Matters of the Heart/Relating and Loving

Matters of the Heart/Relating and Loving

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  Matters of theHeart As I was saying in my Rainbow Drops Audio, I saw this news report that was talking about how December 11th was the day when most people break up just before Christmas and I was astounded. That's quite disturbing and I bet it has a lot to do with the pressure of gifts and parties and family and vacations and Christmas trees and church and money. That's a lot of pressure but I don't think couples or people dating should see it that way. If you are not in a committed relationship with someone you probably should just chill with all of that stuff and leave it to usual family and friends stuff because people dating get nervous, especially guys because I know you guys feel pressure to spend a lot of money on your lady, and if it's not enough, or if she doesn't feel appreciated, or if you don't move things forward fast enough she might check out and leave you cold and alone and that sucks. It's kind of easy for the ladies though and I am speaking from dating experience and what I have been through around this time of year with matters of the heart. Guys are easy when it comes to gifts because they don't fuss over pretty shoes, and expensive purses, or gift baskets with just the right spa stuff in it. So I have no problem shopping for guys for Christmas if I am in a relationship. If I'm just dating someone, a Christmas card is perfectly fine with some candy to let him know I am thinking of him and want to keep seeing him. Ladies, you don't need to put pressure on a guy at Christmas time because you may not see him in the new year and then it was all for nothing. So, I say couples just chill and think of the little children in your life and your close family members and then do something sweet for the two of you that is not expensive, so you don't feel so pressured to show off and end up breaking up because it's just too much to deal with. I bet those couples who break up just before Christmas probably wish they hadn't when February rolls around. You know why. LOL. Anyway, we have to remember the reason for the season, which is the birth of Jesus Christ, our Saviour and if you don't celebrate Christmas ask yourself why not. I think it doesn't have to be religious, you can enjoy the season of joy and lights and Christmas trees and parties and decorations without breaking the bank and worshipping Christ at church. I say just have fun with it. Try not to stress so much and if this happens every year then plan ahead next year so you don't have to hustle and bustle amongst the silver bells. Waiting until the last minute can make you have a panic attack and then you become a scrooge or grinch and nothing gets done. So, prepare for the season in advance, have a Christmas budget or savings account and start it in January so you won't have to wonder if you have enough money for gifts in November. Think about how beautiful it will look wherever you go and be like a kid, excited to see Christmas light decorations and different types of Christmas trees, smiling at the cars that pass by with wreaths on their grill or Rudolph's red nose on their grill or reindeer antlers on each side of the car stuck to the windows. Think about all of the Toys for Tots boxes sitting in businesses like grocery stores, UPS stores, the Post Office, the library, hospitals, and other places that have Toys for Tots boxes where you can buy an unwrapped toy and just drop it in for a child that may not get a present if it wasn't for your toy in that box. Try to get over yourself and the pain of not having the people that you love nearby. I want to see my dad in North Carolina this Christmas, but I probably won't be able to travel to see him until next year and I worry about him because he is getting older, and he has his own business, so he is a busy body and I want him to be around healthy and strong. But I can't let the disappointment of not seeing him this year cause me not to want to celebrate Christmas or the fact that my grandmother is deceased resting in heaven right
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  now and Ican't call her and wish her a Merry Christmas or Happy Birthday on January 2nd. I still have to find joy in the season because the pain is there but so is the joy. So, find something to be joyful about and go buy some random stranger a Christmas cookie, hand a homeless person a Christmas card, buy the person behind you at Starbucks a Christmas beverage, make something by hand for your sister or brother, friend or co-worker or boss. Gather a group of people, pick a neighborhood and go door to door singing Christmas carols to brighten their holiday and allow the spirit of the season to bless you with a giving heart. When you do these things deliberately out of the kindness and goodness of your heart just because, you bless others, and it makes you a better person. So, back to matters of the heart for couples and those of you just starting out dating at this time of year. Here are some things I want you to remember so you can make the ebb and flow of love easier on your heart and pocketbook and you can remember that you are not the only one feeling the pressures of the season. So read this list and think about how you can make things better for the one you are with or the one you want to get closer to, so they are less pressured, and full of joy with your calm, gentle, modest expressions of Christmas love: Remember.... Communication - is the most important part of any relationship. If you mess this up do what you can to make it