Living and Coping with Grief and Loss
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Grief is a natural response to loss that encompasses a wide range of emotions and varies for each individual based on factors such as circumstances, age, and culture. The healing journey involves acknowledging feelings, seeking support, and engaging in meaningful rituals to honor the deceased. Additionally, complications like prolonged grief and mental health issues may arise, requiring self-compassion and mindfulness in the healing process.
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Living and Coping with Grief and Loss
- 1. Living and Coping with Grief and Loss Margaret S Clarke LPC,BC-DMT, ACT Behavioral Health and Cognitive Therapy Center Mandi Zucker, MSW Imagine, A Center for Coping with Loss
- 2. What Is Grief ? • Grief is a natural and normal reaction to loss. • Grief is the emotional response to loss. • We need to go through grief in order to heal.
- 3. Language of Grief • Bereavement is the specific situation of a person who has suffered the loss • Mourning is the social and behavioral expression of the grief
- 4. Grief can follow many types of loss • Death of someone we love • Miscarriage / elective abortion • Learning you or someone you care about has a chronic and serious illness • Becoming disabled
- 5. • Death of a pet • Loss of a home • Loss of a career, employment • Divorce • Loss of relationships due to familial conflicts Grief can follow many types of loss (cont)
- 6. Grief brings on a wide range of emotions • Sadness • Anger • Shock • Numbness
- 7. The task of grief is healing • To find healthy ways to deal with our pain • Remember that everyone grieves in their own way
- 8. How We Grieve • Depends on a variety of factors Circumstances of the loss Gender Age and life experiences Culture and Faith
- 9. Choice of Rituals • How one honors someone who has died • How to manage the dying process • How to care for the body • How to care for those who are left behind
- 10. Types of grief • Traumatic Loss • Complicated grief • Prolonged grief
- 11. Traumatic Loss • When death is sudden or violent Loss of a child Suicide Accidental overdose Accidental death or dismemberment
- 12. Element of Fear No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. Not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid. Same fluttering in the stomach. Same restlessness, the yawning. I would keep on swallowing. CS Lewis “A Grief Observed”
- 13. Thoughts & Feelings • Self blame • Thoughts that others blame you especially in the case of a suicide or accidental death • Imagining vivid picture images of your loved one’s last moments
- 14. • In case of homicide or accident wanting wishing the perpetrator to suffer to be punished • Ruminating thoughts or questions why did the death happen • Disbelief Thoughts & Feelings
- 15. • Bitterness • Anger at law enforcement, the courts, the media and how they handle the death Thoughts & Feelings
- 16. Survivors Guilt • What could have been done differently • Actions taken or not taken at the time of the death • Thoughts of one’s own death
- 17. Complicated Grief • Mental health issues /diagnosis Major depression Post traumatic stress disorder Panic disorder Generalized anxiety Substance abuse / dependence
- 18. Prolonged Grief • Difficulty adjusting to the loss • Confusion about one’s role in life • Feeling or thinking you have lost a part of yourself • Avoiding reminders of the loss • Inability/struggle to trust others
- 19. • Difficulty moving on • Numbness, absence of emotions • Feeling or thinking life is unfulfilling • Feeling stunned, dazed, shocked • Separation Anxiety Prolonged Grief
- 20. The Journey of Healing • Let yourself grieve • Practice Self Compassion • Allow any thoughts and feelings to come forth • Try to express your thoughts and feelings
- 21. There are 2 wings of mindfulness. One wing is to pause and name what’s going on and the second wing is to be non judgmental and present to whatever you have named. The first wing is to be aware and the second is to meet what you are aware of, what you have named with heartfulness, tenderness and compassion. Tara Brach
- 22. • Reach out to people you trust • Look for people who accept your feelings and thoughts • Try simply telling people what you need • Acknowledging your reactions and giving them expression is important to the healing process
- 23. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy • Action • Beliefs • Consequences • Defense
- 24. Rituals can help • Think about your loved ones wishes • Take an active part in planning the funeral or other ceremonies • Help accept the death the loss
- 25. “We find a place for what we lose. Although we know that after such a loss the acute stage of mourning will subside, we also know that we shall remain inconsolable and will never find a substitute. No matter what may fill the gap even if it be filled completely, it nevertheless remains something else.” E. L Freund
- 26. • Helps to remember memories about your loss is an important part of healing • Can bring mourners together • Can bring peace and a sense of order Memories
- 27. The present moment is filled with joy and happiness. If you are attentive you will see it.” Thich Nhat Hanh
- 28. Resources • Bearing the unbearable Love, Loss and the Heartbreaking Path of Grief Joanne Cacciatore , PhD • Living life after losing a child beyond tears Ellen Mitchell • Loving Someone Who Has Dementia Pauline Boss, PHD • Widow to Widow thoughtful Practical ideas to rebuilding your life Genevieve Davis Ginsburg M.S.
