Blind Dates Rule. Not!

The rules of dating change dramatically once you hit your 40’s. When you are 20, you don’t think twice of informing the Neanderthal at your front door that your sister (not that you actually have one) had to suddenly go out and perform an emergency appendectomy, sorry! When you are 40, the likelihood of your teenage son or daughter opening the door and inviting said Neanderthal in for a drink is probable, thereby ruling out the possibility of you getting rid of them. The bottom line being, never ever agree to meet a blind date at your home.

For you ladies out there, consider this … There exists a single man of questionable age and character … some well-meaning relative/friend has given him the phone number of a woman – you … all the man knows about you is that you ‘are a very nice person’ (refer to http://wp.me/p46MAw-2C blog for interpretation). The man spends average of 2 weeks with a crumpled piece of paper with your phone number on it in his back pocket … The man decides ‘What the Heck, let’s get this over with!’ … After downing 2 whiskies and a Valium and/or Prozac he dials your number … he slams down the phone after 2 rings … pours another whiskey, downs it and tries again …

“Hello.”
“Hello” he slurs “Can I speak to (add your name here) please.”
“Mom, it’s for you.” shrieks the child who answered the phone.

Add background noises for effect …
dog barking …
loud heavy metal music emanating from somewhere…
child shrieking …
telephone dropping …
voice from the deep shouting “if you don’t switch that @$^&* computer off and finish your homework I’m going to rip off your arm and hit you with the wet end!”
“Who is using the phone?”
“It’s for you, mom”
“Who is it?”
“Some guy!”
“Gimme the phone, quick!”

You: “Hello?” you purr.
Him: “Hi, my name is (add a name here), I got your number from (add a name here) and I was wondering if we could get together sometime”.
You: “Sorry, who did you say gave you my number?” said sweetly through gritted teeth that will now require recapping.
Him: “You know (so and so) from (blah de blah) who is (whats-his-names) brother’s, uncle’s, sister-in-law” he says.
You: “Oh, right, and what’s your name again?”
Him: “(add name)”.
You: “So, (name), how do you know what’s-his-names brother’s, uncle’s, sister-in-law?”
Him: “Well, I was at university with her cousin actually.” I haven’t seen her in years and I bumped into her at the mall a while back, we got chatting, and here I am, calling you.” add some throat clearing noises here “So, could we meet for coffee sometime?”
You: “And how is (add name here) doing these days? Last time I saw her she was pregnant with no. 3.”
Him: “They got divorced about 2 years ago and I think she’s still in therapy!”
You: “Oh! And what about you (add name), are you recently divorced” you ask knowingly.
Him: “Well actually, I’ve been divorced for 12 years now.”
You: “Really, and how are you enjoying the dating game?”
Him: “I hate it actually, but I can’t watch TV 24/7 you know. So, what about meeting for coffee and a chat?”
You: “Well, when were you thinking of?”
Him: “How does Tuesday suit you?”
You: “I’m busy on Tuesday, how about Wednesday?” you smoothly lie, knowing perfectly well that you don’t have a single arrangement for the next 3 months.
Him: “Wednesday is good, but it will have to be after my dog training, if that’s ok with you”
You: “Sure, what kind of dog have you got?”
Him: “Well, I don’t have a dog yet, I just go to the training to look around so I can decide what dog I would like to have in the future!” [W.T.F???]
You: “I see” you say blindly “Are you close to figuring out which breed will suit you?”
Him: “Yeah, I’m still deciding between a Rottweiler and a Pit Bull” sounds of ice clinking in a glass. He’s really warming up now…

At this point you realize that this is going to be a date from hell (more about dates from hell in a future blog), but you’ve kind of committed and now can’t back out.

Him: “I know the Rottweiler is probably the best bet” he says, now getting fully into the swing of things, “but Pit Bulls are just so cute, don’t you think?”
You: “I’m not sure I would call a Pit Bull cute,” you say, “but I’m glad you’ve almost decided”