better. Men and women do not communicate the same way and what we think we heard may not be what the other said. So that means listening is huge when we communicate. Watch what you say in text messages, in emails and even on the phone because it all can get misconstrued and then misunderstandings turn into arguments and cuss out sessions that never should have happened over something someone said mindlessly that maybe should not have been said. Words hurt so we need to choose them carefully especially if we are bold and chatty and not afraid to express what we feel. Re- read what you write and think about what you really want to say or what you want to convey before you say it, so you know the person understood you. Take time to ask if your message was received so you feel better about the transmission of words across cyber connections and when you are in person talk out whatever you felt wasn't said properly or what needs to be said with eye contact. Listen and listen well and if you have something to say don't wait too long or you will regret not saying what you needed to say. Find a way. Selfishness/Selflessness - we all have our way of being selfish with our lives, our stuff, our money, our time, and even our affection but when it comes to matters of the heart it is very important to be mindful of this. Selfishness is really an immature person who thinks of himself or herself more than others and that's fine when you want to care for yourself and tend to your needs but if you have someone else in your life, someone you chose to give your heart to and share your life and time with, you need to make sure that selfishness starts to look selfless and your significant other is aware that you are important to
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  them. Selfish peoplewill spend a lot of time thinking of how things suit them, what works for them, how this or that serves them, how does this affect them, what can they get out of that and that means they may never or hardly ever think of you at all. If you have a need that your sweetheart can meet and you ask for help and they seem distant or indifferent to your needs, then you might want to have a chat about feeling uncared for. Selflessness says, "I can put my needs aside for a moment to make sure you are taken care of, and you have what you need". When you feel like your sweetie is doing this for you more than ignoring your needs then you have found someone worth waiting for and getting closer to. Some people like me have lived the single life for so long that it's easy to think of themselves first. I have a lot of love to give to others but I can be selfish too because I am used to living alone and being responsible for myself. I don't have any kids, so my life is pretty open and free so it's easy for me to think of me first. However, I would like to be a wife one day and a mother so that means I need to be mindful that single independent Cicely has to get over herself sometimes and think of her sweetie's needs or her kids when they come along. So, living like I do is not easy to break away from unless your mentality is you want to care for others and then you say start doing things in your life that are selfless like volunteering, offering to help a friend or family member with errands or babysitting, or cooking for your tired mother or father. Do selfless things now so when you do find that special someone, you won't be complaining about missing your gaming night on occasion. Selflessness says, "It's ok that I don't do my spa night tonight because my man is not feeling well and I'm going to take care of him" or "I'm fine with letting go of my usual mini vacation next weekend so I can help my girlfriend move her stuff out of her mom's house into a new apartment". It takes practice and mindfulness and once you get in the habit of letting some things go that you used to do for yourself so you can cater to the one you love, it will be sweeter for both of you and easy to keep going. So do your best to care for the one you want to hold on to and that means making sacrifices, surrendering to love and what your heart tells you to do and letting go of old behaviors that could push that person away. Start today. Race Relations - as we know there are a ton of interracial relationships in the world and I think it's beautiful when two people can ignore their skin color and find love no matter what people in their lives are saying about it or how it is perceived or shunned by the masses of idiots who don't understand that love knows no color. If you are involved in an interracial relationship, take it seriously but be chill about it so the other person doesn't feel scrutinized or watched because they don't look like you. Let your actions come from your heart and not the need to show people you are "brave" to be with this person. Remember the goal is to love and to get closer and find your path to this person's heart so you can enjoy the journey getting there. Don't allow naysayers or jealous friends and family to keep you from getting close to someone you have affections for. Let's also respect the differences we see in someone who doesn't have the same skin color as we do. We come from different worlds, but we still live on the same planet and that means we probably want the same things. Allow the differences to make the relationship even sweeter by learning about someone who seems different from you, getting to know their culture, their lingo, their way of living and seeing how it fits into yours. Make that an adventure so you appreciate each other, and you see the beauty of who they are as a person and try to understand the negatives of their racial plight and we all have negatives. God wants us to get along and just love no matter what we see with our eyes or think we know with our brains. Just love, and let love guide our handshakes, our hugs, our love making, our kisses, and when we walk holding hands down the street