- 29. Additional Resources • Living a Healthy Life with Chronic Conditions Kate Lorig, Dr.PH Halsted Holman MD et al • In this moment Five steps to transcending stress using mindfulness and Neuroscience Kirk D. Strosahl, PHD Patricia J. Robinson ,PHD • A Delicate Balance Living Successfully with a Chronic Illness Susan Milstrey Wells
- 30. Other steps on the journey • Put any regrets in perspective • Try to put off major decisions • Keep memories alive
- 31. • Think about continuing a project your loved one started • Look to your faith • Consider attending a support group • Think about helping others Other steps on the journey
- 32. Allow yourself to move on
- 33. Grief never ends, but it changes. It’s a passage, not a place to stay. Grief is not a sign of weakness, nor a lack of faith. It is the price of love. Author unknown
- 34. Questions
Editor's Notes
- #4: We experience bereavement and mourning because we become attached as part of our neurobiological makeup. We have a universal need for meaning to find a way to narrate our grief to tell our stories about our loss.
- #5: We all will at some time in our lives lose someone we love. Some women/ couples have experienced multiple miscarriages. Some women have had to choose to have an abortion for various reasons and will grieve. A person can lose their limbs, eye sight, ability to function due to all types of medical conditions. Or have a family member inflicted and grieve the loss of their family member's personality and functioning due to Alzheimer's, ALS, MS, Cancer etc. Can be Real a recognizable specific event Imagined assumption re having a disabled child , fantasying about the future a hoped for reward that may not come, Anticipatory looking ahead predicting expecting a loos, terminal illness divorced, someone missing ie the recent Naval vessel that got damaged sailors lost
- #6: We come to cherish our pets, they often represent unconditional love and acceptance. They may be the longest relationship we have experienced with minimal disruption. Our home can represent stability and memories of accomplishments. We dream of being successful in career and when that is taken away due to retirement , changes in the workplace etc. it can be devastating for some individuals. Divorce loss of connection to in-laws , loss of community. Families are complicated and sometimes relationships are ended and cut off due to conflicts that aren't resolved.
