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COMS 254 Final Paper pdf
- 1. !1 When Mary and Andrew first met, everything was perfect; they both had things in common. They both had love and admiration for each other, and most importantly, had a lot of fun together. However, when they got married things started to change. Andrew would snap at Mary unprompted and blame her for his bad moods. He would also make everything as if it were her fault for his shortcomings. At first Mary did not notice, until one day she told her friend Priscilla, and Priscilla told her about verbal abuse, and what signs to notice. Although Andrew’s behavior did not leave any bruises, Mary lost her sense of self and self-worth. Suddenly, after much help from her therapist, she found the courage to get out. Similar to the relationship between Andrew and Mary, verbal or emotional abuse is not uncommon. According to recent reports, one in four women experience abuse, whether it be non physical, physical or sexual (US News, 2013). Although verbal abuse does not leave any visible scars, it fractures one’s self-worth, and whenever the partner attempts to confront the behavior of the abuser, their sanity is called into question. In the same article, the author suggests that although verbal abuse is common, its is deemed difficult to legally document behavior until it becomes a physical threat. The author again states that emotional abuse “…..erodes your self esteem. It is a pattern of put-downs and mind games that is meant to gain power over you and leaves you feeling fearful, like everything is your fault and, often, like you are losing your mind.” Even though research dictates what a verbally abusive relationship looks like, I felt it was imperative to find a link between how communication evolves from past verbally abusive relationships to current romantic relationships.
- 2. !2 The purpose of this phenomenological study was to understand the evolution of how individuals in past verbally abusive relationships communicate with their current romantic partner. This phenomenological research study will analyze previous literary research linking verbally abusive relationship to current romantic relationships, review qualitative research used to collect data, and analyze participant quotations about their experiences with verbal abuse and current romantic relationships. Literature Review A wealth of knowledge has been conducted regarding verbal aggressiveness between family members in childhood and their present romantic relationships (Aloia & Solomon, 2013; Busby, Walker, Holman, 2011; James & MacKinnon, 2010; Maneta, Cohen, Schulz & Waldenger, 2015; Ostrov, Collins, 2007; Seiffge & Burk, 2015; Weger, 2006). The following literature review will cover the following themes: (1) Childhood Trauma; (2) Attachment Theory; and (3) Verbal Aggressiveness in Romantic Relationships. Childhood Trauma Childhood trauma can affect future romantic relationships (Aloia & Solomon, 2013; Busby, Walker & Holman, 2011; Maneta, Cohen, Shultz & Waldinger, 2014). Childhood trauma exists when there is non-violent or violent aggression (emotional abuse) in one’s childhood. That trauma will most likely leave an impact on the individual, and that said individual will carry on that trauma to their adult romantic relationships (Aloia & Solomon, 2013; Busby, Walker & Holman, 2011). Aloia and Solomon’s (2013) study investigated motivational systems into which one’s familial history of verbal aggression can affect their future relationships. These said motivational
- 3. !3 systems, which can either positively or negatively affect one’s perception of themselves will determine their behavior in future romantic relationship. In Maneta, Cohen, Schultz and Waldinger’s (2015) study of the linkage between emotional childhood abuse and marital satisfaction, they state that childhood trauma can leave the individual feeling skeptical of their romantic partner’s intentions and perceptions of their romantic relationship. When a child is experiencing trauma, this leads them feeling vulnerable, and therefore this vulnerability will cause them to distrust their future romantic relationships and relational satisfaction. All of the aformentioned articles linked childhood trauma with feelings of instability in their future romantic relationships, which leads to martial dissatisfaction (Aloia & Solomon, 2013; Busby, Walker & Holman, 2011; Maneta, Cohen, Schultz & Waldinger, 2014). The next theme touches upon a child’s attachment to their parents that can