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  where people arestaring at our colorful union. Be chill with it and let it ebb and flow. Learn about me so I can learn about you. Spirituality/Religion - I really hate to put those two words together because they don't mean the same thing but, unfortunately, our society pits them together all the time and we get confused about both of them. So, I allow me to address each one in matters of the heart. At times we may encounter a very special person that does not share our beliefs or may have so much trauma from the past that they blame God for everything. You also may encounter someone who grew up without a religion to lean on and does not have much of a spiritual practice background and that means you may be able to show them the ropes if they are willing. God works in mysterious ways, and I believe he watches us to see how we respond to the strange connections we make with the most unlikely person. What are we here to teach this person and what are they here to teach us? This should always be our mindset when we make connections with people who live differently than we do. So, take time to share your religion or spirituality with the person you are involved with so they can see why you believe what you believe. You don't have to force or put pressure on them to conform to what you believe. Just show them why you feel what you feel and then allow them to take it in and decide for themselves if this is something they want to build their lives on with you. Then find out what they believe in and see how that relates to how you live, your values and morals. Again, be chill with it unless the person is an atheist, and you are a Christian or Buddhist or Catholic or other religion or spiritual practice. Then, you have to be careful because you probably will have a hard time seeing eye to eye and that can cause more problems than you may have bargained for. Couples argue over this stuff all the time so make sure you are prepared to deal with that if you don't share beliefs. Be gentle and respectful towards what people believe that is different from what you believe so you can get along for the most part and try to see through their lens. Family - some of us cherish family ties and some of us could care less about our family and we go our own way and do our own thing and never communicate with family. What if you were with someone who felt differently about family than you did? How would you handle that? I say with a grain of salt and remember why you got involved in the first place; it was not to see what their family was like right away. I say take lots of time before you even go there with someone because family is very sacred, and we don't all see family ties the same way. Enjoy your coupledom, you're dating and if things progress then figure out how you would handle introducing family to your significant other and then if you two want to get closer and marry one day, how do you want to approach your own family ties? I say it's fine to let your family know you are involved with a special person but be casual about it so there isn't a lot of pressure for your special someone to measure up to your family standards. This is challenging and some people grow up in abusive families, while others are very loving and affectionate, and still others may be distant and cold and unemotional. Talk about how you grew up, respect your differences and figure out if getting closer will hurt your family ties, and if so, maybe you should think about breaking away temporarily so you can create your own family. When people get married there is a good chance there is at least one family member that may be troublesome for the both of you. I say focus on your union and find a safe and peaceful separation from your family that lets them know you are trying to find your own way in the love department, and you need space and time away from them to find yourself and grow
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  with your specialsomeone. Don't let your family ties keep you from listening to your heart. You have to spend more time with your sweetheart than with your family, right. Trust - this one is tough because as much as we want to trust someone, they may say or do something that proves otherwise according to our perception. Our perception is key because what we see may not always be what actually is. This means anyone we get involved with, if we have used wisdom to choose our partners carefully, we should give them the benefit of the doubt. Trust is tricky because the one you care for may do something they think is normal or "ok" and you think is betrayal. So, I say talk about trust as much as you can so you both can see what the other is experiencing, which usually stems from past experience and sometimes deep-seated insecurities that we can't seem to shake. Some females think all males cheat and some guys think all females lie or vice versa and that means this is what you will always be thinking about when you get involved with the opposite or same sex. So, you have to treat each person differently and see where they are coming from and let them know up front what scares you and how you need to feel safe to keep things moving forward. If you experienced a major heartbreak in a past relationship you might think the