearlyhappier when it came from none other than Ayan. I nearly
jumped in surprise to see him there.jumped in surprise to see him there.
““I have been looking for you all over!”, he said, with his breathI have been looking for you all over!”, he said, with his breath
running short, “Didn’t expect to find you here though.”running short, “Didn’t expect to find you here though.”
He sat down right besides me, so close, we nearly touched. IHe sat down right besides me, so close, we nearly touched. I
only raised my eyes to meet his, and gave no answer. Heonly raised my eyes to meet his, and gave no answer. He
noticed my wet eyes and immediately looked troubled.noticed my wet eyes and immediately looked troubled.

He stood up from his place and kneeled down right in front ofHe stood up from his place and kneeled down right in front of
me, put both his hands on my shoulders, and asked me with ame, put both his hands on my shoulders, and asked me with a
look of pain, “You’ve been crying?”look of pain, “You’ve been crying?”
Hesitating, I said, “No, I haven’t. I am probably just tired and red-Hesitating, I said, “No, I haven’t. I am probably just tired and red-
eyed,” and tried moving back. But he wouldn’t budge.eyed,” and tried moving back. But he wouldn’t budge.
““Don’t lie to me, Maya! It is another thing if you are unwilling toDon’t lie to me, Maya! It is another thing if you are unwilling to
tell me, but it upsets me to see you like this”.tell me, but it upsets me to see you like this”.
That was the end of my resistance. My eyes quickly filled up. IThat was the end of my resistance. My eyes quickly filled up. I
hugged him tight and burst into tears. He was slightly takenhugged him tight and burst into tears. He was slightly taken
aback, but a few seconds later, he put his hand softly on myaback, but a few seconds later, he put his hand softly on my
long, brown hair, and then placing both his hands on mylong, brown hair, and then placing both his hands on my
cheeks, he wiped my tears and tried comforting me.cheeks, he wiped my tears and tried comforting me.
I couldn’t hold back one word then and told him everything-I couldn’t hold back one word then and told him everything-
about dad, mom, my loneliness, the dream, my questions,about dad, mom, my loneliness, the dream, my questions,
everything.everything.

Everything except what I felt for him. I don’t know what held meEverything except what I felt for him. I don’t know what held me
back that day, but it certainly was something. Maybe it wasback that day, but it certainly was something. Maybe it was
father’s last words,father’s last words,
““Watch out, and don’t go too far, okay?”Watch out, and don’t go too far, okay?”
But I had already gone too far. Too far to return back to my old,But I had already gone too far. Too far to return back to my old,
sorrowful life.sorrowful life.
Ayan consoled me, and assured me that I would find answers toAyan consoled me, and assured me that I would find answers to
all my questions and that I really needed to take care of myself.all my questions and that I really needed to take care of myself.
Maybe he said all that as some sort of a formality, or because heMaybe he said all that as some sort of a formality, or because he
was my colleague, maybe even as a friend. But nothing more,was my colleague, maybe even as a friend. But nothing more,
that I knew.that I knew.
I did know, though, who could answer my questions. It was myI did know, though, who could answer my questions. It was my
aunt. She was Dad’s cousin, and was as close to him as anaunt. She was Dad’s cousin, and was as close to him as an
older sister would be.older sister would be.

Dad had been an only child too and his parents passedDad had been an only child too and his parents passed
away when he was in college. He had shared his painaway when he was in college. He had shared his pain
with aunt, and it was her who formally took the proposalwith aunt, and it was her who formally took the proposal
for mother, who at the time, worked at the same place asfor mother, who at the time, worked at the same place as
dad. Dad had loved mom from the bottom of his heart,dad. Dad had loved mom from the bottom of his heart,
and that was apparent to anyone who met them evenand that was apparent to anyone who met them even
once. So, if I really had any connection with mother’sonce. So, if I really had any connection with mother’s
death, she would know.death, she would know.
3 weeks passed, but I could not gather enough courage to3 weeks passed, but I could not gather enough courage to
talk to her. It was now the last day of work, and it was alsotalk to her. It was now the last day of work, and it was also
the day when daddy died 8 years ago. I did not know ifthe day when daddy died 8 years ago. I did not know if
Ayan would stay in contact with me after I left. I did notAyan would stay in contact with me after I left. I did not
know what would become of us, if anything at all.know what would become of us, if anything at all.

After breakfast, I saw aunt all alone in her room and everyoneAfter breakfast, I saw aunt all alone in her room and everyone
else was busy. It was getting late for office, but I could not liveelse was busy. It was getting late for office, but I could not live
with my agony any longer. So I finally collected strength enoughwith my agony any longer. So I finally collected strength enough
to ask her, and I did so, very directly.to ask her, and I did so, very directly.
““Was I responsible for mummy’s death?”, I asked, with a straightWas I responsible for mummy’s death?”, I asked, with a straight
face, without twisting the topic.face, without twisting the topic.
She was taken aback, but once she recovered from her initialShe was taken aback, but once she recovered from her initial
shock, she looked at me as if I had discovered a harsh secret Ishock, she looked at me as if I had discovered a harsh secret I
was not supposed to find out.was not supposed to find out.
She looked away, and said, “What kind of weird questions youShe looked away, and said, “What kind of weird questions you
ask, girl! There is no such thing! Some one has been puttingask, girl! There is no such thing! Some one has been putting
wrong ideas in your head again”.wrong ideas in your head again”.
Without meeting my gaze, she started folding the clothes thatWithout meeting my gaze, she started folding the clothes that
were already folded and properly kept in order.were already folded and properly kept in order.