affect their future relationships. Attachment Theory There is a lot of research based on the link between attachment theory and an individual’s future romantic relationship (Busby, Walker & Holman, 2011; Seiffge & Burk, 2015; Weger, 2006). Attachment theory helps to explain the attachment between a child and his or her family of origin (FOO), and how that may affect their future relationships, and the relationship between mother and child bonding (Busby, Walker & Holomon, 2011; Weger, 2006). Therefore, in childhood if a parent was emotionally distant or abusive, the individual will have the perception that all people are that way, which will impact their trust in future romantic relationships. Additionally, anxious attachment led to high argumentativeness and verbal aggressiveness, however, avoidant aggression does not (Weger, 2006). Anxious attachment refers to a “fear of
- 4. !4 rejections, whereas avoidant attachment is taking into account the costs and benefits of being close with someone” (p. 32). Attached anxiety is “positively associated with both contempt and domineering tactics” (Weger, 2006, p. 32). Securely attached individuals experience less argumentativeness, and are more comfortable depending on others. This will therefore impact their future romantic relationships because it will build trust and closeness with their romantic partner. People who are argumentative tend to withdraw more and isolate themselves from others. Adolescents who were in relationships tended to feel more jealousy toward their partner, and therefore brought verbal aggressive behavior into the relationship. Interestingly, in Seiffge- Krenke and Burk’s (2015) study on adolescent relationships, they observed that the participants experience more jealousy in their relationships, and that men reported more verbal aggression from their partner. This helps to explain that beginning attachment (in this case, anxiety attachment), would lead to feelings of insecurity and fear of abandonment. Although the purpose of this qualitative research paper is to delve into adult romantic relationships, it is helpful to note that adolescents experience increased levels of anxiety in their relationship. The researcher of this study reported this was the case because these adolescent relationships were most likely new, and could lead to break ups. Verbal Aggressiveness in Romantic Relationships Verbal aggressiveness in romantic relationships is most detrimental because it does not leave any scars, but leaves the partner feeling a loss of self-worth (Aloia & Solomon, 2013; Busby, Walker & Holman, 2011; James & MacKinnon, 2010; Maneta, Cohen, Schulz & Waldinger, 2014; Seiffge- Krenke, Burk, 2015; Weger, 2006). This theme is the most prevalent in
- 5. !5 the author’s research. According to James and MacKinnon (2010), there are three types of non physical abuse. The first type is verbal abuse, which perceived as degrading, insulting, humiliating, ridiculing or in some way diminishing the person’s dignity. The second type is emotional abuse, which consists of acts of commission or omission. Finally, the third type and most detrimental of them all, is psychological abuse, which encapsulates both verbal and emotional abuse, and works to erode or destroy the person’s sense of self (Aloia & Solomon, 2013). Aloia and Solomon (2013) also found individuals’ history of familial verbal aggression makes one more susceptible to perceive verbal aggression in romantic relationships. In other words, what one sees as a child will most likely determine their perceptions of their future relationships. In Weger’s (2006) study, a high level of abandonment is positively associated with verbal aggressiveness in romantic relationships. According to Weger (2006), verbal aggressiveness is to attack the person’s dignity, as opposed to the person’s position on a topic of communication. Although this literature covers all aspects of verbal aggressiveness in romantic relationships, attachment theory, and the link to childhood trauma, there were a few limitations in the aforementioned studies. For instance, it does not concern homosexual couples, nor the relationship between past verbally abusive relationships and their present romantic relationship. There was a lack of literature upon the differences of communication between past verbal abuse and present romantic relationships.Therefore, I would like to pose the following research question, “How do individuals in past verbally abusive relationships communicate with their present romantic partner?”
