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I can’t breathe.

I’m moving in a zombie-like way, going through the motions. I feel so detached and far away from everyone. I’ve cried an ocean of tears and it’s only been twenty hours since Sheriff Dearborn came by personally to give me the news. I thought maybe Jake got a flat tire, or he got to talking with Maudette since he always thought it was messed up a lady worked third shift. He worried about her, even though he barely knew her.

That’s the kind of man that’s been taken from this world. It makes my stomach turn. I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. I can’t breathe without him. How do I move on from this? How do I try to comfort others when it doesn’t make sense to me?

Everything hurts, and not just because I’m running a fever of 102. My heart hurts. It feels empty, shattered and like it’s being squeezed by barbed wire all at once. I know I need to pull it together. I need to make a list of things to do. I need to try to get some sleep if I can.

But I’m afraid to slow down. I’m afraid if I do I’ll lose it completely. I’ll melt down and never be me again.

What good am I without him?

I don’t know how to live without Jake anymore.

My whole future revolved around him and the plans we were making. He wasn’t just my lover, but my best friend and the man who was going to father my children. We went to the specialist yesterday. He’ll never know the results of the test now.

I’m sitting at the kitchen table all by myself. I finally convinced everyone to give me some time alone. There’s food everywhere, not that I have appetite enough to eat. It’s all I can do to force down my tea. My voice goes in and out and I’m still coughing like a two pack a day smoker.

Jase was the last one to go and made me promise to call him if I need anything, but I don’t want to burden anyone. I stare into my lukewarm tea and try to make some kind of sense out of what happened. Sheriff Dearborn said a white male around thirty went into the Grab-It-Kwik roughly ten minutes before Jake got there. He overpowered Maudette easily. He tied her up in the back and was in the middle of clearing out the register when Jake showed up.

He was barely inside the store when he was shot in the head. The robber continued to clear out the register, and then went to the back room where Maudette was. He sexually assaulted her and then shot her, too. And for what? A score of $37.00 because the graveyard shift doesn’t keep more than fifty in the till.

I’m outraged, furious, livid… pick a synonym for anger and I feel it.

The doorbell rings. I don’t want to be bothered, but I’m not rude enough to ignore the bell. I get up and go to the front door. I should be asleep, but I don’t see it happening for me. The sun will be up soon anyway.

I open the door.

“Eric.” I shouldn’t be surprised to see him, but I am. I figured he would want to make more of an entrance than show up quietly like this.

On the other hand, I’m alarmingly happy to see him and before I know it, I’m holding onto him for dear life and sobbing all over again. I think if anyone can understand what I’ve lost, it’s this asshole I love to hate.

He wraps his arms around me, and the next thing I know I’m being picked up and carried into my living room. Eric sits down on the couch with me and starts making those little ‘shh’ noises to try and calm me down. It doesn’t work right away, but I eventually run out of steam. Eric hands me a box of tissues and I get to work drying off my face.

“I’m sorry,” I apologize.

“It’s okay.”

“I’m a hot mess right now,” I say in a froggy voice that’s equal parts due to my cold and my grief.

Eric is quiet for a moment and then he says, “Is he really gone?”

My eyes meet his. Does he really think I’d pull a prank like this? But I see in his eyes something familiar to my own feelings. I don’t want to believe it either.

I can’t get myself to say the words so I nod and fight back a fresh batch of tears.

He wraps his arms around me again and holds on tight.

There are no words for a while. I think I hear Eric sniffle, but I allow him the dignity of not looking up at him. I wait for him to release me before I say anything.

“I’m sorry you had to come back on such awful circumstances,” I tell him.

“Me too,” he says, and tries to discreetly wipe his eyes. “It’s not like you could have changed it.”

I’m not so sure about that. I could have just gone out myself. I know it’s a mistake to think that way, but it’s hard not to.

I stand up and ask, “Are you hungry or thirsty? There’s enough food in my kitchen to feed a small country.”

“Not really,” he says. “I haven’t been hungry.”

“I know the feeling.” I stand there awkwardly for a minute. “Well, um, I’m sure you’re probably tired. I didn’t expect you so soon, but I made up the guest room for you, so if you’re tired go on and get some sleep.”