- #7: Yearning for and searching for answers disorganization and despair difficulty making sense of the emotions and coping with daily tasks. In the past discussions have focused on specific feelings who have a specific function denial, function is to serve to numb us to the feelings of loss as to not be too overwhelmed, anger function is the self defense emotion, demanding the world be predictable when it isn't, Guilt explores if we are at fault and our we effective ..about appraising our competence, anxiety reminds us of our inability to control events, Depression causes us to withdraw from outside stimulation to turn inward and reflect fear is an alarm system and warns survivors of major changes in our assumptions regarding ourselves and relationship others
- #8: There are multiple ways to process grief
- #9: Can be intense complicated protracted due to if the loss is someone close to us, spouse, child ,parent, life partner. Or sudden, violent or due to suicide (will discuss further due to how serious a violent and sudden loss can impact all of us). Males and females may be socialized differently and taught different ways to handle grief. Stress and their emotions. Age, and life experiences can affect ones understanding of death and sense of self and Influences your beliefs about death and your response
- #10: Memorials, scholarships , Hospice, hospitals medications pain management burials within 24 hours, memorial service versus a funeral , bringing meals to the family of the deceased , sitting Shiva, having a wake , versus a service that is typical of a religious practice, story telling ,versus eulogies etc. social media etc., Facebook now plays a prominent role in loss and tragedies of all sorts and can be difficult if one is social (caretaking of others) or tends to be isolating (not being social and also not being cared for by others
- #12: Strong reactions are common and normal . Preoccupations with thoughts of the worthlessness. Depressed mood slowing down of movements, difficulty functioning and completing daily tasks. Possible sometimes experiencing hallucinatory images or thoughts believing that once he has the image hears the voice the deceased
- #13: What if’s? Fear about losing another fear that you won’t recover fear if you do recover . Catastrophic thinking anxiety about not being able to cope with what lies ahead
- #14: Thoughts that you are responsible caused the death the suicide, that other’s and you believe that you failed your loved one somehow . Imaging their last moments vividly , their suffering
- #15: Acceptable thoughts to have not acceptable to act on. Going over the details and trying to figure out what you could have done to intervene . Thoughts they are not truly gone they will walk in the door or pick up their cell phone of send you a text, it’s a mistake it didn't really happen
- #16: Why haven't they punished the perpetrator, why is it taking so long to go to trial , why isn’t there a trial, etc. The media got the story wrong , why wasn’t my family member my love done protected. How unfair the circumstances are and the outcomes.
- #17: Why didn’t I know, stop them, been there, been more careful, Why didn't I know, why didn’t “god” etc take me in stead. Maybe I would be better of dead with the deceased person.. How can I go on ? This is common for most deaths. Why did they have to die and not me…
- #18: Loss of motivation loss of appetite depressed mood lasting for a prolonged period difficulty functioning Episodes of thinking one will pass out, heart racing, difficulty breathing . Worrying about little thing's and big things overestimating dangers and underestimating ones ability to cope. Increasing use of alcohol or other drugs self medicating if last longer than 2 months or more or if you become worried get help
- #20: Making new friends socializing with old friends isolating pursuing interests. Life is empty meaningless anxiety about forgetting the person’s voice smell touch questioning how one will live with out the person and cope
- #21: In a way that feels natural to you . Allow yourself to take more or less time and work through your pain If you notice you are grieving differently than others allow that to be okay . Mindfulness compassion acceptance of your thoughts feelings and sensations let go of judgment and negative self talk, again and again speak to yourself as if you were talking to a friend, a loved one a child . Journaling art music writing engaging in physical activity even dance yoga exercise running hiking crying
- #23: Time to lean on friends and loved ones . People don’t always know what to say or do .Make a list of people with whom you can share your thoughts and feelings.
- #24: Explore your thoughts, identify feelings triggered and behaviors engaged in Explore a more balanced perspective to help one cope, create coping statements coping and self soothing skills to help one move forward through the grief process
- #25: People gather photos create videos tell stories
- #28: My family we tend to find joy and laughter amiss our tears of sadness, I also find in groups and individual sessions often there will be laughter and in a memory or some thought
- #31: …Explore by evaluating your thoughts and feelings finding another perspective Changing jobs, retiring , moving etc. making any significant life changes maybe something's you want to take time to decide and not rush into .. As stste searleir Journaling art..all ow your self to tell stories about
- #32: SMG Behavioral health Cognitive Therapy Center staff in Integrated Behavioral health will be providing monthly Grief and Loss Support Groups for the loss of a loved one beginning Although the group will be free, we will still need sign up in advance . All group meetings will be held in the IBH office at Berkeley Heights Diamond Hill office initially , starting 3rd Tuesday of the month from 5 – 6 pm. Facilitators may need to swap here or there due to unforeseen circumstances but the dates will remain. The group schedule will be as follows: 9/19 10/17 11/21 12/19 There are other support groups at other locals as well Imagine offers their programming and I know many faith base organizations offer a variety of support groups and community and other mental health organizations and individual providers.