moment your new guy or gal exhibits a tiny behavior of what you experienced before you should run because "oh no, he or she is doing it too, I can't trust this person." If that happens be real about what you notice and vocal about how it makes you feel and hopefully the person you are involved with will be sensitive and considerate enough to understand your fears and protect your heart, so you feel safe. Trust is what holds the glue together in your relationship, without it, you both will fall apart. Time - Timing is everything when it comes to matters of the heart so it's not necessary to rush anything. We have to allow the ebb and flow of love and friendship to flourish within our relationships or we miss the sacred simple moments of just being and getting to know each other. What's the rush anyway. If things seem to go awry, I say take some time to observe and evaluate your involvement and take a break if you need to. There is this song that I love from Chicago called "Hold Me Now" and some of the lyrics say, "everybody needs a little time away, I heard her say from each other, even lovers need a holiday, far away from each other". These are powerful words and so very true. As much as you may be in love with someone, there will come a time or day when you need some time away from each other. This is normal and it allows you to relax from your union and find yourself again so you can come back stronger, rested and ready to join the forces of love again because it can get tumultuous and stormy and too much sometimes and that's ok. So be willing to take breaks from each other when you can and don't let that offend you if your loved one needs a break, and you don't. Give them their space so they will want to come back to you. Also, be willing to allow timing to take its course because things happen when they are supposed to, and we don't need to rush anything or force anything or jump into anything right away. Live your life, enjoy your free time, and cherish every moment you get to spend with the one you have affections for. Time flies quickly so take pictures......
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  This last oneis mostly for the guys out there because in this day and age you expect sex from a female really soon and that puts a lot of pressure on us females wondering if we should go down this road before marriage or go ahead and start another sexual relationship with someone we may not stay with. We have to deal with the unwanted pregnancies and being mothers before we are ready and then you have to decide if you want to father a baby from a woman you were just "having fun" with. Is it worth it to bring a child into the world that wasn't wanted? Too many neglected and abused kids in the world because their parents were "just messing around". It's not easy for a female guys, we have fragile bodies that need tender, loving care and as you all know there is a trend with certain kinds of sexual activity that females may not be confident enough to protest about for fear of losing their guy. So, guys, give your lady time to feel you out, not feel you up, let her have fun with your fun side and see what a good friend you can be, allowing her time to feel special enough to give in to your advances. Sex is sacred in my eyes, and I know everyone does not feel how I feel, but that means when you meet someone take time to talk about sex, so you know what to expect and are ready to express your concerns and readiness or how important it is for you to wait. Guys you need to get more creative and be gentler and stop seeing the female body as an opportunity to perform that porn scene you saw last night, and find ways to enjoy being with a female, and expressing your emotions without always having to end up in bed with her. Learn how express what you feel in different, safe and healthy ways other than sexual. That's the true measure of a man. Will power and self-control. It's ok to wait, it's ok to do other things, it's ok to explore and find ways to enjoy pleasure without going all the way. You have to be patient; you have to learn each other's rhythm and you have to be willing to dance the dance with that person and see if the soulmate thing comes out, so you know waiting is ok for both of you and you don't cool your heat too much. Guys, give us time to warm up to you, get to know us in mind and spirit and heart and then body so we know you are worth waiting for, and you are worth holding on to. And ladies, be brave and bold about saying no when you want to, be open about your heart's desire to do "other" things and see what happens later and be confident enough to let the guy go if he gets angry and doesn't want to wait for you. Rape is not a solution to frustration either. It never "just happens". The one who does wait is the one you are waiting for. Take the time to allow him to come to you and be real and honest with him so you know. Your body belongs to you, and you decide when it gets touched and how it gets touched so find your love flow, and possible slow road to sexual activity and show each other how much fun you are outside the bedroom so you will be worth the wait later. Let your intention this holiday season be to have fun and celebrate a joyous season and see what happens, so you have less pressure to put on airs to be accepted and loved this Christmas. Remember to guard your hearts when the wind (males) blows and the roses (females) start blooming around you because if you are smitten you don't always need to act on it right away. Be cautious, the heart breaks easily. Take your time and weigh (mentally inspect) everyone that touches your heart.....