“I’m not sure I can sleep right now,” he says, and stands up. “But if you have any whiskey, I’d love some.”

“Of course,” I offer a half smile and head to the kitchen with Eric right behind me. “Watch out for pie-shaped landmines.”

I’m serious about all the food. Word got around quickly about Jake and before noon I had no more room in my fridge or freezer for the guilt/grief buffet supplied by neighbors and friends.

“Whoa,” he says. “Why do people do this? The last thing on my mind right now is eating.”

“Same here, but I’ve already put aside two pies for after the funeral that I intend to pig out on.” I grab the bottle of requested liquor from a cabinet and a glass from another, and then hand them both to Eric.

“Thanks,” he says, and takes a seat at the kitchen table. “You want any?”

I debate for a moment, but if ever there’s a time to drink at an absurd hour, this is it. Eric pours himself a generous drink while I get myself a glass. When I join him at the table he pours me one too.

“How was your flight?” I ask him as he caps the bottle.

“It was alright. I kind of zoned out through the whole thing.”

I nod and sip the drink. It burns my throat as it goes down, but it leaves a warmth in my belly. If I drink the whole thing I’ll be drunk. I’m not much of a drinker and I haven’t eaten anything in at least twenty-four hours.

“How long will you be in town?” I don’t expect him to stick around. I know he’s busy.

“A week,” he says.

“Oh.” I don’t hide my surprise.

“Jake is… was… he was the only person I gave a shit about. The only one who gave a shit about me. He’d want me to stay and make sure you’re taken care of.”

“Eric, I’m gonna be fine. I have my family, Jake’s family, my friends… You don’t have to hang out here and babysit me. But I do appreciate the offer.” I take a bigger drink.

“Then I’d like to stay for my own peace of mind,” he says, and takes a drink too.

“If you want, that’s fine. I’m not going anywhere.” I can tolerate him for a week. Probably not much more than that.

We sit quietly for a little while, just thinking our own thoughts and sipping our drinks.

“I’d like you to give Jake’s eulogy,” I say to break the silence. “It should be you.”

He looks surprised for a moment, and then nods.

“I can do that.”

“Good, because I would probably throw up. I’m a terrible public speaker and you do it for a living… naked.”

Well, not always naked.

He cracks a smile and says, “Only sometimes.”

Even exhausted and grief stricken he’s ridiculously good looking. I look like a dried up sea hag, and he’s a little more than a ten minute nap away from being camera ready. It’s disgusting.

“Still you’re better than me.” A coughing fit hits me hard and I turn away so I don’t cough all over him. The whiskey is also starting to go to my head.

“Don’t worry about it,” he says when I stop coughing.

“Sorry. Hopefully you don’t leave with this as a parting gift.” I clear my throat and trade in my whiskey for water. I really need to go lie down. I’m supposed to be going to the funeral home with Jake’s parents at ten.

“It’d be the least I could do if giving it to me gave you relief,” he says. “That made no sense, did it? Whiskey on an empty stomach was a bad idea.”

“Yeah, I’m thinking the same thing. If you don’t mind, I’m going to try and get some sleep. I’m going with Dell and Channing to the funeral home this morning and I don’t want to be any more of a mess than I already am.”

“Do you want me to come with you?”

“No, you don’t have to. I think we’ll be okay.”

“Sookie, I know you and I haven’t always gotten along, but if you need anything at all while I’m here, I’ll do it,” he says.

I give him a genuine smile, albeit a small one, and say, “Thank you, Eric. I appreciate it. Help yourself to anything you want. There are fresh towels in the hall closet and your room is the one across from the bathroom down here.”

“Okay,” he nods. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome. Sweet dreams,” I say, and then head for my bedroom.

I close the door behind me and go to the en suite to brush my teeth and do my other bedtime stuff. Afterward I set my alarm to make sure I’m up at eight, only about two hours from now. Physically, I’m completely drained. I honestly don’t know how I’m even awake. When I crawl into bed I hug Jake’s pillow and yet another batch of tears hit me.