- 6. !6 This research would be valuable for people in verbally abusive relationships, psychoanalysts, divorce attorney’s, person’s involved in 12-step programs, or anyone else interested in the realm of the psychiatric field. Perhaps if someone knows a friend who may be experiencing verbal abuse, they can read this paper and encourage them or someone else to get help. Methods A qualitative approach was used in this study, because according to Denzin (2015), “We must create our own standards of evaluation, our own measures of quality, influence, excellence and social justice impact” (p. 12). Specifically, a phenomenological approach was used in order to gather data for evaluating the shared experiences around the evolution between past verbally abusive relationships to current romantic relationships. Therefore, an interpretive lens was used as a way to observe, interview and describe behaviors, and understand this phenomenon. Data Collection Participants. For the purpose of this study, six individuals were interviewed between the ages of 20-71. They all identified as having been in a verbally abusive relationship, and are currently in a romantic relationship. One of the participants was male, while five of the participants were female. Two of the participants are married, and four of the participants were students at the University of San Francisco. Procedures. Interviews were conducted in a narrative style in order to illicit examples from one’s common experience in order to gain insight into the research question. Two of the interviews
- 7. !7 were conducted over the telephone, and four interviews included a quiet, safe atmosphere in which the participant would feel comfortable and more willing to answer the necessary, yet sensitive questions. A semi-structured interview guide was used, which included questions such as, “How well did you know your partner that was verbally abusive?,” “ What forms of abuse took place?,” ”Ideally, what is your conception of an ideal romantic relationship in terms of communication?,” and “How do you and your current partner communicate love?” Interviews took in place either at the University of San Francisco or over the telephone, were recoded for accuracy and lasted 30-45 minutes. Informed consent procedures were followed. The interviews resulted in 48 pages of transcripts. Data Analysis Data were analyzed using summary, constant comparison (Glaser & Strauss, 1967), coding and thematic analysis. Significant statements were identified using insight, intuition, and impression (Dey, 1993), coded for meaning and grouped together into larger overarching themes. This resulted in four overarching themes: (1) Verbal Abuse as a Form Communication; (2) Insights After the Abuse; (3) Comparing Romantic Relationships; and (4) Current Romantic Relationship Maintenance. Analysis The participants were previously involved in a verbally abusive relationship, and are currently in a romantic relationship. They experienced verbal abuse as a form of communication, and were able to compare their relationships. They were all afforded with the insight into what makes a romantic relationship work, and more able to maintain the quality of a healthy romantic relationship.
- 8. !8 Verbal Abuse as a Form of Communication As painful as verbal abuse is, it is a form of communication. Often times, people who are on the outskirts of the relationship (i.e. friends and family), recognize the abuse and find it difficult to get their friend or family member to seek help and terminate the relationship. Verbal abuse and emotional abuse are hidden, and do not leave any scars. Some say it is the worst form of abuse because it is so subtle, and one does not realize the impact of words from their verbally abusive partner. When asked how one defines verbal abuse, one participant touched upon the subtlety of the impact it had on them: I think to some extent it goes alongside just like, taking someone else’s words, and after really reflecting on them, realizing like it does it make you feel good or does it not make you feel good? I struggled a lot with that for a very long time and ended up going to therapy for it. It obviously effects me today. From this quote, we can surmise the impact verbal abuse has on this individual. When a verbal abuser makes an underhanded comment, (one that days later one realizes was not appropriate or deteriorated one’s self esteem and self concept), their partner may feel it is too late to do or say anything. Whether one vicariously learns through parents or authority figures regarding the basis of a healthy relationship or their own, they realize that words can leave a lasting impression. After a comment, whether name calling or blaming for one’s problems is made, the partner of the verbal abuser may feel at fault; as if what they did made their partner mad. In turn, they decide to say nothing at all. Another participant described it as a way of control:
- 9. !9 Verbal abuse is when someone controls you and cuts you off from all the people, and tells you and makes you feel they are the only person in the world that you can rely on. The person makes you feel insignificant and unhappy, and never sympathizes with you and is continually saying things that belittle you. If you get really upset, they will occasionally say nice things. Then they will continue to belittle you and make you feel very unhappy. What was most interesting from this participant was their age. The range of ages of the participants ranged from 20 to 71. This particular participant had been previously married to a man that both belittled, and at times physically abused them. One of the many forms of verbal abuse is belittlement, which was one of the common themes that came up in the transcriptions of all six participants. This person also mentioned the fact that verbal abusers block out all the people that care about you, so that you rely more and more on them. However, when the verbal abuser has their partner at the point of complete dependency, they feel empowered to not sympathize, and make their partner feel unhappy. There are many examples of instances in which the participants described their own personal struggles in their previous relationship that was verbally abusive. Some said the form came with belittling, blame and yelling. One participant gave an example of how a nice gesture on their part enveloped into an unwarranted catastrophe: So I bought him pajamas and made him dinner, and when he opened up his present, he got so angry at me and yelled at me and told me how could I buy him something so pathetic. The he said he wasn’t going to tell anyone what I got him. He told me, “You ruined my birthday,” and threw the pajama pants across the floor and told me to “F- off.”
