I thought I would break quickly
like a small limb would, almost dead from subzero temperatures
I thought I would be flattened
by the complete exodus of my identity as a daughter
I thought I would shatter
like a windshield ripped apart by rapid fire
.
I knew it was another time to just head forward. It was the day to see how I’d break. I’ve learned that fighting these personal demons just gives them more power so I didn’t fight at all. I walked into the house I grew up in, saw 1 sibling and Mom was still asleep. We had time but she wanted to sleep so getting her up in a pleasant mood is the focus. Our other sibling was in the shower. With no time for conversation, and the privacy I may need, I headed to her bedroom.
Her windows were open for air and the daylight lit up her whole room. Her favorite tenors were on and she was snuggled up in big pillows with blankets covering her. It was a happy scene. I walked over to her and started rubbing her hip softly without talking. I might have started calling her name softly but I don’t remember. She woke up a little bit and raised herself up to see me.
Her eyes then looked aside me as she asked, “Who is this beautiful person?” I didn’t know it but my sibling had come into the room and that’s who my mother was talking to. I quickly said, “I’m your favorite daughter, Jayne.” and I smiled and kissed her cheek. She smiled back but I have no idea how much she understood. It didn’t matter either because it made her smile as she put her head back down to close her eyes. I left her to sleep a little bit more. She was peaceful and compared to what I imagined I would feel, so was I.
.
Sometimes it feels so good to be wrong.
D i a r y I n c a r n a t e 
Beautifully painful.
By: athenenoelle on May 22, 2014
at 2:02 AM
: )
By: Jayne on May 22, 2014
at 11:17 PM
Ohhh…bittersweet Jayne. I know this time is ahead for me as well. I’m glad you found some comfort in making her smile.
By: BoPeep on May 22, 2014
at 5:56 AM
I’m sorry to hear this is ahead for you LBP. Research the brain’s processing – gradual loss of memory in stages because that knowledge can benefit you with some coping skills. xo, Jayne
By: Jayne on May 22, 2014
at 11:13 PM
Thank you Jayne. I watched it happen with my grandmother and am seeing the same early stages now with my mother.
By: BoPeep on May 23, 2014
at 6:54 AM
I’m sorry to hear that is ahead for both of you. She must be scared in her own right. If this is too personal, please forgive me and know I don’t expect an answer. I wonder if you imagine it will be easier to see your mother go through it now that you are familiar with it. I imagine you would have less confusion and more acceptance which is better understanding. I really don’t know though.
By: Jayne on May 23, 2014
at 9:22 PM
Jayne, she is, of becoming what her mother was, but the slow descent is inevitable, I recognize it already. Everyone ages a bit differently, but we are making plans for her when she is no longer able to care for herself. 🙂
By: BoPeep on May 23, 2014
at 9:29 PM
We never know when our time will come. But to watch someone we love drift off into their own reality that no longer includes us is like having our heart cut out of our chest and buried in a mound of ashes.
Our collective shoulders are here for you on this journey that no one wants to embark on.
By: Chris Brown (not the felon) on May 22, 2014
at 10:30 AM
Thank you Chris. It’s like when you’re a kid and you have a balloon and suddenly you’ve lost grip of it, trying to grasp the string again but you can’t. Even the balloon itself cries and fights trying to get back but it can’t either. and it just slowly gets farther and farther away. The only saving grace is that she doesn’t feel the loss anymore and she has always had a pleasant mental foundation. It makes me want to get my act together before I lose it – if I’ll lose it.
By: Jayne on May 22, 2014
at 10:53 AM
The pain of watching that balloon drift off has caused many a child to wail uncontrollably. If only the answer was to get a new balloon. Your act that you want to get together is just that. Your act. The true you is already there and we here on your blog are lucky enough to see the odd glimpse of that, as well as the act.
Your Mom is lucky to have loved ones around her who care. Many don’t. As you said, the pain is now on you guys. She doesn’t feel the loss any more.
By: Chris Brown (not the felon) on May 22, 2014
at 1:56 PM