Him: “Yeah, on Wednesday I’m going to watch them attack train the dogs, it’s going to be awesome! Hey, would you like to come with me to watch, they use real people for the dogs to attack?” he informs you eagerly. Sounds of drink being poured over ice
You: “You know (name), it think I’ll pass this time.” You say mock regretfully.
Him: “That’s OK, I’ll fetch you after the class, what’s your address?”
You: “I would hate for you to go out of your way, why don’t I meet you somewhere?”
Him: “OK, where do you want to go?” tinkling ice
You: “Let’s meet at ABC Mall!” say you, thinking that this is the most public spot – with lots of escape routes that you can think of at short notice.
Him: “Cool” says he “How will I know who you are?”
You: “I’ll be the one with a rose between her teeth, dancing a solitary Tango on the tables”
Him: “Huh?” “No, really, what do you look like!”
You: “Well, since I’ve had my hunchback fixed, my club foot is not that noticeable!”
Him: “Huh?”
You: “I’m only joking, call me when you get there and I’ll tell you where I am”.
Him: “That’s a brilliant idea, should we meet at about 8pm?”
You: “That’s fine, I’ll see you then”.
Him: “But what’s your cell number – how will you know who I am?”
You: “When you call me, you can stand on a chair and wave, and then I’ll see you.”
Him: “Huh?”
You: “Well, OK, what do YOU look like?”
Him: “Well, some of my friends say I look like Arnie.”
You: “You mean the politically engineered actor?”
Him: “Huh?” ice tinkling vigorously
You: “Swartzenegger?” you intone.
Him: “Yeah, but I don’t really think I look like him since I stopped going to gym. But, I’ve got the same hairstyle.”
You: “Ok, I’m sure we’ll find each other somehow, so, I’ll see you on Wednesday!”
Him: “Sure, but if you change your mind about the attack training, you can call me, get a pen and I’ll give you my number”
You: “I’ve got a pen, shoot!”
Him: “Huh?”
You: “What’s your cell number?”
Him: “Oh, its 222 2222 and my home number is 333 3333 and my office number is 444 4444.”
You: “Thanks for calling (name), see you on Wednesday”.
Him: “Yeah, and maybe you can help me decide on a dog!”
You: “Sure, see you then, bye”
Him: “Cheers, by the way, can I ask, how old are you?”
You: “I’m 40 and you?”
Him: “Ha, Ha, are you kidding?”
You: “No, I’m really 40, how old are you?”
Him: “Ha, Ha, I’m 52 – is that OK?”
You: “Well, seeing that your age is not alterable, I guess it’s OK, if not, we can always pretend that it is!”
Him: “Huh?”
You: “See you on Wednesday.”
Him: “OK, cheers, nice to talk to you, thanks hey!”
You: “Bye”
Him: “Hey, you didn’t give me your cell number”
You: “Oh, so sorry, OK, its 555 5555.” You murmur regretfully – and you truly believed that you were going to get away with it!
Him: “Thanks hey, see you!”

You put the phone down, sigh loudly and wonder if you have finally lost it completely… Why do you do this to yourself?.. Why do these things happen to you?.. You begin mentally listing the pros and cons of becoming a nun and or a lesbian … You phone a friend for reassurance that your sanity is still intact … You friend starts looking up the number of Lunatics-R-Us … just admit it … you are nuts … but you WILL be going on this date …

All in all, it boils down to the man having had the courage to call, and the woman having the stupidity to accept a date, even with a presumed harebrained, dog deranged madman.

The countdown to the date is fraught with anxiety!

What will I wear?
Should I notify the armed response before setting out?
I wonder if he looks like he sounds.
What will I wear?
Should I arrange that babysitter with a known attempted murder charge?
What if he really is deranged?
What will I wear?
Who should I arrange to phone me mid-date?
What code words will we use to extricate myself from the date?
What will I wear?
What will we talk about (my dog knowledge being limited to cats)?
What will I wear?

Now, folks, here’s the thing. Any blind date is anxiety producing – for both the dater and the datee. The only way to get through it is either with an enormous amount of alcohol pre-date (and during) or just simply sit back, relax and try to find a topic of conversation that you can both relate to, I know it’s not easy, but just let it happen!

Ladies, if you are really struggling, and you know without doubt that this is the last date, try the following.

Even if you know nothing about sport, a great opener to an ending, is to ask questions about the current seasonal sporting fixation (and don’t worry – there is always some major sporting event on the go).
i.e. Rugby/Football – ask “So, what exactly is a hooker?” or even “You don’t like to see hookers going down on players like that.”, or perhaps “”There’s nothing that a tight forward likes more than a loosie right up his backside”

This is bound to get a startled reaction initially, but a detailed explanation of the game and various positions will follow, with a polite terminology lesson, to boot.

For Golfers – ask “So, do you also swing?”

For Footballers – “Is it normal to dribble before you shoot?” or “Do you think Beckham should be allowed to wear such tight shorts – do you think it’s a fashion statement or is he just showing off?”

These questions should be asked with a dead-pan expression and practice not blushing at home!

If all else fails, and you are certain you never want to ever see him again, discuss the merits of colour coordinating your handbag or clothing with your vehicle (and make sure he understands the difficulties involved in planning your wardrobe effectively in order to do this).

If, by some miracle, you have actually enjoyed your blind date, and are now hoping for a second, the following should aid you to nab your man, for a short time, at least:

Don’t let him meet your children!