- 10. !10 Then he left and texted me the next day at work, and told me how much I ruined his birthday and not to come home. It was a huge disaster. Not only did this escalate, but it made this person fearful, which also became a commonality among the participants. This person also said it almost turned into physical abuse, “He tried to physically hit me one time, but I was able to get away.” Sometimes verbal abuse turned into physical abuse, which would have been a factor in terminating the relationship. Although this example was extreme, it is not uncommon. As sensitive as the interview question was in terms of asking what forms the verbal abuse took place, participants opened up and some explained they felt a sense of relief. In this instance, verbal abuse took the form of fear. This participant explained that they felt fearful, and this ruined their feelings of self-concept. Doing something nice for their partner turned into a situation in which they got blamed and ridiculed as if they had done something wrong. When in fact, it was the verbal abuser who had anger problems and took their problems out on their partner. This participant was not alone. Multiple participants described how doing something inane turned into an attack: “…then it would be about how I’m careless as a person, that I would be like that. Rather than like, I just knocked something off the table, which anyone could have done.” It was in this instance that this individual’s verbal abuser attacked their self worth over a single action. In a healthy, non verbally abusive romantic relationship, partners do not attack the other’s identity and name call because of a singular action, such as knocking something off the table. However, this participant was aware that they were being attacked. While verbally abused individuals feel belittled, they do not necessarily feel as if they are victims. In fact, they feel as if they are stuck in a situation, and have no basis to stand on when
- 11. !11 they confront their abuser’s behavior. In doing so, the abuser makes their partner feel as if the issues that develop between them are their fault, when in fact it is the verbally abusive individual’s problem. One participant described a situation in which their verbal abusers took their issues out on them: Just blame where is feels like the aggression coming at me was coming from whatever and I was just the focal point for negativity. It was like, “This has nothing to do with me and we’re in a fight.” You know what I mean? Often times, verbal abuse as a form of communication comes from the verbally abusive individual as a way to avoid their own issues of insecurity. Therefore, they place blame on their partner. While they may apologize, and things may seem calm for a while, the abuse starts all over again. All six participants’ that were interviewed described their experiences of verbal abuse as blaming, name calling, yelling, threats to themselves, and overall leaving them feeling unhappy. Thusly, this left them with feelings of uncertainty about themselves. Insights After the Abuse Once one leaves a verbally abusive relationship, they may gather insights about themselves after the relationship is terminated. These may take actions as the importance of self- care (exercising, eating well, taking hot baths, etc). It takes a while to examine the possibility of getting into another relationship. There are feelings of self-doubt, fear, and the unknown possibility this new relationship may also involve verbal or emotional abuse. Although no one can predict the future, eventually someone comes along that inspires hope in an individual who experienced verbal abuse. One participant realized how much they went through in their verbally
- 12. !12 abusive romantic relationship that led to their current romantic relationship. When asked what insights they gathered about themselves, they realized the fact they did not deserve the abuse: That I deserved a lot better. I’m worthy of whatever I want. I don’t mean to sound stuck up, but I chose to settle because I wanted to get married so badly. Then I realized I’d rather be single and happy than married and miserable. This example, like many others, emphasizes the importance of self-reflection after one goes through a traumatic event, such as being a victim of verbal abuse. Sometimes pressure to get married, as was with this case, can blind one’s ability to look for the red flags (the signs that triggers one’s conscious that something does not feel pleasant). Going into a marriage that already has problems that exist, but not yet realized, is a recipe for an unpleasant relationship. Like all participants, getting out