He’s never going to sleep in this bed again.

He’s never going to twirl my hair around his fingers until I fall asleep.

He’s never going to whisper to me about his day.

I’ll never again wake up and see his face first thing.

He’s gone. He’s really gone.

EPOV

It’s hard for me to try to sleep in Jake’s house knowing he’s never going to be able to do just that ever again. I keep thinking about all the fun shit we’ve done in this place. The last time I was here was over Christmas, and that was when he told me he and Sookie were trying for a baby. I had been so happy for him. No matter how much I didn’t want kids, or to settle down, I knew it was something that made Jake happy. He was just that kind of guy. He could have had a great career playing pro ball, but he gave it up to be with the love of his life. And to him, he wasn’t giving up anything.

I wasn’t totally sure what it was about Sookie that had always made her annoying to me. At first it was that Jake spent all his time with her. Then it was how freaking nice she was, to everyone. It was like she didn’t have a cynical bone in her body and I just didn’t understand that. I felt like, by settling down with her, Jake gave up his prime years. He should have been out there getting tail, living it up, sowing his oats. And now he’s dead.

But maybe I had it wrong. Jake was always happy when I talked to him. He was always more in love with Sookie than ever, and always excited to be near her. I remember asking him once why he hadn’t asked her to marry him if he loved her so much. He said, “If it’s not broke, don’t fix it. We’ll get there when we get there. We’re happy the way we are.” I didn’t understand it then. I still don’t understand it now. I thought that was the point, you fall in love, you get married, pop out some kids, and then you get divorced. But Jake was happy knowing he’d be with Sookie the rest of his life, married or not. I had no idea what it was like to be that secure in a relationship.

By the time the sun comes up, I still haven’t gotten much sleep so I get up and shower before going to the kitchen to make coffee. Not really surprising to me, but Sookie is already at the table with a mug in front of her. She’s sitting there looking like she’s somewhere else, so I go to the coffee pot and pour myself a cup before joining her.

“Morning,” I say, and she jumps a little.

“Morning,” she rasps. Her eyes are red and puffy, as is her nose. She coughs a little and then closes her eyes.

“Didn’t sleep either?”

“For about twenty minutes,” she says. “It’s a good thing Channing is picking me up. I don’t think I should drive anywhere.”

“Probably not,” I say and sip my coffee. “Is there anything you need me to do today?”

“No, I don’t think so. I have to go through our pictures when I get home and I have to… I have to pick a suit.” Sookie starts to hyperventilate as her tears come again.

I reach over and put a hand on her shoulder.

“Hey, breathe,” I say. “One thing at a time. I’ll help. Would you like me to pick out a suit?”

Sookie nods while she tries to get her composure back. The deep breaths send her into another coughing fit. I rub her back through it, and wait for it to subside before speaking again.

“If you want, I can help you pick out pictures later. With whiskey aid if you want.”

“No, I just want to get it done and try to get some sleep. I’m so tired and everything hurts. I keep thinking this has to be a bad fever dream, that my brain is slowly cooking and it’s fucking with my reality in terrible ways.”

“I thought your brother was joking until I looked at Jake’s Facebook,” I admitted. “It still doesn’t feel real.”

“I don’t know what I’m going to do without him, Eric. My life has been with him for so long that I don’t know what it’s like to be without him anymore.”

“I know,” I say. “I don’t know what to say that will help you. I guess you should try to find comfort in knowing that he loved you with everything he had the whole time he was with you. You made him so incredibly happy, Sookie.”

She gives me a tearful smile and says, “Quit being nice to me. It’s weird.”

“Oh come on, I’m not that much of a dick to you, am I?”

“Eric, you offered to pay for a divorce lawyer if Jake came to his senses.”

“That’s just being a good best friend,” I smile.

“Jerk.”

“Seriously though, that shit was more about my issues than his. He never would have needed a divorce lawyer if he married you,” I say. “Shit… you weren’t married.”

“No,” she says quietly, her eyes on her coffee mug.

“I just mean what about insurance? Will you still be okay? Like his property and everything. I have a great lawyer if you need him.”