““Aunt?”, I said, in a softer tone.Aunt?”, I said, in a softer tone.
““What now?”, she asked, looking troubled.What now?”, she asked, looking troubled.
““Aunt, look here”Aunt, look here”
When she finally looked in my eyes, she had an expression ofWhen she finally looked in my eyes, she had an expression of
pain on her face.pain on her face.
““I know you are trying to hide something from me,” I began, “butI know you are trying to hide something from me,” I began, “but
it is of no use. I had a dream showing me many thought-it is of no use. I had a dream showing me many thought-
provoking images, and there is no convincing me now. Soprovoking images, and there is no convincing me now. So
please, I only want the non-sugar-coated truth.”please, I only want the non-sugar-coated truth.”
““Alright”. She gave up. She then starting stating things, one afterAlright”. She gave up. She then starting stating things, one after
another, things I never knew of, could never imagine.another, things I never knew of, could never imagine.
She told me that there were severe complications because of anShe told me that there were severe complications because of an
accident mummy went through, when I was about to be born.accident mummy went through, when I was about to be born.

My mother had grown weaker each passing day. It was as if IMy mother had grown weaker each passing day. It was as if I
used up all her life to fill life in my own self. When I was born, Iused up all her life to fill life in my own self. When I was born, I
was a healthy child, but mummy was much too weak a mother.was a healthy child, but mummy was much too weak a mother.
Everybody had hoped that she would get better with the passageEverybody had hoped that she would get better with the passage
of time. Temporarily, she did, but she would often fall ill, andof time. Temporarily, she did, but she would often fall ill, and
after I turned five, her strength started diminishing.after I turned five, her strength started diminishing.
No medicines worked for her, and people started saying that ifNo medicines worked for her, and people started saying that if
she would have agreed to not have me, things would have beenshe would have agreed to not have me, things would have been
different. She would have been healthy, cheerful, and lively.different. She would have been healthy, cheerful, and lively.
Dad tried ignoring these comments, but when this weakness tookDad tried ignoring these comments, but when this weakness took
mummy’s life, he believed it was me who took her life. Hemummy’s life, he believed it was me who took her life. He
started behaving coldly, rudely, bitterly.started behaving coldly, rudely, bitterly.

But I never knew that he could hate me so much, that he couldBut I never knew that he could hate me so much, that he could
not see through my innocent childish eyes the pain I felt when Inot see through my innocent childish eyes the pain I felt when I
cried myself to sleep every night.cried myself to sleep every night.
After some time passed, however, and mom became a thing ofAfter some time passed, however, and mom became a thing of
the past for most people, was when dad started viewing me asthe past for most people, was when dad started viewing me as
his beloved daughter, his wife’s last sign, as the poor child whohis beloved daughter, his wife’s last sign, as the poor child who
had lost her most precious asset, who needed care, affection,had lost her most precious asset, who needed care, affection,
and attention. And once he realized this, he put aside even hisand attention. And once he realized this, he put aside even his
own sadness and dedicated himself to make me happy, toown sadness and dedicated himself to make me happy, to
make my life worthy of living, to fill it with joy and colours ofmake my life worthy of living, to fill it with joy and colours of
happiness, but only to replace it with sorrow again, by leavinghappiness, but only to replace it with sorrow again, by leaving
this world once and for all.this world once and for all.
““By leaving this world once and for all,” the thought circled in myBy leaving this world once and for all,” the thought circled in my
head, and I left with a heavy heart.head, and I left with a heavy heart.

I had my questions answered, but I knew I would take a lot ofI had my questions answered, but I knew I would take a lot of
time before getting better. There was one person, however,time before getting better. There was one person, however,
who could make me feel better instantly. Just the thought of himwho could make me feel better instantly. Just the thought of him
was enough to bring a bright smile on my face.was enough to bring a bright smile on my face.
Office hours were nearly over, but it was my last day, so ofOffice hours were nearly over, but it was my last day, so of
course, I had to go.course, I had to go.
With a fast-beating heart, I opened the door and rolled my gazeWith a fast-beating heart, I opened the door and rolled my gaze
over to find Ayan. Sure, I saw him. But not how I wanted to seeover to find Ayan. Sure, I saw him. But not how I wanted to see
him, how I saw him everyday. I wanted to see him sitting on hishim, how I saw him everyday. I wanted to see him sitting on his
chair, looking up at me and smiling as I enter, making space forchair, looking up at me and smiling as I enter, making space for
me, inviting me to sit besides him.me, inviting me to sit besides him.
But today, I saw him in a corner, holding hands with a pretty girlBut today, I saw him in a corner, holding hands with a pretty girl
aged around 27, surrounded by a group of people, smiling andaged around 27, surrounded by a group of people, smiling and
laughing, as Ayan and Sofia’s wedding invitation card revolvedlaughing, as Ayan and Sofia’s wedding invitation card revolved
round the office.round the office.