of the verbally abusive relationship was both a sigh of relief, as well as a sign that they need to maintain a healthy lifestyle. One participant stressed the importance of self care: I didn’t really love myself, so after that relationship ended, I completely focused on myself, like physically, mentally, emotionally, everything. That’s something I learned that I have to keep doing. It’s not that you do it and it’s done for life. You have to keep doing it, keep working on yourself; nurturing yourself is a good adjective. The description then, I think what I learned, yeah I think it’s you don’t have to accept, you know? This participant explained the importance of maintaining a healthy lifestyle and attitude after a break up with a verbally abusive partner. It is especially poignant that this individual realized immediately the need to heal and how much they needed to take care of themselves. One does not realize the impact the verbal abuse has until they are removed from it. This person gave
- 13. !13 a great example of what it takes to heal oneself from an abusive situation. When a verbal abuser constantly puts one down, and belittles one’s self-concept, it is easy to forget about one’s sense of self. The abuser then takes that power and distorts it, thereby rendering one to not appreciate themselves. It is certain that any mental health professional would have the same insights as this particular individual. Another participant also realized that it is not just important to be careful when getting married, but to be by themselves for a while until they meet the person they were destined to be with: …..but it was over um I, um realized a lot you know, you have to you have to be very careful when you get married. I was 25. I should have been older and thank goodness we didn't have any children. He was just very immature and, uh I just thought, well, I got out of that without having any children. I’m just going to, I’m trying, I was in my 30’s, I think I was 35, 30. Then I went on and had fun just being by myself and then I ran into daddy. This person both had the experience of being young and married to their abuser, but stressed the importance of the fact they did not have any children. As with the previous participant who stressed self care, finding one’s place in the world can also have calming effects, as they have time to reflect and regain composure of figuring out who they are. It was not until this individual was having fun being by themselves, and having the knowledge of what types of people to stay away from, that they met the person they were destined to be with. When any relationship ends, whether positive or negative, it is a sense of loss. All the participants experienced verbal abuse. Some gained the insight into what to avoid when meeting future partners, while some realized how much work they needed to do to get healthy. “So yeah,
- 14. !14 I think that’s my basis now. I always expect to be attacked, so that’s why I revert and decide to leave it alone.” This attitude can be detrimental in this individual’s current relationship. Instead of facing a problem or issue head on, this individual seeks to avoid the situation altogether. However, ending a verbally abusive situation can leave scars and lasting effects that can sometimes take a period to time to heal. Therefore, it is imperative that one takes the steps to self-reflect, maintain self-care, and spend time being alone and finding themselves. As stated in the previous paragraph, sometimes it takes more time for others. However, having insight after a traumatic experience can be both healing and revealing into one’s sense of self. It is important to realize what one’s boundaries and expectations are when it comes to forming another romantic relationship. It is at this time, they can compare both the verbally abusive relationship to their current relationship. Comparing Romantic Relationships After one has gained insight into their psyche regarding their experience with a verbal abuser, they can reflect and realize what to be aware of when it comes to having another romantic partner. When asked about comparing past verbally abusive relationships to their current relationship, all participants said it was like “night and day.” One person in particular painted an ideal situation that differed from their previous relationship: He constantly provides with me emotional support, constantly validates me. He compliments me, he makes me feel good about myself. Lets me know how pretty I am, how talented I am. If I cook him dinner, he’s really appreciative; even if he doesn’t like it, he says thank you. He goes out of his way to be super thoughtful.