“I’m the beneficiary on his life insurance through work, so the funeral will be covered. But since we weren’t married his debts fall on his parents, I think. We have money saved up so I can help some with that. It’s mostly leftover school loans. We were good about not buying too much on credit. I’m not sure what’ll happen with the house. It’s in both of our names and there are plenty of years left on the mortgage,” she sighs and rubs her eyes.

“If you get in a tough spot with any of it, I can help,” I say.

“That’s generous of you, Eric, but I can’t take–”

“Yes you can,” I interrupt her. “Jake would have done the same for me.”

She nods, but says nothing else.

“How much time do you have before Channing gets here?”

“He should be here anytime now.”

“Would you mind if I went along?” I ask.

Sookie looks thoughtful for a moment before she says, “I know he was your best friend, but Jake made it pretty clear to me what he wanted. After his grandfather died last year we had a really long, morbid conversation about this. I’d rather just go in and get it over with.”

It hurts a little that she doesn’t want me to be there, but mostly because I feel like I don’t know what to do. Being a part of it would help me feel like I’m contributing. But I understand why she doesn’t want me to go.

“Alright,” I nod. “Is there anything around here I can be doing?”

“No, I don’t think so. Mom worked her cleaning magic yesterday and the after funeral lunch is going to be at Dell and Channing’s house since it’s bigger than this one.”

“Okay. I um… I guess I’ll find something to do. Maybe go into Merlotte’s or something.”

Sookie nods as there’s a knock on the kitchen door, and then Channing sticks his head in.

“Knock, knock,” he says, and then smiles when he sees me. “Eric, you made it.”

I stand up and go over to shake his hand.

“Got in last night,” I tell him.

Channing pulls me into a hug and says, “I’m glad you’re here, son. It’s good to see you.”

I don’t hesitate to hug him back, and try to blink back the tears. Jake looked so much like his dad.

“It’s good to see you too,” I say, and then we let go of each other.

“How are you doing, buttercup?” Channing looks at Sookie and his smile fades. She doesn’t look good.

“Been better,” she says, but tries to smile through it. “Let me just refill my mug and use the little girls’ room and then we’ll go.”

“Take your time, buttercup. We’re in no rush.”

Sookie stands up slowly, like it’s a chore for her to do it, and makes her way out of the kitchen to other parts of the house.

“She sleep at all last night?” Channing asks with concern. “We tried talkin’ her into stayin’ with her parents but she wouldn’t hear a thing about it.”

“I think she said she got about twenty minutes, if that,” I say. “I’m not sure what I can do for her. It’s like it’s a comfort and a curse to be around all the memories with Jake here.”

Channing nods. “It doesn’t help that she’s better at helping others than she is at letting someone help her. Jake used to get so frustrated about that,” he says with a smile and tears in his eyes. He clears his throat, as is man protocol, and continues, “So how long will you be in town? Blondie and I would love to have you over for supper. Steph just had a baby.” He pulls out a cell phone to show me pictures of his first grandchild. Maybe his only.

“She’s beautiful,” I smile at the pictures. “I plan to be here for a week, and then I have to get back. I’d love to have dinner with you guys. Maybe we can get Sookie to come along.”

“I’ll have Dell work on her,” he winks and Sookie comes back a second later with her coat and shoes on.

“Have Dell work on who?” Sookie asks.

“It’s nothing,” I say. “Is there anything you need me to pick up while I’m in town?”

“Some more tea would be wonderful. I’m going through it like nothing,” she says. “Oh, and maybe some vanilla ice cream, if it’s not too much trouble.”

“No trouble at all,” I smile, happy to finally be able to help.

“Thank you,” she says politely, and then opens one of the drawers. She plucks a keyring from it and tosses it to me. “Spare keys so you can come and go as you want.”

“Thanks,” I say. “Channing, I’m sure I’ll be seeing you soon.”

“Sure will,” he nods. “You ready, buttercup?”

Sookie smiles and nods as well, and then they’re off.

I dump our coffee and rinse out the mugs, then turn off the pot. I head back to my room to get dressed, then head out myself. It’s too hard to be in that house alone.

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