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Every once in a while, a strange mood ripples the surface of my usually quiet sea of life. I love rain, its murmur, its intricate drum, and the bleak frown of the skies when it’s hailing, as if the angles are crying, unable to bear some unspoken and deep sorrow. I like the silence that overtakes my empty apartment when it’s pouring outside. I stand by the window, watching the rivulets streaming down the glass, beating with the rhythm of the nature itself, demanding to be allowed into my heart. I feel the connection with something greater than me, greater than everything I know or have been taught. If only these moments could last longer, if only the link could hold long enough for me to grasp that I am no alone…

I am a soldier, of no kingdom; a survivor – not a victim. The world around me is bright and dark, colorful and dull. A piece of me is missing. Reaching out, I touch and probe. I ask and hear nothing in return. I do not believe in fate, nor am I hungry for fame, ovations, or cheers. I am not greedy. I only wish to find someone to whom I’ll matter for what I am.

Cleansing are the tears of heaven on my face, running through my hair, soaking and seeping under my clothes, chilling me, reminding me of the precious gift of existence. I inhale, and, with a shudder, my lungs release the smoking cloud of breath that dissolves within the moisture in the air, uniting me with the storm, swirling the dust of my soul into oblivion. Weightlessness, and suddenly it seems as though I’ve grown wings, but not the will to fly.

My only friend, where have you gone? How shall I find you when my eyes are blind? Is it in my power to look? And if I dare, what will I see?…

Continue reading “Searching” →