He was laughing his same hearty laugh, smiling his same politeHe was laughing his same hearty laugh, smiling his same polite
smile, making his dimples look more visible and beautiful thansmile, making his dimples look more visible and beautiful than
ever. But the smile was not for me. It had never been for me. Itever. But the smile was not for me. It had never been for me. It
was all only in my head. It had always been only in my head.was all only in my head. It had always been only in my head.
And with this, I walked out of the door, running down theAnd with this, I walked out of the door, running down the
staircase, wiping the tears that had already started forming instaircase, wiping the tears that had already started forming in
my eyes. I marched quickly- marched past the guard I hadmy eyes. I marched quickly- marched past the guard I had
never forgotten to greet, past the garden I had never forgottennever forgotten to greet, past the garden I had never forgotten
to stop by and adore, past the fountain I had never forgotten toto stop by and adore, past the fountain I had never forgotten to
clasp my hands into, and past all the cars that violently honkedclasp my hands into, and past all the cars that violently honked
their horns at me as I walked blindly towards nowhere. I kepttheir horns at me as I walked blindly towards nowhere. I kept
walking. For hours, I kept walking, not even stopping to drinkwalking. For hours, I kept walking, not even stopping to drink
water, till I finally arrived near a small, calm pond in the eveningwater, till I finally arrived near a small, calm pond in the evening
when the sky was changing it’s colours, and the Sun waswhen the sky was changing it’s colours, and the Sun was
getting ready to shine elsewhere in the big, wide world.getting ready to shine elsewhere in the big, wide world.

I sat on a bench, surrounded by birds. Birds that chirped, thatI sat on a bench, surrounded by birds. Birds that chirped, that
sang, that fought against each other, and birds that peacefullysang, that fought against each other, and birds that peacefully
drank water and bathed in the pond. Birds that looked scareddrank water and bathed in the pond. Birds that looked scared
and hungry, and birds that looked happy and contented.and hungry, and birds that looked happy and contented.
I watched the birds for some time, but soon, even they left me,I watched the birds for some time, but soon, even they left me,
for the bright, pleasant day had ended and the cold, mercilessfor the bright, pleasant day had ended and the cold, merciless
night was beginning. I sat there, still, numb, and feeling-less.night was beginning. I sat there, still, numb, and feeling-less.
I wanted to cry, but I didn’t have the heart to feel the mountain ofI wanted to cry, but I didn’t have the heart to feel the mountain of
pain that had been dropped onto me, to crush me under thepain that had been dropped onto me, to crush me under the
weight.weight.
But the night soon grew darker and then I began to feel.But the night soon grew darker and then I began to feel.

I felt Ayan’s hands on my face, acting as my only ray of light in aI felt Ayan’s hands on my face, acting as my only ray of light in a
world of darkness.world of darkness.
I felt Dad’s arms holding me, acting as my cover of protection, asI felt Dad’s arms holding me, acting as my cover of protection, as
the real image of my castle in the air.the real image of my castle in the air.
I felt mom’s hands lovingly forming small bites for me, that careI felt mom’s hands lovingly forming small bites for me, that care
giving me more health and nutrition than the small bites of food.giving me more health and nutrition than the small bites of food.
I felt the cool breezes of wind that blew on my face when the SunI felt the cool breezes of wind that blew on my face when the Sun
hid itself in it’s cover of soft clouds.hid itself in it’s cover of soft clouds.
And then, I felt mummy’s eyes weakening, her face turningAnd then, I felt mummy’s eyes weakening, her face turning
smaller, till it diminished forever.smaller, till it diminished forever.
I felt for myself, the hatred father never showed me in all theI felt for myself, the hatred father never showed me in all the
years we spent together.years we spent together.
I felt my heart burning in large malicious flames upon seeing myI felt my heart burning in large malicious flames upon seeing my
only possession in the hands of someone else.only possession in the hands of someone else.

I felt lonely again. Tired. Frustrated. Lonely.I felt lonely again. Tired. Frustrated. Lonely.
I felt this darkness crawling inside me, shattering me in a millionI felt this darkness crawling inside me, shattering me in a million
tiny pieces.tiny pieces.
I felt this night taking over me, till all I could see was black. JustI felt this night taking over me, till all I could see was black. Just
dark, cruel, silent black.dark, cruel, silent black.
X-----------THE END---------XX-----------THE END---------X

8 Years Ago, and 8 Years Later Again

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8 Years Ago, and 8 Years Later Again