- 15. !15 This is the same individual who mentioned how their ex- husband did not show appreciation for a nice home cooked meal and pajama pants for his birthday. When one is finding themselves, they sometimes reflect on what they are looking for in a romantic partner. Support and validation are common themes that occur when determining what qualities are ideal in a partner. While this person’s ex-husband was unappreciative, their current partner appreciates the effort they put into performing a nice gesture. It was the small, yet significant acts that shed light into how both relationships were vastly different. With having felt unappreciated, this participant was able to find a partner that appreciated their small acts of kindness. While their previous relationship ended in, “So I bought him pajamas and made him dinner, and when he opened up his present, he got so angry at me and yelled at me and told me, how could I buy him something so pathetic.” Therefore, there is a huge difference in this participant’s relationships. They explained they were happy, and that their partner was happy. Another participant stressed the importance of communication in their relationship: He let me make that choice by myself. My ex hovered. He would not take no for an answer and he would get what he wants. So I think thats how it changed. We were very clear from the start. He doesn’t have the same views as women. I think he places more value in women. This participant’s current romantic partner was aware of the abuse, but yet gave them choices into what made them authentic, which was something their verbal abuser did not do. When describing their verbal abuser, they said, “He treated me like an object.” What was also interesting was the fact that both the individual’s verbally abusive partner was from an entirely different culture than their current partner. The fact that, as opposed to feeling like an object,
- 16. !16 their current partner and them were clear from the start. The amount of respect was vastly different from each relationship, which helped to instill hope for this participant. Not only was their current partner relationship respectful, but also gave them the freedom to be who they are. In certain parts of the world, there is a lot of domestic abuse directed toward women. In this specific case, sometimes the verbal abuse would escalate into physical abuse. “I do remember one time when it was not just verbally, but physically abusive, and my cousin saw it.” Not only were words used to undermine some of the participant’s self-concept, but physical abuse was present as well. One participant explained how, “He tried to hit me, but I got away.” This was a common theme that would come up when asking for examples regarding the way the verbal abuse took form with participants in the present study. By also having an open communication platform, participants stated that, “Communication is key.” It was also significant that after going through the verbally abusive relationship and having such experiences, that the participants knew what to look for when choosing a new romantic partner: It was very easy for me to pinpoint places that were going to be red flags eventually with my other relationships. Only when I got into my current relationship, was I like, none of these red flags are here. So then I was like, what can we do to make the relationship really good. The supposed “red flags” were insights into which this individual gathered and knew what to say away from. In this participants previous relationship, “….with Catherine, my personality bounced off her aggressive style, and with my current wife, it isn't like that. It’s my personality bouncing off her very communicative style.” It is obvious that in the interaction with this individual’s current spouse, that their personality traits are more aligned than was the case
- 17. !17 with their previous relationship. The supposed “red flags,” which indicated whether something felt authentic, was based off this person’s previous relationship that was verbally abusive. After having gone through those experiences in the past, this person was able to have a bearing on what was acceptable or unacceptable in a romantic relationship. After having gone through a rough experience, was this person able to find someone they fell in love with, and with whom their personalities matched. It is important to understand what it was in the verbally abusive relationship that did not work. It is with this insight that one can construct an ideal romantic partner. Once one can identify which characteristics are ideal to them, they become stronger and more able to stand up for themselves. Oftentimes when one compares a situation, it makes sense that they can identify markers that reminded them of the past verbal abuse. As to not repeat the past, they find ways of communicating with their partner, and thus maintaining a loving, healthy relationship. The commonality among all six participants was that they realized the differences in conflict styles, showing appreciation, respect and most importantly, finding a sense of renewal in their current romantic relationship. Current Romantic Relationship Maintenance The good news is that the verbally abusive relationship is over, and now a new romantic relationship has blossomed. After gaining insight into why or how the relationship ended, the participants were ready and able to start over. However, just because one relationship was entirely negative and the new relationship is a breath of fresh air, does not mean that there will not be any conflict. As one participant stated, “No relationship is perfect,” meaning that relationships take work.
- 18. !18 As aforementioned, communication appears to be the platform of all romantic relationships. If one is not able to communicate with their partner successfully, problems may arise between them. However, when conflicts do become present, the participants explained that they talk about it rather than avoiding it. As opposed to not mentioning the supposed “pink elephant” in the room, it was imperative the participants dealt with their problems instead of letting them fester: But communication wise; we talk it out. We figure it out. We’re both like, well I guess I’m kind of analytical. I’m kind of like, this is this seems to be the problem that we need to solve, but I try to always go into it like, what is the problem? Let’s identify it and let’s attack it together. Usually it’s a misunderstanding or miscommunication or at least something we can understand each other. Like, I just forgot we talked about that I was not thinking about how we weren't going to see each other for three days….. it’s just we need to know that that’s true and compromise. Not only is it important for this individual to identify the problem with their spouse, but in doing so, they both can come to a compromise. It was apparent that with this individual, and others, that compromise was an agent to maintaining their relationships. Not only does understanding each other’s communicative patterns and habits aide in establishing healthy ways of communicating, but it solidifies the relationship. While one partner may be very analytical, the other is in sync with their feelings. When there is a problem, they identify it, solve it and most importantly, learn from it. Nothing is worse than keeping relationship issues hidden. They can manifest themselves in ways that are detrimental to the relationship. By avoiding problems, it pushes back the trust and bond that may be building. Therefore, in finding commonality and a
- 19. !19 baseline to positively solve problems, the relationship stays healthy and communication is out in the open. Not only is understanding each other’s communication style important, but so is showing affection: We both know what needs need to be met, what our love languages are and we work everyday to feed into what our love languages that we care about the most. His is quality time. I make it a point to spend as much time with him as possible. He also likes personal touch, so I’m somewhat PDA with him because that’s what he likes. He meets my love languages also, so it works. By keeping each other informed as to how they want to feel loved, the relationship is also maintained through affection, spending time together and telling each other how much they love one another. In a relationship, it is important to remind each other of how much one cares and loves another. When asked about “love languages,” the participant explained, “well, there are five love languages. It’s basically what makes you tick.” This sentiment prove that acts of love and admiration can have an impact on communication between two people. Therefore, it can manifest into a whole other playing field. Not only is understanding what makes each other happy make for a positive relationship, but maintaining that level at all times is essential. In strengthening a relationship, it is also important to tell one’s current partner what works for them in terms of what reminds them other verbal abuser: I told him, “I don’t know how to react when you do stuff like that because it reminds me of my ex boyfriend, and I don’t want it to be like that and I don’t want this relationship. I don’t like it when you are loud, swearing, it makes me sacred and makes me nervous.” He felt so bad because he didn’t want to do that. He didn’t want that for me. That’s
- 20. !20 another thing how communication is key, so he doesn’t know. Unless you tell him. He has to tell me as well if he gets reminded of his ex, you know? Being honest with one’s current romantic partner about what bothers them is also important in maintaining a healthy, long lasting relationship. As painful as it is to bring up the past, it can be an active way to inform the current partner about what is acceptable and what is not acceptable. In this particular case, the participant was able to express how anger can be a trigger for them, and reminds them of their previous partner that was verbally abusive. Not only is it important for the other partner know what triggers the other, but is also critical for them to tell the other as well. As most individuals do not have a crystal ball into one another’s psyche, it is imperative they know what bothers them so they may be able to rectify the situation before it gets worse. It is obvious that in this specific circumstance, the participant does not wish to have a repeat of the verbally abusive tendencies in their current romantic relationship. By having a baseline and a safe, open forum to discuss such issues, the couple can now move forward. By halting a problem in it’s tracks, showing love and affection and what is not appropriate in a romantic relationship can both maintain and improve the current romantic relationships the six participants have. It is a sigh of relief when one realizes that dark days are over. However, until there is open and honest communication and compromise in a relationship, it will not stand. Any relationship is like a plant that you have to keep watering. It takes time for trust to grow as well as having a compromised communication style that works for both involved. There have been four themes throughout this study. First, verbal abuse was defined as a way to pinpoint it, define it and thus look for signs so one may be better prepared to handle
- 21. !21 situations that my arise. It is at this time insights may manifest into ways that will enable one to find someone else, or prefer to spend time alone. Once insights have been gathered, comparing relationships instills feelings or actions that may help to maintain the relationship. One can say, “in hindsight, I should have done….” Therefore, once one gathers information regarding their current romantic relationship, they are readily able to maintain their relationships. Discussion Implications Since this study dealt with verbal abuse in romantic relationships, all participants had previously been in a verbally abusive relationship and are currently in a romantic relationship. As there was not enough research that delved into the evolution of communication between the verbal abuse and current romantic partner, I found it crucial to conduct this study in a non- threatening environment. The responses were significantly helpful in determining who would best benefit from the research. When society thinks of abusive relationships, the idea of a male comes to mind. However, not all women were victims of verbal abuse. Sometimes the verbal abuse did evolve into physical abuse, but the specifics of this study was to understand verbal and emotional abuse, and how it impacts one’s current romantic relationship As there was not enough research of verbal abuse specifically, my research would be helpful for anyone getting out of a verbally abusive relationship, or after having gone through one. There is always confidence in numbers. The more people speak out and share their experiences will thus elicit hope that there is a light at the end of the dark tunnel. Hopefully, this research can be used in accordance with psychotherapy sessions, women’s and men’s domestic abuse support groups, and hopefully part of a psychology class curriculum.
- 22. !22 Limitations Although this research project was assigned throughout an entire semester, there were some definite limitations. Finding participants who were willing to open up about their experiences were difficult to recruit. As opposed to any other study, this specific study dealt with sensitive subject matter that deemed to be too difficult to speak about. Fortunately, all the participants did not want to opt out of their answers, but it was challenging to get some participants to delve deeper as they were being probed. Some individuals had just recently terminated the verbally abusive relationship, so some questions seemed to have been glossed over. As I am from the East coast, and most of my friends and family reside there, it deemed difficult to find four participants that lived locally in which to interview them in person. Perhaps proper time management could have eased some of the difficulties into finding participants. In exploring a more diverse crowd, a homosexual was scheduled to be interviewed, but decided not to be included. Therefore, a much less diverse group of participants was available. Along with interviewing participants in person, phone interview recordings were difficult to comprehend with background noises, and finding that the participant was distracted. In establishing non-verbal communication, it is easier to read the subtitles between the lines of verbal communication. The phone interviews added an extra layer of uncertainty because without reading the participant’s facial expressions and body language, some of the contextualization was lost. Future Research Future Research should delve into the four aforementioned themes. There should be more focus group interviews that encompass people of different sexual orientations, cultures, class and
- 23. !23 geographic demographics. As the participants were average college aged, white and from high socio-economic statuses, exploring underrepresented populations may gather more insight into what is defined as verbal abuse and gain strategies to get out of the relationship. The furthering research could manifest into a self-help book or seminar that helps victims get out of their verbally abusive relationship with the support of mental health professionals. Conclusion In the process of exploring the evolution of communication from past verbally abusive relationships to current romantic relationships, insight; comparing both relationships; maintaining the romantic relationship; and, having verbal abuse defined, aided in solidifying what makes a healthy romantic relationship work. It is these themes that help to define the process in which the verbally abusive partner was able to manipulate each participant into believing their abuser’s behavior was warranted. The purpose of this phenomenological study was to understand the evolution of communication between a verbally abusive relationship to a current romantic relationship. In doing research and interviewing participants, the common characteristics in defining what makes a relationship maintain itself is an open forum of communication, showing love and affection, and being willing and honest with the current romantic partner of what is unacceptable in the relationship. In having gone through a verbally abusive relationship, the participants were better prepared of knowing what type of relationship worked for them. It was in these instances that both the participant and their current romantic partner were on the same wavelength. As having gone through my fair share of verbally abusive relationships, I sought to discover others like me who had not just gone through the same experiences I did, but were able
- 24. !24 to find someone who treated them with respect. This study was intended for women or men who had gone through a verbally abusive relationship but could not find a way out. As I am in the process of divorce proceedings, I found my research helpful. I was hoping that in healing myself, I could heal others. This ideal picture is what every little girl dreams of; finding the perfect, most handsome man (or woman) who treats them like “like a princess.” As evidenced by the present study, no such man (or woman) exists. However, by keeping communication open and incorporating compromise, it can make for a lasting, loving, and healthy romantic relationship.
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